Monday, February 28, 2005

I love endorphins

I feel better than I have in weeks!!!!
god bless gold's gym.
and cake.
no, not the band...
I just love cake.
and I actually prefer cake and frosting somewhat separately.
it's odd, really.
but enough of that.
my workout was fantastic.
I actually felt attractive for the first time in weeks, too.
I might have had my beer goggles on, but I would do me.

There aren't very many sentences that I start without the word "I".

I was totally in the mood to write a post a few minutes ago.
then I did the dishes and started some laundry and settled the kids with a show.
and now the euphoria has passed, just a bit.
don't worry, though.
I'm pretty sure I found my pizzaz...
it was tucked into the sidepocket of my gym bag, with my gloves.
I got off the treadmill, after my warm-up,
and walked over to my bag.
dropped my wedding ring in,
pulled out those gloves--
sparkles started forming in the center of me and pushed their way out.
I fucking rock.
and I roll--
but not for long.
(sorry that was my attempt at a fat joke)
but then I remembered...
a man at the gym, who I can only applaud.
because he was actually at the gym.
if I had seen him at mcdonald's, well...I dunno what I would have had to say about him.
this man was large.
super-sized, even.
he looked like there was a panda bear living in his belly.
I'm not kidding.
his shirt didn't even completely cover the gut.
it was hard not to stare.
in my peripheral vision, I caught sight of a hottie, and all was well.
what do I consider to be a hottie?
I wonder if I've ever specifically mentioned that here...?
I don't believe so.
in case any of you are interested, here it is:
oh, just to clarify, I'm talking purely strangers, here.
men I see in passing, this is what catches my eye.
cuz if I meet a person, it's 90% about the inside, just for the record.
that's what makes a guy hot, in my opinion--
attitude, heart, integrity, intelligence.
ok, so, the guys at the gym that catch my eye are:
not bulked out with muscle.
I think that might be the only ones I don't check out.
I loooove guys who very obviously don't know/think they're hot.
but I'm an equally opportunity gawker.
men are, quite possibly, the greatest form of entertainment ever invented.
I'm just sayin'.

oh, and I am finally NOT sick, NOT injured, and NOT hemoraging.
or something.

be kind, rewind.

The first day of the rest of my--


did you think I was going to say "life"???
come on, now.
I'm not that lame.

I'm looking forward to a drama-free week.
or at least a week where I don't try to die quite so often.
...we'll see.

I remember a time...
somewhere in the foggy past,
when I was witty and/or interesting.
I feel like I've stepped into a black and white film.
everything's in shades of greys, lately.

I worry that I'm going to become Stepford Wife-like.
I don't really belong here.....
not in this Utah world where such high importance is placed on appearances.
I don't belong in a place where every house looks the same.
and I don't belong in a place where every hair must be in place.
I'm probably freaking myself out about nothing.
I can still be me.
It just doesn't feel natural, being here.
Utah is a big fat ball of fake.
It's creepy.
So I should just focus on something else, right?
I will.
I'll focus on the things that are important to me.
It'll be fine.
yes, I've always felt that way about Utah, in case you're wondering.
I have never felt like I belonged here.
It's a good place to be.
and I'm happy.
I just worry that I'll turn into "one of them" if I don't keep a sharp eye out.
that's what I was trying to say.
aren't you glad it took me half a page to make that point???
I'm really losing my edge, here.
I am really--
I forgot to eat breakfast!!
maybe that's why my head feels like a bowl of sand.
I will eat, then go to the gym,
then I'll write something else.

I can't believe it's March tomorrow.

happy last day of february!

Friday, February 25, 2005

Because I am a pathetic loser

with nothing better to do on a Friday night--
I shall write a post.
that was awesome.
No sooner had I tapped out those letters than--
little AIM alert sounds...
hi Dylan.
sweetest kid on the PLANET.
having some brews with a buddy.

sometimes I wish I could spend more time at the computer...
sometimes I wish I would spend less.
doesn't really matter, in the end.

starting Monday, I'm going to have the attitude of a charging bull, when it comes to the gym.
I've been slacking for a few months now, and it's not good.
bathing suit season is way closer than I would like to acknowledge,
and I want to be ready.
I am going to plow through that place.
take no prisoners.
I'm going to kick my own ass.
you heard it here first.

so anyway.
enough of that crap.

I should have something significant to say.
but I don't.
not very surprising, really, just disappointing.
ok, ok, I'll dig deep.
I don't know....
I feel like I've taken a wrong turn, or something.
haven't been writing like i want to, lately.
haven't been dreaming like I want to, either.
what a coincidence.
maybe I should find a forest to run through.
the snapping of twigs underfoot,
the slapping of branches against bare arms,
the smell of moss and ferns,
the dark coolness in mid day summer.

fuck this stupid computer.

I'm going to go sit in my fat leather chair,
with my feet on my phat leather ottoman,
next to the (fat?) fire.
because I got run over by a truck this week,
and fireplace season is almost over.

I've lost my pizazz, that's what it is.
so, if you find it, tell it to get the hell back here before I replace it with permanent ennui.
(which is far less entertaining than The Grand Ennui)

have a happy weekend.
and promise to make out with me at least once.
thank you.

Strike three

well I was right about the third accident of the week being a burn.
too bad it wasn't me.
sweet little one planted his whole hand on the middle of a just-turned-off burner.
It breaks my heart.
and of course, I barely have the energy to take care of myself,
let alone carry him back and forth from the sink to the couch--
he keeps saying he's fine so he wants to go snuggle and watch tv.
I do it, but then he starts crying again and i have to take him back to the sink to put it in cold water.
it's been 2 hours...

I must have pissed off the gods....

Or at least the one in charge of my body.
still feeling shitty-ish, and then--
this morning, I was heading down the stairs with my arms full.
twin B was on the stairs, hiding under a blanket.
(yes i've told them a thousand times that's dangerous)
I went to step around him,
and completely missed the step.
I tumbled down 10 stairs--
head over heels.
and I'm here to revoke that as a term for describing love.
cuz THAT hurt like a mother fucker.
I can't believe this stupid week.
I'll probably burn everything I'm making for the party tomorrow night, too.
Or at least myself, while cooking.
right shoulder
left wrist
left hip
that's where I hurt.
twin B said, "It was Daddy's fault!"
first, this cracked me up because of the whole battered wife excuse "i fell down the stairs", and then I reminded him that daddy was asleep and it took him a minute to even arrive on i lay on the landing crying.
jesus H.
what a stupid god damn week.

someone put me out of my misery, please!!!!!

I think I'll attempt a fantasy, since y'all reeeeallly deserve one after all my whining this week.
it may involve a lot of me lying around in flannel and being waited on, but bear with me.

We had been driving for days. I wasn't even sure if we were going in the right direction anymore. It didn't really matter, because he knew--and he was in charge. I glanced over at him, and got those same old butterflies in my stomach, a smile lighting briefly on my lips. I closed my eyes again, and leaned my head against the cold window. He reached over and settled his hand on my thigh, rubbing lightly with his thumb.
"We're almost there, baby. Just a couple more hours." He was reasuring me, he assumed I was weary, impatient. I was, but only to a small degree--I was content just to be there. With him...
I leaned over and kissed him softly on the neck, then settled back into my seat, back against the door. I wanted to watch him. He look at me with his playful grin, knowing that I was soaking him up in case he disappeared--just as he had done while I lay sleeping, in this car, parked under some trees in the earliest hours of morning. We both grinned like idiots much of the time, but that was just one of the side effects of having found that one thing you've looked for, forever.
He knew that I wouldn't be able to sit still, with him filling my field of vision, for very long. He knew I would need to touch him, to taste him. He scanned the road ahead for a place to pull over, as I slid a hand under his shirt. There was a dirt road leading down through some thick trees, which he almost missed. Squealing to a stop, he roared down it, the bumps making me giggle. We stopped in a cloud of dust, and he dove for me--pinning me against the door, crushing into me. His mouth landed against mine with force, as we tore at each other's clothes. I had one foot in the steering wheel, one braced against the head rest, as he slid into me--and we both knew. We were home.

sorry, not much sex.
time constraints, etc.
time to pick up kidlets.

happy weekend, everyone!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

a post, a post...

I should write a post.
or post a Wright?

