Sunday, October 31, 2004

inside out, upside down, and backwards...

but a good day, i think.
i can't remember.
a tumbler full of jungle juice has wiped away all my tears.
okay, so i didn't have tears.
but there were some amazing salt water fishtanks at that party.
and sluttly looking dorothy (W of Oz)--very cute.
and the girl who dropped X and kept hugging everyone
and asking me if i thought she was annoying for a 17 year old.
no, sweetie, you're surprisingly, refreshingly mature and adorable.
a day for cancelled appointments and finally a day of sunshine--
the most perfect round of trick or treating EVER...
the kids...
my babies!!!
so DAMN cute.
showing me each peice of candy as they left each door...
and twin B, scared stiff for the first few houses, refusing to go...
finally answering the sweet call of the candy...

and meeting two people with my name.
and not quite realizing it at first, in either case.
because my name, as mundane as it is, sounds different when referring to someone else.
and meeting someone who i have heard of for months now...
but pictured as a 50-ish, bald business man.
so very not.
and learning that he reads (or has read) this silly thing.
thanks hubby...
but mostly, hoping that my nervous chatter didn't scare away the wife...
she reminded me of home and of the kind of person i think i may have been once or should be...
a quieter, more centered person...
so very gracious and sweet--
me...i talk too fast when i'm nervous, and i'm usually nervous when i'm meeting someone new.
oh well.

we did not, however, get to visit any motherfucking god damn cock sucking houses.
i suppose this one counts...
i am a mother, who gets fucked.
i suck cock (greedily, sometimes...slowly and dreamily other times...)
but i was talking about NEW houses.
ones with signs in the yard.
begging to be bought...
take me home...
er, well...make me home, they would be more likely to beg.
you get the point.
or if you don't...
go fuck yourself.
jeeez...i need a new line.
i say that waaay too much.
it's losing some of its flavor.
some of its punch.
some of its...
power to move and groove and slap you across the face like the manicured hand of a spoiled prom queen.

i thought i may have been drugged.
because life is so soft and floaty...
and i ate.
but i still felt drunk around the edges...
like a white rose with red tips...
or like the ring of pond scum around the edge of that pond in my best friends yard back home...
yeah, the latter.
do you know i hate that word.
ask didamo.
fucking fucking fucking mormons.
who, ironically enough, rarely fuck.
that would be too crude.
poor suckers.

you all have the happiest of halloweens.
and i wish i could hug you all right now.
because i'm that kind of drunk.
i love you, man...

Saturday, October 30, 2004

crazy things happen with a full moon in the sky

but not as crazy as when there's a full moon lodged into the side of a mountain...
(scary shit, that.)

i had a point.
oh, well, for one thing--
i have to pee.
now, normally, this isn't much of an issue.
we have two bathrooms.
it is the final day of operation "Replace the blaah linoleum with great looking fake tile/pergo shit".
you guessed it.
both toilets have been removed.
one of the bathrooms is finished, so the toilet could be replaced any time...
but i won't hold my breath.
(i will, however, hold it...)

the next full moon occurence is that i just changed into my PJs.
also not remarkable--
at first glance.
i accomplished this task wtih no less than two men standing just around the corner.
no door.
no warning--
they could have walked in at any time.
i live for adrenaline rushes, what can i say?

i think every article of clothing in this house is dirty.
and every towel.
good thing they'll be able to move the appliances back in tonight.
no they won't.
the dude who has the tools to reattach the baseboards is coming TOMORROW.

deep breath.
will you all join with me in cursing our ridiculous court system?
for jaling a man on an extremely minor violation, the day before he was supposed to save my ass from this headache????
stupid judge.
enough whining.

let's talk about sex.
or at least birds, with optional bees.
too tired.
too much to do, that can't be done.
too much to say, that can't be said...
damn, those beatles really knew their shit...

i can't believe i forgot to plug this better...
National Novel Writing Month...
starts monday!!!
it is the most adrenaline-packed, exhilarating experience you can have--besides going to 6 flags on coke...
(or so i hear)
not only because i said,
but because deep down, you know you want to.


just as we were winding up for the night (midnight or so),
i heard a faint meowing coming from the heating vent...
kitty had gone on an expedition into one of the uncovered vents.
she ended up sliding down through the ventilation system and landing near the furnace itself.
good thing it didn't turn on during that time!
so, hubby took the damned thing apart and lovingly extracted his little enemy.
"lovingly" because he loves me and i love the cat, so therefore vicariously--
*cough*south park *cough*
anyway, you get the idea.
oh what?
TELL me you know the mr. hanky the christmas poo song??
he's mr. hanky, the christmas poo
he loves me and i love you
therefore vicariously-----
he loves you too

so i woke to a quiet house today...
usually kidlets pouncing like hungry lions is what passes for an alarm clock in my world...
but today i was having a deeply disturbing dream,
and it woke me.
i couldn't go back to sleep, even though i'd only had about 5 hours.
i was dreaming about a man who sexually assaulted someone fairly close to me.
he, the perpetrator, is someone she knew well--and i knew casually.
this happened a month or two ago, but he just got released from jail, on bail.
(i've always hated the fact that those two words rhyme)
in the dream he was in my house, intimidating me--trying to hit me.
i was all fired up--
not taking any shit, hitting back--i scared him.
feeling protective of my little friend, i guess.

so today we're off to SEE houses for the first time!
and our agent is coming to put a sign in our yard and list us.

have a great day--

Friday, October 29, 2004

Fantasy Friday XXXXVII -- Guest Post

I dropped the 'phone back into my pocket and sighed.
There was no answer.
Had I really believed there would be?
This was the third time now; the third time that I had sat here waiting..
I flicked a five dollar note onto the counter, and stepped through the open door. Except for the Harley, the lot was empty; I gazed pointlessly at the space her car normally filled, wondering how different the day might have been if she had arrived.
Fuck it.
I kicked the Harley into life. The thumping iron heart comforted me a little, and I rolled carefully out onto the pavement.
This is for you, baby.
I wound the throttle back, and the pipes bellowed with the rage as the bike surged forward. It just didn't feel right without her behind me, arms around my chest her legs squeezing my sides.
Just as I got up about 80, I noticed a car on the side of the freeway.
Please don't be a cop..
As I drew closer, and realised it was HER car. I pulled up, and walked over to the passenger door.
"Hey, baby", she said smiling.
I so badly wanted to tell her how pissed off I was, but that smile melted me.
"What's up?"
"I got a flat. I'm sorry I tried to call, but my cell is out."
"S'OK, you got a spare?"
"Jeezus woman, what the HELL were you thinking? What would you have done if I hadn't come past?"
"I knew you would."
Woman's logic. No point in arguing.
"So what now?"
She smiled again. I began to feel the pressure in my pants. She had a talent for that; the slightest look, a smile, a wink. And she knew about timing too. Packed bars, busy diners and now, the side of a deserted highway.
"Why not? You frightened we might get seen by a coyote?"
"I was thinking more of police cruisers."
"Oh, the big bad biker has a conscience?"
"Fuck you, asshole."
She moved over to the passenger seat and put her feet down onto the dirt. She had a short skirt on, and I could clearly see her panties.
"You want me, baby?". She spread her legs.
My eyes took the trail from the ground up; half length cowgirl boots, smooth sun-browned legs, suede mini-skirt, that black lace triangle, the short jacket, the tight tee-shirt, the dark curls of hair falling over her shoulders. No doubt, she was hot.
"Maybe.", I replied.
"Fuck YOU, asshole.".
I knelt between her legs and we kissed. She wrapped her legs around me, at the same time reaching down to my fly. A moment later I felt her soft fingers wrap around my cock.
"Oh, baby!", she whispered teasingly. "We HAVE been deprived."
Her legs pulled me up against her, and she used the spare hand to pull aside the thin lace covering her pussy. After some awkward shuffling, I felt myself slipping into her. We fucked eagerly, her tight, hot pussy sucking me in, wanting more.
"I want to feel you all.".
She turned over, lifting her skirt up to her waist. She rolled the lace panties down her legs and her pussy glistened invitingly.
Shuffling up behind her, I slid back into it's warmth.
She gasped and moaned as we moved against each other, the streeses of the day being ironed out through our passion.
We climaxed together, the heat bathing us like a warm breeze.
"Baby, I miss you.", I whispered.
"Me too, honey. Me too."
She used my cell to call recovery, and ten minutes later I watched her car disappearing into the distance.
I rode back to the diner, and parked the Harley outside. The dingy place seemed a little brighter now.
I ordered coffee and pancakes, and stared out of the window. Happily.

