Wednesday, December 31, 2003

good to go, ready to launch

don't know where that came from, but hubby says it.
so there ya have it.

just getting ready to head out...
wanted to wish you all well.
wish you'd all be there tonight.
we could make out.
especially you, and you--and you.
i should link each of those 'you's but i'll leave you to guess.
actually, i'd be more likely to sit around laughing than making out, but i got a rep to protect...

we're taking two bags for this overnight.
one with clothes and toiletries, etc.
the other with, uh, toys.
no, my mom doesn't read this!
hubby's all excited, and i keep trying to remind him that after a long night of drinking, i'm not always feeling up to such tricks and treats...
i'll at least try to remember to take some pictures of my night out.
but NOT my night in!!
this is a family show.
well, you know what i mean.
ooh. i hear the diesel rumblings of hot neighbor...
if i run i could put an empty milk bottle in the cooler, and sneak a peak.
or i could waste time writing about it and miss my chance.
did i tell you i got invited to go to the party he and his girlfriend will be at?
that would have been fun, actually, and maybe i'd get to flirt instead of stutter...
not sure if hubby could handle that.
we joke about my crush on the neighbor all the time, but it's just that--a joke.
i wouldn't want to do anything about it, but i wouldn't blame the mr. for being a little wary.
after all--dude IS hot.


happy halloween to you all.

smooooooooooooches all around, double for boz!!

nothing's gonna rain on my parade!

not even twin A puking this morning.
he's fine.
he just likes to puke occassionally.

i still have a lot to do to get ready.
pack our overnight stuff.
make a list of pertinent info for the sitter.
finish a bunch of laundry.
and the one thing i'm dreading...
clean out the cooler, so we can take some drinks for the pre-party party at the hotel.
now, some would say, hey-what's so bad about cleaning out a cooler?
this cooler hasn't been used since my birthday.
it's been sitting in the garage since then.
it was over 100 degrees for many many days.
and it's full of chicken marinade.
and melted ice cream.
(although, at this point, the "melted" hardly holds its meaning...)
as in...
the containers holding the RAW chicken and marinade spilled.
which is why i didn't clean it out before.
see, i'm squeamish about two things in life:
chicken germs
toilet germs
i know.
i'm a huge dork.
but we've covered that--ad nauseum.
anyway, i kept hoping hubby would do it.
he didn't.
it's almost worse for me if he deals with chicken germ issues, though, because he's not careful enough...
like, he might not wash his hands after touching raw chicken.
i know!!
i'm getting freaked out just talking about it.
have we slipped from dorkiness to OCD??
yeah, that's what i thought.
anyone wanna come over and clean out a cooler full of chicken cooties, mold, and probably a newly evolved slime species of some variety?
i'll give you one of my world famous bjs.
well, not really, but since none of you are local, i can sure offer.
i mean, hell, if you're willing to fly here AND clean out the cooler--i'll follow through.

oh, and by "world famous" i really just mean, the handful of guys i've shared them with have heartily approved...
i'm not THAT slutty.
i can count em on two hands.
oh wait, maybe not if we're counting head.
no one wanted to know that.
but remember--i don't believe in the delete key.
well, sort of.
but only when it's boring shit.
and not always in that case.

so anyway.
wish me and my disposable gloves luck with the cooler.

the boys just spilled popcorn in the kitchen, and now they're using their toy vacume to clean it up.
cute, but not very productive.
have i mentioned lately how completely friggin cute my kids are?
oliver sings.
i'll put them to bed and then i'll be wandering around picking up and i'll hear him singing them to sleep!!
cuter than a bug's ear, i tell you what.

okay, i'm off to be productive.
no, not reproductive...

if i don't post again, have a happy, wonderful new year and i hope you all get to "ring it in" (what a faggy term, by the way) with people you love!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

everything i thought it would be and more...

is how i would describe my triumphant return to the gym.
i'm a dork.
but it was great.

so i just spent the last HOUR digging around a shelf of dusty boxes.
in my garage, perched precariously on a wobbly bar stool...
looking for THE shoes.
my wedding shoes, to be precise.
but the shoes i NEED for my new year's eve skankfest.
i mean outfit.
what does it say about me that my wedding shoes are interchangable with a slutty outfit??

you know that saying, "it'll be in the last place you look"?
which is fucking retarded to begin with, because what kind of moron would keep looking after they found what they were looking for???
but anyway.
the shoes were actually in the first place i looked.
a box marked "lisa's sentimental crap".
aptly named.
i didn't dig deep enough.
and i stuck that box back on the shelf and kept looking.
gave up, came inside, freezing.
went at it again today with a coat on, like a non-mongoloid.
(if you've read A Confederacy of Dunces, you'll laugh really hard at my use of that outdated term...if you haven't read it, do so)
after pawing through every box, and coming up empty, i decided to give a few of them a second look.
there they were.

so i had to try them on, and of course, the blister i got from the gym today is perfectly situated to glean the most pain from the strap.
i like pain.
no i don't.
but i like wearing big ugly bandaids under pretty shoes, so it'll work out fine.

have i ever mentioned it's a good damn thing my husband's tall?
i love those shoes.
(why don't you marry them?)
heh. i sorta did, though...
well, they were there, at least...

which reminds me...
i really ought to copy some photo files up to hubby's puter so i can photoshop em.
if i don't post any soon, remind me.
that's an order, bitch.

my single friend has just decided to probably join us for new year's eve.
i'm excited, cuz we have loads of fun together.
and that'll give me an excuse to scope all the hot men...
"hey, becky how bout that one?"

okay, time to go take a long hot bath full of skin nourishing gunk, so i don't look like a leper in my lack of clothing tomorrow night.
oh yeah, if i remember, i'll take pictures of the final project, but don't get your hopes up.
i mean, i know some of you are staying home tomorrow night SPECIFICALLY to see pictures of me, should i post them, but really, go out, have fun, kiss a stranger...
but don't go HOME with one.
that's just not safe.
unless you're a boy and the stranger is a girl.
then you're probably okay...
and as a womanizing friend of mine always says, "if you go back to her place, she can't stalk you!"
words of wisdom, my friends.

Monday, December 29, 2003

it's done

and so am i.
but we now have babysitters (one for us one for his brother's kids) and a location--the top of one of the few tall buildings in Salt Lake City. okay, okay, so their phone system isn't working so we haven't purchased tickets yet, and we haven't made reservations at a hotel.
when i say a task is completed i guess i don't really mean it.
oh dinner's ready.
well, the potatoes are still baking the bread is still rising and i haven't chopped the veggies for the salad, but...

friggin idiot.

do you have the time
to listen to me whine
about nothing and everything all at once?
i am one of those melodramatic fools,
neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it

just a few words of inspiration from Green Day.
what does that say about me that i feel like they were reading my mind??
seriously, i should put that in as the description of this site, cuz it pretty much hits that nail on the head!

so, instead of the gym...
we went to mcdonalds.
pretty fair trade, in my estimation.
i mean, i could either burn 700 calories or consume an extra 4,000.
happy fucking new year.

but seriously, i'm not worried about getting back in the swing of it.
it's been 3 dreadful weeks since i saw the inside of that beautiful building.
and this week won't be perfect, obviously, what with already missing one day...
but i'll live.
and i WON'T go to mcd's again.
i crave that stuff sometimes, so i have it.
but i don't eat it very often...
no more baking, either.
hubby wants to do Atkins.
i've sort of fattened him up...
he's 6' 3" and was about 180 when i met him.
he's well over 200 now, but i won't get detailed.
he's still handsome, though, just a bit of a belly....
so i told him i'd do it with him (erg, atkins, people, atkins--get those minds out of the gutter).
for moral support, etc.
and, hey, if i can lose ten or 50 pounds that'd be swell too.
okay, not 50.
i don't imagine i'd look very good if i lost 50 pounds.
I'm too tall to weigh that much less than one hundred pounds, especially with all the muscle i have these days.
anyway. who gives a shit???

i am the queen of useless information today.
so watch out.
cuz i might tell you even more stuff you never needed to know, never wanted to know, and when it's all said and done, you'll wish you didn't know!

still killing mice at the speed of light.
okay, so only 3 so far, in two or 3 weeks, but still.
that's 3 more mice than should have ever been in my house.
they are everything dirty and filthy.
and not in that fun way.

i'm everything dirty and filthy in that fun way.
okay, okay, so i'm exaggerating a teensy bit.
or a lot.
but, let's face it, you'll never know.
i could tell you i'm the kinkiest of the kinky and for all you know, i do strictly missionary position, with the lights off and my shirt on.
okay, that's just ridiculous.
certainly you know THAT's not true.
or i could be a fat asian man.
or a tall skinny geeky 15 year old (yes, we've already established i think like a teenage boy...)
or a 50 year old divorcee with a body like Cher and the oral skills of Monica Lewinsky.
actually, I'm pretty sure i could out-suck her.
or any of you.
bring it on.
sorry, feeling a bit fiesty all of a sudden.
anyway, you get my point.
and it's probably not even fair to call it MY point, because it's one of those "stating the obvious" things that I love doing.
so a zillion people have already made the same point.
but i'll claim it.
and i dare you to contradict me.
nah, not really.
i don't like to argue.
well, i sort of do.
god DAMN i'm fickle today.
i mean, i'm always fickle, but sometimes i'm more fickle than a pickle, ya know? wink wink.
whatever the wink wink means.