Saturday is the surprise party.
today is Thursday and hubby says, urgently, "we need a cake!"
(the surprisee's husband and i have been working vigorously on all the details, by the way.)
me, "Um...she doesn't like cake. She LOVES creme brulee, so I'm making that."
as if I would overlook THAT detail???
although, I have to say, I'm having a hard time dealing with the non-cake birthday idea.
anyway, it was funny.

I was thinking today...
yes, I know that's hazardous.
but don't worry--
it didn't last very long.
I was thinking about knowing people...
when you're first falling in love, how it is easy to be intoxicated,
because you only see little slivers of the person,
and catch glimpses--
and these are so beautiful that your heart races and your cheeks flush.
and I wonder if it's possible to still feel such excitement over someone you know every last inch of.
my husband is always threatening to put up a site "The Bored Housewife--Revealed"
in other words, I'm a boring old lump in real life.
nah, I'm pretty sparkly.
but i burp and fart and have stinky morning breath and bore the hell out of him sometimes--
cuz I can talk the hind leg off a dog.
(what a fucked up expression! who wants the hind leg of a dog??? "hm...if i keep talking, that sucker's bound to just fall right off, then i'll be golden!!" WT the Fuck F is that all about???)
I really can, though.
I'm a talker.
but that's hardly the point.
did I just say "hard"?
yes, I'm a 13 year old boy--
we've COVERED that.
...and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of explaining to my den mother why I'm always late to meetings, so if y'all could quit reading this crap, I could quit writing it.
okay, fine. now you KNOW i'm lying.
I could never quit writing.
it would be like cancelling my subscription to Us magazine.
it would be like...something else.

I keep trying to plan something cool for my husband's birthday, which is a week from tomorrow or the next day or something.
(fuck you--I know what DATE it is, I just forgot which day of the week it falls on this year. shit heads.)
I have a few ideas, but obviously I can't post them here.
I just keep forgetting to act on my ideas.
I need to set reminders, in Outlook.
actually, I tried that once, but it didn't work right.
so I gave up.
yup, I'm a real go-getter.
...why do you think I'm still a housewife???
just kidding.
I wouldn't want anyone else raising my kids.
oh, I know they would do a better job--it's not that.
I just feel it's my right to screw up my kids as much as possible before unleashing them on the world.
6 more months til school--it's crunch time.
nah, they are the most precious little nuglets you'd ever wanna strangle.
I was telling them about their birth the other day.
as I got the part about Oliver not breathing, Max leaned over...
(oh my GAWD it was so sweet!)
and said, "it's ok, mom, i love you anyway."
he sensed the gravity of it, I know he did.
my heart almost burst at his sweet little hug of reassurance.
or was that inferred blame?
that I didn't bring them into the world properly???
aw, shit, now i need therapy.

I have all sorts of cool new readers, and I'd like to take a moment to say hello to them.
but now that i've said that, it would sound silly to just say, "hello."
so i don't think i will.
I could say, "Bonjour, bienvenue."
Or I could just moon you guys.
wow, that's something I have'nt done in a while!!!
somehow, flipping the bird has replaced that ultimate act of sass.
besides the fact that I'm so preoccupied with sex that it would be more of a turn on than an insult.

ok, this post is going nowhere fast.
if i get inspired, i'll fantasize for ya.
if not, i won't.
(how's that for a figurative mooning???)

Well, as it turns out...

I was right.
I feel a little smug--
I was quite broken, after all.
I almost never get sick,
and I didn't think I was all that sick this time.
(yes, i was wrong.)
I've been avoiding saying it, but it was a bladder infection.
not that bad, even.
just annoying.
and then on tuesday my back started hurting--
around the place where my kidneys are,
so I started wondering if it was a kidney infection--
but then that pain had diminished so much by yesterday that I figured it was just pain from moving boxes all day monday.
(12 hours, mostly on my feet.)
no biggie.
so i go to girl's night thingy.
having a great ole time.
aw, fuck.
Didamo's going to kill me!!!
I was supposed to stop by there last night,
but hold on we'll get to that.
so I felt kinda not-great, but not BAD, fer chrissakes.
I was laughing and chatting and then I started feeling cold.
within minutes I was shaking so badly I couldn't roll the dice.
my legs, my arms--
teeth chattering.
my pulse was RACING, my breathing was really fast.
I tried to not make a big deal out of it,
but I knew something was wrong.
everyone was fussing over me, and I was really freaked out by then,
so I did what any little girl does when she has an owie--
I cried.
It was hard to talk through the chattering teeth,
but we decided to go to the emergency room.
let me reiterate, I hardly ever get sick so I'm just not used to this kind of thing.
it was fucking weird, too, because it was so fast.
just before we got there, the chills started to settle down a bit.
and I got all checked in, blah blah blah.
had a fever of 103.
they popped me some tylenol and sent me to wait.
okay, fine--they made me pee in a damn cup, too.
(i tried to spare you...)
my friend, T., earns the coolest friend of the year award for driving me and staying there til my husband arrived.
so anyway.
it was just a fever, induced by the infection.
but it was fucking freaky.
they gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way.
did I mention it was FUCKING FREAKY???
oh, hi, I'm fine and dandy, having a great ole time, and BAAAAAAAAAAAM.
knocked on my ass by a whirlwind fever.

at least now I'll start feeling better.

and at least i found a 24-hour pharcy.
they were having a 50% off sale on most of their makeup,
while I was waiting for the pills, my girl gene took over.
but you know what sucks?
when the valentine's day candy is 50% off, but all that looks good is the easter candy.
MINI cadbury creme eggs--
a new and glorious discovery for me.
oh, and there was an armed guard at the door, and a metal detector.
oxycontin, anyone?
fucking drug addicts.

it's a beautiful day in my neighborhood--
how 'bout yours?

I had a fucking fanastic idea for a book yesterday, too.
I'm glad my fever didn't erase my memory.
sorry, just trying to milk the drama queen thing for as long as I can...

I forgot to mention...
I'm hitchhiking to Hollywood.
I have found the love of my life.
okay, maybe it's just the lethal combination of PMS and American Idol...
that one guy.
who sang that song?
yeah, him.
I was so enraptured that I actually dialed the damn number and voted for him.
and then I realized I was watching the previous night's episode, and I had just voted for some girl who I hadn't even seen yet.
GOD DAMMMMIT, they should be required to put warnings on that thing!!
(yes, I'm a moron.)
so anyway.
if I turn up missing...
look for me outside the american idol studio with a pastel colored sign declaring that what's-his-name rocks my socks off, or some such garbage.

and don't let me forget to take all my drugs.
3 kinds.
one on an empty stomach, one with meals and tylenol.
don't know if that's better with or without food, but whatever.
and then there's my stupid thyroid pill that I'm supposed to take on an empty stomach, too.
(which they neglected to tell me for the first ten years. thanks doc.)
I don't frickin HAVE an empty stomach that many times in a day, people!!!
...on the way to the hospital, I said to T, "I hope it's something that makes me lose weight."
she awarded me with the story of her friend who lost 50 pounds and looks fantastic--
due to stomach cancer.
ok, FINE.
that doesn't sound so fun.

one of the cool things about the night was that after the ER,
hubby took me back to the house where I had left my car and we spent a couple of hours catching up with B and A.
we hardly ever see them anymore, but they rock.

I honestly can't remember if I mentioned it or not,
so if not, there are some pictures of my new house on buzznet.
and, I'm sure i've mentioned this, but I'll say it again:
or something.

don't be jealous.
I spend all day cleaning now.
I want to end this post,
and I keep trying.
but it's not happening.
I couldn't stop talking last night, either.
so I guess I'll hit the publish button and run for the hills.
or you should run for the hills?
something like that.

p.s. thanks for listening to my list of ailments, like we're sittin 'round the old folks home.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I think I'm broken

or at least, I hurt in all sorts of strange places,
and have this general feeling of blech-iness.
yes, that's a technical term, smart ass.
so that's my whine for the day.
anyone need a glass?

sometimes I forget to think about life as a full-length feature film.
I'm so focused on the present, and often the past, that I don't have time to dwell on the future.
this is odd, coming from a dreamer, like me.
my dreams are generally very non-time-specific, though.
they're usually set in "the near future".
blah blah whatever.
the pain is doing the opposite of receding.
I wonder what would happen if a man's hair did the opposite of receding...?
suppose his whole face got taken over, much like his back?
that'd be icky.

