Sunday, November 30, 2003

good god will it ever end?

this weekend.

is it fucking monday yet???

how obvious is it that i've had a long and pukey weekend? day 5...

eh. we had fun last night. well, i did.

we had a welcome home party for our best friends and i drank just enough and lost all my money at poker and kicked ass at trivial pursuit and made a boy play pink floyd and zeppelin on his guitar and cooked up some mean jalapeno wontons and yaaaaaaaaaaaay for having best friends back in town.

so that was nice.

but overall, i'm just ready for a FUCKING break. (or a "fucking break", whichever...)

i really want to sell my children.

to a band of gypsies.

for five bucks.

might even throw in my husband.

his son was here all week and he had his cousin sleep over friday and spend the whole day saturday and i they fought a lot and ours cried a lot (you're fucking 7, could you please not cry more than my 3 year olds???) and now hubby's sick so i had to return grommet to mom, who lives about an hour away and i needed gas halfway there and discovered that the one card i had with me is expired so i had to write a check which meant i had to leave the kids in the car (locked the doors and hurried) for the 30 seconds it took to go inside...fuck.

AND there was a stupid accident so i was stuck in one spot for nearly 20 minutes.


and the worst part of the whole day.

i opened the cupboard under the sink to throw some trash in the trash can.

and i saw a little brown mouse run down the side of the can.

it was all in slow motion (not sure if that was because of the fear or the hangover).

and i let out a blood curdling scream.

i'm such a girl.

we live at the edge of our subdivision with only one small street between our house and a farm/its fields. full of mice, and it's winter. you do the math. still grosses me the fuck out.

so it's off to the mouse killing devices store. do they have one of those? i like the certainty of mouse traps: you know you caught the damn thing cuz it's still there, all squished and foul....(shudder). but i think i prefer the more sanitary guessing game of some kind of pellet that makes them wander off somewhere else to die. but i don't know. i want to KNOW it is/they are gone. i'm sure you're all on the edges of your seats, so i'll keep you posted on the mousecapades...


okay, time for something cheerful. um...still thinking. shit.'s about you play a little game of hide and go fuck yourself and i'll have something cheerful for you when you get back? either that or a bag of flaming poo at your front door.

well, that made me smile. hope you felt the cheer. (not the cheerleader, boys, just the cheer.) that reminds me, for some bizarre reason, that i have unconsumed liquore in the fridge. and also, i know how to spell liquor, but for some reaosn i 've suddenly learned how to not type.

must be a sign--au revoir, mes amies.

ah , french. maybe next i'll post in french.

and i'm going to get all crazy on your asses and try that audio blog thingy soon.

i didn't want to look like a boz/malone copy cat, but since the homepage of blogger is pushing it right now, i figure i can say i got the idea there. hey, we'll all know i'm lying, but who gives a shit? it's a don't ask don't tell sort of thing, okay? and did i say i was leaving? what? you bored already or somethin? im' just getting started (only i still can't mother fucking type for some pathetic reason).

okay okay. buy by .( good lord someone help my fingers!!)

Friday, November 28, 2003

feeling better

not so bitchy.

oh, i'm still a bitch.

it's just on the back burner for the moment--ready to spring forth at any moment.

without notice.

fuck yeah.

so anywho. found this cute girl today, who is just getting started. We have a lot in common: she has twins and has good taste in blogs. ; ) in other words, she linked me.

and i wanted to remind you all to go to The Giggle Pitt and buy a book for every child you know. That's my girl, and she's a struggling small business owner. so spend all your money there. or for you kinky folks, you could go here and support her in a more exciting manner...raaawr...

okay, enough shameless plugs. but you know, i figure it this way: i'd rather spend my money with hard working small time individuals who appreciate it than dump it into corporate america and not make a dent.

so there.

and i SWEAR to all the gods of this earth that i will not talk about anything serious again for a really long time.

at least two days.

so now i need to go do the dishes because two of my husband's brothers are coming over to play Risk.

i LOVE risk.

it's not going to be the Lord of the Rings version this time, but it'll still be fun.

also, i suck at it.

anything that requires strategy i might as well just play with my eyes closed.

oh well. it's still fun to move all the pretty little pieces around.


oh yeah, and it's fun to WIN.

like last night.

maybe we'll play strip risk.

you know...the one time i played strip poker it went a little something like this....

the day started with a bet. well, more like a deal: he would let me drive his 77 Camaro if i would drive to the next county to buy him some beer (no beer on sundays down in byu-ville). hell yeah, i said. he was a cook, i was a waitress. he was a beautiful hippie type. i was me. so i drove, like the wind, you might say. anticipation skimming through my veins. I got back just as his shift ended. We tossed the case of bud light in the trunk and headed for the back roads—so I could open er up. As old and semi-junky as that car was, it flew. So we headed back to his place. We were in his room, drinking the beer, playing cards. I suggested strip poker, but when it came time to remove the bra…well, shy girl held a blanket in front of her, so he followed suit. Well, next it was on to a game of truth or dare. He dared me to give him a massage from ankle to ankle…once again shy girl skipped the important part…but would get to it later. After the first kiss. We had some wild sex that night. As soon as it was over we agreed that it meant nothing. Of course, that didn’t stop us from engaging in similar activities on other occasions. And a couple of years later he introduced me to my husband. Needless to say, he didn’t get invited to the wedding.

true story.

i'm a bitch

(also a lover, child and mother, sinner and saint...but those are for another time)

i'm just a huge bitch.

probably as bad as, say--Kyle's Mom.

poor Mr.

he just says the wrong things sometimes and it triggers a little switch and i want to go jump up and down on his neck.

"do we have pancakes?"


"what are the chances that some could be procured?" he sweetly replies...

and that's all it took.

he didn't know i was only upstairs in our room to gather a load of laundry to put it, collect the remote for the downstairs tv so i could pvr a bob the builder for the boys, grab my clothes so i could go get dressed somewhere else because HIS son was in our bed watching tv with him, AND find the discarded (clean) diaper of twin A which he had removed and still return to the downstairs bathroom to finish the q-tipping, deodorizing, moisturizing part of my post shower ritual--which was only interupted by twin A demanding that i fix his diaper.

that's all.

i wasn't busy.

sure i had time to make some fucking pancakes for the ones who got to sleep two hours later than I.

no fucking problem.

why not fresh made crepes with homemade sauces and fillings and fresh squeezed orange juice, possibly an omelette?

it'll just take an hour or so.

i'll get right the fuck on it.

oddly enough, i feel better now.

of course, i already felt like a royal jerkoff for snapping at him.

he's so cuddly sweet.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Gobble gobble

how odd that the term we use to imitate a turkey is the same thing we do all day on the turkey holiday.

and i did.

eat so much it hurt to laugh...which we couldn't stop doing.

it was a great day.

my two oldest nieces are 16 and 18 so we have fun, and my kids were mostly well behaved...

and i won't even gripe about my husband sleeping on the couch pretending to watch football...and when i asked if he wanted some pie he said no. so after we put it all away, in two separate fridges on two separate floors of the house...he decided he was ready for some. grrr. did i say i wouldn't gripe about it? oops.

hope you all had similarly enjoyable days/meals....

i dreamed about a cell phone ad last night.

sad but true.

so...we're considering a venture up the mountains to go skiing next week. The Mr. used to be a really good snowboarder, but he hasn't done it much in the past 5 or 6 he'll probably ski with me. and me...well, i've attempted to ski on two other occassions...i loved it, but last time i nearly killed myself....i lost control and picked up too much speed and ended up hurtling down the hill, arms flying, screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" at the top of my lungs and "i'm going to die"....fortunately i was right under a lift and some kind (but surely laughing) folks instructed me to sit down. which i did, skidding to a stop just inches from a tree (okay, like ten yards, but still). then my niece caught up to me and helped me find my ski which we couldn't figure out how to attatch (how the fuck do you spell that?) my ski back on to my boot. we laughed so hard. but i'm a bit gun shy. maybe i'll take a lesson...

anyway, hope you're all as fat and happy as i am.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

snowing again


so you came for porn and got the weather, did ya?

it's a sick, sad world...

i was so tired last night that i actually fell asleep around 11. that's probably the earliest i've gone to sleep in a year or more. of course, i was then awakened every hour by one of the boys crying. they were sick. all better today, thank the lord. cuz if i had to miss another day at the gym...i'd lose it.