let me just reiterate how excited i am for new year's eve.
super excited.
uber excited.
ultra excited.
extra excited.

which means one thing, and one thing only: it will not go as planned, or will for some reason fall short of my expectations.
one of my expectations is to kiss a girl.
i know.
i'll definitely keep you in the loop on that one.
or make something up.
damn, but where did that sweet little mormon girl go?
she's lost so deep inside me that sybil's therapist couldn't find her.
stupid bitch.
better stay where i buried her, too.
if she knows what's good for her.

is it new year's eve yet?

and more importantly, have i secured a babysitter and made reservations and booked hotel rooms???
fuck no, on all counts.

damn, i hate being in charge.

but the sweet lil Mr. took me sopping. er, shopping.
but he'd "take me" sopping wet, too.
it's been a rather sex filled holiday weekend so i'm extra dirty minded today.
we found not only some incredible after christmas sales, but some hot clothes for new year's eve.
i'm prettydamnexcited.
my space bar isn't working...weird.

well. welcome back. kotter.

i was more excited than i can possibly tell you at the thought of returning to the gym today.
then i looked out the window.
snowing again.
now, the gym is barely two miles away, so i could handle that.
hubby's vehicle is still in the shop, waiting for an alternator to come in.
great timing.
sooo...i was planning to take him to work but his office is 20 minutes away on a good day, and i don't want to drive in this shit more than i have to.

the real bottom line is this: the kids needed to get out of the house about as badly as my fat ass needed to get to the gym...
it's going to be a hair pullling out, lots of time in time out kind of day.
i can feel it.

i did have a dream last night that my husband started a blog.
and he was telling me how he finally understood how addictive it was.
ooh, and there was a guy who made these crazy little transportation devices...they were like a big rubber band with some little things on them...and i couldn't figure out how to use mine.
they were of the skateboard, razor scooter genre...but he had made one just for me and i couldn't do it so i was getting frustrated.

update: hubby's staying home. woo hoo! he has the greatest job on the planet. maybe we'll go to the gym together if the roads get plowed.
and the fucking comments aren't showing up.
god damn sons of bitches.
got down sat on a bench.
which reminds me.
my favorite save, for swearing in front of people i shouldn't...
when i would start to exclaim "fuck!" (which i did quite frequently) i could cover by turning it into 'for crying out loud' cuz it sounds like "fuh cryin out loud"...try it. it's fun. then, of course my friend and i turned that into "fuck ryan out loud" when she was dating a dude named ryan. we always had this problem of thinking we were fucking hilarious when really we were, well, not...
whoa. she just called me. holy weird. gonna sign off so i can talk. fuck you--i can't multi task...

Saturday, December 27, 2003

getting caught with my pants down...

so, yesterday.
put the kids down for a nap...
hubby and i head upstairs for a little rendez vous.
turn on some loud-ish music, and get to it...
we're almost done and the kids walk in.
they never fell asleep!!
naked, i take them downstairs to settle them with a movie for just a few minutes so we can, uh, finish up...
knock on the door.
i have no clothes downstairs and my front door is right on the landing to my stairs...
with enough glass in the window that i wasn't sure he wouldn't see me.
hubby's hot friend.
i yell to hubby, who can't hear me, due to the music.
i scramble around and come up with a long black velvety skirt and a tailored sexy army type jacket...
hadn't showered yet.
hair all flying.
pull it back.
end up looking kinda hot.
answer the door.
reeking of sex.

last embrassing moment of the year.

tis the season

my kids have called two bearded men "Jesus" today.
i don't know how they know who Jesus is, but i'm kinda freaked out.

my husband has spent more of the past three days getting sucked into doing useless crap for other people that i'm about to lose it.

and we have like two feet of snow.
it's dry so it's no good for snowballs or snow men or snow men's balls...

stuart little: the cat says, "then i'm going to lick myself and if you do it right it can take a few hours."
nice kids' show.

more on the holidays next time.
good "getting caught with my pants down" story...

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

it really is a wonderful life

even if i've never seen that movie.

the sun is shining and it's warm enough that i took the boys out to ride bikes (trikes) with just a light fleece jacket, no hat.
although they say it'll snow tonight and that's actually just about perfect.
a nice warm day today, a nice warm snow tomorrow for the true white christmas...

last night while i was laying in bed trying to get to sleep i composed the most lovely, poetic, insightful post.
sorry, it's long gone.

the funny thing is, i opened this browser cuz i had something funny to say.
what the hell was it??
aw crap.
i hate it when i forget stuff.
oh yeah!!
you know all those lame spammy emails with the funny "from" names?
i got one that takes the cake.
or should jump out of a cake...
Brittney Spears!
she wanted to sell me prescrition pain killers.
hee hee.
would have been funnier if she was offering a larger penis.

i wrapped presents til my eyes were crossed last night.
and i only made a small dent.
oh well.
hubby said we can skip the sex and just wrap presents tonight.
isn't he sweet?
and yes, i'm all for it.

well, if anyone's out there, have a merry christmas.
i for one, am very excited!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

hail from the land o kooky dreams

involving time travel and a hot boy who was a cross between a past lover and a blogger friend.

blogging from hubby's office while he delivers a gift to his boss.
well, boss sounds wrong.
the CEO.
he has no boss in the traditional sense.

so i here i sit.
child free.
it's a wonderful life.

i'm feeling uninspired.
sitting in this office.
how does he live like this??
it's a sty.
extra computer parts scattered over his workbench, software in a jumble on the shelves...
he's a genius, i cannot question his ways...=)

yesterday i cleaned my kids' room and their walk in closet.
to make room for all the new shit they'll be getting.
it was fun...

hubby set up a new computer at home.
he has photo shop and illustrator on that machine.
and a 21 inch monitor.
heeeeeeeeelllllllll yeah!
i'm going to have some fun with pictures now!
if i can figure it out...

i need to take a moment and be thankful for all the amazing blessings in my life.
i have my health back, and my family is well and we're all happy and comfortable.
it's so easy to forget that there are people out there who have nothing, as i sit in my little land of plenty.
i'm sorry for this.
i will try harder to remember...and to share what i have.

ooh! and i did it.
i mailed christmas cards just moments ago!
how freaking impressed are you all??
i have never ever ever before done that.
it's exciting, i know, but...

i'm thinking you could all go fuck yourselves.
or me.
yeah, some of you could fuck me.
but i'd need to interview you first...
little oral quiz...
high standards will be applied.
i might let you do THAT, though...or the other thing.
especially if i'm a little drunk.

well, like i said.

i hope you all have the merriest of merry and the jolliest of jolly christmases.

Monday, December 22, 2003

you might think i'm getting too big for my britches.
what with not answering all my comments recently.
you'd be wrong.
i thought i'd try the whole "cool" gig.
you know, the dark mysterious, my life is not an open book thing...
but my life is an open book.
the openest.
it would be fun to be cool for once though.
waifish, even.

but not i.

i'm loud and jolly and perverted and soft and sweet and quiet and demure and flirtatious and cold and brave and scared.

but not cool.

it's a cool summer, though.
or so i hear.
or is that cruel?
some song from the 80's.

i think i smell something.
(and no, it's not me. i showered over an hour ago...)
could it be?
it is.
a band wagon.
i think i'll climb right on and stradle that thing.
i'm going to sign up to be a Bozley's Angel.
that's right.
and you should too.
no, wait.
forget i said anything.
maybe i can be cool if there are limited numbers of angels...
nah, forget it.
join in.
the more the merrier.

if i could sing worth a shit, i'd sing hallelujah right now.
i feel fantastic.
well, i don't feel like dog shit on the bottom of Kevynn's shoe.
and that's a pleasant change.
and i'm infused with holiday spirit.
or homemade tequila.*
i feel like swinging from the rafters, doing a strip tease and redecorating my house.
i feel like laughing and crying all at once.
i feel like rolling a piece of ice around in my mouth.
i feel like getting a tan and a massage and a pedicure.
i feel like taking a nap.
all that planning just wore right the fuck out.

well, i'm sure our numbers will dwindle over the next few days, so happiest of happy holidays to you all. may your stockings get stuffed (and anything else you wish) and your bodies stay well and your liquor cabinets stay replenished and your fruitcakes be useful for something and your hearts be at peace with family and friends.

big fat french kisses to all of you. (or hugs for those disinclined to kiss a girl)
*note: i just thought that sounded good, i don't actually drink when i'm in charge of my kids.

manic mondays are my fave

or should i say uber fave?
gag me with a spoon.
like, grody to the max.
and stuff.

i'm back.
cuz the kids are raptly watching bob the builder and i don't want to risk it by announcing i'm going to shower.
why announce it? you may ask.
well, if i don't tell them what i'm doing, it's even worse.
but if i do tell them i'm showering...
they insist on coming into the tiny fucking bathroom and watching me turn on the water and then it takes a lot of effort to convince them to leave...
i had my first uninterupted shower in weeks yesterday.
cuz hubby was here and i told them if they bugged me he'd put them in time out.
i'm so glad he's a hard ass.
nothing beats the "should i get daddy??" threat.
now if only i could be the hard ass of my dreams.
speaking of dreams.

kooky mother fucking dreams last night.
filmed sex, harleys and a protest march on the freeway, with hubbby passing them all on the shoulder...

i feel like making a list.
and checking it twice.
but no so much the naughty and nice thing...
just a list.
of what?
how's about a list of things i won't do today?

