Friday, July 30, 2004


Well, here i am...
on vacation.

i feel like i have lost my marbles--
and worry that i never had any to begin with.

my kids are having a hard time without me--
they don't understand why i'm not back yet...
makes me want to cry, talking to them.
"mommy why aren't you here? i need a hug!"
twist of the gut...
my littlest loves.

i love small towns.
i love MY small town.
it is as beautiful here as i remembered...
although "remembered" doesn't quite describe it.
it's a part of me, without questioning, without concious thought.
this place is my heart.
the smells, the sounds--leaves rustling in the breeze, stillness everywhere else.
the blues and greens are overwhelming...
where there is not ocean, there is sky--
where there is not grass, there is forest.
my small town is growing, however...

and i have set up dates with all of my friends.
so now i know how my week looks and i like it.
if i can locate some rental kayaks tomorrow morning we will join the Jasmine best friend for an easy river run.
tomorrow night is the wedding.
sunday is, as yet, unscheduled...
monday will probably be with the Jessica best friend--
(who is expecting a baby she may name max!)
tuesday i will go see the Abbey best friend--
who relayed that she has been reading this...yes, i know i gave her the URL...but.
i didn't think she'd read it...
she read the girl-kissing post.
and now she thnks i'm a crazy sicko.
she's right.
and wednesday the husband will golf.
and i will hang with his golfing buddie's wife.
that's backwards...
the wife has been a dear friend since jr. high.
our husbands met--well, after they frickin became our husbands!
that'll be fun.
wednesday night is The Lobster Festival---woooo hooooo!!!!
then thursday we'll go to dinner with BELLE--
who will be my VERY FIRST online person to meet in real life.
i'm super excited.
i told her to bring a single red rose, so i'll recognize her. don't think that's too on-line-lover cliche, do you?
oh well.
friday night we'll go "out"--barhopping, etc.
saturday morning we head for boston, where we'll stay until monday morning.
at which point we'll return home.
to two basket-case kids...

Fantasy Friday??

yes, that's what it's supposed to be...
i am in Maine.
and i believe i'll use that as my excuse for having no fantasy...

we had a great flight, we're here.
nothing much to say right now.

we had outlined a rather detailed plan for having in-flight sex...
but we both chickened out.
starting with HIM.
so i had planned on writing about that...
i did have some rather steamy dreams last night, though.
maybe that was a sign.
a sign that i should be a man about it and pull a fantasy out from my deepest depths anyway.
or not so much "a man", but you know what i mean.

I'll give it a shot.

(i've started and stopped this thing 3 times already...)

and i just don't have one today.
my deepest apologies...
i'll try to do an extra one some time before next friday, to make up for it...
but maybe i've reached the end of the line.
i doubt it.
i'm feeling write.
i don't know what it is.

damn, but it was muggy when we landed in boston last night!
thick, soft air.
like being lost in a twisted pile of blankets.
too many of them, too heavy, too warm.
thank god for air conditioning in the car.

i have a fun idea!
why don't you all leave me YOUR fantasies, in the comments??
that would be soooo cool!
i would love you for it...
and then maybe i'd be inspired.
(picture me batting my eyelashes--naked)


Thursday, July 29, 2004

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

I'm leaving on a jet plane

(wow, did ya catch that? the beautiful fusion of shakespeare and jon denver...)

I am very excited for my trip...
but I'm feeling sad to leave behind my little ones.
oh, i'll enjoy every minute of my free time, don't worry.
but man oh man...
do you remember how slowly 10 days passed, when you were FOUR??
i think they'll have lots of fun and hardly know i'm gone...
but i also know that they'll miss me almost as much as i'll miss them.

so i've cleaned my whole house and packed my whole closet and i think i think...
i just might be ready.
i miss that feeling of euphoria i used to get upon arrival in maine...
i miss the aching i used to feel to live there again.

i hope some of my old friends are around while i'm there.
i can't believe i forgot to let them know i'm coming...
i guess i'm more involved in my life here than i used to let myself be.

this is a shitty post.
it's gray and brown and tastes like tofu.
it's monochromatic.
it's the dried husk of a corn cob.
it's ugly and sad and boring.
because i'm fucking exhausted and excited and sad.
i can't.

my mind is numb.
maybe i need food...?
have i eaten?
who knows.

i do think you should all go check out Kevynn's new site.
it's a fantastic idea.
i did it, so you should, too.

which reminds me...
you should also go to Chaz's site and check out his latest post.
sincerity is the most flattering form of imitation.
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
yeah, that's it.
if you can guess who he's saluting, i'll give you a prize.
nah, i'll actually give you a smack on the ear if you CAN'T guess.

someone smack ME on the ear--i'm sitting here sulking and i'm

jesus h.
(i'm pretty sure the 'h' stands for Hernandez--which could be the mexican equivalent of Herndon, but DON'T get me started on that.)

i think i may be sufficiently excited.
i'm going to party.
with the lights off.
...except when i'm at the cabin, at which point, the party lights better be on!
(too bad the only people who 'get' that joke don't read this...shout out to jasmine, jeannie, julie and laura)
it's going to be FUCKING great.
and i'm going to drink too much, sleep too much, and have waaaay more sex in my parents house than they do...ick.
i'm going to go to the beach, the bar, and your mom's house.
yes, YOUR mom.
it is none of your damn business how i know your mom.
i just do.
and you shouldn't feel bad that she likes me better than she likes you--most people do, and your mom's human too, you can't blame her.

time for me to go work on fantasy friday, since i won't be near a computer again until.
really early friday morning...
i will post it mid day friday...
so watch for it.
i'll be around so i won't need to miss you suckers.

go away now.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

happy humpty dance day

or is that "hump day"?
eh, whatever.
YOU know what i'm talking about.
and if you don't, you have the good sense to smile and nod.
(your mama taught you well.)

sometimes i feel like i'm the crazy lady.
sometimes i feel like feeling up the crazy lady.
sometimes i feel myself.

guess how hard it is to think original thoughts with ESPN blaring, mere feet away?
do i have headphones here??
i'm in my room.
my giant-ass bedroom (also known as the master suite...)
with my giant-ass monitor (also known as 21 inches...)
and i can't fucking concentrate.
...and just like that, the Lisa-gets-her-way Fairy spit some sleep onto my husband.
so i pushed the mute button.
and now...
i have peace.
i have serenity.
i have calm cool collection...
it's quiet, awright??
and i think i'll take a moment to relish that.
(oops, i almost fell asleep)

here i am--for what feels like the first time in too long to remember, in which i've had peace...

i discovered tonight that one of my girlfriends is mad at me.
and i don't really know why.
but it breaks my heart.
she doesn't read this, so i could probably go into detail.
but i don't want to.
i just wish that it didn't feel like jr. high...

and i keep burping pizza.
and beer.
and i like it.

sometimes i wish i could crawl through a hole in the fabric of time.
sometimes i think that i can fly...
once upon a time i had wild and wonderful dreams.
i still do.
once upon a time i was strong and independent.
now i'm stronger and interdependent...
i used to have this gut feeling that i would be a celebrity.
i also used to have a gut feeling that i would have one son, and be a single mother.
(so that's out)
my gut sucks.
it also is larger than i would like.
and i have a canker sore inside my cheek.
not a cold sore.
those are crusty and oozing and i hate them.
this just stings.

i nearly forgot.
i went out to my car this afternoon, to go to my girl's night thingy.
wrestled my kids into their carseats.
and the damn battery was dead.

my neighbor was in her out her car.
i've never met her.
so i called the mr.
...on the golf course.
so i called my friend who was going the same place as me...
but she was already waaay past my house.
she offered to come back and get me if i needed her.
i sucked it up and went to ask the neighbor for a jump.
she hesitated...
my heart beat faster...
said she didn't know how.
well, I DO, so if it wouldn't be too much trouble...?
thank you so much, etc...
she came over, i hooked up the two batteries, and bam.
my car was running.
sometimes, i am so damned impressed with myself it's just silly.
i haven't had to jump a car for a loooong time.
used to drive beaters, in the college days.
so i learned a LOT about cars.
but this was just a case of my kids turning on my headlights sometime this morning...
and leaving them on all day.

okay, if i haven't rambled enough for you--
read it again.
cuz i'm over and out.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


a post??
am i supposed to do a post today??
good god.
it's 3pm and i'm still in my pj's.
how the fuck do you expect a post when i'm in such a state???
i think i'll have ice cream for lunch, just to spite you.
or me.
or my ass.
speaking of my ass...
i posted some new shit over on fucking buzznet.
and my kids requested a nap--WTF??--and now they're in there not sleeping.
oh well.
the point is: THEY ARE IN THERE.
and i am out here.

but, alas, i have much to do.
so scurrry on over to buzznet and tell me i'm too old/fat/crazy to be posting such images.
or buy me stuff.

and remember i love you.
or at least i am glad you read my silly stuff.
and that's about the same.