Just a couple of pictures to tide you over....

and check back soon for an incredibly sexy guest post...

for those of you who missed the other thigh shot--and for god's sake, if you have a funky monitor and it looks like shit, don't blame me. i have GREAT thighs. fuckers. Posted by Hello

just a few more pieces and the puzzle would be complete... Posted by Hello

how many times am i going to post today??

i think i may have hit a new record of posts for a day.
whoopdee fuckin doo.

just got home from the bar.
two things:
A--i haven't even thought about fantasy fucking friday and
2--some guy showed us his prince albert.
in fairness, we did ask...
also, that was one of the coolest things to happen to me at a bar in a long time.
i need to get a life.

oh, and if you don't know what a prince albert is...
you're missing out.
and you can go here--
to find out more.
highly stimulating reading.

something else.
oh yeah, we sang a song that i couldn't sing.
which isn't much of a surprise, but i still hate it.
Creep, Radiohead.
great song.
i can't sing worth a shit, however.
we put in a thing for candlebox (again),
but we left before our turn.
sang it last time...
rocked it.

i'm not drunk.

i'm going to get laid.
not give laid?
stupid expression.
i don't "get" laid.
i am an active participant, god dammmmit!

i think i just used an exclamation point.
i don't do that very often.

i like this format.

i like your new haircut.
it makes you look older, but in a good way.

i don't see how anything--most especially children--
could be cheaper by the dozen.
but i read the book when i was a youngster and rather enjoyed it.
probably moreso than you're enjoying this.
wait, no.
probably less so.

and i figured out--
because the fucking rain finally stopped--
that it's A FULL MOON.
that's my motherfucking problem
so there.
fuck you all.
no really--call me ;)

later suckers--

Thursday, October 28, 2004

retractions, apologies, and nipples... that the pseudo-pms dust has settled...
i'll properly resond to the comments from yesterday...
hey, nothing like a little emotional outburst to start a bland thursday, right?? :)

oh shit, now i feel like i'm copyKAT-ing Kat...
immitation/flattery, blah blah blah.
go read her if you don't.

in order of appearance:

Rick--that's the spirit!!

Charles--oops...sorry...i CERTAINLY didn't mean it as an insult to Basques...but i love the stories of your crazy youth!! And yes, i did (most heartily) recommend that book. never thought of it as a cult thing, but i can see how it would be.


Becky--good idea. would go well with you telling that kid to quit fucking whining. heheeee.

Thomas--well, um...thanks, i guess. (enter first part of pms/insecurity demon...)

Jerry--i loved the first half of your comment...too bad my fucked up "girl" glasses had to go and distort the rest of, not all of the heels are packed...

Rick--sure to bring a smile to the lips of even the most hormonally-depraved woman... thank you so much!

Edge--yeah...sorry 'bout that. i don't think you missed much, though...heh.

Didamo--you, doll, should teach self-confidence seminars!! that was the sweetest tribute from a friend i've had in a long while...thank you so much! (and pick out a damn song for karaoke, woman---it's on!

I'm skipping Chaz's comments for two reasons: one, i actually commented on his already...and two, because if i drool any more over him, i may end up drowning us all...

Becky--good lord, i'm scared now!! i think i all of a sudden remembered i have an appointment tonight, so i'll be skipping karaoke...

And here's my next thought...
maybe i should put the picture back up...
and we can all vote on its hotness, on a scale from one to GO FUCK YOURSELF.
but it really does scare me--
how different it looked on my friend's monitor...
i mean...
i don't generally post pictures of my partially nude self unless i think they're somewhere in the "better than average" category...
also to be read as: better than YOU. heh.
i mean, i really liked that picture...i thought it was hot.
then i got to my friend's house and checked to see if i had any new comments
(cuz i'm fucking addicted like that)
and was greeted by the fattest piece of shit i've ever seen.
so now you all know that i can be a bundle of nerves, too.
but mostly?
i just don't give a shit what other people think, and i'm happy with who/what/why i am...
not so much with "where" i am, but that's another tale for another time...
nah, utah's much better than i thought.
and so are you.
i really do offer my deepest apologies for being such a shit head.

and on that note, a quote from a friend--to her 4 year old,
"You can't just call your brother names and get away with it, shit-tard!....uh, okay. you can be finished in time out..."

and i really was going to post a picture, but my new computer doesn't have either of the fucking programs i need.

now i'm going bowling.
with 4 kids under 5.
and Becky.
god help us...

i should know better.

i just should.
men are world-reknowned for saying the wrong thing.
i just won't be posting any pictures for a long, long time.

also, it's entirely possible that PMS is catching.
i thought i was the anti-PMS fairy,
but i imagine that if i was,
i would be immune to catching pms.
yes, i said anti-pms fairy.
spent the evening with Becky,
hiding from the carpet cleaners.
we had fun, but my point is that she was not happy when i got there,
and she was happy when i left.
that doesn't sound good!!
what i mean is, i cheered her up.
but i woke up with a chip on my shoulder.
for no reason.
and then i read my comments.

so today we're taking all the kids bowling.
and i will pick up some fucking Midol.

i have a new computer.
i also have a long list of tasks to complete today.
double yay.

aren't you glad you bothered to stop off here???

i suppose i could try--
just a little bit...

sunshine and roses,
chocolate and bunnies,
let's start a bonfire.
this is stupid.
i don't have pms.
i don't.
i don't!!!
i might be tired.
or hungry.
or maybe i'm just a bitch.
but the calendar says no.
god DAMMIT i hate it when i don't have a good excuse for being a pain in the ass.

and if i hadn't just sworn off posting pictures, i might just give you one to make up for the bitchiness.
but the thought of looking at myself right now is nauseating.
so have a happy thursday and pretend you never read any of this.
thank you very much, please drive through.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

picture removed---

due to viewing it on a different monitor and finding it grossly offensive.
and by "gross" i mean, like the french word--grosse.

and now i'm being forced to exercise great restraint by not going to buzznet and removing any similarly offensive pictures.

i think today is Insecure Day.
a Honduras national holiday, celebrated with brown fireworks, chicken cake, and beautifully wrapped (but empty) gift boxes.
it's a favorite among the Basques as well.

knock knock.
--who's there?

i don't think it's a coincidence--

that MORNING and MOURNING sound the same.
and are so closely related in spelling.
but i AM amazed that i had never noticed that before.
maybe i'm part bear...
so when i get woken from hibernation i am justified to behave as they do...?
okay, maybe not.

and now the wind got knocked out of me.
i guess that's what i get for trying to write a post and chat at the same time.
seems like blogger isn't working very well right now anyway.

sometimes i really hate how my emotions fuck with me.
in most areas of life, i'm pretty much "cool as a cucumber."
but when it comes to...
that one thing...
well, i guess i'm still not perfect.
yes, i'll agree that i'm pretty damn close. heh.
but i wish i could just stop reacting incorrectly.
stop saying the wrong things.
stop acting like some insecure asshole that i'd kick in the face for being so lame.

And, thanks to blogger's sorry ass being stubborn and unmanageable--
You now get to have a fucking rollercoaster of a post.

The storm has passed.
The clouds have cleared.
The sunshine has returned...

i was going to write an Ode to Dropload
because i said i would, but that was before my little tantrum.
And now I forgot what I was going to say--
Actually, I just couldn't think of a suitable poem,
So this is a good excuse not to write one.
Instead, this is all I have:
if you're not using Dropload on a regular basis, you should be.
Powerful, wasn't it?
And moving.
Good golly, I'm a creative genius!!
they should hire me to run their ad campaign!!

Wanna hear something funny?
And by "funny" I really just mean something that might make you uncomfortable.
So...funny for me, but not necessarily for you.
Nah, I'm getting dramatic.
It really is just plain funny.
We have this gorgeous set of sheets--
Super high thread count--soft, smooth, wonderful.
So we noticed a small hole the other day.
We were a bit shocked, hubby suggested blaming the kitty.
Upon closer inspection, it was torn from wear...
And there was another worn spot...
These two spots are in the exact location of where his knees are when he's...
Here comes the awkward part--
Soooooooo funny.
I mean...they're really nice sheets...

And here's a bit of a lovely IM conversation...

him: Were you upset when you found that Santa didn't exist?
her: no
her: i don't remember ever believing
him: I still believe.
her: you do?
him: I believe in love..
him: in happiness
him: in dreams..
him: in peace
him: in all those things that SHOULD exist.

her: i'm scared to believe in such big concepts, since the one thing i believed in most in my whole life let me down, pissed on me, and left me shivering in the cold. (religion)
him: It's a terrible irony that religion gave you the power to doubt.
her: yes...
him: You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met...
him: and you helped me to affirm some of these beliefs..
him: including purity of heart

her: what you just said...
her: knocked the breath out of me
him: I hope so.. I mean it
her: yes, i can feel that....and you?
her: you have taught me that dreams come true.
her: and not solely over the rainbow.

sometimes chatting is a time-filling casual thing...
sometimes chatting is hot and steamy...
and sometimes...
sometimes it's deep.

so yesterday my brother stopped by with his new motorcycle.
it's gorgeous.
my first motorcycle rides were with him--
he's about 14 years older than i am, so--
he couldn't be.
12? shit, something like that.
yeah, i think 12.
so the point is, he was a teenager, giving a 4-8 year old rides on a motorcycle, and a snowmobile.
both of those brothers did, but he's still into that stuff, and i imagine that's where i learned to love speed and the wind in my hair.
so it's kinda creepy that i find motorcycles so sexual.
i'll save THAT ONE for my therapist.
...if i ever go to one.
anyway, hopefully he'll let my husband take me for a ride on it--
cuz i am pretty sure i'm phsyically unable to ride on a motorcycle without becoming aroused.
i mean...
i could probably do it if i focused really hard, but...
what the HELL is the fun of riding a motorcycle without all the sexy thoughts??
okay, so it's still fun, but...
my days of innocent fun are long gone.
so anyway.

this has been the longest, strangest post i've written since...
at least yesterday.

have a fan-FUCKING-tastic day.
and don't forget to--
braless tuesday...
i forgot it...
i almost said, "don't forget to leave your bra at home."
but today is wednesday.
oh, you'll be getting pictures for THAT ONE, my friends.
you will.

stay tuned...

