Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Let's play Ketchup

Or is that catch up...?

Over the weekend we spent some time with good friends,
some time with his family and some time with mine.
Well, we went to the Ratt-Poison concert with his brother, so that doesn't really count as family time.
Yes, Ratt and Poison touring together!
How fucking hilarious is THAT??
It was interesting.
As a child of the 80s, Poison was a lot of fun, but I had never been into Ratt, so it was hard to get excited while they played.

They put on a pretty good show, but I felt fuzzy and disconnected.
I rediscovered a bit of my energy when Poison took the stage, but I'm feeling so cynical in general right now that it was way too much effort to really be present there and to stop my thoughts from churning.
When they sang, "Something to Belive in" they had a handful of Marines come on stage with them and it filled my head with lots of unwelcome visions.
Standing there so young and so proud in their dress blues, with that signature haircut, I couldn't help but see a familiar face.
And then I couldn't stop myself from imagining the dust and gunfire of the Middle East and I wanted to shove them all into my pocket and run away to Canada to save them from going there...
The worst song, though, was "Every Rose Has its Thorn".
I cried.
As cheesy as it is, it captures so much of what we've been going through lately.
Music is far too inspirational for my own good, I guess.
But at least my husband was drunk, and he's a happy, sentimental, cute drunk.
And at least we snuck onto a golf course and made sweet love under the stars after the show.
I saw a shooting star over his shoulder.

So, yesterday was my first day of class for this new school year.
Summer is not over, I refuse to accept it.
It is still so hot and sunny.
Yesterday it was only in the 80s, though, so that was refreshingly cool.
I can't believe I'm saying 85 degrees is COOL.
Anyway, it was a great day.
My circuit training class is pretty fun, although the instructor does not speak English.
It makes question-asking difficult, but otherwise it's fine.
The rest of my classes seem interesting and invigorating and I feel great about the semester!
It's going to be awesome.

Maybe some day I will be a writer again.
For now, I am a student and a wife and a mother.
That is more than enough.

I heard your voice yesterday.
It wasn't really You, but I imagined it was.
I wonder if I'm crazy, or just imaginative.
A little of each probably.
This isn't what I meant to say--
but I find the words stubbornly lodged in my throat.
So many words smashed together that I can't even swallow.
The only way through them is a scream, but it's lying silent, too.
I don't feel like myself; something is missing.
That something is unknown, just out of reach, but maybe I'll find it.

Therapy tonight.
And not a moment too soon, by the sound of that last paragraph.
We have a new guy, I don't know if I mentioned it, but he's awesome.
Tonight is just me; should be good.

Today I will do homework and take the boys to the pool.

It is a beautiful day.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Back in black

and feelin' blue.
Nah, not really, but I like the way that sounds.
It has a nice ring to it.
Back in black, and feelin' blue.
I dig it.

I've been playing Yellow Ledbetter on repeat for days now.
Not sure if it's because I love it so much or if it's because I'm avoiding listening to about a hundred songs that make my heart cringe.
Either way, it's working out just fine.
Except for the times that the cringey songs sneak up on me and I have to hurry and turn the station/track.
Cuz what I've solidly committed to recently is that I will not wallow.
I will not excessively FEEL stuff.
I'm not saying I plan on shutting off all emotions or anything,
but being an angsty writer is just not working out so well for me.
It causes all flavors of trouble, is what!
I don't know.
It's like my whole identity is shifting, and I'm trying to coax it back to its most authentic version.
Cuz...I have made some pretty vast changes to who I am over the course of my marriage.
And I think that those changes produced resentment that festered in me without my knowledge.
Time to get back to basics, baby.
Time to stop letting my need to please others interfere with authenticity.
I just need to figure this out.

And I can't stop missing my friends.
And I can't stop wondering how they're doing, and what's going on in their lives.

For a little while there, my mind was about to shatter into pieces the way that my heart has, so many times.
I truly felt like I was losing my grip on reality,
and one of the main reasons for that was the impending loss of my Life As I Know It.
It feels so wonderful to have a clear head again, to feel whole, if damaged.
Bruised rather than broken; I will mend.
I just wish I could have it all.
Mostly it feels good to be reconnecting with the core of me, instead of being so confused by all the blame and guilt and pain.
I spent so much energy trying to assure that I would not be bound to an unhappy life that I ended up pretty unhappy.
And now...
I feel calm.
It has been one month since the day I was supposed to move out and I was invited back for the final time.
This has been a good month.
Slow, steady progress.
I want to succeed and press onward with school.
I want to graduate, even if it's more than ten years after my friends got their first degrees, most of whom have second or third degrees now.
The greatest hope I have is when I feel that I have a partner in parenting; I relish his involvement in the most important part of my life.
We are building new habits and I hope they last.

