Wednesday, June 30, 2004

i love driving to work

mostly because it's the only time i'm ALONE in my car.
which means i don't have to listen to disney songs.
and i can listen to said non-disney songs LOUDLY.
so there was a song on, which i think was marilyn manson.
but something about it reminded me of prince (a la purple rain).
this combination was enough to give me vertigo, but in a good way...
the song was happy and angry, all swirled up in a full sound.

guess what tastes really great together?
mint frosted brownies & ice cream.
amazingly enough.
in fact, i think i'll start eating that for every meal.
or at least for breakfast every day.

so, yeah, i'm at work.
i had sort of forgotten about this place...
i have a bad memory, as you may have heard.
oh well.
it feels pretty good to be here.

i was having the deepest conversation wtih myself in the car on the way here...
composing a little monoluge to share with y'all, actually.
but of course, due to aforementioned poor memory skills...
it was something about...feeling very scattered and wishing i knew where the hell i should be.
but i think it was just my hunger talking.
that damn hunger of mine....
it sort of fucks with my life if i don't watch out.

and i must have been pretty damned grouchy this morning, because the kids were actually excited to see the babysitter, and let me go without throwing their usual fit.
yee haw.
of course, they do love her, and they haven't seen her in about a week.
but still.

i hope that you all have a humpier hump day than i'm currently having.
and try that mint brownies and beer combo.
you'll thank me.

au revoir mes cheries--

good? morning

sure, sure.
the weather is beautiful.
i got plenty of sleep.
and had a nice screaming match with my husband as he left for work.
over my inability to remember stuff.
i hate it when we fight--doesn't happen very often.
but right now i'm still a bit boiling.
and what i need to do is go take a shower and head out of here--
to work or to the gym, can't decide which.
but i don't WANT to.
i think i'll sit here and stew for a while.

and now i have nothing to say.
i think i'll go away.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

do not adjust your monitor

it's true.
i'm writing a SECOND post for the day.
if you're as thrilled about this as I am--seek help.
you are clearly addicted to something sinister and mind-altering.
--or at the very least, addicted to the blog world.
and who isn't??
it's so much like television, as an escape from reality.
and yet--
more real, more interactive, and more intellectually stimulating than the boob tube.
well, not if you're reading a blog like THIS, but there are better ones out there.
sometimes i catch myself feeling rather uppity about the fact that i don't watch much television...
usually i end up choking on something, as i remember which screen i AM glued to on a daily basis.
oh well...
at least i'm using my mind.
(and occassionally the body of a willing "pool boy".)
(wink wink.)
i love parantheses.
i use them far too little.

do you know what bugs the SHIT out of me?
the signs in supermarkets...
the ones that say, "10 items or less"
guess why?
some of you know...
when modifying a specific quantity, the proper word is "fewer".
* there are fewer morons in my house than yours.
* there is less rain in utah than maine.

so there.
a half-assed grammar lesson.
i'm sure i don't have it exactly right, but i do grasp the usage, which is all that matters.
my kids are going to sound incredibly pretentious...
but they're big--and there are two of them--so i doubt they'll get picked on.
it'll be like, "may i kick your ass? you have fewer iq points than I."

oh lordy.
i better change the subject before i start annoying myself...

made it to the fucking gym today.
first time since thursday.
god damn out of town guests.
(love ya ma!)
felt goooooooooood.
always does.
that's no newsflash.

AND i kissed and made up with a friend today.
minus the kissing.
although, that's something we haven't fully discussed which ought to be cleared up.
i never fight with friends...
i generally hate confrontation of any kind.
but something weird sort of got tweaked in our rhythm...
a bunch of stuff, actually.
but we're good.
for now.
jesus--i'll probably end up pissed off again in anotherh 5 minutes.

and now it's time to cook dinner.

if you were all here right now, we could have cold beer and delicious food.
but since you're not, i'll just go ahead and take care of that myself.

have i told you lately that---

i love you?
or is it Rod Stewart that i love?
nope, must have been you.

as much as i hate waking up early, it's always kind of fun and exciting when i do it.
so here i am...
6 a.m.
and i am thrilled to have some quiet time to catch up on this blog world of mine.
i haven't been keeping up with my favorite blogs at all lately.
and that makes me feel sad, and restless and unfulfilled and hungover and hungry and in need of a good stretch.

have i ever mentioned that my brain doesn't function properly when i get up in the early morning?
it's true.
i often mumble, or grunt.
so i'm not sure why i thought it would be wise to try to write something at this hour.
...which i refer to as "the butt-crack of dawn".
and not so much in a "a girl named Dawn wearing super-low-rise jeans" manner either.
i'm talking "way too fucking early to be anywhere but my giant bed on my high thread-count sheets".

but at least i'm using my husband's computer instead of my lap top.
(which, as you may recall, was falling apart like a leper in an earthquake. and incidentally, i tried that out on my mom and she didn't laugh at all. maybe i'm just a sicko. uh. maybe???)
where the hell was I?
oh yeah.
the computer.
my computer actually had a full body transplant, so it's doing much better now, and that's a relief.
i love having my own machine.
it has all MY junk on it.
...although i probably ought to consider doing backups occassionallly.
anyway, using this computer is fun--yet hazardous.
the 21 inch monitor is niiiice.
but the spontaneous re-boots are not.
the much faster processor is nice.
but not having all my files is not.
(and by "files", yes i mean nude pictures of myself to browse whenever i'm bored.)
(see, when your husband is a computer guy you end up with strange computer problems--just like mechanics always driving weird cars.)

my bed is so close right now, that i can hear it...
whispering to me--sweet promises of sleep.
i should probably crawl into it and drink of the sweet cup of solitude and sleep.
...and NO that is not code for anything.
bunch of frigging perverts.

and now that i have acknowledged the possibility of sleep, my body is fighting me.
so, perhaps i'll have to go.
...slide between those smooth sheets and burrow in for a bit more slumber before the kidlets awake.

Monday, June 28, 2004

the quickest post in the west

or something.
i am off to do family things today, but i wrote yesterday if you're interested.
and i'll be back in the saddle again tomorrow.

but just cuz i loves ya so...

and today, while running along on the treadmill, i had this little dream float through my head:

i kneel on your chair.
my fingers slide under your shirt and pull it over your head before my lips touch yours.
i slide a finger under your waistband and begin to reach down...
but your kisses are so strong that i forget how to remove pants.
before i can remember, you are out of your chair, out of your pants--laying me on the floor.
i'm out of breath, my hair a tumbled mess, my knees falling open.
you take one foot, and kiss my ankle--sending a shiver through me.
slowly, you kiss all the way up the inside of my leg,
each kiss causing me to squirm a little more as you near your goal...
you pause there, to look at me with a sadistic half-grin before diving in.
i know you're there, but i almost don't know that I am.
my groans reach your ears, if not mine.
you push me to the edge and keep me there for so long i think i might stop breathing.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Or maybe "Sunday, insanely-hungover Sunday" would be a better title.
just doesn't have the same ring, though--y'know?
We went to this killer party last night, at this sprawling mansion.
it was wild and wonderful.
but i am too damn old to get home at 4:30 in the morning and get up at 7 with the kids.
or at least i drank too much for that little sleep.
...and at least i looked, in the words of the husband, "smokin' hot".
personally i think he needs glasses and possibly a healthy dose of anti-b.s. serum, but hey.
I'm not complaining.
(haha--he just walked by and read that. he laughed, then said, "well maybe you just need anti-hotness serum." which i followed with, "honey, i already overdosed on that.")

well, any of you who have family from far away who visit you on occassion can relate....
i have two more days of suffocation before i am free to lounge about in my underwear and NOT TALK TO ANYONE all fucking day long.....
that'll be so great.
i may even have to celebrate by taking pictures of said lounging.
like i'd show YOU.
besides, trust me when i tell you there's not that much to see.

i did not sleep well, either.
i tossed and turned, dreaming of the party we had attended, and worrying about something that is out of my hands.
i hate worrying.
it's pointless and wastes energy--
and sleep.
so, yeah.
did i mention i feel like the ass of a dog?
did i mention that asses of dogs are highly smelly and unattractive???
i am not.
but i still feel like one.

