Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Happy tuesday, kiddos!

Yes, that's right...it's braless tuesday again. Posted by Hello

i just wrote half a post.
and deleted it.
god DAMN that was shit.
there was whining about being a girl,
and a strange sort of rambling, boring excitement over my 40GB ipoddy thing.

I'm just glad i'm here.
or not there.
or something.

one of the twinners is under my bed...
trying to coax/wrangle the cat out from under it.
in order to abscond with it, but only cuz i love that word.
really what he wants to do is take the cat into a big old rubbermaid tote thingy and close the lid.
i don't know WHAT he does in there, but apparently it's a lot of fun.
for the kid.
...not the cat.

remind me to call Didamo to see if she wants to do go to my favorite lunch spot tomorrow.
(i'm not going to call her Didamo in public, though. ha ha--i know her real name and you don't!! suckers.)
this place...
is one of those "make it fresh while you watch" mexican places...
oh yum.
it's the best of them all, in my opinion.
their buritos are ENORMOUS.
easily enough to feed 6.
okay, really more like 2.
but i don't recommend sharing...
especially if you go with someone whose cooties you're afraid of.
i guess it might be a good policy to not go to lunch with someone whose cooties you're afraid of...
but, still.
they warm up well.

oh, and back to my new gym companion.
i'm so in love.
it'll be here by the end of the week...
and it was half the price of an ipod.
so i hope i don't regret going with a different brand...
but for now, i'm just excited for the affect this will have on my workout.
if anyone has great workout songs, please dropload them to me!!

i'm off.
like a prom dress.

Monday, November 29, 2004

as much as i love eating too much...

i really hate eating too much.
we had an impromptu thanksgiving yesterday with my husband's family,
and i stayed true to the tradition of the holiday and ate til i was green.
oh well.
double time at the gym this week, right?

yesterday was one of those dreamy days, though...
lots of sex, lots of sleep, a bath, 2 showers and it all ended with a great meal, cooked by someone else.
purely blissful.

the weekend itself had its ups and downs
and it's been as cold as a witch's tit.
(yes, that's a technical term.)
but all in all, it's a wonderful life.
...a movie i've never seen, by the way.
and i really have no desire to, but--
that reminded me!!!
i had a dream last night...
about a visit to a psychotic cult...
i think Didamo was there--
and i don't think we need to look very far to see the symbolism there!!
mormons=psychotic cult.

i can't think of a damned thing to say.
...as if that wasn't glaringly apparent from the rest of this post!
i need some new music.
and a full-time personal trainer.
someone to kick my ass GOOD for the next few weeks.
MAYBE--i'll get my courage up and call my old trainer dude.
that guy is evil, in the best way.
he used to kick our asses so soundly that we couldn't walk right for the whole time we knew him.
he played professional football in the 70's and coached college ball for a while after that.
he's a bit rough around the edges, runs a gym out of his house,
he's incredible.
i'm actually a little afraid to call him...
i was completely out of shape, when i started going there.
so he went easy on me...
i'm in pretty good shape, now.
he'll run me through a wringer...
which is what i want.
but it's still sorta scary.


that's enough of that drivel.
i'll put us all out of our misery and stop here.
hopefully i'll snap out of this later.
and if not, then i'll just change the name of this to "The boring and lumpy housewife"
or you could go fuck yourselves.
(yes this is my new sign off line...)

Saturday, November 27, 2004

i wear my sunglasses at night

but it's not "so i can see".
i do it for a different reason...
a darker, more siniter one.
no, scratch the "sinister" part.
just darker.

i think i'm funny.
so does the homeless guy on the corner.
but then, he thinks toenail clippings are art,
and breathmints are lunch.
i guess it's back to just a fanclub of one.
oh well.

it's strange when it's so quiet,
and when i'm not around to notice.

i had a great workout today.
and it's snowing--
the first real snow.
i'm trying to convince one of my best friends from high school to move here.
she's been living in florida since graduation,
but she needs a change.
and it would be REALLLLLY fun!!
if she asks, don't tell her it snows here.
i figure it'll be a little surprise, and it'll be too late for her to back out...
okay, fine.
she knows it snows.

it was a full moon yesterday.
so i was restless and antsy and wild-eyed.
had fun watching a matrix movie on the gi-normous tv with our friends, though.

this snow is making me want to start and finish my christmas shopping.
to go skiing.
to go sledding with the kids.
to stay off the roads because people here drive like SHIT in the snow.
to buy some new boots.
i never said this was going to be a good post.
bite me.
i did stand in the gently falling snow,
watching my son make snowballs,
and tip my head back, open my mouth and taste some snow.
it was a lovely moment.
he was sooooo cute in the snow, too...
the other twinlet was sleeping, so it was a rare one-on-one time.
VERY fun.

and now i feel crabby again.
go fuck yourselves.
or take a flying leap.
or piss up a rope.
or piss into the wind.
but mostly?
leave me the fuck alone.
--i'm hibernating.

Friday, November 26, 2004

sometimes my fingers move

without my brain bothering to interfere.
it's cool.
but scary.
my cousin completed Nanowrimo.
she's awesome!!!
i'm so excited for her and proud of her and all that good stuff.
i am also reminded of how lame i am for flunking out so completely this year.
oh well.
i finished once.
and that's what i'll cling to...

dinner then beers at a friend's house.
...to drool over their new 61" television.
i think they're cool, but i don't really want one.
i'd rather go on a vacation.
or buy clothes.
or get a boob job.
or a hot tub.
we'll probably get one sometime, cuz the husband(read:earner) wants one.
as long as i get to furnish my new house according to my tastes, we'll be even.
we put an offer on something...
but i doubt it'll happen.
they already have another offer and we're never going to sell our house.

and i have this vague feeling that i should have something important or interesting to say...
but i can't put my finger on it.
had a great conversation today, with my favorite.
...okay, so all the conversations are great.
but sometimes more than others or whatever.


Thursday, November 25, 2004

because the pies are in the oven

and i was specifically told not to--
i shall post.

the pumpkin pies are cooling,
the crumb-topped, deep dish apple is in,
and the french silk is ready to go.
...my mouth is watering already!!

i'm a rebel.
i guess that's the only reason i'm here right now...

i need to run to the store (if there's one open)
to get dishwasher detergent.
hubby took the kids to a movie...
can't wait to hear how that went.

oh yeah--
and my FUCKING post counter has been at 699 for over a week.
and i was sooooooo excited to make a big deal out of my 700th post.
now, i have no idea which one it even was.
and today is the one year anniversary of fantasy friday.
so i should write one.
but there's not time.
instead, i'll repost one of my favorites:

standing in the rain, i wonder if you'll come.
i dumped you last week, and this call...
well, this call you probably shouldn't have answered.
but you did.
and here i stand...
watching the headlights flick past me, i count them until i get to yours.
you pull over, splashing me.
an asshole, as ever.
i close my umbrella, and collapse into the seat.
your tires throw up gravel as you dart back out into traffic, barely waiting for my door to close.
the music is loud.
my stomach starts to wonder what the hell i'm doing.
i don't look at you, you don't talk to me--
you drive faster.
when the car stops, we both sit for a moment, the raindrops drowning out the sound of our breathing.
i start to speak, but your door flies open, then slams closed and my thought turns to a sigh.
you open my door and offer me a hand--such an ironic move, so out of character.
my face begins to take the shape of defiance, defensiveness...disgust.
you pull me out into the rain, dropping my hand and walking off into the dark.
I follow, obediently.
you don't bother with lights, but we are inside.
i only know this because the air is dry, though the rain has done its job to soak us.
i put a hand to my hair out of habit...though in a darkness so solid it doesn't matter.
before i can breathe in again, you have pressed me against the wall--
all of you against all of me, your warmth coming through our wet clothes.
your teeth graze my neck and i melt.
the smell of your wet leather jacket is its own kind of aphrodisiac and i reach for your face.
pulling it down to mine, i remind you that i made the call.
i told you to be here.
you kiss me back and i am lost...
your hands struggle against my drenched clothes, which are keeping you from my skin.
buttons pop off, seams are stretched...
you pin my hands and whisper the first words of the night--
you are mine
it comes out a snarl, a growl--hard and possesive.
...and sends a thrill from my toes to my lips--
i arch into you, my arms struggling against your hold.
you grip my wrists more tightly, but meet my arching body.
i let out a groan as we meet, all the muscles in my body tightening.
your face is next to mine, scratching me.
i want to kiss you softly, tell you i love you.
instead, i say--
i belong to no one.
you step back, and with one hand turn me around, sliding back into place before i've even braced myself against what feels like a couch.
i gasp as your hand comes down on me.
i smile into the cushions, knowing you're as glad as i am that i called.