There was one named Stryker--
a 20-year old boy, unremarkable except for his glinting gold tooth.
good posture, slightly shaggy hair.
but that name.
how is it possible to carry such a name without being changed by it?
and I say "unremarkable", but.
that's not entirely accurate.
it was probably more a matter of quietness--
which can mean trouble, but in this case it felt more like depth.
who knows, though?

I was thinking the other day--
about the difference between confidence and cockiness.
confidence is quiet and strong.
cockiness is spikey, and fragile.

I feel like ass of dog.
did I mention that already?
yeah, I thought so.
I will attempt to spare you the details,
but trust me when I say my problems are many and varied.
at least that made me chortle.
well, I don't know what chorlting sounds like, but I just did something.
it was sorta kinda like laughing.
but shorter and rougher or something and stuff.

and to make matters worse...
I have my girl's night tomorrow.
and I'm scared.
remember a while back, I mentioned being devastated by the gossip news that a close friend had told another friend of ours some horrible lies about me?
this is that group of girls.
and last month, it felt like everyone was looking at me funny.
which makes me wonder if word has spread.
it feels horrible to be so helpless.
and maybe I'll just bite the damn bullet and talk to her about it, finally.
I fucking hate this.

also, you know you're kind of out of it when the word "massacre" looks like "mascara", and you spend more than 5 seconds thinking about it.
...and open a post back up to add that.

my body hates me.
maybe I'll put it to bed early and go surf for porn.

I think it's going to be one of those posts...

where I have nothing to say--
but for real this time.
I know, I always say that.
I think that sometimes, just saying it opens the floodgates.
but sometimes it doesn't.

the moving went well.
it was long and hard--
(and not in the fun way.)
but it felt good to work.
I had some good tunes, and some good conversation--
it was good.
so that's good.
sorry...I got stuck in a "good" rut.
so mother in law is mostly settled in her new home/my old home.
and can I just say it was beyond trippy to be moving into my old house??
my body kept trying to rebel--
"you should be carrying things OUT of here! what are you doing?!!"
and I imagine our neighbors were all sort of scratching their heads.
good, let 'em.

sometimes I just don't understand life.
I hesitate to say it's not "fair"...
but I suppose that's sort of what I'm getting at.
maybe some things happen the way they do for a reason.
and maybe those things are just flies in the vaseline--
random, and without premeditation.
and maybe I'm just a spoiled brat, who wants everything MY way.
and wants everyone to love me.
and maybe none of this makes sense.
and maybe I should just take a deep breath,
while telling myself it's all ok.
probably I just need to take a step back and let the world spin on its own for a while.
it doesn't need me pushing it, does it?
it'll spin whether I throw my shoulder into it and break a sweat or not.
and that's probably better.
just sit by and feel the wind on my face as the earth follows its orbit.
I don't want to.
I want the earth to ask me which way it should spin--
i want it to whisper in my ear, and acquiece, with a giggle.
I want it to slow down and start spinning backwards,
just for the rush.
and then I want to leap through the snag in the fabric of time and land...
right there.
land, breathless and wind-swept,
rosey-cheeked and laughing.
I would stand up and look around...
hoping to be in the right location,
but more concerned with the date.

I love to sit back sometimes,
and think of all the people in the world.
just going about their respective days,
thinking things, feeling things--
hoping, dreaming, regretting.
hearing bad news, hearing good news.
speaking and thinking in so many different languages,
experiencing so many different types of weather.
and I like to imagine how many of them might have truly good hearts.
how many of them might do more for others than they do for themselves.
I like to picture them as little golden flecks across the map in my mind.
and then I like to picture them all naked.
no, not because i'm giving a speech and it'll make me less nervous.
because I have a one-track mind, in reality.

I plan to have a good day...
you should do the same.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Out of the office

or whatever.
today, the part of the Bored Housewife will be played by...
an empty chair?
today, I will be helping my basket case of a mother-in-law to move.
me and half the state.
there are sure to be a minimum of 3 nervous breakdowns--
and that's just her.
oh well.
should make for a good post, at least.

so, read my last post, and go visit the Spare White Guy,
where I helped answer a sex-related question.
it's a fantastic post--
i was honored to be included.
(that, and it made me horny.)

so have a happy President's Day and I'll see you tommorrow!

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Two posts...on a SATURDAY??

yes, something is truly rotten in the state of Denmark.
...or just my fridge?

finally got our god DAMNED shutters ordered today.
I thought we were going to order blinds, which take 2 weeks to make.
shutters take 6-8.
so much for the neighbors not seeing me naked.
there's no fucking way I'll remember to wear a robe every day for 2 months.
oh well.
anyone want my address?
no, really, you can have it--
just call my husband.
I used to hate emoticons, but I could really use one of those little "rolling on the floor laughing" guys right now.
or, you could just picture me, in my flannel pjs with the stars on them
(as pictured on buzznet somewhere)
flopping around on a cold tile floor.
but I'm not really doing that.
who, I'd like to know, EVER rolls around on the floor???
i laugh a lot.
and i laugh hard.
but I don't pee my pants,
and I don't roll on the floor.
unless i'm in pain from laughing too hard.
that could be it.
i cry sometimes from laughing.
once, I had to pull off the road until the laughing abated.
I can still picture the place--
Rt. 1, just as it curved into Wiscassett,
before the bridge, and the cool, old shipwrecks.
right across the street from the fire station, i think.
about an hour from home, still.
coming home from...?
with T.
good lord, she could make me laugh.

wow, that was quite a meandering little train track of thoughts.
so anyway.

I had the weirdest little vision/pre-dream thing today.
I was drifting off for a little afternoon snooze,
and I had this little scene playing in my head.
now that I reflect, it must have been a dream.
I had figured out a way to stop the Mafia from having power...
it was simple, really.
Just make all small businesses in mafia-afflicted areas trade soley in credits--
no cash.
because, as we all know, mobsters require payment in cash.
and laundering of money is, of course, done with cash.
it was sort of like credit cards, but without the interest and stuff.
it was...
just a way to keep cash out of it.
and then I regained enough consciousness to do a double-take.
to question my motives.
to wonder what in the bloody HELL I was doing thinking about such a thing.
it fucking rocked.
for a minute there, I thought I had reformed a century's worth of NYC corruption.
I have to say, it felt pretty damn good.

a friend came by to check out my new place the other day.
and remarked in horror at the glass shower and two corresponding enormous vanity mirrors.
she found it to be quite a frightening prospect to see herself naked so much.
she's a lovely girl, no reason not to glory in her body, but I think it comes down to being raised Mormon, as was I.
fortunately, i found a power and beauty in my own nudity around the same time I rediscovered sex.
I can still remember the moment.
that motel room--
certainly not a hotel.
stepping out of the bathroom after my shower the next morning.
a winter's sun glaring through the half-drawn curtains...
glancing off my sweet boy's cheek.
he was pretending to sleep--
I later figured out he had used my shower as an opportunity to, uh...
relive the previous night's adventure.
(ok, fine he spanked hank.)
the look in his eyes as I casually walked through the room...
it sunk soundly into me, deeply.
the truth of a man's blurred interpretation of a woman's body.
as women, we focus on each flaw until we see only those.
if we are lucky, we adjust our self-perception and forget the flaws.
instead we bask in our own particular beauties, which are borne from imperfection.
I only see my hair and the sparkle in my eyes, instead of the damage child-bearing has done to me, or the shape of my nose from the side.
I am who I am.
that tall and confused boy was the first to allow me a glimpse of his open lust.
and at 21, the understanding began to dawn--slowly--upon me...
that beauty is most assuredly NOT skin-deep.
beauty starts at the core and emanates,
coursing through us and changing our shells.
...for those with the right eyes.
beauty is still in the eye of the beholder, and some choose to only look at the outer layer.
I prefer using x-ray vision.
and i'd venture to guess most of you reading this feel the same.
or at least those who comment.

I better read back over this and see if it makes any sense...
some people are very careful with what they post--
editing, revising.
and those are GOOD posts.
nah, GREAT posts.
I'm too lazy for such things...
or, more accurately, I do better running from the gut--
running just below conscious thought, spewing from within,
writing at a pace so fast I couldn't "think" about it if I wanted to.
what comes out is part of my soul.
it's kind of gooey, outside the body.
I suppose it doesn't really belong here, but I like to look at it.
I figure, what good's a soul if you can't smell it, taste it, finger paint with it??