I love tennis.
go hot australian guy. wooo!
oooh, or maybe Roddick....
well, in my world they're playing, nude, against each other and i'm not only the trophy girl, but--
you guessed it.
i'm the trophy.
yes, i have a one track mind.
why do you ask?

i wish i had something mind-blowing to say.
or something less boring than reading a user's manual for a blender.
i used to...
once upon a time.
but it seems like i've been too scattered lately, pouring myself into the wrong projects.
or no projects?
i thought i had lost my focus, but realized that i had only gained an intense focus on something non-productive.
and that's okay.
my focus is about to be shifted, people!!
that's right.
if i have any readers left...
they better buckle up and hold on because i'm about to start rocking their worlds.
or at least writing with my head on the page.
ouch--not literally, of course...
and hey, maybe i'll trip over a pile of motivation and creativity which were raked up, in the backyard like autumn leaves...
cuz i have this really great idea for a book.
but i'm sure i'll be so lazy that someone else will do it first.

have a happy "last sunday in june--and oh my GOD where did june go???"
and if you run into my dealer--tell him to cut me off, as i clearly do not need any more drugs.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Fantasy Friday

Not quite Bobby McGee...

the sun is hot on my neck, and bright in my eyes.
the dust from the road has turned my sandals pale and my feet dark.
i had some sunglasses once...
back around witchita, i suppose.
my back pack is heavy, but my heart is light.
this is MY adventure.
MY life.
i knew i would feel free on this journey, and i have.
every moment of it is mine, and mine alone.
every choice i make is for me.
i am smug.
gloriously content.
insatiably roving...
for the first time today, there is a truck in the distance.
going east, just as i am.
i stick out my thumb, not giggling like i did the first week or so of this.
the truck begins to slow, and for one second i have a doubt.
one spark of wonder if this one will be the wrong choice.
i picture a fat, bearded man with no teeth.
as i step up and peer in the open window, my heart skips not one beat, but two.
i blink.
he smiles...
you need a ride?
i smile back and affirm.
he nods, and off we go.
the low rumble of the biggest diesel engines on the highway.
rough and reassuring.
i settle my pack under my feet and stretch, yawning.
mostly a ruse--to steal another look at him.
were my eyes playing tricks on me?, they weren't.
he was young and sexy.
an anomaly, or a mirage--either way, just for me.
he was headed to a town not far from my destination,
and we had more than a day's worth of miles to cover.
somewhere, deep in that first night, we stopped to rest.
as i headed back to the truck from a bathroom/food run, i looked for him...
hoping he hadn't already settled into the sleeper compartment.
he was leaning against the fender, smoking.
i said his name, and he dropped the half-smoked cigarette, stepping toward me--
and i was against the wheel,
his hands on either side of my head,
his lips hovering over mine,
my breathing pattern so disrupted i couldn't tell you if it stopped or sped up.
his green eyes were cold, but there was a sparkle in them...
he cocked his head, parted his lips--
and pulled away from me just a little as i leaned toward him,
then kissed me so hard, so fast that i had to grab the wheel well to keep from falling.
just as i was sinking into it, he pulled away and i felt the world come back into focus.
he opened the door to the cab and nodded me in that direction.
i climbed in.
we knelt on the seat, facing each other and he reached for me.
i gave him back his half-smile and held my ground--slowly unbuttoning my shirt while forcing him to maintain eye contact.
it was his turn to squirm.
as i reached the bottom button, he lunged at me, ripping the shirt off and pulling me to him.
we were tangled together with nothing but our breathing as the soundtrack.
our hands running over each other's skin with an urgency, a desperation to learn every inch.
his kisses were hot and hard as i fumbled with his belt--
attacking his jeans like the enemy.
he smiled, then leaned down to kiss my belly button, his fingers only a soft touch on my hips.
i shivered at this change of pace, raggedly drawing a deep breath.
he slowly slid the black lace down...down...
and resumed his soft kisses just above the inside of my knee, moving north.
the enormous windows of the rig were soon fogged over and all that could be seen were my feet braced against one...
we were as unaware of the outside world as we were of the past, the future--
anything but the cab of this truck.


happy friday.
have a great weekend, kiddos!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

50's romance

just a little tale i wove, in search of a fantasy last week...

a radio crackles in the distance.
the heat in the air is so thick and full it feels like walking through molasses.
a fan whirs with a rhythmic click giving away an imperfection on one of its blades.
it gently disturbs the air around it--enough to lift a single sheet of paper, maybe.
as i scrub the counter top, i push some loose hairpins back into place with a sigh.
the bell on the door tinkles, and my reaction is delayed--the room is filled with molasses.
before i have looked all the way up, i begin to say, "we're closed."
but the words don't finish forming, and simply fall off my tongue somewhere in the middle.
you look as weary of this day as I feel--yet your shoulders are straight and your smile quick.
you apologize for not noticing the sign and politely request a glass of lemonade.
i return your smile and assure you it's no problem.
for a face like that, i would turn on all the ovens in this place.
you swallow the contents of the tall glass in one swift movement and let out a thirst-quenched sigh.
you look nervous for just a moment then clear your throat and ask if i have yet been asked to the prom.
i blush, then shake my head.
"do you mean next year's prom?"
it is july.
you smile broadly and nod.
i laugh out loud and you slowly sip on the new glass of lemonade i have poured.
i am fanning myself with a menu as we talk about the weather, the war, the germans.
you turn up the radio and offer me your hand.
we start out with a box step, as you exaggerate the moves to insinuate an ignorance on your part.
i can't stop smiling, and you soon forget your game and are guiding me around the tables and chairs with grace.
our cheeks are flushed, our eyes sparkling as we slide into a booth at this deserted diner.
your hand finds mine.


yes, yes.
there could be more.
if you're new here, the story is this:
i don't edit or plan--i just sit down and stuff comes out.
i don't force it, it evolves.
this one didn't go in the direction of a sexual encounter--those two??
not until marriage, poor bastards.
they're too sweet, too pure--it's the 40's after all.
so, it lost the battle to become a fantasy friday post, and i have family in town so i have no time to write.
deal with it.

hope you're all having great fun without me...
i will take some time and catch up on all your delicious and nutritious blogs as soon as my house is empty....
stay tuned for some hot stuff tomorrow.
i will not forget you!! ;)

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

hey hey what can i do?

i got a woman who won't be true, lawd...

nah, i don't.
but that happens to be one of my top 5 favorite led zepellin songs.

okay, how sad is it when you not only get hungry from watching an info-mercial, but...
pause in your writing to watch it for so long that the screen saver comes on??
the remote is uh, shit.
actually within reach...
hold that thought.
how do YOU spell relief?
my most common answer to that question would be: p-e-e-i-n-g.
but for the moment it would be a nice quiet room.
i'm glad i shared that.
i feel closer to you now.

there are three things in this world that would make me happy right now.
1. diet impact-free desserts
2. a personal assistant
3. a half dozen pool boys or assorted yard hands...

although i'd settle for a snack of some kind.

i got the cooooolest stuff from my Christmas in June Secret Santa buddy!!
and i almost made myself wait until the 25th to open it...
but i'm glad i didn't.
Sandra did her research!
she sent me--all the way from GERMANY--some very cool things.
including, but not limited to, a black thong--very sexy, suits my taste precisely--and the most luscious lip balm i've ever tried.
all of which was wrapped in...
pictures of naked men.
(no, Jonnie, don't stress--they were from a magazine, not the ones you sent her)
so yeah, i would say it's been a fabulous holiday season.
and hopefully my package reaches its recipient by friday...
a hearty thanks goes out to Boz for orchestrating this whole plot--
he is my hero if ever i had one (which i don't, but hey)
he's like The Greatest American Hero, even.
...yeah, curly blond hair and tight gym shorts.

there are beginning to be too many really great blogs for me to keep up with.
could some of you stop being so damned entertaining??
either that or i could actually get around to adding some folks to my sidebar...
the problem with that is twofold...
first of all, i'm lazy.
second of all, i'm feeling overcrowded--claustrophic.
i'm feeling like eminem baby--time to clean out my closet (or sidebar)
my page takes nearly a full 10 seconds to load--and that's even on my husband's computer.
my laptop is falling apart like a leper in an earthquake, so it doesn't surprise me that it's slow.
(and if you're not still laughing over that leper thing, then you suck. cuz i am.)
but his machine is a lean mean uh--
i already said machine so i think it would sound really silly if i said it again.
fighting machine...
you get the picture.

and if i could stop thinking nasty, evil thoughts about forbidden foods, that would help.
not to be like...a total girl, but...i'm GETTING FAT AGAIN.
abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous.
(which is also known as ri-cock-ulous.)
oh well.
happiness is but a tummy tuck away.

have a happy hump day---

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

could it be tuesday already?

yeah, i suppose it could.
so here's the scoop:
my mom and my sister are flying in tomorrow from Maine and Florida.
to stay with me all week...
so, i'll be rather scarce for a while.
i plan to still post a couple of times, and check comments, so stick around.