to all you non-americans--happy thursday.
to any americans who are reading this--hope you had a lovely feast,
don't forget the pilgrims and indians.
or something.

fuck you all.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

happy thanksgiving

don't drink and drive.
hold your tongue when you're relatives make you homicidal.
if you're a guy, and the women have done all the cooking? DO THE FUCKING DISHES.

other than that, i got nothing today.
so i think i'll post a vintage piece...
(yes that's code for "recycled trash")

(originally posted December 30th 2003)

i am the queen of useless information today.
so watch out.
cuz i might tell you even more stuff you never needed to know, never wanted to know, and when it's all said and done, you'll wish you didn't know!

still killing mice at the speed of light.
okay, so only 3 so far, in two or 3 weeks, but still.
that's 3 more mice than should have ever been in my house.
they are everything dirty and filthy.
and not in that fun way.

i'm everything dirty and filthy in that fun way.
okay, okay, so i'm exaggerating a teensy bit.
or a lot.
but, let's face it, you'll never know.
i could tell you i'm the kinkiest of the kinky and for all you know, i do strictly missionary position, with the lights off and my shirt on.
okay, that's just ridiculous.
certainly you know THAT's not true.
or i could be a fat asian man.
or a tall skinny geeky 15 year old (yes, we've already established i think like a teenage boy...)
or a 50 year old divorcee with a body like Cher and the oral skills of Monica Lewinsky.
actually, I'm pretty sure i could out-suck her.
or any of you.
bring it on.
sorry, feeling a bit fiesty all of a sudden.
anyway, you get my point.
and it's probably not even fair to call it MY point, because it's one of those "stating the obvious" things that I love doing.
so a zillion people have already made the same point.
but i'll claim it.
and i dare you to contradict me.
nah, not really.
i don't like to argue.
well, i sort of do.
god DAMN i'm fickle today.
i mean, i'm always fickle, but sometimes i'm more fickle than a pickle, ya know? wink wink.
whatever the wink wink means.

let me just reiterate how excited i am for new year's eve.
super excited.
uber excited.
ultra excited.
extra excited.

which means one thing, and one thing only: it will not go as planned, or will for some reason fall short of my expectations.
one of my expectations is to kiss a girl.
i know.
i'll definitely keep you in the loop on that one.
or make something up.
damn, but where did that sweet little mormon girl go?
she's lost so deep inside me that sybil's therapist couldn't find her.
stupid bitch.
better stay where i buried her, too.
if she knows what's good for her.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

am i awake yet?

but my ears are ringing and my neck hurts.
(said with a big, cheesy grin)
yesterday was a nearly perfect day from start to finish.
while the kids were at school,
i went to the track, at the high school which is about a block away.
i ran and ran and ran--
the sun on my face felt like summer, but
the cold air bit at my arms, and made my throat raw--
while giving the burn in my lungs a cool edge.
i ran back home and sat on the chilly front porch with my water,
cooling down--
i love how hot the house feels after running in the cold.
and then i popped in my pilates dvd--
i love the relaxing workout it offers.
i followed this with a lovely shower and chose casual, comfortable clothes...
FINALLY learning from my past mistakes of concert dressing.

the point is, i felt alive and wonderful, but i then skipped a vital step...
i forgot to have dinner.
i had been thrashing around wildly to godsmack and for the first half of metallica.
and then, i crashed.
i probably looked like i had drunk too much or smoked too much or something,
but i had done nothing.
i should have had a beer--
the calories would have been good.
oh well.
it was a GREAT show, all around
and we went with great friends.
sometimes i have a lot to say that i can't figure out how to say.
so instead i'll just mention the big blue eyes and the sweet youth in the face framed by blond dreadlocks...
haunting, really.
and there was a girl i could see across the way.
and she had gorgeous tits.
and the one brother o'husband brought his newish girlfriend.
she made a better impression this time...
kept telling me how much she loved my hair, but i forgot to tell her i would gladly trade her--
she has that perfect color of blond hair, straight, longish.
we all want what we dont' have, eh?
and have i mentioned my neck is killing me???
i did a bit of headbanging...
which, in combination with the humidity caused by sweating bodies, is disastrous to hair like mine.
not a problem.
hubby said i looked hot, so that's all i needed to hear.
doesn't matter if i looked good, in general.

and now i'm sick of this post
so i'm going to go.
if you're a WOMAN take off your bra.
and send me a picture, dammit.

Monday, November 22, 2004

i will rock out to metallica tonight

and that's all that matters.
it'll be a busy day, sure.
but at the end of it,
i will be smiling and screaming and headbanging

so that's it.
i don't have anything to say today.
which is good, because even if i did, i don't have time to say it.
i am wondering where my favorite blogger is...
and knowing i am missed, too.
i am tired and over-rested.
I am having a good day.
and i hope you are, too.

i am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday deathbed.
(no, not really)
i am ready.
i am alive and lucky and amazed and hopeful and thankful.
i am.

i think god hates me.
or this freeway hates me.
or i have really bad karma.
on the EXACT same spot on the EXACT same freeway today,
a landcruiser tried to merge into my lane--
or rather, merge into ME.
i hit the brakes and he kept coming,
so i swerved into the huge orange cones which were blocking the left lane,
and no harm was done.
he would have hit me if i hadn't taken the chance to plow through those dividers which i thought were solid.
luckily, they weren't.
i think i'm going to just stay home from now on.

one strange thing after another--and then a couple of scary ones

fell asleep before ten last night
slept off and on from 7am until noon...
okay, so that's it for strange stuff.
when i headed out to get my friend's sister at the airport...
i switched cars with my husband and thought it was odd that car felt a little sluggish.
i almost called him to see if he knew why...
but i didn't want to bother him
(he was still at my family's dinner, managing the twinlets)
i kept driving.
got on the freeway.
went 80 for ten miles or so.
finally glanced down at my dash
and noticed a light which had been hidden by my hand's proper position at 2 o'clock on the wheel...
the brake light...
oh god.
the emergency brake.
so i laughed at myself and pulled the release.
then i attempted to test the brakes.
i felt an electric shock to my heart--
i tried again,
i tried again,
and my car began to slow.
this hit or miss braking went on for the next ten miles,
as i played an alphabet game with my step son.
my heart was still racing,
palms still sweating.
brakes still not quite working.
finally i called my husband, and he set out to rescue me.
after another ten minutes they started working again.
so i pressed onward.
but i was very shaken...
so fucking scary--

so then...
we get to the airport,
and i'm planning to drop the step son off after we pick up my friend.
so he's with me, and i keep reminding him to stay by me.
we don't see her right away, so we run back to the car to get his jacket.
i hand him his jacket and he tells me he has to pee.
i tell him to hold on a minute while i grab a few empty coke bottles off the floor.
(remember it's my husband's car)
when i turn around, he's gone.
i asssumed he had just wandered out of sight, so i just got annoyed that he was slowing me down.
after glancing around in the immmediate area, i started to panic.
i called out to him,
and cursed under my breath,
and looked vigorously in all directions.
i had forgotten that he needed to use the bathroom,
or i would have probably considered that sooner.
i looked for him for a long few minutes, my panic levels growing with each passing minute
then headed inside to start asking for help...
just as i got inside, there he was.
where have you been????
shrug--to the bathroom.
he had no idea...
how freaked out i was.
i had started to think he might have been kidnapped.
holy stressful night, batman.