Monday, October 25, 2004

i'll try not to rant about the house...

no, i won't.
who am i kidding?

today was highly productive.
that's french for "exhausting".
or spanish?
how scary is it that it took 24 man-hours to clean my house today???
a crew of 6 spent 4 hours...
yes, it was expensive--
but oh so worth it.
my ugly as fuck light fixtures sparkle...
my gorgeous 2-inch wooden blinds are smooth as butter.
my appliances look brand new.
and yes, i did do a lot of work to prepare for their arrival.
someone made fun of me.
and that's okay.
my house now sparkles and it would've taken me all week to make it look this good.
and frankly, i wouldn't have done half this much.
so....YAAAAAAAAAAAAY for illegals.
i mean cleaning services.

my neck is fucking killing me.
it's from this one stupid exercise i do at the gym.

i just ate something from under my fingernail that i thought was chocolate.
it was decidedly not.
but do you want to know what my favorite part of my son's peanut allergy is?
yes, there is a silver lining...
on halloween, i get to screen his loot and keep all the peanuty stuff.

which reminds me--
i love making up words, and i haven't added a new one in quite a while.
i was thinking of one this morning...
what was it?
can't remember.
but another thing was when i was trying to say my kids are more unruly than blah blah blah--
well, a rule of grammar is that you wouldn't say something is "more un-" you should just drop the "un-" and use "less" instead of "more"....
so they are less ruly....??
that would be hilarious.
just to say shit like that and pretend it's correct.
"yeah, my kids are less ruly than a school bus full of 10 year olds on a field trip."
or something.
i thought if i took my mind off it, i would remember the other word...
it was perhaps...
that was the word i started with.
and then i was thinking how fun it would be to change the part of speech--
a few times.
like: "malcontentiveness" or "malcontenterific".
okay, nevermind.
sometimes i have what i think are really cool ideas, when i'm driving along.
and i usually only remember the crappy ones.
oh well.
at leat my house is clean.
now if someone could just buy the damn shit hole before i stank it all up again,
that would be super swellerific.

i was thinking of posting some provocative picture, but then i remembered i don't have my FTP software on this m achine.
i could use that hello/picasso thingy that blogger was pushing, like crack in a playground.

but maybe i just want to go to sleep.
yes, it's almost nine.
aren't YOU in bed???
i mean, jesus chroist
(not a typo. just a fun pronunciation...)
early to bed, late to rise, makes a woman healthy, wealthy and wise. (and horny.)

monday's are for chicken soup

but NOT for the soul.
my soul doesn't need to start eating, too--
do you know how fat i'd get, then???
eh, i'm just bitter because i didn't think of selling sap to the masses.

it's so foggy i can't see my mountains.
which is odd, cuz they're like, a mile away.
we've gotten so much snow already!!
i hope it's a great ski season...
and why?
oh, that's right--
cuz i'm buying a house at the bottom of either big or little cottonwood canyon...
do i know which one?
hell no.
will i figure it out anytime in the first 6 months i live there?
wouldn't count on it.
do i like asking questions and answering them myself?
hell yes.
today at least.

i have more than a shitload to do today...
so what is that?
an ass load?
a fuck load?
something like that.
we got SO MUCH work done yesterday, though.
i packed probably 50% of our shit, and sent it off to the storage unit.
and hubby did a bunch of painting, and small repairs.
kids have their preschool halloween party today,
then the cleaning crew is coming, to do a deep cleaning--
blinds, light fixtures, etc.
(during which i'll take the kids and go to the gym and a fastfood playland.)
and then after the kids go to bed,
we're laying the new floor in the kitchen...
i love it, though.

so that's it for the Sell House/Buy House Saga for today.
aw, crap.
and i have to do a bunch of other stuff, too.
better click publish and slowly back away from this machine....

sorry to be so boring today.
if you don't like it, you are--as always--welcome to go fuck yourselves.
have a fabulous day.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

peace...quiet--what the fuck???

i think i'm in the twilight zone.
peace AND quiet.
it's insanely confusing and exciting--
and thus, confusing.
so, i'll write.

yesterday turned out to be a colossal waste of time.
we got about two hours of actual work done on this stupid house.
but, we did have sex twice and get some of the supplies we needed.
(for the home repairs, not for the sex)
and we went to a lovely sushi-themed dinner party.
it was a wonderful evening.
not only did i feel like a real grown up--
sushi, caviar, wine
(okay, fine i stuck to beer)
but we also met two new couples who were just...
okay, so when i stepped through the door,
my sight was filled with a tall dark and
oh my god!! handsome man.
standing next his wife, of course.
but i was a good girl--
no inappropriate flirting or anything.
lovely lovely conversations, all around.
actually caught him checking me out a bit, too.
and for a second i thought of asking our hosts if this was a swingers party...
and following up with, "well, can it be???"
but i didn't.
i'm just being dramatic, anyway.
everyone was great.
although, the geologist thinks i'm a moron, i'm fairly sure.
we were talking about the evils of DeBeers and the diamond propaganda they started back in 1927.
and he mentioned a new discovery in canada of a diamond mine, by someone other than debeers.
i said, "oh must be interested in diamonds?"
have another beer, lisa.
we laughed, it was no big deal.
we all agreed that going to an opera together would be fun...
don't laugh--
i love opera.
i know you imagine that i am crass and loud and unsuitable for genteel company...
and you may be right.
but i know how to behave when i must.
and then the other couple was talking about how they have chickens.
i asked if they use them just for the eggs or if they ever kill the chickens.
they said they killed one, because they bought 4 chicks, and one turned out to be a rooster--
(there's another joke there, something about crossdressers...)
his cockadoodledoo-ing was starting to really bother the neighbors,
so they axed him.
we talked more about the chickens, etc, and then my husband joined the conversation
he asked if they ate them, or just ate the eggs.
to recap, we all filled in the story quickly--
yeah they killed a rooster once
he asked why
i piped up--
because he was a cock....
everyone roared with laughter.
and me?
i couldn't wait to get home and write it here.

so today we're going to work hard all day on the house.
tomorrow the cleaning company comes,
to do the blinds and windows and light fixtures and walls...
yes, i'm lazy.
so what??
and on wednesday it's carpet cleaners.
then we list.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

just a little saturday morning lovin'

well, not sex-type lovin'--don't get your hopes up.
(or anything else)
just rambling love.

i have my traditional saturday morning headache--
which is barely discernible from the sunday morning version...
but they are different.
different enough to rate separate names.

jesus christ.
i've cycled through every computer in my house in the past 2 days,
and have landed on my kids'.
hubby took my laptop, to be replaced with a regular pc.
so i used his.
i managed to crash it like drunk 12 year old in a yugo.
now i'm using the boys' puter.
it freezes on occasion, and has to be rebooted.
i hate it when my computer genius husband isn't around to make it all better.
this keyboard blows.

i also hate it when one of my 4 year olds leaves the entire bottom half of his clothing in the bathroom after using it.
it's kinda cute--little bums peeking out under shirts, little legs...
i hate chasing them around the house trying to make them get dressed again.
i'm such a fucking doormat.
i always planned on being strict...
don't know what happened.
but i think i'll blame it on the fact that they're twins.
works for everything else, why not?

had a wonderful family dinner last night--
sushi, hibachi cooking, and great conversations.
then to the bar with Becky.
there was a band instead of karaoke, but it they were good.
some guy thought i was someone he knew--
asked me when i got my nose ring.
i looked at him funny and said, "march"
he looked back at me, funny.
then a few minutes later he came back over and explained that he thought i was someone else.
apparently i have more than one doppelganger (sp?)
this is not the first time i've been mistaken for someone else, close up.
oh well.

i have a ton of stuff to do today.
so i think i'll read a few more blogs,
scratch my ass,
chat for a bit,
and then get started.
maybe i'll actually get moving.
and i have to pee, so that'll at least get me out of the chair...
can't guarantee i won't come right back, though.
i love procrastinating.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

it's still raining in this high desert

and i'm stil hungry.
i could go back, and add another 'l' to that word.
but i don't want to.
it took much more energy to type about it, rather than do it.
do i care?
i felt like copping a little attitude just then, that's what.
for no reason.
in fact, i've been sorta crotchety all evening.
also for no reason.
my husband said he loved me.
i said, "even when i'm ornery??"
he said, "especially when you're ornery."
i gave him a yeah-whatever laugh...
but he held out his arms and i smiled.
"it's're hot when your ornery."
i snuggled in.
he's the best husband i've ever had.

so my shoulders are killing me already.
i worked out hard today--it was great.
blah blah fucking BLAH.

is this what you come here for???
me, alternating between whining and bragging??
i don't think so.
and frankly, it's not why i come here.
i come here...
because i am in love.
with writing,
with reading,
with kind words of strangers.
i am in love with the sky and the moon and the mountains and the ocean
i am in love with my kids
i am in love with adventure and reckless abandon--
with driving fast, wind in my hair
i am in love with good conversation
i am in love with good food, good drink, and good friends,
i am in love with thongs--
with hot baths and cold showers...
i am in love with pleasure.
i am in love with being in love.