I think that if I keep calling myself a writer,
I'll feel comfortable being just a touch crazy.
good writers are wackos.
come on, just admit it.
they're either looney tunes, or addicts and I'm not into substance abuse.
unless that substance is sugar.
so I'll settle for eccentric.
besides, I live in a utah suburb and I have a pierced nose, for god's sake.
I'm 90% weird by local standards, already!

oh, and I watched the best WORST made-for-tv movie tonight.
thanks to tivo, i only wasted a little over an hour on it.
but still.
that guy's piercing blue eyes almost made it worth it.
actually, it was a nice change.
I spend 98% of my leisure time in front of THIS screen.

I'm going now.
if anyone asks, I wasn't here.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Saturday mornings aren't just for hangovers anymore!!

as crazy as that sounds, it's true.
Just ask Becky.
but first, wish her a belated happy birthday.
if I had felt slightly less like a pile of dogshit yesterday,
I might have remembered to post a Happy Birthday thang.
but I did, so I didn't.

and here's how ya know ya got a problem...
if you eat lunch, purely as a rationale to eat dessert--
you might be a fatass.
I DO this!!
can you believe the twisted workings of this simple girl's mind?
I plot, and plan...
carefully, deviously.
what can I eat?
what will have enough protein that I can snarf down half a cake and not slip into a diabetic coma?
I need counseling.
or insulin.
liposuction, at least.

My head is swimming,
but it's also foggy.
I guess that means I'm on the coast...?
well, whatever it means, it's not good.
my step son said "ain't" last night.
he didn't even know it isn't a real word.
and his skank-fest of a mother thinks she's going to be an English teacher?
I've been snorting and rolling my eyes at that one since the day she said it.
but I digress.
I did explain to him that it's not a real word...
and I might have gotten a little colorful in my explanation of what types of people use that word...
"but all the kids at my school say it"
well they're all -------.
I gotta watch myself.
I am not a racist,
or a sexist.
I am not a bigot...
except when it comes to education, I guess.
but I don't think that counts, because it's something that's available to everyone.
race can't be changed,
gender can't be--
oops, i guess it can...
I think I'd rather be a bigamist than a bigot.
although it might get rather exhausting.

holy bizarre tangents, batman.
what the fuck is the matter with me???
maybe I should go back to Saturday morning hangovers??
such cloudy thoughts are harder to screw up.

There are some things in life you just can't change---

and one of those is that Fridays mean Fantasies.
trust me, I've tried.
it's not possible to shake this phenomenon.
I'll sit back, and take a deep breath,
and imagine the one thing I want most--
a nap.
(insert a guffaw, or a snort or something equally derisive)
ok, fine.
I'll broaden my horizons a bit.
I'll tell a story.
I imagine it'll end up full of sex, because, well...
that's just how this lil girl thinks.

(this is the story i was looking for earlier, and it's rather graphic...
be warned.)

I want...
to crawl into your arms right now
to feel your rough hands all over my bare skin
your hands
your neck...
your shoulders
your chest
your belly button

I would like to be a girl in a bar,
just shooting pool,
drinking a beer.
...and to hear...
the rumble of a dozen harleys
in they walk
all tough and dusty
and then.
my breath is knocked clean out of me
like a fist to the gut
you would notice me, too
even though you weren't there to meet a girl
even though i look like the last person who would belong with a gang of
soft skin
curly hair
rosy cheeks
little flowered dress
it's like the world has stopped around us
you walk directly to me,
ignoring the calls of your buddies, who, themselves become distracted with other things and leave you to it.
you pick up a cue and break the balls i had just racked
we play silently
you beat me quickly then.
we start to talk and it's just like this,
just like us
we feel our souls collide
after a few hours of this we walk out to your bike
i wrap around you so tightly you can't breathe
i nestle my face in your neck,
my lips brush your skin,
but i don't dare to kiss you yet--
i want your mouth to be the first place i kiss.
we ride and ride and ride
and when we reach a little cottage on an ocean cliff you stop
we get off the bike and stretch and you take my hand...
such a soft gesture from such a rough man gives me double the chills
i bite my lip to keep from giggling at the beauty of it all
we go inside and you drop my hand, turn to face me
you take my face in your hands and pull me to you--
(as if you needed to)
our lips meet then our tongues and we kiss like teenagers
we kiss long and deep and it's perfect
we begin to discard clothing, slowly,
as the kisses grow you stop to enjoy my breasts--
kissing them,
taking them into your mouth,
swirling your tongue around my hard nipples...
i unbuckle your belt and slide a hand down your pants reaching...
needing my finger tips to brush the hard, hot skin of your cock
and you shudder.
stopping your work on my breasts, you remove your pants the rest of the way
i step back and smile at you
you grin back and reach under my skirt
little cotton thong...
you yank it off and we tumble to a bed
my skirt pushed up, my shirt off we are frantic now
hot kisses
you can smell my readiness, and slide down me...
you bury your face there, licking softly at first,
feeling the juices flow--
the juices you're making my body create.
I lift my hips, and your tongue goes deeply inside
you are ravenous...eating me to fill your hunger.
tasting, licking, kissing.
i arch my back and let out a low moan as you give me my first orgasm of
the night.
you sit up and lick the rest of me off your chin
we giggle
i pull you to me, and tumble you over so that i'm on top
i lower myself onto your achingly-ready cock
loving the feel of it pressing into my still recovering folds,
welcoming you into me i lean low, needing to kiss you
loving the taste of me on your lips,
i bite your neck then sit up,
one hand on your chest the other on mine you smile up at me,
as i slide up--squeezing--and slide down...
grinding into you slowly, but with such rhythm
your hands on my ass, holding tightly,
wanting to make me go faster but you don't...
we're both sweating...moaning
I stop--poised and then start moving faster, and harder
riding you
feeling you inside me, feeling your hardness, loving it
you explode into me, just as i'm letting out a telling wail of my own--
i collpase onto you and we rest for only a moment...

happy weekend, y'all.

another busy day ahead...

I guess that's the way of life, now.
It's good.
just different.
I have a cold, or something.

I was planning to post a fantasy today, and maybe it'll still happen.
I couldn't find it, though, and a dear friend was looking for the other copy of it,
but was unable to find it, either.
don't know if it was even good enough to be worth all that trouble,
so maybe i'll write a new one.

nothing much is inspiring me today, though.
it's gray outside,
sniffly inside,
and suspicious minds abound...

which reminds me--
I was never an Elvis fan, but I have two of his songs on my i(mposter)pod right now.
and it's making me like him.

how is it that the thermostat can be set to the same temperature every day for a week, and I'm perfectly comfortable,
but then one day it's not warm enough?
I guess that's just further proof that I'm an old lady.
oh well.
I don't mind.
Old ladies get away with all sorts of cool things.

last night my husband said to me, "at least they're not in the "why?" stage yet."
I said, "do you LIVE here???"
moments later, my point was proven.
our kids ask more questions than a defense attorney,
dig deeper than a geologist,
and frankly, it's wearing me out.
but in a good way.

back later--

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

happiness is so tenuous...

but one of its qualities is oblivion to this fact.
just an observation.

at least, for me, that's how it works--
if I'm down, I think it'll last forever,
if I'm up, I think it'll last forever.
every once in a while the cobwebs clear and I remember--
slowly, and with an inordinate degree of surprise--
that life is dynamic, ever-changing...
shifting, swaying, swirling...
more beautiful than a sunset over snow-covered mountains,
or a sunrise over a choppy expanse of Atlantic...

I want to sit on a park bench and soak up the rays of the sun,
but mostly the rays of the people passing by.
I want to catch glimpses of emotion flitting over their faces,
and read their gait, their dress.
I want to breathe in and, with the air, suck in their stories--
or my story of them.
it would be my truth, at least.
I love doing that--
I used to think I was psychic, but it's more likely that I have a good imagination.

My world is being shaken like a magic 8 ball...
what question should I ask it?
It doesn't matter...
I will get the answer I want.
I am on top of the world.
...and I plan to only go higher.

my mom works at my old high school,
and today they hooked up a computer and a ham radio--
and talked to an astronaut.
on a space shuttle.
pretty fucking cool.