Pink Floyd on the playlist in my head...

so you think you can tell--
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?
do you think you can tell?

did they get you to trade
your heros for ghosts?
hot ashes for trees
hot air for a cool breeze
cold comfort for change?
did you exchange
a walk on part in your war
for a lead role in a cage?

how i wish
how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
what have we found?
the same old fears
wish you were here.

okay, who's up for an early edition of FANTASY FRIDAY???


as i turn off the shower, the doorbell rings.

I wrap a towel around myself and hope it's someone i know.

you're standing there with a big box under your arm, dressed in brown.

(what can brown do for me? i'm asking myself suggestively)

so taken aback by the beauty of you, i forget to warn you that when i open this door a big pile of snow is going to fall on you. stupid house. (god bless it...)

you are startled and swear under your breath.

i fumble an apology and invite you in to dry off.

against the rules, you murmur

but you're all wet...I say. and cold...

your eyes tell me the rules are made to be broken, as you step across the threshhold into my warm kitchen.

there is a moment of awkward silence, and then you say, do you have a towel?

without a word i hand you the one i'm wrapped in.

slowly, you dry your hair, taking in the view.

you drop the towel and step closer.

you should probably throw that shirt in the dryer

i reach up and begin to unbutton your shirt.

the phone rings, startling us both.

i reach over and unplug it.

grabbing your waistband, i pull you to me for a deep, hard kiss.

stepping out of your pants, you lower me gently to the table and show me exactly what brown can do for me.

thank god for table cloths...

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

someone kill me please

just call me angel of the morning?

ha fucking ha.

not me.

call me hitler of the morning.

call me linda blair of the morning.

call me ready to crawl to the couch and hide under a blanket while pacifying my ornery kids with that evil televisoin crap.

the boys have been waking me about two hours earlier over these past couple of weeks, and that's cool. as much as i loathe getting up early, i've sort of been enjoying it. see, i have never made a habit of getting up any sooner than i absolutely had to. like, if i had to be to work at 11am, i'd be up by 10. if i had to be to work at 6am, i'd be up by...well, 6 or, anyway.

the little varmints woke me with a vengeance today. usually it's rather calm and pleasant. today, one of them was whining for me to get him some food NOW (which i can understand--i mean, that's sort of my job here) and when i finally pried myself from the sheets...well, he helped by throwing back the covers, but still, i deserve the credit because there's no way that whimpy little 30 pound, 3 foot tall kid could've dragged me out.....anyway. as i stumbled forward, there is his brother, wrapped in his blanket, laying on the floor by the stairs. he was so cute i actually even smiled... and then HE started whining at me to STAY UPSTAIRS. demanding it, in fact. it was more than my prematurely aroused (he he) senses could handle. system overload!!!!!!!!

so things finally settled down and then the one who is on week two of being potty trained...well, i found him standing in the closet (a walk in closet in their room which holds their toys) smelling far too much like a messy diaper....dammit.

so, i repeat: will someone PLEASE kill me?

i hate morning enough without all that crap...

but at least we all have colds. so that's good.

and on the true bright side: at least there is still pie to have for breakfast. hey, if it's pumpkin that's a great serving of veggies, and the apple counts as fruit.

and DON'T try to tell me otherwise.

i'm not in the mood.

speaking of being in the mood....

I'm going to institute a new feature, due to the success of and fun i had with last saturday's post....

FANTASY FRIDAY--won't that be fun?

oh god. now they're fighting over some plastic snakes and the spin cycle .

time to go hide from the kids......

oh, girls, i found something!

I'm almost too twitterpated to hit the correct keys.

it's my wet dream, in full living color.

Not only is he a librarian, he is a Male Librarian Centerfold.

That's so much juxtaposition it makes me giddy.

I haven't read enough to ascertain his sexual orientation...for the record, i don't care either way--i'm still in LOVE.


time for bed

but first, check out my new sidebar...i have spent the last couple of hours reading through all my old posts to find my favorites, since that's what that stupid section was for in the first place. of course, i forgot to fix it way back when. ha ha.

so go read some of them.

Monday, November 24, 2003

nothing beats pie for breakfast


so our early Thanksgiving was nice. (with my husband's family)

all the food was delicious, got to see a couple of the brothers I haven't seen for a few months. (there are 6 sons)

the youngest made the mistake of engaging the tallest in a philosophical discussion that didn't escalate nearly the way they usually do when old tall boy's involved. damn that guy's stubborn. if you told him the sky was blue, and for some reason he believed it to be green, there would be no changing his mind. he doesn't change his mind. he believes he knows all. but it boosted the level of respect that he has for his youngest brother...who is about to surpass his 6 feet 7 inches and steal that title, but whatever. they're a family of giants, i tell ya.

and of course there was the obligatory being as vulgar as possible in front of their mormon mother part which is my personal favorite. those boys have no respect for her, and as they'll tell you any day of the week, she didn't really earn it when they were younger. it's still really hard to watch. --and even harder to not laugh at the jokes!

and my sister in law's little brother who is here going to college came.

little hottie. but guess what his name is? Jay.

and guess what his last name is? Lowe.

Jay Lowe. heh.

my kids even left me alone and played with the other kids for most of the time....they usually are so far up my ass I can't even sit down. you could say they're mama's boys. just a little.

so there you have it, your typical holiday meal with some fairly run of the mill conflict issues.

thank GOD that's over.


and in other news....

I think my foot is going to fall off.

I stepped on a sliver of glass a couple of days ago and I don't think my husband got it all out.

I hope I don't get gangrene.

or tetanus.

or athlete's foot.

or the gout.

it really hurts. i'm starting to pull muscles in all sorts of strange locations from favoring ankle, my knee--and oddly enough, my ear.

you know what's great about fighting with your husband? (well, not your's husband...)


i'm gonna have to start picking more fights...

and if anyone missed saturday's post, I highly recommend reading it. at least the second half.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

so i'm up to my elbows in pastry...

and i'm in heaven.

haven't had a good, day-long bake fest in a while.

one apple, two pumpkin and one french silk

like i said, betty crocker is my name and taking pictures of boring crap is my game...

they're not very photogenic, but then neither am I, so i can't complain.

so i watched the latest South Park last night.

fucking brilliant.

although it wan't as funny as some, and it was downright creepy.

it was about a mormon kid moving to town and Stone/Parker really know their stuff. i'm pretty sure they grew up here or were mormon or both. after all, they do have utah and mormon themes in two of their films--"Orgazmo" and "Cannibal, the Musical". if you haven't seen those i would highly recomend it.

pardon the crap-assed post.

i'm feeling highly uninspired.

so i guess i'll go inspire myself. later--

Saturday, November 22, 2003

a bright sunny day and not a hangover in sight

And that my friends is why sometimes life is grand.

cosmopolitans it was.