Monday, July 26, 2004

It's Monday and that means I'm not dead least that's what i'm assuming.
I'm pretty sure you don't have morning breath when you're dead.
but i could be wrong.
maybe that's what being dead IS--morning breath and BO.
In any case...I made it through a busy, "fun"-filled weekend.
oh, i'm whining a BIT--the weekend was truly enjoyable.
in MY book...
if you're too tired to have wild sex at the end of a day then it was too busy.

i've been sitting here for nearly 20 minutes--mesmerized by the disney channel.
...and my satin pajama pants...
i can't stop running my hands over my thighs!!
and every time i start typing a sentence, i glance up to see what JoJo the clown is doing...
also, i have had a relapse.
my 12-step program is in the trash...
my addiction has swept through my ravaged soul yet again...
eh, it's no big deal, i'm as addicted to the gym as i am to sugar so it all evens out.
but it sure is fun to be dramatic.

well, our trip is in its final stages of planning--we leave thursday.
i haven't called anyone to tell them i'm coming...
i guess i should do that.
lots of old friends to see...
i plan to blog, so don't desert me...
we'll spend a couple of days in boston.
the rest of the time we'll be dashing about the state (maine) visiting all the important folks...
not much sitting around...

have i ever told you guys about the time i made out with a girl?
i don't think I told that story.
it was just a couple of months ago...
it was hot, but--
i almost think it was too...
too personal.
yes, this is coming from ME--the queen of open book, the queen of smut.
so that's why i haven't detailed it in a fantasy friday or talked about it at all...
but you'll have to be satisfied with the short version:
we kissed, we groped--then our men took over and finished things off properly.

and on that happy note--
y'all have a great monday.
don't drink and drive.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Happy Pioneer Day

Little Utah state holiday...
parades and fireworks.

last night my husband went to his brother's house for the evening.
i was soooo excited to have a few hours to myself.
and what happened?
i putzed around on the internet and went to bed at 11.
what a waste!!!
i had big plans, too.
oh well.
at least i enjoyed the time i spent awake.
and, hell--i definitely enjoyed the sleep.
even if i did have freaky and disturbing dreams.

so here i sit, with nothing to say.
and places to go.
today i would say, "i have run out of things to say"
but in 5 minutes that would change, so i won't bother saying it.

i am bored, and boring.
i am content, and restless.
i am amused, and amusing.
i am selfless and selfish.
i am self-aware, and oblivious.
i am shy and bold.

once upon a time,
(or maybe twice...)
i had something to say.
but not today.
did i just rhyme?
i don't have the time...
shit, i did it again.
please take away my pen!
okay, this is silly.
(kinda like jennifer tilly.)
yes, i know i'm a dork.
but at least i eat with a fork.
should i beat this dead horse?
answer anything but "of course".
should i finish this post?
and go eat some toast?
are you still reading?
that's what i'm needing.
and also a back rub,
and a soak in the tub.
poetry this is not,
but don't be such a snot.
it's still kinda fun
even if I'm no nun.
rhyming and rhyming,
without proper timing--
i'm addicted, it seems
so please mute your screams.
(--of agony or mirth?
this must feel like giving birth.)
so stop reading, you twit!
no one made you do it.
so stop writing, you say?
well, that sounds okay.

jumping jesus on a pogo stick!!
that was scary.
it was sort of like being possessed...
but not by one of those evil spirits, like in the exorcist--
more like the spirit of McKauly Caulkin in Home Alone...
devilish, but not in a bad way.

well, i am off to do my one good deed of the year--
help my mother in law clean the new house she's moving into.
it'll be fun.
or something.

but please, promise me you'll have a fun day without me.
eat something sinful,
drive too fast (even if it's just for a minute)
and think the filthiest, nastiest thoughts you possibly can.
preferably not all at the same time, but, i'm not one to be bossy--
do what you want!!!

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fantasy Friday XXXIV

(don't the roman numerals add a nice touch of class to this skanky joint? heh.)

sorry, i'm having trouble pulling one out this morning...
went to bed, drunk, at 3am.
would someone remind me that i'm too old for this???

deep breath....
ready, set, fantasize--

The night is still, reaching out around us heavily.
We are a patch of light, heat, energy.
There is nothing but you in this whole universe, nothing but me in your eyes.
We move together so fluidly it feels as though we are parts of the same body.
I feel your teeth on my neck and arch my back.

My hands run over your back, your arms.
The air around us is filled with our scents, our sounds.
You are speaking softly into my ear and I smile.
We are here.
There is no tomorrow, and the word 'yesterday' doesn't exist.
The heat coming off each of our bodies is so intense that it is almost painful.
I touch you in ways you've never dreamed of, but it feels like home.
You look into my eyes and my heart stops beating, but I breathe on.
I need to be closer to you than this--
I need to slip out of my own body and into yours, to feel you in my core.
You kiss me slowly and I shake.
--with anticipation, with joy?
You worship my body with your mouth, hands...
We shatter the night with our cries of pleasure--together, like a well-rehearsed symphony.
The sun begins to rise over the ocean, and we are remined of our fleeting time together.
You hold me so tightly at that moment...
And I hold you...
Both of us knowing it should never end.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Rock Block Thursday

...on my favorite radio station--not here.

but at least it's thursday.
and at least we're leaving one week from today.
Have I mentioned that I'm excited?

And tonight is going to be a busy one.
i'm going to a dinner theater thing with my mother-in-law.
then to karaoke with some girlfriends.
yes,i know what you're saying--dinner theater??
with your mother-in-law??
hold the pity--i love dinner, and theater and i happen to enjoy my mother in law's company.
so...i imagine that those things probably qualify me as more of a mega nerd than any of you had imagined.
but that is okay with me.
i get to drive all the way to salt lake--BY MYSELF.
(huge sigh of contentment.)
loud music.
high speeds.
(no, not 130, chaz!)
but i'll have no children/children's music.
and no one to TALK to.
yes...i love talking...
i'm feeling burned out lately, i guess.
i just haven't been ALONE in what feels like months.
and i'm looking forward to it.

has anyone tried the new Lime Diet Coke?
it tastes exactly like Rose's Lime.
I know this because I was a bartender when I was 18, 19 and 20--
and i didn't drink then.
so, i would play around with the non-alcoholic stuff when i was bored.
speaking of being bored....
on a scale of one to ten???
how fucking bored are YOU right now?
i'll try to shake it up a bit.