I sent pictures of my house to my sister today.
only I didn't attach the pictures.
but at least she called me to tell me (politely)
that I am a dumbass.
she was excited that I am going back to school...
and even more excited that I had applied this far ahead of time.
she's great--
I give her far too little "cool" credit.
I always shrug her off as the too-perfect sister.
she is.
but she's also cool.
I guess I just miss her.

want to know what I HATE about America?
it's too big.
the people I love are flung all over this damn slab of earth.
and it's lame.
either that or utah just blows goats. always comes back to THAT, doesn't it?

I did get the kidlets enrolled in a new preschool today,
so that's a relief and a half.
okay, fine, it's two whole reliefs.
(one named max and one named oliver)
oh, i'm so funnnnny.

time to go to bed.
(no, not SLEEP. bed. wink-wink)

I think I am officially an old lady

I kept NODDING OFF last night,
while watching a movie at my friend's house.
I think I even snored a little.
and it was only ten o'clock.

I can't think of anything to write--
everytime I start a thought,
I yawn and forget what I was going to say.
...I'm like a cat, I guess.

there is gentle snow falling,
and it makes me want to stay inside.
by the fire, with a book.
however, I have a long to-do list today,
so I should make this quick...
staring at the screen doesn't do a whole lot for speeding up the process, though.

my head feels like it's full of old flannel shirts.
maybe it is.

this is ridiculous.
i feel like the guy at the podium who just keeps clearing his throat,
opening his mouth,
then checking his notes and clearing his throat again.
Either write something or hit the delete key.
yeah, that's right--I said it.
DELETE something.
It's against my religion, but this dust-filled page calls for drastic measures.
sometimes you gotta break the rules.
not today, though...

today I will dream.
and let my spirit soar.
today I will let go just enough--
and hold on loosely.
today i will reach out--
stretching far beyond my physical boundaries,
and run a thumb over stubble,
rest a hand on a thigh--
look into your eyes.
nestled inside a little dream cloud, suspended in the air above us,
like in a cartoon,
we will talk and laugh.....
I will touch each part of you,
in wonder and awe.
you will pull me to you,
and land that first kiss as our legs slip into a tangle of nearness,
locking our clothed bodies together.
we feel the heat through those thin barriers,
your hands are in my hair, holding my face in place.
my hands roam your back, under your shirt,
searching for the raised ink.
we sigh, and our clothes are gone--
the magic of dreams.
you whisper things that make me smile--
a soft, slow-growing smile that bursts out from the inside.
I breathe into your ear and you shudder with need.
our bodies are acting as one,
and we know that it has always been this way.
your strong arms around me,
my strong legs around you,
our hearts beat in the same rhythm,
and our bodies melt together.
this is a moment of clarity, of truth, of beauty.
it is the moment where the dream becomes reality.

have a great day.
don't forget to floss.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

cuz I feel like posting

sorry I got your hopes up--
it'll never be 7 a day.
I do have the fever.
for the flavor?
for the keyboard.
i've missed this machine.
i've missed the purging relief of tapping into my soul and letting it splash across this screen.
I've missed reading ALL your wonderful, inspiring, handsome blogs.
I've missed...
feeling free to pour myself out.
I've stopped feeling sexy, lately.
I feel...
tired and frumpy and uncomfortable.
the dust will settle soon,
and when it does, i'll be myself again.
i couldn't stop looking at my ass in these pants, just fyi.
so i suppose that's a good thing on the sexiness scale.
I just forgot...for a minute.
to love my outer self.
and i think this came from all the chaos and distractions on the inside.
as if you care.
do you care????
I barely care.
I just can't get enough of hearing myself talk.
(figuratively speaking, smartass)

good news--
I got accepted to the university I applied to.
I didn't think to be worried about it until after I started telling people I'm going there....
simply because I have a huge ego.
i had sort of forgotten that my first semester of college was an abomination.
I literally skipped almost every test for every class,
and since that's what our grades were based on--
SCARE-EE grades.
after that semester I got all A's and B's, but my gpa was in big trouble.
I'm in.
me and my baby boys are going to start school at the same time.
yeeee haaaaaaaaaaw!!!
and just by the by, I'm impressed with their speed--
i submitted an online application january 25th,
mailed transcript requests to two (local) universities that day,
(who both sent the transcripst within days_,
and had my admission posted by February 10th.
roughly 12 business days.
apparently they have really loose admissions policies.
I can't quite believe it yet...
once i get my guys settled into a new preschool i'm going to go to campus and poke around...
maybe meet with an advisor er sumthin'.
I'm going to be fucking THIRTY and a college sophomore/junior.
yeah...i can't remember how many credits i had.
i think i'm almost a junior.
dunnno, though.
I am pretty sure that I'm going to regret this.
I am, hwoever, loopy.
I think I am going to go upstairs,
fold some laundry,
then take a soak in my GIGANTIC bathtub.
while i finish waiting for hubby to get back from a 2 hour round-trip to drop off the babysitter...
oh, and remind me to rant about how his brother went to mexico for the weekend with his wife and they were supposed to come home today, but instead they're flying his mother down with the kids and staying another week--and how this inconvenienced us smack in the middle of our valentine's evening.

remind me to find some local babysitters before the next time we want to go out, for god's sake.

Monday, February 14, 2005

oops i forgot...

i guess i should have done a valentine's day themed post.
but i didn't.
which proves it wasn't on my mind.
but i do have one thought on it:
having a mandatory day for celebrating love is stooopid.
celebrate it when ya got it.
love itself is a celebration--
a wild rollercoaster ride,
a free fall with a faulty parachute,
a smooth glide through a clear lake.
but most of all?
it is its own celebration.
we don't need a day set aside to make people feel bad who want love but don't have it.
we don't need a day set aside to make people miss the one true love that got away.
we don't need to force happy couples to make a big deal out of their happiness all on the same day--
how romantic is it to go to a crowded restaurant with all the other sheep?
how romantic is it to give each other red, heart-shaped (non-pussy) boxes??

I am in love.
I am happy, blessed, fortunate, and I will celebrate that.
...even if it is on the same day as the rest of the world.

(yes, this translate to: hubby's getting an extra romp or two tonight!)
and maybe we'll reinact the sex in the elevator from last year,
or try out a new toy, but mostly, we just will have each other.

happy VD kiddos--

everything zen?

or maybe just another monday.

I am here and you are here and isn't this just cozy?
I've mulled over posting all weekend, and mostly I was just itching for a computer.
the cabin was incredible.
sitting in the hot tub as it snowed,
sitting in the hot tub as the stars sparkled,
sitting in the hot tub in the morning grayness...
drinking (but not too much), playing poker and tetris (on the big screen)
snuggled into log beds,
crepes for breakfast, creme brule for dessert...
fucking great.
I have never driven one before, and the last time I rode I was 5 or 6.
whole new experience for me.
the first 5 minutes i giggled the whole time, slowing down and speeding up.
then i tried to make a sharp turn
hit a tree.
a little one.
going very slowly...
but I still got thrown off the machine,
and my confidence was damaged a bit.
after trailing the pack for almost half the run,
we came to a field with some perfect spots for jumping.
and that's when i found my groove.
i knew i would like catching air,
but i didn't know how much.
It was a fantastic day.
One of the other girls pulled into some trees so she could pee.
I thought I'd join her...
all i managed to do was fill my underwear with snow.
so that was fun.
i never knew what a great workout snowmobiling would be--
it felt great!
so the next day we went to a place where you have a big innertube and you ride this little lift up to the top of a biiiig old hill--
and slide down.
now THAT'S what I call sledding!
It was pretty fun--
after the machines it was kind of an adrenaline let down,
but still very cool.
and the company?
we were the perfect blend of fun-loving, accomadating people.
no one was pushy or whiney or a party pooper--
not that i was expecting that, but it can happen when you get too many people in a confined space.
they were so cool that even when my husband and the other guy were ranting about how much they hate french people,
the dude whose father IS french (as in, grew up there) didn't make a peep.
he's bigger than both of them, too.
and more educated in general
(i won't venture to say 'smarter' cuz they're all very intelligent)
and specifically, more knowledgable about france and the french.
anywho, the other guys felt like asses when I pointed it out, but it was all good.
so yay me.

score for the weekend?
completely fun.
plenty of sex.
great food.

and maybe later on today,
i'll figure out why in the bloody hell i was drreaming about house shopping with nicole kidman.
in the swamplands.
with a real live "Randall" from Monsters Inc.
(which I took as the norm, while in the dream...just figured out what it was, actually.)

so, now i'm back
from outer space
and you better watch out cuz i'm going to start writing 7 posts a day.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Fantasy Friday

early, cuz this is the last time i'll be connected til sunday...

i feel like a wrung-out dish cloth, just for point of reference.
I haven't stopped for a week now, and i don't see an end in sight--
this is a good change, from complete boredom slathered in apathy...
but it numbs the creative portion of my brain.
I will find that place again, I know it.
Until then, I will miss the comfort of this bloggy hiding place,
and crave your cheerful sweetness.

deep breath--
close my eyes, and write........