1. choke a chicken
2. read poetry
3. fork a road
4. get well
5. make hay while the sun shines (maybe after sunset..)
6. ride a red hood
7. place a mat
8. dust my house
9. bite the dust
10. clean my dirty mind
11. clean my dirty garage
12. take a shower before noon
13. have a duel
14. have a 3 way
15. have a root canal
16. ride in a gondola
17. go to the post office
18. bite you
19. win the lottery

so there.

wasn't that a useful thing to do?

i bought christmas cards.
i think i'll even work on them today...
no promises.
not that any of YOU are getting one.

for the record, my husband's family isn't getting together at all for Christmas.
today is the 22nd.
stay tuned.
there will be a last minute thrown together something or other i'm fairly sure.

we have a noonish appointment with MY family and that's enough.
and the best news of all is that hubby is overnighting my package to my east coast family so it'll be there before christmas morning.
which sometimes it isn't.
just so you all know, i'm a perpetual procrastinator.
it's closely linked to the post office, but i'm unsure of the exact correlation.
if i will be present for the exchanging of gifts i always have what i need on time.
so why can't i get things in the mail???
I have some sort of subconcious aversion to the post office which prevents me from executing the proper plan of action.

that was a cool sentence.

so anyway.
guess i'll go work on those pesky christmas cards.
and that pesky shower thing.
that makes me a bit melancholy...
i used to love showering.
now i dread it.
and the wrestling match that accompanies it.

fuck me gently wtih a chainsaw.

well merry f'n christmas

there's bbq sauce on my fucking keyboard.
i go away for one day and this is what happens??

par for the course, ma frens, par for the course.
a day in the life of me.
expect the unexpected.
etc etc etc (say it like yule brenner in the king and i)

so i mostly had fun doing my christmas shopping yesterday.
got sicker from the effort of it, pathetically enough.
i mean good lord.
this is ridiculous.
we keep joking that i have SARS, but i'm starting to wonder if i have pneumonia or something.
i used to be so tough.
i know it's hard to believe, what with all the whining, but it's true.
i can almost remember what it was like to be tough...
what i can't figure out is just exactly what changed, and when.
when did i become a whiner???

my fingers are melting the dried on bbq sauce and it's starting to be sticky.
why didn't it get wiped off before it dried?
how the hell did it get on here to begin with??
these are only a few of the unanswered questions that come after the boys are home with dad for the day.

have i mentioned lately how fantastic my husband is, though?
i mean, i bitch about him here and there, but i don't really talk about how great he is nearly often enough.
he is.
he does all sorts of nice things for me all the time.
and he's so good in bed it makes my toes curl, or my hair or something.
he should seriously teach seminars.
it's just fun to vent here sometimes.

time to go attend to the chilluns.
be well...

Sunday, December 21, 2003

well, well, well...

I'm off to see the wizard.
that's not it...
I'm off to....oh yeah! Christmas shop.

I may have mentioned before how nice it is to shop on Sundays in Utah county.
pretty quiet scene.

if you haven't checked out Kat's erotica...head on over to her new bedtime stories blog. makes fantasy fridays look like an after school special!! good stuff.

i think i have leprosy.
or at least eczema.
it is so ugly.
just one little spot on each arm.
could be worse.

speaking of things which could be worse...
twin B has eyeball oooze now.
i don't think it's conjunctivitis, cuz his eyes aren't pink.
but it's gunk alright.

since when did this become the "talk about as many foul bodily functions as possible" blog????
good god.
lord almighty.
this is getting ridiculous.
this is not what you people come for!
you come to be stimulated, uplifted, entertained, turned on, disgusted, annoyed, watered, fed, burped, laundered, deep fried, distilled, licked, peeled, chewed up, spit out, turned inside out!!!!

....or cuz you've already read all your favorite blogs and still have a few minutes left on your lunch break.
but, hey, i'll take what i can get.

one more bodily function paragraph, then i'm done.
i promise.
at least for today....
i took some of that insipid dayquil because i was sick of blowing my nose--and it's chafing so bad it's starting to bleed.
so now it's just dripping a little but it's all dried up inside so i can't force any air through to actually BLOW the damn thing.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that.

i mean, really.
whoever invented cold symptom suppressors ought to be skinned alive and left to rot in the sun.

or whoever didn't stop me from drinking out of my sick son's glass immediately follow him on that fateful day two weeks ago.
fucking moron.
i am.
and knowing is half the battle...
according to GI Joe, at least.
smart man.

wish me luck...

Saturday, December 20, 2003

here i am

cuz where the fuck else would i be??

not christmas shopping.
like i'm supposed to be doing.
but here.

it's okay.
i'm kind of dreading the shopping scene on the LAST SATURDAY BEFORE X-MAS!!
this place is insane.
(with the wrong kind of people)
you'd think i'd be used to it after ten years...
not me!
i refuse to adapt to my surroundings!!
bitch and moan, cuss and fight every step of the way.
makes for a more interesting existence...

hubby's helping his brother move into a new house today, so my shopping plans have to be put on hold.

this morning we were laying in bed and heard our garage door open.
hubby jumps up and looks out our window, which is right above the driveway.
okay, so i was still asleep for the most part and just ignored the goings on, but later he told me.
there was a car driving slowly past, with a woman pointing a garage door opener at our garage.
he thinks she was scoping out places to burgle.
so we had to unhook the automatic part of the garage door and lock it.

hubby just called to see if i would watch the two year old daughter of his most anal brother.
she's soooo cute and i wouldn't mind at all, but we're still sick enough that i don't think they'd want to risk it.
and he's mad that i wouldn't go along with tricking them into leaving her here.
i do want him to get home as soon as possible, but i could not knowingly infect anyone else with this nasty virus. and you know if a 2 year old spends a few hours in a house of disease she'll catch it--they put stuff in their mouths.
he didn't think we were still sick.
i'm still dripping snot at an comparable rate to the flow of niagra falls, and my cough has just taken on a new twist--a sharp pain in my right temple that travels down my neck.
so yes, sherlock, we're still fucking sick.

sorry had to vent.
that's the risk of answering phone calls mid-blog.

and of course i'll end up looking like the bitch.
"she won't do it." "she said no"

is someone grouchy this morning??
yes, in fact, someone is grouchy.
is that all fucking right with you?
hope not.
cuz then i can blast you.
hey, better you than the hubby.

cuz i love him.
and i don't even know you.
well, some of you i sort of know, and i wouldn't really want to be mean to you.
but it's fun to just light into people sometimes...
for no reason.
fire the help on a whim.
okay, okay, so i lapsed into my Dynasty persona for a minute there.
i don't like being mean or bitchy or ornery or any of that.

but i do need to go shower.
and that should be a treat.
kids have discovered the harass mom in the shower game.
it's a fun one.
including a shivering wet me and a whining pulling on the shower curtain child (or two).
i usually lose.

fuckity fuck.
tis the season to be fucking ornery.
ooh, maybe that's why i'm so grouchy.
well, hopefully the mr. isn't too mad to service me later.
that should cheer me up.
that is, if i can pull my head out of my ass soon enough to make room for him to work.

Friday, December 19, 2003

what's the deal, people?

what--do you all have LIVES or something?
god damn you all to an everlasting fiery hell of eternal damnation.
and stuff.

i guess i can't complain.
i go out a lot more than some people with kids.
it's just that i want to go out every single night.
it's never enough.
i'm insatiable, you might say.
nah, i'm glad to not be a party girl.
my place is here with my little nuglets.
but still.
hubby's going out without me tonight.
guess i'll have to stay here and surf for porn, free music and scour the earth for chatt buddies who are also enormous lame asses because they're home on a friday night.
maybe all us lame asses with "no life" will have a chat room orgy while all you folks are at bars listening to other people's jukebox selections, losing at pool, getting turned down by all the girls you bought drinks for, and peeing on your own foot in the dimly lit bar restroom....YOU will be missing out, ma frens.

missing out.

take me with you!!
let me out of this suburban nightmare!


all better.

i have meaning to add a couple of new links for a while. Theodora's Box is a wonderful read. If you're not reading it already, check it out. she's funny and all that good stuff. Then there's Belle de Jour...who is a London call girl. she's very down to earth, and gives just the right amount of detail when describing her work day.

wish me luck--one hour forty five minutes til bed time....ugh....

