Monday, August 25, 2008

Where am I??

...I'm pretty sure I'm in Maine.
But the thing is, my whole world has just flip-flopped so it's hard to remember if I'm where I wish I was or where I actually live...until I remember that I
FINALLY
live where I have wished to be for the last 12 years or so!
Bizarre.
But in a decidedly good way.

All my stuff has been crammed into a vast, but already semi-full, garage as well as into the front room/living room of the house.
We arrived Wednesday, all of us within hours of each other.
Love had driven the 40 hours in about 50--meaning he only slept about 10 hours in two solid days of driving--and the kids and I had taken a red eye...meaning we had not had much sleep ourselves.
So, Wednesday saw us going to bed early and leaving the truck in the driveway, virtually untouched.
Love had also transported my mama kitty (who was our new kitten just last fall!) and the kitten my boys had chosen from her litter--gotta post some pictures, those two are beautiful calicos who are as identical as my boys!
Haha!
Anyway...Thursday we acted like human vacuum cleaners and sucked all my stuff out of that truck and into the aforementioned garge and living room.
Late Thursday night we went to bed satisfied--the truck was empty!
Friday morning we packed the car and the kids and headed for a long weekend of intense fun with a bunch of friends.
Absolute best weekend on record.
Perfect weather, perfect waves, perfect rollercoasters, perfect water slides--perfectly behaved kids!
WHOA.

This week is school shopping and trying to get the house ready for my stuff to find permanent homes.
Next week school starts and we can finish sorting through the physical by products of the collision of our two worlds.

Meanwhile, we got a little more cycling gear so we're both raring to get back in the saddle and we feel compelled to get a little more use out of the kayaks before the season ends...
So how is it that I'm gaining weight????
Whatever.
Stress. I blame stress.
(unfortunately I also gain weight when I'm content, so I guess I should quit looking for a scapegoat and just eat less...)

That was all such a recap version...I feel like it's terribly incomplete.
Like, I didn't tell you that one of the boys got stuck in his seatbelt so I had to CUT IT OFF HIM...grrrr.....
He had been twisting himself around in it so it was his fault, but then the release mechanism wouldn't work, either, so it was the car's fault, too. Heh.
I've ordered a new one and it should be installed next Wednesday.
Made for an interesting roadtrip over the weekend, because of course it was one of the edge belts, not the middle one, so the two (teenage) kids in the regular backseat had to be smooshed right next to each other (my two were in the "way back").
I also didn't tell you about the ridiculous fight I had to get into with the Ex and how cruel his words are and how manipulative he is and how he always ends up getting his way.
But that's just dirty laundry or whatever so who cares?
I'll write more soon.
The best news is that my brother discovered I had a bad video card in my old computer and that is the only reason my monitor wasn't working AND that the computer itself kept shutting down!!!!
So!
I have MY computer back, along with my flatscreen!!
My desk is here, too.
Oh, god, oh god, I can't wait to have this house all set up!!!!!!

Ok, I'm off to do a little school shopping.
I hope the end of summer finds you all well and happy.
Since I'm sucking at this blogging thing, please do feel free to send me an email if you feel like it. (notsoluckystar AT gmail)
Hugs to you all.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

But I'm not leaving on a jet plane
My STUFF is all headed for Maine--
Gulp!!
I'm just a little freaked out here.
So excited, but also OMYGOD-OMYGOD!!
My Love is driving the truck and I will worry til we're all together again.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Rainy wedding day number 2

We are at the wedding of a friend of my Love's.
She sold him his house 3 years ago and
This is her 2nd marriage since then.

It is cold and rainy so their beach wedding morphed into a
covered-porch (overlooking the beach) wedding.
Bummer.

I am bored because I don't know anyone here and I am freezing because
I have on strappy heels, a long sexy skirt and the heaviest jacket I
could find which is only a light fleece.
My fingers are growing numb.
I guess the more important issue is that I hope it's not a bad omen
that it rained on both of her wedding days...
It has set me to dreaming about my own wedding..
We are so in love it radiates off us--
I would venture to guess we overshadow the bride and groom.

*****that was yesterday****

We are taking the kids to Seussical the Musical and just waiting for
it to start.
Having so much fun this summer there's hardly time to pee, let alone blog!!!

Lighthouses and ferries-to-islands and beaches and hikes and kayaking!!
You would think, with a list like that, that I would have lost a bunch
of weight, right??
Well...it would sure help if we weren't ALSO eating copious gobs of
fried seafood!
I dunno, man.
I am also still riding my bike nearly every day, since the last time I
wrote and yet
And yet
Here I am, back in my "fat" clothes.
GrrrrrRrrrrrr!
Well...
At least I don't have to question whether my Love will still adore me
if I gain weight! Ha! Question answered.

We will leave in a few days to take my kids to visit their Dad in Utah
and to pack up my furniture and belongings for Love to drive across
the enormous bulk of this country.

He is my rock.
He makes me laugh and swoon and breathe easy.

The play's about to start...
Love and miss you all!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Monday, July 28, 2008

It's official!

I am officially moving!
It still sort of feels like a dream, or a non-reality at the very least.
But it is official.
I have notified the Ex,
I have bought return tickets,
I have reserved a portion of a semi from a handy-dandy moving company,
I have...I have...oh, shit, the trampoline! I hope it fits.
I have reserved a rental car for the week we are there, since my car is here
and the distance between there and here is...about 2700 miles which at these prices cost me about $700 in gas just to get out here and flying 3 people costs 800 so why not skip the 4 days of hellish torment, plus hotels and food which would drive the total past $1000 without any trouble??
That's what I thought.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
That was a mixture of relief and exhaustion, in case you're wondering.
This summer has flown by at mach speed and it's not getting any less busy anytime soon.
We have just over two weeks left until the week in Utah and then we'll have another 2 weeks until school starts but as we adults all know, that kinda time is going to pass in the slow blink of two happy eyes.

Happy...
That's an emotion I was pretty far out of touch with for a while.
But I've found it again and even if it is buried beneath a heap of stress and planning right now there is just nooooo frickin way that I'll be taking it for granted any time soon.
I have a second chance at happiness and I will not squander it.
I will not, I will not!

Hoe
Lee
Shit.

Maybe if I say it enough it will begin to sink in:
I am moving HOME.
I get to move home....
finally.
Oh, god, finally!
After all these years of aching for the ocean, yearning for a comprehensible social structure, keening for good seafood and hardworking people where the majority of the people aren't obsessed with appearances and my kids will not face ostracism just for our religious beliefs (or lack thereof...).
Praise jesus, I am HOME!!!

And with this return to New England comes my ability to be near family and friends again who once defined me--who helped shape the best parts of me--and maybe, just maybe, I will find myself again in their reflections.

I have so much to do it's not even funny...
I am so loved it's not even funny.
I am getting in shape again so fast it's not even funny.
And yet...I sure do seem to laugh a lot...hmm...funny.

***********
The sun setting over Megunticook Lake, the kids play with a ridiculously large amount of enthusiasm while J and I lie on towels and hash over our lives with equal zeal.




On my bike ride the other day, when I discovered a GIANT patch of raspberries, the picture of which has been accidentally deleted, but my kick ass helmet still deserves its moment in the sun:



At the end of the woods trail where I found the wild raspberries there is a wide, sloping hill I like to call, "Blueberry Fields Forever"...mostly because it borders an AWESOME, old cemetary....hehee...


I am now on my way out to go kayaking.
I have been biking 5-10 miles a day for the past week, minus one day wherein I hiked instead and one day on which it rained too much...I'm at 6 days out of the last 8.
WOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!
Damn, I love exercise!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Is July really almost over???

I have so much to say!
And for once…I believe I may have not only the time but the WORDS and a computer!
It’s not connected to the internet, but that is not a problem.
I just need the outlet; I’ll post it when I can.

It has turned muggy;
I guess summer has finally arrived.
I enjoyed the drier, cooler part of the summer up til now, but I’ll take the humidity.
It reminds me with every drop of condensation on my brow that I am
Home.
Home!
I have been struggling with what that means and I’m sure you’ll hear more about it over the next few months, but for now it means I am where I belong and
I am
with
the one I belong…with?
Eh, that was almost as bad as Mike Meyers saying, “Allow myself to introduce….myself?”
Whatevs. You get it.

My love and I were shopping with the boys, to spend some birthday money they had received, and we spent some time at a kitchen store that happened to have a toy section. There were several long shelves packed with model horses and fairies and dragons, etc.
I was giddy over them—overcome with childhood yearning for playing with such things.
I showed him the ones I liked best and giggled and said how much I would have loved them as a child—and that I would play with them Today if I had them.
Several days later, the conversation having been covered with layers and layers of words from our nearly constant stream of dialogue, I saw a bag in his truck from the kitchen store and offered to bring it in for him. I assumed he had gone back for one of the kitchen items we were so taken with but when I mentioned it he blushed a little and said, “I was going to wait for just the right time, but now this is just the right time!” He sprang from his chair and jogged out to the truck. I was curious, but still had no inkling. He began to unroll some tissue paper and out came the Pegasus! I melted. He had remembered well; there were also the male and female fairies that I have named after us, he atop a brown (anatomically correct) stallion and she atop a white unicorn with a dusting of glitter in mane and tail. I can’t stop smiling, even now. And yes, I played with them. They are inspiring to my child’s mind and I will report on their adventures as they happen…



Speaking of adventures, there have been so many since I’ve been here!
Even some of the ones I’ve reported on have been poorly represented because of the inability of my blackberry’s keyboard to accommodate the speed of my thoughts connecting with my fingers.