and for those of you who missed it, i posted a fantasy yesterday, a replacement for friday:

they had been walking along the cliff's edge, enjoying a sunset,
when a bank of clouds rolled in and began dumping buckets of water across the shore.
they ran to their car, but did not avoid becoming drenched.
laughing, they tumbled into the backseat together
and smiled at each other in the muffled machine gun fire of rain against the slowly steaming windows.
she giggled and dove for him.
he clawed at her wet clothes, peeling and prying--
feeling victorious at their removal.
she sat back and let his gaze be filled with her white skin,
nearly glowing in the dark car.
he caught his breath and opened his mouth, leaning forward.
she shook her head slightly and scooted back,
now leaning against the door.
her legs spread, her eyes fixed on his.
you...he shook his head and sighed--with a smile.
she slid her hand slowly down from the nipple it was teasing
to her hot, hairless pussy.
her fingers rubbed expertly in a slow rhythm
as she watched him struggle out of his clothes.
they could smell the rain, and feel its rhythm.
she offered him her wet fingers
and he sucked on them as he slid into her smoothly
they fit together like a well crafted puzzle.
she sighed at the same time a shiver went through her,
and it made her giggle--
she was content and on fire, at the same time.
his body moved with hers in the most perfect choreography
and they breathed each other in.
he looked in her eyes and mouthed the words, "I love you"
she arched into him in reply, her eyes telling him what her mouth didn't need to.
she pulled his face to hers and kissed him, hard.
every last inch of his body was hers to worship and she couldn't stop exploring it.
as the rhythm picked up and the exhilaration filled them both,
she sunk her nails into him and her moan turned to a wail.
he shot into her with a force and she contracted around him,
their bodies so in tune...
they rested in a sweaty tangle of limbs and discarded clothing,
listening to the rain beat against the windows and roof of the car.

happy monday.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

i composed a post in my head, while riding in the car

but of course i can't remember what it was about, now.
something about my day, probably.

and i just wrote it, but it was so boring that i actually hit the delete key--
it was THAT bad.
something interesting might have happened today.
involving a volvo and a vulva and a valium.
not really.
but wouldn't it be pretentiously, pervasively, perfuctorily pernicious?
i'm not on drugs--why do you ask?

i'm trying hard to avoid the movie which is being shown in my bedroom right now.
i'm also in my bedroom, for the record.
and my husband thought it would be fun to check out "The Day After Tomorrow".
...i wonder if the title refers to when the violent seizures and vomiting will stop?
this movie looked so terrible from the previews that i have made fun of anyone who voluntarily paid money to see it--and didn't leave halfway through.
oh well.
it'll be a good excuse to go take a bath.
now i wish i would have bought that new bath pillow thingy.
i have one, but it's not enough.
and i have no book to read.
maybe i'll just stay here and catch up on my blog reading.

they had been walking along the cliff's edge, enjoying a sunset,
when a bank of clouds rolled in and began dumping buckets of water across the shore.
they ran to their car, but did not avoid becoming drenched.
laughing, they tumbled into the backseat together
and smiled at each other in the muffled machine gun fire of rain against the slowly steaming windows.
she giggled and dove for him.
he clawed at her wet clothes, peeling and prying--
feeling victorious at their removal.
she sat back and let his gaze be filled with her white skin,
nearly glowing in the dark car.
he caught his breath and opened his mouth, leaning forward.
she shook her head slightly and scooted back,
now leaning against the door.
her legs spread, her eyes fixed on his.
you...he shook his head and sighed--with a smile.
she slid her hand slowly down from the nipple it was teasing
to her hot, hairless pussy.
her fingers rubbed expertly in a slow rhythm
as she watched him struggle out of his clothes.
they could smell the rain, and feel its rhythm.
she offered him her wet fingers
and he sucked on them as he slid into her smoothly
they fit together like a well crafted puzzle.
she sighed at the same time a shiver went through her,
and it made her giggle--
she was content and on fire, at the same time.
his body moved with hers in the most perfect choreography
and they breathed each other in.
he looked in her eyes and mouthed the words, "I love you"
she arched into him in reply, her eyes telling him what her mouth didn't need to.
she pulled his face to hers and kissed him, hard.
every last inch of his body was hers to worship and she couldn't stop exploring it.
as the rhythm picked up and the exhilaration filled them both,
she sunk her nails into him and her moan turned to a wail.
he shot into her with a force and she contracted around him,
their bodies so in tune...
they rested in a sweaty tangle of limbs and discarded clothing,
listening to the rain beat against the windows and roof of the car.

and then the man with a hook for a hand smashed their window and gutted them both.

(that last part was purely for the sake of silliness--and because of a comment i got once from one of my favorite bloggers, Mr. Skim Milk himself...i believe it was something like, "that was a nice story. i was just waiting for her to chop his head off.")

let's pretend that whiney post never happened

you know...the one time i played strip poker it went a little something like this....

the day started with a bet.
well, more like a deal:
he would let me drive his 77 Camaro if i would drive to the next county to buy him some beer
(no beer on sundays down in byu-ville).
hell yeah, i said.
he was a cook, i was a waitress.
he was a beautiful hippie type.
i was me.
so i drove, like the wind, you might say.
anticipation skimming through my veins.
I got back just as his shift ended.
We tossed the case of bud light in the trunk and headed for the back roads--
so I could open 'er up.
As old and semi-junky as that car was, it flew.
So we headed back to his place.
We were in his room, drinking the beer, playing cards.
I suggested strip poker, but when it came time to remove the bra...
well, shy girl held a blanket in front of her, so he followed suit.
Well, next it was on to a game of truth or dare.
He dared me to give him a massage from ankle to ankle...
once again shy girl skipped the important part...
but would get to it later.
After the first kiss.
We had some wild sex that night.
As soon as it was over we agreed that it meant nothing.
Of course, that didn’t stop us from engaging in similar activities on other occasions.
And a couple of years later he introduced me to my husband.
Needless to say, he didn’t get invited to the wedding.

true story.

And here's a great cause, which a fellow blogger is supporting--
Cure Autism Now
The proceeds will go to further the search for causes and cures for autism.
Autism is a devastating disease affected over 1.5 American children
and their families. 1 in every 250 children is newly diagnosed with

Friday, November 19, 2004

too tired for things

and metalica's monday.
and i don't feel very rock n roll right now.
i feel...
like opera in a bubble bath.
maybe a good cry?
just for all the things...
for my dad, for C.O., for J & A, for B, for my mom, for D, for me.

but at least the house is clean.
and the kids are asleep.
and the husband will be here in a couple of hours.
i've missed him too much.
i am a little more clingy than i usually admit...
maybe i just like having his heavy body flung over mine in the night, so i can't move and get annoyed...
and maybe i would rather pick up after him than not have him here.
and maybe i am just having a stupid pity party for no reason.
and maybe i've exhausted myself when i should have been refreshing myself.
i don't know why i feel so sad.
i have fun, amazing, wonderful HAPPY things on the near horizon.
two new things added to my list for the weekend, btw...
both fun.
but i still want to cry.
and i want to go for a run.
the air is so crisp and cool--
it snowed for a minute today.

and to top it all off, i promised to mention a very worthwhile fundraiser,
and i forgot to...
Cure Autism Now
The proceeds will go to further the search for causes and cures for autism.
Autism is a devastating disease affected over 1.5 American children
and their families. 1 in every 250 children is newly diagnosed with

i think my first born twinlet has violence issues...
he shoved his brother today and he landed face first at the edge of the desk.
big bloody gash.
i'm beginning to think he may have needed stitches.
if he gets a scar from this i'm going to hate myself.
then, tonight at Wendy's (having a nice healthy dinner...ugh)
he plowed through a door and knocked a little girl over.
it was a glass door--he should have seen her.
poor little thing...
i spoke to her mother, apologizing, asking if she was okay--
and i almost cried.
the mother was very sweet and said her daughter does the same things...

i guess the good news about the range of emotions i experience is that they are varied and the lows don't really feel like lows...
they're just....
that's how it feels.
so, i'm sorry for whining.
what a nice way to cap off a fantasy-less friday.
i look at it this way--
it's a friday night, so not too many people will stumble across this.

and tomorrow?
at my brother's house.
pies and pies and pies......
can you say "light dinner, early"?
make way for pie, baby!!
...oh, and it's looking like i'll be posting that titty shot...
god damn fat-ass.