Fantasy Friday

it's your birthday and i wanted to surprise you.
you're surprised.
you were not expecting this...

we surround you.
the other girls and I.
soft music and candle light are part of the scene, but we take center stage in our silky bits of nothing.
we each take turns licking, touching, kissing,
and each other...
soft skin...oil makes us slip and slide...
moaning, panting...
to the grand finale...

happy birthday, blog.

almost nap time...

at which point i'll write something good for fantasy friday.
but first....
a beautiful, if coerced, blog birthday wish from the internet icon himself, Boz!

thank you boz!!!!

is that a marble in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

that's what i thought.

we had a great evening yesterday.
i had forgotten how fun fine dining is.
it was a lovely time...

then we decided to swing by my husband's office with his brother to decide which metallica shows to go to.
hubby's trooper died in an intersection.
thank god for cell phones...
called brother who flipped a u-turn and came back so they could push it into a parking lot.
our mechanic will go get it today and fix it.
he owes us cuz we gave him a car...
that was shitty.
but not in the same stomache dropping, panic striken way it used to be...
back when i was single and broke and too independent to ask for so much as a ride to work.
god that was awful.
now, it's no big deal.
we'll fix it.
or buy a new one.
they say money can't make you happy but i beg to differ.
obviously it goes deeper than that, but it helps.

so we chose three dates and locations and bought $1000 of metallica tickets for the 4 of us.
yeeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwww!!!!
i can't believe i'm finally going to see them!!
they're touring the western us and canada in march.
we're going to the Vegas show--HELL YEAH!!
and the Boise and Spokane shows.
they're not coming to Salt Lake.
so far.
I bet they'll add a last minute date like they did last time.
all i know is i'm excited.

it's so funny.
i don't look like a girl who would like Metallica.
people are always surprised.
fuck em.

ha! i just remembered i had a dream about Metallica last night!!
that i met them.
it was cool.

i can't believe this stupid flu has kept me out of the gym for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!
right before new year's eve, no less.
how am i supposed to make jaws drop if i'm all flabby???
oh well.
at least i've had no appetite so it'll probably even out.

is today friday?
aw shit.
in the time it took me to think that, and type it, i remembered that today is the one year anniversary of my blog, and as i was writing that, i remembered that it's Fantasy Friday.
i'm way behind.
i'll get on it....

Thursday, December 18, 2003

look at all the love!

i'm gone for one day and i am inundated with love.
big wet kisses and a courtesy mooning for everyone!

i was at The Lord of the Rings Return of the King.
what can i say?
beautiful, wonderful, breathtaking.

and my little tasmanian devils were even well behaved and "cute" according to my sister in law who was watching them.

just a quick stop before heading off to the company christmas dinner...
well, the genetics research company that my brother in law is the CEO of, and he has my husband doing their network support so that he can get a percentage of the company and we'll all be millionaires together. ha.
anyway, should be fun.
gotta find something to wear...
something nice.
don't feel like dressing up right now.
i feel like crawling into bed and filling another whole box of tissues with the mucus from my lungs.

i think someone should invent an anti-viral cough, Lysol and Hall's should work on it. you suck on the thing and it kills all the germs in your mouth so that when you cough, you're not spreading the shiz around.


it could work.
you bunch of nay sayers.

i feel all fuzzy from the dayquil that i finally freaking got around to buying.
i'm just so damn sick of being sick at this point.

and i keep getting horny, but i don't have the energy to carry out any of my intentions.
especially for the mr.
he's getting a little wild eyed and needy.
i keep shoving the porn and lotion at him, but that only works for just so long.
poor fella.

buh bye.......

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

so what the fuck?

went out with the girls for a drink last night.
drank water.
still feel like ass, or the rough equivalent thereof in sickness terms.
we had a good time anyway.

friday is the one year anniversary of my very first post.
swit swoo.
i'll probably forget.
and i would advise you all to do the same.
nothing good could possibly come of it...

i've been grumpily dozing off and on all day.
grumpily because of the frequent interuptions.
damn kids.
what do they expect from me??

sometimes i am a grumpy old man.
today is one of those days.
also a crotchety old bitch.
grumply old man.
they should get together and have some wrinkly, slow and easy lovin, then maybe they'd cheer up.
now i'm all sorts of confused because i'm both of them...
so scrap that idea.
maybe i'll just go knit a scarf, or grumble about the president's morals (that watergate scandal sure did get him out of office though) or mumble to myself how great that new Charlie Chaplin movie was last night...
but no one will care.
no one here to listen.
i'm all alone.
with my cats.
and my corded telephone.
a vcr those idiot grandchildren of mine got for me.
and a bladder that just doesn't listen anymore.
god damn it.

i'll probably be one of those old folks who refuses to believe she's old...
i'll get all slutted out and go the bar.....
with my tits dragging on the floor.
chain smoking.
hitting on 50 year olds and calling them "sonny".

well, now that i have THAT to look forward to...

anyone want to play russian roulette?
how bout we make it interesting and load all the chambers but one?

i'm scrambling around trying to find a babysitter so i can go to the new Lord of the Rings tomorrow with my husband's office. the big thing around here (since there are a lot of technology businesses here) is for the office christmas party to include the rental of a theater to watch the latest star wars or lord of the rings movie. i'm all for it. then i don't have to wait in a long line OR pay.
which are two things i'd gladly give up for lent any day of the week.

anyone seen Quills?
i know it's a few years old, but i just saw it.
loved it.
although i wasn't too keen on the whole priest having sex with a corpse thing...good thing it was just his fantasy...??? eek. that sort of creeped me out. magine that.

speaking of icky sexual stuff...
i have a friend who knew a girl in college who would let her pussy cat lick her, um, pussy cat...if you get my drift, wink wink. um.
how does that NOT cross the line of bestiality??
i just realized i'm going to get some strange google hits off this whole post...

oh well.

i'm hungry again.
and tired still.
so i think i'll go eat and sleep.
maybe i'll even shower.
this 4pm showering habit i've gotten into is getting a bit ridiculous.
if you got something to say about it, then i have a message for you: piss up a rope.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Tuesday afternoon is neverending...

i got a whole ton of christmas cards yesterday (i'm not kidding--they weighed hundreds of pounds each!)
and once again i'm beseiged by that guilty feeling...
the voices in my head are shouting, "get off your fat ass and send some christmas cards you pathetic waste of flesh!!"
they're emotionally abusive and i know i should leave them, but they love me...i need them...i'm nothing without them...
I might just do it this year.
just thinking about it makes me giddy in anticipation of destroying one of my evil, slothful habits.

i can't believe it'll be Christmas in just over a week!
and new year's a week later...
we still don't know what we're doing.
something big.
something fun.
something which requires a new, gorgeous dress.

dreamed about someone really obscure last night.
someone i haven't thought about in years.
well, that's not true.
it was strip poker guy.
and he looked horrible...skinny, stringy hair, a moustache!!

you know what's weird about hindsight?
it really is 20/20...
i mean, everything looks so different, so clear...
like, wondering why a certain guy didn't make more of a play for me.
back then i was this girl...
this girl that all the guys wanted.
the sweet, churchy young one, the wild long haired musician ones, the chef with his own set of knives who took me to the ballet, the recently divorced one and the one i always thought was just a friend...
i knew it, i loved it.
it seemed that i still couldn't get the one i wanted.
the one i really wanted.
the one i couldn't even admit i wanted because he was so dangerous.
the one with a girlfriend.
that i didn't know about in time to do me any good.
but now that i look back on him and some of the choices he made after i knew him...
it seems he had lower self esteem than i guessed.
i thought he was beautiful, confident, above it all.
turns out he was a scared little kid like the rest of us.

i had a habit of putting boys on pedastals, now that i think of it...
i always assumed they were everything i saw in them.
i blurred the image, made them into gods.
this was a reflection of my own insecurity, i suppose.
(an insecurity that was magnified by the two years i spent at stupid ass Brigham Young University, getting ignored.)
(fucking mormons.)

so here's my dilemma of the week...
i am DYING to go back to the gym.
but the kids (and I) still have coughs and runny noses.
they're better than i am, but i just hate the idea of spreading this to more people.
damn conscience.

Monday, December 15, 2003

ramble on...

now all my coughing has turned into a rather productive affair.
you know, I had never actually coughed something all the way UP before.
and i don't plan on doing it again.
way too much like puking...but with that pleasant hint of, je ne sais quois...oh yeah--SNOT.

so, who's hungry?

maybe i'll go take a shower.
have a nap.
write a story.
my heart is not in this today.

why not?
perhaps because i haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week and i've coughed a hole in my esophogus, as well as the one time i coughed so hard i swear i got a hernia...or at least pulled a groin girls even HAVE groins???

i just want to feel less stupidified.
is that a word?
well, yeah, i wrote it, so it must mean something.
why is it so taboo to make up one's own words??
i think it's fun.
and shows creative thinking.
and i think that if you can't figure out a damn homemade word, you're probably too stupid to be walking around unchaperoned.
well, maybe you're good at math, but for god's sake, put on a helmet!!

damn my life to hell.
why have i not showered yet?
is it because i'm a fucking idiot?
there's a good chance that's it.

i wonder what the difference is between being a fucking idiot and fucking an idiot....
i mean, the real difference. because if you're fucking an idiot, doesn't that sort of make you an idiot??
i don't know.
riddle me, baby!

sorry for the crappy-arse post...
i plan to bounce back like rubbermaid or tigger or pamela anderson's tits....
and when i do--hold on to your piercings, it's going to be a crazy ride!!!

just finished a stupid project

and now i am going to sleep.
got my ass chewed for not taking the 4 wheel drive vechicle to my brother's lives up a mountain and it was supposed to start snowing "any minute".
and it did.
precisely which minute, i didn't catch. (got my ass chewed for that too)
fuck meterologists.
fuck snow.
and my stupid car wouldn't go up the hill leading away from his driveway.
thank godliness i have cool brothers.
cuz i'm a dummy sometimes.
i know how to drive in the snow, and i don't mind it sooo much, but there's something about getting down that mountain that freaks me right the fuck if i get too much momentum going, i'll just turn into one of those cartoon snowballs that's 800 feet tall....hey, it's possible.

so i left my car there and hitched a ride with our other brother.
do you think i got my ass chewed for that?
hell yes.

so then i got home and had 7 hours of work left on this stupid project.
fucking procrastinator.
(got my ass chewed for that too...pretty damned chapped at the moment...)