i am about to throw my kitty across the room, though.
she thinks that lying on my desk--half on my keyboard, half on my mouse--
is a good idea.
i disagree.

i need a beer.
that's the problem.
i need a frozen mudslide with too much whipped cream.
i need another 6 orgasms, to make an even dozen today.
i need someone to rip my nose ring out, because the hole is too tight to let the little knobby end thinger out and i'd like to change it...
i need someone to rub my shoudlers and tell me sweet lies (you're beautifulperfectamazingagoddessdestinedtowinanobelpeaceprize).
i need to figure out how to bestow self-confidence on others, like a fairy god mother.
i need to drop ten pounds before metallica so i can buy leather pants.
i need someone to show me how to wear makeup, for just such occassions.
i need to not get turned on by the voice of the first lady on the west wing...
and i can't believe i can't think of her name.
(i'm a huge grease fan.)
i need to find a cure for peanut allergy cuz it's just not american for my son to be missing out on reese's peanut butter cups.
i need to run away to moab with jasmine for the weekend.
and talk until our jaws hurt.
i need to run away to montana to see julie for the weekend.
and talk until our jaws hurt.

today while i was driving, i thought:
if i focus really hard...
i think i could leave my body and appear in a different location.
but i was driving, so i didn't want to risk it.

there are...
so many things i want to say sometimes,
but i can't.
there are...
so many times i want to do something--
i don't even know what, but i am flooded with the need to leap out of my seat and go, do, be, have.....

i am thrilled that the Red Sox are this close to being in the world series...
i am not a fan of professional sports.
but i LOVE baseball, the game.
and i love boston.
and i love underdogs.

i am fairly certain that i have rambled just to that point of "enough",
without crossing to "too much"...
hahahaha---that's funny.
it was definitely too much.
but i feel better, so thanks.

maybe an audio post soon.
even though i never have anything to say on them...
oh yeah!
i could read one of my fantasies...
have a happy thursday, wherever you are--

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

end day one: operation sell a house/buy a house

feeling good.
got a lot done...
hit the first major snag.
and it's a biggun.
the guy we had hired to do all the repair work...
appeared in court for something or other--
and got sent back to jail.
no passing fucking Go.
no collecting god damned $200
he had no "get out of jail free" card, either.
we're looking into finding him one, though.
fuckity fuckity.
i guess that's whatcha git for hiring an in and out of jailer.
poor guy, though.
he was actually going to do the right thing and WORK a few days, and he got denied the chance.

okay here's the funniest damn thing i've ever come up with!!!
are you ready?
cuz it's gooooooood.
and when i say "goooooood" i really good.
(shit, someone remind me to email Didamo and if you're not reading her, shame on you.)
where was I??
oh yeah.
funny thing.
went shopping with Becky for a quick spell,
(not a witch's type spell, just for the record)
and as we pulled into the parking lot, there was a man walking.
she said something about his visual appeal,
and i replied with, "did you spill your coffee in my lap or am i just happy to see him?"
i'm going to patent that.
it's MINE.
don't steal it.
you wouldn't use it, let alone want anyone to think you came up with it yourself?
fuck you then.
i think i'm funny.
and so does Becky.
(or at least she's good at pretending...)
we laughed for a bit over it.
then craned our necks for another look.
i swear to Zeus, i'm like a guy that way.
and not just any guy--
a construction worker, for chrissakes.
i'm a cat caller.
a "hey baby"-er.
i narrowly escape getting sued for sexual harassment at least twice a week.

so, speaking of my two real life friends who are bloggers...
the three of us are going to karaoke.
and SOON.
there will be pictures.
there will be audio.
there will be making out.
there will be---
(coming soon to a theater near you)

that was going to be my sign off.
but i'm not finished.
i'm slightly wound up.
don't know why.

well, while i'm mentioning blogs you should be reading...
holy christ, why aren't more of you reading Matt's silken scarf-like words?
and i have a couple of new readers, who i'll add to my sidebar as soon as i have 20 minutes to spare for publishing this monster, cursing violently, and re-publishing until it takes...
There's Rick, who i couldn't compliment without sounding like the glaring narcissist that i am, because he sorta writes just like me.
in other words, yes, I LOVE HIM.
and there's Jason, who has been known to throw some sexy ready our way, and on other days he's just plain pleasurable to read.
(as opposed to, uh...pleasurable, wink-wink)
and then there's darling Christine--she's a co-gemini and i just adore her. reading her is like chatting with a friend.
i could say nearly the same about Jen, but that would show my laziness at its height. hm. but i also feel like i'm chatting with a friend, reading her. and she's been known to throw a little dirty talk out there, too.
oh and Edge.
he loves Moab as much as I do (maybe more) and writes with candor and grace.

all, GREAT reads.
if i left you out, it wasn't because i don't love you.
it wasn't because i haven't read you.
it wasn't because it's been raining and cold for two days.
it was because i ran out of steam.
i'll get jiggy with it later, i swear.

and now, with that.
it's time for beddddy bye.
but this is my wednesday post, so deal with it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

i have time for a quickie--

even if that's all.
i have today to get every non-essential item in our house packed up.
so the hubby can get it all moved into a storage unit tonight.
tomorrow the work begins...
ripping up of kitchen and bathroom floors...
it's going to be a bit of a pain in my ass for a few days.
the sad/annoying/stupid part is that when we finish all the repairs,
i might actually like this place.
it still has a shitty floor plan.

so, this is why i'll be scarce from time to time.
maybe i'll just start posting at night?
who knows.
one thing i DO know, is that i love this blog as much as i love my kids (sometimes more...) so it's going nowhere.

i think i'm procrastinating...
i better go shower and get busy.
why do i have such a dirty mind???
i giggle like a frigging 13 year old when i write stuff like that--
"shower and get busy".
sadly, for all my big talk, i haven't enjoyed such a moment in a while.
maybe soon.
yes, it's sad when you can't even make sweet love to yourself.
i mean, shit!
it's one thing to long for someone far away or out of reach...
but to long for some quality alone time??
i think i may have taken "wanting what you can't have" to a whole new level of pathetic.

have a great BRALESS TUESDAY!!
that was close--
i almost forgot.
maybe i'll even have time for a quick picture...
but don't count on it.
...just know that there is only a light cotton shirt stretched over my rack-ola.
and it's chilly here today...
kisses to you all--
(on the backs of your hands...)

Monday, October 18, 2004

sometimes when i get home from the gym

i feel like posting
even though i should be cooking dinner.
but sometimes...
the adrenaline's pumping,
and my brain is actually functioning properly--
so i try to take the best advantage of that.
i'm probably jumping the gun there.
"functioning properly"??
i don't think that's even in my vocabulary anymore,
let alone something that's physiologically possible.
but it's fun being a crazy mixed up mess.
i like it, at least.
and i'm a good kind of mess, anyway.

so anyway.
while i was running, i was scanning the gym floor.
i felt like i was playing a grown-up's version of "duck, duck, goose"...
only in my version...
it was:
and it that point i tripped and fell off the treadmill.
just kidding.
i've never done that, but i'm always a little afraid i will.
i do, however, always slide off it when i'm done, as it's still moving, and hop to the ground...
for some reason that little move makes me feel like an 80's pop star--
in both good and bad ways.
i did, however, noticed myself lip syncing while i was doing my weights.
sometimes i get a little too into my tunes...
and i looked downright evil--
it was Anthrax, "Crush".
what can i say?
it's a great song.
and whenever godsmack's "Awake" starts, i am physically unable to NOT smack my hand against my thigh--
i just pray to the gods of cool (who, incidentally, do NOT favor me) that i'll never accidentally yell that last part out.
this little rant is forcing me to realize that when i wonder if guys are checking me out...
they're probably just wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
-does she have turrett's syndrome or something? she's all twitchy...
-she looks angry...
-i wonder if she's good in bed?
hey, they're GUYS.
(oh, and just for the record, yes, yes she is.)

and my kids are officially smarter than me.
Twin B: "mom? why are the mountains so big, so they hold up the sky?"
Moi: the mountains don't hold up the sky...
Twin B: "then how does it stay up there?"
holy shit, good question!!
they've got me thinkin'...
could the
okay, maybe not.

guess i'll go cook dinner.
save a horse--
ride a cowboy.

it's raining, it's pouring...

i was just having this dream
where i was reading a new blog
and i thought it was a girl, writing about her boyfriend.
there was a picture
and it was two (HOT) guys...
then, because i live in Harry Potter world (or because it was dream)
the picture started moving, and they were getting in the shower.
i learned something from this:
two hot guys is even better than one.
AND watching The Real World can be hazardous to your dream life.
also, reminded me to go check a certain blog.