I wish I could reach out through the murky darkness of space and time...
I wish I would find you there, my fingers lighting on your skin with a shiver.
I would be the cool, refreshing wind on your neck,
the bright blue sky filling your vision.
I would caress away all of your aches, all of your worries...
I would fill a bathtub with rose petals and drown in it with you--
our lips finding skin between such deceptively smooth floweriness.
we would crush those tender petals as our bodies locked together--
our eyes closed, our breath warm--and tickling each other through that maze of skin and fragrance.
I would rock my hips against yours, and we would melt together,
sighing and trembling.
we would have a soft and slow climax...
and then I would lay you out on the bed,
a bottle of warm oil in my hands,
I would stradle your naked back,
and work magic with my hands--
I would work out all the stress in your shoulders,
and up your neck, to the base of your skull--
I would surprise you with the strength of my kneading hands.
you would pass in and out of sleep as I brought your body into alignment with the joy in your heart.
and then, I would snuggle in next to you and doze with you.
sometime in the darkest hours of the night,
I would dream of your tongue on my upper thighs,
of your hands pressing them apart,
I would moan and stretch, spreading my knees in response to your rough face pressing into my slick, shaven pussy...
I would slowly...
realize it wasn't a dream.
and my sleepy-eyed face would glow...
smile dancing on my lips--
i would let you sate yourself with my juices before pulling your face up to mine--
you would oblige me, then, and slide your hardness into place,
rocking me to yet another peak, before rocking me to sleep.....

happy weekend to you all!

don't forget it's valentine's day monday.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I'm just trying to get my balance...

still feeling a little out of focus, ya know?
bear with me for a moment while i sort my thoughts.
I'm exausted.
it's a good kind, but i'm still fucking worn out.
mostly because i'm not used to lugging boxes all day every day.
yes, we hired movers.
we had them leave most of our boxes in the garage so that we could unpack at our leisure (pronounce it leh-jher, cuz it's more fun)...
only problem is, it's not very leisurely to carry boxes in from the garage all day.
i'm whining.
go look at my tits if you don't like it.
also, i thought i was getting checked out today while i was driving home from the old house (where I filled 5 garbage bags and two boxes with TRASH)--
but I wasn't.
it was the fridge magnet alphabet my kids had stuck to the side of my car.
the passenger's side.
i saw it when i buckled the kid on that side, but i was going to remove them after i buckled the other dude.
obviously i forgot.
i also forgot to take my phone with me so that was annoying.
i did, however, get hit on at "the walmart" last night, I believe.
I could be wrong, as it's been nearly a decade, but I got the feeling.
Of course, I couldn't take it too seriously since it was a guy complimenting me on my alcoholic beverage choice--
which just happened to be a low-carb pink colored malt beverage--
smirnoff ice or bacardi silver or something.
on second thought, it takes a man who is very comfortable with his masculinity to admit he drinks pink stuff.
I may be losing my mind...
there was a red Forerunner behind me all the way from utah county to my exit,
and I had this little story going in my head--
all about how he was a contract killer, following me.
but not in a scary way.
i mean, it was a fun little story.
...and THIS is why I think i'm losing my mind.
what is FUN about a contract killer???
I mean, besides bruce willis in the whole nine (and ten) yards?
not much, I tell ya.
but I was imagining that he would pull into my driveway behind me,
and I would get out of the car and smile at him, thinking he was flirting.
he would pull out a gun and my expression would change to reflect this new knowlege.
it was pretty cool, in my head.
but then my guts would get splattered all over the front of my pretty new house,
and we can't have that.
luckily, he took the interchange instead of the offramp, so i got away.
this time.

I was thinking, while i was driving...
something about how i feel empty of words right now.
and so out of sync with this little baby blog of mine.
okay, it's no baby...
it's all grown up, in blog years.

and I reallllly need some help picking out furniture.
we have this fantastic catalog, from a friend of ours who is a distributor,
so we're getting a whole bunch of stuff.
only problem is...
i am realizing i have little to no experience with decorating a house.
i want to order TODAY so it'll be here next week, so i can start inviting people over to show off to see the new place..
but I am balking.
I need to be certain.
yes, I know...
it's a rough life.
Becky accused me of being pampered last night,
and i'm quite offended.
when i have weekly appointments at a day spa,
THEN she can call me pampered.
when I drive something newer than ten years old,
(the trooper)
or NOT a ford (the taurus).
then she can call me pampered.
...for reference, that'll be sometime this summer.

okay, i'm off--like a prom dress!

Is that the Mormon Tabernacle choir in your pants???

or are you just happy to see me?
hey, don't look at me like that--
I heard the hallelujah chorus, ok??
sure, sure.
I don't know how to spell "hallelujah", but who does?
I mean really.
the point is, I heard it--
although it's probably just a sensory misfiring of some kind,
based on the fact that I am so excited to be back in the saddle of cable modem land.
ja miss me?
oh come on, just pretend you did.
to me, it feels like it's been a month.
a happy, wonderful, ecstaticly busy month.

Last night I considered, for a moment, the possibility of retirement.
from blogging.
but then my meds kicked in and I realized that was CrAZy talk.
I couldn't live without this.

I'm sort of exhausted and I can't decide if it's good or bad timing that our snowmobiling weekend is TOMORROW.
...I could really use a few more days to continue unpacking and nesting--
I'm afraid I'll lose focus if I go relax for 3 days...
oh well.
it's going to be great.

so, we've learned through the years,
that mcdonald's frozen french fries come in boxes that are a great size for packing when you move.
so, I called a couple of stores in the area to see if I could pick up their empty boxes.
"do you have any fry boxes i could have?"
"sure, how many do you need?"
"as many as you have."
I showed up and identified myself.
dude goes to the back and comes up carrying ONE box.
I start to wonder if there are more inside it or something...
he puts it on the counter and pulls back the flaps--
"Will this be enough?"
two sleeves of big,red FRY boxes--
Value Meal, anyone?
I guess I should have mentioned I was moving...
those did come in handy for packing my underwear, though.
one pair neatly folded into each box. heh.

here's something i've learned lately:
sarcastic parents = sarcastic kids.
I need to work on that.

also, just another observation:
watching Dodgeball while running on a treadmill is extremely dangerous.
hey, if you can dodge wrenches you can dodge balls!
of course, there's also the irony of it--
globo gym/gold's gym.
I wonder if all those meatheads know Stiller's making fun of THEM.

anyway, I'm glad to be back.
even if it is just in time for me to go away for a long weekend.
I imagine that by next week I'll be back in a more regularly scheduled manner.

and I still feel a little off kilter--
don't have my head in the game, so to speak.

...but have i mentioned how much i love my new house?
it's really weird to be living an hour away from the only home I've had since high school.
an hour isn't far...
but I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the changes.
I've always been very dependent on habits and routines,
so change is hard for me, in that sense.
I'm bursting with joy, so it balances out ok, I guess.
and I'll find a new routine soon.

much to do today.
snuggles and eskimo kisses to you all--

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

almost back...

and have i mentioned...
it seems like every sentence my husband or I spoke over the weekend started with,
"the greatest thing about the new house is--"
and, might i recommend hiring movers.
BIG help, re: stress levels.
it still seems a little odd...
it seems as if it's not really my house, of course.
and it seems empty...
we don't even enough furniture yet.
blah blah.
what i really want to do is write something funny or deep.
but it's hard to do that at the library--
yes, i got desperate.
it's a strange place to write a post.
If you're looking for a fantastic blog to keep you entertained,
I am ecstatic to announce the return of Belle
and if you've never been there, her archives could keep you busy (read: dying of laughter) for a while.
also, i take her return as another of many good omens this week.
for example, from one of the 2 freeways which i could use to reach my new house,
our exit is # 13.
my lucky number!!
not to mention harley dude next door and cool kids across the street who gave us a bottle of wine as a welcome.
...almost feels like i've moved out of utah!
i'll be back soon.
don't forget to thank Chaz for the guest post...
he's a busy man, and it came out beautifully!

smooches gracias--

Monday, February 07, 2005

Missing, Presumed Having A Good Time

Writing a guest post is like walking across a floor littered with light bulbs.