anyway, it would appear that i am the exact opposite of "in the mood" to write this damn thing.
i would rather pick my earwax out with the dull end of a pen and inspect it.
or stare at the ceiling.
or give my shoulders a nice firm rub (cuz hot DAMN i had a great workout today)
oh, well i guess that's something i could talk about...
since it's a rare and unusual thing for me to do.
but seriously--this morning was a busy one, and i ended up getting to the gym much later than i had planned--
and also much bitchier.
i was in a state, let's say.
so i started the mp3 player, flipped through until i hit Rammstein's "bang bang" (XXX soundtrack)
and ran a mile.
then i hit the weights.
quite literally...
it felt absolutely wonderful though.
and every time the playlist would hit a slower paced song, i would angrily jam at buttons until i found some more godsmack or metallica.
(I know, i went and girlied it all up didn't I?)
and anthrax--whoa, mama.
i need to listen to more anthrax.
but anyway.
by the time i headed back to do my 30 minutes of cardio i was relatively calm.
so i really enjoyed that run, too.
i came home, refreshed but ravenous.

and then.

when my husband got home we attacked the disaster area which was our garage.
it holds two cars easily, but we let it get so clogged with stuff over the winter that he's been parking in the driveway for months now.
he did most of the work, but jesus H. that was exhausting!!
looks great though, and both our vehicles now fit cozily inside.

and then.

he reminded me of a suggestion i had made earlier, concerning something of his and a place it should go, yadda yadda yadda...

and now i'm here.
attempting to write something non-shitty.
something non-committal.
something non-ugly, non-brown, non-lemons-into-lemonade-y...
something purple on the inside, but non-purple on the non-inside...

i wish i could leap tall buildings with a single bound (or possibly a double bound)
i wish i could run faster than a speeding bullet--but only if it would work on water too.
i miss the innocent days of my youth when i didn't know...
i wish i didn't know that everything has an ending--except rainbows.

i want some watermelon.
i want everything to go well this week...
to show my mom and my sister (who is the one i need to impress) that i am perfect too.
okay, that almost made me laugh out loud.
i guess they know by now that i'm not like them...and they love me anyway.
i still wish i could be.
mostly i want my kids to behave and my stress levels to do the same.
and i want everything to be relaxed and fun...
like it is when i'm not the host...
i guess this little therapy exercise just worked--
now i know why i'm freaking out about two of my favorite people coming to visit.
let's repeat this together:
they don't expect me to be perfect.
we will have fun.
it's us--the three musketeers, for chrissakes.
and let's not forget the best part:
i get to meet my sister's one and only baby for the first time!!
sooo excited!
i wish her husband was coming, but he's a pilot for the Navy and could not arrange for time off this week.
hats off to him though, eh?

in fact, i will be spending the earlier evening with my girlfriends tomorrow
having a beer and just laughing.
so that should be a good buffer for the transition from frantic cleaning and shopping to joyous airport greetings.

thanks for letting me vent.
yeah, i know--i didn't give you much warning.
sorry if you had somewhere to be.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

oh what a night....

late december back in 63
what a very special time for me
as i remember what a night.

(just a little frankie valli and the 4 seasons for you.)

but seriously---
what a fucking night.
a good one, certainly.
some of it planned, then rearranged, but much of it unexpectedly good.
we remembered we haven't had Thai food for a long time so we had some.
kicking oursleves and licking our lips (not as hard as it sounds if you do yoga)
for staying away from such flavors for so long.
god DAMN it was good.
even if we did have an appetizer of cake and ice cream at the mom in law's.
then, with the kids safely tucked away with her until this morning...
we headed home...
then a couple of hours later we got ready to go out.
(nudge nudge, wink wink)
as we drove to the club, we got a call with an update.
the new plan was to go to a party with our newly single friend, then head to the bar from there.
i wasn't especially looking forward to walking into a house full of young single strangers--because you just never know.
turns out, all the coolest kids in provo were congregated there, so it was a worry for nothing.
played a fabulous drinking game, which made me feel much less than my newly acquired 29 years.
but don't ask me to tell you the rules, cuz i lost the second round and the penalty was drinking about 2 beers in one shot (on top of the two i had consumed more slowly throgh the games...)
and hell, who stops there??
then it was downstairs to their regulation black jack table--betting for drinks, not money.
these kids were hardcore. heh.
very cool.
one guy was from upstate new york--next door to the town where an old boyfriend's college is, which i visited. Potsdam.
and his girlfriend was from idaho, but they both immediately knew i was a new england girl.
you have no friggin clue how much of a compliment that is.
i could try to explain it, but i won't bore you.
just know that this is clonesville and i was glad that after 10 years i still don't blend in.
so then it was off to the bar for some dancing and peeing.
yes, more bar pissing.
like at least 5 times in the two hours we were there.
once, on the way back from a pee trip some guy grabbed me and started dancing with me, close.
i laughed and said, pointing, "my husband's right over there."
and then there was the girl in the red outfit, with PANTYHOSE?? on.
the boys (my husand & his buddy) took one look at her and said, practically in unison:
she's a pro.
and the more we watched her, the more we were certain.
this girl was a hooker--probably on her first night.
the look on her face gave me chills, even in my slightly fogged state of mind.
cold fear, discomfort, determination.
i really couldn't look at her for more than a few seconds...
and then i saw the guy who sang NKOTB the other night, and i couldn't stop smiling.
he caught me a couple of times and i looked away.
then we headed back for more black jack and food.


it was a great night.
oh! i almost forgot...
go here for a good read, and to hear a deliciously accented birthday wish to me from overseas...

Saturday, June 19, 2004

happy birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE

yes, i'm purposely announcing it so that you'll all feel compelled to say nice stuff.
but frankly, i'd really just love to hear everyon'es favorite dirty joke.
and, if you want to hear a wonderful birthday wish,
Boz sang happy birthday to me over at the Real World....Blogger Style house.

and for those of you (cough--stalkers) out there who know my schedule--
YES it is well before my usual hour of waking.
NO i do not general enjoy being woken. period.
and lord have mercy (cuz i sure won't) on one who wakes me before the proper time.
buuut....last night i went to sleep very early, and when one of the little ones woke me at an uncharacteristically early hour, i felt so good i chose to stay awake myself.
i know...
i think it might be a sign of some kind.
an omen as to what kind of year this is meant to be for me...
unusally productive?
personality altering?
i don't know--i was only a psych major for two semesters...

today is already a beautiful day--74 fucking degrees at 6:30am, though.
that just reminded me that i dreamed strange things.
(well duh)
but that remeinded me of the dream i ahd last night where i bought, like...25 bathing suits.
anyway, if it's hot maybe we'll take the kids to some water before DROPPING THEM OFF AT MY MOTHER IN LAW'S FOR A SLEEPOVER.
that means that tomorrow morning i will most assuredly NOT be up at 6:30.
wooooooooo hoooooooooooo!!!!
in fact, i'll probably be dreadfully hungover but we'll see.
the other weird dream i had was like a movie--
the kitchen of a darkened home, very rustic setting.
a man frantically looking for proof of something important--um, something scientific.
a cure? the antidote for some horrendous evil that had been unleashed by "the bad guy".
there is a lantern which gets knocked over and a fire starts, some other people scramble for cover--oddly, going up some stairs. (dumbasses)

oh shit.
my friend talked me into trying a new product.
a tan in a bottle product.
she claims it is really great.
i just looked at my hands.
well, THIS dumbass now has brown stained hands.
i am now too afraid to go look in a mirror to assess the rest of the damage.
why do i not learn???
the product may be good.
but i happen to suck.
i had actually built up a decent REAL tan, but then it rained for a few days and i worked for a few days...
fuckity fuck fuck FUCK.
kay...just for your reading pleasure, i'll go take a peek....
not bad.
my forearms are a bit streaky--cuz i forgot you're not supposed to put any there.
and my stomach is growling so loudly i can't concentrate.
i just realized how funny that is though--cuz...when i'm hungry...i tend to growl a bit.

well, i hope you all have a happy my birthday, and if i do'nt see you again, a happy father's day!!
please, who am i kidding??
i'll be back.
oh and did i mention it's my birthday???
I'm 29, if you're asking.
so tell me happy birthday (or to fuck off--either way, i'll smile).