Boy, oh boy, what a process this has been.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


between wanting to bask in the lazy, warm nothing of summer forever
needing the kids to be back in school to save my sanity!
They are growing tired of so much freedom, and of each other's constant company.
This is the way of school aged children; I do not feel unique in this regard.
I just can't believe how fast the summer has moved.
Utah is weird (for many reasons, but I'll try not to get sidetracked).
It is so hot here in August that when school starts it is still TOTALLY summer.
It's been in the 90s and 100s for most of the summer this year, which is a little unusual, but it is making it extra hard to get in the right frame of mind for going back to school.
I am still tweaking my schedule for classes, but I will nail it down tonight.
I had myself scheduled for 5 days a week, but I am chickening out.
It is an hour and a half round trip, including the walk to and from the car, and I'd just rather not be committed to making that journey EVERY day.
So I've switched to a 8:30 to 12:40, back to back classes schedule.
My biggest hang up with this new schedule is that the first class of the day is a PE class--circuit training for 2 credits, hell yeah!
But...that means I'll have 15 minutes to shower, dress, and walk to my next class...
I'm a pretty low maintenance gal, so I'm sure it'll be fine, I just have to wrap my head around it.
One of the other new additions is a Philosophy class on logic which will count for my remaining math credit.
I tend to grasp mathematical concepts easily, so I'm not too worried about it, and it'll be a nice change from all the English classes.

I'm sure that was riveting.

I bought a Pearl Jam album on Monday.
Lost Dogs.
When I put in the first disk I felt very disoriented; it did NOT sound like Pearl Jam.
At all.
It was great, but not very Vedder.
But then Yellow Ledbetter came on and I cranked it and wailed with him and all was right in my world.

An update on the new black car:
I am flooded with adrenaline when I'm behind the wheel of that thing!
For anyone interested in car stuff it's a C32 AMG Kompressor.
I guess that is why the engine purrs like a happy lion...
And that is why I purr like a happy kitty when I drive it.
I have requested joint custody, so we'll see.
I think it's a reasonable request that I get to take the car once or twice a week.
Otherwise I'll end up stealing it and running away to Mexico to have a secret love affair with it!
I mean, I still love my Volvo, but...
I must admit this black fella is much closer to my True Love.
It purrs I tell ya, purrs!!!


I jotted down some stuff the other day that came out like poetry, so here it is, if you're into that sorta thing:

Cries should be rushing out of me--
aural evidence of my sadness.
But they lie tangled in my throat,
Strong hands leave them strangled in my throat.


I wander through the terrain of my mind
and find
the path has become tortuous,
the way out is now torturous.
This landscape is alien--
I fear that I have never been here before.

And then I wrote a freaky little beginning of a book that sounds way too dark for me, but I may end up using it some day.

I have so much more to say, but it does no good for me to dwell on the things that hurt me.
I will find solid ground again.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

This just in--

I just got in, that is.
We had planned to go to a B&B in the mountains next weekend to celebrate our anniversary, but our plans changed and we went this weekend and it was loverly.
Beautiful spot, delicious food, fantastic sex, fun excursions.

Last week sort of blew chunks, though.

Helped my best friend pack her moving truck, and babysat a couple of my nephews, both activities culminating on Friday morning.
And then...my mother-in-law called to suggest that we take our trip later that day.
It all became rather clusterfucked before it was settled, but it worked out great, so I guess I just can't complain.
Or shouldn't...

Today we golfed, and man, had I forgotten how much I love being on the golf course!
I'm not that great at it, but I'm improving and I have the best teacher, so that helps.
Mr. Anderson is an exceptional golfer.
He's an exceptional athlete all-around, for that matter.
He his unnaturally good reflexes and I have unnaturally poor ones, so it's usually kind of dissatisfactory for us to play sports together.
Golf works out much better than raquetball...

Today marks the one year anniversary of the motorcycle accident which stole our brother from us, so that is where my thoughts are today.
If I can recover from my day in the hot sun I just might drive the sleek black car down to leave some yellow roses for him.

I am distracted by another, poetic loss today as well.
When is it going to be enough?
Will I ever be good enough?
I think Soon and Yes, respectively, but still I sigh.