It's a different dynamic than I'm used to, my readers are more accustomed to sporadic bursts of lucidity amongst incoherent babble (turd soup with marshmallow croutons, as momma used to say) than..

..oh wait..

Lemme introduce myself.

I'm Chaz (say “Hi, Chaz!!”).

I'm a nasty, obnoxious, Harley-riding, tattoo-sporting, self-confessed-really-funny-bastard. At least, that's what I wrote on my last parole application.

Anyway. What shall we do with a Monday and a clean sheet..?

Moaning Monday..?

Not likely. Not my bag, baby.

Instead, I wanna talk about you. Yeah, YOU. The 'YOU' Uncle Sam was pointing at from the poster. Which btw, leads me to ask why he now calls himself 'The Colonel' and sells chicken..?

Oh dear, there go a few bulbs...

Tread softly, Chaz-ole-boy.

OK, we'll not talk about that wart on the end of your nose, but about the readership in general. I said to Lisa a while back, that you can get a feel for a blog by its comments. That's not a judgement, nor does a lack of comments indicate anything other than lack of exposure; it's an observation about communities. Like tends to attract like, and often reading the contents of the comment box can give a greater 'overall' feel about the type of blog it is, than the post itself. Posts change from day-to-day, mood-to-mood, the community does not.

Occasionally, you get some daft arse who reads this blog for the first time and makes instant judgement on its writer. Invariably, they're way off the mark; just because somebody chooses to post fantasies, it doesn't mean they're either available or desperate. Like I said, 'daft arse' (no, not you wart nose). Unfortunately for said individual, my views tend to lead me to feel the tiniest bit insulted by said comments. I'm part of the community here, you judge or label it, you are judging or labelling me. Don't blame me for verbally kicking some sense into you.

Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't... frankly, I'd tread on every damn light bulb I could find before I got bothered about people's perceptions of me.

And there it is - guest post or drivel – I'm done, and I'm outta here.


Saturday, February 05, 2005

Friday, February 04, 2005

Quick update

I will be without an internet connection until TUESDAY NIGHT.
they're blaming it on the superbowl, but fuck them.
fuck them for telling us it would be hooked up the day after we called.
oh well.
I'll do an audio post or two, and I've asked Chaz to do a guest post,
to keep my seat warm.

It'll probably be good for me to take a break from my computer for a couple of days...
good like an enema.
good like cough medicine.
good like getting kicked in the nuts.
but that's life, so i'll quit bitching...
for the moment.

hell, knowing my level of addiction,
i'll probably break into someone's house and check comments at some point,
so don't disappoint me!!
...I would hate to have a B&E charge for nothing.

have a great weekend--


well, fuck.
I guess you fellas deserve a fantasy.
(and yes, I believe I've covered the fella=guys or girls, so back off)

things are crazy here, obviously.
but I should be popping in to obsessively check my comments throughout the day.
AND I should only be offline over the weekend.
I'm sure this stresses me out waaaaaaay more than any of you,
but I'll miss YOU, at least.

how taboo is it to hit on the guy selling appliances to you and your husband?
yeah, that's what I thought...
but I reaaaallllly wanted to.
(hey, tattoo guy--throw me over that washer, let's take 'er for a spin.)
a little too much?
yeah, probably.
but in another reality, I coulda pulled it off.
yes, probably the same plane of reality where all it takes is the snap of your fingers to transfer body fat from gut to breasts (and a little to the ass, while you're at it, thanks)...
but still.
it's nice to have lots of alternate realities floating around.
but FUN.
(butt fun?)
I better go to bed before I say something stupid.
too late.

Here's another of my favorites, dearies--

(My July 4th post, with two stories. both autobiographical.)

Ode to a future rock star...

i remember once...
driving through the blackest part of night.
the fog in patches, rendering the headlights useless.
the trees rustling in the slight breeze.
the smell of the ocean--everywhere.
your hand.
on my thigh.
the music--loud.
feeling complete...
and not having yet reached the realization that such feelings don't last.
--that such affairs are not meant to last.
the boy i happened across that summer.
i was ready for an adventure.
and looking for love in ALL the wrong places...

the thing i remember most about that night...
is you.
your skin...
so smooth.
your eyes...full of everything you saw in me.
the way it felt when you kissed me.
the desperate need i had for you to be mine.
...not knowing that you already were.
both of us stumbling through those weeks of stolen moments...
both of us aching for more time together.
knowing that we shouldn't be together at all.
each kiss, each fuck--so rare and precious.
each one presumed to be the last.
feeling like the first.
and more on fire than the sun...

i would build a thousand shrines to you, in my head, between the time i knew you and the time i saw you again.
and you...didn't forget one single moment of that summer.
even that foggy night...
as we headed for the beach.
i was driving, as always.
so soft and rough.
so tender and fierce.
unable to not make music along with the stereo...
the crunch of gravel under my tires.
the ticking of the cooling engine.
stepping into the cool embrace of the fog, hand in hand.
we laid the blanket on the sand.
i shivered.
you smiled and enveloped me, warming me.
your lips...
if ever there was a perfect pair of lips...
covering my neck with kisses, soft breath in my ear.
your hands knew me well by then--the summer was almost over.
my clothes fell away under your slightest movements...
my skin dampened by the misty air.
i smiled as you lowered me to the ground, wondering where your clothes were.
you pushed some curls back from my cheek and whispered three words, as you slid into place.
i caught my breath, then slowly let it out, fingers entwined in your beautiful hair.
i lifted my hips to you and wondered why i didn't return your pledge...
lost in a maze of sighs and skin i stopped wondering and only felt.
the cool fog evaporated around us, from the heat we produced.
rocking grooves into the sand.
grabbing handfuls of it, attempting to brace myself.
pulling you to me as our rhythm grew faster.
needing you more when we had finished than when we began...


that was fun...
but not steamy enough for a fantasy.
who wants more?
i can't hear you...
i said, WHO WANTS MORE???
(yes i'm pretending to be holding a microphone, addressing a large
let's see what i have in my bag of tricks for you truly dirty minded folks.


i awoke with a start.
i couldn't move...?
for a moment i panicked, feeling the ropes around my wrists and ankles.
and a scarf covering my eyes.
then i heard the most familiar voice of all--and smiled.
you're finally awake...good, those snores were beginning to break the mood...
he chuckled, and i felt the mattress sink a bit as he joined me.
i struggled against the silky ropes, playing my part.
he settled between my legs and used his favorite torture device--his mouth.
his hands under my ass, lifting me to him, like a slice of watermelon...licking, sucking...
my moans and breathing gave away any attempt i had made at feigning uncooperativeness.
he pushed me to the edge quickly, then kept me there...
drawing it out...
finally, mercifully giving me release, accompanied by my screams of ecstasy.
as i lay, momentarily spent, he untied the ropes at my feet, covering my body with his, he kissed me.
tasting myself on him, i murmured something about love.
he untied my hands and slipped off the blindfold.
we smiled at each other and i gently pushed on his chest.
he let me knock him over and slide into place.
my little cowgirl, he smiled as he reached up to gently touch a breast...
giddyup, i said, snidely, putting my right leg over his chest, and my left leg settling onto his left side...
his hands holding firmly to my hips
--as if i needed help sliding up and down, the muscles in my thighs rippling.
i was just getting lost in the moment when he sat up, pushing me forward...
my face firmly planted, i was ready for the multiples he can't avoid giving me from there...
my death grip on the edge of the mattress gave me the leverage i needed to push back into him.
time to wake the neighbors...
as my last wail died out, we crumbled in a heap of sweat and heavy breathing,
both of us satisfied and smiling.


i guess i hit both extremes today...
sweet and skanky.
a good pair of book ends, i suppose.
hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend---
happy independence day, america!!

happy moving day, Lisa. ;)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

words drifting past--

just something to cling to in a storm.

now if you could just please, imagine you arelooking into my eyes right now
and i'm taking both your hands in mine
and telling you, solemnly:
there is nothing going on.
then maybe, just maybe...
you'd feel my knee against your inner thigh
and i'd drop your hands and reach for your sweet face

and all i want is to bask in you
bathe in you
swim in you
breathe nothing but you
wear nothing but you

I had a dream--

but then I woke up.
oh, don't be daft, it's not DEEP.
It is literal, ya crazy kids.
the other kinds of dreams?
the hoping and planning and wondering kind?
I'll always have those--
and I refuse to be awakened.