I have lost more than a few cool ideas for lack of ability to record them, but I’ll do better.
I must remember that I suck like a toothless whore at saving thoughts for later retrieval; poetry is ephemeral.
So far, my Mexican Synthroid seems to be working like the usual, but who knows.
We have been swimming and sailing and kayaking and motorcycling.

We have been eating lobster like kings.
We have been so busy that I would not have had time to blog even if I would’ve had a computer.
I bought a bike yesterday.
Haven’t had one in years!
Am soooo excited to ride it.
(today I bought an ass-lovin' gel seat and a high-quality helmet, after going for my first ass-kickin' ride...ugh...someone got SOOO out of shape!!)

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with navigation.
Odd, since this is where I grew up!
I have a couple of really good excuses for this, however…
First, my home base is slightly askew of where it always has been.
Only a few miles but just enough to really fuck with my head when I’m trying to figure out the quickest route somewhere.
Remember my post about Maine having no straight lines?
Well it’s true.
So I don’t know where I am in relation to where my parents are, as far as North, South, etc., but I always feel like I’m further from town and I’m actually closer to a lot of things.
Very unbalancing.
So I was juuust getting the routes down, when the lovely construction force decided to close down the road I live on.
This road is right off Rt. 1, which is a main thoroughfare.
And now we have to add about 8 miles to every roundtrip we take from here…damn gas prices…AND it brings back in full force the question of “which way’s fastest??”
This road will be closed until November, as they are constructing a whole new bridge.
Feck.
The next problem is that some of the places we go are very obscure and require several turns into places previously uncharted by me at all—and Love takes a different route every time.
Oh well.
I successfully maneuvered to and from his friend’s house yesterday by myself—in from one side of the “mountain” and out another side.
…yes mountain must be in quotes because I’ve just left the Rockies.
Puh-leeez.
These mountains are so old they’re barely even here anymore.
But they sure are beautiful—all green and rolling, like laughter incarnate.

We found a good beach for starfish.

I am going to go shower now and then see if I can’t write me up a good ole press release for my honey.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Beautiful Day!

It is Sunday and there is a cool breeze swirling through this sunshine!
I am at peace with my world.
It isn't always easy to find peace, even with my Soul Mate at my side--
big decisions, big plans, big changes.

I miss this daily outlet so much.

I have a beautiful little paper journal that I've been using a bit, as the thoughts break the dam and must be let through.
A gift from my Love.
And I just opened it to find a few passages I wrote so that I could share them here, and found the following smile-maker:
"Just so you know,
I don't read anything in here. I just flip up to a random blank page and leave a little note to let you know I love you so much.
Kisses.
7-8-2008"

I am writing right now on someone else's laptop, which has a broken monitor requiring me to turn my head sharply to the right in order to have my eyes on these words I type.
I continually drag my lower thumb across the mouse pad and fuck with my cursor position.
Siiiiiiigh.
Maybe I will not take for granted a conveniently working computer again.
And maybe that means that when I do have a working machine, in a comfortable setup,
that I will write.
And write and write and write.
Maybe.

Ok, here's what I scribbled on 7-7-08
I must write because the words are now ripe, raw, READY--
they have been fermenting, aging, but now it is time for them to be
expunged
expelled
expatriated--
these words that have lived their quiet lives (so far) inside my head are ready to find a new home and live on in print as foreigners in a foreign land--letters in this digital world

Eh.
It could use some p;olish, but then so could be typing skills

I can't take this keyboard anymore.
i have stuff to say but this is pissing me off which makes it hgihly unrelazxing.
feck.

at least i had a flying dream last night

Twinners' birthday tomorrow.
8, if you can believe it!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Crescent Beach

Sea breezes and solitude.
Could only be better if my Love were here, but
Oddly enough,
I'm just as happy to know that he is spending some quality time with
one of his boys.
"Solitude" refers to the fact that there is only one other small group
on this tiny moon-shaped beach and they are at the other end.

We passed my elementary school on the way here and I saw the tall row
of trees we planted on Arbor day 23 years ago.
Fuckin sweet!

********later

We stopped at that L shaped row of trees on the way back and I hugged
the one I think was mine. How 'bout that fer tarded??

I poured all my fears into a rock and thre it into the sea.

And have I mentioned the birds?
No, not the one that pooped on Shar the other day.
But the ones surrounding this beautiful house.
They sing to me in the cool, misty mornngs
And in the warm, breezy evenings.

Tonight?
Girls Night.
Will I wish for my sweet one the whole time?
Well, YEAH, duuuuuh.
But I will also just drink and laugh with a couple of great friends.
Oh, that reminds me!
Gotta call a couple more.

Adios, amiogs(is it the same plural??)

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Crescent Beach

Sea breezes and solitude.
Could only be better if my Love were here, but
Oddly enough,
I'm just as happy to know that he is spending some quality time with
one of his boys.
"Solitude" refers to the fact that there is only one other small group
on this tiny moon-shaped beach and they are at the other end.

We passed my elementary school on the way here and I saw the tall row
of trees we planted on Arbor day 23 years ago.
Fuckin sweet!

********later

We stopped at that L shaped row of trees on the way back and I hugged
the one I think was mine. How 'bout that fer tarded??

I poured all my fears into a rock and thre it into the sea.

And have I mentioned the birds?
No, not the one that pooped on Shar the other day.
But the ones surrounding this beautiful house.
They sing to me in the cool, misty mornngs
And in the warm, breezy evenings.

Tonight?
Girls Night.
Will I wish for my sweet one the whole time?
Well, YEAH, duuuuuh.
But I will also just drink and laugh with a couple of great friends.
Oh, that reminds me!
Gotta call a couple more.

Adios, amiogs(is it the same plural??)

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Rats!

So much for having my computer accessible again!
2 hours I spent on my laptop yesterday and now the power cord doesn't
charge it.
Does this mean I am destined to lose my mind, slowly and steadily?
I need an outlet for the thoughts scorching their jumb led messages
into the backs of my eyeballs but
Writing on my Blackberry I'd slower than writing with a pen and paper.
I have a warranty so I will check into that.
But I kinda wanna cry.

Other than that I'm blissfully happy.

It's going to be hot and sticky again today.
Sounds like a day for Lucia!

We have a very long list of Crap We Must Remember To Do but we are
utterly distractable.

I am getting more out of shape by the second.
Pissing me off
Must find a routine of some kind in all this happy chaos.
With routine there is time for working out.

Have a very great day.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Monday, July 07, 2008

Thoughts in shards

Because there is so much going on around me!
I love it, but...
I do like some peace and quiet from time to time.
Ok, more like I like some peace and quiet every single day.

I can't think clearly with so much going on.
It is a hot day here and I feel lethargic with all of the Nothing I've been doing.
I got my suitcases unpacked and loaded into the wonderful space that my Darlin' cleared out of his huge closet for me.
And I sorta got caught up on email...no, not really.
I just wrote a brief summary of our reunion to a girl who didn't go.
Saturday night was the 15th reunion for my high school class.
It was cool.
I have thoughts, but they are disconnected from my fingers right now.
More later.

I better just go cook dinner...or go to the store and buy something to cook for my giant family (ok, not so giant: 4 kids and a guest plus Love and I).
It's hot out.
Maybe just watermelon.
Mmmmmm...
Or a nap.
I have awesome pictures, too, and plan to do some hardcore writing this week, so stay tuned......

Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy indy-pendence day!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Pearl Jam in Boston

I knw you can't see a thing in the picture
But
Here I am!
Getting a contact high and groping my True Love

Eddie Vedder is
The
Man.
Also, these guys know how to play th'rock music.
Hell yes.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Life is exquisite

I found him!
I know, I know, you're probably getting sick of hearing it.
But tough shit,
Cuz I am nowhere near done swooning over this perfection.
This man is so gentle and so full of love and goodness and patience???
He's got patience IN SPADES!!!!
Oh and also, check out Frisky Dingo on itunes.
It will be worth your time.
It's a cartoon from Adult Swim and we can't stop quoting it...

So last night my kids stayed home with grampa so we could catch up
with a variety of old friends and jam out to an amazing band.
And my hormones are behaving again...
(Don't ask.)
And my sweet little boys are here!!!!!!!!
And life is just truly exquisite.
I wasn't kidding.
Nor was I exaggerating.
Blissful as hell, so to speak...hehehe...
Blissful as heaven, more like. Wink.

Oh, also, I may have permantly injured myself from headbanging last night.
And I will go see the same band again if given the chance!!!!