Fantasy Friday #49

you would think that this means it's been almost a year since my first fantasy post...
well, I would think that, at least.
or i do.
my point is--
i'm a bit further from a one year anniversary than it seems.
i've done double posts a few times, and i only count by total number of fantasy posts...
so i'll look that date up, and start planning a celebration for the actual one-year anniversary.
i PROMISE i'll make it fun and exciting--
unless i forget.
in which case, all promises are void.


i'm not really in the mood to write this today...
so i'm digging into the archives of half-finished stories--

story removed

sorry kids.
like i said, not really in the mood.
oh well...
there are plenty of others out there where you can get that!! :)
(p.s. I looked up the date, and the first fantasy was posted november 22 or so...)

have a happy weekend--

Thursday, November 18, 2004

when i sat down, i felt like posting

then the phone wrong.
what the freud was that???
the phone RANG.
and i snuggled into my vast, crisp-sheeted bed to read it.
wrong again.
should i even bother to keep typing?
we answer phones, not read them.

that was scary.
but not in a jack nicholson in "The Shining" way.
more like...
waking up next to some ugly person and wondering where the fuck you left your car way.
not sure which is worse...

i have some busy days ahead...
i'm coking the feast for turkey day.
yes, i realize that says "coking".
maybe i like the idea of getting blitzed with my mother in law, okay?
anyway, it'll be fun.
i'm making the husband take the kids away for the whole day so i can cook in peace.
or in my birthday suit.
or in your birthday suit...
and here's the schedule for this weekend, since i'm sure you all have a space in your Palm for me.
palm PILOT. date book. et cetera--not some naked part of my body in your hand.
bunch of frigging pervs.

***tomorrow 1pm: window dudes coming to put in new windows which were measured for last week.
(note: why the fuck does a 7 year old house need 3 new windows? oh yeah: cuz it was crafted with the skill and care of a 4 year old.)
***friday night: husband home from stupid business trip
***friday night, two seconds after his arrival: crazy wild welcome home sex
***saturday: meet with real estate dude, spend time with step son
***sunday 7pm: pick up best childhood friend's sister from airport
***monday 11am: return her to the airport
***monday 12:30pm-3pm preschool thanksgiving feastie thing
***monday 3pm pick up babysitter, drop off kids, hit the road
tuesday? recouperate
wednesday? prep for thursday
thursday? cook, cook, cook, EAT (okay, eat, eat eat)
friday? recouperate/shop/lay around hearing myself get fatter.
i bet my thursday through friday plans sound very familiar to a lot of you.
awwwwwww---i feel so close to you now!
fat american bastards.
(myself included)

sometimes the remote is too far away

and consequently,
i end up PAYING ATTENTION to the frigging nickelodeon show about the kids with the fucked up hair.
if the cat wasn't sitting on my lap (for the first time since we got her)
i would DEFINITELY go change the channel.
...well, probably.
i wouldn't.
but this is a really good excuse not to.
she's so warm and purry.
and this is where i want her--
not laying on the mouse,
not batting at my fingers while i type.

it's thursday.
and i don't have a hell of a lot to say.
i had crazy dreams last night.
i think there were bloggers involved.
and possibly a bonfire.
my parents were there--
and i was casually mentioning cyber sex to them.
they were politely supportive.
...uh, yeah, that would happen.
and i believe at one point i was kayaking through someone's living room.
good times.

have i mentioned that Metallica/Godsmack is Monday?
i won't bother you futher, for now.
just be aware that i'm excited.
and that my excitement may manifest itself in strange and mysterious ways.
if i know ONE thing about myself--i know that i'm not very mysterious.
i am a straight forward gal.
only, if you could refrain from calling me a "gal" that would be super swell.
same goes for "swell".
so why can't i stop using such words????????

i feel like being silly.
no...that's not it.
i feel sort of blank, actually.
not in a sad way, just in a mellow way.
i should also stop making cookies 3 times a week.
and i should look into cutting my fingernails.
and i should stop wanting to grab my life by the handles and shake the hell out of it.

and now i think it's time to make breakfast for 4 sweet little boys.
we had a sleepover last night.
went very well--
these 4 will be a FORCE when they get older.
they're all going to be very tall.
and they're way too smart.
so, yeah, i'm thinking bank robbers?
becky and i will keep you posted...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

so he asked me if i'd posted yet...

and it occured to me, then, to post.
but i don't know which way is up.
i mean.
i know my bed's over there.
and i oughta be in it.
and i know that my muscles ache in that best of all ways--
well, second best.
and i know that music heals me...
i also know that sometimes it tears a hole in me and lets things out that should be in and lets things in that should be out...
some lyrics trickle down through me
but others burn down through me like a lit fuse.
listening to live music makes me feel invinceable and in harmony with the universe--
but not in a hippie-way and not only somtimes...
it always makes me wish i had a better sense of rhythm and a broader vocal range...
some songs are like time machines--
and i don't know if i will live forever, but i could if.
i know that my perception of beauty is so full and wild and real that it hurts
and people are so much more than a face--
and that face is the secret decoder ring for their insides...

i know that i always want what i can't have.
endless quiet days to cook at leisure and read and write and sleep late...
but then i wouldn't have two suns in my sky with big eyes and bigger imaginations.
life in a small town is suffocating, yet liberating.
life in a city is crowded, yet isolating...
i should drink less.
or more?
and i should DEFINITELY look into hiring a full-time massage therapist.

i wish that strength was something that came in white boxes with a blue satin ribbon tied around it...
a box that i could give to those who need it.
i wish i knew the answers.
i wish i could make it all better for them.
i will do whatever i can do, at least.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

don't even think about putting on a bra

as much as i love the idea of "Tits-Out Tuesday"...
I think we're still going with Braless Tuesday.
i have it!!
RT Tuesday
(RT=Rock Tit)
...is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?
or am i just happy to see you?
or maybe we're just happy to see each other...???

Because it's only 6 days until Metallica--my fourth show of this tour... Posted by Hello

so, anyone here who hates business trips, raise your hand.
(you didn't really just raise your hand, did you? friggin loser.)
i hate them.
oh, don't get me wrong--
i have a firm policy of looking on the bright side.
and i'll enjoy the quiet time,
and the excuse to not cook dinner or shave my legs.
come saturday i'll be ready for a bit of a break (read:sex), but i'll try not to bitch too much.
i'll rent movies he doesn't want to see,
and take a bubble bath with a book (and maybe some additional assistance...)
and drink beer alone.
it'll be borderline depressing.
so if you see lots of extra posts this week, you know who to blame.

i had freaky weird-ass dreams last night.
and i tweaked my neck while i was driving.
my sister called...
to tell me she's worried about my dad.
so it was a fairly important call,
but my kids apparently don't grasp the concept of a HAPPY meal.
(not like Sergei's mom, but the end result was almost as scary...)
one of them dropped his fucking mcnasty nuggets and i reached around my seat to grab them from the floor so he would stop screaming...
wreeeeeeench goes my neck.
i'm also blaming Pilates.
or Mari Winsor.
well, they're an evil team!!
nah, i love the workout,
but apparently i fit into the category of wusses who have to do the exercises without their necks raised.
it's not that my abs can't take it, it's my neck.
stupid neck.
so it was already sore when i overexerted it...
oh well.
at least i didn't sprain my wrist.
or pull a muscle in my groin.

on that note...
i think i'll go.

have a grand day and don't forget to share your RT with someone special--

Monday, November 15, 2004

i feel like doing the misty mountain hop

but i think it's smog, not mist.
so that sorta spoils the mood.

i love it when i wake up refreshed and not grumpy.
i'm always groggy.
but sometimes it's grumpy grog, and sometimes it's sunny grog.
reminds me of that Phish song...
Silent in the morning
Suspended in the trees
Lunch time comes you've found your voice
It brings me to my knees
The volume just increases
The resounding echoes grow
Till once again I bask in morning stillness, I love so

i used to listen to that song and be convinced that it was MY song.
but now i think i was misunderstanding some of the lyrics.
oh well.