Friday, June 18, 2004

fantasy friday

yes, it's here.
like, yay and stuff.
oh yeah--and i think you're going to like this one.
it's a bit,
(i.e.: if you're under 18 or know me in real life STOP READING NOW)

i step off the plane
we crush together, like two flowers in the fist of an angry child.
and stumble for the nearest taxi
somehow we reach the hotel
i don't know how, but we're there, near a bed
and we stop for a moment to look at each other...while slowly undressing.
our breathing is all that belies the smoothness of our movements--ragged and raw, our eyes glittering
it's almost as if we're boxers waiting to make the first move
you win--
pouncing on me, knocking me to the bed
our kisses are deep and feral
our hands nearing frenzy as they search each other's newly discovered bodies

i am kneeling over you now, your mouth working...
we are a perfect fit--like a yin and a yang, a 6 and a 9...
you explode into my mouth and i swallow every last drop--
needing to have as much of you as you'll give.
you roll me over, roughly
and slide inside
you, looking down at me--i almost cry just knowing it's really you
that you're here...
that your hands are on my skin
that your eyes are on mine...
i want to devour you myself, make you a part of me
i tell you to go harder
you pull my hips so deeply into you it should hurt, but it doesn't
the need is so strong--we're almost fighting
each of us trying to engulf the other in this wave of passion.
both of us needing to feel every drop of pleasure
we do become one--and the rest of the world drops away
it is only our bodies and our sighs filling the hollow space of the empty planet.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

is it wednesday?

and instead of hump day can it be "last minute jaunt to the bar for karaoke night" day?
or something.
got a drunken call from a drunken friend (cuz what is one without the other? they're like chocolate and peanut butter)
which resulted in the securing of a babysitter (summer is great for weekday partying)
and the rushing to get the kids to bed.
and the having of dinner at 10 pm or so.
and the stumbling into "going out" clothes.
and the dashing on of what i consider make up (lip gloss and mascara--whoa. and by the way, does anyone ever wear more than that?? if so, why? but i digresss...)
pitchers of good beer, and bad games of pool.
(one so bad in fact, that we prayed for our names to be called for our karaoke performance in order to be rid of the mother fucking game)
and it worked.
well, we thought they called us, so we reached the stage and realized he said we would follow the present singer.
[the following lines were scribbled on a napkin as i stood at the bar]
and there were two slightly off-duty strippers, although i use that term loosely.
(no, i couldn't resist that pun)
who were REALLY skanking up the place.
it didn't need much help, frankly.
the bathrooms were the kind for which you use your foot to flush the toilet,
and your elbow to dispense paper towels.
and ALWAYS, i repeat, ALWAYS use the same stall for repeat business.
cuz...think about it: i figure you already HAVE the cooties from that one, why risk it?
and a boy sang--
are you ready?
Hangin' Tough.**
i leaned over and asked my husband (through involuntary spouts of giddiness) if i could marry the dude.
he didn't particularly like the idea.
but aaaaawww!
such sweet memories of childhood.
and of course there was a slightly off-key rendition of Better Man (pearl jam) by two particularly hot girls.
...whose lyrics made me a little sad when i saw my husbands' best friend dancing--
no, he's not THAT bad of a dancer.
it's just that his wife left him and i have friggin PMS, okay??
i mean, i almost cried when he sang (as a duet with my husband) Every Rose has its Thorn (poison--the band, although rather like poison for the ears...)
how is he getting through this?
losig his family?
his house, everything--out of the blue?
i couldn't look at him singing.
so i wrote this.
[end bar napkin rant]

the only reason i rushed to make this post is that i was afraid the napkins would get lost or used...heh.
now let me get the fuck to bed.
yes, you can come with me.
ew--not YOU.
what kind of a girl do i look like??
don't answer that.
but i'm serious, bubba--back off.
no, not YOU.
you are my precious.
did i ever tell you i have the LOTR Risk game?
and one of the game pieces is a replica of the ring???
want to know the extent of my nerdiness?
i wear it sometimes.
ONLY because it's pretty.
and i can feel its power....

i hope you all had a less smoke filled evening, but one filled with an equal measure of mirth.
**DISCLAIMER: after reading my first two comments this morning, i realized some clarification was needed. when i was 11 i was discovered near a forest, having been raised by wild turtles, and re-socialized. However, the misfortune of it was that the family by whom i was adopted had daughters about my age who were involved in a frenzied star-worhipping crush on the members of the New Kids on the Block. I, HAVING NO OTHER SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE, happily joined them in this pursuit. as time went on, i grew more and more independent in my thinking and (thank every god anyone has ever believed in) i discovered real music.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

there's no time like the present--

for...scratching your balls.
yeah, that's right--if you got 'em, scratch 'em.

i'm at work today, so this will have to be a quick one.
well, not necessarily, because the clock doesn't start ticking until i start working, so who really gives a shit??

i keep forgetting to ask for a different keyboard, though.
this one is annoying as hell--it's ergonomic, which is nice.
but the keys are lethargic.
oh wait...maybe that's just me.
(yes, i'm rolling my eyes at my own stupid joke).
i did stay up a bit too late last night, but that's really none of your business.
unless you were the one watching all the action from a pair of binoculars in your parked car across the street.
in which case--next time, just come say hi, okay?
put in a little effort--how much fun do you think it is to just be anonymously stalked??

dare i mention?
the Lakers...
i'm actually kind of sad--but only because of karl malone.
even if he is an ass (or an 'arse' depending on which direction the atlantic is from you)
i love watching good basketball.
and baseball.
football pisses me off.
and i was never instructed in the ways of professional teams and worship thereof...
but i was a cheerleader (have i mentioned that enough times for you yet??)
so i have a firm grasp on team spirit...
that reminds me!!!
the other night.
oh, god this is so damn embarassing!!!
(yes, i'm posting it anyway)
i was nude.
and as a joke i suggested to my husband that i do a cheerleader jump...
so i did.
and he laughed so hard he almost cried.
i bristled a little, "so...that wasn't sexy?"
"....uh, no. maybe if you knew how to jump!"
so apparently i need to practice a little...
and you better fucking believe that i WILL.
(just not nude...)

on a morning commute (yes 10:30 counts as morning!) nothing quite beats good music.
of course, the best song always comes on right as i reach the g.d. office.
but whatever.
i don't have a deadline for being here, so i have the freedom to sit in my car and jam out until either, A. i feel stupid or B. i get bored with not driving or C. someone walks by and laughs, pointing....
(for the record: metallica's Anywhere i roam, and B.)

i have now been here for almost an hour, so maybe it's time to get to work.
(i got called into my husband's office immediately upon my arrival, to help him make some internet purchase decisions. also none of your damned business.)
for those of you out there in chat land...
wish i was there, wish you were here
--hell, i'm just glad i don't have IM's installed here, or i'd be paying a babysitter for 6 hours of chat!!!
i'm an addict.
get me help....
...or just stop by and say hello.
(also, remind me to start working on some 'serious' writing at some ponit. cuz i've been readnig stephen king's book again and lord knows HE won't be calling to remind me. the fact that we grew up in the same area means nothing to him...despite all my letters and calls...)

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

there wasn't a thing i could do about it...

(sometimes my titles just slip off my fingers and they are apropos of nothing.)

and yeah...i love using slick little latin words to try and smart up my site--why do you ask???

don't worry, i don't actually think it'll work.
this site will still be a silly, ridiculous waste of time.
trust me.

maybe today i'll talk about painting my toenails.
i'm addicted to this, you know.
but, like a sloppy addict--a lazy one.
it's just that i have to have them painted or i feel naked.
--not that i don't LOVE being naked, it's just that to be properly naked, one must have pretty toes.

there are some things in life that can't be explained, can't be known.
it's odd how this list of things is longer for some and that everyone's list has different items.
it's also a little fucking odd that i can't be deep with a child on my lap asking why every 3.4 seconds....
i may have been on my way to a great philosophical discovery there.
but we'll never know....
okay, okay--i can pretty much guarantee that that line of thought was going nowhere anyway.
but still.
having someone to blame is like a fucking mastercard commercial: priceless.

i do wish i would spend more time contemplating the ice berg that lies below the surface instead of just gliding merrily along the parts above water.
they're so sparkly and slippery and nice, though!!
but still.
i am not really a shallow person--just lazy.
i am fun loving and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants
(that took like, ten minutes to type with all those god damn hyphens--i hope you appreciated it!!)
i think i revert to my shallow persona to alleviate my own suffering...
from feeling things too deeply.
it can be crippling, you know...
to feel every little thing--each one like a pin prick or the slash of a knife.
to yearn for things i shouldn't, or to marvel over the smile of my child--to the point of tears.
to see in my mind the expanse of lonely dark nights and sobbing ahead for a friend in pain, or the bliss filled years of one who found her soulmate--marred only slightly by the pain her choice causes her mother, and her own faith. listening to music is a transportation device--through time and space.
and it pierces me so thoroughly that i feel it pulsing inside and it takes my mind and heart to the depths of black caverns or propels me to the stars, to a warm summer field, to the cool salty ocean, to a dark quiet bedroom--to a locked chest full of memories.

i cherish these visions, but sometimes they are too much.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Just a goofy thought I had

this is an audio post - click to play

and, as usual, almost worth listening to.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

well, at least i had ONE hangover this weekend...