Happy Summer Solstice, loves!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Kittens!!!!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On the road again

It's been a high mileage week but thank the gods of oil they've mostly
been on the bike and today's run is on a school bus full of middle
schoolers!
It is kinda weird to be on a bus, but we're headed for Fun Town
(Which can be taken both literally and figuratively) so it's well
worth the bumpy ride and crappy seats.
Or it WOULD be...if I didn't habe to pee so bad!
Haha!
Damn and curse my bladder.

It's so great to be in Maine.

We took the bike down to Portland (60 miles but 1.5 hours) to have
dinner with a friend and then we decided to stay the night in
Freeport.
We used the blackberry LiveSearch feature to find a B&B.
It was comfortable and lovely but I had heartburn and didn't have my
trusty Tums so I didn't really sleep well.
And then I woke up with either a stomache flu or the demon responsible
for the heartburn rearing its ugly head.
Laaaaaame.
Still managed to enjoy my blueberry pancakes and the long, slow ride
back up the coast.
We detoured at Damariscotta and swept over to Pemaquid Point Lighthouse.
(Will add pix later)
Got home and slept off the stomache malady while my baby cooked dinner
for the kids and my Dad.
My mom works at the State Park during the summer but there are always
a few weeks that overlap before school gets out where she is working
two full time jobs so my Dad is on his own.
That is just the type of thing I'm looking forward to if I live here!
So we had a delicious dinner and played a fun board game and went to bed early.
Life is so far beyond good.

The best part?
My kids will be getting on that airplane on Monday and we will all be together!
Not to mention my darling, amazing, life-saving (in every way) friend
will be arriving with them.
Hooray!
We will have a marvelous summer.

I have been trying to leave comments but haloscan seems to be
incompatible with my blackberry...chink in armor...sniff...

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Beauty is in the eye of the key-holder...

He's perfect, they said.
He's perfect , I said.
In so many ways and
so perfect for me.

He's perfect, I said
with a smile thin as crepe.

I'm not, I whispered in the dark of the night.
I'm not, I feared to the listening walls.

And we all know the fate of the god-loving mortal
And we all know that they are a whole 'nother species

So I searched for his faults and I tallied them up,
and then I felt better...but just for a bit
because, why would I want to date someone so flawed...?

******

Just a little poem that came to me as I dried off from my morning shower.
It made us giggle.
I read it to him and we agreed that it would be a silly thing to read during the toasting portion of our wedding.
That we'll have on 10-10-10, for anyone interested in coming.

******

There is so much to say.....
but I'll start with the motorcycle stories.
A couple of nights ago it was the end of a hot day, begun with a long walk/jog across these winding roads--
which reminds me of the poem that came to me while riding the next day,
but I'll get to that in a minute.
And now I've ruined the surprise because in the next part of the story you will be given the chance to wonder if I survived my first ride...
(ok, so it's hardly a surprise that I did; I AM writing this, aren't I?? ...unless it's my ghost...woooooooo....ooooo....ha.)

So the night was warm and thickly dark around us,
so much humidity that fog was imminent and was felt before it was seen.
The bike purred, a crotch rocket engine with a more upright-riding position...don't ask me what type it was; it's a Bandit, that's all I know.
So we geared up--
helmet fittings and jacket try-ons.
I scored a snug helmet and the use of his best (armored) jacket.
I giggled with glee to be clinging to the back of my Truest Love aboard a machine that is my truest love.
I wrapped my arms around him, legs pressed close around his hips.
The first ten seconds were coooool, man.
And then he opened up the throttle like a drunk opens a bottle of whiskey on his way out of jail.
We found the spot on the speedometer with a 1, 2, and 0 next to it.
I hardly had time to notice the silly numbers
I was so focused on winning the wrestling match with the wind.
The wind, tearing me from my love.
The wind, ripping angrily at me, possessively--
this bike, this man...they are mine.
My tiny fingers dug holes in the leather of his jacket and every muscle in my body yearned to be one with the body in front of me.
He did that several other times on our 20 mile run.
By the end I was whimpering, shaking.
Ok, by the beginning I was whimpering, "No, no, no..."
And I know it's silly, but I found myself praying to my motorcycle-slain bro-in-law to save me.
Apparently he did.
Heh.
We got off the bike and all I could think was, "If I tell him how scared I was he won't think I'm cool, he won't want to take me for more rides."
But, ya know.
He's my True Love and that means he only needed one look at my face and he held me and promised not to go so fast with me on back ever again.
The sweet Boy Next Door in him said in a shrugging way, "Yeah, that was more for me than you anyway."

So yesterday we needed to go return a camera to his friend out in the boondocks
(and that's saying a LOT because this is Maine...everything is sort of boondocky, even the state capital) and he suggested we take the bike.
After requesting his promise not to try to kill me again, we geared up and set off.
Best.
Day.
Of my life.
(this week, so far)
Seriously, it was gorgeous.
And he didn't fly off in record time again, although we did technically go "too" fast at times.
Any bikers out there may not be surprised to hear me say it was like meditation.
Head clearing, mind soothing.
It was beautiful.
A gorgeous day, my love wrapped up in my limbs.
Mmmm.
The friend's house had a wide, clear pond and I wandered over to it.
There were giant tadpoles and teensy tadpoles


and luscious green frogs, sparkling and pulsing in the sunshine.


As we wended our way through the undulating hills of inland Maine
(so sturdy in its marked lack of lace-like inlets, tidal rivers, and rocky beaches)
we both drank in the sights.
Meadows and green, hilly vistas!
There were some men sawing through trees
and the smell reached me on delay as we sped past--
pine and raw, still-breathing wood!!
I shudder in delight just remembering it!
There were lakes and ponds and rivers and hardly any cars.
It was inland, after all.
Tiny little General Stores and the man stroking smoothly through that lake across the street.
Ramshackle barns against horizons of green rolling meadows,
blue sky licking down between the cleavage of gentle hills.
Nature's Masterpiece, I tell ya!
And then we roared into the parking lot at the Harley shop and my panties REALLY got wet!
Walking reverently through the showroom,
a finger trailing over a smooth leather seat,
a cheek pressed lovingly to the cold gas tank
as I bend toward the handlbars.
The "Small World"ness of this place gave me a smile as we chatted with another biker who heard where we lived and tossed out a name and I bit--
my friend's friend! And he knew my friend, too; I knew he would because they all ride together.
Then off to lunch (I was growing lightheaded, so I tore myself away) and
on to the Suzuki showroom.
They also had a bunch of used bikes of other brands--
a fucking GREAT 2007 Honda Shadow for way less green than I would have thought...
and even a Harley for less than I expected but Honey says it's too whimpy and that they are overpriced.
I am JONESING to a. be back out there riding and b. learn to DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

A beautiful day, then home for a shower and into summer clothes for an evening on a docked schooner, a Chamber of Commerce networking opportunity for some, a gorgeous end to the day for all:



Ok, I'm off to pick up some groceries for this Bachelor Pad Extraordinaire.
Sweet One will have a phone interview for a job and then we will head down to Portland for dinner with a comedian friend of mine and apres drinks with a high school friend.

Here is the aforementioned Poem From the Road:

There are no straight lines in Maine--
except the trunks of the mighty pine forests.
The rock walls are tired, having given in to gravity.
The roads wind and wiggle, bend and sway,
dancing their way through the countryside.
The towns are a clumsy handful, a jumbled arrangement of odd-shaped stones
(like the ones lining the narrow beach of Crockett's Cove).
The horizon is jagged, encroached on by pines.
And the shoreline is ever-surging inland--
the ocean taking shark bites out of the landscape.
I just left the land of straight lines
and linear, inside-the-box thinking--
rules and restrictions,
of new construction is the only home to buy,
and towns lined up neatly along the freeway like polished little school children on picture day.
Straight lines do not exist in Maine.
And that feels just right.

Monday, June 09, 2008

My Beach!

Owl's Head Maine
Mine.
Wish you were all here!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

HOME!!!!!!

We made it home today in record time--
Which sorta blows my mind, considering we spent all evening in NYC traffic.
But here we are.
Home, home, home.

Today was the best day of the trip because it was the Last!
Ha!
We had a really great time, but it's kinda brutal to drive that many
hours and miles under the best of circumstances and, frankly, there's
a hell of a lot of stress churning through my life at this particular
moment.

I got word from my awesome SIL that my kitty had her babies tonight--
FIVE.
She had 5!
So much for my,"It's her first litter so it'll be small" rationale.
Siiiiigh.

Ok. My love has finished brushing his teeth. So that means good night to YOU!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Friday, June 06, 2008

More mobility for your enjoyment

...Or for mine, more specifically!
This mobile blogging thing kinda rocks as hard as
As hard as...
Thinder rolling through a confined space.
Yeah, something like that.
Ms. Orange asked how I was doing this so I shall tell you.
There are 2 main ways with blogger.
First, you can look in settings and find your specific email address
(which you'll have to set up if you haven't already done so) and then
you just email posts in from your (my) handy dandy Blackberry Curve.
Another way is that you can send a text or email from most any phone
to go@blogger.com and then log in to your blogger blog for
instructions on how to proceed.
So....
Yeah.
I'm sure that was fascinating.
I hope it answered the question.