well, i just opened windows media player,
so i could block out the chaos and attempt to write something non-shitty.
and i usually ignore their crap, and go straight to my playlists.
but something caught my eye.....
with blonde hair, no less.
and a download of their newest live show.
i am now perfectly happy.
yup, got it.
the kids have the disney channel...i have Mr. Vedder.
i wish i had mr. vedder.
i don't have many celebrity crushes--they're futile and silly.
sure, i find plenty of celebrities attractive, but as far as obsessions?
just my man Eddie Vedder.
and why?
cuz he's more than just a pretty face.
i won't lower myself to defending my deep love of a stranger.
i won't bore you with a list of what i adore about him.
I WILL admit that I am exaggerating--quite a bit.
this is good stuff, though.
hell, i might even BUY it.
no shit.
oh...his voice...
I listened to pearl jam every day on my way to work...
that last summer i was home...
the ocean to my right, vast green to my left.
driving as fast as the curvy roads allowed--
passing 2 and 3 slow-ass tourists at a time.
always late, often hungover.
with eddie and zepellin escorting me wherever i went.
that was a great summer.

and on that note, i better go shower.
get my ass to the gym.
and shower again.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Missing in action

That's me.
I will be entertaining some of my nieces and nephews today...
so i'll be away from the computer for the most part.

have i told you lately that i love my gym?
L is for the lean muscle mass i'm creating.
O is for the odor of sweating bodies.
V is for the very cute boys to look at.
E is for the elephant i no longer resemble.

okay, so that was one of the top 5 lamest things i've ever written.
but it sure does make my other stuff look good, dunnit?

ooh, i'll do an audio post later.
i even have a funny story to tell--for once.
and it IS funny.
not to be missed, in fact.
and PLEASE remind me to post some new pictures to buzznet.


i don't know who i'm kidding...
i'll be around today.
now i need to go shower.

i am wishing on a star

but the star is falling...

I do however, wish that i could remember to use my shift key.
I used to use it...
just like deodorant.
used to use that, too.
i did actually buy a new flavor this week, though.
every time i move, i catch a wiff.
and it's oh so purdy.
botanical silk.
where the FUCK do they come up with these ridiculous names?
although it does feel rather silky...
it claims to condition the under arm area--smooth and nourish the skin.
and no...i didn't exactly fall for it.
but it sounded so nice!!!
i hate it when i'm a sucker for advertising.

we've been having marvelous thunder storms here.
sunny and 90's all day, then in the early evening--
the clouds roll in and the sky starts to grumble.
jagged branches of lightening, thick gray banks of clouds.
my kids are just like me...
we ran around on the wet grass, letting the sky wash us.
oohing and aahing at the lightening--more impressive than any fireworks.
warm rain is the best end to a summer day.
sometimes it rains mud here, because there is so much dust kicked up by the force of the rain.

i just deleted this whole long rant about Utah not being my real home and all that same old boring whiney crap i've spewed a dozen times before.
You're welcome.

raise your hand if you'll be on vacation in MAINE next week.
(what a loser!! i can't believe you fell for that AGAIN!!! i bet the people in your office think you're kinda strange right about now...)
i'm hoping i end up with some true relaxation time...
time to read, time to write.
i am almost ready to make a change from my usual going home routine--
and NOT party like it's 1999 (or, to be more exact, 1997--GOD what a year!!)
but we'll see...
maybe i'll pretend to be a real adult this time.
that doesn't sound very fun.
so probably not.
i think what i really need--
more than anything else--
is to stop fucking thinking.
...and just let the white noise swirl around in my head like a gentle tornado.
lulling me into a dreamless sleep.
from which i would awake with the power to fly, and a book deal.
and possibly a bit of rug burn.

does anyone know what happened to Lick Magazine?
I am jonesing for another edition of it...

Monday, July 19, 2004

oh the beautiful harmony of the garbage truck and the disney channel

speak up, sonny!
i can't friggin hear ya!
(see title)
once upon a time...
i was normal.
and naive.
and naked.
and nature-loving.
and nihlistic.
and naughty.
and nervous.
and neighborly.
and not sure where i'm going with this.
i really was normal once...
and i've begun to wonder if that was a dream or this is.
oh, i'm not that far from normal--don't go alerting the press or having me committed.
it's just that my memory is shot and i am never alone and i feel different than i did ten years ago.
(seriously, i do--you should touch me and see for yourself)
but what does it all matter?
i'm going on vacation next week.
that's right--
i may be the only housewife alive whose benefits package includes a ten day paid vacation.
as in...
no kids.
hallelujah, praise the gods and goddesses--or at least that demi-god Achilles, well, brad pitt in Troy...
speaking of beautifully crafted males.
we saw I, Robot last night.
Will Smith has been WORKING OUT.
his pecs were probably as big as my non-pecs in the same region, if you ya catch my drift.
it's possible that i'm drooling right now.
but you'll never know!!!
anyway, i liked the movie.
it wasn't mind-blowingly great, but it was worth a movie ticket.
(and should i realllly mention "blowing" in a movie theater discussion without elaborating?)
i'm going to go to work today.
so i probably better get my ass in gear.
make breakfast.
take a shower.
pick up the babysitter.
and PLEASE would you guys help me to remember to pick up my damned thyroid pills?
i will forget, so don't beat yourselves up over it.
just make sure and laugh fairly loudly when i admit that i forgot anyway.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

a beautiful day for neighbors...
would you be mine?
could you be mine?
PLEASE!!!! won't you be my neighbor?

i'm serious.
i need some decent fucking neighbors.
oh me!
they're all uptight dork-ass mormons.
(not that there's anything wrong with that...)
at least i am sitting in the shade, in my yard, watching my kids play in the pool and on the slip n slide....
of course, they refuse to either slip OR slide on it.
which doesn't surprise me a bit.
they're stubborn little birds.
("shit birds" if you're Kat!! and trust me, that's a good word for 'em)
and yes, i can easily avoid most of my neighbors while sitting outside.
this is how it's accomplished:
(any or all of the following)
*wear a tank top (preferably bra-less)
*wear shorts above the knee
*play outside or mow the lawn on a SUNDAY
*drink a beer in the yard
*smoke a cigarette in the yard
*have loud sex with the windows open...
um...that's about it.
so i was asked recently, in an IM conversation with a dashing male reader, if there is anything about me that is "shocking".
the answer is, sadly, "no".
although, for the most part that is because i am an open book.
i've told all the shocking things about me as they occur.
so i've been racking my brain...
and there really isn't anything.
it may shock you to hear how devoted to the mormon religion i once was.
and that i planned on staying a virgin until i was married.
i suppose it might surprise you that i used to be intensely, painfully shy--particularly with boys, but really with everyone.
it might cause an eyebrow or two to lift if i told you i once shop lifted a few things.
you may not have already known or guessed that i used to go dancing 3 times a week.
so there.
look at me!!!
all sorts of shocking stuff.
go freaking enjoy your weekend.
step away from the computer.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner

sometimes i feel
like my only friend
is the city i live in
this city she loves me
lonely as i am
together we cry.
i never feel like i don't have a partner--more like...
i get claustrophic sometimes.
AND this city?
she don't love me.
i don't even live in a city.
never have.
but for some reason, those opening lyrics to that particular Red Hot Chilli Peppers song...
they get me.
i almost did an audio post today, but then i realized something.
what the FUCK is the point of those things?
i have nothing to say ON HERE.
so why waste my/your time with that shit??
i'll probably do one anyway.
i actually had a deep-ish thought while i was driving, though.
something about growing up and seeing the world differently.
but i can't remember it anymore.
what a surprise.
shit, now that's bugging me.
it was something about....
not giving a shit what people think about you??
i used to have a great memory.
but's flacid.
just like---
not THAT.
you guys are all total sickos. 
can anyone guess what i'm going to say next?
that's right--
i had a great workout today.
there were cute boys everywhere.
like wallpaper.
like delicious, sweating wallpaper!
i ran a couple of miles and lifted a few things--all with my eyes wide open.
and my ears full of Godsmack.
i just got a call from (who else?) Becky.
we're going to see DodgeBall (a second time for each of us).
(drum roll)
the famous...
so i better go get ready.
(read: shower off the stench from the gym and put on some semi-clean clothes...)
buh bye suckers