7 or 8 between the two of us

but the bartender was a girl I had french class with in college so we only paid for 4.

B. and I had fun.

i bet her a buck that i wouldn't get carded.

cuz i'm crusty old

but i lost.

that dude knows how to make a girl's day.

called Davey Jones.

he joined us.

we tried to go play pool, but ran into some snags.

so i was thinking about you this morning in the shower.

how if i ever saw you in person i'd slam you against the wall.

i'd be just inches from your face, and i'd watch the reaction in your eyes when you felt my small cool hand slide down the front of your pants.

i'd feel your hot breath, i'd smell your smell...that man smell of cologne, aftershave, deodorant--whatever...

i'd put my other hand behind your head and draw you to my lips.

you'd finally recover from the shock and reach under my skirt.

nothing but skin.

you'd lift me and i'd wrap my legs around you as you whirled around to pin me against the wall for support...

then, as we lay in a sweaty, breathless heap on the floor, you'd say in a ragged, husky voice, "who are you?"

that was for you and i bet you would enjoy it too and you and, okay, anyone with a pulse probably enjoyed that. call me Harlequinn Betty....

Friday, November 21, 2003

i'm speechless

okay, that would never happen.

but i'm really excited!! i'm only 3 hits away from 10,000. i can't believe it!! i know this is a silly thing to be excited about, and considering how long i've been up, it's not even that many hits, but it's a milestone.

and i LOVE milestones.

what should i do to celebrate?

i could post more pictures of myself.

but frankly, i'm getting a bit bored with that already.

not that boredom will stop me from posting 8,000 more pictures of myself from different angles and at different times of day in different rooms wearing different expressions......

so these idiots today at the gym just sat on this one bench talking for at least ten minutes, while all the other plain benches were taken.

damn them.

i gave them dirty looks and coughed and stuff, but to no avail.

you'd think they'd get the point.

i scowled mighty hard.

so finally i got to do my tricep press thingies.

don't know what they're called. but i love em.

and why?

cuz they burn.

i needed a spotter, though.

hubby just went to pick up dinner.

i love it when he does that. i enjoy cooking, but when it's the daily chore--for the rest of my LIFE...sometimes it's nice when i don't have to do it. yummmmmmm.

still snowing

and i had a great workout, was in an oddly cheerful mood, and now i'm all melancholic (and infinitely sad.)

okay, so that cheered me up for a second....little musical reference there that i'm betting no one else will get, but i don't give a flying fuck.

because i'm apathetic too.

or maybe just pathetic.

and i'm smiling again, at that.

shit, what is this random pms day AGAIN?

no thanks, i'll pass.

I might get to go out with a girlfriend tonight and help her drink away her sorrows.--or in my husband's lurid imagination, fuck away her sorrows. he is the king of wishful thinking. i just hope all this snow doesn't impede her plans to drop her kids with her ex husband. cuz i could use a few laughs. and maybe even some drinks. or maybe not. i have a ton to do tomorrow and i don't want to wake up feeling like i rolled home--down a dirt road, naked and coated with honey... huh? but i think you get my point.

want to know why i'm going to be so busy tomorrow?

yeah, i heard you.

but i'm telling you anyway.

my mother in law called yesterday to declare sunday our thanksgiving celebration.


i love making pies, so i volunteered for that.

and she requested homemade rolls as well.


call me betty crocker.

so i'm kind of excited for that, but like i said i don't want to be all hung over and stuff.

hmmm...i am trying to figure out how to post a link to a song, but i'm way too retarded. see, there's a song that goes with the book i wrote for nanowrimo last year. it sort of inspired the opening scene, and the guy in my book is modeled somewhat, after the author/singer of that song. yes, it's a guy i used to date. fairly briefly, right before i came back to stupid utah and met my fantastic husband. so. i saw him when i was home a few months ago. he was even more beautiful than before. god-like, really. breathtaking, heartstopping. and we had a nice chat. a couple of beers. and that was it. but i was so damn nervous i ended up smiling too much and not saying all the right things. oh well. that's the nice thing about being married--it doesn't really matter if a hot guy thinks you're an idiot. also, i've included the link to this site in a couple of emails to him, so it's entirely possible he's reading this. okay, it is more likely that he would show up on my doorstep tomorrow than be reading this, actually, which is why i'm being so candid. if he is, well, hello darlin. hope you meet a girl who appreciates, deserves and worships you...and who is open to sharing custody with me. ha. and if my husband is reading this, well--frankly we should all run for cover if he's reading this.

i love this stuff.

i have had this bottle in my freezer for a year now. we don't drink at home much. also, i drank so much of it last new year's eve (check the archives...what a night) that i haven't wanted to touch it...until now. i poured out the last couple of shots for someone else the other night, and left the empty bottle on top of the's calling to me.

and this is how it looks after a few...

oh and guess what i just discovered?

it's great, but it makes me really mad that i never figured it out before.

see, sometimes i delete large sections as i'm writing, due to my inability to type properly on a laptop (and the inability to overcome my personal laziness and hook up a damn keyboard and mouse....). but if i right click, i am offered the choice to undo. dammmmmmmit.

oh yeah, and i found a great site today. the boo radley complex. it's mostly poetry and this kid is perhaps dabbling in some drug or other, but what the hey? he's good. read november 18th if you're feeling unloved.

it's a winter wonder land

aw, shit. i think i used that title already.

shows how creative i'm not.

anyway, it's snowing cats and dogs or something.

nice fat flakes of fluffy snow. ooh, camera!! be right back.

so has anyone seen 28 Days Later? I watched it the other night. mostly i liked it. i can't help but think it's a futuristic zombie movie in disguise, though.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

nanowrimo is dead

but i'm probably going to buy the shirt anyway.

why? because then i'll remember what a failure i am everytime i wear it.

okay, not really.

actually it's because i love the one from last year and i need cute gym shirts. i'm not a big t-shirt wearer, otherwise. and i don't like wearing old t-shirts to work out, well except when i'm feeling particularly fatti-licious. and i like the idea that it means something...sort of...even if it just means "hey you tried...but not very hard, and failed miserably"

so, since i'm now officially in a "who can post more inane pictures" contest with mr. skim milk (who has no idea there's a contest going, so don't tell him--that way i'll win), I thought i'd post a picture of last year's nanowrimo shirt.

I was actually attempting to get a good picture of my legs because now that i have this toy, i must take a picture of every minute stupid thing in my world and i got some hot new workout pants and i felt the need to document. (that was the worst sentence i've constructed in at least ten minutes.)

perhaps it'll be a sink full of dirty dishes next--you can never guess what exciting event will unfold here, on lisa's photo essays of bored housewifery....that's a frightening thought.

i just want to post a new picture every day because it's so fun!!!!! so...maybe i'll think of a good game to play or story to tell...

or maybe you'll end up with a different picture every day of something in my vast, wide, stimulating world: that's right, something inside my house and/or car.

i wish i could take secret pictures of people at the gym so i could show you the guy that looks like boz and that hot guy and that fat girl who is there every day but still has the chunkiest ass i've seen--and not in a J-Lo kind of way. but in a "tight sweatpants with a stained t-shirt tucked in so you can see each and every curve and--what's up camel toe?-- none of em are good" kind of way.....

i thought of a fun game though.

well, fun might be the wrong word, but whatever.

