Tuesday, May 31, 2005

And suddenly my fingers are on fire--

Or is that my pants...?
(and I don't mean in the "liar liar" way either, wink-wink, nudge-nudge)
actually, it's just my arm--
little grease splatter, cooking dinner...
ahem, I belive the original point was this:
I'm on fire.
burning in my bosom?
nah, more like coherant thoughts finally flowing--
with fervor!
aliteration for 400, Alex.
oh, I'm back, babies, I'm back.
and why?
partly because he's back,
and he is, after all...
my muse.
but also because I can just feel the sluggishness of winter falling off my shoulders in chunks.
and why do I ALWAYS want to spell that word "chuncks"?
I don't know--that's why I'm asking you.
smart ass.
dumb ass!

so, the great news is, the season's over--
the television-sucking-the-life-out-of-me season.
daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn summer is great!!
it is.
it is sooooo great, they should spell summer with a silent grrr...
sunshine on my shoulders, kissing my cheeks, and tickling the backs of my knees.
(sunshine is the nickname I gave my pool boy, so when I say "on my shoulders" I really just mean I'm lying on my back sucking his--)
ahem, where was I?
oh yes.
it makes me think of freckles
and frogs
rustling green leaves on tall shady trees.
summer is
playing in the garden hose,
riding bikes to the beach,
...wishing there was a beach in Uta-rd...
climbing trees, mountains, rock walls....
dancing outside with humid air pressing close,
and the music from the band pouring through an open door.
summer is pina coladas and watermelon and lobster
maybe this will be the summer I start my second novel.
I done heard readin's fun.
or revamp my first--
crappy amateur attempt.
I wish there was a font for "mumbled, footnote-like comment".
or that I could be in 412 places at once--
and enjoying every single one of them as if it were the only moment in time.

my blog.
and don't look now, but I think it may have just had a fatal dose of CPR.
yeah, it has neither a cardiovascular system nor a pulmonary one,
but it was bloody well recessitated.
master speller are you,l Lisa????
try that again.
recess, anyone???
jesus h.
well, fuck me.
I guess I just flunked the spelling bee of life.
but on a cheerful note--
that reminded me of the daydream I had yesterday of having sex with Christ.
it's not my fault...
I mean, I know I'm a huge perv, and all, but I didn't just THINK IT UP out of the clear damn blue.
Hubby was watching a "behind the davinci code" show, and I was trying to go to sleep, but it was way too interesting...
so I'm snuggled down in the semi-dark of a bedroom with a tv on,
and listening to the voice describe the possibilty of Jesus and Mary Magdalene being husband and wife.
my thoughts wandered to the two of them having sex,
and then of course, to what it would be like to have crazy wild sex with the holiest man alive...
I bet he was a very sensitive lover...
aw, crap.
I'm going to somewhere worse than hell for this,
I just know it.
maybe I'll die and go to--
whew, I crack myself up.

the other big news of the day, I got tagged for the second meme of my life,
by none other than the lovely Mona
well, her chest is lovely, at least.
stay on track, Lisa, come on!!!

Total Volume of Music Files on My Computer: 4.6 GB

The Last CD I Bought Was: Velvet Revolver

Song Playing Right Now: Jane's Addiction, "Jane Says"

Five Songs I Listen To a Lot, Or That Mean a Lot To Me:

Hmmm...y'mean I'll actually have to give this....some thought???
okay....here goes...and I'm starting to get the feeling this part's gonna sting...

1. Pearl Jam's "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town" this song reminds me of going back to my small town, and seeing people who have changed and wondering if they'll remember me. I always picture this little store in Camden--and a certain person comes to mind. He did remember me, after all...

2. 4 Non Blondes, "What's Up?" will forever remind me of graduating high school. We had a slumber party--one last little girl's night, for my closest friends and I. We are at J's grandmother's cabin, at the river. It was so dark...so still. We laughed and ate and played, and then we drove to..Camden(hm, I see a theme here!) to take the lone boy at the party home--J's make out buddy at the time--and as we drove we heard that song. None of us liked it, but we turned it up and sang along anyway. We stopped to get more snacks, and as we walked through the produce section, we all burst into tears--5 hormonal teenage girls. The tears turned to laughter so fast it gave us whiplash, but none of us will ever forget that night...the party lights were on! and "crying girls in the produce aisle, crying girls in the produce aisle" eh.

3. Godsmack's "Awake" (as a song I listen to a lot) just love the energy of the song, for workouts--and pretty much everything else by Godsmack.

4. Monster Magnet's Powertrip Because the lyrics crack me up and I love those guys!

5. U2's "All I Want is You" Because it's one of the most beautiful love songs ever written and recorded...

I guess I should tag some folks...
I have no idea who has already done this, so just tell me to fuck off if you've already done it--
I would like to hear what Jerry is into (for music!),
and Lily, and Loretta, and Rachael!

ok, I think I'll take Kiki's advice and twist it a little to suit my needs,
and have some take-my-mind-off-food sex.

did you hear that?

It was me.
breathing a huge sigh of relief,
followed by a little giggle of giddyness.

I think the world started turning again.
I think my heart remembered how to beat,
and in which rhythm.
I think I'll turn to glitter and float off in the wind,
if I'm not paying attention.
I think I'm going to live....

I saw Star Wars over the weekend,
and loved it.
to hell with anyone who didn't.
it gave me great closure and a sense of continuity with the next 3--
seeing the babies born, named, and placed,
and seeing sexy anakin turned into that black heavy-breather we all love to hate?
fuck yes, that was great!
I have waited my whole life to see how he ended up like that.
I daresay that was one of the greatest moments of my life--
for last week, at least.

And, day 3 is going great and I've already lost 2.5 pounds.
god bless dr. atkins, rest his soul!
go Mona, go!!!
you inspired me to reconsider that little plan,
and my husband pushed me over the edge--
as we left the movie he offered to not smoke for each day that I forego sugar.
he sucks, however, and is still smoking,
even though I've stuck to the atkins thing.
oh well.
he'll quit (again) when he's ready (again).

The pool opened this weekend,
here in our neighborhood.
it's a great pool, and the kids love it.
it's on our street, even, so that's particularly good.
I can see lots of skin cancer tan skin in my future...
rock on!

we're going to be in Vegas for the weekend of my birthday,
and we're trying to plan what to do.
lots of sex and relaxing,
so that doesn't leave room for much else...
I was hoping there would be a show in town that I might want to see--
a rock show.
but no.
not a damn thing that weekend.
no comedians, either.
it's like the national "vegas has nothing going on" weekend.
oh well.
it'll be easier to be lazy and lusty with less to do.

it's Tuesday!
and I took some pictures of my blogger t-shirt.
and my nipples.

Blogger minus Bra equals happy readers! Posted by Hello

happy tuesday everyone--IT'S FUCKING SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 30, 2005

Story time--

and why?
because I'm so god damn sick of the sound of my own voice whining that I'm about to divorce myself.
that's why.
and, like Thumper's dad told him, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all"
(yes, it nearly killed me to write "don't say nothin"--eeek!! but, I can hardly correct a sweet little bunny's grammar, right?)

There haven't been a lot of summers that started off with this much rain, here in Utah, but the last one I remember didn't end so well. That spring was like living in the northeast, not the southwest--rain, rain, and more rain. Summer arrived aburptly and somewhat breathlessly--adjusting its skirt and wiping the smudged lipstick off its cheek--on the first day of June. People in a desert don't know how to handle that much rain, and everyone had started acting a little shifty. The summer itself was so hot, it seemed to last forever, but when September first hit, the thunderstorms began and the rain started back up--with snow dusting the mountain tops within the week. The change in weather seemd to trigger something...something primal, perhaps...but the spring's shiftiness turned to seething rage--or delirious laughter, depending on the person, the time of day, or the color of the sky. A full moon happened to fall in that first week of September, too...and oh, if Mother Nature could have taken that back, she would have. It was, most likely, the straw that broke that camel's back. Tall slender women seemed to sway in the wind, like trees--their hair or jewelry or skirts making an unsettling sound...dry leaves? Short, roundish men were becoming stationary with surprising rapidity--surprising for things to stop moving so abruptly and yet still appear to have never before moved. They took on a greyish pallor--with moss on the shady side. There were reports of young children bursting into flames, at junctures where normally they would have burst into tears. "Sorry Jimmy, your puppy got hit by a car--" POOOF! Gone, with only a set of braces gleaming up out of a pile of ashes to prove he had been there at all. Me? I reached up and grabbed a bolt of lightening, one dusty afternoon under heavy masses of grey clouds, with my bare feet squishing into the mud. It gave me a little shock as it touched my outstretched palm, but I closed my fingers around it and gave a little tug. Down it came, bringing its crash of thunder behind like a chariot. I rolled it up into a ball, pressed together in my small hand, and shoved it deep into my pocket. The rain was coming harder, now, and I turned my face up--gulping it down. I glanced behind me, and felt a little silly, but I knew it would work--I jumped straight up, and with that I took flight. I flew straight into the storm, and gathered it around me, directing it, moulding it. Ride the lightening? Yeah. ...something like that.

(I don't know how that came out, I'm not reading it back just yet. and if you're new here, I only write one way: fast and rough. kinda like sex...minus the fast part.)