but it wasn't a bad one, actually.
yesterday was a beautiful day, as is today.
we had a lovely dinner, at the bar at the Outback.
and some damn fine beer--cold, and taaalll.
the bartender was awesome, my new best friend, i think.
and then we went to our friends' house for a bit of a party.
and i remembered again why i love my husband's group of friends from high school so much:
they're like family to each other, they have so much history, so many great stories.
they remind me of my friends...back home.
this one guy--pleasantly inebriated--hadn't seen me since right after i had the twins.
i had on a short denim skirt, some sandals and a tight black v-neck shirt...
yeah, i'll say it--i looked great.
but he was hilarious: looked me up and down, slowly, several times, while saying, "wow, Lisa, you got skinny...i mean,'re skinny..."
i think he was afraid to say anything more, or anything different.
cuz...i might look okay, but skinny is NOT the best word to describe me.
i don't know, to me it was funny--and, of course, flattering.

blah blah blah.

ahhhh....that's much better.
oddly soothing after a late bedtime for the kids.
JUST got them down (it's now ten pm)
and i may not have seen the last of them...

it's sunday, so what the fuck?
i shouldn't even bother writing.
but if you didn't read yesterday's post, it was--at the very least--more entertaining than this one.

and i'll have you know, i succeeded in mostly removing a certain pole from my ass that was causing me some difficulty.
feels gooood.
i can breathe again.

does anybody want to come over and clean my house?
and no...
that is not code for "make sweet love down by the fire".
but if you wear a french maid's uniform while cleaning, i will definitely reconsider.
nothing sexier than a cross-dresser.
not true.
actually, nothing turns me off more.
but, you know...i couldn't mention cleaning and sex and NOT bring up the maid's uniform thing.
that has to be one of the most cliche fantasies in the book.
okay, okay--i'll wear the french maid's uniform, but you have to clean.
just who in the hell do i think i'm addressing here???
none of my readers are local (at least i hope to GOD they're not...)
it is my deepest fear that one day at the gym someone will come up to me and say...
"are you the boredhousewife?"
okay, maybe "deepest fear" is a bit of an exaggeration...
i would love it, okay?
it would make my frigging day.
but i still fear it.

you know, these godsmack boys are awfully angry.
someone ought to give them a hug.
(i believe a siren just went off, and a flashing sign has appeared over my head, "OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD")
okay, i was kidding.
but really...
i would take the lead singer's clothes off and give him one hell of a "hug".
...if that's what you want to call it.
hey, as long as he's a little happier when i've finished, what's the difference, really?

i wish i had my own private gym so i could sing along with my music while i work out.
i mean...
i guess i could still do that.
i would get some killer funny looks.
especially if i pretended to believe that no one could hear me.
yes, i've been hitting the crack pipe a little harder than usual today, why do ask??

i really need to take some new pictures.
of anything and everything--but also of myself.
maybe i'll take one of my tan lines.
oh wait--i don't have any.
yes, don't worry--i'm rolling my eyes, too.
what a dork.

well, i seem to have run out of things to say.
and just in the knick of time.
later dudes--

Saturday, June 12, 2004

i love saturday mornings

particularly the ones where i don't wake up in a pool of regret and vomit.
that's actually never happened to me.
but, i do hate waking up hung over.
and i'm not.
so there is much joy and happiness.

i'm a last minute shopper, it's no surprise.
so i'm going out to get a few things for the husband today.
i was planning to get him a new golf bag, but he changed his mind.
what's the next logical choice?
of course!
it's off to the sex toys shop!
but i was picturing myself at the checkout counter (i don't care WHO you are, that's an awkward moment..."yes, yes--i'm planning to have this shoved inside one of my intimate body cavities later. oh that? yes we thought we'd see if we could fit that in too. nice color isn't it? i think it'll go well with these...")
so anyway, i was imagining my conversation with the sales clerk--
"yeah, they're for father's day. oh! (pause) for my HUSBAND. yeah...not my father--that would just be fucking sick! oh. well, i guess it is a little sick anyway..."
think i'll shelve that one and opt for awkward silence.

speaking of AWKWARD SILENCE!!
so how are you?
how 'bout those Lakers, eh?

well, speaking of disturbing...
i just glanced up at the cartoon my kids are watching.
(sponge bob, for the record, which is great stuff.)
but there was a little banner, an ad for a later show--
"for a freaky good time call ashley 555-6123"
okay, not the last part.
but it did say, "for a freaky good time"
and instructed you to watch a particular cartoon later.
maybe i'm the only perv out there. (probably not)
or maybe most kids wouldn't get it. (probably)
i don't know.
i guess i'm just a little disturbed at the way the world is going to hell in such a pretty little handbasket.
maybe i was raised waaaaaaaaay too christiany.
but jeeeeezus!
i mean, hell.
now i'm stuck in a religous terms swearing loop.
what was i saying?
oh yeah.
degenerates everywhere.
end of story.

i think i'll exercise a little self-control...
and instead of sitting here all day, i'll go hop in the shower.
and drag this starting-to-get-fat-again ass of mine to the gym.
and stop eating--and sleeping.
wouldn't it be easier if i just smoked crack for a couple of weeks??
why do all the good diets have to be illegal?

okay, off to do this the right way.
have a fun saturday.

***additional comment, 6pm:

first of all, it is important to note that tomorrow is NOT Father's Day.
i had a bridal shower to attend at 3pm today.
so, i planned to do my father's day shopping and pick up a gift for the bride-to-be at the same time.
I planned to do this after the shower.
after the shower.
so, i got home from the gym around 1:30 and the husband said...
"you might want to get into the shower if you're going to pick up her gift on the way."
it was like bells going off in my head.
i laughed so hard i almost peed my pants!!!
i swear to G.O.D. if i were any flakier...i would be a croissant.
which they had at the shower...
lots of good food...
i guess the fucking diet starts tomorrow--again.
ooh--a "fucking" diet?
i like the sound of that.
maybe i should just up my dosage--
from "one-two daily, as needed" to "one-two before each meal"...
i'm sure the mr. would approve.
hell, he'd even swear that 9 out of 10 doctors would agree (and let's face it, they probably would).
i'll let you know how that goes.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Fantasy Friday number twenty something

(don't even ask--i am way too lazy to count them all)

let's just get started on this, shall we?
we'll see if i can churn something out that's worth reading...
(oh and if you listened to that wretched audio post, i was lying: i haven't pre-meditated this post any more than i ever other words not at all. but i was going to. does that count?)


i lie in bed.
not exactly tossing and turning...
but definitely not sleeping.
my mind racing--my heart racing.
i try not to think of you.
but this effort is keeping me awake.
so i rationalize--just for a moment, i'll think of him.
so i do...
i think of your skin, and how it warms to my touch.
i think of your eyes--the way they look when i make you laugh.
i think of your ears, how they taste when i nibble them.
i think of your hands, how they know my body better than i do.
i think of your hip bones--and how they feel when i grab them and pull you hard into me.
i think of your back, so strong and straight.
i think of your they feel on my neck.
and i slide one hand down...down...
i stop thinking in words.
i stop thinking in thoughts.
but i feel you all around me, i taste you, i hear your breath.
i let out a sigh as my head tips back.

(yikes, this one turned out rather lengthily...but i think y'all will like it...)

he was fighting back tears--or the contents of his stomach, feeling like a miserable failure.
then he heard something rather musical...
to his ears at least.
the sound of her engine refusing to turn over.
his heart quickened again.
he turned around.
she was stepping out of the jeep with a frustrated look on her face.
he offered her some help--for the second time since the dance class ended that evening.
she thanked him and said she would just call someone for a ride...
then realized she had left her cell phone at home.
she glanced around for a pay phone...none.
so he offered her a ride, tentatively.
she thanked him for his kindness but asked if he was sure.
he was, so they headed for the bike.
when she saw it she stopped, touched his arm and turned to him.
is that your ride?
her eyes sparkled.
he couldn't help but smile back.
they slid on and the rumble of the engine disrupted the night.
she wrapped around him, before she even needed to, and he was afraid he'd forget how to drive.
she shouted directions into his ear as the wind whipped around them, and he smiled at her address.
on the far side of town.
she buried her face in his neck and his grip tightened unexpectedly on the throttle, giving them a bit of a lurch.
her arms around his waist, one hand resting slightly higher, near his pierced nipple.
he could feel the muscles in her long, lean legs as she held on with her whole body when he took corners.
when he reached her house she whispered, keep going.
so he did.
they drove all night, up the coast, meeting the sun on its way back around.
she had finally had enough and she sighed this into his ear.
he stopped the bike and she sat holding him for a long silent minute.
his heart had regained its proper rhythm somewhere in the night, but now it started its dance again.
her finger was idly tracing the outline of his six pack.
she stretched, then slid around him, on the bike.
face to face.
she kissed him once, softly, without a word.
his fingers involuntarily constricted, pressing into her back.
she asked him how old he was.
eighteen, he lied. (next month...)
she tilted her head--
so instead of names, they had exchanged ages.
he could dig it.
she ran the back of her hand along his cheek, feeling the stubble.
one thumb trailed his lip and he thought he might die if he didn't touch her--or if he did.
she slid her hands under his shirt, then pulled him close for another kiss.
he had been with pretty girls before, but...
this was not a girl.
this was a woman.
he was frozen in indecision.
she took one of his hands and placed it on her thigh, under her long skirt.
she began to kiss his neck while she worked on his pants.
when they were open she leaned back just a little to smile at him before sliding into place.
i hope you weren't saving this for prom night, she whispered.
he stood, holding her in place and laid them on a soft patch of grass.
she looked up at him waiting for a reply.
no. definitely not.
the sight of her, with her hair spilled out around her under the rising sun was almost enough in itself, so he thought persistently of his calculus class and the hag who taught it.
he moved slowly over her, while her hands explored every inch of him.
he was afraid to touch her, but she took his hand and guided him.
he bent low, burying his face in her neck, smelling her hair as he grabbed handfuls of it.
he let out a small sound--a whimper? a moan?
she tilted her hips into him and held him closer as they rocked.
she dug her nails into his shoulder blades and said, almost harshly, harder.
and he obeyed.
as they lay in a sweaty, panting heap in the shadow of the motorcycle, she looked at him.
you're beautiful, she whispered.
and he felt robbed--left speechless because she had stolen his words.
you are...

