i just found one of my old journals.
that's some great reading...
(i have 25 books filled with my thoughts spanning the ten years from 13-23)
reading about past love-ers is always a strange experience.
i'm here to share some humor, i'll save the good stuff for another time.
why does your journal offer humor, you might ask.
all of the entries are written in the wee hours of the morning...
often after much alcohol consumption and a 12 hour work day...
and i have to laugh at some of the phrasing i chose...
it's no secret that i spout cheese like niagra spouts, well, you know...water.
but on here, i at least try to rephrase things.
but...in the rush to get the evening's events summarized i often overlooked literary protocol, reminding myself that no one would ever read my journals...
so here's the best one:
"I am so unmistakably drawn to him. I feel like there's a magnet in my heart when he's around. I just don't know yet if his heart is causing this because it's made of steel or another magnet! He's incredible!"
Is that fucking great or what????
i'm peeing my pants over here!
anyway, i was just a kid....
fine, i was 22.
but mostly i was fucking tired and in a hurry to get to sleep.
see, in those days, i wrote every night/early morning before i went to sleep--period.
no matter what.
i seriously skipped maybe 15 days in ten years.
and really that is what i meant, it just happend that the quickest way for me to summarize it was a Kraft single...
but i was just wondering if the reason he got me so freaked out was that there was some substantial chemmistry between us or if it was just me wanting yet another guy that i shouldn't/couldn't have, etc. (for the record, i probably shouldn't have had him since he was 5 years my junior, but damn, girls you should have seen this one!!)
i can't believe how vigilant i was about writing in those days.
okay, fine, it was ocd.
but i still miss it.
it all went down hill when i started sharing a bedroom.
with a bo-ee.
and the whole journal thing sort of got replaced with a vast supply of orgasms.
pretty good trade off, but i regret losing that habit.
so there are almost no written records of my pregnancy and experiences with newborns in intensive care or any of their life so far.
sure, there are 4 million pages about what a hundred different boys said to me or how they looked or talked or chewed gum, and all the different ways they broke my heart...but none of the important shit is there.
i double suck.
nothing better than a nice hot cup of vanilla cappucino (SO not sugar free!) and a stack of old journals.
they take me right back.
i just found a poem i wrote about the whole magnet thing!!!
okay, okay, here it comes:
Two lives intertwined
for a brief moment,
locked together then torn apart.
At first sight, a magnet
from my heart to yours
From yours to mine
stronger than words.
To forever hold you
in my eyes and arms
would be magical perfection.
but knowing i won't
leaves me aching
for the completion of me
that will never be.
on the verg of a deep shared knowledge
of each others' souls,
the possibility of love close enough to touch
but farther away than the moon.
wanting, needing--aching for you.
the hollow sound
of two magnets pulling at each other
across the miles.
my destiny called me here,
my heart stayed there.
when two hearts should be one
and are not
the depth and breadth of my feelings
that's downright scary.
okay, for that you deserve this:
(less cheese more smut)
August 5, 1997
"After work I picked up T. and we went down to a little beach and talked for a bit then i took him back [to a boarding type school for fuck up high schoolers] and snuck out. Then we met up with J and C. We went to her cabin, out by the lake. We drank a few, then i went up to check out the loft and T. followed. We started making out, then his hand was down my pants, and mine down his, then i went down on him. I swallowed---yummy! Then we went downstairs and hung for a few. Then i wrapped up in a blanket and we sat outside for a few minutes while he smoked. Under the blanket, i took off all my clothes without him knowing and then i stood up in fron tof him and asked him if he could see me. he could. so i smiled and opened the blanket. "Whoa!" he said, and "I was not expecting that!" I laughed and pounced on him. We started going at it, then i went inside to get a condom.We went over under a tree and made sweet love under the stars!"
oops, the cheese slipped in at the end there. =)
i hope you all enjoyed this afternoon's installment of Journal Reading with Lisa.
and if not, (i'm prettty sure you can guess what's coming)...
you can go fuck yourself.
you know you want to, anyway.
besides, you can humor me once in a while.
i usually put so much thought and effort into each post, for your pleasure...
okay, i guess we all know that's a crock of shit.
if you're here reading, you're humoring me.
so thank you, please come again...