that reminds me of one of the strangest mistakes i ever made...
J. and i met some guys.
pilots from florida--
whose motto was, "better to fly high than drive drunk"
they were on their way north,
to a 3 day Phish concert.
invited us.
why did i decline?
because it was my last weekend home before coming back to stupid utah.
and there was a boy i wanted to spend some more time with.
okay, i would have also felt bad just quitting my job almost a week early,too.
but mostly it was the boy.
that beautiful creature--my first muse.
so i went to see him on friday night--
after a nice smoke with a friend.
we took some beer and went to find somewhere to be alone...
STUPID STUPID STUPID me.(see: smoke)
i parked at this lake.
forgetting that i was no longer the truly innocent girl,
forgetting that i was doing something illegal
(he was 17 to my 22, yes i've mentioned him before)
we each had a beer (okay, fine--mine were wine coolers in those days)
and a pair of headlights flashed into our side window.
a police car.
see, the lake was a state park and it was technically "closed".
so we weren't supposed to be there.
in my younger days, this kind of thing wouldn't have been a problem.
i'd only been outside the realm of innocence for about a year--
and i'm a notoriously slow learner of life lessons...
i was lucky i didn't get arrested.
my life flashed before my eyes,
and my mind was foggy enough from the evening's smoke that i didn't say anything in my own defense.
the cop didn't want to ticket me--
they never do.
cops hate giving me tickets,
and usually don't.
i have a feeling that if i would have feigned some sort of innocence,
they would have let us go...
"i didn't know how old he was--he brought his own beer."
something like that.
so i had to tell my mom about it.
that was the worst part.
she still remembers him.
so do i...

the point?
i should have gone to the hippie-fest and indulged in more sex, drugs and rock 'n roll than i have in my whole life put together.
cuz then i'd still have a clean record.
so by choosing to do the "right" thing,
i ended up in more trouble.
oh well.

so it's monday.
and that means it's not braless tuesday.
but i'm still not wearing one.
i feel like i have stories to tell from the weekend...
but i can't think of any.

that glimpse of the one thing you always wanted but never thought existed.
and finding out that it does.
it's a crushing blow, destroying the image you have of the world,
making it more beautiful and less bearable, all at once.

today is a day that i would raise my arms above my head,
and with a slight shifting of weight to my toes,
be lifted into the sky, surging upward.
i would be wrapped in fur cloaks,
and i would be filled with the love of a healer--
going from place to place sprinkling the dust of innocence over those brutalized, and the dust of strength over those weakened.
i would make a good god.
i would see who needed my help, and i would grant them their heart's desires.
sometimes, for fun, i would take some of the tiny, heart shaped flakes of cupid dust,
and blow them onto the homecoming king/quartback/student body president...
just as the sweet little awkward girl walked by.
and his heart would be opened to the love of a pure soul.
but if all i could do was fly,
i would travel the world and see the secret joys and pains of all its souls.
i would soar above them, and my tears would land on the earth,
causing flowers to grow.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

a quiet saturday in blogville

but i'll jot some thoughts anyway.

or maybe not.
i don't really have any thoughts right now.
but my cat keeps licking my fingers...
a pussy that licks back??

i'm downloading a bunch of metalica songs.
oh, i already own the albums.
it's just easier this way, than transferring them to mp3 format.
yes, i'm a strange kind of lazy.
a twisted, perverse kind of lazy.
and, oddly, not lazy at all when it comes to perversions...

taking the kids for a little hike with my best friend today.
should be fun--
they love that kind of stuff,
and well, let me put it this way:
she majored in outdoor recreation.
she's my adventure guru.

Los Hermanos, i think...
I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.
this is our favorite mexican place (even if it IS in provo. ick).
complete with fried ice cream and margaritas.
....pure decadence.
oh, and best of all--

i should go do something productive.
leave me a comment--
so i don't have to hunt you down and kick your ass.
(i know it sounds fun, but trust me, it's not. well...okay, maybe it is. violence makes me horny...)

Friday, November 12, 2004

off to dinner

with friends.
late night of--
and sex.
but you know what?
i'm tired of sex.
tired of thinking about it.
tired of writing about it.
tired of doing anything about it.
please forward all lustfull intentions to other capable ladies.
you know who they are. ;)

am i moody this week?

kids are diving under the covers of my freshly made bed.
YES, it's 6pm.
at least i made the fucker today.

and now the husband is home with the babysitter.
this means it's exit time.

Fantasy Friday #48

I used to use roman numerals--
that was my thin attempt at adding a sense of formality and civility to this day...
we all know that's about as possible as a trip to the moon for all of us.

so anyway.

Room Service--

We were alone in a large hotel room
you were on a business trip
not expecting me
i showed up, wearing a long dress...tall boots
knock on the door
your first reaction was annoyance
in just your jeans, you answered the door
in that moment...
we both stopped breathing
and your face softened
my bare shoulders had a dusting of glitter, catching your eye
your mouth opened, no words
I bit my lip
stepped forward
you stood holding the door, feeling me walk past
the loose fabric of my dress, brushing you,
the curls of my hair tickling your arm
the door slammed closed
and we stood together
the electricity passing between us in a nearly visible current
my fingers trembled as i reached for your top button
my fingers against the hairy skin of your belly...
we both shivered
our eyes locked,sparkling
the feeling of my hands sliding your jeans down your legs was enough to
dispell the shock
and wake you up
knock you into action
my dress buttoned up the front...you pulled it open
you ripped it off...
leaving me in just knee-high black boots
you pressed me roughly back into the bed
and gently settled between my eagerly opened legs
you ran your hands up my thighs
following them with kisses
soft, wet kisses, up my smooth thighs
you could smell and see the glistening wetness
you pressed your lips into those lips...
and slipped your tongue in
you grasped my ass so firmly with your wonderfully rough hands
and i arched into you,
gyrating in time with your rhythm
I offered you my pussy so insistently
my heavy breathing turned to quiet moans
and i ached for your cock…
just before i came, you looked up at me--
into my eyes.
and i smiled as you dove back to work,
licking and kissing.
you took me to the edge and pushed me over
i called out
and grabbed handfuls of the bed linens,
pressing my pussy into your face.
you felt the contractions
and lapped at the juices running down my thighs and over your chin
i sighed…
and regained my breathing a bit
as you lay there, head on one thigh
hand on the other, stroking
i sat up.
and rolled you over
my turn...

have a great weekend!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

i dont' know what day it is

so don't ask me.
i wouldn't tell ya anyway.

you know...
the great thing about calling someone a "fucker", as a supposed insult?
is it's not really an insult.
yes, i fuck. so what?
like when some fucking moron calls a girl a cocksucker, in an attempt to belittle.
why, yes, i am. and i'm damn good at it. thanks for noticing ;)

so where were we?
ah yes, i was taking your pants off.
there ya go.
much better.

am i feeling sexually charged right now?
not really.
okay, maybe a little.

am i in the mood to ask a bunch of god damned rhetorical questions?

nah, that's the end.
the good news is,
while i am still digicam software-less,
my husband clued me in to a little fact:
(for the 4th time, according to him...and was that a disgruntled sigh??)
i can slip the compaqFlash directly into the printer,
and it'll do all the downloading and file naming for me.
sure, the file names are a bit boring...
no more, "pussy5.jpg" or "doggy7.jpg", but...
i'm kidding.
i don't take pictures like THAT.
i'm a bit embarassed by how many readers might be giggling at the absurdity of that statement...
oh well.

i need to run naked in the rain.
only my tits would hurt from the bouncing...
and i'd get cold.
sounded cool for a second, though.

and i'm just wondering...
on a scale of 1 to 10, how skanky do you consider my site?
one being Barbara Walters, ten being jenna jameson...
i hope i'm a 5: a perfect mix of sex and intelligence.
no kissing up allowed.
i want to know.
not that i'll change much of anything, but i suppose if i get enough 3's i'll start posting full frontal, and if i get too many 7's i'll stop the fantasies.
i couldn't change this site if i wanted to.
okay, yes i could.
but why would i want to?
and who in the HELL is slipping "tweaker chick" pills into my wheaties??

good night.
sleep tight.
and bite someone's bug in bed...

day of a thousand posts

or, three.

i'm just feeling...
fragile right now.
and i'm not sure why.
i feel a bit empty, in a restless way.
i feel not anchored to the earth, somehow.
i even want to be for once.
i want to feel some firm, fertile earth beneath my bare feet.
i want to feel a fresh wind blowing around me.
i guess it all comes back to homesickness, at times like this--
as i connect with the deepest part of me,
and my yearning.
it is rooted in my home, by the sea.
but that's not what this feeling is really about.
i don't know what it is about...
i just feel......
but to what?
i can't define the source.
just a feeling sweeping through me.
i feel unstable on my feet.
i feel as though i am standing on a high cliff in a thunderstorm...

i am an independent, strong type.
who just needs a hug.
sometimes i don't understand why i take things personally--
and that taking something personally sometimes feels like a razor blade to the center of me.