Friday, July 16, 2004

Fantasy Friday?

oops...i forgot AGAIN.
i have family staying with me again, and we went out last night...
pf changs, watching hubby play drums (hot!), drinking beer and going to the karaoke bar.
good, good times.
anyway, no fantasy got written last night.
guests are in the shower, so here's my chance to churn one out---


lying awake i wonder...
sometimes if that noise i hear is you.
are you throwing pebbles at my window?
are you waiting outside for me?
and will we ride away, sure and fast into the night?
me, wrapped around you?
on your rumbling machine...
to a place that doesn't really exist.
where everything is soft and cool, yet warm at the same time.
we would be wrapped in the moment, the smell of fresh flowers and an ocean breeze somehow finding us.

we would find oursleves naked, and move toward each other.
our kisses would start out soft--but soon they would wake us enough that this would feel more than real.
we would kiss harder, and reach for each other.
the scene around us would change--
everything would be vivid and sharp.
our bodies would take over and our minds would be focused on only each other.
we would be startled to find that we knew every inch of each other, and the exploration would be made all the sweeter for it.
we would somehow know just the right ways to touch each other--driving each of us mad with pleasure.
our bodies would nearly float as they came together...
heavy breathing would turn to moans, heated skin would turn sweaty.
and again our surroundings would change--
a star-filled sky would hold us in its arms, rocking with us--exploding around us in shades of white and silver.
and then i would wake with a start, smelling you in my hair, tasting you on my lips.
and i would sit on the window sill looking out...

Thursday, July 15, 2004

well, fuck

i had a whole post written.
i stepped over to my kids' computer to load their new fucking computer game.
and twin B came over and deleted the post.
i don't know how he did it.
but i'm going to kill him.
--and i'm not kidding.

i just had him show me which key he pushed.
apparently that deletes a whole post.

it wasn't even a very good post.
but i still spent time on it.
and time is valuable.
okay, my time might only be worth pesos, as opposed to yen, but still.
god DAMN it.

i was attempting to not bitch and moan about the fact that it's hard to concentrate with kids shows on.
and doing a good job of it, frankly.
i believe i said:
writing with that crap on is about as easy as running a marathon without training.
which then reminded me that my best friend, J, wanted me to start training for a marathon with her.
and of course i haven't been running much lately.
so i was berating myself for not stepping up to the challenge.
it's a lost post and that's okay.
i'll move on.

for example...
my husband is the coolest.
my kids broke my dryer...
it's only about 2 years old, so it should NOT have worn out yet.
they slam the door closed so much that they snapped off the little lever thingy.
the one that tells the dryer it's okay to turn on because the door's closed, etc?
so we ordered the new part but they said it would be FIVE motherfucking days.
i was...crestfallen...(what a kick ass word that is!!)
so he took the thing apart...
and made it work anyway.
he's my hero.

oh oh!
and here's the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time.
so, i grew up in maine, right?
and it's very humid there.
i have naturally curly hair, but without the humidity it's less curly.
it's fine, i'm used to it, etc.
we decided to replace our central air with what's called a swamp cooler.
if you live in a desert area, you have probably heard of this.
if not, i'll recap: it's an evaporative cooling system--uses water to cool...
my house is now a tropical paradise.
well, not tropical (cuz it's pleasantly cold) and not a paradise...cuz my kids still live here...
and guess what that means?
i'll get around to taking some pictures sometime, and i'll post them for comparison.

now that i've written all that, about my hair...
i feel like it may have been the most boring thing i've ever written.
and that's saying A LOT.
i do apologize.
but i hope you understand that i am giddy like a child at a circus at the way my hair looks now.

woke up this morning.
and when i got out of bed i noticed that my pj pants are on inside out.
that means what you think it means.
i don't think i've ever done that before, though.
putting them on inside out after a rendez vous.
(can it be called a rendez vous if you're married?? whatever.)
and the back of my hair was matted into oblivion.
it was a good night.
poor neighbors didnt' get any sleep.

tonight we're going to a place to do karaoke.
although, the place we were planning to go may have burned down yesterday.
we better find out first.

i feel like writing something non-lame.
in fact, tomorrow is friday, so i better not forget to write something special...
but RIGHT NOW i want to write something...

not something shallow.
not something boring.
not something bitchy.
i could sink down into the bottom of my soul and see what's there?
probably just cobwebs and dust bunnies.
i know i haven't used the damn thing in a while.
...thought about selling it to ole what's his name back when i was in college and had no money.
it could have fetched quite a price, in those days...
it was pure and clean--not a speck on it, really.
probably not as flawed as i think it is...
which reminds me of how glad i am to NOT be raising my kids in a religion that drowns a person in guilt.
what a stupid fucking way to grow up.

okay, i guess i've rambled on long enough.
you all have yourselves a great thursday.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

this cracked me up

it may be stupid.
you may have seen this list before.
i may NOT care.

i got it from Becky.
(hey! that would make a great t-shirt...)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting a date.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's,
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

i feel like it's been weeks since my last post

i guess time flies when you're having an enema.
or fun.
or something...

i am going to attempt to cut my kids' hair today.
because i'm a glutton for punishment.
and because they usually thrash and cry and whine if i take them to a salon*.
so, i'll let you know how THAT goes.
...if i survive.

yesterday i went to Becky's house.
and sat in the sun, and the shade, and the kids' pool.
she was a goooooood hostess:
she provided some drinks, and some dinner and a lingere show.
you guys missed out.
okay, okay--so if you're a guy, i'm sure you're picturing us trying on lacey things and having a pillow fight and making out.
that's not what happened, but if you're enjoying that vision--please, feel free to endulge in such a thought.
nah, it was more like, she took the bag of new stuff out and showed me each item--as we ooh-ed and aaah-ed over the push up qualities of one and the see-through qualities of another.
and the best part?
the kids (we each have 2 boys) played so well together the whole time.
just played played played.
(and no, we were not drunk at any point.)
it was a good day.
(attention: slightly serious stuff to follow)

tomorrow is my sons' 4th birthday!!
i'm so excited!
we're getting them new bikes and a sandbox and some other stuff.
i can't wait to see them riding BIG bikes...
they're growing up.
and--woooooooo hoooooooo!
and another sniff...
it still amazes me how tiny they started out, how fragile.
7 weeks early.
4 pounds each.
on respirators and with feeding tubes...
i didn't even see oliver until the next day--
and i was only shown max for a fleeting moment.
when they pulled oliver out, i heard a distant voice say, "...not breathing..."
the drugs for dulling the pain of surgery kept me from panicking.
then i heard a tiny cry and a gore covered max was brought to my view.
then gone.
then i was taken to recovery where i shuddered with cold and couldn't form coherant thoughts.
i hate pain medication.
i tried to stop taking it the first day, but then i couldn't walk, so i had to start up again.
getting wheeled up to the newborn intensive care unit to see my pair of little red bugs.
and finally holding them...
so carefully, their dozen or so wires not making it easy.



going home without them, 3 days later.
driving to the hospital 3 times a day to nurse them.
or attempt to.
they didn't ever figure out how to eat.
premies don't have the hunger instict, they told me.
feeling lucky that my boys were so healthy.
finally taking them home...on the date my doctor had set for inducing me.
the day they should have been born.
3 1/2 weeks later.
please at the "cordless" versions of our tiny sons.
not having a frigging clue what to do with them when we got home.

first week home

and now?
you wouldn't know they were born a day early.
such rugged, smart little monsters.
they sure did sleep a lot back then.
(and i still don't have a frigging clue what to do with them!)

so it's off to the gym with my fat ass.
hope you're all having a great day.

and maybe...
juuuust maybe...
i'll write a decent post at some point in the near future.
(do NOT hold your breath)
*perhaps i should try a "saloon" next time?

