cackle cackle

Being a witch for haloween is so easy. just show up.

So, anyway. this weather sucks. i was rather enjoying the 70 degree days earlier this week. snow sucks. It makes me want to stay inside, all snuggled up in blankets and slippers with hot chocolate--or a hot toddie. yum. It does not make me want to wrangle the kids into their clothes and into the car to go to the gym. where has my motivation gone???

In my blog explorations i have come to a realization lately. And that is: I am old. I have read some blogs of girls 18-22ish and I am aghast at how silly they sound....for lack of a better term, they remind me of valley girls, from back in the 80's, you know? I don't know. Maybe I sound just as childish and air headed. Or maybe I'm jealous of their youth and freedom....nah. I mean, I'm definitely jealous of freedom and i'm jealous of youth only as a means to erase signs of childbearing. Other than the physical changes, i wouldn't go back. No way. I've finally reached a point where I'm starting to, I don't know...get it. yeah. In the past couple of years i've grown to realize that 90% of the stuff i worried about--obsessed about--when i was a teenager was absolutely pointless. The world looks different to me now than it did back then. It's all mine. only I'm trapped behind the prison bars disguised as a white picket fence. wow, i actually had a lump in my throat when i wrote that. either i'm about to puke (a definite possibilty since i chased a breakfast burrito with halloween candy) or that was a really emotional thing for me to admit. that was cool--i've never had a real live lump in my throat. okay, now i'm sounding like those girlie girls.

well, have a trick-filled day everyone.

why do i tempt fate??

I mean seriously.

You would think I would learn my lesson--that bragging always leads to getting bitten in the ass.

You may recall i claimed to have a perfect life.

not twenty minutes after i posted that, i was stuck in my garage.

then it started to snow.

then one of my sons puked.

then i got into a fight with my husband.

lord almighty. i think i'll try to trick fate...reverse psychology, you know?

so anyway. He got a $310 speeding ticket on our way to the airport a couple of weeks ago. he he. okay, it sucks, but at least it's something concrete i can bring up during fights to throw in his face in a really mature manner. oh, i'm kidding. i wouldn't do that. well, i haven't yet, at least. but i'll keep it in mind.

hmmm...i'm feeling chatty, but what to say?

Watched half of The Way We Were the other day. G-O-D. I always cry for the entire last 20 minutes of that movie. so wrenching. and hot damn that Mr. Redford was a smooth character.

So, Kat's been talking about scary times from childhood, etc this week and it has me thinking. I used to be the biggest scaredy cat in the world. In fact, the night i watched Seven I slept with the light on........hey, i was living at my brother's house at the time, and my room was in a half-finshed basement, far away from everyone else (which came in rather handy for seducing young missionaries-to-be, but that's another story). I guess the moral of that story (the scary movie one, not the seduction one, cuz, let's get real--no morals were present there, m'kay?) is that i should never go straight to bed after watching disturbing, scary or weird movies. I had these weird rituals when i was a child, too. sleep with the door open, the hall light on, closet door open and definitely (i'm with kat all the way here!) keep all arms and legs INSIDE the vehicle, er bed. my fears were never of monsters, either. cuz, i'm smarter than that. duh. it's just that watching Poltergist at a young age (7-ish) made quite an impression on me. it was all about the supernatural. i'm finally over that--don't believe in ghosts, etc.

HOWEVER.

i made the mistake of reading Dean Koontz's Intensity. holy fuck. if you want to be scared out of your bobby socks, read that. of course, it was so realistic that i believed that man was in my home for months after reading it....and my new fear, that i invented all on my own, is that some night i'll get home from a night out with the girls or whatever, and climb into bed, snuggle up to the man in my bed--only to find it's not my husband, it's the man who has already killed him and is waiting for me. I know. I know. curse this imagination of mine. curse it. (except when it's being used to construct wild sexual fantasies...)

moldy jack o lantern

Already. we carved one about ten days ago, and it got knocked of the table and broke into several pieces...so we carved another one about 4 days ago. FOUR DAYS. And this morning, the eyes and mouth are all filled in with this fuzzy white mold. and the lid is stuck to the pumpkin with black and gray mold. weird. four days??? oh well. hopefully if i leave it on the front steps our hellion neighbor boy will smash it. or, hell, maybe i will because i love smashing pumpkins. or at least THE Smashing Pumpkins. heh. yes, i've been waiting all month to make that joke. and it was worth it.

Want to hear a funny story about Karl Malone? okay, it's not that funny and mostly it's about Kevynn Malone. In my haste to write for the THIRD time the post last night, i only wrote K. Malone instead of Karl (cuz those two keystrokes woulda killed me??) anyway, it reminded me of this....See, one day last winter/spring-ish I was reading Tony Pierce's site and he mentioned something about Karl Malone, and in the comments box there was a comment from Kevynn Malone. do you notcie the similarities??? soooo...curious george that I am, i had to check the link and see if this person was related to the Mailman (even though common sense told me it was unlikely). and i was, as you may well know, pleasantly surprised. i did not find some illegitmate child of a basketball player, raving about the injustices of being raised without the luxuries and influence of a superstar father. no, no, I found a spot of writing like a cashmere sweater.