Or at least maybe I'll become a real blogger again.
was I ever a real blogger?
perhaps oui, perhaps non.
all I know is, lately, I feel so out of step it's like I'm doing a god damn line dance in a ballet class.
and the strangest things make me feel...
the strangest ways.
that sounds so vague, doesn't it?
I like being vague, sometimes, ok?
to summarize: I keep getting my feelings hurt over super stupid stuff.
taking things personally that have nothing to do with me...
feeling left out of secret happy clubs.
and then, to top it all off, I come here to try to write away my simply inane sadness, and I can't write shit.
or, rather, I write only shit.
(bah, black sheep?)
oh yeah, and I feel like I'm giving too much and getting nothing back,
but that's my own fault.
I just need to stop doing things I don't want to do.
yes, that means you.
that was a joke--could you tell?
I know, it felt a little more painful than a joke is normally supposed to be,
but still.
It was nowhere near as painful as a kick to the groin--
no matter what your gender.
I actually have sunk so low that I watched the E! True Hollywood Story of the Hilton Sisters.
ONLY in the hopes of finding something other than the utterly detestable--
to no avail.
yes, yes, I know.
intervention is probably requisite at this point.
put me in a drug rehab center, would you?
I think it would remind me to
or something.

do you know what I would do if I was a Psych major?
or, more like working on my Masters or PhD in Psychology?
I would read blogs, to practice diagnosing all the craziest wild deviant behaviors.
I would LOOOVE to hear my diagnosis.
insanely vain
with delusions of grandeur.
fucking right, man.
only, there's no delusion...
I am grandEUR than you, at least--
see? I should be on the funny farm cultivating funny vegetables, or rubber chickens, at least.

for all yous 'mericans who have a holiday tomorrow--
enjoy it.
I know I will--
(despite what you read here...)

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Words so tangled up in my head...

so, I'll come here, and sort through them.
I did not sleep well last night,
and tonight will be the same.
my stomach flips at the thought
of what tomorrow brings.
I am afraid to be consumed by my own excitement...
and afraid of being let down.
I have waited...patiently?
Mostly I have pushed feelings down so deeply that I nearly forgot about them--
on a conscious level, at least.
I am holding my breath, now.
poised, ready.
ready to crumble, ready to exult.
not really ready at all...

I wish I could think of something else right now.
Like how it rained all day, but the sun came out,
and I made a beautiful dinner,
and got some great pictures to decorate my boys' room.
exactly what I've been looking for, in fact.
maybe I could talk about how frustrating it is to have 4 boys in the house...
4 boys who don't know the meaning of cleaning up after themselves!
I'm working hard on the two I spawned, but the other two???
they have mothers of their own.
and I just thought of a great new euphimism:
step-sonuva bitch!
train of thought: the cute lil step son is truly the son of a bitch.
but, sadly, he is also the step son of a bitch.
I'm so funny it hurts.
or smells bad.
but maybe that's just my feet.
---or yours!!
get yer damn feet outta here!

Martini and Fondu Party on Saturday...
the hosts are doing the fondu,
and each couple is going to bring their favorite style of martini to share.
I'm going to do Mandarin martinis, I think.
but just to be sure, I'll start practicing tomorrow.

I don't feel any better,
but I'm a little distracted, at least.
and breathing again, at least for the most part.
but hey--
who needs oxygen, anyway??
not me.

a grey sunday, with a grey heart

the greyness of the day didn't stop us from going to the pool, though.

I hate it when I'm unable to access my computer for almost 2 days,
and then when I get here, allll eager--
I am met with a rude comment on buzznet
(it's gone, don't bother looking)
and another matter which slightly ruffled my feathers.
but I shan't complain.
life is glorious.
I had all sorts of wonderful things to write yesterday,
while my computer was unplugged and desserted.
and now, of course, I have nothing but
oh well.
maybe i'll think of some of the "good" stuff later.

I am annoyed, now.
it seems that is the constant state of my mood, lately.
why do people leave anonymous, hurtful comments???
it is more upsetting than it should be...
usually I laught that stuff off.
but today...
I just didn't need to hear that.
thanks, Margot, you fucking cowardly cunt.


ok, hubby's home, and I am cheered up.
he's so cute...
have I mentioned that lately?
probably not.
but he is.

so I saw a news clip the other day--
about a newly discovered side-effect of Viagra and Cialis, etc.
a small percentage of men have been reporting loss of vision.
let me run that by you again:
exaggerated boner ability = loss of vision
beating off = you'll go blind
they were right, after all, boys!!!!
It struck my funny bone, ok??

and I got suckered into buying one of those blogger t-shirts.
yes, it'll be next on the list for a braless picture.
but the more I encounter assholes on buzznet, the more I'm thinking I"ll stick to posting pictures here.
I have only had 2 negative comments, that I can remember,
but I hate em.

ok, here I go, getting pissed off again.
that's only because I started the FATkins diet again today.
daaaaaaamn, but I don't function well without carbs!
I get ornery.
but it's ok.
it's only for 2 weeks, then I can add some whole grains and more carby veggies.
and I'm excited to see some damn weight loss.
you would all be horrified at how frigging fat I've let myself get over the winter,
which has quite shockingly turned to summer.
and me with a beer gut.
to anyone out there who doesn't LOOOOOVE eating,
who doesn't dream of food all day,
who doesn't derive extreme pleasure from food....
no really, you are cordially invited to play a nice round of hide-and-go-fuck yourself.

and now my tired children are pushing every last one of my touchy, short-wired buttons.


Friday, May 27, 2005

going to make cookies and do some memes

in my comment to IA, regarding the make-a-sentence-with-your-name meme, from Kiki,
I discovered that this is too damn fun.
and rather than tag anyone...
cuz I'm a greedy/selfish/lazy sorta gal,
I'm going to do a bunch of these myself.
feel free to join in, everyone!
and, maybe I'll still tag 3 people at the end of it all, if,
a. I remember
b. there's anyone left.

ok, so:
Pissed Kitty: Probably isn't so shitty either, dude. Kicked in the thigh--yowie!
Sergei: Sharing elephant rooms; getting exciting, innit?
Mona: Massage or nookie: appointments!
Kat: Kill a tree! Kitchen at twelve.
Maine: More anger in newborn elves. Mike's an idiot, not evil. Make an icecream now, etard.
Kiki: Kitty is kickin it.

oh, and I started writing a really promising little story last night at the orientation lameness.
it was like a seminar on how to wipe your ass.
"oh really? jeeez, I had no idea we were supposed to be using TOILET PAPER!"
extrememly useless.
maybe I've just taken more time to inform myself than most students.
I dunno.
but the thing is, it was a session JUST for transfer students,
so obviously everyone has done this before--
choosing classes, etc.
at least when they asked for a show of hands on who transferred from out of state,
and the first 10 answers were the west or southwest,
I couldn't resist raising my hand and saying "Maine."
I know I didn't transfer from there.
but still.
I wanted to WIN, dammit.
too bad some asshole from Alaska piped in.
curse him.
and then they spent time going over the dorm situation.
hmm... mused Lisa.
could I...?
naw...I couldn't.
but it sure would be nice!!!
see ya kids, mommy's off to her dorm room for the next couple of years!!
so, one of the girls at my table said something a few minutes later about having kids and wanting to take her classes at night or something.
I could NOT resist piping in with my observation that, as a fellow mother, I was considering quite heavily, the possibility of dorm living.
she looked at me with Mormon eyes and said, "yeah, they have great married student housing."
fuck, and I thought that was only popular at BYU.
the whole "let's get married at 18 and pop out as many kids as possible before either of us graduates, while going to school full time and living on welfare."
that's not what popped into my head first, however, so instead she received my giggling surprise at such an idea--
"oh, no. I live in a beautiful house, I'm not moving onto campus--I just thought it would be fun to leave the kids behind and live in the dorms again."
others found this amusing, but she did not.
this is when I discovered that she is a 12 year old* mother of 2 who has been living in married student housing for the past 4 years while her husband got his degree, and plans to continue living there until she graduates, in 3.5 years.
I just hate mormons, it can't be helped.

*age exaggerated for effect. I'm sure she's at least 20.

so anyway, I'm excited for school to start.
and I think I'm going to really look forward to entering into some very heady debates with some very closed-minded mormons.
but only because they're in the minority at that school.
like I would take on popular opinion??
I only like fights I can win.
I don't believe that I can change the world--
not even one person at a time.
people change.
or not.
either way, it has nothing to do with me.

the cookies turned out great, by the way.
and when my friend offered me the number of her ob/gyn, I said,
"yeah, I do need one up here. uh. 'up here' as in salt lake..."
but I don't actually need one right now so I didn't bother to get the number.
mostly because I was holding a sick child, who I am considering taking to the doctor.

this is going to be a great weekend.
we get to have a real, live babysitter which means we get a real, live DATE
on saturday night!!!!
fuck yes.
the plan is to see Star Wars III, so wish us luck.
also, that reminded me of the kids' little graduation the other day--
one of the things they did was, each kid stood up and spelled his or her name and said what they want to be when they grow up.
this one little girl spelled her name, and when she got to what I can only assume was supposed to be the two "e"s on the end of haylee--
damn cute.
and this little boy who sounded so bored with the whole thing--
"J a d e (sigh)nnnnnnnnnn"
and did I get any of it on video?
because we lost the damn battery, so we have to plug it in but there was only one plug and some cunt was already using it.
i mean some nice mother of one of the other kids...

ok, go forth and prosper.
or at least party with the lights off.
or your clothes off (in public).
OR. relax by a pool, in a hammock, or under your back porch.
and don't forget to stay home from work Monday!
unless you're supposed to go in...
happy memorial day!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's pretty warm here, but that's just temporally speaking...