she saw in his face all the words he dismissed for their inadequecies.
and she knew.

really crappy audio post

this is an audio post - click to play

no, i'm not kidding.
it sucks.
but you can listen to it if you want.

i was just barrelling down the freeway...

thinking, "why the fuck are there so many cars on the road at eleven forty fucking five on a fucking thursday???"
when i realized.
good LORD i'm crotchety.
and not in the "and still cute because you're an old lady" way either.
but then the violent femmes's 'Kiss Off' came on the radio.
i turned it up.
and with it my smile.
what a cheerful little angry song.
it made me giggle.

so now the waves of annoyance at the world are receding like a tide.
...unfortunately they're leaving the same smell as a real receding tide.
you ocean folk know what i'm talking about.
mud flats.
funny how well bitter and sweet go hand in hand.
they're like two halves of a whole.
without one the other is useless, not full--more than just empty.
(can you see my evil grin at the way that word might make some of you squirm???)
i am an evil overlord.
i really and truly am.
back to work for me.
and i'll pretend i'm sitting here naked, if you will.

well, look at that--blogger decided to work

i'm using Word Pad because blogger isn't letting me write a post...
on second thought, that probably means i shouldn't write one.
i'm also in a rage, which is a second indicator i shouldn't write anything.
(for public viewing at least)

so i'll take a couple of deep breaths (yes, possibly from something lying around Anti's house...)
and then i'll change the subject.
i will not address the petty, silly thing that is bothering me.
because i don't frigging feel like it, that's why.

and i have this stupid song running through my head.
it's a song i love, but it's really starting to annoy me.
okay, back to the deep breaths...

so my friend called to tell me what he thought was the funniest joke ever, about the special olympics.
but it was retarded.

yeah, i know...i am a loser.
but i had to do something to jar myself out of the fucking state i had worked myself into.

now i have some good tunes on, blocking out monsters god damn Inc.
and i remember sitting on the grass.
the ocean salty in the air.
he sat on a park bench, with his guitar.
so modest, so beautiful.
i couldn't move.
the others talked and laughed, making requests.
his eyes would meet mine, almost furtively (but in a sweet, soft way), as he changed chords.
and my eratically beating heart would stop for a moment.
and i hadn't even tasted his skin yet.

i feel stale.
i feel like everything i have to say has already been said--some of it by me.
the shadows on the wall are soft, because the light outside is dark.
it's a cold, gray day.
But I love it.
I think the gods heard me--
when a thought flitted through my head, wondering if there would be any breaks from the heat.
i know, i'm a wuss.
i just happen to be a spoiled little brat who likes things her way all the time.
and the heat wasn't even really bothering me.
so wait...
maybe those asshole gods are up to their "thing" again.
that thing where they like to piss me off.
and boy do they!
oh well.
fuck em.

i have a feeling my muse has been taken hostage by those nasty little gods.
he/she/it is no where to be found these days.
i want to stand on top of a green hill, with the wild flowers dancing in the breeze.
bees buzzing, purple clover like pom poms on children's hats filling the air.
i want to hold my arms up to the blue sky and simply wish for the rain, and bring it.
gently, warmly--sliding through the sunshine.
i want to feel it run down my naked body, cleansing me of anything and everything useless or unused or unhappy or uncomfortable or unworthy.
i want to tip my head back and drink it in, being filled with the glitter of it.
i want to feel--in the deepest part of me--a satisfaction and joy so pure it almost hurts.
i want to be so light from this cleansing that i float away on a breeze.
i would notice this with the soft smile of someone drugged, and will myself to go higher and faster.
the wind would cradle me, surprisingly warm--or is it just that i don't mind coldness now?
i would only notice the earth below as soft patches of color, and an inner compass would guide me to the destination that my heart hadn't even shared with my head yet.
and i would land, softly.
clothed in clouds and flowers.
a young man sitting under a tree with a notebook, frustrateted.
i would whisper things in his ear, and his pen would start moving, his face would brighten yet grow more serious with concentration.
his focus would be so sharp upon that page, upon his own need to create, that he would never see me.
and when i had poured out all that i had for him, the wind would lift me again.
it is then that he would see me, and reach out for me.
but i would be gone.

i guess that's what i did on my summer vacation.
or if Lisa a Muse.
if i was a muse, nothing would ever be created again--cuz it would all suck.
besides, with powers like that, i would just travel the world looking for lovers.
which is where i thought i was going with that, but then the whole landing in a strange place in my birthday suit thing sort of put me in a different direction.
although, on second thought...
nothing like a little cheesy sci-fi porn to start the day, eh??

have a good day, and if you see my muse--tell her to sober the fuck up and come home.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

little power outage last night

we dragged our sorry, sunburned asses back from the water park just as the sun went down.
(and no, smart asses, don't even say it--our asses were not literally sunburned)
and as we headed down Main st, a couple of traffic lights were out.
wonder how that happened?
oh look, so is the one on our street.
god DAMMIT the power better not be out.
for the record, it was just another hot and sunny day.
there was a 4 minute rain shower, but come on!!!
even the grand desert state of utah could usually handle that much rain without turning into a mini armageddon. (and not the one with ben affleck and liv tyler)
so, of course, the power was out.
we got the little ones into bed as the light faded.
and, looking on the bright side, (and laughing at ourselves for itching for our computer or tv) we decided to play a board game with the 8 year old.
and yes, i know what you're thinking: damn that 8 year old!!
if he wasn't with us this week we could have made much better use of a 9pm lights out...
so we played Operation, but by the end we were using my husband's lighter to see the pieces.
i lit some candles but those didn't provide the right kind of light.
we went outside, where there was more light, to play UNO.
during the first hand we noticed lights coming on at neighbors' houses.
i wanted to run to my computer and sloppily make out with it for a minute.
but i didn't even turn it on.
well, that came out better than i planned!!!
by that point the exhaustion of the day had set in and all i wanted to do was lay there and die.

oh yeah, and i finally made it to the gym yesterday--first time in a week.
but i think i figured out a way to still go on the days that i work.
yes, i's a tough life.
and a boring life, let's don't forget.
ooh-oooh--and a bitchy life.
okay, that's all.

kids are watching Bob the Builder, and it's interfering with my concentration.
just a little.
i don't think back-hoes get allergies.
and if they do, i bet they don't sneeze.
but i guess they don't talk either, or drive themselves.
but still, allergies is stretching it a bit.

and also...
they're in the "why?" stage.
two of them.
asking "why?" to the strangest fucking stuff.
well, they ask it about everything--in a seemingly indiscriminate manner.
if i make it through this, then it's possible that i'll make it through their teen years.
although i can't make any guarantees that they will...

ten days til the last year of my twenties begins.
will you all indulge me in my over-dramaticizing it?
either indulge or ignore, it's up to you.
i don't know why i'm so excited for the day, since i already have my husband's presents and my mom's.
AND i'll have to throw myself a birthday party for my brothers and their families-- following a very strict protocol.
it'll be fun, but it's too freaking hot to want to do anything.
am i done whining yet?
hell no.
don't you go anywhere!!!
there's plenty more to come!
okay, i'm actually done.

i just stumbled on a kids show with whoopi goldberg (who i love) and rosie perez (who scares me)...and the latter is singing a song about flashlights to the tune of the Monkees "daydream believer"....
the kids like it of course.
well...i just stole a look at Max's face and frankly i'm not sure he doesn't share my opinion of Rosie.
i saw her on Letterman once, back in '93 (oh god i sound old. i mean, i was trying to sound old for shits and giggles, but it worked...) and she was talking about a dress/boob flashing incident involving her "psgetti straps"...and that was just the funniest part, the rest of the interview showed her to have a similar intellect to jessica simpson.
i knew i would never look at her the same again.
aw crap.
i just bagged on TWO Latinas in row on here.
i guess i'm outed--i make fun of people who get married more often than it rains in Maine, and people who seem stupid (cuz she couldn't be as moronic as she appeared and be a good actress), regardless of race.
that's right, i'm aracist.
not, a racist, but aracist, like asexual. but i'm not that, either. dammit.
i better quit while i'm ahead.
or quit to go give some head??