Friday, December 12, 2003

thank GOD it's Friday

I mean seriously.
although, i don't know which is worse...
having the husband here, or not.
he was NOT helpful this week.
and i'm mad at him for that.
he did nothing to relieve my burden of caring for two sick kids while trying to get well myself.

i won't bore you with the details.
and not because i care about your entertainment welfare--but because i can't remember them.

now that i have that off my chest i can get on with it.

i'm feeling particularly un-witty

i hate it when i sit down to write and all i can think is gray.
gray sights, gray sounds, gray smells....
fuck it all!!
just fuck it.
where the fuck is my muse??
probably scuttling around in the walls with my mouse.
or out having a drink with my girlfriends.
or crawling under my husband's desk to blow him.
or curled up in MY bed watching my favorite movie.
or taking a bubble bath, listening to opera, touching herself...
damn muse.

sweet baby sleeping in my lap while i type.
his skin so smooth and perfect.
his fingers delicate and tiny,
while his brother's hands are big, boyish.
his little ears so soft and sweet.
his breathing still ragged
his perfect little nose still stuffy...
his lashes long against his cheek.
my little bear cub.

Fantasy Friday

I decided to be the aniti-Lisa and post this early.
I'm shocked myself, but i figure, with the week i've had, if i don't do it now I won't get it up at all. (and if I don't get it up, how will you get it up? insert evil grin...)

oh yeah, and i've added a new section to the sidebar to archive all the Fantasy Friday posts.


we're sitting in the dark, watching a movie.
you ask if i'd like a blanket....
mention your roommates are all camping for the weekend...
the cheap wine has made my head light, my fear of rejection disappear.
we laugh at the bad jokes, then almost without warning, that three star comedy turns into a three X porn...
I touch the scar on your jaw,
you lean close with your whole body,
and take my breath away with a kiss to only be matched by my first.
and in this moment i forget that first kiss and the heartbreak that came later.
i forget my name, your name, and all the rules i've ever learned.
you smell like a man and laugh like a boy.
under that blanket...
in a dark, warm tangle of limbs and discarded clothing...
skin sliding over skin...
breathing, touching, kissing...

and i'm whole again.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

4 days later...

haven't worn a bra in 4 days.
haven't left the house in 4 days.
haven't cooked dinner in 4 days.

being sick ain't so bad.

isn't it weird how whenever the worst of something passes, you all of a sudden forget how bad it was? sometimes, for fun, i try to remind myself of that while i'm in the throes of something really heinous, but it doesn't really do any good...I just end up mad at myself for bringing it up. "who cares if i'll feel better when it's over??? it's not over yet!!!".... i have a complex set of voices in my head...

i am proud to say i did shower every day, and brush my teeth, and do the dishes.
not bad for a zombie.

and i just realized i haven't been to the gym all week, either. i hate that. but, i had a hard enough time getting off the couch to answer the phone, so i don't think i would have made it very far into my workout. like, one sit up...or more like, i would have laid down to do my sit ups and fallen asleep on the mat. i miss it. how frigging pathetic is that?

my nose is going to fall off.
which actually wouldn't bother me much cuz then i could get a new one.
i used to hate my nose with a fiery passion.
it's been a long time since i gave a shit about that, but still.
if it falls off, i'd sort of be forced to get a new one...
or I could just be that freak--
"look! it's the lady with no nose!!"
no thanks.

my latest spam attack is from people selling "collectibles".
why the FUCK would i even be remotely interested in buying that shit?
enlarge my penis?
herbal viagra?
mail order bride from former soviet state?
never know...
they insult me.
i have enough shit already.
why would i want more?
that's right.
i wouldn't.
unless it's shit i want...
yeah, i'm fickle.

my lungs are still rattling like an old jallopy.
and all the food i eat tastes like cardboard.

my husband has this strange fascination with The Price is Right.
could just be the oddly maternal Barker's babes...
could be he has a thing for men with white hair...
most likely, though, he's just a dork.
so he was watching it this morning while getting ready for work.
and i can't watch that without thinking of happy gilmore.
that's a sad state of affairs.

free time's up. have a great thursday. and stay flu free.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

anyone in the market to buy a child??

good lord.
twin b is about to get himself shipped off to reform school or an orphanage or something.
i feel so bad for him, cuz i know exactly how crappy he feels, but.
he's also being a 3 year old.
and that should be a felony.

at least twin a is being sweet. for now.

Okay, that's the end of the griping for today. hopefully. i'm making no promises.

so, Mark, the original McBlogger, tried to help me figure out some more of my stupid template issues last night, and we didn't really get anywhere. we did discover, much to his delight, that my husband has a server which could be hosting my site. this amused him to no end. so, maybe there will be a new url in my future...but i'm feeling just a tad bit on the lazy side for now. i mean, i like the simplicity of my url and the comfortably sluggish feel of not changing things (this feeling does not extended to my underwear, socks, or any of my clothes for that matter. why i feel the need to clarify that is uncertain.) so i'll probably leave it for a while.

i'm all burned out on change.
which is marginally better than being a burn out begging for change...

ah sweet bliss, they're sleeping.
both of my dear, sweet little monsters.
nothing beats that.
those little sillies. i love them about 83 times as much when they're sleeping.
is that bad?
okay, so i don't usually feel that way, just when i'm sick. or hungover.

i'm hungry.

wow, it's 3 o'clock. time flies when you're...uh, miserable??

know what's weird about alka seltzer plus cold/flu crap?
first it makes me really hot, then it makes me really cold and i can't warm up.
but at least i don't feel like shit...??
and cottonmouth.

oh well. it could be worse.
believe it or not, i'm walking on air i never thought i could feel this wa-a-ay
sailing along on a wing and a prayer
believe it or not it's just me

did i just burst into song?
and furthermore, was it the theme song from The Greatest American Hero?
that's almost as embarassing as quoting a line from Full House, in reference to Kimmi Gibler, last night on Boz's message board thingie.
anyway, what the hell was my point?
believe it or not--what? what was i going to say when i got side tracked by that song??? um. oh yeah!
believe it or not, i used to never ever complain about pretty much anything.
but why dwell on the past?

happy frickin hump day, everyone.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

scenes from a shower...

and, sadly, no they're not THAT kind of scene.

aw fuck.

started out with a decent post and this god dman fucking piece of shit mouse of mine made me exit out of the program and it always politely asks if i'd like to save this post before exiting, and i stupidly push "ok" every time, hoping against fucking hope that it'll actually save. it doesn't. hell no. why would it do that? that would be just so beyond meeting my expectation that i'd die of shock. the fucking pathetic ridiculous part of it is that all of these little half posts i've lost the same way are probably all hanging out in some strange (or even not so strange) little directory together. just munching on chips, smoking a marlboro, waiting for me to come get them, waiting for their cue. their day in the sun. their moment to shine. and i never come. god, they must be getting so lonely, and tired and their fingers must be all greasy from the chips and tar stained and the ashtrays are probably all full and what if they run out of smokes and--lord have mercy--what if the mother fucking dip runs out and---

fuck me.

no, not you.

but jesus.


not him either.


do you know who i miss?

beavis and butthead.

does this make me sick, or strange or pathetic or trashy or...?

i don't care.

i hope it means i'm all those things....cuz then i'd have something to blame. (sorry i'm so _____, it's just i love beavis and butthead. yeah, i know. i used to be normal, but ever since those big headed, shorts wearing idiots walked into my life, i've sort of fallen on hard times, personality-wise at least.)

good lord.

i'm on fire.

and i don't mean my writing, i mean, fu-uuuck, would someon please dump some water on me cuz i'm too tired to stop drop and roll.......

okay, so i'm probably a bit doped up. but so what.

i deserve a good high now and then.


what do you think of the new digs?
kind of girly. but strong.
just like me.

i would like to offer a big ole thank you to Jess, who helped me work out the last of the bugs. well, now i'm trying to resolve the resolution issue, but it's not going smoothly...magine'll all be fixed soon. promise. if it's not, i'll post boobie shots. well, no, actually I won't. but maybe i'll cry.

we're still a bunch of mucus monsters, so that's it for now. more soon.

Here i am with the aforementioned "more". it's not that soon, but really it's all relative, smart ass. so get off my back. unless you want my flu cooties, then by all means, jump on and let's go for a roll.

speaking of which...the idea i had for a sore throat remedy? totally didn't work. dammit.

so i was sitting on the couch with twin b, hacking a beautiful melody of dueling respiratory failure...when i heard one of the mousetraps snap shut.


make that a double EW. (heh, a double ewe...a 'w' oh god i'm laughing which makes me hack......that wasn't actually funny, but what the hell? oops. i'm still inside a parentheses...i feel all safe and cozy in here. wanna make out? no one will see us, we're inside the parentheses! come on, don't be shy, reach on under my shirt. there ya go. ooh, your tongue is pierced...nice...oh shit, here comes someone, hide!!)

so here's the question of the day: am i crazier sick or well?
and why in the bloody hell am i still a huge perv??
i can't even talk but i can make lewd comments.
what a fucking weird word that is.
it's too much like newt.
and gingrich is too much like grinch.
and grinch, well, that's like cinch.
which means easy,
which means slut,
which brings us full circle, to

yee haw.

see, oh readers of fat free milk, that is a word association game done right. biotches. (you tried, Kevynn, but no one was playing. well some people were. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm not responsible for my thoughts/words/actions/odors at this point. too much mucus.)

my dad used to watch hee haw. which i just realized is not the same thing as yee haw.


crying children. eek. later.

okay, i'm back. and why do i keep editing one post instead of making new ones?
good question.

their game of the day is this: lay quietly watching movie/dozing. see mommy, ask to be held. as soon as i get settled with one boy the other starts crying so pitifully, that he wants to be held. so, i say we'll take turns. he continues to cry until it his turns. at which point the other one starts crying. and so it goes.

they refuse to both be held at the same time. i mean, granted, they're bigger than i am, i mean, enough so it wouldn't really work well, but still. jeeezum crow.

not to keep going on about my silly illness...but i keep coughing and getting stuck halfway, so i can't breathe until i cough again. it makes me feel all claustrophic and panicky.