I take a picture of something from a strange angle and you all get to guess what it is!!!!

nope, not geeky at all.

oh my GOD! i nearly forgot. when i was wrangling my children into the car after the gym i noticed that the car parked across from me had MAINE license plates. i almost turned around and went back to ask the gold's folks if they could page whoever owns the car with the maine plates cuz their lights are on...even though they weren't, but then i could find out who it was!! i mean, i was in the same building as someone whose car is registered in my home state. that is so fucking cool. it's like a celebrity or something.

which reminds me.

when i was 13 i went to my first concert.

i am soooooooooo not telling who it was. (but if you can correctly guess it, i'll give, the finger!!)

anyway, it was an outdoor concert, and i was so frigging twitterpated it's not even funny, and i wanted to convey my joy at being in such close proximity to the little heart throbby boys on stage (yeah, i know i'm giving hints, so here's the finger in advance...).

I couldn't use the "i can't believe i'm in the same room as them!" cliche phrase, because we were outside.

so what did i say?

"I can't believe I'm breathing the same air as them!"

do you think my friends still remember that?

hell yeah.

do you think i've heard it/said it so many times that it doesn't even seem like something out of the ordinary now?

hell yeah.

do you think i'm a loser for loving The New Kids on the Block with the fiery passion of a 30 day chip alcoholic on a wine tasting tour?

hell yeah.

so, submit guesses as to what this is and I'll give you a prize if you're right. what prize? that's right: the finger.

lately a maine accent is imposing itself on my typing skills...

i have an 'r' in my username for blogger and i keep not typing it.

damn that's annoying.

kids woke me at 7:30 this morning.

damn that's annoying.

i miss the good old days (two weeks ago) when they still believed me that climbing out of their cribs was dangerous. see, back then, they would half-wake (briefly) at 7 or so, then go back to sleep for anther hour or two. and so would I. now, it's like, just because they are ABLE to get out of their beds they are compelled to do it. they're no more ready to get up than i am, trust me. grouchy little things.

and the *worst* part is that i can no longer shower in peace. they invade the bathroom like an army of ants at a picnic. they pull open the shower curtain letting in gulps of cold air.

damn that's annoying.

but not as annoying as saying that repeatedly.

I just read a post about songs that most people love but this girl hates, (whose blog i should have been reading all along--why didn't anyone tell me??) and i couldn't help but think of neil diamond. and shudder.

have i told the story before? see, that's when you know your blog is getting some age on it...either that or it means i have no life. ah, bite me. anyway. while i was away at college, my parents let this down-and-out guy from their church stay for "a few months" while he "got his stuff together". right. 6 years later, the guest room was still his home, and getting smellier and filthier by the minute (he didn't shower even one time the whole 6 years. thank GOD he had his own bathroom) my parents were too nice to make him go, but that's another story. he used to blast Neil Diamond on his days off from his graveyard shift at the 7-Eleven. pretty sure i don't need to explain why I convulse every time i hear the opening strains of any of his songs. i see Gary's gray, pock-marked face and his lard colored/covered hair. his yellow bloodshot eyes. oh god. i'm getting light headed...must change subject....

sunshine and rainbows and flowers and the ocean and yummy food and pearl jam.


today the part of stupid girl will be played by boredhousewife...

so i just remembered a couple of the stupidest things i've ever said.

now, i've said a lot of stupid things, in a lot of different situations.


these both fall into the "i mistakenly think i'm smarter than you" category....

1. freshman year, Brigham Young University (Utah) I'm walking across campus with a friend. there are people everywhere, it's that busy time of late morning. the people ahead of us are discussing our new president...bill clinton. one of them mentions that he must be smart because he "went to Cambridge."

are you ready for how smart Lisa thought she was?

in my best "you are a retard and i am god" voice, i say to my friend, "Cambridge is a city, not a university."

one of my best friends was at MIT, so that was the Cambridge i was thinking about...nice excuse, i know.

B. 3 or 4 years later, still have the "i'm better than the rest of you because i'm from the east coast" chip on my a baskin robins, waiting to order. one young ditzy girl says to another, "you're from Louisiana? is that by Texas?" okay, so mostly it just sounded funny, but the first words of derision that flew from my mouth to my friend's ear were "uh, no!" So, girlfriend was right, they ARE close together, but what a strange question.

but in my own defense, that attitude was born of such encounters as, "you're from Maine? is that a state?" and "do they speak english there?" and "wow, that's by canada, isn't it?" and other great classics.

i need therapy.


speaking of i'm obsessed with getting an acurate depiction of myself onto the site. since that first one is not a good picture, due to the excessive use of flash (which was my nickname after an 8th grade french class trip to quebec where i flashed the city from my 15th floor hotel room, in other words no one could have possibly seen from there. but it stuck nonetheless...) uh, anyway. so i i've taken like 463 pictures today, most of which were either blurry or double chinned. dammit.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

"the warm before the storm"


that's what our news fucks have been calling the weather today.

the warm before the storm.


so i took the kids outside to play instead of giving them a nap.

i know! great idea.

hmm, they're tired. should i let them rest or make them expend tons of energy????

i'm a dumbass.

so anyway. they're asleep in front of a movie right now.

i took a bath that turned into a shower. no, wait. i said that backwards.

whatever. it was nice.

so, what are you all doing for the great american turkey feast?

see, here's my dilemma.

in case you hadn't noticed, i hate being the grown up. The one who has to plan stuff, and make it happen and cook all the crap that everyone shovels in without a backward glance, let alone a little appreciation.

oh well. we'll see what happens. so far, no plans, and here's hoping...

have i ever told the story (i think i have, but it was a loooong time ago) about the guy i went to high school with who asked to see my "twins", while indicating that i should lift my shirt?

aaah, red neck small town....

cheese. it was hilarious, though.

good workout today. but i made martha stewart's "perfect brownies" last night for some insanely idiotic reason.

had a little fun with the camera this morning

but not as much fun as i had last night with it...

why do i feel the need to be a huge perv all the time?

oh yeah. cuz THAT'S me.

Here’s the view from my front porch.

god i hate Utah.

but at least it's pretty.

And this is me, right after I got out of the shower—with way too much flash,

but I’m sure I’ll come up with some better ones later. In fact, I’m about to shower again and if the kids actually take a nap maybel I’ll go for another round of “hold the camera out, push the button , turn it around really fast to see it on the fucking LCD before it disappesars so I don’t have to bother with pushing more buttons in order to see if it came out well.” kind of a fun party game, but really the title needs some work. It’s no Trivial Pursuit or Scrabble though.

although to be fair, it is a pursuit which is extremely trivial…

I’ve forced my husband to play scrabble a few nights this week and I have realized I suck at it. I’ve only played it one or two other times before this eek, so aybe I’ll get better. I wi was one 'a' short of Viagra the other day and that was cool.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

i just realized something

going to bed with a kitchen full of dirty dishes gives me the same feeling as going home with a random hot guy.

okay, minus all the great sweaty sex.

but the guilt and self-loathing--exactly the same.

okay, so here's the funniest Jasmine story of all time. (she's my best friend)

we're packing up the car to drive back to maine (from utah) after our sophomore year of college.
Jasmine says, "no, wait--put the magazines here, so i can reach them in case you're asleep."

i'll just let that sink in for a minute.

and yes, it was just the two of us driving.

please don't read while i'm asleep??!

that was a great trip. if you''ve never driven cross country with your best friend--do it. in fact, the first time we were ever confused for lesbians (but certainly not the last) was on that trip. checking into a motel: would you like one bed or two? of course two little innocent 20 year olds from BYU giggled and said "TWO!!" we used to get invited to 3-somes on a regular basis back then too. now it all makes much more sense--two cute innocent girls, hell yeah these guys wanted to fuck us. kind of sorry i lost the "innocent" handle....

which reminds me! something i read a little while back gave me an idea. if there are any guys reading this, listen up: the best way to get a girl to WANT to give you head is this: tell her you don't like it. now, i know this is a gamble because she could think, "phew, now i don't have to do THAT." but let's face it, if that's her attitude we didn't want to date/fuck her anyway, right? so, girls who like giving head, or at least have that eager to please chromosome, will ask, "what? why the hell not??? haven't you ever had gooood head before?" and you'll say, nah, not really...and look all cute and pitiful. she'll swallow you whole. pun intended.


had a great workout today. that father/son duo was back. raawr. i did a leg circuit that leaves me walking like a virgin after her wedding night.