we looked at a few houses last night.
we're MOVING.
not out of utah, sadly, but the next best thing--
to Salt Lake.
not a big move, but it'll be a little better as far as the whole mormon thing.
(i don't feel like getting into my issues with that right now, but maybe later.)
anyway, my husband was basically handed the winning lottery ticket of new jobs.
he wasn't even looking.
but they wanted him, and they offered him great things.
his new office is in downtown salt lake, so it's the perfect excuse to move that way.
all you're going to be hearing about over the next few weeks is:
* all the work it's taking to get our house ready to sell.
* all the great houses we're looking at
* how annoying it is to have people come see OUR house
* and how anxious i am for it all to be over
so you might wanna tune out.
oh, and one last thing--
i'm so proud of my husband.
we've both been so excited, i keep forgetting to tell him that.
so we've had a fun weekend.
we have a MILLION things to do, to get our house ready to sell.
fortunately we have a friend who's really great at home repair type of stuff and is out of work right now.
so we're just going to pay him to do it.
yeeeee haaaw!!
it's been a whirlwind.

enough of that, for now.
jeeez, if i don't watch out, i'm going to end up posting nudes just to make up for such boring posts!!!
i'm just so excited and preoccupied that it's all i can think of.
even during sex, i'll find myself wondering if that house with the hot tub is going to have ugly carpet and light fixtures, or if that one with the funky Frank Lloyd Wright style architecture is going to be retro inside, too...
sorry i took so long, honey, i couldn't stop thinking about houses...
we giggled about it.
we're like kids.
i said "enough".

the next thing in my scattered brain is probably even more boring.
i'm chaperoning a field trip for preschool today.
should be torturous fun.
we're supposed to go to the Pumpkin Patch so the kids can pick out their own pumpkins, and do a corn maze.
it really does sound fun, but--
it's pouring rain.
so i imagine it'll be cancelled, but i'm not sure.

sex, anyone??
debauchery of some variety is in order, at the very least!!
i need to go take my shower.
but maybe i'll make it an extra long one...
and maybe i'll take a toy.
and perhaps i'll think about someone...
as the water washes over me,
the suds rinsing away and swirling down the drain.
maybe i'll pretend you are there.
the water's so hot our skin turns red.
maybe i'll wish you were pressing me against the cool tile walls,
and maybe i'll let my mind believe that your hard chest is pressing into my soft one...
your hand in my wet, tanlged hair...
(my nipples are hard just from writing this)
i'll wish you were there.
i'll wish your lips would find mine, then lose them again--
as you travelled down my body, kissing and biting.
i'll wish that i could pull you into me--
i'll close my eyes and believe you're there.
i'll feel you, taste you, smell you...
i'll be glad the door is locked and the water's hot,
as i give myself an orgasm in your name...

so there.
happy monday.

oh, and there's a new series on buzznet.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

i woke this morning to a pink sky

it was incredible.
but, sadly, i was too hung over to trudge downstairs for the camera and a quick shot.
it was beautiful enough that i wanted to, though.

last night was a great night, with some good friends.
we saw a
sky captain and the world of tomorrow??
something like that.
it was cute.
then, dinner at a fantastic little Thai place.
and off to the bar.
great band, and a depressingly great atmosphere.
i was in the top 5% of youngest people there.
as in, most patrons were over 40.
WELL over 40...
so we got checked out a LOT.
i didn't even drink too much--
just enough, for once.
did a little dancing, played some extra-shitty pool, and made more trips to the bathroom than a pregnant chick.
or something.
and that bathroom SUCKED.
it was under construction--
out of 4 stalls, one had no door, but a working toilet
(never reached the point where i was drunk enough to use that one...)
and one had a door but was filled with construction equipment.
there were plenty of paper towels (which is sometimes an issue in public restrooms)
but NO soap.
we had a lovely time.

today we're going to take the kids bowling.
i better drink some coffe or snort some coke or something.
or just take a bunch of deep breaths.
they're my little sweeties, but sometimes when we attempt these little outings it takes a hell of a lot of patience and good cheer.
and today i'm a bit short on those.
maybe after the shower, it'll look better.
feel better.
smell better!

we carved pumpkins yesterday.
super fun.
jesus, i feel like shit.
have a happy sunday.
go to church, ya fuckin heathen.

oh, i took pictures before i went out last night...
i'll put some on buzznet.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Bits and pieces, odds and ends....

I am yours,
and you are mine.
until the end of time and light.


like a leaf blowing in the wind.
always out of reach,
i trip along
stretching, leaning--
Never alone, never quiet here
and when it arrives--finally--
the silence is distracting
full of the remainders of thoughts from the chaotic moments.

In Time
Not yet ready
For this to end

just some shit i scribbled during traffic school.
that last little pyramid one? i built it that way on purpose. 1-2-3-4
yes, this was a second run of traffic school...
goddamned lead foot lisa.

so now, here i sit on a friday night.
hubby's having a beer with a buddy.
i'm trying to unwind.
it was a busy, but exciting day.

so i'm sitting here, listening to some tunes.
some wonderful tunes.
and thinking some dreamy dreamland thoughts.
and then pooof--
there you were.
to know that i woke you...
with my wanting.
across the mountains, the plains, and the sea...
it still surprises me when such proof of our deep-running connection surfaces.
sleep well, sweet one--

weekends make me think--
i need to take some serious time out and just breathe.
breathing is harder than it sounds.
okay, not really, but that sounded cool.
not cool like Kerouac, or cool like Cobain, or cool like Kennedy.
cool like...
water running over dark smooth rocks...
moss covering the banks, sun sneaking through rustling leaves...
a carpet of wet leaves, pine needles, frost covered grass.
i wanna go home.
i have this strange feeling that i could be a better writer there.
stooooopid thought.
all i need is a laptop to be a writer.
there's something about living in a conformist's paradise that is rather hellish on one's creativity.
or maybe not.
maybe it's just what i need, to force me to be different.
yeah, that's more like it.
...over the rainbow, way up high...
(still have my tunes running...)
anyway, i should stop dwelling on it.
i should just be thankful my parents are in good enough health that i'm not needed.
but i did ask my mom if she wouldn't mind just breaking her ankle or something.
so i would be NEEDED, for god's sake.
she was willing, cutely enough.
or maybe i can just swing some sort of weekend trip.
like a normal person.
i think i have delusions of grandeur.
or maybe, once again, i just like the sound of that.
...but doesn't that prove it?
ah, nevermind.

sleight of hand and twist of fate...

sometimes i wonder.
actually, most of the time i'm not talking, i spend wondering...
wondering and wandering, in my head.
needing and wanting and wishing and dreaming.
appreciating what i have?
only if you remind me...
fucking brat.

you know...
sometimes i am confused.
sometimes i am apathetic.
sometimes i am inspired.
sometimes i am a little bit country...
and i'm ALWAYS a little bit rock n' roll.

over and out.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

can't think of anything clever to go here.

and that feels kinda funny.
okay, so maybe "clever" is stretching it a bit.
but whatever.
i don't need some fancy title just so i can fill this page with brain vomit.

i hate this time of year.
well, mostly i love this time of year...
but what i hate about it is that i like my house to be the perfect temperature ALL THE TIME.
i keep it 72 in here, summer and winter.
and right now, it's really cold when i get up, so i am tempted to turn on the furnace.
but then, it gets hot outside.
yes, i could put on a robe, or a sweatshirt or a frigging fur coat.
but that's a whole other set of neuroses, so let's not go there.
bottom line?
i'm fucking freezing right now.
(it's 67 degrees in here...)
odd that 5 degrees makes such a huge difference.
hey, awesome!!--i'm a crotchety old lady already!!
but i don't think i have room for another personality...
i already have a dirty old man and a teenage boy rattling around upstairs.
and, frankly, an old lady would kick both their asses and i really don't have the kinda drugs it would take to deal with that.

aw, speaking of sweet old ladies...
my grandmother's sister died this week.
i only met her once--
they were both over 90 at the time and neither of them could hear worth a shit.
it was really cute to watch them (try to) have a conversation.
my grandmother was one of my favorite people on the earth.
such a tough, no-nonsense lady.
and yet she had a great sense of humor--and one of the best Maine accents ever.
but i got her nose, and that's something we're going to have words over, in the after-life!!

so, the chill aside, today is a beautiful day.
it is a new day.
full of hope and expectations.
it is a clean slate, an empty canvas...
to fill with everything and anything i want.
i'll probably start by doing something stupid,
then fill the rest of the day by trying to fix it.'s that for optimism?
okay, fine, maybe i'll change the world today.
maybe i'll finally figure out how to travel thousands of miles in the blink of an eye.
you know, i actually almost achieved that the other day.
it was intense.
and no, no drugs were involved.
that's the beauty of being me...
i can be as crazy as an acid-tripping coke whore with just water and a good night's sleep.
and did i say "beauty"?
i think i meant something else.
but i can't think of what that would be.
i'm such a fucking gemini.
the happiest person i know, and the one with the deepest pinings, too.
i love that word.
but i do wish there was a less-wisconsin-state-mascot-filled way to say that...
i mean, what do we have?
yearn, pine, ache, hanker, desire, languish...
waaaay too romance-novel.
all i'm saying is: i'm content and restless at the same time.
how 'bout that?

so last night the husband and i were doing our thang.
my first orgasm of the night was followed by a murmur of,
"if i didn't love you...and you did that to me? i would say i loved you..."
I'm just full of classics.
nothing will ever compare to the "I love you"/"you're a faggot" exchange, but i'm sure i'll keep putting my foot in my mouth for years to come...
hey--a girl who can put her foot in her mouth, is actually quite a bonus.

so i think that's enough torture for today.
if you haven't had enough, let me know.
and i'll do an audio post of me singing all the theme songs to my kids' favorite shows.
(okay, not really. that would be enough to drive even the horniest prison inmate to never visit my site again.)
hey, are any of you prison inmates??
if so, i could really use a new penpal...

have a good day, and give a good day/head.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

there's no business like show business

...or so i hear.