It is very muggy here in Maryland and it makes my curly hair as kinky
as my bedroom hit list!
Snort--
Actually, I'm pretty average these days but that's the way I like it.
My dance partner rocks my socks off when he gets my rocks off (ha!)
But I don't feel like I'm in vixen mode at all.
We are so connected...and it's just really nice to not feel like I am
valued only for my Skillz.
Of which I have many.
So I've heard.

Wow.
That was quite a tangent.
The point is, it's hot and sticky in this place. I'm having fun but
look forward to getting to maine and especially to the arrival of my
kids.
I am tired.

Going to DC tomorrow to museum it up.
Two cutest nephews in the world.
I defy you to out cute these guys!
Oh, also--
Current status of me being right to boyfriend being right?
2-0

Huzzzah!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Bloggin' my way across the USA--

Well...
not exactly.
See, if I was actually blogging my way, I would have written something before NOW.
Now?
I am almost there.
But Sunday I left Utah and yesterday I arrived in Pittsburgh.
Tomorrow we'll jog over to Maryland and spend some time with my sister and her family,
and then we'll pop over to Upstate New York to see another friend of My Love's and then we'll get to his house by Tuesday at the latest (because he has a friend whose daughter is graduating high school and it is super important to him to be there).

So.......
I have been in a blogging frame of mind as we've driven these 30 hours,
but my new and faaaaabulous Blackberry is tied to a new blog because I'm toying with the idea of Starting Fresh, but as you all may have noticed, I have very little actual interest in leaving this blog.
Anywho.
I will have to rearrange things (if I can) so that I can mobile blog to this dot com.
Because may I just say...
this whole Blackberry thing rocks
my
world.
I am glad I didn't have it a few years ago when I was hardcore addicted to blogging.
It would have been dangerous.
Having constant access to the web is fun and useful but not advised for people with a $500 a day blogging habit.
(ok, we all know blogging doesn't cost money, but I had to make it sound severe and drug-like...I think I did it.)

Alright, when last you saw our heroine, she was returning from the cruise and breathlessly awaiting the arrival of her Knight in Shining Armor.
And since I refuse to write this in third person, we are now switching back to first.
Deal?
Deal.
Ok.
So he arrived on schedule and my cleavage and I met him at the bottom of the escalator and frankly we both nearly wept with relief.
It is just not Right for us to be apart.
It is as though the entire universe bends under the pressure of our separation.
The universe is rent as it attempts to wrap itself around the empty spaces we each should occupy until we finally do.
We hugged and hugged and drank each other in and finally
the darkness of our parting had been dissipated by the light of our reunion.
...wow, that was cheesy.
Sorry, that's just how it was.

So we spent the next few days wallowing in the happiness of being together again and playing with my kids and almost preparing for the drive.
Then on Saturday morning we took the kids to my FAVORITE hike in northern utah.
Actually, the kids and I took Him--
they have been to the hot springs with me 3 times now.
And on our last visit, a few weeks ago, we crossed this bridge riddled with declarations of love and other such carved graffiti and I thought, “Hm. I wish I had something sharp.”
As we walked along, there on the path was a pair of tweezers.
I pocketed those fuckers and on the way back I left a message for my love--
Lisa (heart)s Michael 4Ever
Hehehe...
He loved it.
The hike was beautiful and the kids were happy and chatty,
floating easily back and forth between the two of us.
The hot springs were swarmed with parents and young children,
which was completely out of the ordinary.
Odd.
And when we returned from the hike it was time to throw everything in the car and go to the awesome park and have a picnic dinner with my brothers and their families.
This was the first time most of them had met him and it went spectacularly.
They all really liked him and he, days later, is still talking about how incredible they are.
Dream come true.

So, after the dinner we took the kids to their dad's house and dropped them off then went home and CRASHED.
We are not as young as we used to be.
Heh.

So then on Sunday we were going to throw the stuff in the car and be out of there by noon.
Well....
I have a pregnant kitty who needed to be delivered to my brother's house because his animal loving wife had volunteered to keep her for the summer.
But I started feeling guilty about leaving her so we wasted a good couple of hours buying a carrier and special litter box and arranging the car around her stuff only to realize we were foolish to attempt a week-long road trip with a pregnant cat.
Sooooo........
we left at 4pm.
And did not make very much progress that first day.
I think we got to...
Ogalalla, Nebraska.
About 3am.
Got a few hours of sleep and hit the road again.
It was a few hours into that next day of driving that we discovered that the luggage rack on top was killing our gas economy, just as we had predicted.
But...
we were in the middle of cornfield nowhere and had only 30 miles left til an empty tank.
We were probably within 5 miles of running out of gas when we found a place, on a hunch.
After we filled up I bought a couple of scratch tickets because, hey, they have them here!
(not in Utah—oh, and we also bought a few cool fireworks in Wyoming, cuz we don't have those in Utah either)/
My tickets were tiny winners
(as opposed to tiny weiners)
and I ended up with $10 more than I started with.
So that was cool.
Paid for 2.5 gallons of gas.
Rock.
4 damn dollars a gallon.
Psh.

We stopped to pee once because there was a sign...but then the gas station was deserted and had a "No Trespassing" sign on the gate across the entrance, so we obliged.
We still needed to pee and this place was across the street:

It looked like a welcoming place to pee...
and become infected with tetanus.


Ok, so then after almost 1000 miles without seeing a single law enforcement vehicle we saw one.
And then just a few more miles and I was going 81 in a 75 and the sweetest cop ever pulled me over and gave me just a warning.
Yay!

We slept the second night (from 4-9 am) in a town called...Shipshewana (I think) in...Michigan?
And then rolled into Pittsburgh around 5pm yesterday.
We were immediately assaulted by the two cutest, most excited little girls I've seen this month.
Ha. But seriously, super cute and ridiculously excited.
My love happens to be their faaaavorite “uncle” and their Mom is in a Reserve unit that was activated 6 months ago or so and they were in severe need of some extra attention.
Their Dad is one of my love's closest friends from the Navy days.
And their brother is 18 months old and FREAKIN ADORABLE.
So we've had fun here and will be hitting the road in the morning.
More adorable children to see!
My nephews are so awesome; can't wait.
And my sister is making crab cakes—yummmm!

Hm.
I think that brings us up to speed, only the problem with this whole “not blogging” thing is that there are tons of awesome little stories that I must leave out due to the ridiculous lengthiness of my post.

A few highlights:
A chain of gas stations through the central time zone
(whose ass we kicked, by the way—crossed that fucker in one day's driving. Huzzah!)
called, “Kum and Go”.
No lie.
Sounds like a bodily fluid extravaganza, no?


And then here in Pittsburgh there is a building called
the Frick Building....
hehehee....snicker...snort....
I wonder what they do there?


Good lord.
I really need to be doing this every day again.
It feels sooooo good!

Ok.
Hope you're all well.
I miss you.

pittsburgh is coooool

But I will blog properly from my computer. Just testing out the blackberry's blogging capabilities.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I'm neither here nor there--

as far as I can tell.

Got home late last night from The Cruise,
will be leaving Sunday for The Road Trip.

The cruise was great--
the kids behaved themselves amazingly well,
the food was good but I didn't gain a single pound,
and My True Love will be here, IN MY ARMS, in 6 hours!
How much better could life get???

So we left Wednesday night
(as soon as Idol announced the winner--and thank god the right David won, or that road trip woulda been depressing)
with the kids tucked into the way back with blankies and pillows and DVD player,
And M tucked into the backseat, surrounded by luggage and snacks, with Me taking the first leg of driving and S in the passenger seat.
We talked and talked and the kids were great and then we listened to this INCREDIBLE audio book about going with the flow of the universe and the roads were slick from rain and the night was heavily dark, but inside the car there was laughter, love, and light.
When S took over driving I dozed a bit and then we pulled over in the desert of California, somewhere near where Barstow would be if it was real (I'm pretty sure it's not).
We tried to sleep but the kids were too giggly so I drove us on into San Diego.
Our mapquested directions delivered us painlessly to the cruise ship port which,
much to the delight of the kids,
was docked RIGHT
NEXT
TO
an aircraft carrier!!!!
Not only that, but it was serving as a museum and they got to go through it!!!
the looks on their faces at the sight of that thing were absolutely priceless.
You'd think they had won the lottery.
They had, in their world.
It was friggin awesome.
So we had some breakfast and got on board the ship and we were all ridiculously overtired but excited.
The beds were deliciously comfortable and the cold, windy, cloudy day stayed outside while we all caught up on our sleep a bit.
We awoke to seasickness and scrambled to put little patches behind everyone's ears--
which were life savers, but didn't kick in until the next morning.
None of us had expected to be seasick so we didn't put them on ahead of time, but the ocean was rather rough and the boat was a smaller one than our experienced cruiser had been on so there ya go.
Anyway, the weather stayed cold the whole time, so we didn't ever go swimming, and all the sundresses and tank tops seemed a little out of place.
The kids didn't really take a cotton to the Kids Camp thingy, either, so we spent a lot of time watching movies in the cabin, but it was all fun, even if it wasn't quite what I expected.
And then.
We got off the boat and we were in
MEXICO!!!!
I have never been to Mexico.
Canada yes, but never Mexico.
(I have also been to France, but that is the extent of my world travel. heh)
We were assailed by all the many street vendors and the sun was shining and our sunscreen was patchily applied, so off we went!
We walked through the coolish-warmish (perfect) sunshine to the quietest spot on the beach and had a grand ole time!
S was courted quite relentlessly by a young man who promised to take her to Love Island...heh.
I found a tequila shop and bought a couple of bottles, as well as a large bottle of vanilla.
I have funnier stories, but sadly they are not available for public consumption.
The rest of the cruise was spent eating and napping and then we drove home.
The end.