it's probably the moon.
or homrones.
or the seasons.
as we all know--
i'm a goddess-superhero-icon.
and the pay's not so great, but the peace and joy inside are well worth it.
i think it passed.
and i think it's just a side effect of my life changing right now.
i feel like a stupid whiney baby--
for missing my husband for those extra few hours he's gone every day due to his commute....
because some people really are alone.
and i just feel alone.
sometimes i envy them the strength that comes from knowing there's no one to lean on.
or the freedom that comes from knowing there's no one to answer to.
and for this, i am considered a crazy lady.
...rightly so.

i am glad that i have this little spot,
where i can dump out the contents of my head, heart, pockets...
and i ought to start some fun contest so i can give away my fun prize.
what fun prize you ask?
well, i'll tell ya.
some magnets...
with er...
erotic pictures of me on them.
i got the idea from Will's fridge in one of his buzznet pictures.
so thank him, not me.

shoot me if i ever whine that much in one post again.
i could choose nto to post it,
but what would be the fun in that?
besides, my mood swings are what this fucking page is all about, right?
my bad.
i'm fucking tired.
so unless anyone has a magical chocolate mousse that'll make me drop ten pounds overnight--
i'm outta here.

if it's wednesday when you read this:
happy hump day.
especially to Chaz, who just learned yesterday the layman's meaning of that term.
i love swapping cliches and slang with brits.
(frankly, i'd rather be swapping bodily fluids with them, but--)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

i was just showering and i had a funny thought

yes, it's nearly 5 pm.
local time.
fuck YOU.
i get a few perks for being a housewife, after all.
so anyway...
i was showering.
and thinking of my blog--
pathetically enough.
i was imagining describing to you the OCD with which i organize my shower supplies.
then i realized i was wrong...
see, i was going to tell you how silly i am
that i arrange the bottles in order of usage from left to right.
upon closer inspection, i discovered that this is incorrect.
AND boring.
but then, there i was...
in the shower, thinking of blogging.
and i thought...
well, at least i could tell them my shower routine.
just for shits and giggles.
wet hair
wash face with wet, wrung-out wash cloth.
re-wet hair, add shampoo
add conditioner
wash body
wash face with mary kay stuff
(do NOT let your mind wander...just because i mentioned a lesbian DURING my shower routine!!! come on...please? okay, fine. but when you're done, keep reading)
where was I?
oh yeah.
that's actually the point where i would masturbate if i felt like it.
and then i would rinse my hair.
because, y'know--
gotta get the max benefit from the conditioner, right??
i fucked it allll up.
i was going to make a smooth transition from the conditioner to the self-lovin'.
but i got distracted by telling you to not be distracted...
damn ME.
i annoy the shit out of myself sometimes.
...most of the time.
okay, nearly ALL the time.

since it is 5 pm and i have just showered,
(yes i'm still nude)
i must get busy prepping dinner.
(no, not nude)

the other thing i was thnking about is how un-, anti-, in-, non-, under-creative i feel sometimes.
i feel like a soggy old rag.
and sometimes...
my entire soul is on fire and my head can't keep up with all the thoughts pouring through me.
and other times...
the mundane drive along a familiar route becomes charged with beauty--
and not just from the mountains and sunset themselves...
but also from the beauty in the heart of one far away in time and space.

Don't let me forget that it's braless tuesday

i haven't done very well with keeping up that tradtion, have I?
it doesn't help that i haven't had any HELP from you fuckers.
that's right, the resident narcissist would like to invite anyone else to send pictures of their bralessness--
to be posted here.
as proof, or whatever.
sometimes i want to quote Shakespeare, but instead i quote jim carrey.
it's a sad world.
don't ask me where that came from,
because i realize it was completely a non sequitur.
and i don't give a shit.
i really don't.

but i do love popcorn.
another non sequitur?
i'm enjoying a bowl of the buttery good stuff right now.

also, thanks to a stupid dead spot on the freeway,
you guys are missing out on a FANTASTIC audio post done by me and Becky.
it was so good, i nearly cried.
...or was that died?
eh, maybe it was flied.
only that's not a word...
but i won't tell if you won't.
(hm, that sounds like something michael jackson would say...)
which reminds me of the lost audio post.
it was awesome.
the jist of it--
nay, the inspiration for it--
was becky hurting herself on a box of eggs
(which i buy by the 800pack to make it easier for my kids to destroy my house)
and she yelled, "OW! son of a bitch!!"
this was in the parking lot of our local grocery store.
(just a reminder--we live in the mormonist part of utah)
some guys walking by, laughed.
she said, 'sorry!'
they said, 'oh, no--it's great to hear someone swear around here!'
she said, 'ain't that the fucking truth?'
and two girls walking by said, jovially, 'and fuck you, too!'
then i said something else with the word "fuck" in it, but for the life of me i cannot remember what it was.
i am certain it was witty and clever,
and you can't disagree cuz YOU WEREN'T THERE.
so ha.
anyway, the audio post was waaaaay better.
we had so much fun just hanging out.
we had some good laughs--
which are good for the soul.
and the sole.
and the Seoul airport.

oh, there's a good reason why i haven't posted any pictures lately.
and that is this:
my husband built me a new computer.
and it doesn't have the FTP program on here anymore,
the one i used to upload to his server and html tag the image files to appear here.
yes, i'm still speaking english.
--or to those of you who got it: shut up, close enough.
i might get around to reinstalling the program at some point.
but today i installed a new browser.
Mozilla Firefox.
it's hot shit.
but my sidebar looks funny.
and so do YOU.
(i mean seriously...quit picking your nose.)

oh guess what's funny!!
i was bitching about the absence of two of my blogger buddies yesterday.
and i joking said, 'maybe they're together.'
they weren't actually together,
but they were both missing in action because of the same issue--
internet mishaps.
Didamo has been fighting with her ISP all week,
while Chaz was able to beat his into submission with a baseball bat and his mean face
(i've seen it...SCARE-EE)
so, he'll be back in action shortly,
but she's still floundering around, internet-less.
i'll have to invite her over for a quick make out session to use my computer.

think chilly thoughts (see: braless tuesday)
and send me proof!!!
let's celebrate in style, ladies!
(and gents)
have a happier tuesday and buy yourself (or someone you love) a new thong.

Monday, November 08, 2004

just lost a post

fuck it.

i won't even bitch about it, this time.
i'll re-examine the sky, though.
and try to put better into words how it looks,
and how it's appearance makes me feel.
and what i have to remember to do today.
the window guys are coming, the window guys are coming.
i'm going to.
i can just tell already.
but, oh well.
they'll knock--
then i'll know they're coming.

hubby's off on his first business trip of the new job.
just one night, so i should be okay.
but--for the record--i'm not thrilled about this aspect of the glorious grand new job.
this aspect can go fuck itself.
i like jobs where my husband gets to be with ME for lots and lots of time.
i guess i could attempt to log some hours on the novel tonight.
perhaps i'm not meant to be a novelist.
i don't think i have the attention span for it.
for example, i already forgot to describe the sky.
it's just that it's full of rolling, thick rain clouds--
just through the middle.
if i look straight up, there is blue.
and at the horizon, there is blue poking through in a couple of spots.
i should have been a meteorologist.
i love weather...
but only for its artistic value.
so maybe i should be a meteor-aestheticist?

and now, i've taken enough time in getting back to this,
that the sky has cleared further.
which is a good thing because the window guys will be removing a couple of windows.

okay. that's enough rambling for now.
more later.


i did NOT forget that the window guys were coming.
i did, however, put off showering until 20 minutes before the appointment.
and they showed up 20 minutes early.
no, no--nothing steamy.
i was just still in my pj's, literally walking to the bathroom,
when the doorbell rang.
hottie, of course.
and my kids apparently agreed, cuz one of them said:
he's my favorite guy!
and then they kept telling him to take off his shoes so he wouldn't get our carpet dirty...
i laughed and explained that the carpets had been cleaned last week so my kids were being obsessive and it was really not a problem.
poor guy.

and that's all.
comment, fuckers.

i have a lot to say for a woman with no mouth

okay, FINE.
i have a mouth.
but sometimes, i start a sentence and there's only one way to finish it.
whether it's true or not, it just has to be said.
so fuck you.
and the horse you rode in on.
i've never quite grasped the meaning of that expression.
in the earlier years, i didn't give it much thought--
probably because my morals hadn't yet eroded to such a thorough extent, at that point.
but now???
jesus christ superstar!
that strikes me as a very filthy thing to say.
and it reminds me of something a guy said the other night--
"if i was a woman, i'd fuck a horse! have you seen those things??"
that's too sick for comment, frankly.