Monday, November 17, 2003

i'm still wondering what happens when good housewives go bad

but only because i think that's such a cool title for a post. in fact, maybe i'll re-name the blog's an excerpt from a poem that i love but could never remember all the words to. god bless the internet. oh yeah, and do you like my disclaimer? heh.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

--Lewis Carroll "The Walrus and the Carpenter"

And I think the next line was supposed to be:

To talk of blogs and bloggers
and all their wisecrack words
and whether they lie or tell the truth
about the lives they live.

hee hee. i'm deep.

anyway, i got all excited today because i thought i found a high school girl whose blog was intelligent and interesting...nope. turns out she teaches high school. well. i was almost there...but at least i found another good blog, bittersweetie.

oh, and another one called bureau of astonishing women. these chicks seem pretty cool...

and don't go away just yet, cuz i found yet another one--catchy little title, almost didn't click the link, but the sicko in me pushed on...the naked and the dead, what the hell?? but it's cool, and so far neither nudity nor death...

also, sometimes i fear that the person who is me is a riddle i alone cannot solve. heeee.

you know, i was thinking...

that's a miracle in itself...

but i digress.

i'm surprised i don't talk about my kids more.

what? you're thinking, you talk about them PLENTY.

well, true.


if you think about my life for a moment (and i wouldn't recomend giving it much more than that or youll need a prozac or 6 to bring you back from the edge...) it IS rather surprising i don't talk about my children incessantly.

i mean, that's all i really have to talk about on a regular basis since i don't leave the house much (my fault, not complaining).

i have no sexist pig boss to talk about, i have no annoying co workers to tell funny things about or to hear funny stories from and in turn be stimulated to think funny things.....that's what i miss most about being in school or working--the stimulation.

oh, my kids stimulate me, alright.

They stimulate my medula oblongata!

(at least that's what makes crocodiles so angry)

god damn.

okay, so the sad part is, i wrote this whole post just to fit in that medula oblongata thing. i'm a huge dork.

but i had fun at the gym today. i did intervals (one minute sprints) with my jogging. LOVE that. it kills me, and i love getting killed at the gym. hmmm....i hope Boz isn't reading this cuz if he's REALLY a serial killer, he might enjoy knowing where i want to die. which reminds me, there's a guy who's usually there the same time as i am who reminds me enough of Boz that i almost went up and asked him if he was in need of any new angels, but i remembered just in time that he doesn't live in Osmondville.

lucky bastard.

all of you.

lucky and smart.

to live in not-Utah

lucky and smart and a little bit sex-ay.

well, not all of you.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

what happens when good housewives go bad?

this. exactly this.

so anyway.

I have had my 2 year old nephew here since wednesday and he's probably the easiest kid in the world to take care of, but i'm going crazy. mostly because i haven't left the house since he arrived. well, except this morning when my friend showed up, needing help to move some furniture. that only took about a half hour. what a disappointment.

so how cute is my husband? he let me sleep until almost eleven today, AND brought me breakfast in bed--an omellette and oj. yes, i'm with you: i wonder what he did wrong??? that's how out of character this was, but so cute.

okay so here's how lame i am.

i am such a losermobile.

everyone ready?

i watched this show today.

on MTV.

called Rich Girls.

I'm so embarassed. but i think i LOVE IT!!! it's the life of tommy hilfiger's daughter and her best friend. they're in high school. they're really clueless about a lot fo things in life, but they really seem like nice girls. yes they're spoiled silly, but they are still as down to earth as possible for kids raised like that. maybe. maybe they're just good at pretending. i don't care.

yee haw.

and now i'm watching some britney spears special.

GOOD GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?????? I really want to know why i'm enjoying this crap. diversion, i guess....

so, the halfway mark of the month has passed. and my novel is nowhere in sight. i guess once was enough for me. i sort of knew, going into it, that i wouldn't end up doing it this year. that's what i get for putting pressure on myself. i don't work well under the kind of pressure where any or all of it comes from outside. just by telling more than one person what i was doing was the death sentence for that unborn novel. i'm a murderer. sniff.

oh well, now that i took my own pressure off, maybe i'll write something. maybe not.

but i'm glad that others have taken this more seriously and i hope they're able to sift through the rubble and find some diamonds when they're finished.

Friday, November 14, 2003


my husband pointed out that in unix there is actually a difference between a file ending .jpg and .JPG who knew? not me. but now that i do, it's working and that particular problem will never--i say NEVER--happen again. oh, and for those of you who are interested in really wretched's the coolest contest ever!

having issues with this new found talent of mine...

that's what i get for getting all cocky about it.

okay so that's not fixing it. grrr. they're there when i follow the link. why can i not get it to show up here??? okay, so i can't link them either. i feel like a complete mormon, i mean moron...har. i'm funnay. this is about as stupid as that time i moved to utah and couldn't figure out how to leave again. i mean good lord, i don't think mommy was lying when she said i was special. well, if you're curious and don't want to wait for me to pull my head out of my ass, you can manually type in the links yourself and take a gander at my lil dumplings. actually, little bear and honey bear if you want to know the truth...(i am pretty damn special aren't i?)

singing opera dancing naked in the rain

i don't know. sounds good, though doesn't it?

i'd forgotten how much better i work at night. i've been working on that stupid book. actually, i've been working on the other stupid book. the one that i love with all my heart. the one from last year's nanowrimo. i haven't read it in a while and it kind of seems foreign, like someone else wrote it. but i still love it. and it needs so much work, so i think i'm going to work on it for a while. if you're interested go here and remember it still needs a lot of work and if you feel like giving me some CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM i'd love it. in other words, stroke my ego and be gentle, but if you have a good idea on how to fix something that sucks, please share it. about a third of the way in, it'll switch from third person narrative to first person...see, i originally wrote it first person, but i decided it would work better 3rd that's been the main device for procrastination since i can't exactly work on progressing the storyline without smoothing out all my pronouns, now can i??

who wants to see how cute my little boys are? who? well, okay, here they are. damn, i hated those couches. they matched the ugly carpet, though so it worked out just about right. why the hell isn't this working?? i guess i do not actually kick ass at this. i'm working on it...oooooh, so if you leave out the colon you get the red x, huh? okay so that's not fixing it. grrr. they're there when i follow the link. why can i not get it to show up here???



i have rather mixed emotions about whether to post my own picture or not. i mean, first of all it's finding a picture (or taking one) that is good...then there's the worry of oh my god what if i'm not as pretty as i think??? heh. right there--that was a tad more confidence than i actually feel, but really why the fuck should i care??? i think i'm taking myself too seriously again. maybe i'll post pictures of random body parts (no, not the good ones) and let you piece it together like a puzzle. a hand here, a knee there...i mean, jeez. i was feeling all photographically creative a couple of months ago right before i found out i couldn't upgrad to blogger pro anymore so i sort of ditched the idea and now the creative spurt has passed. damn fickle muses. god i hate them. i need a new muse, by the way, anyone interested?