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the ability to love anyone but myself.
and then I worry that this site just exacerbates that problem...
but then I get preoccupied by the word "exacerbate"
because it sounds so much like masturbate!!
i never claimed to be mature...

does anyone remember National Novel Writing Month?
it's coming right up--
November 1st is the starting point.
it is the single greatest activity for anyone who loves to write.
particularly my fellow procrastinators out there...
i completed the 50,000 words the first year i did it, but not last year.
i just couldn't get into it.
i'm going to try again this year, and you all should do the same!!

i don't have much to say today.
maybe it's cuz i'm dying to get into the shower.
no, not like that ya pervs.
...although, on second thought...

i've been asked to do a guest post, on one of my FAVORITE blogs...
and i'm really excited to do it.
i don't think i've ever done a guest post before...
but, along with the excitment comes nervousness.
it's totally different, to write on someone else's little space.
i don't give a flying fuck what i say.
it just rolls out and i leave it to rot in the sun.
but when someone else's reputation is at stake...
i'll probably do what any good writer would do--
and post boobie pics.
only, it's a guy's site.
and 99% of his readers are women.
i better stop thinking about it, and just do it.
i work much better without thinking.
does it show??

okay, since it seems that not enough people read my little story from Sunday...
i'm going to repost it.
i'm just excited that i wrote something non-pornographicalistic.
although, that reminds me: i do have a great fantasy in the works...

once upon a time,
there was a man.
he was so black on the inside that his pale skin looked gray.
most of the time, he was evil in small ways--
like not tipping a waitress, or sneezing into his hands before beginning a dental exam.
yes, he was a dentist.
this had been the first step toward the dark side.
he was a sweet kid, all through college.
but something twisted inside him when he got rejected from 72 different med schools in a year.
he began drinking, and he faked back pain so he could get some prescription pain pills.
while on these cloudy, wallowing "highs" (which would better be called "lows")
he would sketch out scenes of armageddon, with a black felt tipped pen.
he would chain smoke and jerk off--angrily, and while looking at increasingly disturbing images.
by the end of that dark period, he was cumming to video shot of war-time torture and massacres.
one day, during all of this self-loathing and self-abuse his mom called.
he didn't answer the phone--never did anymore.
but she left a message.
and her voice floated eerily through his drug-induced haze,
just like an angel, he would later think.
she mentioned dental school.
he was stubbing out a cigarette, on the inside of his wrist, when he heard those words.
it was like an electric shock.
he walked to the shower and got in.
and he stood there until the water was cold and he was sober.
he finished applying to the closest dental school that very same week,
and was top in his class every year.
he was still a little odd...
no one liked him much.
and this...
this contributed to the rotting away of his insides.
he opened a practice and did everything right--
he was an efficient, confident dentist.
he was polite and calm.
he never thought about those dark months he had spent in the small apartment suffocated by enough hate to fill a football stadium.
it was almost as if it had never happened...
but he was aware of it,
he just didn't judge himself for it--
he didn't think it was wrong, so he didn't worry about whether or not he might have a relapse.
he should have.
somehow he conducted a lovely courtship with one of the receptionists from the optometrist next door.
she loved him.
they got married.
she still said she loved him.
one day he walked in on her, taking on 3 guys at the same time--
one cock in each orafice.
he simply blinked, turned around, and walked out.
he called a moving company, and they removed her personal items.
he went to work the next day, without so much as a hair out of place.
he never spoke of her again.
he resumed smoking.
and his only ashtry was his body.
he had little black dots covering himself...
sometimes he would hold the lighter to his chest until the hair burned off.
sometimes he would take an exacto knife and write words in his thigh.
but the worst of it...
was when he would tell himself he deserved to get laid.
he would toss back a couple of pills, and call an escort service.
...soon he ran out of escort services he could call and had to cruise the part of town where women walked the street.
it wasn't the sex that frightened these women.
it was the "porn" he had playing...
it was the look in his eyes, the scars on his body.
...the way his hands shook when putting on the condom.
they didn't know he was poking small holes in them first.
they always left crying, often leaving behind a shoe in their haste.
and when they turned up pregnant, most of them had a gut feeling it was him--
and ran to the abortion clinic.
on other days he spread his evil in smaller ways.
but it became a constant--
in any situation, he made the worst choice.
he hurt people in small but deep ways--leavingn lasting marks.
he was like a cancer eating away the world around him.
one day, he saw a crying child on the far side of a busy street.
he was pressed forward, hoping to snatch the child before anyone else noticed.
in his haste...
he stepped in front of a bus.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

back in the saddle again

or at least, i'm back to myself.
no more fucking whining.
(for today at least)

but first, i wanted to offer my humble, and deep thanks to all of you who said such amazing things...
i swear to god, the devil, and everyone in between--that i wasn't looking for such incredible warmth...
but i'll know where to turn next time i'm having a bad day!!!
you guys ROCK MY WORLD--
inside out, upside down and backwards...
(especially backwards....ooooh, yeah!! who's your daddy?)
seriously--i now see why the whiners whine so much...
this could become addictive...
and i now know what kind of readers i have--
i have the kind of readers who can be bullied. :)
i'm just kidding.
you all deserve a handjob.
i bow to you, and your grace.

i am, however, on a fucking high today.
not from the crack i smoked--
nah, that just balances out the horse tranquilizers.
this is from running.
i had a delicious and nutritious workout.
and some GREAT new tunes.
well, old, actually.
but y'know.
and my husband ordered us iPods last night...
if anyone remembers my rant on why iPods are a waste and only suckers buy them, etc...?
disregard it.
i didn't know what i was talking about.
read: my husband hadn't offered to buy me one yet.
don't get me wrong, my little 96 MB mp3 player suits me fine.
even though i dropped it and the little door that slides over the battery doesn't fit right anymore.
and i can't arrange the songs in any order i choose.
okay, i fucking hate the thing.
but it's been good to me...

do you know what song i would have playing on here, every day, if i didn't hate visiting blogs with songs playing??
AC/DC--she shook me
because i would knock you out with my american thighs.
i may have mentioned this before, but i have slim, strong thighs.
oh, i have a fat little belly, never fear.
but i can press inward with about 120 pounds of pressure.
and i think that's hot.
also, Elvis.
i've never been an Elvis fan.
but i might be in love.
yeah, i know he's dead.
but i bet Lisa'd do me.
and she looks enough like him, that i'd be okay.
she even curls her lip like him when she sings...

jesus H, i'm weird today.
i never promised you a rose garden.
but i will go take a picture of my cleavage.
just a little token of my appreciation...
and this is going to seem totally out of place, because i'm going to post the picture up above.
but oh well.

Monday, October 11, 2004

i hate it when i don't get comments.

i hate it when i care.

but, seriously...
people who say they ONLY write a blog "for myself"
are full of shit.
if it was just for you, you wouldn't POST IT TO THE FRICKIN INTERNET.
or at the VERY least, you wouldn't have a comments thinger.
people who say that are lying to themselves and lying to us.
so yeah, i do this because i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE writing.
but i do it in this particular manner because i have a soul consuming, knee-shaking, heart-stopping, ORGASMIC love of human interaction.
it's an addiction, actually.
i've mentioned it before.
leave some god damn mother fucking comments before i cry.

have i told you lately that i loathe you?
oops, typo.
i meant "love" instead of "loathe" and "J. Crew" instead of "you"...
so, the answer to that is, "no, no i haven't."
because i don't.

i am considering a radical new diet idea.
it consists of eating celery while standing on one foot.
reports claim that i'll lose up to 20 pounds the first day.
should be interesting.
okay, so maybe that's not it.
but i'm getting lardish and it's starting to affect my sex life.
don't laugh!!
it's not that i'm so fat he can't find the wet spot--ha bloody ha.
it's that i don't feel sexy.
i just realized TWO things:
one, that sounds suspiciously like whining.
and two, it sounds like i'm asking for compliments.
since this is still MY fucking journal, and i still get to say whatever the FUCK i want--
here's how we're going to handle it:
you don't say JACK SHIT about that.
just think skinny thoughts, or burn a skinny candle for me or something equally ineffective.
and we'll all pretend it never happened.
i just needed to vent.
that's all.

maybe we could talk about something else...
goddammit, now i feel all awkward.
like the time i walked in on my brother peeing.
i was 14 or so, and he would have been...
27 or 28, i think.
that may have even been the last time i saw him.
i wish i could remember.
and i wish i would have known he would be gone so soon,
so i could know more about him.
all i know is that he was funny.
and that he drove a silver corvette, had a doberman pincer, did lots of coke.
maybe i would have asked him why he didn't marry maria.
their wedding invitations were so pretty...
i wish we had had a video camera (or whatever there was in 1982) so i could better remember that night when he tried on the survival suit...
an enormous contraption for his scallop boat--in case of a hurricane, or something.
if anyone's eyes have ever sparkled, it was him.