and good morning to YOU!!!
how'd that go with your coffee?
little bestiality over bagels?

let's start over.
something pleasant and breezy and fresh and bright.
something warm and soft.
i could tell you about the house we want.
but i'll wait until we make an offer.
and i don't want to jinx it all...
so i'm going to stop right there.
it has a jetted tub with an in-fucking-credible view, though, for one thing.
and it's twice the size of this joint.
twice the price, too.
but soooo very worth it.

i remember how it was with you, in the beginning,
and sometimes it makes me hurt...
in a good way.
that not knowing, but yet, somehow...
still knowing you so well.
the passion.
the rollercoaster of it--
needing you more when i had you than when i didn't,
even though that seemed impossible and inside out.
needing you differently, i suppose.
needing you with an emptiness when we were apart,
and needing you with an immediacy when we were together.
and it seems like such a distant memory.
and it is, i suppose.
but sometimes i wake up and you're still lingering behind my eyelids.
and i reach out.

happy monday, boys and girls.
try a new position today.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

feeling foggy and thick

but i'm pretty sure i got plenty of sleep.
so i dunno why i feel like a bowl of pudding.
probably caught a cold.


well, we looked at a bunch of duds yesterday--
houses that looked good on paper,
but were crap when we got there.
just before we quit for the day,
we found what we're looking for.

okay, seriously, this is bad.
i feel like i'm yawning all over this page.

we had a lovely dinner and then went to look at some new construction,
which hadn't been started yet, so we couldn't see anything.
and since we were so far west, we decided to swing by a friend's place.
and i got to sit on his bike.
he even started it up for me.
too cold for a ride.

i should be working on my novel
but i'm not.
i'm sitting here, head full of cotton.
ears full of wine whine.
wondering where the hell Chaz is, and starting to worry about Didamo.
hey wait a minute...
maybe they're TOGETHER!!!
hopefully they're both too busy novelling to blog.
but Chaz is about to get his ass kicked.
i do have something to write about!!
i made a mistake last night...
16 year old babysitter called to ask if 2 or 3 of her friends could come over...
we usually stay out really late--1 or 2am.
i waffled a bit, and she promised they'd be good.
i said, "okay, but if it doesn't go well, you won't be doing it again."
there were 2 extra cars at our house, one smack in the middle of the driveway.
and as we stepped into the garage we were greeted by a an old familiar smell.
of a particular variety.
stepped into the kitchen.
boys on couch look at us.
walk out.
babysitter is on the front porch, on the phone.
kids room is locked from the outside.
it's 10pm
they're awake.
and when i go in to tuck them in, they tell me they had oatmeal for dinner and they're hungry.
better than fucking Lucky Charms, i suppose.
so i fed them, and got them back to bed.
can you say, big trouble in little china??
she's lucky i don't like getting involved in family shit or i'd tell her mother.
and she'd never leave her house again.
not impressed.
i am sooo not impressed.

maybe i'll dig down and find something to say in a bit.
or maybe i'll just make a pie.
i want to post that picture as much as you want me to, apparently!!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

god DAMN it

i am LIVID right now.
i just wrote a post--
a pretty damn good one,
considering it was about nothing.
and my son pushed the power button on my computer.
he's lucky i don't believe in beating children.
i sure feel like beating something, though.
got any meat?
well, at least now i'm smiling again.

in the missing post,
i was saying something about something.
and some other stuff.

I am a busy little bee today.
only not really...
i mean, shit--no yellow stripes,
no stinger.
but i am a busy woman.
it's just that somehow, that doesn't sound as cool.

so last night was low key, early to bed, coupla orgasms, and a movie.
so no tales of drunken joy/pain to report.
no hangover to complain about.
no smoke clinging to my hair.
no wondering if i left my ID in the pants pocket that i just threw in the wash.
just up at 6:30 and being a good little industrious girl and getting my chores done.
6 fucking thirty.
SIX god damn thirty.
I'm going to kill whoever's responsible for the time change bull shit.

so here's the deal:
if i don't lose 10 pounds by christmas,
i'll post a fully nude picture of my tits.
oh, wait...
did i just invite you all to send me chocolates??
scratch that.
if i don't lose 10 pounds by christmas...
i have to...
shit, i don't know.
i have to do something really bad.
like be fatter than i want to be, i guess.

i am thinking of putting in a shower cam, though.
well, not really.
but my husband has a mirror in there for shaving,
and when i watch myself washing my hair
i always think of sharing it with you fellas.
(i love that word, by the way--"fellas")
just my head and shoulders, though.
not the shampoo, the body parts.
eh, who am i kidding??
i'm a big talker.
all mouth, no action.
i think MY mouth writes checks my body can't cash.
or something.
stole that from Top Gun,
but i might have gotten it wrong.

we're going to go house hunting today.
wish us luck.
or don't.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

today is the greatest day i've ever known

nah, not really.
but i was listening to the pumpkins last night.
okay, no i wasn't.
but i did have crazy fucked up weird-ass dreams.
...but it was a too many guys to kiss sorta weird.

the novel?
i have spent about 20 minutes on it, so far.
yay me.
i still have plenty of time...
don't i?

tonight is hair-dye night.
whenever i think of that,
i feel like an old lady.
or a high maintenance chick.
either way--
it pisses me off.
i have always taken pride in the fact that i'm a natural kinda girl.
but i guess with age comes the necessity to reach out to the world of cosmetology for a bit of help.
pride is evil anyway.
and besides, tonight I'm taking Becky with me, so we can both have our eyebrows done.
leaving our kids at her house with her babysitter.
maybe we should take a flask...

there aren't very many places i'd rather be right now.
how's that for some fucking passive aggression?
or wishy-washiness, at least.
someone with strong conictions would say, "there's NO PLACE i'd rather be"
or maybe it's just that i have a million places i'd love to see.
or maybe i was just at a standstill with the post,
so i let my eyes go out of focus and starting typing, slowly.
and that's where that sentence took itself.

you know what's really fucking weird?
that sometimes i'm not sure how to raise my kids without the Mormon stuff.
i should probably find a support group or some shit.
but that would be contrary to my stubborn, independent, "i can do it myself whether i fuck it up or not!!" attitude...
it's really weird, cuz it's like being raised in a cult.
only difference is, it's not one.
most mormons i know are good, GOOD people.
and most of the basic concepts of it are just fine.
it's just utah that's all buggered to hell.
i imagine that anywhere with this large of a concentration of the exact same faith
would be a bit suffocating, and distorted.
it just doesn't exist anywhere else in america.
the bible belt is the next closest thing,
and even there, there are dozens (or at least several) different basic sects.

aaaaah, sweet relief--
saying "sects" was like flashing a piece of tinfoil in the peripheral vision of a squirrel--
now i can change the subject.

to what?
sex, i suppose.
sex: natural, fun, one-on-one, everyone should do it, etc.
sex is the meeting of two bodies,
which is often mistaken for the meeting of two hearts.
when the two unions occur together it's explosive.
two hearts can be spliced together like the two sides of a zipper.
sometimes the chemistry outweighs the need for true connection.

i can almost not remember what it felt like to have sex with someone for the first time.
...or with anyone other than my husband.
i can still see their faces,
and remember how powerful i felt sometimes,
and how empty and weak i felt at others.
i can remember wanting someone to the point of insanity...
and then getting him.
i can remember the clear thinking way i decided to give away my virginity--
to someone who loved me for a long time, but for whom i had no feelings.
i will never forget the ones that got away.
i will never forget that night with that friend and the way he still makes me smile.
i can't quite remember the broken hearts right now.
(either given or received)
but i am who i am because of it all.

have a happy thursday, and touch yourself somewhere naughty for me.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

i tried emailing a post, but it didn't work

Because blogger doesn't seem to like me today.
(not that I can blame it.)
I'm kind of a bitch.

Our house is officially FOR SALE.
Come buy it.
It doesn't suck.
That's what the sign says, at least.
No, but we did go to two other houses with the same floor plan in the neighborhood which are for sale--
Scoping the competition, etc.
And it's looking good.
One of them looked like someone's allergic reaction to martha stewart.
The other had no grass, just patchy weeds.