have a good day.
and pray to whatever gods you stumble across that i write something decent later.
cuz this shit's depressing.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

good morning from wonderland

and by "wonderland" i mean--i wonder why the fuck i'm still living in utah.

so you know how they say a man's morning routine is "shit, shower, and shave"?
well, i'm thinking it's more like: "shit, shower, shake-it-more-than-twice, and shave.".
i mean, come on fellas--admit it.
you're all a bunch of dirty little bastards.
so, at least I thought that was clever.
(of course, my husband didn't think it was funny. but it just sort of came out...)

so, not that i care...
but i just can't NOT make fun of J-Lo today.
she's married again.
and i think i know what's going on.
well, it's one of two things:
either her life's dream is to be Elizabeth Taylor--and all of this acting and singing has been to that end alone--and she's sorely behind in the quota of marriages...
OR she's a huge prude and won't put out until she's married...
you decide.

we have the 8 year old here this week.
he's such a great kid--i'll even grudgingly give his mother some of the credit.
but most of it goes to his easy-going nature that he inherited from my husband.
cuz she's a certified Psycho Hose Beast (the PHB).
so we're having fun with him--and the PS2 we got him for his birthday last week...
NO, that was not our ulterior motive. ahem.
but damn that thing is fun!!!
and i hate video games.
and wallpaper.
but that's a whole different story...

i found the coolest roulette table set up for my dad on ebay last night.
so, for the first time in years, his Father's Day present should arrive on time.
you have no idea who amazing this is.
in fact, his birthday's in march, my mom's birthday's in april, and mother's day was in may--all of those gifts have been sitting in my closet since well before their due dates and they just went out this morning as well.
i have issues.
i am highly allergic to the post office.
i think i was there the day the infamous disgruntled postal worker incident happened and i've blocked the memory.
so i must have post traumatic stress disorder from it.
maybe i should get a dog.

so here i sit.
feeling like writing...stuff.
stories maybe, or dreams.
i'm happy, and sometimes that surprises me.
sometimes it worries me--can i be happy being happy??
and furthermore, who in the hell tricked me into being happy in utah??
crazy world.
crazy love.
crazy girl.

and just like that: it's time to go to the gym.
how'd'ya like that?
i like it just fine, thanks.
be good.
(and i don't mean "behave yourself" i just mean if you end up in the sack, be good at it, for chrissakes.)

Monday, June 07, 2004

in case any of you failed to notice....

it's summer.
and i suppose this is a good thing.
for the most part.
i even don't entirely hate how i look in my new swimsuit.
but the heat i could really do without.
and the people.
of course, they're here in the winter too.
but if i could find a way to trick them all into moving away...
life would be grand.

it's a new season, so it's time for a whole new blog.
i'm going to start talking about politics and the environment.
i'm going to start writing each post carefully--from the punctuation right down to the syntax.
i'm going to thoughtfully plan out each post and do research, including links and pictures.
i was trying to be funny, but now i'm just depressed.
i'm really not even remotely interested in doing any of that, so don't worry--i won't.
but writing it still made me feel sad.
or pissed off.

oh yeeeeeeee haaaaw!!
looks like the garbage truck was just late today!
i thought we had missed it, but i wheeled the damn thing out anyway.
and there is the rumble of the truck....
life is so unexpectedly beautiful sometimes that i just want to cry.
(again with the trying to be funny resulting in depression.)

i know i whine about this a lot...
but i don't have anything to say.
come on girl--think.
this room is so uninspiring, that's what i'll blame it on.
but blame or no blame--i am empty.
dried up.
i've been thinking about taking some time off from this, to try to write something "real"...
but i doubt i'd actually get around to it.
on the other hand--my life is so damn boring that i fall asleep just thinking about it,
so what the hell do i expect to write about on here??
i have tortured you people long enough.

i was in a shitty mood yesterday.
so i went shopping.
and you know what?
it's true, what they say--spending money does make you feel better!
i got the cutest little skirt and some shirts.
happiness is but a receipt away....

fun night at the bar on saturday.
fun day at the reservoir yesterday.
and i have nothing to say about any of it.
it was nice.
yay for me.
...i guess i'm just a bit on the ornery side still.
are you guys all sick of my perpetual bad mood yet??
i sure am.
here's something--
at the reservoir, this couple and their little baby girl settled next to us.
and they just looked happy.
serene, even.
just content and full of light.
it was cool.
but sad, too, because it was so different from how most other couples look.
i realized that most couples aren't all that happy--not on a deep level at least.
i felt connected with them, knowing that i have that same happiness in my life.
i don't know.
i think i analyze strangers too much.
or smoke crack too much.
well, yeah, definitely that.

aw crap, it's almost time to go get my babysitter.

well, i do truly apologize for wasting your time today.
and tell me to quit whining.
or to buck up.
or fuck up---
which reminds me!
i finally saw Kill Bill vol 1 last night.
yes, i'm the last person alive to see it, bite me.
loved it.
including the gore.

have a great hair day.

Friday, June 04, 2004


i celebrate my looooove for you.
GOD no!!
and could someone please tell me where in the bloody fucking hell that came from???
i think i need to go wash my mouth out with soap.
uh, or my hands.
the meaning changes a bit.
the point is, i am appalled that i had that rattling around in my subconcious.
i am aghast that i let it spill off my finger tips.

so i am attempting to adopt a stray cat.
it is the sweetest little thing--barely past kittenhood.
i've been feeding her tuna all day...
she's so sweet...
and she came into the house for a minute...
but we couldn't let her stay, because my husband is allergic.
he gets all asthma-y.
(wow that was quite a mouthful)
the kids are smitten.
i am smitten.
the kitten is smitten (if you didn't see that coming--shame on you!!)

full moons are cool.
blah blah blah.

well, i was on a roll there for a second.
but then the wind shifted and i have found myself downwind of a paper mill.
gag with me if you've ever smelled a paper mill.
i've always wanted to be a lumberjack.
except for the cutting down trees part.
but the whole wearing high heels, suspenders and a bra?
sounds like a good life, to me.

shit piss fuck damn.

i thought i had a moment of peace and quiet...
but the kids i put to bed are not asleep yet, and hence i am continually drawn away from this to reprimand them.
how do you say re-reprimand???
cuz i keep doing it, so i'm reprimanding, and re-reprimanding.
and for that matter, who was in charge of primanding them??
god help me.

well, either god is shaped like a small blue pill or i just took a valium.
just tricking.
i'm soooooooo not a self-medicator.
it always sounds like fun, but i don't know...
it's just not me.
i prefer my drugs to be happiness enhancers, not sadness squelchers.
look at me--some kind of fucking poet.
fucking some kind of poet??
well if he is, he don't know it.
(but his feet sure show it...
cuz they are looooong fellows)

seriously--these are my cries for help.
if no one reaches out...
this might be my last night on earth.
in this body at least.
the idea of reincarnation is such a trip.
i would love it if you kept your entire mind each time.
that would rock.

this feels soooooo good.
no, i'm not going to tell you what i'm doing...
just kidding.
i meant the writing--the writing feels good.
but of course, my perpetually filthy little mind had to imagine that i was remarking on something that i was doing...or having done TO me...
but i wasn't.
no, no--i really wasn't.
come on, stop.
i wasn't talking about anything like that, i promise.
i wouldn't do that to you guys.
i really wasn't.
god dammit, just drop it! I WASN'T.
(if anyone wants to quote shakespeare to me right now, that would be funny.)
but i really wasn't.

have i ever mentioned how my kids call certain things "hookers"?
usually they just use that word to describe pull cords--like on a ceiling fan.
(don't ask why, cuz i have no clue)
but front of my pre-school teacher friend...
they called the lock on my car door that.
"i want to push the hooker."
we had a good laugh, but i don't think she believed me when i said they just made the word up.

do you know what i hate?
when a really gaaaaaaaaay song has lyrics that i relate to.
oh, and not so much gay, as just, well...
country western-ish.
and not like the old style of country song, where the dog died and his mistress ran off with his wife's mom and the trailer park shut down so he had to get his mobile home mobilized....
no, i'm talking about one of the garth brooks type of songs.
so maybe i jumped the gun.
they're nice songs.
maybe i just have a cloud of gloom surrounding my memories of those songs because i was exposed to them during my incarceration at BYU.
just saying that requires me to spew out several choice phrases, so avert your eyes if you're weak stomached (you know who you are...):
god damn mother fucking cock sucking sons of bitches
that was actually pretty disappointing.
god dammmmit.
just like my time spent there!

have i spewed enough for one session?
does that mean i'm ready to stop?
hail no.
i tried to make an audio post today but i lost the number.
well, that's a lie.
i have the number memorized.
sort of.
which, by the way, is an amazing feat--the advent of the cell phone has rendered my memory useless.
or unused, at least.
i don't know anyone's phone number if it has changed in the past 5 years.
(ooh, remind me to update my sidebar)
do i know every phone number of every childhood friend/relative?
well, like, duh and stuff.
i almost don't even know my own husband's cell number.
he's just "1" "send".
that's it, that's all.

and i think, on that note:
that's it, that's all.
love yourself, or no one else will...