Monday, December 08, 2003

here's my new template

i am still trying to tweak some things, but this is it for now. it was surprisingly easy...why the hell isn't my google banner ad showing?? not that i mind, but...

things are looking up...

and as long as they're not looking up my skirt, i believe that's a good thing.

i'm attempting to switch templates, because this one is starting to make me nauseous.

or maybe that's just the flu...

but whatever.

my eyes hurt from the back, my whole body aches, my feet are freezing (where the hell are my slippers??) and i would gladly "swallow" if it would lubricate my throat just a tad.....


i have two sleeping children, so i must blog.

it's a compulsion, i am not in control.

i am really excited about the template i chose, but i'll probably fuck it up somehow. AND i should probably not do anything with it until looking at it with non-fever hazed eyes....

nah, i'm being dramatic. i'm feeling lots better.....still wretched, but coherant...

Oh yeah, and there are two blogs that i am adding to my sidebar, due to their utter fabulousness (i know it's a fake word--bite me). I think many of you already read Sahalie, who is such a gifted writer--her words are poetic and soft and beautiful, but if you haven't been there, you're missing out. And then there is JJ at See Thru Skin, who is also a true writer, an artist. He's a muscian, too, so if it weren't for his vegetarianism and dislike for the Matrix...well, i just might have to start sending him naked pictures of myself on an hourly basis...*wink*

I'm amazed that such talented folks would read my bitching, ranting silliness.

the flu monster laid seige to our house...

I never get sick.

but here i am.

sick as a dog.

and just what in the hell does that mean?? some of these stupid expressions we use are so...uh, stupid.

fever, chills.

hacking cough.

sore throat.

i don't really mind it. it reminds me that i'm human after all.

kooky, fever induced dreams last night...

so last night, twin A said in the sweetest little voice, "are all the friggin cookies gone mom?"

i feel myself losing ground on this uphill battle on the slippery slope of White Trash Valley...

we watched yet another of the world's worst movies last night--it's becoming a dirty, dirty habit.

"Panic Room"

damn! i'm about to give up altogether....

time to go lay on the couch and feel miserable. woo hoo!

Sunday, December 07, 2003

the little faggot is a millionaire....

so this morning, just as i was waking, my husband rolled over and said, sincerely, sweetly, "i love you."

i said, "you're a faggot."

mm hmm.

have i ever mentioned i hate mornings?

i just can't make my mouth work properly when i first wake. i can think clear--if pissy--thoughts, but words are a bit of an issue.

oh well. at least now he has something to tease me about....

i'm at a friend's house watching football.

that's sick and wrong--not to be confused with thick and long...(my favorite corny joke of them all)

but mostly i'm drinking a lot and attempting to learn this sneaky programmer's way to download songs. that's right. fuck you to all the law suits and all the paid sites. see, i'm a person who doesn't buy music. never have, probably never will. but when i want a song, god dammit, i better be able to listen to it. and NOW. so this is it. hopefully i'll be able to figure it out.

AND i made blueberry sorbet for us health concious folks...and chocolate cookies wrapped around mint chocolate kisses for the kids.

have i told you lately that i love you? or dessert, at least. god!!! i could live on sugar. well, sadly, no, i couldn't, but i would like to. it makes me happy. until it hits my system with all the fury of a long island ice tea hitting the liver of a dialysis patient. damn heredity. damn psychosomatic illnesses...i think i'm going to be diabetic sometime in my future, therefore i have sugar issues. dumb girl.

and as far as ditching the kids to come here...could not have gone any worse. twin b forgets he's potty trained for a minute, twin A hears the newly arrived babysitter ask me if he's "puking sick" or just a cold...i say, oh no, he's not puking. not two beats later, hurlage. dammit. lucky for me the girl is either desperate enough for cash or nice enough that she stayed anyway. kids.

also, i should note that i bought Pirates of the Carribean last night at wally world. impulse buy. love that show. love those hot sexy pirates. fell asleep halfway through anyway. damn flu/cold/pms stuff. oh well.

want a lung? cuz i just coughed one up, and it's for sale....

Friday, December 05, 2003

fantasy friday take two

you better sleep with your bedroom window unlocked tonight.

so i can climb in and rock you to sleep.

skin against skin.

and when you wake it'll be to the soft stream of sunshine through the winow and the warm wet feel of my tongue...

did you think i forgot?


well, you thought right. it totally slipped my mind. (that reminded me of that great kids in the hall sketch where the guy borrows some "videos" from a co worker and keeps not bringing them back. love that show)

what with all the running around and "working" and it being "husbands day" or something...totally weird. saw my sister in laws' husband, my babysitter's husband, an old friend's husband, and a current friend's husband. and two old friends (women). it was downright freaky. that's what i get for going to the office...

and i was just noticing another piece of evidence of my laziness...the scratched, peeling toenail polish i haven't made even the slightest effort to remove. every time i see my toes i cringe at their hideous appearance. then i promptly forget about it as i am sidetracked by the more pressing tasks of doing nothing and resting, alternately...

oh yeah, and i was just here, and it reminded me that i finally watched a whole episode of The Simple Life.

and here's my take: yeah, she's gorgeous in a super model way--as in, not real, and not attractive in a real way, if that makes any sense. but if she at least had a good personality i could deal. it's mind blowing how clueless they are. they worked for 6 hours before hitting the hot tub and taking a nap on the couch. and were not ashamed to admit that it was the hardest they had ever worked. good lord. i mean, i'm sure paris had so few calories to burn that she was exhausted, on that level, but still. it sickened me, honestly. i am a woman who worked from the day i was old enough, and college i worked two jobs, summers i usually booked about 70-80 hours a week. on my feet. serving food to asshole tourists at nice restaurants. true, it's no dairy farm, but a 12 hour day on one's feet is still a 12 hour day on one's feet. anywho. my next favorite part was the cutely shy local boys shuffling their feet and not talking. so cute. but those girls seem so unwilling to make any sort of effort. even the work thing--it's a month of your life, you dumb bitches, look at it as an adventure, not torture, because YOU chose it. YOU. not us. we all have to work every day for the rest of our pathetic lives and we don't even complain as much as you did after your ONE day.

i'll be tuned in religiously, though.

hell yeah.

also, to any of you who guessed that my tatoo is a rose on my ankle. shame on you. shame. for thinking i am THAT type of woman. and to anyone who guessed that i would get up and strip...shame on you for thinking i am--well, let's face it, i am THAT kind of girl...but only to music i like and that does not include country tunes....

so....fantasy time.

settle back, take a deep breath...and prepare to get rocked...or rolled...(actually, it's a long one and it's not as good as the first one. yum to that.)


driving along, in the pouring rain, i see a pair of hazard lights flashing on the shoulder. It's late, and I know it's not generally considered smart for a young woman to pull over to help a stranger in the dark, on a back road. But, i have a good feeling about it, and i have done well to trust my insticts in the past, so i stop and get out. a white cadillac STS with new york plates. I rap on your window, and wait for you to roll it down.
"Need some help?"
" a cell isn't getting signal..." you look a little embarassed, and i assume you don't know how to change it. i smile.
"Yeah, the service out here sucks. If you have a spare and a jack, I can change it for you."
"oh. um. well." you get out of the car and head for the trunk. we find what we need and i get to work. you hold an umbrella over me as i work, watching closely, intent on learning. we joke about the fact that you never learned this skill, and i tell you how i was forced to figure it out once on a similarly lonely stretch of back road as a new driver. you are older than i thought at first, around 40, and i am strangely 21 I have just learned the upperhand belongs always to the woman. power--i'm drunk on it. I am just getting started at this whole game of love, and fine tuning the art of seduction, so i take every opportunity to test my skills.
you begin to thank me, asking what you can do to repay me, and i brush off your words, with a soft, killer smile and a "no problem..." i lean close, closer than necessary, as i place the jack in your trunk.
"how bout a drink?" i say, locking your gaze and noticing the shocking green of your eyes for the first time.
"um...y-y-yeah..." you stutter, as the phermone drenched vibes i'm sending hit their mark. as comprehension dawns in your face, i decide i can't wait any longer and step closer, so our faces are just inches apart. "forget the drink," i say, daring you to make the first move. you kiss me gently, hesitantly, until i respond so forcefully it knocks the breath out of you. we stumble into the large backseat of your cadillac and begin tearing at each other's clothes as we continue to kiss. "i feel like a kid again..." you moan into my ear as you slide on home...we steam up those windows in grand style, leaving wet footprints on the ceiling, and being grateful for leather seats... you show me that age can mean experience and that was something i had never imagined could matter so much...and then as i search for my bra, i see a family photo stuck in your visor.
"kim? oh god. you're kim's dad. oh shit. what are you doing here?" my best friend's parents had divorced when we were in kindergarten and her dad had moved to new york. she went to visit him every summer, but i hadn't seen him in 15 years. "well. welcome home, Mr. Reid."
" you must be Rachel? well isn't this a little awkward...." you trail off, with the beginnings of worry on your face. I climb back onto your lap and kiss your neck, trailing my fingers along your perfectly contoured chest. "the welcoming committee usually just brings a pie or a casserole, but i think i like this version..." you trail off with a smile and i reach inside your recently zipped pants... "watch out, or i'll make you do it again."