I'm in a state of exhilaration today--
the calm before the storm, perhaps?
something like that.
I spent a couple of hours at the new house yesterday...
just getting the feel for it.
sweeping the (god damned motherfucking ENORMOUS) tile floor.
I really do like the fact that they built it that way--
my kids know how to destroy carpet like nobody's business.
what the FUCK does that stupid saying mean, anyway?
he can do whatever like "nobody's business"?
I'm sorry for using it, and I'll try better in the future.
I was getting myself geared up to clean the whole thing myself,
since the cleaning ladies were not returning my call...
The boss lady called this morning and they'll arrive there on saturday, the same time the movers arrive here.
it should work out about right.
carpet cleaners are supposed to be arriving at the new place at ten,
small snag.
our water isn't turned on yet.
hopefully he feels okay about stealing from a neighbor.
if not, he said he'd come back tomorrow.
and hey, don't give me shit for hiring people to clean my house!
It's not MY dirt.
the previous owners didn't clean it when they moved out, and it's been empty for a few months.
nothing too grimy, but frankly, I loooooove the idea of moving into a pristine home--
something like those guys who want to believe every girl they date was a virgin before she met him.
I love my neighborhood.
I have a neighbor, directly to one side of me, with a Harley.
this is a good omen.
a VERY good omen. good, that when I told my husband about it,
he asked if I had to go have a private moment.'s funny,
i'm pretty vulgar, and i'm comfortable with that.
but for some reason, i don't like speaking of my own masturbation in very clear or nasty terms.
(on the blog)
that's strange.
I wonder what it means?
great--one more thing to add to the list of what to ask a Therapist if I ever get one.
yes, the list is looooooong, in case you're wondering.

I would apologize for rambling about the house stuff again, but...
I guess you guys know me better than that by now.
you know that blog promises are made to be blog broken.

For the record...
I am extremely proud of myself for getting so many balls rolling on such a short timeline.
Of course--I'm not surprised, as ball rolling is something I'm quite skilled at.
(I wish I could find a "dirty old man winking" emoticon to put right there...)
and as I was driving to my doctor's appointment yesterday, and to the new house,
I saw THREE different signs that said, "Welcome to blahblahville!"--my new town!
it made me giggle.
AND I drove past the office where I need to go (after we officially close) to get the water turned on.
yeeeeeee haaaaaaaaw.
everything just felt...right...yesterday.
sun shining, motorcycles whizzing by, thyroid scrip filled, house surveyed.
it's MY house.
the Blind Man!
no...not like that.
I wish I believed in the delete key, at times like this...
I have to call the custom blinds company called The Blind Man.

thank you all for sticking by me through these semi-coherant posts about the hassles of moving...
I glove you all--
and be glad I don't fist you.
ew...that was baaaaad even for me....

Happy whatever-the-fuck-day it is--

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

When you can't think of a title--

don't write one.
(just a little piece of advice from your friendly neighborhood know-it-all)

no house talk today.
just blissful enjoyment of life....
although, i don't suppose ANYTHING with Sesame Street blaring in the background could be considered ANY kind of bliss...
unless you take into account the fact that the kids aren't adding to the noise?
I promised bliss!!
lemme start over...

apparently, making such lofty promises sorta has the affect of shooting me in the knees.
(handicaps me a bit)
so I guess we can toss bliss out the window.
it's fucking cold in here, too.
because the window was open all night.
(no, not related to the bliss bit)
I did have dreams of armageddon, though, so that was fun--
and my husband's shower-induced Turrett's syndrome was particularly loud today--
have I mentioned that before?
he doesn't sing in the shower.
he curses violently--
often at people in the distant past.
he claims it's good therapy.
it completely cracks me up.

busy day ahead...

serious focus problem right now.
maybe I'll do a little exercise...
wednesday, eh?
it's wednesday.
oh fuck!
I know I said no house stuff, but I'm beginning to think moving this weekend isn't a possibility.
new house: cleaning ladies, carpet cleaner, new appliances delivered.
old house: moving company.
how much do you guys want to bet that I can't coordinate all of those activities to be completed (in proper order, smart asses) by saturday?

well, so much for that little exercise...
it was supposed to clear my head, so that I could be witty or charming--
or at least some sort of entertaining RANT would be good.
but can I perform?
hell no.
I'm like one of the American Idol bloopers today.
anyone catch the Mime who auditioned???
fucking nutjob.

I think this makes two days in a row I've mentioned TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
if this isn't a sign that I'm under a lot of stress,
then I don't know what is!!!
...and here's another sign:
after typing 3 lines, I stare off and fret about what I have to do today for ten minutes before writing some more.

roses are red,
violets are blue--
this post sucks,
and so do you.
(I bet you don't even swallow, ya big jerk.)
oh great, now I'm lost in thought again...

okay, enough of this dreadful rubbish of a post.
I'll go get started on my hefty to-do list--
care to join me in the shower, anyone?
(I'll warn you, if current behavior is any indicator, I'll probably stop halfway through a blowjob and start jotting stuff on my list...)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Is there a mute button on my kids?

are you sure?
I mean...there HAS to be!!!!
they don't stop.
they just plain don't stop talking.
if it's not one, it's the other--
or, quite often, BOTH.
I'm starting to realize this lately.
and it exhausts me.
but at least they're entertaining.
and not couch potatoes.

I had a reason for writing a post, and this was not it.

okay, I just distracted them with The Koala Brothers...
it was either that or valium.
(for me or them?? dunno. don't have any.)
I do talk about it a lot, though, don't I?
it's like I have this fixation...
nah, it's just my favorite stereotype--
at least I'm not like that one chick who used to be on Sports Night,
on Desperate Housewives, who was addicted to her kid's ADD medication.
THAT, my friends, is a fucking awesome show.
I'll make no excuses, nor feel any shame.

so anyway.
new house = ours
old house = ours (to rent)
moving day = Saturday...maybe.
I have 812 phone calls to make today.
and, if I have time, I'm supposed to start packing non-essentials.
so here comes the fun part!!
I'll probably be sparse this week, which won't be fun for me,
and if we don't get our internet hooked up at the new house in a timely fashion, I may resort to violence.
oooh--audio posts!
don't let me forget about audio posts.
if i am internet-less, i can still audio post.

I am going to lose my mind if the kids don't remember that our house is bigger than the 2 square feet surrounding me.
they're like wild animals--they sense my stress levels are elevated.
so they swarm.

I think, based on all this, that I will have a really fantastic workout today.

just for the record--
I'M TOTALLY FUCKING EXCITED about my new house!!!!
I love it.
it's pretty.
it's big.
it's not as saturated by mormon neighbors.
(yes, this one was mine, too...i just didn't like it that much)
and it's a good thing this all is happening right now,
because the way my stress levels were going,
I was teetering on the edge of a monster shopping spree
(which would have felt so damn good, by the way)
as a way to deal.
better than eating, right?
I'm such a loser.

let's repeat this together--
I am tough, and independent and in control.
call me Mistress Lisa, dammit!
on your knees!
please bear with me...
the next week or so may be rather painful--
I will try to lower my stress by having lots of sex,
and maybe I'll even write about it.
(and when I say "try", I mean, I'll try to find the energy)

maybe I'll find some guest posters to keep my seat warm--
but, knowing me, i'll have so much to say that i'll figure out a way to say it whether I have time or not...
I'll bore you all to tears, too--
so at least there's THAT to look forward to...
a good cry feels good, COME ON!!
work with me, kids.

crazy mary, out.