Sheesh.
I really thought I had more stories!!
But I just guess I don't.
For a cruise with kids, it would have been nice to have some sunshine.
For a cruise with cold raininess it would have been nice to have a lover.
Oh well.
Oh yeah!
I did call my love at one point--ten minutes for $76, and I must say it was worth every penny!!!
Yes, I'm nuts.
Also, we picked up a ton of duty-free alcohol, which is extra silly because none of us drinks very often.
So now we're set for the next year.
Or two.

On the drive home one of my boys asked me what the brown lunch bags were for.
I explained that I had brought them along so we could pack sandwiches from the ship for our shore excursion because we had been told to be wary of the local food/drink situation.
So....
15 or 20 minutes later we stopped for gas and I went to the back to let the kids out and what did I find?
The entire contents of each of their backpacks arranged carefully into about 10 lunch bags!
It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.
They were VERY pleased with their work.

Let's see...what else?
I know we had lots of fun.
Oh yeah!!!!
I almost forgot the funniest part!
One afternoon one boy (O) was sleeping and the other boy (M) wanted to go with me to get some ice cream.
So, S joined us and we went for ice cream.
We were about to leave when we were accosted by a sheepish looking man.
He had a strange little proposition for us.
Apparently there were chicken fingers about to be set out at one end of the buffet, but they were only for the children (and as it turned out, they were only for children signed in to Kids Camp) and he was wondering if he could ask our son ("or nephew?" ..."Son.") to get him a plate full.
We laughed and agreed to this stealthy little manuever.
He insisted on giving my child $5 for his services, which I attempted to refuse, but M's eyes lit up and he took on the challenge like a PRO!
It turned out that we needed to sign him into the Kids Camp and then steal the plate from him and deliver it to the guy (and his boyfriend) who watched the whole thing with great amusement.
Hilarious!
M felt so proud and so grown up.
When his brother woke and joined the game M very quickly offered to share the loot with him and I was so very proud.
Those boys are so kind to each other--when they're not asserting dominance and testosterone-emergence by smacking each other randomly with brute force or tattling on each other to the extreme.

Anyway.
It was a fun trip.
Not sure that cruising is my thing.
I have always suspected that I prefer the destination to be the journey, at least as far as cruises go.
I would rather fly to Mexico and spend 4 days on the beach than travel there by boat, I think.
Unless it was sunny and warm...
Eh.
Whatever.
I got to go on a super fun vacation with my adorable kids and some great friends.
I shall not complain!!!

Tonight?
I'm GETTIN LAID, people!!
Woooot!
And even better than that, I'm getting hugged--
held tightly, and kissed softly.
I'm getting snuggled and adored and I can't wait!!!

Oh, there he is now, texting me...
au revoir, mes amies!
(don't know the spanish; back off)

P.S. I just remembered one of the other funny stories:
We pulled off the road somewhere in the desert so that we could attempt to sleep and I climbed in the way back with the kiddos and we all got settled in and then O said, "Hey Mom. If someone pulled over and looked in our car they would think there were a bunch of dead people in it!!"
And since he sounded so delighted the obvious response from me was, "Score!!"
Ha.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Morning Would

The roosters drew me to my window where I saw a pink and lavender sky,
smudgily covered with the pastels of a beginner art class.
I smile and remember aching for your first touch--
aching for your presence in my home, my bed.
I smile and prefer this dream to any cheap vision sleep could offer me.
...I love you.

What a lovely thought
Of visions and embracing.
Desire is a funny and wonderful thing
Something that can be felt
It has a physical component to it

My desire for you is an all consuming thing
It nourishes me
It fills me
It drives me
To you.


My desire for you is as vast as the ocean
but I wear it close, like a cloak--
lined with the satin of your love--
and I revel in the feel of it against my skin.

************

Those were my waking thoughts, sent to my love, and his reponse.
God bless the magical age of text messaging!!!!!

The kids and I (and two of my dearest girl friends) are heading out tomorrow night to drive to San Diego...
from which we will depart for a quick little 4 night cruise to Meh-hee-co!
I'm so friggin excited.
We found some super cheap tickets and just thought, what the hell, ya know?
I wanted to take the kids on a cool vacation for two purposes: to spend quality time together and to celebrate making it on our own.
They don't have to know about that second one. Hehe.

The day after we return from the cruise, my True Love will arrive and spend a few days with us before joining me for the drive to Maine--
ROAD TRIP!!!!!
It's something I've been wanting to do for, like, EVER and who better to do it with (heh-heh, i said "do it") than my best friend, true love?
And, just for anyone keeping score out there, or anyone wondering if I know what I'm talking about...well, I've certainly never dated anyone I could call a soul mate before.
Yes, I met him a bit sooner than I would have chosen--ink was barely dry on the divorce decree when our online flirtations took a serious turn.
Definitely not what I had in mind.
I figured a couple of years of dating adventures and THEN I would hope to find The One.
But I got lucky.
I got extraordinarly lucky.
And here he is.
A match for me in every conceivable way.
(did you just say "inconceivable"? I do not think that means what you think it means.)
Anyway...
life is grand.
He even lives in my hometown.
Where I've been yearning to move with an urgency to match my desire for a soul mate!
What could be a more perfect combination???
So, we'll drive across the great expanse of this gorgeous country of ours (at four markedly UNgorgeous dollars per gallon) and spend 2 months there with my boys (who will arrive by big ole jet airliner shortly after we do) and his boys and feel what it's like to be A FAMILY.
We are already each other's family.
We adore each other's kids and parents and friends.
Dudes.
He went to my parents' house OF HIS OWN VOLITION just to introduce himself!!!
Because he was jumping for joy at how friggin awesome their daughter is and couldn't stand to wait another moment to tell them so.
We will hang a hammock-for-two between those two giant trees next to the pond and we will snuggle there on sticky afternoons, listening to the buzz of the unknown insects and teasing each other until zippers fly and trees rock and
we are glad there are no neighbors.

Also, I plan to continue with college and continue with writing and I am the luckiest woman alive!

Happy Summer, All!!!
I do plan to chronicle my roadtrip here, but who knows...
Also, anyone living along I-70 who wants to meet me and/or let us sleep on your couch, email me.
notsoluckystar AT gmail DOT com

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I started a post once with:

"I am in Maine
I am in pain
I want to fall
in love
again."

....I am in Maine, but I am not in pain
because I have.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I have found my true love, my soul mate.

But, as usual, I am angst-ridden and poem filled.
So, yay for THAT.
Haha.

Here's what I wrote last night:

I was afraid I might drown
but instead
it seems I am learning the butterfly stroke
which sounds prettier than it looks,
and is stronger than its name implies.
I am stronger than its name implies, too.
...although, somehow...it seems that I protest too much,
like the time Shakespeare said that.
To declare my strength is shouting it to my own deaf ears,
shouting it to a world with only four senses.

I am lost, and I am found.
But I can't stop spinning as I sit so still
hoping no one notices the way my smile has slipped
from the grip
in which I held it so tightly
for so long.

Remind me...
whisper into that part of my mind that holds memories
and tell me that I don't have to prove anything
and I don't have to be
any
one
other than myself.

I am still shedding the baggage I acquired during that ten year stint up the river.
In shackles,
behind bars,
or in pubs, or what have you....
You get the idea, you hear me, you smell what the Rock is Cookin'
...and yes, it might be lobster. :)

Tonight I am home in more ways than I can count.
I am content in more ways than I've ever imagined.
But.
I am, most definitely, at a place called Vertigo--
I know which way is up, but I can't seem to find it;
I know where I am, but I can't find the light switch.
My heart is still so full it aches, but there are moments when I can't breathe--
moments when it all turns upside down and I wonder where I fit in,
wonder how this will play out over a lifetime.
Wonder if I'm enough,
And in all of this wondering...
I forget to remember the most important part:
We are a perfect match,
like two halves of the same whole,
like one plus one equals one
like my heart in his chest
and his thoughts in my head
and I chide myself for forgetting to remember those (most important) things.
Those things which are all that I have sought,
for all the years I've been aware of my heart's design.

Silly girl...
did you also forget, so soon?
Did you forget how much your soul craves a pure outlet?
Ah.
Yes.
Time for a new blog, eh?
Time for a new blog.
Will you ever stick with any blog with the determination and love that you rode like a surfer's paradise on the original?
Prolly not.
But that's ok.

****

I am having fun here, but it's not all fun and games.
Anything that is actually worth having takes some work, so I can dig it.
I would like to get my voice back, minus the guilt.
Good thing there is no guilt allowed in this house of love.
This man is so good and so kind and so accepting.
Also?
Great in bed.
:D

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Me again...