What I mean is, this is hell, and it is a cold day in hell.
for one thing, I actually refilled my thyroid drugs before letting them run out--
which I do almost every month.
the running out thing, that is.
and then I got tagged for a Meme, which is a strange and confusing thing for me,
and I am honored.
besides, it's an easy and fun one!

I got it from Kiki, and I am supposed to post hers,
and then post mine, and then tag more people, but...
the party pooper that I am, I probably won't tag anyone.
I'm not sure when I became such a non-"joiner",
but it would appear that I am one.

Take all the letters of your name or screen name, and make a sentence, each word beginning with the next letter of your name. Post the one of the person who meme'd you, and then yours.

K i k i
Karma is king, innit?

L i s a

Look! It's snowing again!

and if my kids weren't fighting over who gets to count to 50, I might have something else to say.
and I have to pee.
today, I feel like the mojo is with me, in spirit.
could be the pheeeenomenal sex I had last night,
could be the wacked outhormones,
could be the full moon, which isn't full anymore but it was a few days ago...
I'm going to write something good.
after I pee.
and beat my children.
(just with a wet noodle, don't worry)

ok, I'm back.
but I think I might have figured out what's wrong with me.
it's the eyebrows.
eh, it's far too complex to explain, but it has something to do with something.
and that's enough for you.

I just reserved a campsite for our Father's Day celebration--
which we're having a week early, since it's MY BIRTHDAY ON FATHER'S DAY.
but I'm really excited for the camping adventure!!!
we took the kids once, when they were 2--
dear GOD, what were we thinking?????
it was horrendous.
mostly because it's a lot of work to set up a campground, for only a 14 hour stay
(stupid us)
and because we had gone with a bunch of friends,
so the plan was to sit around the campfire and talk all night.
the kids couldn't get to sleep in such strange surroundings,
and I don't blame them.
but I slept on the hard ground next to their portacribs all night, freezing damn cold, needing to pee but scared of the dark--
so much so that I truly considered peeing into a diaper!!!
my husband got to sleep warmly snuggled up with his...6? year old, yes, 6.
on the air mattress in the other tent.
oblivious to my pain, and the crying children.
and then HE had the nerve to be grumpy in the morning and pack up and leave before we even had breakfast.
why am I giving him another chance???
our first campout as a married couple was the worst disaster in camping history--
and that includes the Donner Party.
I nearly divorced him for that, and swore off camping with him for the rest of our lives...
can you tell I have a problem with sticking to my word??
this will be better.
and if not,
I'll be continuing this blog from prison,
because I will cheerfully (if somewhat maniacally) shove my husband off a cliff.
anyway, camping and fishing and swimming--
it'll be wonderful.

happy thursday--

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


yeah, that's why.

dammit, i was about to write something totally deep,
something starting out with the phrase, "I feel myself..."
but then I got distracted and had to start giggling about how much I do enjoy feeling myself.
so juvenile.

I didn't really have anything to say...
I'm just procrastinating folding laundry.
everything else is done, and mr. husband will be home from his looooong trip within the hour.
huge sigh of relief, followed by something akin to giddyness.
or giddiness.
I really like him.
like, a lot--
more than friends.

I just did a search to find out if that weird video clip I caught a glimpse of while at the gym was really what I thought it was.
it was.
fucking Tom Cruise.
little cradle robber.
sure, she's 26.
it's not like it's statutory, but 9 years ago it sure would have been.
and he would have been...33 to her 17.
crazy god damn celbrities.
I'm not even going to touch the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing.
I don't know why, but I hate her--
always have.
she needs to be kicked in the face.
or the crotch.
eh, make it both.

one of my darling sweet children is pleasantly requesting help locating the shirt he discarded in some unknown location.
something like that.

Humpty Dance Day

if you don't remember the moves, just join in anyway.
cuz, y'know...
the humpty dance is a chance to do the hump.
and it's Wednesday, so that's what that means.

ok, so just a quick "Bo" moment...
when I called in to vote last night...
(yes, I'm a huge loser, why do you ask?)
his voice was the one saying "thank you for voting",
and I couldn't stop pushing redial!
I wanted to just listen to him--
he was talking directly to ME!!
so then, because of all that,
I dreamed of him...
oh, sweet Bo...
he was a blogger, for the dream, and when I asked him who he thought was going to win tonight he smiled and said, "well, it's not going to be Miss Logan."
and then, in the dream, I realized her last name is not Logan, and wondered why he said that.
and there was not nearly enough sex, to suit me.
like, somewhere close to zero percent.

on Jimmy Kimmel Live, there were little girl twins interviewing Ben Stiller--
and they were hilarious--they acted exactly like my kids--
the overlapping questions, the quick subject changes.
the look on Ben's face was exactly the same as so many of the people without kids who have been assaulted by my kids' conversation.
it rocked.
twins rock.
mine graduate from preschool today...
so cute.

I sound like some sort of tv junkie...
I swear, the internet is my drug of choice!!

I went to the doctor yesterday,
and it is confirmed:
my mojo is officially missing.
yes, it was more of a "witch doctor" than an MD, but still.
my mojo has gone the way of the buffalo--
it is nearly extinct.
with it has gone my cockiness, my passion, my appetite for attention
(and destruction, even though I love GnR)
I'm pretty sure it's a weather-and-stress-induced problem...
but I guess I'm a little worried that this is just the person I become when I'm content.
is it a coincidence that "content" and "contention" have the same root?
did that make any sense?
of course not, but that's not the point.
the point is--
I am not born to be content.
I am wired for something totally different.
but, content I am.
life is good.
everywhere I look there is joy.
and, as it turns out, it is as boring as a library in hell.
I am slowly being shaped to fit the suburban housewife mold.
which shouldn't really bother me, because I am,
just that.
I'm a real, true grown-up.
with nothing more on my horizon than monogamy and making lunches.

ok, wow.
that was so fucking depressing, I had to cut out half of it,
and I still want to slit my wrists!!!!
(not really)
and I am sorry for all the downer posts lately--
I really do think I've lost my mojo,
but I'm certain it's only temporary.
in fact, I'm closing in on Dr. Evil as we speak,
and should have him captured, and the vial of mojo returned to its proper place
(shoved up my ass)
before you know it.
yes, he time travelled, disguised himself as a mermaid,
and pulled an Ursula, from Disney's The Little Mermaid:
convincing me to sing into a seashell in exchange for the ability to breathe under water...
of course, as soon as I had finished singing (or, more accurately, wailing), Dr. Evil threw off the disguise and laughed maniacally.
he then tossed me a gift certificate for SCUBA certification and equipment, so technically he kept his word.
damn loopholes.

I'll get my groove back so spectacularly that no one will even remember the name Stella.
and then you'll all be sorry.
not sorry, but something else.
I am the goddess of fickle-ness
so I'm sure I'll be back in the saddle again before too long.
probably I just need to relax.
I feel like a deer caught in the headlights--
except for the deer part.
and the headlights, really.
ah, where's Woody Allen when you need him??

ok, have a great day, and check for pictures later.
oh, and Sergei, I'm way too lazy to email or find the comments box or whatever, but the way I got the images to work for cafe press was to use Adobe Illustrator instead of Photoshop.
and yes, I feel rather like a prop plane pilot inside a space shuttle, using that.
also, it helps to choose the "save for web" option, when you're saving the file...
no, I don't know JACK. :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

as if i didn't already write enough for one day--


somebody beat me to the punch.
for bloody years I've been saying I'm going to bomb a church.
(ok, i wouldn't ever do that, even if i could figure out how...)
and on Sunday morning, a bomb went off right before the start of services.
nobody was hurt, since mormons are known for being late.
(hahaahaa--sorry, mormon joke...)

I shouldn't laugh...
they're good people.
yeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaw!

This blog needs an enema!!

or a really great Batman theme song, playing in the background.
I feel like letting out the primalest of primal screams--
cleansing my whole body with the release of pent-up angst, worry, fear, sadness--
but I'm not sure any of those things are really inside me.
I need music.

I have new distractions.
there is this AMAZING invention called "television"....
it's hard to explain, really--similar to the theater, but oh-so different
and it's quite entertaining--
considering it requires that you sit still...
and then there is something to which I fear I may become addicted beyond the possibility of rehabilitation.
PS2 Star Wars III
and I'm not even good at it!!
I can manage to walk and swing my light saber at the same time,
and that's about it...
see, I am sooooo uncoordinated,
that the only coordination I'm capable of is color.
oh, and making corny jokes, but I don't think that has anything to do with it.
anyway, it's really fun.
and it's helping allay my burning impatience to SEE the movie.
fucking husbands and their golf trips.
nah, I'm really excited for him--
he deserved a break today, and by god, if McDonald's wasn't going to give it to him,
I'm just glad he could go golf in Oregon for 5 days.
but I miss him.
and so do the kids--
"Why isn't Daddy ever here?"

and I have my orientation for college on thursday.
during which I will register for classes!
would somebody please remind me that I not only want to do this, but will kick ass at it?
ok, thanks.
At least I'll be too busy to whine.
so there's that to look forward to.
and all the pretty little 18-22 year old boys...
eye candy, just like the gym--
never fear.
I'm waaaay too shy in real life to get into trouble.

so, I met one of my neighbors last night.
the older guy with the Harley.
he was offering to run a little boot camp for my (UNRULY??) children.
in a good-natured way.
at least, I didn't take offense.
his wife came out
(to investigate, I think...)
they have 6 grown kids, so I suppose he might know a thing or two about keeping kids in line.
they're all yours, buddy!
see ya next week.

actually, he was telling them that if they don't stop throwing dirt at our house,
they'll have to come do chores for him.
this morning, they eagerly asked
when do we get to go to that guy's house and do chores?
so maybe this gives you an idea of why they're hard to punish.
My kids might just be the greatest inventions on the whole damn planet.
not that I'm objective, or anything.