this housewife is AT WORK today

what a bizarre little oxymoron that is...

but it's true.

i'm doing some data entry for my husband's company, where i was a programmer before i had the chitlins.

they pay me half what i used to earn, and it's drone work, but it's perfect for me.

nedra is the only one who would remember when i started doing this...she's my longest reader. but we'll get to that later. see, i'm coming right up on my one year blog-iversary, and i'm going to make it a really special day. (say "special" with a lisp, if you would please...) She was the first person EVER to leave me a comment, too. anyway, back on, this "job" (add derisive snort) is barely a job. i get to work when i want, as much or as little as i want, and it's brainless, stress-less, fun-less...well, that's getting a bit ridiculous. so you see.

and usually when i do small projects for them i do it all from home.

but today i couldn't connect to the network and my husband's computer was freaking out too, so i had to come in. super duper fun.

bizzaro: my brother in law who moved to portland-ish was in my husband's office when i got here, just working away on his laptop. huh?? turns out he was flying back to portland form atlanta last night and missed his connection in salt lake, so he crashed with another of their brothers last night. how convenient. (yes, yes, say it like the church lady, you know you want to)

thank you for taking my dork-a-licious quiz....a friend sent me a quiz, which was waaay more boring than mine (favorite colors, movies, etc???blah) and i thought, what the hell, i'll do one for all my dear sweet readers. but of course, as is my way, i did not think it out carefully ahead of time, i just sort of puked out questions as they came to me, so it morphed from a "how well do you know me?" theme to a subjective "what if" theme, but whatever. if it was streamlined and well planned it wouldn't be mine, ya know? i am a carpet bagger, a boot strapper, a yankee

i just got a secret thrill of oneness with you all who blog from work. that, "i should be working but i'm doing THIS"

god bless us, every one. (more like god help us!! god save us...)

Thursday, December 04, 2003

take my quiz

come on, it'll be fun.

everyone's doing it.

oh, wait, not quizzes, audioblogs.

but take it anyway.

it'll rot your brain, put you to sleep or at least make you scratch your butt.

Take my Quiz on!

update: i just took the quiz and i missed one. so, yeah...good luck!

i think my blog was possessed

by some wayward slut spirit....

but i'm back in charge now.

and i'm sure i'll still have plenty of blushable things to say, so don't worry.

i watched another movie last night.

and this one is the second worst movie i've seen all week--maybe even tied for first.

Charlie's Angels II

dear lord.

the sand thing (sand? how bout SAD?) is that it could have been good, for what it was, if only they had not done such incredibly idiotic things like the opening stunt with the truck with a helicopter on the flatbed....that was so ridiculous that we almost turned it off right then. a smaller idiotic thing was when they were all helping the one girl move in to her new place and they got the call from bozley and rushed off to answer the call of duty...they had different outfits on when they arrived at the townsend agency. um. when, where, how???? fucking stupid.

my husband is officially grounded from making the netflix selections.

and the countdown is at 13 days.

if you know what i mean, then you know.

and if not, then i'm not going to tell you.'d probably just make fun of me.

i'll give you a has something to do with the florida city which is home to mickey mouse....and what flowers do in spring. (wink wink, Nedra)

i'm a huge dork.

bigger than any dork any of you has ever met.

i'm a bigger dork than the black cargo pants guy at Monique's office....

but i'm comfortable with that.

is everyone excited for fantasty friday?

i know i am.

i'll make it a good one.

which reminds me...the Mr. thinks it would be funny for me to post naked pictures of other women here and pretend it's me. i don't think that's funny. he doesn't understand that we're a classier group of folks than that.

sorry, i'm laughing so hard that i can almost not type...we're about as classy as styrofoam cups of beer at a wedding reception.

i am being haunted by the ghost of christmas past. or maybe it's just that mouse. one of the boys threw a little rubber ball and it rolled over my foot and i screamed like a drag queen. scared the shit out of him, and he wouldn't listen to my careful explanation that I was only reacting to the imaginary mouse that ran across my foot...

did i remember to get mouse traps yesterday?

come on, what do you think?

of course not.

because i love posting pictures but don't have anything pertinent...just a little good morning salute for you.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

a day off

kids at the sitters.

husband playing hookey (so i can play hook-er)

doing a little shopping, lunch out, etc.

nice surprise.

glad to see all the support for naked blogging...

got a weird email this morning from a reader. no one i know. asking me to write him about how bored i am. he thought it could be interesting. well...i guess if my posts are any indication, he's probably right. i don't write to strangers though.

got an even weirder one yesterday from a reader. with some strange picture. just kidding, i enjoyed that one you cute thing.

i'm at my husband's office right now, so i'm going to go. later dudes.

once upon a time...

in a glaxay far far away...

off to never never land...

happily ever after....

and all that jazz.

i was bored.

(magine that...)

and trying to take some pictures of cool stuff.

but none of them were coming out good.

so here's me.


so there.

am i a tease?

yes ma'am.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

jane says....

i've never been in love
don't know what it is
only knows if someone wants her
i want em if they want me

love that song.


what in the bloody hell do you think i have to write about since yesterday?
because how boring is my life?
that's right.
nothing and very.

saw a terrible movie last night.

i mean, awful. (almost as bad as that tv show, Cold Case--that is some shitty writing)

and it even had a zillion big names, which gave the false promise of non-suckiness.

View From the Top.

blaichlkvnjlsdk (that's me making a fake puking sound--see i'm a teenage boy)

that was probably the least funny movie i've ever seen, indluding dramas.

and tonight is the premiere of Paris Hilton goes green acres.

i'm ashamed to say i will be watching.

so...who has the holiday spirit?

raise your hands, come on, don't be shy...

yeah, that's what i thought.

me neither.

well fuckity fuck.

i'm so serious that i have nothing to say.

it's a beautiful, warmish sunny day.

i had a great workout.

my kids are being good.

and that's the story of my life.

the only things that change are the weather and my mood.

i could tell you about that time i made out with a girl.

or the time i gave a cop head to get out of a ticket.

or the time i tied a guy up and ruled his ass.

but sadly, none of those things have actually happened.

i need some drama in my life.

will one of you start a cyber affair with me so my husband will freak out and refuse to talk to me, sleep in the guest room and start talking to lawyers?

well...i could tell you about the time THAT happened.

minus the affair, cuz that was non existent. in the this world, at least.

but it was vividly real in hubby's mind. it sucked.

so maybe i better be careful what i wish for, eh? =)

i guess i could take some pictures.

maybe a little game of "name that obscure body part"...

okay, i'll go work on that....

Monday, December 01, 2003

just another manic depressive monday...

am i dating myself?

come on, you all know that song.

dating oneself...i used to think that sounded suspiciously masturbatory...

had a fan-fucking-tastic workout today.

ran my heart out.

and the father son hotties were there...sometimes i think one of them might be checking me out, then i'll think maybe the other one is...maybe i'm hallucinating. maybe one of these days i'm going to follow that little boy into the locker room and slip into the shower with him. what? just to borrow some soap...jeez, you guys are bunch of perverts.

why am i so preoccupied with sex lately??

I'M a bunch of perverts. not just one. i'm like 6 or 7--at least.

and do you want to know why? well...i have a theory.

it's a bit off the wall, but then, so am I.

i think i am a teenage boy, reincarnated...

think about it!

that could explain a LOT of things. like the affinity i have for pizza and girl on girl, the way the opposite sex makes me shy and horny all at the same the rather odd way i'm drawn to younger men and metal and speed (velocity not drug) and i come at the drop of a hat...err, the drop of some pants, at least...

oh, what do i know?

if i'm a teenage boy, i'm a mighty gay one. so much for that theory. i guess i'm just an ordinarily perverted woman. approaching 30--that's it!! 30 is when i woman is supposed to be at her sexual peak. well, woo hoo! i guess we can't dread the big three oh entirely...

so everyone should wish Nedra a huge congratulations on crossing the National Novel Writing Month finish line!! she's the greatest!!! I do think we should petition Chris Baty to change it to January though. i mean, november is just a terrible month....that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

good god will it ever end?

this weekend.

is it fucking monday yet???

how obvious is it that i've had a long and pukey weekend? day 5...

eh. we had fun last night. well, i did.

we had a welcome home party for our best friends and i drank just enough and lost all my money at poker and kicked ass at trivial pursuit and made a boy play pink floyd and zeppelin on his guitar and cooked up some mean jalapeno wontons and yaaaaaaaaaaaay for having best friends back in town.

so that was nice.

but overall, i'm just ready for a FUCKING break. (or a "fucking break", whichever...)

i really want to sell my children.

to a band of gypsies.

for five bucks.

might even throw in my husband.

his son was here all week and he had his cousin sleep over friday and spend the whole day saturday and i they fought a lot and ours cried a lot (you're fucking 7, could you please not cry more than my 3 year olds???) and now hubby's sick so i had to return grommet to mom, who lives about an hour away and i needed gas halfway there and discovered that the one card i had with me is expired so i had to write a check which meant i had to leave the kids in the car (locked the doors and hurried) for the 30 seconds it took to go inside...fuck.