Sitting on my bed, with the spring air sneaking in my window
with my drug of choice (American Idol) coursing through my veins (ear canals)
and I have my very own laptop at my command--
a metaphor for my life.
heh.
I feel so alive
(for the very first time?)
nah, not the very first time, but
the first time in a
long
time.

And now my favorite Idol is singing Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean...
hm.
I thought I would like it more--
oh wait!
there he goes..........
mmmmm........
fuck yes.
DAAAAMN.
This guy is a rock star.
No matter what happens with the idolatrous masses,
he will rock world upon world for many years to come.

I float, in this new space of freedom and choice.
I fly high,
no need for wings.
(p.s. Randy just told him he's gonna win and Paula's about to lick his ballsack...hold on...let's see what simon says...he's SMILING??? Wha---??? "It was amazing")
Ok.....sorry for foisting my addiction upon you.
But, hey, isn't that what addicts do?
Hehe...

Ok.
Back to ME, cuz isn't that what you're here for?
Har.

**********

I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with my D-earest friend!!
Oh, that voice has been missed.
So good to reconnect.

I have missed this outlet as well.
I don't know if I'll ever be "a blogger" again,
but I sure do hope so.
I like it here.
I have so much joy in my life now that it will be interesting to see how that changes my writing style--
for, the content will certainly be different.

Tomorrow I will leave straight from work to go to the mountain.
The snow will melt soon and I must wring the last drops of sweet ski season out of this winter!
It is light until nearly 8, and night skiing lasts until 9:30, so I should get a full chunk of it in before they close the lifts.
It's so warm now, too.
I'm not even packing my silk thermals.
I'll have my tunes and my skis and my memories of the last time I skied...
so I will smile, even though this time I will be alone.
He'll still be there with me, a shadow lighting up my night.

I don't mind doing things alone, but I prefer people to even the coolest adventures.
If I don't have someone to share it with, I see far less value in any endeavor.

Ok, it is past my bedtime and I have an awesome, long day ahead.
Later--

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rain outside, rain inside

Yes, it's one of those days.
It started last night, as I listened to him speak.
At first it was just a hand gathering the fabric of my lungs and heart in a quick squeeze,
but as the conversation ended
(early)
the fabric around my ears and eyes were tugged into that fist as well,
and the grip tightened.
I sobbed, I even wailed.
I felt like I was falling down a long, dry well.
My imagination was giving me a preview of how it would feel to lose him,
that's all,
but it felt so real, so...
unrecoverable.
I kept saying, out loud, "I can't do this, I can't do this."
And what I meant was I can't love someone so much that losing them would leave me debilitated, broken, so raw that infection would set in in the blink of an eye, leaving me with a gangrened heart.
And then...
A song was sung, on the tv I had ignored during this spasm of hopelessness, and a smile breached the Fortress of Wallowing.
And I was reminded that I am loved so deeply that I don't have to fear that he will reject the love that pours out of me...
And that Fear of Loss is a natural balance to this strong of a love, but that I have "nothing to fear"...he is as much mine as the moon is the earth's, and I am his.

In the next moment there was an advertisement proclaiming that "I am Legend" is available on DVD and I finished cheering up enough to go to sleep.
But this morning,
as the clouds hang low over the mountains,
and the rain splashes up from the street,
I find myself frowning again, and hollow.

I told myself it was fear of heartbreak that crushed me last night, but...
maybe it's just the vacuum he left when he went home.
We had a week of paradise and now my heart struggles to beat.
I want to be cool
calm
chiiiiiilled.
But I guess that's not in the cards for me at the moment.
I miss his hand on mine, gently brushing my skin.
I miss his presence, assuring and accepting in every way.
I miss his heart beating just inches from mine and the way just one kiss could send me over the moon.
I will see him again in one month.
And our love for each other is deep and solid and true.
But I guess it is not pure enough to evade the monster that is Pain of Separation--
somehow I had imagined that the joy of our time together would carry me a lot further.
It took a day for me to truly feel his absence, because I was so thoroughy satisfied in every cell.
But last night it hit like a whole mob of tornados.
Today I stumble around in the wreckage, looking for a silver lining.
And finding one, of course:
I may not get to hold his hand or spoon him today, but I do get to do so for the rest of my life.
Just have to have a little patience...

Sorry for that.
Just needed to get it out.
I feel so much better now!!

The flashback portion of this post is:
We had the most amazing, beautiful, serene, exhilarating time together.
We fit like a hand in a smooth leather glove, like peanut butter and chocolate--
like thunder and lightening.
We are a natural fit in every way and we both feel so blessed, so joyous to have found each other.
We went to the opera and it was beautiful--we were beautiful!
We went to Moab where he shared his incredible cameras with me
and taught me to take some extra cool shots,
and where we stayed at the most dreamy b&b
with the BEST breakfast
whose name was Aztec for "house of dreams".
In the Fiery Furnace (restricted hiking area) we met a dear friend of his and the love of her life, with whom we spent a most gorgeous day--
conversation flowed between us all, and the deep, passionate love we all shared for the red rocks and our respective partners made us light up the world.
When you're in love like this it's like being a member of a secret club...
that you wish everyone else could join!
And then we came home and went skiing--where I skied the best I've ever skied.
We played with my kids, who adore him, and he played handyman--fixing a faucet, a toilet, a shower head; a garage door opener, a light fixture, and resolving a dryer vent/bird's nest situation.
He met some of my best friends and one of my brothers, and everyone feels our joy, feels our connection--and they are all as ecstatic as I am (well, almost!) that I have found my soul mate, the love of my life, the man of my dreams....

So.
I guess it's natural that I panic once in a while over the thought of losing him.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make a habit out of it!!!!!
No dwelling on that shit.
Fuck no.

Ok...enjoy your day!!!
Happy full moon, happy spring, happy Spring Equinox, cuz I doubt I'll be posting again tomorrow and those are all awesome things!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Remember me?

I used to be a blogger...
Or something.
What a foggy, distant memory that is!

Well, this is all still feeling very preliminary, but I wanted you guys to be among the first to know that I have been offered representation!
For my writing!
By a literary agency!

I will most definitely keep you posted...
And?
I will get my ASS IN GEAR AND START WRITING MY NEXT NOVEL!
cuz...they're interested based solely on my collection of fantasies/poems/stories from this here blog site.
Which rocks enough, but I will feel better about life if I have a true-blue novel to offer them.
Besides, I'm reading The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield right now, and I am READY to stop resisting my fate as a writer!

This is my year...
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
I have some news that is even more exciting than that, but this is far too public a forum for such a thing...
let's just say that my heart is full of the purest and most exquisite type of love and I feel blessed, truly.
I can't even believe that this kind of love is possible...but then...I have always believed it was possible, haven't I?
That's why I wiggled my way out of the Wrong Fit marraige.
And this man...he is a match for me in every conceivable way; he adores me.
And I?
I get butterflies in my stomache just thinking of him.
I have bonded with him more deeply and more solidly and more naturally than anythign I've imagined, in all of my years of imagining love.
This exceeds my expectations by lightyears.
We have a deep appreciation and respect for each other, as well as that convenient little thing called ATTRACTION.
Yum.
He is the answer to every prayer I've never offered.
He is the clone of the one I learned from, the one who showed me that men like this exist.
He is...my heart's home.

So there.
I hope you all feel the warmth of my joy and have a most delicious day!
Life is grand...!

Monday, February 25, 2008

How apt...

I wrote this while at work today,
a palate cleanser...and a palette cleanser...hehehe...

Sometimes I have to purge some poetic residue
Before I can carry
On
With my grinding out of words-for-pay,
Words on parade,
in a monochrome of homogeny,
pictures in grey scale painted by my rainbow-tinged voice.

I must let these words flow out of me
Like letting blood for healing in olden days.

My thoughts all swirl around one man
In a teaming vortex of readiness;
My whole life has been leading me to him
Every step I’ve taken has been down this path
Even when it seemed I was being led away from anything resembling joy.
I want to share every part of my world with him,
And take every part of him into me.
We were made for each other as surely as the stars were made to shine.


And when I got home, I sat down to check my email and my son shouted for me to come see the rainbow--

So I did.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My life. Rocks.

Tonight?
Idol.
Yes, I worship it, like a fucking golden calf, baby!
Ok, not really...I reserve that level of blasphemic adoration for my car, Pearl Jam, sushi, and sunsets...