I stayed up til nearly 2am, working on my Cafe Press store.
I finally figured out a way to get the printing to appear a little larger--
see, I started this thing back in October,
but gave up when I couldn't get my slogans to appear large enough to read.
this was a fearful and exhausting effort, culminating in the physical removal of Photoshop from my computer and throwing it out the window of a moving car.
I have now discovered that Adobe Illustrator works a bit better.
and there'll be no stopping me, now!!
shit, I think I might have even ordered one of my shirts.
oh yeah--
I did discover that the shirt I was so proud of comes in 3 colors,
and the graphic I added does NOT match the two colors I wasn't aware of.
so, it's back to the fucking drawing board.
ok, so I'm pretending to be exasperated,
but really I'm thrilled!!!
it gives me SOMETHING TO DO.
oh, how monotonous my life is.......
woe is motherfucking ME.
I bet you all feel just gobs and gobs of sympahty for me, don't you?

and I haven't turned on any music yet...
oh, maybe because I've been interupted 6 or 34 times since I started writing.
but at least I managed to write something.
...I think.
but I'm not going back to check.
I also think that if you're too stupid to figure out how to buy songs from Napster
that you shouldn't.
I'll just continue downloading them and listening to them here.
why is there not an obvious way to buy downloaded songs???
I did, however, find a fucking fantastic playlist, and I'll be happy with it as immobile music, for now.
who needs mobile music???
me, but that's beside the point, I guess.

I think that you'll be glad to know--
I'm finished now.
I will go, and leave you each to your respective days.
full of paperwork,
lunch dates,
play dates,
James Taylor,
James Brown,
Jesse James,
Jesse Jackson--
pick your flavor, kids.
and I'll try not to lick any hot boys while I'm at the gym.
(it won't be hard, don't worry)
I'm really going now...

Monday, May 23, 2005

Mondays smell like dirty gym socks

either that or it's time to do laundry.

yeah, the weekend was unreal.
gorgeous perfect lovely

I thought I had something to say...
but so far--

I'm just sitting here, staring at the keyboard,
playing with a hangnail,
listening to the tv playing, upstairs.
thinking I should go vacum the kids' room.
or at least have breakfast.
but I'm stuck.
i screwed myself up by doing two things which were way out of my routine:
did not shower before taking the kids to school
got back into bed and watch the recording of Good Morning America.
now I'm feeling extremely mellow--
and hungry.

this post is annoying the shit out of me, though,
I can tell you that much.
so far, I think this post is like eating lettuce.
sure, it doesn't hurt you, but it doesn't do a damn thing for you, either!

sometimes I lecture myself--
do you do that?
I'll be talking to myself (internally)
and then I'll pause to--rather exasperatedly--explain to myself what I just said.
why the fuck do I feel the need to explain something TO MYSELF?
I clearly understand it, or else I wouldn't be able to explain it.
and why the short fuse, mama??
It cracks me up whenever I notice I'm doing it.
and makes me wonder if I'm more wacko than you're average straight jacket candidate.
it's quite possible, you k now.
most crazies don't really think they're crazy, anyway.
so how would I know?
that's right.
I wouldn't.

there was something on the news this morning, about utah
and it was strange and interesting, so i was going to share it with y'all.
do you think I can remember what it was?
well, fuck no.
why would I???
I can barely remember to pick my kids up from school, or how to get to the grocery store, so why would I remember that?
shit, it was cool though.
"cool" like in a "utah's fucking lame" sorta way.
my favorite!!!

that's all I could force out for today.
if you don't like it,
go fuck yourselves.
or at least go fuck your spouse.
or the nearest consenting adult--
your choice.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

I found my church--

and it's a big one--
yeah...the earth, the sunshine, the clouds, lightening--
my ocean.
the mountains, valleys, canyons, rivers, lakes, fields, flowers, trees,
animal-mineral-vegetable, god dammmit!
all of it.
and I have spent this day in worship.
not prostrate and silent,
not in a stuffy building on a hard bench,
not singing off-key, the words of humility-faith-hope-and-charity.
not bound by my sins to the fear of one diety.
but in the most perfect and special of all places of worship.
the sun filled me up,
the joy on my little one's faces did more than all the hail marys in italy--
refreshing and healing my soul to a point of exultation angels never feel.
the cold river licking at my feet reminded me I'm alive.
is why I'm alive.

so I guess you could say I had a good day.
i'm a little sunburned,
a lot tired,
and so full of life and love that I could just burst.
I wish it was Wednesday.

so anyway...
back to earth?
standing in that fucking clear, sharp melted snow, as it rushed past us, and over the rocks--
my little Oliver turned to me and said--
(but the look on his face told me more)
"Mom, thank you for bringing me here! I love you!"
I read on his face that he felt the same as I did.
"Does it make your heart happy to be here, baby?"
"yes, mom! it makes my heart happy!! and my body happy. my body wants to come back here a lot more times--I think it'll ask its mom if it can."
the only thing that kept me tethered to earth right then was the fact that my foot was stuck in a crevice.
just kidding--
I don't know how I managed not to float off into a cloud of delirium,
and join the parasailers in the sky above Squaw Peak--
damn, they looked beautiful.
I will be up there someday.

days like this shouldn't end.

oh, I have pictures!!!
of the waterfall--
it's not usually there, but we are having flooding problems so they opened the dam
("Is that a god dam?")
and let it flow.
the water comes out of a hole in the side of the mountain, and creates a second little river, running on the same general path as the real river.
(which I hardly consider a real river, because it's not very wide. but it is long...)

If you want a favor, now's probably a good time--
I'm so damn full (of it).

breathe a sigh of relief, and clap your hands--

I'm hangover-less and the day is spread out gloriously before me!!!
picnic and bike ride, with friends.
the sun is shining, the sky is blue!!
utah summer is here--
no matter how shocking it is after that cold rainy spell.
summer could not be avoided, after all.

driving with my kids is like being on larry king live.
they are miniature Larry Kings--
I am not kidding.
they fire questions at me like a couple of machine guns--
question spilling into question.
i love it, for the most part, but wow.
oliver's the worst--
he'll ask me a question, and while I'm answering it?
"Mom?" and so goes the start of the next question.
fer chrissakes.
so much for being the smartest person in my house.
yesterday we spent all day in bed
(mommy has a hangover, be a dear and bring me a glass of water--ssshhh!! let's all practice our whispers, ok?)
watching a 2 hour discovery channel special about the space shuttle Columbia,
and what they were doing to try to solve the problem that caused the tragedy.
most of it was footage of engineers and such--
just talking.
the kids were enthralled.
we did rewind and rewatch the "3-2-1-blastoff" sequences a whole bunch of times, too,
but they paid remarkably good attention to the "boring" stuff.
then I made them go take a bath so i could watch "what not to wear".
mostly because I'm trying to figure out how to get on it!!!
$5000 to go shopping for gorgeous new clothes???
now THAT'S a no brainer--
pick me, pick me!!

also, I'm starting to freak out about raising children without any religion at all.
it's soooo strange, and not a decision I really "made".
but no matter how i feel about the mormon thing,
i do feel that some kind of religious structure is good for kids--
right/wrong, FEAR OF GOD, etc.
cuz, come on!
what can beat, "if you don't listen to mommy god will be sad."?
I need somma that.
I gotta find something--
nothing too tramatic, though,
no catholics, no 7th day adventists, or jevhovah's witnesses or christian scientists need apply.
nope, i'm not an equal opportunity worshipper.
so, if anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them.
...and are we all going to feel funny about this, coming from a usually sex-crazed freak???
I like to make people squirm.

hey, it's sundy, what the hell do you expect????
love yas--

Saturday, May 21, 2005

please....make it stop!

the hangover fairy bit me in the ass again.
which is just a friendly reminder of why I don't drink this much anymore.
godddammit, I feel terrible.
but it was worth it.
we had sooooo much fun!
so we sang a bunch of songs,
and played some HORRIBLE pool--
I kept moving the balls, so I had a good shot...
important to note:
cheaters never prosper.
but MAAAAAAAN, was I drunk.
(or "drinked" as I so cleverly decided to refer to the state...clever??? drunk ass girl)
it is funny to watch men hit on lesbians.

so we laughed a lot,
and drank a lot,
and as far as I can remember,
we had tons of fun.
crashed at Becky's place, and slept hot, dehydrated, and smelly (smoke).
woke far too early, and eventually dragged my hung-over, greezy ass back home.
I seriously do not understand how people can do that kind of thing more than once a year.
(the not waking up in my own bed part)
i mean, becky was a gracious and lovely host--
woke earlier than she would have otherwise, and joined me in the living room to croakily make each other laugh--
just enough to cover the groans of agony.
she also brought me water and advil X 4....
I drove home in my pjs, and after a not-refreshing-enough-to-kill-this-hangover shower,
I now sit here in cotton panties and a tank top.
yes, even in my wretched state I still have the good grace to blow figurative kisses to you sweet things.

hopefully we'll have some good naps (all around) so we can enjoy the fireworks tonight.
I wish I had some vodka.
and tomato juice.
and horseradish.
hubba hubba that sounds good right now.

it is quite likely that i have more to say,
but since my brain is overcooked oatmeal right now--
we're out of luck.
oh, there was a guy with a t-shirt that said, "It ain't gonna lick itself".
cracked me up.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Is it summer?