I am happy.
I have made the right decision for my future.
This is my life, I chose it, and I will live it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I really ought to see what I can do about the ads

They seem to be rather...


So anyway.
Mr. husband bought a new car this week--
I've been wishing he would treat himself to one for so long.
I am thrilled with his choice and can't wait to steal the black, sleek,
German thing from him at every possible occasion.
As long as the little hood ornament doesn't get stolen, we'll be pleased.
Yes, I'm referring to a Mercedes.
How pretentious is that???
He's such a low-key guy that I'm sort of shocked that he would deign to drive such a flashy vehicle, but it is 4 or 5 years old, so I guess that tones it down a bit.
We took it for a drive a couple of nights ago, just to enjoy it and we ended up driving all the way around Utah Lake--the long way.
Let me see if I can find you a map so you can fully appreciate the length of our journey.
I'll show you our intended route and our actual route.
(the red line is our actual route, but then we had to drive east to Santaquin and take the freeway back to Salt Lake City...our intended route was to turn at Fairfield, go through Lehi and back to Salt Lake...)

It was dark and starry and lovely out there,
and we enjoyed the serenity of the heavy blackness.
Once we rounded a bend to abruptly come upon a large owl in the middle of our lane.
Fortunately there were only about 4 other cars on that road the whole night, and the owl has better instincts than a deer, so we avoided collision.
There were jack rabbits aplenty, and one little field mouse type of a creature bounced across our path, but we never hit anything.
Our next surprise came when we were rounding another bend, after we had discovered we were in Eureka (which, incidentally, did not make us shout, "Eureka! I have found it!", but instead remark, "Aw, fuck. We're in EUREKA???").
A large, black beef-cattle lay, bloody side up, across our entire lane.
That one scared the hell out of us, but again we were lucky that there was no oncoming traffic.
These events all added up to make me acutely aware of the fact that I have long since outgrown my daredevil ways.
I used to go 90 whenever possible.
I used to change my clothes while driving 90 whenever necessary.
And I thought I was invincible.
I guess that's what they mean by The Stupidity of Youth.
Or whatever they call it.

Today is the day that my best friend is moving to Virginia.
It finally hit me a couple of days ago that she's really going to be gone and it was highly unpleasant, to put it mildly.
She is my biggest link to my past right now--the one person who has known me since I was 13 who is still a big part of my life.
I feel quite lost at the moment.
And very, very lonely.
Well...I would feel lonely if my house didn't have FIVE little boys in it right now.
Ok, I'm off to play Monop-yu-ly with Max.
That'll cheer us all up!!

I just got off the phone with my credit card company.
I've been identity thieved!!!
Well, not entirely.
Just this one card.
The woman I bought the painting from actually tipped me off,
by alerting me that the rarely used, $3000 limit card was declined.
At first I just assumed she had had trouble processing it and gave her my debit card number instead.
But when we checked the on-line statement we discovered about $2500 dollars in charges that we didn't make!!
They are obvious--several were made in Utah while we were in Maine, and the rest are in the $100-200 range at gas stations.
It's MY card and I never go into a gas station and buy extra stuff, and even with the atrocious prices they're charging for gas these days, my tank-filling prices is capped at under $60 (just barely!).
So I know those charges aren't ours either.
I am sort of ranckled about it, but god bless the credit card companies for taking the liability!
If you get two grand in cash stolen there's no one to reimburse you, ya know?
But still.
I want to punch them in the nuts.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

7th row, baby!

The moment they took the stage I felt the thrill of witnessing one of rock's Legends shudder through my body.
I am not specifically a Rush Fan, but I enjoyed every second of their finely tuned and energetic performance.
You don't have to know their songs to feel the heat coming off the strings of that bass.
I recently read a book Neil Peart wrote about his bicycle trip through West Africa, so his was the most familiar face to me.
I couldn't shake the Ozzy Osbourne meets John Lennon look of Geddy himself, but it made him feel more familiar, which was cool.

I took a little self-portrait of Mr. and I, but the sun kepting jumping up and down behind us holding up rabbit ears, trying to ruin the shot.
Fucking SUN!

I darkened it up a bit because I think it's a cool shot of us anyway.

Two weeks from yesterday my classes will start.
One week later the kids start school.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Oh, what a busy weekend it has been!

And it's not over yet!
Mr. and I are going on a date tonight.
(I would put an exclamation point there, because I'm excited about it, but I can't feel good about ending 3 sentences in a row in such a spazzy manner. Sorry.)