This afternoon I made banana bread with chocolate chips for my boys.
It is one of our favorite treats.
We sorta had it (and popcorn) for dinner...in bed, with the Fairly Odd Parents movie...
What?? It was super fun!
I love that show...and they made a movie where the Fairies had a BABY--the first baby fairy in thousands of years, so the bad guys tried to steal it and it couldn't control its magic yet so all sorts of wacky stuff happened.
...good thing I have kids as an excuse to watch cartoons...
Did I mention how fun it was?
Have I ever mentioned that I don't have a TV in my living room?
When I moved in here in September, I was in such a state of joy...
almost as good as how I feel right now, in fact.
I was free for the first time in ten years--
free from oppression, sure, but free to make decisions, free to construct patterns in my life however I wanted, ya know?
I was free to choooooose!
And as I arranged my living room, I saw the perfect spot for my painting...the woman in the winter night, in the form of a tree.
The colors and textures so rich, it fit perfectly as the centerpiece for the room.
And suddenly the idea of putting a television in the same room as that loveliness was repugnant.
So I didn't.
And I haven't regretted it once.
The boys have one in their room, which they rarely use.
I have one in my room, which I use slightly more than rarely.
And the Wii is hooked up to one here in the computer/toy room, the loft.
And I love it.
I love everything about this house, this time around.
Before?
I hated everything about this house...
(except for one thing)
slightly symbolic, don't ya think?
The one thing I loved about it before is the same as my favorite thing about it now: the views.
My mountains hold me close and give me the most gorgeous sunsets and sunrises...my soul is sated by the feast for my eyes.
I don't even feel like the same person who lived here before...
But, sitting in this very spot is where I discovered blogging,
which is where I discovered National Novel Writing Month,
which is how I came to write my first novel,
which is how I found my Self...
I will write another...soon.
My biggest problem as a writer is that I'm too social: I would rather talk to people than invent them.
I need to be forced into solitude again, like when my boys were babies and I was a housewife with no one else to talk to.
That's ok...I'd rather fall in love than write about falling in love.

"I'm glad you like me so much, otherwise I would feel like a total stalker."



Good night, and good love to you all--

Thursday, February 14, 2008

So much to say...

I'm going to hit this typical BHW style and just kamikaze my way through it, ok?
Ok.

We got 6 inches or so of snow last night and after I dropped off the kids I decided to tackle the shoveling.
I will work from home today
(again)
I shovelled and shovelled and then I switched it up and did some left hand-propelled shovels and it was just such a beautiful day!
So then I was heading east on my sidewalk, and I didn't want to stop--
it felt so good!
So I went all the way to my neighbor's driveway,
but I still didn't want to stop.
Her car was parked in the driveway, and ohhh...how easy it would be to just clear a strip behind each tire so she doesn't have to drive through this huge pile of stuff in her little red car.
And then that left such a small patch that I couldn't just leave, so I cleared it all and
Daaaaaaaamn, did that feel good!!!
About halfway through, I thought of a guy who has already begun changing my life, from so far away, and I thought of him plowing his neighbors' driveways and I felt like maybe...
maybe I will be filled up with love again, so that all that I want to give can be given without leaving me feeling desiccated, withered, gasping for air.

This morning I awoke to sweet nothings, in text form...
cupid's arrows themselves could not land with such precision in my heart.
And the last one said something so sweet about my kids and a heartbeat later, Oliver walked into my room and said, "Mom! I didn't buy you a present!"
He was stricken...
I said, "Oh, honey, it's ok, just come give me a hug. I don't need presents."
and he laid down next to me and snuggled up and I couldn't imagine being happier.

And after the shovelling I decided to tackle the downstairs toilet which the kids managed to plug up a couple of days ago...
hey!
I tried to plunger it, but the one in that bathroom is rather ineffectual and kept forgetting to drag the one from my bathroom down there...
(Yes, this is all just the sexiest stuff you've ever read, isn't it??)
So after some manhandling, I had a totally clear bowl, but it was still not flushing right.
I bent down and something caught my eye...
a matchbox-sized cement truck!
Siiiiiiigh.
I don't know if it's been in there since we lived here 3 years ago, or if it got knocked in accidentally, but I thnk they're over that phase...
The toilet happens to be much newer than the rest of the house because when they were 2-3 they started flushing rather large toys down the toilet in that bathroom, causing Noah-esque floods and biblical-style wailing and gnashing of teeth, and eventually it reached the point of no return and had to be replaced.
So who knows.
But it should be working better now.
Oh, yes, that means I got to stick my arm down into a lovely, semi-clean toilet bowl.
Good thing my Valentine is not physically present, eh??
Snort!

Hope you're all having a happy day, whether celebrating or not.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Beautiful nights...

I just went for a walk in the beautiful winter sunshine.
It is in the 40s, feels like spring.

I keep starting and stopping.
Can’t seem to find the right topic—
My thoughts are not scattered, they are lunging in twelve directions at once!
I feel more centered and happy than I have in a long time...
I am Me.
I own myself again...that marriage seems like a book I read once, that woman seems like an old friend.
Utah finally seems like a choice, and because of that I hate it less, but...

This week is going to fly by and then it’ll be time for skiing.
And writing.
There is no reason I shouldn’t get paid giant gobs of money for splattering the images in my head across paper.

I am ready.
For everything.

Ok, so now that my head has cleared (somewhat)...
Can I just take a moment and dwell on the magnificence of the other night?
I looked pretty hot, first of all—black pin-striped pants, grey wife beater, bad-ass belt and bracelet, hair down and wild.
I loved walking into a dance club with “Rock” tattooed on my forehead…
I loved getting lost in the rhythm of the unfamiliar songs,
And I love the DJ for knowing I needed to hear lots of old school stuff and for playing every current dance song I know.
As I drove to the city, I began a conversation and it didn’t fade when I got to the club…
I put my ID and my cash and my lip gloss and keyless clicker in my pocket and hesitated.
I looked at my phone, the flush of flirtation still warm on my cheeks and I was in a white space, a place where there was nothing else to hear or see or want….
The phone giggled and leapt into my other pocket, giving me a suspicious bulge on my hip, ruining the line of my silhouette.
I smiled and locked the car.
This place was cool...a bit of an older crowd so I didn’t have to feel out of place, huge screens all over the top half of the high walls playing videos of the songs.
We went straight to the floor and didn’t stop dancing for hours—
Pausing once for the bathroom,
Once for a tall glass of water.
The whole time my body moved, my eyes stayed on the screen of my phone...
I couldn’t feel the vibrations in my pocket,
But I seemed to pull it out to check every time there was a new message.
And...
Your words.
They trickled into me,
They shivered through me,
They rushed to my head, while the blood flowed south.
My body is a compass and you became my North Star.
The music fell around me like rain, but I was in a patch of sunshine,
lighting up the whole room.
Your words heated up—the pace quickened, like my pulse—
Our bodies connected across the dark expanse of the sleeping country.
My battery came
this
close
to dying...
and then it was time to go the car and I plugged in my charger and handed the keys to dear S and they giggled at me, having a love affair with my phone…
Then we cruised Taco Bell and I got hot sauce all over my keyboard as I willed myself to disappear into that phone and catch a ride on the transmitting signal.

Everyone should have a Friday night like that.

Have a happy Sunday, everyone.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Monday nights are for being...

Just being.

I was going to take a bath
But I got sidetracked by taking sexy pictures
And falling in love with the comfort of my bed,
sideways.
And now I'm listening to the Juno soundtrack....
And I am smiling at the upbeat melancholy of the sounds surrounding me.

Night skiing is a lot like night swimming...
We had shots of whiskey as we rode up the mountain,
we had numb fingers as we rode up the mountain.
I had lines of poetry, somewhere in there--
but I lost them when the stars came out and
I can't find them now (because the sun came out).

Skiing in muted tones, under the big lamps under the small stars--
the snow feels different in the shadows,
the air feels different with no rays of light in it.
And into my ears melt the notes of "Nightswimming"...
I smile, and think, Yeah...
Then I swish
slowly
down the slope...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The end of an era...

I just realized that tonight is the last night of my official run as a housewife.
I am buzzing with excitement--
or is that just the plum wine I'm sipping while dinner cooks?
Either way.
It is worthy of celebration.
While I was grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my little dears,
there is something to be said for going out in the world and being a part of the whole circle of capitalism, ya know??

Might I take a moment to interject a little something off the subject?
I hate a lot of things about MySpace--from the insecure way they ask you every time you do anything, "Are you sure you want to________?" (add that friend, that song, post that comment), to the difficulties that arise with editing the html--come the fuck on, people, just let me edit my goddamned template!!
So anyway...what annoys me the very most is right here in the blog function. See, I have this styyyyyle, man, this grooove.
I have a WAY I do things, ya dig?
I type a post like it's a poem, no matter what I'm saying;
I can't help it, it's just how I roll.
Yo.
HOWEVER.
In this particular stupid-ass editing window, I can't just hit "enter" and get a return.
Oh no.
I must hit "shift" and "enter" to get a normal "enter".
WHY?????
Dear, god, tell me why!!!!
It makes no sense.
So, like, Tom, you dirty bastard, if you are out there, listening, could you pretty please, with sugar to be licked off a stripper's nipples on top, make it an option to just have NORMAL key functions in this shit hole????
Thanks.

Uh....
Wow.
Who knew 5 and a half sips of plum wine would turn me into an irate little pumpkin pie maker???
(I made pumpkin pie today)

Odd.
Well, I came here to write about something...but now the timer is beeping loudly in my plum wine-dazzled ears, and I should go remove the garlic, mushroom and spinach pizza from the oven before it burns.