It must be summer.


tonight i'm going to drink and sing
(definitely in that order)
and I can't fucking wait.
a proper girl's night out--
and Becky
and Deidra!!!!
(and her girlyfriend, who I have met on several occasions and absolutely adore!)
it's going to be fucking awesome.
we have soooo much fun at our tame version of "Bunco" girls night.
even with all the mormons hanging around.
at a bar???
with LIQUOR????
and KARA-fucking-OKE??????
I do believe it'll be fun.
not to mention the fact that the weather is insanely perfect,
and I'm feeling rather trim after 2 weeks of working extra super hard at the gym.

so, once again, it's time for me to shower.
maybe this time I'll even get to...
no, I don't need to do that.
hubby's coming home early, so he can take care of it for me.
and besides, that's yet another piece of proof that I am the laziest person alive!
why masturbate when you can get fucked???
ok, so it takes way more work to fuck, but still.
it's the principle of it--
and besides, he gives me way better orgasms than I do.
and when will he be here????
dammmmm, now i've got myself alllll worked up.

have a happy and (re)productive weekend, everyone!!!

I feel like a brand new me!!

Or at least a bargain basement
consignment store
garage sale
but still...
actually, it seems like it's just one thing after another right now--
Just starting to feel all perky and sparkly-eyed,
and BLAM:
a second wave of spring allergies hits.
making me sleepy and snuffly.
oh well.
it'll pass.
I just heard it's supposed to be 100 degrees tomorrow.
yesterday was the first day I even turned on the air conditioner in the house!
AND we're planning on going to a living traditions festival,
and the fireworks...
but, jeez-oss.
I fucking hate being hot.
so we'll see.
maybe i'll go buy a cheap pool
and lay in it all day, then hit the fireworks.
or just drink beer all day.
and all night.
or something.
I'll call Becky.
she'll know what to do.

I dreamed of a blogger last night.
I was worried about my hair.
we were flying to Paris together,
but I didn't have a passport.
then, I joined the Alias cast in spraying anti-radioactive stuff
(out of a squirt bottle)
on these large circles of radioactive material...
we also had guns, and I kept wondering if I would have to use it--
I should have been wondering if I would know HOW to use it!!

I'm a bit of an Apprentice fan,
and I have to say, I was disappointed with his choice for the winner last night.
mostly because Kendra annoyed the shit out of me, all season.
she struck me as a ditzy girl, AND her final task seemed to be much simpler than Tana's.
oh well.
they both sucked, frankly.
(they both sucked FRANK?? who's Frank??)

my kids thought it would be fun to wake me at 7:04 this morning
fighting LOUDLY over who got to lay next to me--
on the left side.
oh, yes, I have a god damn king sized bed,
and my body was miraculously fitted with TWO SIDES,
but they'll be damned if either of them wants to lay on my right side.
oh, that's easy:
because HE wants to lay there, so I have to lay there.
like, duh.
so that was pleasant.
I have a hard time waking up anyway,
and that did NOT help.
my husband whisking them away to "time out" did, though.
aaaaaahh sweet joy of hubby taking care of unpleasantness so's I can sleep more!
it's a wonderful life.

ok, I'm off to see the wizard.
er...the shower.
which does not grant wishes
unless they consist of desire to be clean,
and very occasionally the desire to have alone time,
but really i think that has more to do with the tooth fairy and santa claus bumping uglies and I get the overspill of their joy.
I don't know.

have a super duper ultra fantastic weekend
and see me Monday.
I'll be back before then, who am I kidding???

Thursday, May 19, 2005

ok, fine--you win!

You guys all doubted me--
hell, I doubted myself
(which is far less party-rific than fucking myself, trust me)
and we were all right.
I am physically unable to go more than a couple of days without blogging.
I don't know what the longest stretch I've ever gone is,
but it can't be more than 3 days.
even when I was on vacation.
or dead.
I really did a lot of thinking, though.
and Oprah watching.
mostly, though, I just stared into space,
thinking of things I should be
could be
would be
and feeling ashamed of my lack of self control
for even considering writing.
but, I've reached hump day,
and that always puts the image of a hill in my head--
monday and tuesday are uphill
thursday and friday are downhill
I figure, I was trudging uphill against this whole "not writing" thing,
and I'm just a lazy/whimpy ole thing,
and I've gone and slid right back down the hill,
did that make ANY sense????
eh, probably not.
but since when did that matter?
and while I have you here...
could I ask you guys a reallllly fucking huge
if it's not too much trouble,
could ya pay attention to the usage of "your" and "you're"?
I know, we all rush through leaving comments,
hell, I'm lazy enough that I don't even use the "shift" key half
(or more...)
of the time, but I'll be willing to work really damn hard on that if you will do the same.
it seems like the only mistake that gets made,
but I'm sure that's just an effect of the tunnel vision brought on by drinking.
actually, I just WISH I was drinking.

my whole body is aching.
actually, no, just my uppper body.
yesterday the trainer pushed me to the breaking point,
god bless him!
and today I tried to do the same.
the result is that my biceps and back are still killer sore from yesterday,
and now my triceps and chest are grunting and groaning, too.
yowie and hallelujah, ________
shit what's the word? Sergei, h elp me out--
two sentences to be carried out, not consecutively, but at the same time, and it also starts with a "co-", faaaaaaack.
brain malfunctions are so '87.
gaw dammmmit.
I hate it when my smarts fly south for the winter--and it's May.
where the hell does that leave me??
anywho, I'm both elated and whiney, over the state of my physical...state.
who gave me permission to resume blogging???
I am clearly not fit to be composing sentences.

I had at one point suffered from the grand (dis)illusion that I might start work on a book if I put the blog aside.
fat chance, Bucko.
I didn't even get caught up on my personal emails,
and there were only TWO of them.

I've really missed blogging.
I haven't missed taking my kids to the 'Mart.
it became a necessity today, and I thought it might turn into a hostage situation, before I got to the car--
oh, the horror didn't stop when we walked out of the store.
hell no.
that would be too easy.
we had to hold up traffic for what felt like 10 minutes,
as my HELLION spawn ran out in front of a truck and cried all the way into the parking lot, as I held their damn hands onto the grocery cart to keep them from running away again--
managing to bonk max's head and step on his foot.
Shitty Mother of the Year Award nominee, at your service.
so THEN we weren't even remotely on the right side of the god damned parking lot,
but this oh-so-prettied-up shopping center has fucking grass-filled (and no, not the good kind) medians between every row of cars.
yes, so that I could practice my 4X4 skills with a fucking cart and two crying children.
jesus hates me.
and so does his mother.

so, I also managed to update my Amazon Wishlist
since my 30th birthday is only one month from Today...
hint hint
nudge nudge
wink wink
just so I won't be embarassed--
if anyone sends me a present,
you'll get a very nude picture of me as a thank you card.
my momma brought me up right.
the thank you card part, at least...
soliciting, not so much.
--for PRESENTS, you creeps!
ok, fine, i'll take money for sex, too.
oooh, wouldn't that be a great Jeopardy category?
"Yes, I'll take sex for 400, alex"
"well...ok...." (he starts undressing, with a fearful-but-resigned look on his face)
ok, maybe that's just my weirdo fantasy.
and yes, I'm a weirdo.
who fantasizes.

is it summer yet?
I do believe it is.
and there will be camping
and travel
and workouts to swamp an olympian
and at the end of this season, the children and I will start school.
fuckity fuck.

I am sooooooooooooooo glad to be back.
I can't promise that I'll stop whining,
but I think that maybe when I feel like I have nothing to say,
I'll actually--
not say anything.
'magine that.

love you all like the children I'm glad I never had...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

You don't see me....I'm not really here...

This does NOT count as blogging.
yes...I am going through painful withrawals,
and I'll probably be back soon...
But in the meantime, I couldn't resist--

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

I did one of these last year, and they're a lot of fun...
I was reminded of it by Bitter Betty,
who, coincidentally, is an amazing writer, so if you're not reading her, do so.
Also, I've added a few new links to my "new faces" section, and you should check those out, too.

dammit, for being a non-post, this is pretty damn long.
jesus, I suck.

Monday, May 16, 2005

It's official--

I'm taking the week off.
from blogging, not life.
although, that would be pretty damn cool, too.
I'll have to look into that.

have fun, be good, and sacrifice a chicken for me.
I need it.
(what?? I'm hungry...)