Fantasy Friday?

wow i can't believe it's thursday already--
and i'm composing this ever so slightly ahead of schedule.
it's like i'm a whole new woman!


i've been waiting for my chance to tell you some things.
some things that i would do to you.
and some things that i would beg you to do to me.
i probably wouldn't need to tell you.
you would know.
your skin on mine would unlock the deepest secrets of how i need to be touched.

sometimes there aren't any words.
but there don't need to be.
sometimes there are only sighs and the sounds of linens sliding over bare skin.
afternoons are made for such things.

what i really need is to be fucked.
hard and fast.
slow and easy?
but not without your heart.
i need all of you to need all of me.
that's what this dance is, n'est ce pas?
so far beyond wanting that i wouldn't even recognize that word.
to take my breath away, but not like that song from top gun.
sharper, more sudden--so it comes out as a sound.
a sound to match the sweat on our bodies.
a sound to wake the neighbors.
a sound to justify--anything and everything.
to feel you with all my senses mismatched...
smell your heart beating,
taste your sadness,
hear your lips on my skin,
see you behind my eyes,
touch your soul with mine.


happy weekend.
it's June!! holy shit!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

good lord

it's been a crazy week.
good, but busy.
and there's no end in sight.
you know...
i used to love being busy.
all i want is some peace and quiet.
and a piece of ass.
not much to ask, i think.
seriously, this is going to be a busy summer.
and i'm excited.
mostly, i look forward to 11 glorious days in Maine.
child free.
a second honeymoon of sorts.
my mom and sister will be here in about 3 weeks,
then the week after they leave my favoritest sister in law will be here.
and they'll be here until it's time for us to go to Maine.
not staying with us the whole time, but it'll be busy.
not to mention the season passes to the water park and the "new" "job".
(yes both of those are finger-quotation denote their fallaciousness...)
why yes, i would like some cheese to go with that whine.
thanks for offering.
i love cheese.
and wine.

okay, time for a funny stoner story.
so there's this guy who was friends with my husband and all his buddies back in the high school/post-high school party days...
and he was a stoner of Spicoli proportions...
so this girl had just had a baby and was getting ready to nurse him.
this dude says, "are you gonna just feed the baby right here?"
she says, "yeah."
he pauses and says, "i like boobs."

and while we're on the subject...
has anyone out there seen "The Hot Chick", starring Rob Schneider?
well...don't admit it!
now i'm embarassed to be seen with you.
it was pretty bad, for the most part.
but, hey, i needed to shorten my life by about 2 hours so, it's fine.
anyway, it's a guy and girl who switch bodies.
this teenage girl is trying to pee standing up, in a man's body for the first time.
she/he's in a public restroom.
another patron enters and commences to pee.
she/he stares.
then tries to immitate.
the pee goes everywhere. ha. ha.
then later she/he runs into the other guy again and they have an argument of some sort.
she (remember in a man's body) shouts, "you think you're so cool cuz you can pee with your penis?"

that's enough for now.
time to go work on that pesky fantasy friday...
wish me fuck.
i mean luck.

and did i mention how much i miss you guys while i'm at work?

it's something i feel silly admitting, but i do.
which is probably why it's best that i AM at work.
perhaps i was becoming a little too dependent.

so in case you're wondering...
i got here at 10 but the girl i get work from is not here.
so that means i won the blog lottery.
well, it means i can spin out a post really quick without feeling like i'm wasting time.
this keyboard is kind of sticky--not like that--the keys themselves sort of stick or something.
oh wait--i think i know someone in the IT department who could hook me up.
if by "know" you realize i mean "am married to" and by "in the IT department" I mean "is the IT department"...then, yeah.
i will have the nicest keyboard on the market within 15 minutes.

so yesterday was a fun day.
i was, as i mentioned, in a ragingly bad mood--for no reason.
but then Becky came over and we went to the gym.
then we did a little shopping--me spending all her money.
(i highly recommend it)
and THEN we got our respective boy treats and took the kids to swim.
there is a new reservoir at the mouth of the canyon...
i will have to take my camera next time.
there are mountains all around and it's just breathtaking.
there is a sandy beach and the water's warmish.
it was nice.
we bbq'ed and sunned and swam.
then i took one of my guys for a walk around the perimeter.
about a third of the way around, i noticed a 3 foot snake lying very still on the embankment--just inches from the concrete sidewalk thing.
have i ever mentioned how intensely afraid of snakes i am?
it used to be so bad that i couldn't even go near the snake house at a zoo, or watch a snake on tv.
but, i forced myself to get over it a bit, because i hate having fears--they end up having too much control over my life.
i'm still really squeamish.
so i stood there, frozen--barely breathing.
then i grabbed my little one and walked slowly down the side of the reservoir.
it sucked.
i just realized this is the second post in two days about snakes.
could this be a subliminal message of some sort??
do i have "snakes" on the brain?

so anyway.
we went home, put the kids to bed and had daquiris.
and beer.
and much craziness ensued.
that is the end of that story--for here.

okay, my work has arrived, it's time for me to go do it.
have a beautiful day filled with delicious food, good music and warm conversations.
and don't forget the hot sex.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

it's a sunshine day!

(but that's the extent of my brady bunch song lyrics knowledge.)

As strange as it was to go to an office and participate in the whole "work" thing...
it was kind of nice to be away from my house.
it was really hard for me to relax enough to write while i was there, though.
oh well. i'll only be there a couple of times a week so it's no biggie.

i'm just really not feeling this.
at all.
if "this" were an amputated limb, i'd feel it more. (phantom pains, y'know?)
i'm all out of words.
i think.

what if, instead of carbon based life forms, we were carbonated life forms?
i think we'd all be a lot happier, but less intelligent...bubbly.

i have allergies, or a cold.
nothing major, but it's bugging me--sore throat, little cough.


maybe i should tell you about the time...
back in college.
when we went to the apartment of the boys with all the snakes.
pythons, boas, even a rattler.
one of the boys looked familiar--a friend of one of my freshman year roommates.
we gave each other the ironic grins and clinked beer bottles.
i was considering him as a possibility for---whatever...
but then he put a tiny snake in his mouth.
AND it pooped.
so, yeah.
that was out.


maybe a better story would be...
like i said, i have nothing.
and only 20 minutes until time to go.
and i still need to shower.
becky's coming to meet me.
we're going to go to the gym, and then to take the kids swimming.

the problem is, i've been in a bitchy mood for weeks.
i keep thinking it's pms or something, but come on!
what the hell is the matter with me???
i may have moved beyond "being in a bitchy mood" straight to "being a bitch".
and maybe that's why i have nothing to write--cuz all i want to do is rant.

perhaps later.

for now, it's off to a busy day which i will attempt to enjoy....
fucking grouch.
i WILL enjoy it.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

hold on to your hats!!!

no, no reason.
i just think it's funny when you do what i say...
and you look kind of funny, groping around on your head like that.
looking for a hat that's not there--or better yet, the look on your face when you touch your bald spot. oops.
forgot about that, didn't you?

so guess where i am--
at a desk, in an office.
it's a pretty desk, too.
now i feel closer to you all...
ew, not like that.
well, okay--exactly like that.
but don't tell.
i can't believe i'm really at work.

and i'm freezing cold.
my fingers are starting to get too stiff to type.
so maybe i'll have to knock off early and get a massage...
just kidding.
i can handle this--as strange as it is.
and it's not like i'm coming every day, all day.
(did i just say 'coming'? well...)
anyway, i'm just being a drama queen.

this may be the lamest post since at least yesterday.
cuz that one sucked.
oh wait, did i even post yesterday??
good lord, what's happening to me?
letting the blog slip is a sure sign of...
something, i just don't know what.
i heard a good joke the other night...
a guy sits down at the bar and orders his drink.
he turns to the woman sitting next to him and asks,
"can i smell your pussy?"
she says, "no!"
he says, "oh, then it must be your feet."

okay, that's enough of my sorry ass for today.
if i think of anything that's either interesting or cruelly funny--
i'll write more later.