On Friday I made this blueberry pie, which may have been the best one I've ever made, to date:

Yes, those are lobsters...

Oh, I just can't even tell you how much fun yesterday was!
(crap, there's another one...well, fuck it. Just know that every time I use one, it's sincere, ok? Ok.)
So J. and I went shopping yesterday in Park City.
There are outlet stores there, which turned out to be
than I had thought it would be!
Were the stores a bit crowded?
The prices, however, were just lovely.
I had a bit of an orgie with Ann, Tommy, Calvin and a bunch of others without such easily anthropomorphizable names.
Hey, the kids needed school clothes, and so did I!
I just figured out why high maintenance chicks are so bitchy, though--
it's because shopping really takes it outta ya.
We were exhausted!
Carrying around all those bags all afternoon, from store to store to store to store...

But that was FAR from the best part.
The best part was after the other awesome part, but hold on, let me do this in order.
So then, weary and hungry and with a car full of bags, we headed for Park City's Main St. where the Arts Fest was underway.
I was in search for My Artist!
But first we needed dinner.
So we paid $84 to park right next to our favorite italian place as a huge splurge because it would be our Going Away dinner of sorts, only to find out that they were inexplicably--and unexplainedly--closed.
On a Saturday, in a tourist town, during an Arts Festival???
So then we kept walking and inadvertently got into the Arts Fest for free--
I swear we were just looking for an open restaurant!
Anyway, we ended up walking about halfway up the street (the center of which was filled with the artists' booths) before seeing a place that was both open and inviting.
It was a little dollop of serendipity on the top of our exquisite day--
the best salmon I've tasted in years, with outdoor seating and an impressive wine list.
When we finished eating we had about 30 minutes to finish cruising the artist booths in an attempt to find The Artist.
Just 3 or 4 small tents beyond our restaurant, and there she was!
So we looked at her paintings and I told her I had come here specifically to see her paintings and to try to get my husband on board with buying one.
When I found the one I wanted, she urged me to take it home so I could let him see if he loved it, too!!
So I did.
(she kept my credit card info so she could just run it when I decided and, obviously, as protection against theft)

And he agreed that it is stunning!

And we are going to keep it!!
I can't even describe the euphoria I am experiencing still.
She is only the second artist who has so moved me, and the first will be my second acquisition.
There were other artists there whose work I would be thrilled to possess, but we must start somewhere, and why not start with my favorite?

So then today I got the wild notion of putting on my Fairy Godmother(fucker) costume and getting a better shot of it.

What do you think?
I have wings!
And don't give Red Bull the credit, they're all my spirit.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Somewhere over the rainbow--

(and I don't mean casino!)

That's where you'll find me.
Or something.
I am still not feeling very writey, but oddly enough this place feels familiar and anonymous all at the same time!!!

Coolest Hard Rain moment last night, just moments after we finished erecting (heh-heh, I said "erect"!!) our new porch swing.
Well, not a porch swing per se, because it's not on the porch, but I'm not sure what else to call it.
Like this, only nicer.
But cheaper.
How 'bout that?
Gotta love Clearance sales!
I've been neeeeding one of these for a very long time and I am just bubbling over with joy at the prospect of relaxing on it every evening from now until the snow flies.

Today marks the final day of my Help-J-With-Her-Dissertation-Research Saga.
It's been fun, and I loved doing it, but my kids are sure glad it's over!
They have been seriously missing me, since it's been taking a big chunk out of my waking time.
I can't believe she's actually
moving 2,000 miles away.
That's like, 4.3 billion kilometers or something.
Wah. Sniff. Pout.

On the plus side, I bought a book called something like "How To Figure Out What You Want to Be When You Grow Up, You Stupid, Stupid Girl--What Are You, Like, 14 YEARS POST HIGH SCHOOL NOW???"
It'll be fun.
It'll probably just give me even more career options to not be able to choose between.
Porno Actress????
Sorry, those were just the highlights of my strengths...

Life is good--here.

In Maryland a new life entered my closest extended family:
a tiny little baby boy, completing the set for my sister and I.
Our combined four sons have all been born in the second half of July!
Some day we will live near each other and have joint birthday parties--
and even further down the road, they may all party together and have joints, but that's anotherh story!

And in Ohio a dear friend lost her father to the relentless armies of cancerous cells which would simply not stop marching against him.
At a mere 40 years old she is now completely orphaned.
I ache for her losses, reminded to cherish my own dear parents.

And so is the circle of life...