Saturday, May 14, 2005

I am so tired I can't even sneeze

but it feels great.
spent most of the day in the sun--
moving boxes from a storage unit to a trailer,
trailer to house.
for the mom-in-law.
(the woman of 10,000 useless items)
I even had the rare and beautiful opportunity to offer the youngest of her 6 sons a bit of wisdom...
he's 20, and was really lucky to miss out on all the years of multi-facted abuse and general hardship.
but he is far less prepared for life in the real world than his brothers,
who are battle-scarred, tough as nails, and work like their lives depend on it.
I went on to tell him that the reason my blonde haired blue eyed darling of a husband is so hard on him, is that he wants to see better from him.
"but i'm only 20"
so it's time to grow up.
he's a good kid.
dumb as a box of rocks sometimes,
but he has potential.
I'll not get into the matter of his "band"...
we went to a gig once, to be supportive...
he had prepped us, by bragging that they didn't have any songs.
that writing songs means you're a sellout.
I like him.

so now, here I sit.
feeling much less like a Tijuana hooker at day break,
than I did before my shower.
(dirty, tired, and sore)
god DAMN I moved some shit today.
I bet I burned a million and a half calories--
which is good.
and I got a sunburn--
even better.
and tomorrow?
I get to go rollerblading with J.
and have a bit of a day off.
whilst hubby and his tallest brother lay the sprinklers.

also, there was one point today when I drank some water,
and I distinctly tasted moth balls in my mouth.
also, there was more than one box full of...
scraps of paper.
one box marked "pieces of string too small to use".
at least 50 boxes of empty mason jars
and 50, 5lb buckets of wheat, dated 1972 & 1973.......
this woman is the queen of useless stuff.
it's a wealth of humor, though, and we all made good use of that.
she took it pretty welll, for the most part...

I am strongly considering taking the week off from posting.
just to clear my head,
get a fresh persepctive--
gain some god
or at least accumulate some shit to write about that is no less than 6% more hearty than the usual fare.
I am having serious bouts of mania and depression,
so I could do with a little less self-analysis...

besides, I have books to read,
just piling up on me!!
It's finally feeling like spring around here
(at least for today)
and that's got me thinking of restructuring my life.
mainly, so that it doesn't revolve (eliptically, in 24 hour increments)
around blogging...


Friday, May 13, 2005

on this day, last year--

Thursday, May 13, 2004

no title
just a quick post today.

we woke up to the sound of running water...
and running feet...
one little boy, quietly filling a glass with water and dumping it all over this desk, these computers.
it would seem that only one keyboard is beyond repair.
so that was ugly.
we're all grounded now...:)

you'll never guess who started a blog...
would you like me to link him?
yeah, so would i.
but since he hasn't given me the URL, that's not really a possibility.

and i set up an audio blogger account.
maybe i'll use this one before it deletes itself from lack of use.
but maybe not.

and i have my furnace on again.

i'm getting quite tan--for me.
if i had some tan lines, maybe i'd take a picture to show you just how tan i am.

wow, i really don't have anything to write today.
what a pathetic waste of time this was.
i would like to offer my apologies.
and i promise i'll write something at least 3% better later on today.
it'll either have: a) more violence, b) more nudity, c) more humor or d) more whining.
so, yeah--can't lose there!

have an orgasmically delicious day.

(later on that day)

promises, promises...
i hate it when i do that.
--make promises and forget all about keeping them.
but, technically it is still today, and i am here...
and i'm willing to bet i'll meet or exceed my 3% increase in goodness....

okay, forget that.
maybe not.
i love just writing and writing and writing.
and most of it is crap.
pure crap.
but then sometimes something happens.
something wicked this way comes...
something wild and hairy and strong and scary.
something soft and sweet and warm and tender.
(like chicken?)
aw crap, that reminds me--i have to go start dinner.
there, i'm back.
twenty minutes on the timer.
a full glass of raspberry daquiri...
that makes 3 times this week--does that mean i have a problem?
i like problems.
i better slow down or i'm not going to be able to drive myself to the bar later.
sounds like i have a problem....
but really, it's just my girlfriend who needed to go out and vent.
and i'm not going to drink when i get there.
hell, IF i get there.
i'm buzzed.
empty stomach...
i am going to call YOU.
hold on, let me find my audio blogger stuff.
aw crap. i have to spell??
not easy...
okay, that didn't work.
i'll have to try again--sober.

well, now it's time for me to go, so i'll leave you with a final word:
god dammit!
i just remembered tomorrow's friday...
um, that wasn't supposed to be the final word...

but whatever.
(and for the record: i am well aware that this post sucked almost as much as the last one.)
bite me.
no, not there...oooooh, right there!!! yes!!

(and just cuz i feel like it, here is the ensuing fantasy post)

Fantasy Friday, may 14th

this is getting harder and harder...
(shuh--that's what she said)

riding along in an old pick up truck, the windows open, the gravel road a tunnel of dust behind us....
the heat is heavy and thick--the wind coming in is hot.
there is a perfect spot for swimming ahead.
all i can think is: i don't have my swimming suit. and my dad would kill me.
i glance over at you, and my body fights the outside heat to remind me how you make me feel.
i've never even had a real boyfriend...
Joey Reid is taking me to the prom next week, but we've been friends since 3rd grade.
and he's just a boy.
you have no idea how much i've watched you--wanted you.
...since the day my parents hired you to train our horses for competition.
you treat me like a little sister...but today i hope to change that.
we park under a tree and you get out, tossing your cowboy hat onto the seat and bending to remove your boots.
i pull my long hair out of its clasp, letting it fall over my shoulders.
you glance up as i do this and i can see your face flush a little.
i pretend not to notice, as i slip out of my shorts and tank top.
you blush more deeply and mumble something about my dad.
he's not here.
i smile back at you as i walk toward the water in my little matching set of black lace underclothes.
your jaw drops for a second, then you hurry to catch up to me.
your towel...you offer, oblivious to the markedly different source causing the heat to radiate off me.
as i take the towel from you, i touch your hand and you take a step back.
i laugh, breaking the spell.
race ya?
i run for the dock and dive off into the cool water, without looking back.
you dive in after me and we both swim silently for a few minutes, then tread water, as we talk about the horses.
i climb up the ladder, to dive back in--
catching a look on your face that i've been hoping to see.
as i slip back into the water i'm smiling.
when i come up, you're there.
you reach out to touch the water dripping from my chin, your blue eyes boring into me.
i put a hand to your chest, as i find my footing on a rock.
there is a moment--filled with complete silence and stillness--in which we could still turn back.
in the slight movement required to lift my eyes to yours it's as if i've run a hundred miles--our world is flipped inside out.
your arms encircle me, your lips are on mine and there is only us.
touching, breathing, kissing...the water lapping around us.
you slip my bra off and toss it to the dock.
i am equally enamoured of your chest...so hard and smooth.
you take my hand and lead me back to the truck, where you pull a blanket from behind the seat and lay it under a tree.
we kneel there, kissing again as we finish undressing.
you pause, ask if i'm sure.
in answer i pull you down on top of me, wrapping my legs around your back, lazily stretching my arms above my head.
you run a finger down the length of one arm, leaning down to kiss each breast.
i shiver in the heat and tighten my legs around you.
you kiss my neck, my ears, as you slowly move into me.
the smell of wild flowers and apple blossoms fills the air, and the buzz of insects is soon drowned out by our breathing, panting--moaning.
the water has dried and is being replaced by sweat as we move together in the spare shade of a tree.

we lay back, both staring at the sky with silly grins on our faces.
you roll to your side and ask me if i'm okay, as you smooth my hair back from my face.
i smile, nodding slightly, and stand to dress.
what's your hurry?
i nod in the direction of the dirt road, causing you to scramble for your clothes.
my dad.

have a tremendous weekend, darlings.
and i'll keep ya posted on my whinings and dinings--
and winings...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

What are YOU lookin' at???

ya freak.

so my little spot of sun turned quickly to rain today,
and with it went my almost-soaring spirits....
I'm actually beginning to consider the possibility that I have depression.
I'm not letting it in, though.
stupid bastard.
I figure, it's kind of like ghosts--
if ya don't believe, then it's not real.
yeah, I know:
besides, how can it really be depression when it just comes in brief bursts--
not unlike my sex-drive flare-ups!
hey, I see a pattern!!
maybe I'm bipolar.
sex-fiend/suicidal maniac.
sweet combo.
very punk rock, don't you think?
ok, ok, I'm being ultra/uber/super dramatic--
and I don't mean any disrespect to anyone suffering from either of the named illnesses.
hell, my Dad's been diagnosed with both of those, alternately, over the past 30 years.
so it's not like i'm really being flippant about it...
I'm being an ass.
But I really am getting freaked out by these strange little dips my ole disposition has been taking lately.
I mean what the fuck is that all about???
I swear to god(and budda and allah and zeus) that I was not designed to be this happy--
my psyche is rebelling.
it isn't capable of dealing with this much perfection,
this little discord.
perhaps I should hurry and fuck up my life,
so I have a reason to go on living...
hooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
that's funny shit.
well, I guess going back to college will add enough stress to make me happy.
I'm such a god damned whiner.
but it's still bettter than...
a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

I've forgotten how to type, this week.
I keep hitting completely random keys,
and ending up with mutant, freakish words.
it's creepy.