Thursday, November 13, 2003

okay, i'm like, totally dying laughing!

i was talking a little while back about feeling old from reading some of these teeny boppers' blogs, some of you may recall....anyway, i was reading a site just now and a girl left a comment and she used the word "wicked" the way we new england folk use it, so i thought, what the hell, i'll check 'er out.

hee hee.

i started reading and was thinking, "dear god, save me from this!"

(yes, it takes the power of the Almighty to remove a web page from my site--it's not like i could hit the back button. which is the same reason i watched the whole paris video. i think He was watching too, cuz when i asked him to close that window, he didn't. damn him.)


so i read on, smiling and shaking my head...then i checked the girl's stats on her side bar.

she's fourteen.

i guess i can forgive her for saying "like" more often than i say "fuck". cute, after all. but still. if i'm glad i'm not 18 anymore, i'm friggin ecstatic that i'm not 14 anymore. freshman in high school. i'm shuddering at the thought...

snowed again. bleck. and i left my car in the driveway. WHYYY do i have a garage if i'm not going to use it when i need it the most??? it's not entirely my fault. well, okay, indirectly it's definitely my fault. in a couple of ways. obviously, i'm the one who left the car in the driveway....but the reason i did that was only sort of my fault. see, the garage door doesn't always open/close. the kids pushed the button so many times that it wore out the motor is it's kind of hit or miss...i am not tall enough to open it manually and keep it open high enough to get the god damn car out. (which is why sometimes i get stuck in there--talk about a wicked pissah!) SO...i'm lazy. we just need to replace the motor, etc, but that's where the problem comes in. The Mr. is into procrastina-shon (cajun man). oh well.

so, glory glory hallelujah (damn, this is a religious post!) twin B spent all of yesterday doing his "business" in the proper, adult fashion. that's right people. he's riding the potty train. of course, twin A is mad as hell and having no part of this bribery to pee thing. B caught on fairly quickly that each time he peed he would get another small toy or candy.

oh, the twin A, twin B reference started with the ultra sound. the one where i thought i'd just be finding out my due date and instead the grinning technician handed me a photo with two little black jelly beans in a gray kidney shaped vessel..."baby A and baby B..." she said pointing to each in turn. I shrieked. with joy, but had i known what lay ahead....nah, just kidding. they're the greatest.

okay, time to go give the kids some of that attention they're always after.....

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

apparently i say "hon" a lot

cuzzzz....twin A now adds that to almost everything he says. "Hon, could i have a drink?" "hon, don't touch that!"

it's a bit unnerving hearing your own words come out of a different mouth.

although, considering my sailor-like could be worse. much worse.

well, yesterday i had this bizarre burst of housewifeliness. I cleaned everything in sight and cooked something rather extraordinary. It was kind of cool. in a novel sort of way.

did i just use the 'n' word? gulp. get off my back.

sometimes i want to write about things on here but i don't.

sometimes i am the happiest girl alive.

sometimes i forget i'm not really a girl anymore (no, not like that, pervs.)

sometimes i am shocked to hear someone call me mommy

sometimes i am bewildered that i ever worried i would be alone.

sometimes i wonder why i didn't finish college

sometimes i wish that i had been born with musical talent, instead of just an obsession with all things musical

sometimes i wonder whatever happened to...

sometimes I lie alone and think about--



Tuesday, November 11, 2003

coming soon.....

a witty, interesting post and pictures of my boobs. or my kids, at least.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I did it!!!

I can't believe it. I uploaded pictures to my husband's server and linked them here--i even scaled them down so they didn't take up the whole page. that kicks ass! no, wait, IIIIIIIII kick ass!!!

Delicate Arch

Landscape Arch

Two of my favorite little arches in Moab (Arches National Park) Utah. and they're not little. delicate arch is probably 2 or 3 stories high, and it's perched on the rim of this enormous rock basin which scares the SHIT out of this little girl. (little fear of falling...) That trip my brother took us on a night hike to that arch, which i had never done (and holy lord i'll never do again, at leat not without a flashlight). so the next day we ended up not hiking actually to the arch again, and the only lookout point is kind of far away, so that's the best picture i got of it.

anyway, that place embodies everything i love about utah.

yes, i said love and utah in the same sentence.

no i'm not drunk. or high.

but i did see THE MATRIX last night. I have to say I enjoyed it immensely. I was pretty disappointed by 2, and of course the first one blew my mind, and this one measured up. definitely. i'd even say it's worth a 15 hour train ride.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

just have time for a quickie....

I feel horrible lately. tired, cranky. maybe i'm dying. that would be cool.

my brain is mush, seriously. I think I'm being poisoned or something. wouldn't that be dramatic?

I was in the shower this morning and i delivered this great little soliloquy--for you all. but it washed down the drain with the soap. i was telling the story of a part of my life. it sounded so good--bathroom acoustics, you know...

ayh. whadda ya gonna do?

i'll tell you what i'm gonna do.

i'm gonna stir it the fuck up.

as my fabulous, first unrequited love, best guy friend of high school, MIT graduate, phD holding hot recently married friend Chris used to remind me through the rough college years:

"I am the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul."( i forget the source. he's the smart one, i'm a dumbass. )

don't forget it, folks.

ah, chris. i spent every waking moment thinking of him through high school. and i didn't even think naughty thoughts. until college. what a waste. anyway, it was one of those stupid things, where the first christmas we were 21 we were all home on break and met up at one of the bars. we were both so drunk and i ended up telling him i'd been in love with him in high school. he put his finger under my chin and smiled, and said, "I know" and then told me how much he loved me too and how unfortunate it had been that we were never single at the same time so we could date. fucker.

anyway. wher was i?

oh yeah, woe is me.

I miss people. I miss Abbey and all of her 8 brothers and sisters and their parents. i miss julie and her MOM. i miss taylor, the way she was in high school--or the way i was in high school. I miss jessica. I miss the chuck wagon crew--the gay cooks and their stern father. I miss most of my old boyfriends. cuz i'm a fucking dumbass. i miss the first one and the last one the most. I miss the peace and quiet of an empty house. i miss my sister. I miss her friend emily. with the enormous tits and the husband who said I am the pretty sister. ME. my whole life i thought it was her.

I miss feeling passionate about everything. I miss not being a whiner. GOD.

How bout that lunar eclipse, eh? it's a beautiful night for it. I watched it for a while.

Do you know what I would have done if it was 5 years ago? I would have sat on the front porch with a bottle of wine and watched the whole thing. I would have been moved by it, I would have been thrilled by it. I would have fucked someone under it. I would have howled at it. I would have.

anyone have a time machine i could borrow for a sec?

or perhaps a shot glass full of cheer the fuck up???

oh yeah, the captain of my soul. pardon the enormous tangents. anyway, i do realize that if i don't like the road i'm on i can change that.

maybe i need to pick up a road map.
maybe i need a compass.
maybe i need a killer mix CD for the trip.

whatever it is, i can do it.
whatever the destination, i can find it.

so, just ignore my moaning and rolling around on the floor.
it'll probably turn from agony to ecstasy any minute...

Friday, November 07, 2003

Nanowrimo Friday

So last night the hubby and I discussed my novel. or the lack thereof. bleck. he is a great companion for an author . he's a reader, and he's a very structural thinker so he has lots of good suggestions that i would never think of....anyway, i'm starting to doubt the wisdom of the story i've started. so there you have it. one week in and I am floundering. but at least i completed it last year, and at least i spread the word so that many other (more talented!!) writers have joined up. Just to name a few:





Not sure if Mr. Hard Artist has officially joined up, and Clay is a new addition, for me at least. some of you may already read him, but if not I suggest you run--don't walk--to his site. well, erm, you know, let your fingers do the walking?? god i'm a dork.