So after the quick home tour, we went to do our civic duty.
We voted.
It is always kind of a thrill to vote...
Even if I live in a state where a democratic vote for president would have made no difference.
I hope that doesn't give away what I did.
Cuz I hate talking about politics, so I refuse to do so.
Don't bother asking, I'll just ignore you.
Hm, that sounds misleading.
I didn't vote a straight republican ticket, however.
And the reason for that is that I live in utah.
And I think this place could use a little balance.
I care what happens, but I don't believe that discussing it with other peons will do me any good.
If I were granted an audience with the president himself, I would collect my thoughts and--
Aw, hell. Who am I kidding?
I'd blow him.

Where was i?
Aw, who cares.
But I am running extremely late.
This post is pretty lame.
So check back...
Maybe a picture, maybe an audio.

Maybe a big fat FUCK YOU.
Ya just never know with me.

Monday, November 01, 2004

monday night is family night

if you're a mormon.
(just thought i'd share that with you)
actually, i decided that, subconciously, i'll believe that i'm moving out of utah,
instead of just to a different place within utah.
i know.
it seems like a stretch.
but i think it'll work.
one thing i can do, toward this end,
i mean, jesus christ.
(or not.)
did i grow up doing that??
hell no.
did i feel comfortable doing that for my first 5 years here?
hell no.
and yet.
here i am--
meeting new people and talking about the weirdness of mormonism within the first 5 minutes.
i'm not saying that i'm going to stop mormon-bashing.
(cuz that would make life a little less worth living...)
i'm just saying...
i'll try to control myself a bit better from now on.

i should apologize for the shitty posts yesterday.
i have no excuse,
i have no shame.
but i'm ready to rock and roll again.

i'm ready to drink a glass of life.
i'm ready to fill your eyes, ears, and mouth with all that is beautiful in this world--
and in me.
i am ready...
to show you how to fly, teach you to dance--
call you on the lame dope-smoking, slackin' little sucker you are.
(sorry, i got possessed by some monster magnet lyrics for just a second there...)
i'm ready to scream myself hoarse at metallica and godsmack.
i'm ready to feel something new.
i'm ready to shop...
i'm ready to be all that i can be in the Housewife Army...

i cooked salmon and baby carrots and german chocolate cake tonight.

i sometimes wonder...
if anyone else forgets to be self-concious at all the best times.
often, i worry that some of the people who seem happy are only happy because they don't know...
i can't decide if i am glad that i don't or wish that i could--
understand drug addiction, understand hate...
i do wish i had my incredible memory still.
and my ability to eat unlimited amounts of sugar.

and i stumbled onto a new way to say something--
the words ran through my mind and out your mouth.
because that's exactly how it happens sometimes.

i'm not ready for winter.
and i don't think i'm ready to move.
i'm scared.
what if i like it less?
what if i hate even more of my neighbors?
what if the traffic sucks? (okay, i already know that'll be true)
what if....
what if all i really want is to go home?
i'm being a baby.
i think....
the real problem
is that i don't have anyone to really get excited with.
i mean...
this is huge.
we're taking not just a step up, but like a leap.
and it's hard to be as enthusiastic as i feel,
when we're going to be leaving a lot of people in the dust.
it's not that they're not happy for us.
i just hate feeling like i'm gloating...
which i don't do, but i'm kind of sensitive, i guess--

fuck that shit.
i need to start my novel.
i need to finish spackling and sanding and painting and--
i need to drive a fast car faster.
i need to ski like i drive.
i need to get dressed up and go down.
i need to ride a horse bareback across a field.
i need to run from one end of a beach to the other.
i need to slip into the hot springs and out of my clothes.
i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good morning

or at least
it's morning.

it's really cold here.
snowed over the weekend.
blah blah.

the important thing is this:
go wish Didamo the happiest of happy birthdays!!!!
today is the day to start your novel!!!!
this is the most fun you'll have in a month, i promise.
i completed it in 2002, started and quit last year, and have big plans for this year...
hopefully i can do it.
i know of a few dozen of you on my links list who damn well better be joining up.
and don't think it's too late--
the year i made 50,000 words, i didn't even hear about it until november 5th,
AND my parents were in town--staying with me--for a week.
so it's like i only had about 3 weeks to do it.
and it's not about quality--
it's about quantity.
i learned so much about writing and myself as a writer from that little exercise.
and i was so madly in love with my book that i thought i would publish it.
it was, however, the first creative thing i had written since high school 9 years previously.
so it's collecting dust on my hard drive.
(no, honey, calm down--i didn't say there's dust on the hard drive...)
but someday, i may revamp it.
cuz i love that little tale...
so, please, join up.
write your heart out--feel, learn, ache, exult.
it'll change your life.

i think i've run out of things to say.
just for today.
i need to shower.
and work hard on the housey stuff.
i should have taken before and after pictures.
but maybe i'll at least take some after ones.
cuz it's looking really good.

i forgot the big story!
frigging cat wandered into the heating ducts while we were working on the flooring.
she went in through the upstairs bathroom and ended up downstairs, on the other end of the house, right on top of the furnace.
it only took about 10 minutes to get the thing torn apart and put back together.
so it was not a big deal, after all.
but my husband was pretty mad for a minute...thinking he'd have to pay someone to come get her out.
he hates her anyway.

i think i have a case of the mondays.
screw you guys, i'm going home.

(yes, i realize i just closed the post with quotes from two different shows. at least they're both funny. and so is your haircut.)

if you'll pretend i wrote this on monday,

then so will i.

and for that matter--
if you'll pretend i have anything to say,
then so will i.
we're good like that,
you and me.
tell each other pretty lies,
and no one gets hurt.
what the FUCK did that mean??
that glue i was sniffing must have been Crazy Glue.

so i was thinking about doing an audio post,
because i actually had a silly story to tell.
but i'm too lazy--
that's a lot of damn numbers to dial, okay??
and now the story got sillier (or more silly?)
so it's just as well:

the other night, after the bar,
we cruised through the mcD's drivethru
for some sober-up food.
i ordered an apple pie.
it was dark in the car.
so i ate along, merrily...
and wondered only a little at the odd taste.
i had two bites left when i mentioned to Becky
that it tasted more like cinnamon than apples.
she said, "my mom had a strange pumpkin pie the other day from--"
okay, so it's highly embarassing that it took me so long to figure that out...
but in my defense, it did taste mostly like cinnamon,
and i don't usually eat pumpkin pie warm, which it was...
so that's only kinda silly.
but i've told it a couple of times over the weekend...
cuz maybe i'm short on anecedotes,
or maybe i was more amused by it than i am now,
or maybe i don't know.
i mentioned something about doing an audiopost of it to my husband.
oh god, not that story AGAIN! he said.
i put on a big, fake pout.
and pouted so hard that tears started spilling out.
so then i started laughing.
and he thought i was really crying.
and hilarity ensued.

okay, but even better than that--
i was in the shower this morning,
and the bathroom door opened and closed.
hello? i asked...
pretending to be completely sure it was my husband,
but in reality, i only ask that so that i can quiet the voice in my head--
the one telling me an axe murderer has just walked in.
(thank god the voice is never right)
(or never has been YET!!!)
fucking tangents...
so i say hello, and hubby answers.
and i ask what he's doing.
"Putting some caulk in the crack."
i started giggling.
and i couldn't stop.
i laughed so hard i actually started crying.
which, contrary to the evidence brought forth in this post...
doesn't happen very often.
he was rolling his eyes--
i could tell.
then, just as i was about to slow down the laughter--
he said, "I was thinking of using some black caulk..."
i doubled over with a big guffaw,
and squeaked out, "but it wouldn't fit!!"
sometimes sleep deprivation and happy kinds of stress cause temporary insanity.
ooh, wait--temporary insanity??
too bad i didn't kill someone--
could have gotten away with it!!

that's enough LAME ASS STORIES for today.

i think i'll go suck off my husband and watch the end of cheaper by the dozen.
oh wait, i thought of a fun porn title today
(yes, i believe i just promised no more stories...)
Four Screws and Seven Queers ago...
i'll probably get struck by lightening, sent to hell and put in time-out for that.

oh yeah, happy halloween.
happy daylight savings time.
and please don't let me forget to vote...