Ok, I removed the pizza and now I'm back.
I also ate the pizza, and it was good.
The kids were not as impressed with the gentle mixing of flavors as I was, but that's just tough.
Now that picky-eatin' daddy is out of the picture, I'll cook what I damn well please!!!
Wooo, that feels good!
There are so many things I can do now, it's awesome.
Like, have a job, for example...
I can't even tell you how wonderful it feels to know that I will have something else in this world that I'm responsible for other than my own home....
and when people ask what I do, I can say, "I write marketing materials for a software company!!!!"
And sadly, yes, I'll probably have four exclamation points worth of enthusiasm when sharing that news.

I have so many great ideas about how to navigate my newly reset future that I can hardly sit still.
I must, though.
I must find that quiet place inside and really think, really feel to figure out my next step.
I need to commit to a vision and run with it.

Also, I could use an ice cube.
Someone's eagerness for that pizza may have interfered with her mouth's intentions to not get burned...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Pseudo-Sick Day

The kids and I had very minor cases of sniffles, but...
I just felt like keeping them home.
I do this about once a year...just as a treat.
It snowed like a motherfucker today, so I ended up grateful to have no reason to leave home.

Weekend was superb.
Had an impromtu dinner party on Saturday night which went spectacularly well.
Good food (if I do say so), good drinks (thanks to a new friend from home), and great company!
I am so lucky.

I feel so...peaceful.
So calm, so sure.

The divorce decree will arrive any day now.
I am not holding my breath, necessarily, but it'll be nice to stop waiting for it.
And it'll be even nicer to have my financial peace of mind more firmly in place.
(I'm sure Mr. Ex would love to make me pry my half of the assets from his cold, dead fingers, but the papers say otherwise...)

And then...who knows.
I start working on Wednesday.
Will be very part-time.
But whatever.
It'll give me some purpose in life...I've been spending far too much time on MySpace lately.
Filling out surveys and corresponding with old friends from home, new friends from home, and oddly yes, all the people I've been emailing with are from home--some of them live there still, some of them don't; some of them were my friends in high school, some of them I have only known in recent years (or weeks), through email.
Friggin Bizzzzzare.
But fun.
Oh, yes.
So fun.
Life is fun, but I have to make a plan...
Ok, fine. I'll just be a world-famous author.

good
night

Friday, January 25, 2008

Drunk on a Weeknight, Part 2

Lordy, I'm blessed with a great babysitter.
Who was I talking to...someone asked where my kids were.
It felt almost accusatory.
With their favorite babysitter who plays with them and has a great time with them, asswipe.
I wish I could remember who it was...
Anyway, great night.
I did not get a hangover today, and that was such a miraculous and joyful experience that I decided to try it again.
We shall see.

Tonight there was a pool tournament at a very smoky small place.
There was a tiny little pixie of a girl, celebrating her birthday, so genuine and dear.
And toothless Mark, who got more than just his two front ones for christmas; he looks like a new man.

And the kid who thought he knew me, but he didn't.
Or maybe that was a pickup line....? ha. maybe.
But he looked familiar, and his last name wasn't Durden, but I checked, cuz Tylers must get that a lot.
and then when I say I'm a writer, i get a good lesson in why not to be quite so pretentious because you wouldn't believe how often people will say, "oh, everyone tells me that I should write a book about my life."
No.
Sorry, dude.
Your life is just your life, and it's not that special.
You gotta have soul, you gotta have purpose.
Why the fuck do you think I haven't written a book yet, and why the fuck do you think there aren't 8 million memoirs lining the shelves?
No one cares that you did drugs and now you don't. Whoopdee frigggin doo. It's how the story's told that matters.
I'm an asshole, aren't I?
Yes, but that's just my attempt at balancing my life because you see, I was married to an asshole and now I'm not, so therefore I need to be both the asshole and the sweetheart, kind of like being both the mother and the father. Ha. That was a bad joke. Truly terrible.
But I'm good at terrible jokes.
And I'm terrible at good jokes.
But more than that, I'm terrible at pool.
And suddenly I have to pee and want some food and I want to stay up all night watching movies, but I'll be asleep 5 minutes after I get in bed, and for the moment I wish I had a man in my bed for just those 5 minutes, so I could grind into him and then kick him out. With a wink. Never would I really just gobble up and discard a precious Man Creature--they are delicacies to be enjoyed for a long time...
I am insane.
Yay!

I had something to say about the rockstar-pimp that frequents the bar we went to, something about how his hotness sizzles across the room and leaves you with freezer burn along the length of your neck and up into the corners of your mouth, your tongue dancing in your mouth, trying to leap out and down his throat or his pants or dear god, wherever he wants it---
fuck, he was god-like.
And his wife makes me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation.
They are this power couple, of hotness.
Fortunately she is amiable and inclusive and we hit it off...actually we pissed off the God of Sex by cheering her on in her victory against him in pool. I must have been drunk because I was very comfortable joking with him about the scowl on his face as she whomped him. And I must not have been very drunk because I didn't even once ask him if I could lick him.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Anywhere--hell, I'd lick his elbow, just let me touch that skin!
Ok, someone's horny.
not mentioning any names, but her initials are--
me.

I'm just glad I got my drinking out of the way early.
Now I can stay home and watch movies all weekend in my pajamas...
It's going to snow from now until next month.
February starts in about 6 days, but that's still a lot of snow.
Good for the skiing, right?
I wonder if I'll be divorced by then?
I will celebrate by buying a plane ticket to hawaii.
I have friends there--
a dear friend whose husband is forever in my heart because he knows my beautiful sister and he dubbed ME the "prettier sister"! No. Way. Lived my life in her shadow, folks, and that explains a lot doesn't it?? But the point is, I'll never forget that Irish bastard for sharing his preference. Sniff. I love you guys!!!

Ok....
I'm going....
good night.....

Sunday, January 13, 2008

They call me Mellow Yellow...

quite right.

No, they really don't call me that.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I really have no clue who "they" are, anyway.
I do, however, wish they would quit being so opinionated and involved in everything.
Damn meddlers.

Good weekend, overall.
Spent some quality time with the kids yesterday, or rather, let them spend some quality time with their friends at an indoor jump around and be crazy place.
It was awesome.

I did not make it skiing Thursday, because I realized I had some grocery shopping to do and I sort of lollygagged around and missed the window of opportunity in which to go skiing...
I'm such a day dreamer sometimes.
Anyway, I may try again tomorrow.
My horoscope suggested that I be responsible tomorrow instead of giving in to my urge to play, but who really takes those things seriously???
So.
We'll see.

Today was a day of cooking and lounging.
It was lovely.
I played with the kids some, and fed them a gorgeous dinner--
which, oddly enough, they appreciated!
They always do...and yet it never fails to move me and shock me that they are aware of the difference between Mom's Juicy Roast Beef and Freshly Mashed Potatoes and macaroni and cheese from a box...
Ok, it shouldn't shock me; they are NOT morons.
Anyway, it's cool to be appreciated.

I wish my head would stop spinning.
I am excited for this beautiful, fresh new year.
It's going to be a magical one, I can tell!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Well, well, well...

The Almost-Ex sent me the divorce papers last night.
Everything looks good.
We could be officially divorced in as little as 2 weeks.
Again I find myself with memories rushing down on me, and disbelief.
My future has been wrenched out of my grasp, but only because I wasn't holding on to it.
The thoughts fill my mind, without permission, of all the ways I could have done this better, could have made it work.
And how could I have made it work?
I could have changed the very last speck of Who I Am.
But that just wouldn't do, now would it?
Fuck no.
So now I smile again; see how quickly I can work through this stuff??
(Ok, maybe it helps that I initially wrote that little section in an email to my Dearest friend, who knows the patterns of my soul like the route to work...but either way, writing it cheered me up.)

I am trying to decide what to do with my possible last day of mid-week freedom...
Something about having a job is so thrilling to me!
I know, you guys think I'm crazy.
I just miss being a part of a team and I miss that satisfying feeling of earning money!!!!
I haven't had a real paycheck in 7 years!
The newspaper was fun, but it didn't really pay.
With a job on the horizon and the divorce cruising right along, my financial worries are alleviated, just like that.
I mean, let's don't forget: I've been a tad bit pampered the past few years and haven't had any involvement in my family's finances for nearly ten years...
It always felt a little weird, frankly.
And I am STOKED to be responsible for myself: instead of under his thumb.
I could possibly still take one class...
And maybe I will meditate on that.

It's weird, I don't feel like I have a voice anymore, in writing.
Maybe it's because I'm too accustomed to it, so it doesn't startle me anymore, but maybe it's just gone.

Whatever.

Anyway, the kids don't have school tomorrow so today is my (possible) last day of mid-week freedom, as I was saying.
I really want to go skiing....
Or I could clean/organize the Christmas vomit that has taken over the guest room.
Or I could get in bed and watch movies all day.
Or I could go grocery shopping and to the gym...
Hm.
If I'm going to ski I better commit to it pretty damn fast or it won't be worth my time to go.

Rambling and disjointed?
Who me???
Nah.
Have a great day--

Monday, January 07, 2008

Melancholic Monday

Sometimes I feel like You are a song I wrote,
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.

But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!

I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
Yaay!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.

My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.

He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.

I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.