I just realized that the reason the novel thang isn't working is simple: I AM overthinking it, I just need to start over and let it flow. and i'll probably have to go with a cheesy romance cuz that's what's in my soul. fack.

so...twin B did two things today which are worthy of note.
1. he found the only crayon in the house which is not a "washable" crayola and drew large lovely orange circles all over my white walls. (makes me want to scream just thinking about it!!!)
2. he picked all the chocolate chips out of the choc. chip cookie i gave him and ate only those, leaving a crumby mess all over the table and floor. now that's what i call a chocolate purist. Max,Max, Max.

So who else hates getting forwarded crappy stories, poems or warnings which threaten to bring bad luck of you don't forward to this many people, or promise to send you a gift certificate from some company if you forward??? well, i hate them with a fiery passion, matched only by my loathing of the unintentional deletion of an entire post....anyway, if you share my views on this, go here and you'll get a chuckle.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

is it legal to declare random pms days?

I mean, it's not exactly the proper "time", but why does that matter?

I felt the strongest urge to have some fries and a butterfinger shake and lie on the couch watching the Lifetime Movie Network movie I recorded this morning.

good god. what's wrong with me??? the fact that i recorded it to begin with frightens me.

And it stars Andrea from 90210 and Scott frickin Baio!!!! doesn't get any better than that, ma fren.

And i cried at law and order last night. now, THAT is pms, folks. it was really sad, though.

At least i went to the gym today. I moped around and did more speed walking than running, but at least i stayed on the damn treadmill for 50 minutes. which i would never have managed if my beloved VH1 hadn't been airing "I love the 80's Strikes Back" which happens to be my favorite show since "I love the 80's". It's as funny as Mystery Science Theater 3000, and in a similar way, really.

Okay, time to go do some more lying around. Hell, maybe i'll even work on that stupid book today--who knows what could happen? it's topsy turvey day, afterall.

What kind of crack was i smoking last night?

To post THAT??

Oh well.

what's done is done.

So let's move on from here. we can work through it, by god. even if it takes hours and hours of therapy on my couch, kitchen table, or bed.

Here's the Husband quote of the week: as we settled into bed, i snuggled into him, my face in his chest and he said, calmly, "this isn't going to work for me." "why not?" I asked. "because your knees are in my balls."

oh, i see.

that might explain a lot, now that i think of it. if he displays so little passion at the possible anhilation of his manhood, how do i expect him to be thrilled about life in general? perhaps i should expect less of him.

okay, so last night i dreamed about a horror movie. I was in it. it was pretty fucking scary. my friends had all been getting these phone calls with a disguised voiced saying scary things. and in the opening scene of the dream i received my first phone call. the voice wasn't disguised though, which made it even creepier and the voice stopped talking at one point and i just knew that the knock on the door was HER. so I opened it and there she was with a knife. (if any of you watch Alias, she was that allison girl who was pretending to be Sydney's roommate) so we started some very sloppy, un-trained hand to hand combat (not at all like alias--love that show). i stabbed her at one point but she didn't even flinch. then we were down on the grass and another girl was carrying some groceries into her apartment and i was screaming to her to call the police but she just kind of ignored me, or so it seemed--but a few minutes later 3 men with badges showed up. but one of them pulled out his gun and shot the other two--he was on HER side!! So I grabbed his gun but it was empty so i got one away from the dying cop and shot the bad guy and the posessed girl. she appeared to be dead, but she wasn't. i did that whole "end of horror movie relief, relaxation let your guard down" thing and she came after me. by this time a larger group had gathered and someone threw me a wet towel which, when it landed on her sizzled. holy water. sweet. so, i kept laying it on her and her skin melted away little by little as she lay writhing and screaming in agony.

what a nice girl i am. i woke up totally freaked out, and enormously relieved that it was already light out. damn. i better lay off watching The Bachelor just before bed. scary shit.

So....what'd you do this evening?

Am I the only one who had a shaving party?

Thought so.

And maybe it wasn't so much an actual party....I can't see well enough to do it alone, and I'm a little touchy about sharp objects beyond the bikini line so hubby has to do it.

A good time was had by all.

Anyway. I'm sure you were all dying to know that. I don't imagine it bothered any of you men, but for any of the women it gave the creeps to--i sincerely apologize. but I don't believe in the delete key. at least not on purpose. i actually have a rather intense relationship with it on a spur of the moment basis.......damn thing. always stomping in and dashing my hopes and dreams without a backward glance. delete key--I loathe you.

I better go work on that stupid book.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003


in case I'm not the last to know, it appears that the fellows over at Beef Jerky Good are back in action. The new site is a tribute site...or not a tribute site, if you believe everything you read. Anywho. Good to see.

i'm feeling very uninspired today.

maybe it's because i haven't showered yet.

maybe it's because the kids are ornery today.

maybe it's because it's snowy and gray for like the 400th day in a row.

maybe it's because i want to write the great american novel, but don't have the time or focus to do it.

Maybe it's because i skipped the gym, and i'm telling myself that i'll go with the Mr. tonight--but i think we all know that's a crock.

Or it could just be because I haven't done anything wild for a long time. which reminds me. why the FUCK did Jasmine have to take a year off from her stupid phd program this year and leave me all alone out here in adventure land with no partner in crime? I think a best friend should be more important than a boyfriend sometimes. like when it comes to him holding her hostage in maine while i'm being held hostage in utah. not fair. dammmmmit. i have other friends here, but none to hike and ski and bike and climb with. not sure how that happened, since this place is sort of a hotspot for all those activities. maybe that's because i'm a reclusive snobby bitch. or just shy, depending on how you see me.

what is it about getting out of bed

that i hate so much???

Snuggling into the covers and sucking every lost drop of pleasure out of that warm, half-awake state.....mulling over the luscious dreams of the night.....god, i could just stay there for hours. So this morning I had such a lovely dream. There was a boy and a girl, driving in a car. She was nervous--because she liked him a lot--and he was so beautiful. they had discovered a baby tiger several years earlier and he had kept it, then the girl had gone away and now she was back and the boy was telling her all about how the tiger had grown. it was kooky.

ooh, that reminds me. back when i was single my roommates and i went to this little bar in Park City and it was snowing, and warm, and there was a guy i wanted to talk to, but i was feeling shy and my one roommate was being weird because he had some sick twisted crush on me and the other one loved picking up guys for me, zeke. aah, zeke. he was living in that house because he was dating my only girl roommate (there were 5 of us, and what a fantatic house that was, hardwood floors, fireplace, big backyard...). anyway. he walked over to said hottie and introduced himself, talked about bongo drums for a minute (hippie) then introduced me. not very smooth, but it worked. i ended up talking to the guy for a couple of hours. he said he was living in victoria, b.c. and he could speak navajo or cherokee and he had a panther living with him. and now that i think of it, he was tripping on acid so maybe those were figments of his imagination....ahhh the good ole days.

as I was saying...

fuck you backblog

but at least i have comments again.

And, true to my impatient nature, i didn't wait all the way until tomorrow.

and i worked on the stupid book for about ten minutes today. so i posted the changes. dammmmmit. or me.

and, hubby's at the gym again so i should have been working on the stupid book (which is how i think i'll refer to it from now on) but instead i was deciding on and installing a new commenter. as i said, there are so many beautiful ways to procrastinate, i hope to explore them all before month's end. aaaaaaahhhhhhh...............(that was a tranquil sigh, not an anguished cry just to clarify--i'm a motherfucking poet.)