Monday, July 12, 2004

to post or not to post?

since i'm here, i guess i'm posting...
but it won't be much of a post, so perhaps it could be considered a non-post.
am i making ANY sense?
probably not.

i think it's funny when i have company so i have to forego sitting in front of my computer endlessly...and i get twitchy.
hey! just in my eye...
the left one.
and also my right arm.
but it might just be a coincidence.

i need to go to the gym RIGHT NOW.
but i'm sitting here.
okay, bye.
i miss you ALL.

ooh, maybe i'll do an audio post.
--if my sugar high kicks in.
hugs and kisses for you all.
(and yes, i mean the hershey's kind. and no, i'm not serious.)

Sunday, July 11, 2004

but in the darkest depths of Mordor

I met a girl so fair
then gollum--the evil one--
crept up and slipped away with her
her, yeah

(but only because i plan to ramble on in a talking sense, not in the "moving on" sense that robert plant meant.)

or maybe not so much rambling as sitting here staring at the monitor.
not a DAMN thing to say.
although i do seem to have a very specific handicap, concerning the shaving of my legs.
i am physically unable to get the hair off my knees.
it's weird.
and also annoying.

my kids are SUPPOSED to be napping.
but are they asleep?
they are playing silly "make believe" games.
and i'm beginning to panic.
they have outgrown "the nap".
holy mother of moses!
I'm fuuuuuuuuucked.

more later. or not.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Saturday is a special day

according to some.

today was a great day, actually.
we took the kids to the waterpark again, and it was good.
i saw this woman.
she must have weighed close to 300 lbs...
but i swear to GOD, when i saw her, my first thought (you know that one that's more of a pre-thought, because you didn't really THINK it, it just sort of floated through your head and when you become aware of it you often discount it?) was this: i look just like that.
it was weird, and i sort of laughed over it.
but yeah.
i'm feeling like a lard ass lately.
ice cream sandwiches don't help.
neither do frozen mudslides...
i'm having one right now, in fact.
it's a pretty rate occasion that i A. drink at home and B. drink in front of my kids.
but, it's not like i'm getting sloshed, so what the hell.
i can be as white trash as the next guy--no problem.
heh. i rationalizing?
oh well.

we have central air but it has been sucking horse shit this year.
so we got a new cooling system today.
and it kicks ass.
it's fucking cold in here, mother fuckers.
oh yeah.
and it's 95 degrees outside.
so...stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
or whatever.
life is goooood.

and then i went to the gym.
but i thought maybe i would stop at the library on my way--
(first to pay off husband's debt for losing yet another book)
and to check out a book or two.
the sign said open, as i pulled in to park.
as i rounded the side of the building and approached the door...
"CLOSED" (you stupid fucking bitch, they may as well have added)
stupid small town.
libarary closes at 6???
oh well.
so the gym was good, at least.
minus theh pinched nerve/vein/something weird going on with my left pinky.
i'm thinking i MAY have strained it while drinking. i've covered before, i'm a pinky-sticker-outer-drinker.
but whatever happened, it was a bit inconvenient to lift weights with only one and half hands.
yeah, possibly.
loving my new harbinger workout gloves?
most definitely.
do you know how bad ass i feel now?
oh, so very.
should i stop asking questions and answering them sassily?
hell yeah.
will i?
okay, fine. i will.

i really need to invest in a soundproof room for this house.
i scream so loudly when we have sex that people call the cops to report a murder.
and i'm not talking next door neighbors--
i'm talking, people from HALFWAY ACROSS TOWN call in.
jesus H.
a gag, perhaps??

...and you thought i'd sunk to the lowest levels of saying inappropriate things.
as if.

i was flipping though the j. crew catalog.
and i was ogling the swimsuit models--
of course.
and i noticed something.
they were all really skinny.
shut up--that wasn't actually a shock.
...but the fact that they were ONLY skinny was kind of strange to notice.
as in--they had no muscle tone.
not one of those gorgeous girls had that little line on the bicep or a single ridge on her abs.
maybe i'm just stuck in a rut of "my way is best", but...
i sorta think that better role models for our young women would be a HEALTHY portrayl of a woman's physique.
i mean...
just plain NOT eating isn't really a good option.
eating healthily (most of the time) and getting regular exercise IS a really good option.
i don't know.
i just get frustrated that some girls aspire to be like that--those models are freaks.
the rest of us should just be happy.
do the healthy thing, but other than that, just feel sexy.
and you will be.
...well, most of you.
erm, well...on second thought, check with me.
i'll tell you where you stand.
ya fatty.

bon soir--

Friday, July 09, 2004

Fantasy Friday XXXIII

I really like this one.
(but watch out...)

I want to write about the day we spent together, you and I...
how it was raining outside, gray and cold.
...there was a fire in the hearth and we had a large bed with crisp sheets.
The outside world didn't matter.
Do you remember that day?
(...sometimes memories are of the future.)
and we woke up in the morning, the cloud-covered sun, not yet fully risen.
Darkness all around.
Your arm around me, your hand sliding from my shoulder to my breasts...
my nipples hardening at your touch, starting my body on its path to readiness for you.
Your hand moved further down and my legs stirred, involuntarily making way for you.
My eyelids fluttered open to the most perfect feeling of all--your presence.
I felt whole, I felt at peace.
Your lips on my neck made me shiver.
Your arms were around me, I turned into your embrace.
Our lips met and I felt a strange deja vu...
knowing I had always known you and I always would.
Feeling like the world began in that moment or might end in the next...
all of those thoughts swirling around in my just-woken brain,
I sighed and held you more tightly.
When my eyes found yours in the low light, you had a smile on your face...
I can see it clearly in my memory...
We laughed at each other's ridiculously cheesy grins and mine turned mischievous...
I slid down you, like a snake,
disappearing under the blanket and beginning my favorite part of foreplay.
Neither of us could stand the suspense for very long and you pulled me up by the hips, nearly growling with desire.
I was so wet for you that morning...
like all the mornings since...
you slid into place so easily--and with such force.
I am missing that feeling, right now, writing this...but I remember it.
I remember touching you, and tasting you.
I remember the way the light--gray and cold--grew, as we moved together through the morning.
We made love that day until noon.
And then I cooked you breakfast, naked.
As I stirred the eggs, you came up behind me, ready again--
and we fucked hard and fast on the kitchen table--so fast the eggs didn't even burn.
we ate in bed, laughing about something--nothing?
And the clouds cleared a bit outside.
We went for a walk, barefooted, in clothes which barely passed for real clothes...
we wandered, hand in hand, looking for a coffee shop.
We never found one, but when we got home we had forgotten why we left and were only thrilled to be alone again.
Our sparse clothes left us immediately upon entering the house and our bodies were once again a part of each other.
That's one of my favorite memories of you.
We made love on the stairs, in the bath, and under a table.
We fucked on the couch, in the hallway, and in the car--
(we had run out of food, I think and needed to go to the store).
If I only had one day to relive, over and over, it would be that one.
Your body and mine.
Your eyes, your smile, your mouth...your words, your soul.
Don't forget that day...if it ever comes.

(I am uncharcteristically impressed with myself over that one, hope you all enjoyed it...have a happy weekend!!)