AND there was a stupid accident so i was stuck in one spot for nearly 20 minutes.


and the worst part of the whole day.

i opened the cupboard under the sink to throw some trash in the trash can.

and i saw a little brown mouse run down the side of the can.

it was all in slow motion (not sure if that was because of the fear or the hangover).

and i let out a blood curdling scream.

i'm such a girl.

we live at the edge of our subdivision with only one small street between our house and a farm/its fields. full of mice, and it's winter. you do the math. still grosses me the fuck out.

so it's off to the mouse killing devices store. do they have one of those? i like the certainty of mouse traps: you know you caught the damn thing cuz it's still there, all squished and foul....(shudder). but i think i prefer the more sanitary guessing game of some kind of pellet that makes them wander off somewhere else to die. but i don't know. i want to KNOW it is/they are gone. i'm sure you're all on the edges of your seats, so i'll keep you posted on the mousecapades...


okay, time for something cheerful. um...still thinking. shit.'s about you play a little game of hide and go fuck yourself and i'll have something cheerful for you when you get back? either that or a bag of flaming poo at your front door.

well, that made me smile. hope you felt the cheer. (not the cheerleader, boys, just the cheer.) that reminds me, for some bizarre reason, that i have unconsumed liquore in the fridge. and also, i know how to spell liquor, but for some reaosn i 've suddenly learned how to not type.

must be a sign--au revoir, mes amies.

ah , french. maybe next i'll post in french.

and i'm going to get all crazy on your asses and try that audio blog thingy soon.

i didn't want to look like a boz/malone copy cat, but since the homepage of blogger is pushing it right now, i figure i can say i got the idea there. hey, we'll all know i'm lying, but who gives a shit? it's a don't ask don't tell sort of thing, okay? and did i say i was leaving? what? you bored already or somethin? im' just getting started (only i still can't mother fucking type for some pathetic reason).

okay okay. buy by .( good lord someone help my fingers!!)

Friday, November 28, 2003

feeling better

not so bitchy.

oh, i'm still a bitch.

it's just on the back burner for the moment--ready to spring forth at any moment.

without notice.

fuck yeah.

so anywho. found this cute girl today, who is just getting started. We have a lot in common: she has twins and has good taste in blogs. ; ) in other words, she linked me.

and i wanted to remind you all to go to The Giggle Pitt and buy a book for every child you know. That's my girl, and she's a struggling small business owner. so spend all your money there. or for you kinky folks, you could go here and support her in a more exciting manner...raaawr...

okay, enough shameless plugs. but you know, i figure it this way: i'd rather spend my money with hard working small time individuals who appreciate it than dump it into corporate america and not make a dent.

so there.

and i SWEAR to all the gods of this earth that i will not talk about anything serious again for a really long time.

at least two days.

so now i need to go do the dishes because two of my husband's brothers are coming over to play Risk.

i LOVE risk.

it's not going to be the Lord of the Rings version this time, but it'll still be fun.

also, i suck at it.

anything that requires strategy i might as well just play with my eyes closed.

oh well. it's still fun to move all the pretty little pieces around.


oh yeah, and it's fun to WIN.

like last night.

maybe we'll play strip risk.

you know...the one time i played strip poker it went a little something like this....

the day started with a bet. well, more like a deal: he would let me drive his 77 Camaro if i would drive to the next county to buy him some beer (no beer on sundays down in byu-ville). hell yeah, i said. he was a cook, i was a waitress. he was a beautiful hippie type. i was me. so i drove, like the wind, you might say. anticipation skimming through my veins. I got back just as his shift ended. We tossed the case of bud light in the trunk and headed for the back roads—so I could open er up. As old and semi-junky as that car was, it flew. So we headed back to his place. We were in his room, drinking the beer, playing cards. I suggested strip poker, but when it came time to remove the bra…well, shy girl held a blanket in front of her, so he followed suit. Well, next it was on to a game of truth or dare. He dared me to give him a massage from ankle to ankle…once again shy girl skipped the important part…but would get to it later. After the first kiss. We had some wild sex that night. As soon as it was over we agreed that it meant nothing. Of course, that didn’t stop us from engaging in similar activities on other occasions. And a couple of years later he introduced me to my husband. Needless to say, he didn’t get invited to the wedding.

true story.

i'm a bitch

(also a lover, child and mother, sinner and saint...but those are for another time)

i'm just a huge bitch.

probably as bad as, say--Kyle's Mom.

poor Mr.

he just says the wrong things sometimes and it triggers a little switch and i want to go jump up and down on his neck.

"do we have pancakes?"


"what are the chances that some could be procured?" he sweetly replies...

and that's all it took.

he didn't know i was only upstairs in our room to gather a load of laundry to put it, collect the remote for the downstairs tv so i could pvr a bob the builder for the boys, grab my clothes so i could go get dressed somewhere else because HIS son was in our bed watching tv with him, AND find the discarded (clean) diaper of twin A which he had removed and still return to the downstairs bathroom to finish the q-tipping, deodorizing, moisturizing part of my post shower ritual--which was only interupted by twin A demanding that i fix his diaper.

that's all.

i wasn't busy.

sure i had time to make some fucking pancakes for the ones who got to sleep two hours later than I.

no fucking problem.

why not fresh made crepes with homemade sauces and fillings and fresh squeezed orange juice, possibly an omelette?

it'll just take an hour or so.

i'll get right the fuck on it.

oddly enough, i feel better now.

of course, i already felt like a royal jerkoff for snapping at him.

he's so cuddly sweet.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Gobble gobble

how odd that the term we use to imitate a turkey is the same thing we do all day on the turkey holiday.

and i did.

eat so much it hurt to laugh...which we couldn't stop doing.

it was a great day.

my two oldest nieces are 16 and 18 so we have fun, and my kids were mostly well behaved...

and i won't even gripe about my husband sleeping on the couch pretending to watch football...and when i asked if he wanted some pie he said no. so after we put it all away, in two separate fridges on two separate floors of the house...he decided he was ready for some. grrr. did i say i wouldn't gripe about it? oops.

hope you all had similarly enjoyable days/meals....

i dreamed about a cell phone ad last night.

sad but true.

so...we're considering a venture up the mountains to go skiing next week. The Mr. used to be a really good snowboarder, but he hasn't done it much in the past 5 or 6 he'll probably ski with me. and me...well, i've attempted to ski on two other occassions...i loved it, but last time i nearly killed myself....i lost control and picked up too much speed and ended up hurtling down the hill, arms flying, screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" at the top of my lungs and "i'm going to die"....fortunately i was right under a lift and some kind (but surely laughing) folks instructed me to sit down. which i did, skidding to a stop just inches from a tree (okay, like ten yards, but still). then my niece caught up to me and helped me find my ski which we couldn't figure out how to attatch (how the fuck do you spell that?) my ski back on to my boot. we laughed so hard. but i'm a bit gun shy. maybe i'll take a lesson...

anyway, hope you're all as fat and happy as i am.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

snowing again


so you came for porn and got the weather, did ya?

it's a sick, sad world...

i was so tired last night that i actually fell asleep around 11. that's probably the earliest i've gone to sleep in a year or more. of course, i was then awakened every hour by one of the boys crying. they were sick. all better today, thank the lord. cuz if i had to miss another day at the gym...i'd lose it.

Pink Floyd on the playlist in my head...

so you think you can tell--
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?
do you think you can tell?

did they get you to trade
your heros for ghosts?
hot ashes for trees
hot air for a cool breeze
cold comfort for change?
did you exchange
a walk on part in your war
for a lead role in a cage?

how i wish
how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
what have we found?
the same old fears
wish you were here.

okay, who's up for an early edition of FANTASY FRIDAY???


as i turn off the shower, the doorbell rings.

I wrap a towel around myself and hope it's someone i know.

you're standing there with a big box under your arm, dressed in brown.

(what can brown do for me? i'm asking myself suggestively)

so taken aback by the beauty of you, i forget to warn you that when i open this door a big pile of snow is going to fall on you. stupid house. (god bless it...)

you are startled and swear under your breath.

i fumble an apology and invite you in to dry off.

against the rules, you murmur

but you're all wet...I say. and cold...

your eyes tell me the rules are made to be broken, as you step across the threshhold into my warm kitchen.

there is a moment of awkward silence, and then you say, do you have a towel?

without a word i hand you the one i'm wrapped in.

slowly, you dry your hair, taking in the view.

you drop the towel and step closer.

you should probably throw that shirt in the dryer

i reach up and begin to unbutton your shirt.

the phone rings, startling us both.

i reach over and unplug it.

grabbing your waistband, i pull you to me for a deep, hard kiss.

stepping out of your pants, you lower me gently to the table and show me exactly what brown can do for me.

thank god for table cloths...