jesus christ.
if that wasn't depressing, i don't know what is.

tell me to go cook dinner.
tell me to relax.
tell me to spend some time doing something productive tonight.
tell me to get a fucking life.
tell me to take a leap.
tell me you love me.

p.s. did you love that tantrum?
i did.
it made me feel so young...
someone slap me.

another wood-less monday morning

(well, not at MY house...)

had a dream last night that i was getting dressed for the Homecoming dance at BYU.
it was really fucking strange.
i had to remove all these damned safety pins from the dresses i was trying on--
UGLY god damned dresses, too.
and then a girl from high school was making out with this guy i was checking out.
damn her!
so i grumbled to myself, "i thought she was married..."
yes, last i checked--SO AM I.
i love dreams.
i'm so self-righteous and bitchy in my dreams.

not only did i have the WORST chinese take out of my LIFE on saturday...
but i got the all time LAMEST fortune.
"Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today."

nice advertising, jackholes.
to be fair, the other one said something lovely, like, "your soul is full of love".
but i was too annoyed at the first one to take it seriously, so i chucked it.

but at least i watched a ton of great movies over the weekend.
and golfed.
and played raquetball.
and had the worst pizza on the planet--
as well as that infernal chinese...
i'm pretty sure the "beef" and brocooli and moo goo gai pan were not made from beef or chicken, respectively.
i'm guessing deer and rabbit.
so disgusting.
and of course, we had taken it out, and were too lazy to go back and complain.
we just won't be bothering them again.
so it was an odd weekend...
lots of good, and some bad.
--even some downright EVIL.
go read yesterday's post for a little story.
so the movies.
we saw The Forgotten, with Julianne Moore and that dude from ER (which is a show that annoys the shit out of me, by the way. only because it has fanatic viewers. and i'm not fanatic about ANY show. it's a show, for god's sake. end of rant.)
it was a great movie--i really liked it.
i have no idea what kind of reviews it's getting, but i liked it a lot.
we rented a few, too.
we don't usually watch 4 movies in one weekend, but it was fun.

since i want you to read yesterday's story, i'm going to stop here.
i would also like you to practice your procreation skills to the point of perfection.
never know when you're going to need that shit.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

today should be declared "EVIL DAY", not because it's Sunday in Utah--although that is a fabulous reason...
but because my counter shows this is my 666th post.
and i watched a stephen king movie last night.
AND boz watched a movie about murder in Park City last night--
i don't think i need much more proof than THAT.
it's an evil day.

so in honor of this great event...

once upon a time,
there was a man.
he was so black on the inside that his pale skin looked gray.
most of the time, he was evil in small ways--
like not tipping a waitress, or sneezing into his hands before beginning a dental exam.
yes, he was a dentist.
this had been the first step toward the dark side.
he was a sweet kid, all through college.
but something twisted inside him when he got rejected from 72 different med schools in a year.
he began drinking, and he faked back pain so he could get some prescription pain pills.
while on these cloudy, wallowing "highs" (which would better be called "lows")
he would sketch out scenes of armageddon, with a black felt tipped pen.
he would chain smoke and jerk off--angrily, and while looking at increasingly disturbing images.
by the end of that dark period, he was cumming to video shot of war-time torture and massacres.
one day, during all of this self-loathing and self-abuse his mom called.
he didn't answer the phone--never did anymore.
but she left a message.
and her voice floated eerily through his drug-induced haze,
just like an angel, he would later think.
she mentioned dental school.
he was stubbing out a cigarette, on the inside of his wrist, when he heard those words.
it was like an electric shock.
he walked to the shower and got in.
and he stood there until the water was cold and he was sober.
he finished applying to the closest dental school that very same week,
and was top in his class every year.
he was still a little odd...
no one liked him much.
and this...
this contributed to the rotting away of his insides.
he opened a practice and did everything right--
he was an efficient, confident dentist.
he was polite and calm.
he never thought about those dark months he had spent in the small apartment suffocated by enough hate to fill a football stadium.
it was almost as if it had never happened...
but he was aware of it,
he just didn't judge himself for it--
he didn't think it was wrong, so he didn't worry about whether or not he might have a relapse.
he should have.
somehow he conducted a lovely courtship with one of the receptionists from the optometrist next door.
she loved him.
they got married.
she still said she loved him.
one day he walked in on her, taking on 3 guys at the same time--
one cock in each orafice.
he simply blinked, turned around, and walked out.
he called a moving company, and they removed her personal items.
he went to work the next day, without so much as a hair out of place.
he never spoke of her again.
he resumed smoking.
and his only ashtry was his body.
he had little black dots covering himself...
sometimes he would hold the lighter to his chest until the hair burned off.
sometimes he would take an exacto knife and write words in his thigh.
but the worst of it...
was when he would tell himself he deserved to get laid.
he would toss back a couple of pills, and call an escort service.
...soon he ran out of escort services he could call and had to cruise the part of town where women walked the street.
it wasn't the sex that frightened these women.
it was the "porn" he had playing...
it was the look in his eyes, the scars on his body.
...the way his hands shook when putting on the condom.
they didn't know he was poking small holes in them first.
they always left crying, often leaving behind a shoe in their haste.
and when they turned up pregnant, most of them had a gut feeling it was him--
and ran to the abortion clinic.
on other days he spread his evil in smaller ways.
but it became a constant--
in any situation, he made the worst choice.
he hurt people in small but deep ways--leavingn lasting marks.
he was like a cancer eating away the world around him.
one day, he saw a crying child on the far side of a busy street.
he was pressed forward, hoping to snatch the child before anyone else noticed.
in his haste...
he stepped in front of a bus.

happy EVIL DAY to you.
yes, i'll stick to porn from now on.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

such the party girl...

i'm off again.
tonight, park city.
and i sigh with relief at that...
park city is more like home.
and it's a beautiful drive.

but it's time to go.
so this is the world's shortest post.
...for me.


i celebrate my love for...
i dont' know what.
not THAT song, that's for damn sure.
but there was karaoke.
and corona.

we rocked the house.
and one of the members of our party (to be left nameless)
forgot his I.D.
he used Jail release papers to confirm his identity.
not only that, but he was the ex-husband of the chick he was there with.
so it was coooooooool.
(and i'm still not mentioning any names...)
but she made me grind with her.
it's fun to torture men like that, sometimes.
but it's not really "me".
and there was a guy who looked really familiar, so we asked him if we knew him.
he said to me, "you're the mother of my child."
i heaved out a laugh, and said, "well, not yet."
it cracked me up.
...of course, i was 3 coronas short of a six pack at that point.
3 beers is a lot for me.
besides, i can't refuse a good flirt.
the annoying part is: that didn't answer my question.
i used to have an amazing memory.
i know, i whine about that a LOT.
but it's true.
so fuck you.
and now it's just good enough that i recognize people but have NO BLOODY IDEA why.
oh well.
maybe he was telling the truth.
shit, that'd be embarassing.

i suppose it's time to go to bed.
but i like this buzz.
i want to ride it out...
we sang tom petty and pearl jam and candlebox and the eagles.
that's a lot...
and my husband sang guns n roses, godsmack, grateful dead
(holy shit he did all g's!)
and there was much grinding by the two hottest chicks there.
yes, that would be us.
sad, but true.

and before all that craziness--
hubby and I played racketball.
i have never played before.
it was a fantastic workout--
and so much fucking fun.
i loved it.
getting used to the way it's played was a little strange, though.
not like tennis AT ALL.
very fun.
now i want to try squash.
but i don't think my blood is blue enough.
or whatever.
i'm not drunk, by the way.
well, sorta.
wherever you are out there in this incredible, spinning blue world....
i hope you're comfortable and (it's 12:34 right now! my second favorite time of the day...yes, 11:11...i never said i'm not a dork)
i hope you're happy and sure and loved.
i hope you're empty of regrets and full of hope.
i wish i was there...
i wish you were here.
i wish there were no boundaries and no tomorrows.
i am sick of wanting.
i'd rather just be.
but that'll never happen.
so i guess i should stop wanting to not want........
and just embrace it.
oh yeah...i already have embraced it.

i guess i'm just rambling now.
but isn't that what drunks are supposed to do?
tell everyone "i love you"--even strangers, nay, especially strangers?
and it's true...
i love people.
especially if they're dipped in chocolate.
sleep well, sweet strangers.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

i was going to post

but then i stumbled across something that made me change my mind--
change my mood...
so i'll just go to bed.
and dream dreams of an alternate universe.
where i can fly and i can breathe underwater, and sing like whitney--
and where i don't make selfish choices, ever.
where i don't hurt anyone.
where i only cry tears of joy.
i'm pretty sure this is a place where cookies are considered imperative to good health.
and there are beer faucets on every sink.
and being on time is considered rude.

i want to walk down the middle of the road--
right now.
in my pj's.
and i want to keep walking until i intercept the crushed spirit whose injuries match my own.
and i want to cradle this being and heal us both with the silken words i would whisper.
but they are secret words and i don't know them.

i want to be more than simply human.
i want to engulf the earth with my warmth and laugh at how much like a cardboard globe it looks from so far above.
i want to scoop up arm fulls of clouds...
i want to hold the stars in my hands, like glitter.

i want to fix it all.
let me mend what's broken.
let me kiss away the tears.
let me in....

goodnight, sweet ones.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

what the fuck day is it?

that's just not something i should be expected to know.
i mean, really.

i'm not entirely awake yet, so this should be good.
i did have a bunch of wacked-out dreams last night, though.
including a topless J., health food shopping with A., and my mom making me get re-baptized as a mormon. really went downhill fast, didn't it???
still trying to shake the cobwebs of all that.

i made the best cookies last night...
and played with photoshop--holy shit, that was fun.
and i only scratched the surface.
and now i want cookies for breakfast.
here's how we rationalize that one (for anyone keep score at home):
people have donuts for breakfast, or danishes
--and those are no more nutritional then a cookie.
--even pancakes, waffles and french toast are bad if drenched in syrup or chocolate chips...
this same pathetic excuse also works for having pie for breakfast--
and if it's fruit pie, i almost fall for it.
i mean, that's health food, right there!

mmm....the breakfast of champions...