I saw an auction on ebay
for joie de vivre.
I realized it was mine--
but then I didn't place the winning bid.
so that sucks.
but I'm pretty sure I can get some from wal-mart,
for half the price.
it might smell funny,
or be a different shade of rose colored glass...
but it'll do.
it'll do.

how is it possible to miss people you've never known?
yeah, I don't understand it either, but it happens.
i wish i wasn't so afraid to write the wrong book.
so afraid of being just crazy enough
just selfish enough
just driven enough
write the right book.

at least I wish I could stop whining.
but I did...
I just gotta work through this, whatever the fuck it is.
it's like swimming in mud.
or eating when you're already full.
sort of like having a date with destiny that you're late for because you spent too long on your hair, and coudln't find the shoes to match that purse....

thrill me.
chill me.
just don't kill me...

I think it's time to write some heavey duty porn

or at least to drool a bit over the love of my life
(whether I'll ever meet him or not)
yes, that's right.
I finally took Satisfied Spouse's cue and joined a yahoo group
so I could download all his songs...
admittedly pathetic.
and soooooooooooo in love.
now I can carry Bo with me in my pocket,
wherever I go.
well, his voice, at least.
but, helll, that's why I love him.
I don't REALLY love him.
it's more like lust and admiration.
and a deep-running willingness to bear his children or STDs.
god daaaaaaaaaamn that voice is like--
liquid sex.

so last night I finally tricked Becky into giving me back my double disc Live Pearl jam album.
I confused her by flashing Velvet Revolver at her.
no, not by flashing a revolver at her.
no, not by flashing her.
anyway, it was a good trade.
and now my eddie is crooning to me again...

should I just go ahead and call today "Lisa moons over musicians" Day???
fuck all that.

the sun is SHINING!!!
gonna grab a couple of old towels and take the kids to the park--
dry off the slides.
and I know I should stop whining about the rain...
it IS spring, after all.

and I love everything, everyone, and every--
nah, not really.
I'm happy, not drunk.
but life is good,
and I'll try to stop moping...
two and a half more weeks,
and the clouds of doom should lift pretty nicely...

and, just to clear this up--
there will be nothing pornographic today.
The thing about this site, is that I do whatever the fuck I feel like.
and unfortunately I'm rather fickle.
and besieged by insatiable children.
it's hard to think dirty thoughts with kidlets swarming....
and swarm they do.
I guess mothers aren't supposed to have peace and quiet...
so why is that the only thing in the world that I actually WANT???

I used to dream about owning a cozy little bar in one of the small coastal towns of Maine,
like the one where I grew up.
I imagined serving a customer who looked a lot like Eddie Vedder, to me.
and mentioning this to him.
he would play it off, as if he had never heard of the man, the band.
we would talk--
he, OF COURSE, would like me.
and inevitably, after much deep soul connecting and raw, dirty sex--
he would be revealed to actually be the star.
I'm so damn predictable.
so trite.

I want to stop


I want to run my fingers through my hair until my scalp bleeds.
I want to be more than I am.
I want a week alone with a computer and no distractions--
to build an adventure in my head as I experience one in my life.
I want to scream until my throat burns.
I want to suspend time and just breathe--
breathe until I fit back into the Lisa-shaped slot on the switchboard of this world.
I don't suppose there is a slot, or a way to fit into it, though...
I want to think happy thoughts until I float around the room,
like the tea party on Mary Poppins....
but I would open a window, and float across the horizon.
I wish I could drop some sunshine into a spoon, cook it up,
and inject it, eyes closed knuckles white, into my hard-to-find vein at the bend of my elbow.
I am glad I don't do drugs...
otherwise, I might do some today.
I am feeling like a blank piece of paper,
an empty mixing bowl,
a hollow....girl....
I need to be painted, filled, splattered, shaken.

I think I'll go shower now.
and head out into the world.

for some reason, this post feels chunkily down-beat.
so sorry.
have a happy thursday,
and know that I am merely wallowing in a vat of homogeny,
and I shall spike it soon.......

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I wrote the strangest post this morning...

left up while I went for a shower,
then quickly took it down before any of you had to try to figure out whether I had been possessed by benign spirits, or gotten into the sauce before breakfast...

so, here I am.
ran through my workout,
rushed home.
and still not a damn thing to say.
oh, I could probably think of some damning things.
even some damnable things--in a heartbeat.
and I guess that probably counts.
but now I'm bored with the idea of "damn-" things.
it's so passe.
so blaise.
so Rene.

My sex drive is sort of strange lately.
has these odd flare-ups,
but for the most part is in a lull.
I'm 103% positive that this is a side effect of my general sense of lethargy/apathy/ennui.........
so, no worries.
I'm just tired.
for no reason.
and that's LAME.
back to the "flare-ups"--
that makes it sound like hemoroids...
I was driving today and wanted to jump every guy I passed.
but I didn't.

I think I want a nap.
where are you...?
drove past a pond today, that's supposed to be a soccer field.
stupid rain.
note to mother nature: Utah's a desert.
this reminds me of MY take on the whole "I need you like the desert needs the rain" thing.
the desert does not need the rain.
if it got rain, it wouldn't be a desrt anymore, would it??
just like all those damn lovers who think they need someone that badly?
nope, sorry sucker.
if you got them, they would change you from what you are, so just get over it.
trust me, you're better without her/him.
she/he has halitosis and trouble holding down a job.
not to mention still lives with mother and has major stalker tendancies.

ok, then.
you're here!!!
bye, suckers--

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

It might be raining outside,

but the sun is shining in MY world.

so, I should probably apologize for bitching about getting no comments,
then turning around and NOT POSTING.
but that would mean I'm not a huge bitch,
and we can't have that.
I think my kids are getting sick of this weather.
either that or they caught a nasty case of the Whine Flu.
and me without the number to the Gypsy Children Buyers Association.
ah, well.
it's probably for the best--
I might just use it.

so there are two reasons I didn't post earlier.
You probably don't care, but I'm telling you anyway.
so sit down and shut up.
(ok, granted, you were probably already sitting, and talking while reading isn't always easy, so you were probably in a state of being shut up, already, too. fuck off.)
so mostly you can blame Chaz
because he showed up today,
like the rays of a long lost sun...
and so I had no choice but to soak him up for what little time I had before
reason number two:
an appointment with a personal trainer.
the first of my weekly visits for the next year...
just signed up yesterday.
this should be GOOD.
more than good.
it should kick my ass, and get me the fuck back on track.
today was measurements and a quick run-through of exercises.
measurements fucking suck.
oh well.
it'll be fun to watch myself improve.
he's also giving me a nutrition plan...
i don't get to eat anything good anymore,
but at least I have someone to blame.
oh yeah, and I didn't even have sex with the trainer.
I know!
see, I probably would have,
but my husband mentioned that maybe I shouldn't.
which was a good thing, because I'm pretty sure our wedding vows said something along the lines of,
"from this day forward, you can only have sex with each other. period."
and that's a pretty vague statement--
very open to interpretation, really.
silly husband.

so anywho.
that's why I didn't post this morning.
oh, I guess there's a third reason--
the fact that I drank so much coffee that I couldn't stay out of the bathroom.
and not in a good way.
(Lisa, what the fucking hell are you talking about??)

I have some new links to add,
so I better get on that,
before I forget.
It takes FOREVER for me to update my template, so I don't do it very often.
why does it take forever?
because my blog is ginormously big-ish, and it republishes the whole thing in order to update the template.
that's why.
so thanks for asking.

I think it would fucking rock
I could slice a little whole in the fabric of time,
and make a little loop of some kind.
I would be able to live an extra month anytime I wanted--
I would spend one month married to each of you,
just for kicks.
yes, even you ladies, hubba-hubba!
what a fucking great book THAT would make, eh???
the autobiography of that shit???
yessirree, bob, that'd go down like liquid gold.
er something.
anyway, it would be fun.
I know that sounds like pure silliness,
but there's this part of me that believes it should be like that.
we should be allowed unlimited chances to get it right.
we should be given choices, in the middle of our normal lives,
chances to go live in dreamland for a bit,
before coming home.
because home is always the best place to be--
that's the definition of home.
but home always feels a lot better after a sabatical.
and the world always looks a little more sparkly after a rain.

I stood in the parking lot of (god damn) wal-mart the other night.
just before sunset.
as the blue sky pushed its way through bank upon bank of heavy, dark rain-clouds.
holding hte hands of my two little angels(-in-wolves-clothing),
and basked in a smudgy, full rainbow.
it was a little diminished in its beauty,
because it appeared to be yet another product of Wal-Mart--
or an ad campaign--
so perfectly centered it was, over that building.
but I am good at seeing what I want to see.
so all I saw was the ribbon of colors,
and, glancing over my shoulder,
I saw the sun setting, giving us this moment, as its last "fuck you" to the rain clouds.
"cover me all day, will ya? ok, then. FINE! have a rainbow, bitches."
i bet the sun has attitude.
wouldn't you?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Fuck Mondays

and double fuck mondays where I only get one comment.
way to kick my tender ego right in the gut.
I don't have a tender ego.
tender Eggos, perhaps?
but not too tender, mind you.
what's the point of completely untoasted toaster waffles???
that's just silliness.
as is this.

ok, so I was looking at my class list, today.
I scanned the list and discovered that I have 18 3-credit classes to take before graduation.
that means 54 credits.
then I looked at the place where they broke down how many credits i have completed,
and how many I have left, to total 122.
since I have completed 38,
the total left was 84.
so that's 28 classes.
not 18.
but what the fuck?
where are those other TEN classes hiding???
if you're too stupid to figure out how many classes you need,
maybe you don't belong in college.
ok, so I know I'm plenty smart.
I just have really shitty study skills,
which I'm just remembering,
and beginning to panic about.
(ugh, i just ended that sentence with a preposition, but frankly I was too tired to reword it.)
AND study skills have nothing to do with why I can't figure this out.
unless you trace it back to the D- they're letting me use to fulfill my college algebra requirement...
fuck you.
see: study skills, lack thereof.
math is actually fairly easy for me, but it's one of those things...
if you don't do the homework or go to class...
you sorta tend not to learn it.
oh well.

to all 192 people who came to my site today,
and didn't leave comments--
you owe me massive amounts of ass-kissing.
and I might just mean that literally...
(make sure and get a couple of good nibbles in, too.)

either that or, drop me an email telling me how much I suck.
or how well I suck, depending on your experience.