Thursday, July 08, 2004

if you could tell me what day it is, that would be swell

...cuz i have NO IDEA.
it sorta feels like tuesday-wednesday-thursday-saturday...
but if i think really hard i could probably figure it out...
it's probably thursday?
yeah, it is.

i just remembered the sweetest little dream last night about my Dad.
apparently my subconcious still isn't over the fact that we weren't close when i was a kid.
deal with it, you friggin wuss.
serioiusly--my subconcious is a whiney little bitch.
i wish it would just grow up.
it was a nice little dream though.
lots of rowing in boats and laughing and hugging.

am i the first--no wait--LAST person to see "Matchstick Men"?
that was the best movie i've seen in a long time.
loved it.

gosh this is awkward.
i feel like i'm on a blind date or something.
just sitting at the restaurant--i'm picturing a booth, great ambience, low lighting.
...but i'm playing with a stack of coasters, feeling the silence stretch out around me.
YOU haven't said anything either.
in fact, you went so long without adding to the conversation that i began talking faster, rambling.
my face is considering turning red.
just then, an Elvis record drops into place inside the jukebox.
we both breathe a sigh of relief.
you smile and ask me to dance.
when you take my hand i forget my need to fill the air with words.

maybe i should stop attempting to fill this space with words right now?
when have i EVER been able to do such a thing???
i am wrapped up in the need to expell every last drop of rambling monologue from my head.
driven by it.

so, today i work.
and maybe i'll actually work today.
we took an hour lunch.
--and OH MY GOD.
it was one of those "everything's fresh made in front of you" mexican places.
my mouth was literally watering as i watched them prepare my burrito.
in fact, it was huge and i had half left, which is in the fridge at work.
and my mouth is officially watering again.
and i have to go.
to the office.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

do you know what i think?

well, chances are...
if you've been here more than once--
you DO know what i think....
but that's not the point.
and, as usual, i don't know what the point IS.

here we are.
just you and me.
alone in this little white window.
what should we do?
what will we say?
can i touch you?
YES, there....
so smooth.
can i lick you?
will you touch me?, HERE....
yeah, just like that.
no one else needs to know.
our little secret, baby.

i don't know.
sometimes, i feel like i am the queen of this whole damn world.
all of it.
pole to pole.
totally did NOT intend that pun.
but i FUCKING love it.
where was I??
oh yeah.
queen of the world, etc.
but other times...
other times...
i feel like...
the scullery maid of the world.
the traffic cop of the world.
the kitchen sink ("everything but--") of the world.
i wanted to be a goddess.
or at least a princess.
but nooooooooooo.
i had to be just a girl.
well, i'll be damned if i settle for that.
i want to be a 20-foot granite statue at the top of a pyramid.
with sapphire eyes and a gold plated snake coiled up my leg.
i want to be a sparkling fairy ice sculpture in a garden party.
i want to be cold marble, smooth and glossy, covering the floor of a museum--come lay on me and soak in the creations of a hundred years of tortured souls.
i want to have prayers said to me, and feel them in my soul and grant them without even a conscious awareness.
i want to float through the sky and feel the clouds swirling around me, cooling my skin.
i want to drown in a pile of rose petals, smelling each one as i crush it.
i want to roll down a grassy hill, naked, under a full moon.
i want to be 16 again--to spend one night with my best girlfriends, at the cabin, with the "party lights"....laughing til the sun came up.
i want to be 16 again--to spend one night with my first first love...

i have a lot of wants for one little girl, don't I?
i don't believe in not dreaming.
i don't believe in being satisfied, complacent.
i don't believe in organized fucking religion.
i don't believe in meteorology.
i don't believe in the boogie man.
i don't believe in letting my bush grow.
i don't believe in going to bed angry...or hungry...or unfucked.
i don't believe in being hurtful--on purpose or not.
i don't believe in santa claus.
i don't believe in not believing in YOU.
you are mine.
but yet...not.

Monday, July 05, 2004

scooby doo and tigger too

yeah, i suppose it should be "winnie the pooh and tigger too"
i think scooby doo and tigger would actually have a LOT more fun together.
the pot head dog and the speed freak cat?
OH yeah!!
that's a recipe for a good time.

you know how some days are just perfect?
well today was that.
i thought it was going to be a hot day.
but it wasn't.
it was really nice...
if there were any trees around here, i could have spent the day in a hammock, gladly.
with a book.
or a boy.
and a drink...
i'm thinking hard cider would be the perfect choice.
or hard lemonade.
or hard--
today was lovely, though.
family bbq went well, etc.

(oh and the fucking garbage truck DID come back. stupid neighbor.)

i feel like i have been really dropping the ball lately.
so i think i'll bend over...
(yes i'm wearing a short skirt, why do you ask?)
and pick it up.
(no, no panties, why do you ask?)
anyway...the ball...
i'm attempting to reaquire the ball.
no, i don't know what this means.
but i'll keep you posted.

i'm wondering if i'm the only one who is having strange Blogger issues this weekend.
every blogspot site i vist comes up as "site unavailable" until i refresh it a couple of times.
it's starting to get really damned annoying.

one week until VH1 launches "I love the 90s".
are you as excited as i am??
if not, why not?
that is the coolest stuff to watch at the gym.

I think i just might be killing myself (and all of you) softly with my words.
the boring quotient around here is suffocating me!
I am the boring housewife.
and i'm not even officially a housewife right now.
although this whole "working" thing is not only a ridiculous exercise in time wasting,
but is a short term venture...
so my identity is still "housewife".
but still.
what an inside out and upside down girl i am right now.

the circus.
i would like to join the circus.
i would like to be a high flyer--a trapeze artist.
i would like to tame lions.
i would not want to juggle or be silly.
...ride an elephant.

in just over 3 weeks i'll be home.
but it doesn't feel like home anymore.
that makes me feel displaced...
this stupid rotten no good place feels like home now.
fuckity fuck!
it's not exactly "no" good...
ah, hell--DON'T TELL ANYONE, but...
i kinda like it here.
our trip will be nice, though.
maybe i'll go stalk stephen king, just for the hell of it.
oh come on--not in a BAD way!!
not in a "binoculars and zoom lenses" way., "drive by his house really slowly and reach my hand out the window to try to grasp some of his creative energy" way....

and also--
i'm extremely displeased with all of you who DIDN'T LEAVE ME A SINGLE COMMENT on my last post.
go fuck yourselves.

sometimes writing a post feels....

like a chore.
sometimes it feels like bourbon over 4 ice cubes in a pretty glass.
sometimes if feels like shopping at a breezy, over-priced boutique.
sometimes it feels like having blood drawn, so they can find out what's wrong with you.
sometimes, writing a post is like eating german chocolate cake.
sometimes it's easy.
sometimes it's loud and chaotic around me and the words filter out through the mess.
sometimes it feels like sipping chicken soup from a large ceramic bowl.
sometimes it feels like lying in a hammock listening to leaves rustling.
sometimes i sleep late.

I awoke very disoriented today, 7:30ish.
partly because i stayed up too late.
and partly because my husband's not working today.
but he went golfing at 6:30am so he wasn't in bed either.
and then the garbage truck went by.
but it's saturday...
shit, hell, piss, etc.
...I lie in bed for a moment, cursing--with a sigh.
then i decided to take the can out anyway in hopes of the garbage man being nice and coming back for it.
as i'm wheeling it out--
my neighbor hollers over "they already came by, Lisa"
(how the fuck do you know my name? we've spoken twice--who has a memory like that?? what are you stalking me??)
oh did they? (no shit, that's why i'm down here) well, sometimes they come back around, so i'll leave it anyway. thanks!
have i ever mentioned i'm ornery in the morning?

so then i checked my email and went back to bed.
having the craziest dreams i've had in a while.
including one where i was caught on film, by one of my best friends, taking my shirt off.
she was excited to show me the tape, but i was mortified, and ran from the room crying.
turns out, this tape had won me an invitation to dance with a prestigious company of dancers...???? (no, not strippers) and i began to consider this offer...even my mother and sister were on board, which is pretty much proof that i was dreaming (if the rest of it wasn't enough) because they are both PRUDES to the nth degree. anyway...the woman who would do my official audition walked past me on the stairs and said, "You don't look Latina." i stuttered a reply, not knowing what the "correct" answer was. then ended up in the bathroom...where there was a basket of designer t-shirts and another full of shoes. so, of course--i took some. feeling very sneaky and rather white-trashy. all the while wondering what in the bloody hell i was going to do when they found out i can't dance.


if you're ever out of psychedelic drugs, and in need of some--
just climb into my head.

today is a nice, hot day.
hopefully we'll go do something nice in the sun.
the mr.'ll be home momentarily and we'll make a plan.
i'm thinking...
day in the sun, evening out.
sun kissed skin is my best suit.
it makes me miss my natural hair color, though...
oh, i love the dark color, but when i'm natural...
the sun makes sweet love to my hair, too.
oh well.
i also wish it would GROW.
it used to grow very fast.
but i think coloring it has damaged it just enough to slow it down.

okay, i'm off.
hope you all had a fabulous holiday weekend.