I'm feeling rather normal today...
see, I’ve been ass raped by the pms fairy this time
(which isn't as fun as it sounds).
I don’t usually tend to be a moody type, but sometimes that bitch straps on a 12 incher and really gives it to me.
so to anyone who tripped over some of the debris--
i apologize.

do any of you listen to NPR?
well, i don't.
but the other day i was waiting in the car while my husband ran into fed ex...
and he needn't have bothered with all the hurrying--
he was in there for just over 20 minutes.
there was only one person ahead of him in line, but the new guy decided to walk to Canada to hand deliver her packages, apparently.
so anyway.
i got bored and turned on the radio.
he had it on npr, and i instinctively reached for the dial--
(wouldn't want to accidentally absorb a little culture or useful information, ya know)
but the story caught my attention.
the narrator was reading a story about superman--
from the point of view of a guy who dated Lois Lane one summer.
it was SO fantastic.
so now i'm trying to find the story and listen to all of it, or better yet, read it.
for me, "trying" consists of a lightbulb with bad wiring in my head and a whisper of, "...find that story..."
so i'll probably never find it.
actually, i went to the website i jotted down from after they finished the story.
and i did a google search for the author.
the problem was, i missed the title of the story.
so i've reached a small dead end and will probably forget about it.
but it was great.
so if i ever find it, i'll link it.

oh shit. when's my hair appointment?
it's probably today.
i better call.

and as an editor's note:
my complaint yesterday, about the kids saying "mom" too many times and ignoring my responses...
i was telling my husband about that, and expressing my annoyance.
"i mean, do they NOT know what "what?" means??"
"well..." he said, "maybe they think you can't hear them..."
i didn't even think of it that way...
there's that crazy/stupid thing again.
i want my body AND my mind to be like they were when i was 18.
well, except for the maturity stuff.
that's no trade off...
i'll keep my wisdom if that's what i've traded my memory for.
and goddammmmit, i'll keep my stretch marks if that's what i've traded my insecurity for.
life sucks.
(yes, i said that with a smile. and not because i thought about life being a big mouth giving head...)

have a good day.
as for me, i'm getting some new make up today.
a GREAT new read, by the way.
and yes, she's my Mary Kay lady.
and yes, she's one of the coolest people i've ever met.
so go read her shit.
cuz it's good.
oh, and remind me to tell her my funny embarassing incredibly stupid story when she's here today...

oh, and if you haven't checked out The Middle Finger Blog, yet--do it!
it's fun.
and i'm on there.
me and my birdy.

make it a hump day to remember, kiddos!
(and yes, that really just means--lay off the drugs and binge drinking so you'll remember what you did for once)

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

don't even bother getting out of your pj's cuz it's--


you's starting to lose some of its flavor.
i'm going to have to start going topless or something.

i think i'll talk about limits today.
not speed limits.
not credit limits.
just limits...
i tend to push limits in all areas of life.
and i'm not sure why--or whether it's good or bad.
i am driven by an intense curiosity--
a need to see what's around every single bend, behind every tree.
and i seem to be unable to be the one who says no or let's go home.
my curiosity has brought some amazing opportunities into my life.
but sometimes i wonder if i cause myself unnecessary hassles.
i dunno.

well, that's my therapy for the month.
tune in next time for where my boy craziness came from. (it's an interesting theory, actually)

there has to be something better to talk about.
the fact that my best friend moved back to utah at the start of the school year.
and i've only seen her ONCE.
and she had knee surgery.
i'm a horrible friend.
and why?
probably because i spend too much time sitting at this stupid machine.
sometimes i'm tempted to unplug it.
oh, i would still post--i would just have to write it offline and let my husband post it.

oh, i know what else--
i hate drama queens.
i hate whiners.
i hate "victims"***
and i hate people who use any of the above to aid in their personal quests to be Miss Attention Whore of the Year.
(that's MY title, bitches. back off!)

just a little rant.

i had a strange moment at the gym yesterday.
(and no, it had nothing to do with me and two swim suit models washing each other's hair in the steam-filled group shower section.
no. (picture me vigorously shaking me head to clear it)
i was doing my cardio and listening to some great music, as usual.
and i just sort of felt peaceful...
and my mind felt energized.
it was almost like i was conciously aware of the pivotal moment when my PMS fairy headed for the hills
(probably to give my muse hickies and a questionable rash...)
it literally felt like the sun coming out--inside my head.
it was downright silly.

oh and here's my favorite kid gripe of the week.

and i make it through every day--completely drug free.
i know it's hard to believe.
of course, after watching a few minutes of oprah yesterday during cardio--
(oh shit. could that be why i had a moment of peace? i'll have to write her and tell her it was. maybe i can still get on for the Christmas giveaway show...)
nah, my point was really just that i don't watch tv during the day.
i enjoy Oprah, but i don't ever turn it on.
i got my time-waster of choice RIGHT HERE.
i'm sooooo above television.
the part i saw was about a 39-year old woman who got a sperm donor cuz she was single and wanted a baby.
she had FOUR.
a single mother with quads.
fuck that, man.
i mean, good for her and stuff, but jesus.
that's the fast track to crazy right there.
so i'm lucky to have only had two at once.
and they are the coolest frigging kids on the planet.
but i'd still sell them to some gypsies if there were ever any around.
but noooo....they scuttle through town in the dark of night,
stealing and plundering (or is that pirates??)
and never once stop to ask if anyone has kids for sale.
and let me tell ya--
i'm not alone.
everyone i know has at least one kid they'd sell.
my mom, in fact.
she'd probably still be willing to sell me to some gypsies
(or a sex slave trader, should i be so lucky)
even though i haven't lived with her in 11 years.
no, that's not true.
my mom is the opposite of me--she's always been the perfect mother.
i'm a bit of a black sheep, i suppose.
but at least i'm not catholic, like my sister.
she can be as perfect as she wants (and she is) but she's still going to hell, in my mother's eyes.
at least i live in utah--that earns me some points, in my mom's eyes.
and besides, the way i see it, is if you live in hell while you're alive, it takes a few years off your sentence once you die.
so i don't mind utah so much anymore.

okay, i'm spiralling into crazy town again.
so i guess i'll go make breakfast.
have a great day--
and don't forget to take your bra off, girls!!

***(no, i don't mean real victims of real crimes, just people who allow themselves to be taken advantage of--and then complain about it.)

Sunday, October 03, 2004

examples # 432 and 433 that i am losing my mind...

at the wedding last night.
i said to my friend, "Oh, my kids called you this morning, i hope it didn't wake you."
She glanced at her cell phone, "I didn't see a call from you..."
"No," I said, "Your home phone."
She looked at me--
that look you give your mom's crazy neighbor before calling her son to come get her off the roof of your truck at 3 in the morning...
"I don't live there anymore..."
She sold the god damn house last week.
Someone inhabiting my body helped her pack.
god DAMN it.

shortly therafter...
i was talking to another friend
(ooh, and more on her in a minute--and it doesn't make me crazy it makes me psychic...eek. nevermind.)
and she said, "I wonder what happened to G."
I looked at her rather blankly, so she continued.
"I thought she was coming, but she's not here yet. Do you know where G. is?"
"Oh, I don't think I know her..."
(this was a wedding where i knew almost everyone on the bride's side, and this friend is the bride's sister in law...but these are my husband's friends from high school and their wives, so there are still people i don't know because they've wandered away from this core group...)
"G.??? G. and G.???" (the second "G." being her husband...)
a thousand points of FUCKING light illuminate above my soggy little head.
"OH!! G.!!!"

jesus christ.

someone help me...
before it's too late...
you don't want me wandering the neighborhood in my pajamas.
oh wait.
i already do that.

but serioiusly...
I've known the girl for as long as i've known the one i was talking to.
and it's not an entirely common name, either.
what the hell's the matter with me??

okay, so back to the thing that does not prove me to be 2 steps away from a mental hospital--
the one girl has 3 little boys, and is pregnant.
i saw her on tuesday and told her that she would have twins because she knows me.
because it has happened 3 times...
people i knew or saw when they were first pregnant ended up with twins.
so i thought i was being silly.
it was a twins curse...
cuz the next day poor girl goes in for an ultra sound.
i'm so excited!
she's less so.