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

stupid comment box

I mean really.

for what i shell out, that thing should work.

oh yeah.

it's free. and as annoyingly trite as it may sound, you do get what you pay for.

it's been down since last night. and i'm beginning to turn rabid from the anger.

oh well. at leat i actually made some progress on my book last night. hubby went to the gym right at bed time, which was perfect. sooo...i am sick of sitting in a wooden kitchen chair to type, so i thought, hey i'll bring one of the "chairs of supreme comfort" down from the office. these are the most luxurious office chairs i've ever seen. yum. well, i should have done it a long time ago, but also, i should have waited for my new lawn boy to start work so he could do the heavy lifting. i mean, holy shit. that chair has to weigh at least 50 pounds. i nearly killed myself and took out the banister on my way down the stairs.

but it was worth it. aaaaaaaaaaahhh.

i'm trying to help my parents book a flight to coordinate with a cruise for the week of thanksgiving. cuz they may be intelligent people, but they were born in the 1930's and that makes it a physiological, psychological, biological, chemical, technological impossibility for them to use the internet. It's true and we all know it. Anyway, it's kind of fun playing travel agent. (i used to do it all the time when i was a kid. although detective agency was waaaay more fun.) So, i'm having no luck getting the flights they need. but i'm going to try extra hard because they've never been on a cruise and that would be the coolest thing EVER for them. although i'm secretly hoping that if they can't get the cruise thing to work maybe they'll come here. sniff. poor me.

Since my commenter isn't working i was thinking of putting my instant message and email info up, but then i realized it doesn't matter. i mean, i love getting comments--that's my favorite part of this whole thing--but I don't imagine anyone else is losing sleep over it. sometimes i'm really laid back. other times i'm as uptight as, well, martha stewart. heh.

so fuck you backblog. If they don't have their issues sorted out by tomorrow I'll have to search for another piece of shit comment system that i can be a cheap ass and not pay for.

Monday, November 03, 2003


i've accomplished so much already.

really, you'd be proud.

*I gutted the guest room (which is a catchall for unfolded laudry, bulk purchases, out of season clothing, and anything we want to hide from the kids...)

* I found some great picture frames the other day...and i have a stack of fantastic black and white i made a gorgeous arrangement and found the perfect spot to hang it.

* I made my famous chicken fajitas

* I made some frighteningly rich and delicious cookies

* I cleaned the downstairs bathroom (I ain't touchin' that upstairs one--hubby uses it, hubby can CLEAN it!!)

* I posted to this stupid site 3 stupid times today

See? So I have a great excuse for not making any progress on my god damn novel.

Last year when i did this I remember reading the forums and everyone was talking about all the creative ways they procrastinated working on their novels everyday and I thought to myself, "why would you procrastinate THIS??" I mean, I am a world class procrastinator, top notch. however, last year i had the fire and I couldn't understand why or how anyone could do ANYTHING else--taking time out for eating was hard enough for me.

Still procrastinating....

Wanna help?

I forgot to write about the wacky dream I had last night. It was sort of about Jack the Ripper. I was sort of in it but also watching it, like a tv show--trying to call the plays. So There was a newlywed-ish couple going to bed, i was sort of the young wifey, i guess. then someone's mother shows up, and the outside me is guessing it's the dream me's mom and the new hubby is going to sleep with the mom. As it unfolds a bit, i discover it's HIS mom so that's not going to happen, but then another young woman shows up (all the women are in those long silk nightgowns with flowing silk robes and blond blond hair). This is the woman who is going to shag the new husband. The mom disappears and the other three go to bed--get in the same bed. then one of the women leaves. i think it's the wife, but i'm no longer her. she runs out into the snowy cold night, upset at the cheating of her new husband. in the morning they find her slashed to shreds, blood soaking the snow all around her. it didn't scare me, which scares me. i don't usually dream violent scary things like that. too much tv before bed, i guess. =)

okay. okay. i'll go write now.

It's a friggin winter wonderland out there!

Well, there's an inch or two of soggy snow and a gray sky, but that's close enough for me.

Enough to inspire me to bundle the twinners in about 25 pounds of winter clothing so we could go tromp around in the slush--eating and throwing it, you know, the usual. I kept busy by making a snowman which the boys took turns knocking over so I had to remake the top two balls 3 times each. damn kids.

And in other news.

I have still not officially started my novel. gulp. But I will. I think I'm doing the exact thing which is the reason nanowrimo is a good idea--i'm overthinking it. i'm worrying about taking it in the right direction and working out all the kinks before even starting. this is NOT right. oh well. boys are napping, housework is done....well, mostly. so I will jump in, feet first, and pound out a couple thousand words. or maybe not feet first, since i am a more conventional typist than Boz and even HE doesn't type with his feet, but I'll jump in. wish me luck. and remind me to post the link. in fact, maybe i'll procrastinate a bit more and plow through some changes to my links list, etc. and add a link for my work in progress. i even already have the blog set up. it's called Work in Progress. ain't that clever? although the actual link for it is abookaboutaboy, since that was my novel last year. not the title, just a good description. yum. i loved that boy, that book. actually i had a huge crush on two of my characters, or three really. I will get around to revising and editing that book someday....perhaps at the blessed arrival of preschool. that's only 10 months away...nine months, three weeks and four days (minus about 5 hours, but who's counting?)

wish me luck. and to you fellow novel-in-a-monthers--i wish you speedy typing and a large chunk of creative genius (or at least a large hunk who is a creative genius)!!

p.s. Thanks Tony; I'm blowing you kisses down I-15.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

not to dwell on this beig old thing...

but good god. did i sign up for a hangover? I don't remember asking for that.

What a circus.

how do I capture the essence of the last 24 hours? um. lots of extra people at my house, in my space. sort of good, but overkill. anxiety causing. stressful. they watched our kids so we could go to this halloween party....

the party was pretty fun, but probably not worth all the chaos.

we learned to play craps. the guy who had the party has a full sized, real craps table in his game room. oh, and when i say "we", i actually just mean my husband. I played the slot machine for a while, then returned to gossiping with the women. One of the men there is a race car driver. so there was a lot of talk about racing and stuff. I used to think i wanted to drive a race car (back when i was young and had a thing for speed. oh wait, i still have a thing for speed.)

And somehow i managed to bring up NaNoWriMowhich, trust me, was not a smooth segue, but I made it happen. ("so, anyone need a refill?" asked an unsuspecting party guest. "No, but I'm writing a book right now.") smoooooooth. Smooth as polished mahogany. Or, rusty barbed wire. whichever. Okay, so it wasn't that bad. but as i gave the plot summary one of the women said. "I did that." (ran away from her family, leaving behind teenaged children). kick me in the gut. "Uh..." stuttered Lisa trying to swim out of the shark invested waters of The Bay of Too Much Intimacy for People I Just Met. she only moved an hour away, but she still had severe guilt and angst, etc. other words, it was a good research moment for my book.

god. it really is all about ME, isn't it? thank you sun, for making an orbit directly around me. thank you stars for shining in my honor. thank you ocean for giving the control of your tides to me. and thank you wind for howling my name.

ooh, that reminds me. there was some talk of hiring hot nannies, and i piped up, "hey as long as i have my own personal pool boy, i don't care what else is going on." we don't have a pool, but i argue the necessity of that. I mean, if the point of a "pool boy" wink wink is to service me and not the pool, then why bother with all the mess and chlorine and insurance problems? I guess he could be a lawn boy. i just like the rich old lady shagging her 20-something hired hand sound of "pool boy". And this is why I'm a dirty old man.