I stepped on a tack.
god DAMN that hurts.
and i hopped around on one foot, until my husband got home so he could take it out for me.
he then reminded me that we have a family bbq at 4:30.
which is nice, but it sort of screws up my whole "today is a blank canvas" idea.
oh well.
i like family BBQs
especially when i get to make a potato salad to take.
(yes, i'm serious.)
that's all.
i will stop torturing you and go live my life.
or something.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Apparently I'm choosing to show my patriotism by posting a lot

what a dork i am.
it just so happens that there is nothing going on around here this weekend.
it's not ALL to be blamed on Utah.
just the luck of the draw, i suppose.
and i can't really complain, since we have a very active social life in general.
it's just strange.

yesterday was really nice, though.
after the waterpark, we sprawled around the living room playing Tetris.
(on the PS2, which seemed like a waste of technology.)
so nice to just chill sometimes...
then we went to the big fireworks display.
which kinda sucked, frankly.
but at least the kids had fun and behaved well.


i really thought i had something to say, when i logged in.
i really fucking did.
and now.
now, i have a child crawling ON me.
and i'm too hot.
and the step son just stormed through, asking a bunch of questions.
now i have a different twin crawling on me.
why do i bother??
i swear to god i had something to say.
oh, sure, it probably wasn't anything special.
but now i can most definitely NOT hear myself think.
wait...maybe i can.
there is a distant whispering...
she sounds desperate and frightened--angry.
she is crouched down in a dark place, with cobwebs...
she ignores everything and everyone...
but still they puncture her mind with their needs and wants and---
i need earplugs.
or a secret room, to hide in.
or a nanny.
or to stop trying to write.
i don't know...
sometimes i wonder if it's worth it.
but mostly i just need to find out.

we're going to do some of our own fireworks tonight, so that should be interesting.
we'll probably end up maiming ourselves.
which reminds me of one of the jerky boys calls that i loved...
and i don't feel like elaborating.
i don't feel like doing much, at the moment.
somehow it got really hot in here.
(and it really pisses me off that i can't say, "it's getting hot in here" without that DAMN song going through my head--and often, coming right out of my mouth. grrrr.)
the problem could be that i'm sitting on the couch,
holding my laptop...on my lap.
this little fucker puts out a lot of heat.

i am finally hooked up with free music downloads again.
and, of course, i can't think of a damn song i want.
and did i say, "free"? cuz that's not really what i meant.

well, cripes.
this is going nowhere fast.
or worse.
so i'll leave before i do any permanent damage.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

it's still not the 4th of July but everyone's pretending....

oh well.

we went to the water park today.
and discovered many things.
starting with:
I have PMS.
this revelation occured when i reached for my husband's hand in the car and he brushed it away and i burst into tears.
...he was reaching for his phone, to make a call.
it was NOT a subtextual comment on our relationship--past or future.
fucking hormones.
and yesterday...
husband was taking me to lunch, while we were at work.
we were approaching stopped traffic, at a red light.
a young woman was getting out of a car, and i said,
"damn! she's hot!" husband comes within a half inch of rear-ending someone as he stared.
and stared.
this pissed me off more than it should have, considering I pointed her out...
welcome to hormone hell...

so, back to the waterpark...
i discovered that lots of people wear bikinis who oughtn't.
i also discovered that there are more hot people of the female variety at waterparks then of the male variety.
...either that or i'm a raging lesbo, in denial.
but really, there just were NOT any guys to check out.
and i mentioned this to the husband.
then a few minutes later i said, "wow! i take that back..."
there was a young man in a speedo--who had a pretty decent body...for a girl...
(eek! again with the lesbianism--not that there's anything wrong with that)

hmmm...what else did i discover?
oh yeah!
that lying on a towel...
on that fake grass stuff like they have at mini golf courses...
with a pool filled with fake blondes and man-made waves...
the sun still has a soothing power.
a warming, healing, softening power.
to wash away the spasms of PMS.

and then i noticed.
that going down those twisty, fast slides is even more fun than it was when i was a kid.
but i'm still really afraid of hitting the water at the bottom too fast and going under and getting water up my nose.
i'm a dork.
i used to jump from 50 foot cliffs at the limestone quarries at home.
the one cliff had this shrub you kind of had to leap over...
they called it the "Barbara Bush Dive".
yes, this was that long ago...
anyway, the point is, i hated getting water up my nose then, too.
the difference is--now i don't giving a flying fuck about impressing anyone so i don't do stuff if it makes me a teensy bit uncomfortable.
getting older is awesome.
and i've decided i'm going to start saying i'm 30.
just for the hell of it.
and then, when it happens, it won't feel like a change.
i'm all sorts of sly like that...

oh and on the way home, we drove past Utah Lake (this is not even remotely ON the way home...but we were in search of the perfect hamburger joint...sadly they were all packed and we ended up going to McGagald's.)
uh...anyway. where the hell was i?
oh yeah.
the lake.
over near the far side there were two columns of smoke rising.
at first we thought it was a fire on land--summer is fire season here, and there are always fires on the western mountains, and the eastern ones, for that matter.
we began to wonder if the fires were ON the water because they didn't look like they were far enough west to be on land.
could have been two boats colliding, with the gas burning on the water.
it was kind of cool.
but i have no point, since i don't know what actually happened.
what a great story that was.


i'll leave you all to contemplate ways to silence me....

Happy 3rd of July

Is Utah the only place doing its fireworks dispalys on Saturday night???
the fucking THIRD of fucking July??
if this is a common occurence throughout the country, then i'll apologzie for the following outburst...
this place is just about more than i can take sometimes.
i'm ALL for religious freedom.
but quit fucking shoving your beliefs on the rest of us.

if you want to know the truth...
i don't really care.
just give me some fireworks, and tell me what day you're doing it.
i love fireworks...
at home...
we would sit in a boat, in the harbor and watch them...reflected in the water.
it was nice.
the pyrotechnics were less impressive than here, though...

as long as i'm just spouting off bits of truth--
here's another.
i am a 40 year old bald gay male.
have i tried this too many times before to fool any of you?
that's what i figured.
one of these days you'll believe me.

do you know what i think would be really cool?
if we could all hang out in one place for a weekend.
every blogger united.
it would be like Woodstock.
cuz...69 was too long ago and 99 was lame.
but 94....
i had a ticket to the damned thing and turned it down so i could work.
anyway, it would be like woodstock 94.
lots of drugs, lots of sex and LOTS of rock n roll.
there would be cake, too.
and wine., who's in?

well, it's a holiday weekend, so i'm sure no one else is blogging.
i'll be here.
i finally have my laptop back, too.
it has had several transplants, face lifts and transfusions, but it is back.
hallelujah praise the lord (that's what i call my husband--in bed, at least.)
he IS the god of my computer world, though, too.
he is omnipotent. (not to be confused with impotent. heee.)

it's quite possible i have reached a new level of psychotic rambling...
hope you enjoyed it--or were annoyed by it.
either way, i win.

happy fireworks and cook out day!!
god bless america.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Fantasy Friday XXXII

oh lord...
am i still doing this?

do i have any thoughts of a sexy nature left to share???
i suppose i probably do.
turn off tv.
deep breaths.