My head is full of chicken-flavored cotton candy

it's rather uncomfortable...

so anyway.
I promised a better post, didn't I?
I am sure you know me by now--
that's not a promise I should have made.
usually, just making such a promise negates the possibility of keeping it.
I have a feeling that today might be different.
could be Joss Stone doing her Janis Joplin thang,
sound waves wrapping around me like a warm wind in the humidity of a tropical night.
or maybe it's just a coincidence.

I just did a little turtle/tortoise research.
sounds like waaaay too much work.
but have you seen hatchlings????
they're the size of a fucking quarter!
how cute would that be?
I need a pet that my kids can love,
and play with, but one without hair.
snakes are so far out of the question that I can't even see that word on this page,
and a lizard/gecko might be ok, but...a little too snake-like for this squeamish girl.
I know turtles are reptiles
(oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
but the shell sorta breaks up the whole slithery creep-out factor.
a bird might also be fun--
although mr. husband is probably allergic to those, too.
all I know is, these little scrappers of mine need to learn to nurture,
and I am NOT having another baby just so they can have a softer side of Sears.
fuck that.

so, here's a study in "how weird is Lisa?"
a few of the kids' letter magnets ended up on the fridge.
a strange assortment of letters,
resulting in only one possible word--

any other suggestions?? Posted by Hello

I am equally torn between having that word smiling out at my kitchen,
and having an incoherant babble of letters...
so, after I took that picture, I looked for more letters.
I could only find one more, but it's an improvement.

better... Posted by Hello

so, I'll ask again, "How weird is Lisa?"
no need to answer.
I'm pretty sure my assessment is on the money--
beautifully fucking weird,
in a checkerboard pattern of goofy paisley and spazzy plaid.
inside out, upside down and backwards--
feels just about

but at least I have a nice view...

doot doot doot, lookin out my bathroom window Posted by Hello

Happy Monday, ya sweet lil fuckers--

It's a beautiful day--

the tanks is clean, the sun is shining.
sorry, little bit of a Nemo flashback.

I had a fabulous Mother's Day,
and I hope the rest of you did as well.
hubby made me breakfast, and brought it to me in bed,
with a huge vase of roses.
waffles from scratch in our new waffle-maker.
and a couple of beautiful cards--
one from him, one from the kidlets.
who, by the way, made me these adorable heartshaped necklaces wtih their pictures in them, at school--
but refused to give them to me.
greedy little bastards.
anywho, he also gave me a chunk of cash, to go clothes shopping with,
and some news about summer travel.
our trip to Maine is probably back on,
AND he lined up a weekend babysitter for my birthday
so we can go away.
then he proceeded to fuck me like a man with only one day left to live,
when his buddy called to see if he could golf,
I was disinclined to say no.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and sulking--
I'm rather good at sulking.
and I couldn't call my Mom because she was at her sister's in Californina,
and I hadn't thought to get the number beforehand.
she even called ME, and I managed to miss the call.
that was disappointing.
after all, she is the world's greatest mother.
which just proves that even with a perfect example,
I'm still able to fuck up.
special kind of talent, that is.

I am groggy, rather foggy.
I think I should have breakfast.
or coffee.
or both.
but not cookies.
I should almost certainly delete this post and start over.
but I guess sometimes there are mundane details that just can't be left out.
this is a journal, after all.

I'll be back with shimmering and whispery words,
or maybe spikey and tickly words.
remind me to research turtles/tortoises as pets--
which one's easier to care for, etc.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

It was a dark and stormy night

nah, not really.
but those are among my favorites.
cool, clear nights are pretty swell, too.
and warm, soft nights, with leaves rustling, and moon shining.
mornings, on the other hand,
could be any color of the rainbow and I would feel about the same--
they're grand--
as long as I'm in bed, undisturbed.

Jack Johnson makes me want to be barefoot on the sand.
in a long skirt, with my hair loose, curls brushing on bare shoulders.
sun smiling back at me,
as I sway to its rhythm.
yes, the sun has a rhythm,
much more distict and soulful than the 24 hour cycles we see so clearly,
outlined against the night sky.
you have to stop and listen--
with your whole body, not just your ears.
but I guess that's obvious...
if you're in-tune enough to know the sun has a dance-able rhythm,
you would probably also know that you'll feel it in your limbs,
taste it in the back of your mouth, like carbonated silk.
I think that this is why crazy people aren't crazy...
just operating under the truths they make for themselves.

It's unreal, how I'm becoming the person I used to imagine I would be--
but in all the small ways,
the unexpected ways--
the unimportant ways.
like piercing my nose
or having black hair
Both of those things were things I wanted,
but didn't consider as real possibilities.
I hated my nose,
and wouldn't even consider dyeing my hair.
I also used to wonder,
as a teenager,
what it might be like to be confident,
comfortable in my own skin--
now I know.
I wish I could go back and whisper to that girl...
to hold her hand, walking down the dirt road to Lucia Beach.
and tell her the secrets of her future.
I would wink, as I breathed out the silvery words, "sex is as wonderful as you think."
I might even take a chance on her,
and encourage her to make sweet love to her first love.
I'll never have that chance...
my first love, my last love.
same name, same fate...?
I miss that teenage girl,
that innocent, sassy, respectful little thing.
It's strange, really--
the juxtaposition of those two aspects of me.
I am a hopeless rebel--
and an incurable brown-noser.
The latter has always kept me out of what little bits of trouble the former has created for me.
it's a good balance.
sometimes my ego blows my mind.
I think I'm the
even though I know I'm not.
I'm soooooooooo delusional.
but at least I know it.
it rocks.

my darling dearest husband is out shopping for me...
planning something nice for tomorrow.
he's the best.
of the best.
sometimes we think we have all the answers.
sometimes I wonder where he came from,
or where I would have ended up without him.
sometimes I feel so anchored, so solid--
because of him.
I should write more poetry about him...
it's hard to let myself really fall into him,
because it would matter
if I lost him.
sometimes he says things that tear through me like a scalpel through a veil--
because he's human and he fumbles...
his realization of the wrong words at the wrong time are what make me love him more.
his retractions.
"but I love your fat belly" is NEVER the right answer, boys.
so yeah, I'm a girl.
not as often as I am a woman.
or one of the guys.
I want to play poker tonight!!
drink beer.
eat chips.
I miss being able to live life from moment to moment--
fly by the seat of my pants?
run through a week, a month, a year,
like a child in a field of wild blueberries,
on a hilltop, slabs of limestone exposed--
I belong there.
trees, fireflies
pounding surf
angry winters,
I'll visit my sister on the peninsula of maryland, though.
that'll be close enough for this year, I think.
Making peace with where I am has been freeing.
but I'm still a Maine girl.

happy mother's day,
mother fuckers.
that gives me an idea--
I should get my husband a t-shirt that says "mother fucker",
and myself a matching one that says "fucked mother".
or something totally friggin lame like that.
lame I say, lame.
It would make me giggle, though, and that's all that matters.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Coolest thing just happened

I got a phone call from a woman who was in foster care,
as a teenager--
lived with us for several years.
I was 4 when she moved in, so she was a big part of my childhood memories.
Haven't seen her since I was 10 or so, I think.
she's been keeping in touch with my mom over the years,
but still.
it was VERY cool.
she sounds happy and grown up...
she was quite a wild thing back in the day.
and now her baby, the one she had a couple of years after she moved out of our house, and then moved back in with us for a few months with him just because she had nowhere to go--
that baby is graduating high school.
we swapped email addresses, so we can send pictures, etc.
it was just frickin awesome.
such cheer!
broke my inexplicable sour mood, anyway.
I think she thinks I'm still Mormon...
I better break it to her gently.
oh yeah, she got placed with us because when they asked for a religioius preference she circled "mormon" because she had a crush on Donnie Osmond!!!
whcih reminds me...
I was asking the head cleaning lady yesterday why she wasn't home celebrating Cinco de Mayo--
she was expressing her disinterest,
and noted that "Marie Osmond's husband asked me the same thing."
am I a total geek because I think it ROCKS that the same people clean MY house,
as hers???
well, fuck you--
I think it's cool.

and if this post bored you, you can lick me.
or, you can read the one below, or at least check out the picture...
have a non-shitty weekend.