Ode to a future rock star...

i remember once...
driving through the blackest part of night.
the fog in patches, rendering the headlights useless.
the trees rustling in the slight breeze.
the smell of the ocean--everywhere.
your hand.
on my thigh.
the music--loud.
feeling complete...
and not having yet reached the realization that such feelings don't last.
--that such affairs are not meant to last.
the boy i happened across that summer.
i was ready for an adventure.
and looking for love in ALL the wrong places...

the thing i remember most about that night...
is you.
your skin...
so smooth.
your eyes...full of everything you saw in me.
the way it felt when you kissed me.
the desperate need i had for you to be mine.
...not knowing that you already were.
both of us stumbling through those weeks of stolen moments...
both of us aching for more time together.
knowing that we shouldn't be together at all.
each kiss, each fuck--so rare and precious.
each one presumed to be the last.
feeling like the first.
and more on fire than the sun...

i would build a thousand shrines to you, in my head, between the time i knew you and the time i saw you again.
and you...didn't forget one single moment of that summer.
even that foggy night...
as we headed for the beach.
i was driving, as always.
so soft and rough.
so tender and fierce.
unable to not make music along with the stereo...
the crunch of gravel under my tires.
the ticking of the cooling engine.
stepping into the cool embrace of the fog, hand in hand.
we laid the blanket on the sand.
i shivered.
you smiled and enveloped me, warming me.
your lips...
if ever there was a perfect pair of lips...
covering my neck with kisses, soft breath in my ear.
your hands knew me well by then--the summer was almost over.
my clothes fell away under your slightest movements...
my skin dampened by the misty air.
i smiled as you lowered me to the ground, wondering where your clothes were.
you pushed some curls back from my cheek and whispered three words, as you slid into place.
i caught my breath, then slowly let it out, fingers entwined in your beautiful hair.
i lifted my hips to you and wondered why i didn't return your pledge...
lost in a maze of sighs and skin i stopped wondering and only felt.
the cool fog evaporated around us, from the heat we produced.
rocking grooves into the sand.
grabbing handfuls of it, attempting to brace myself.
pulling you to me as our rhythm grew faster.
needing you more when we had finished than when we began...


that was fun...
but not steamy enough for a fantasy.
who wants more?
i can't hear you...
i said, WHO WANTS MORE???
(yes i'm pretending to be holding a microphone, addressing a large
let's see what i have in my bag of tricks for you truly dirty minded folks.


i awoke with a start.
i couldn't move...?
for a moment i panicked, feeling the ropes around my wrists and ankles.
and a scarf covering my eyes.
then i heard the most familiar voice of all--and smiled.
you're finally awake...good, those snores were beginning to break the mood...
he chuckled, and i felt the mattress sink a bit as he joined me.
i struggled against the silky ropes, playing my part.
he settled between my legs and used his favorite torture device--his mouth.
his hands under my ass, lifting me to him, like a slice of watermelon...licking, sucking...
my moans and breathing gave away any attempt i had made at feigning uncooperativeness.
he pushed me to the edge quickly, then kept me there...
drawing it out...
finally, mercifully giving me release, accompanied by my screams of ecstasy.
as i lay, momentarily spent, he untied the ropes at my feet, covering my body with his, he kissed me.
tasting myself on him, i murmured something about love.
he untied my hands and slipped off the blindfold.
we smiled at each other and i gently pushed on his chest.
he let me knock him over and slide into place.
my little cowgirl, he smiled as he reached up to gently touch a breast...
giddyup, i said, snidely, putting my right leg over his chest, and my left leg settling onto his left side...
his hands holding firmly to my hips
--as if i needed help sliding up and down, the muscles in my thighs rippling.
i was just getting lost in the moment when he sat up, pushing me forward...
my face firmly planted, i was ready for the multiples he can't avoid giving me from there...
my death grip on the edge of the mattress gave me the leverage i needed to push back into him.
time to wake the neighbors...
as my last wail died out, we crumbled in a heap of sweat and heavy breathing,
both of us satisfied and smiling.


i guess i hit both extremes today...
sweet and skanky.
a good pair of book ends, i suppose.
hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend---
happy independence day, america!!

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Real Live Fortune From Real Live Fortune Cookie

(well...the fortune cookie wasn't ALIVE, but it was real...)


i think it means i'm a good liar.
or one of those folks who caught a fish this ----------------------> big....
something else more flattering, perhaps.

today, i wrote "dnif" instead of "find".
i backspaced and retyped before realizing how frigging cool that would have been.
damn me.
(to ever lasting hellfire and bad breath)

heard some songs on the radio while driving yesterday.
two particular ones moved me.
there was the line from the barenaked ladies song: try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn.
that sums it all up for me sometimes...
and then there was U2--With or Without You.
it made my heart do a strange little thing, i suppose it always has.
i really love U2, and i always forget how much until i hear a song on the radio.
then my heart feels happy...
also, i've been listening to old Metallica lately.
the Master of Puppets Cd, mostly.
i love them....

okay, one more little stupid tidbit.
yesterday morning i was lying in bed.
twin B crawls in with me and snuggles.
awww...i love that.
then a few minutes later...
twin A nose dives into, well, my nose.
he had tripped, and head-butted me, full force.
i heard a crack.
i heard a scream (me).
i thought he had broken my nose.
unfortunately not...
hey--i would never GET a nose job, but if i could...i wouldn't mind a little rearranging...
no such luck.

and that's all she wrote.
(which is one of the end of class phrases my jr. high algebra teacher used...oddly, one of the boys i was in love with during college had dated that man's daughter for all of high school. small world. meandering thoughts.)

dashing through the snow--

or at least my life.
yes, dashing through it.
i need to take a deep breath and slow down.

my friend called me while i was at the gym to say she's bored.
i'm glad that she's coming over, but now i have less time for my virtual life...
in other words: this is a good thing!!
i need to spend less time in this chair.

while i was driving home from the gym i had a thought...
something about...mary?
no, not mary.
something about...
feeling like i'm drowning in this life of mine.
suffocating from lack of space.
i like being alone.
and i keep forgetting to do it.
the problem with that is that i like people waaaaaay too much to be alone very often.
this is what being a gemini does to a soul.
having two opposite needs, two preclusive habits, two polar opinions...
oh wait--
maybe i'm just bi polar.
nah, i'm waaaay too stable for that.
hey--shut up--i am, too!!

i guess what i'm bitching about is this:
i want to have peace and quiet to write...and write and write and write.
until i'm GOOD.
i mean so good it'll make you sneeze.
or cough, or itch or scratch...
maybe laugh, maybe cry--definitely vomit.
i want to write something that makes me dizzy.
i want to write so many words that i see them around me, like the code on the matrix...
i want to fill my head with ideas and thoughts and feelings.
i'm pretty sure that "being a good wife and mother" does not co-exist with this little dream of mine.
fortunately, the family thing is more important and fulfilling...
for the most part.
i decided once, though, that i don't do well being "content"...
if i have no yearnings, no pinings, no unrequited anything--
then i'm depressed as hell.
mostly i have this balance worked out...
where i am madly in love with my husband, consumed by adoration for my kids, and generally aware that my life is too damn good to be true.
while concurrently letting my head meander through the world in a different direction--
it's cool.
sorta "Split Personalities for the Sane Person"...
but sometimes the balance shifts a little and i yearn a little too much.
for solitude.
and i feel guilty.

i'm a selfish bitch and everyone knows it.
i guess i should just quit fighting it.