Okay, enough ass kissing.

So, some kids movies are pretty funny these days, and some are still entirely for kids. my boys are hooked on one lately that's pretty much alllll for the kids--stuart little 2. it's cute. fine, whatever. of course, having it playing 3-5 times a day is rather brutal. there is ONE funny line, though. one line that makes me chuckle every time i hear it (that would be 58 times now...). As they fade into a scene of stuart in class, his teacher is saying, "And the reason that Canada is separate from America is that Canadians--like to be alone." and the way she says it is extra funny. oh god. someone help me.

It's a sad sad sad sad world.

One more pesky reminder that National Novel Writing Month commences on Saturday, November 1st. You will have 30 days to write 50,000 words. DO IT.

see, it's almost noon. time to get dressed and head to the gym. seriously, as much as i complain about boredom....i FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE. who else gets to sleep until 9 or 10, and never has to be anywhere at any certain time?? i have the easiest life on the planet. yes, sometimes i think i'll pull out all my hair from the sheer monotony of it. sure, sometimes i nearly go into convulsions from lack of adult conversation. and i'll definitely admit that sometimes i would rather eat glass than do one more load of laundry or scrub one more toilet. but, it's all worth it. well, that's how i feel today. of course, i usually change my opinion on a daily--if not hourly--basis so don't take me too seriously.

got down sat on a bench

i am so sick of this stupid fucking computer. i just deleted a whole post. twice. cuz i'm a moron. not a mormon. anymore.

to recap: the mr.'s watching b-ball. i'm multitasking. jazz are winning, weird to see K. Malone on Lakers, Lebron James rocks, and some other drivle.

that makes me so angry. i hate writing stuff, even if it's pure crap, and losing it.

time to watch That 70's Show from tivo. woo hoo!!!!

oh yeah

i cut my hair a few days ago. and i mean that literally--I cut it. not, i got a haircut, but i grabbed a pair of scissors and started hacking. i'm such a dumbass. it worked out fine this time--looks fantastic, actually--but i completely forgot that i meant to grow it out this time. I took off a good 3 or 4 inches, too. dumbass. i love my hair, though. well, when i don't hate it, at least. each little curl is endearing to me. i love my curlies. (not my "short n' curlies"--those suckers are kept at bay quite nicely by a bottle of nair...) anywho. WHY did i cut my hair??? it grows faster than grass, so it's not a big deal, i think i'm just annoyed that i made a plan and promptly forgot it. oh well. at least it looks good.

i can't wait for halloween. it's my favorite excuse for dressing like a slut and getting away with it. we're going to a party, so that should be fun.

had a great workout today, by the way. i have been getting so bored with running lately, but today i didn't. of course, it helped that i started watching some lame-o soap opera--that helps pass the time really great. some guy died and everyone was really sad. i love soaps. you know why? cuz they're so insanely dramatic and the plot twists they come up with are predictably unrealistic. people die and come back to life so often it's laffable. and as soon as the pining away couple is united everything falls apart--whether the girl is pregnant from a former lover, or the guy gets killed or has a fatal disease (which is inevitably cured by some bizarre kind of hair transplant surgery or something because no one on soaps ever dies of a disease--too boring) or they find out they're actually brother and sister.....anyway, it's ridiculous. I could write for one of those shows in my sleep. lame.

where to start?

well, first of all, sometimes i forget that what i see on the news is real...since nothing else on tv is anywhere close to reality--especially reality tv--it's easy to do. of course, when i was at the gym this morning (ha! who am i kidding? noon.) i was watching the news and i realized how horrifying it would actually be to have a massive wall of flames marching steadily toward my HOUSE. i shouldn't have joked about it in the first place. also, my next completely irreverent thought was: man those insurance companies must be freaking out. good. fuckers.

AND i got locked out of my house a few mintues ago and that was stupid. i took my kids out to get the mail and one of them locked the door and closed it behind us. good thing it wasn't snowing. good thing it wasn't cold as hell. good thing it wasn't hot as hell. but most of all, good thing one of our windows doesn't lock, or have a screen so it was easy as fucking pie to get in (warm apple pie, perhaps??). so that's nice. hopefully the neighbor's hellion kids didn't see how easy it was, since their bedroom windows are about 3 feet away from the window i climbed through. cuz...we have a lot of stealable stuff...funny thing is i looked out my kitchen window this morning (again, who am i kidding, it was noon-ish) and saw two little juvenile delinquents climbing through one of their windows. they saw me seeing them and got a little panicked. it was sweet. too bad they're not a little older.

which reminds me. i'm such a pathetic attention whore. there's the cutest little fat kid who works at my gym--washing mirrors and re-racking weights for all the lazy fuckers, etc. Anyway, he sort of follows me around and it's really cute. he'll polish the treadmill next to mine for a full ten minutes, or go orgainize the rack of weights right next to where i'm doing a bench press or curls or whatever. the point is, i love it. and i am ashamed of this. but only a little. attention is great.

what the hell else was i so excited to write about???

there was something, i just know it.

i am soooooo excited to find out which Bozzie I have won!!!

and just wanted to give a shout out to Jim over at Trudy's revenge. but only because it's really funny to think of ME actually saying "give a shout out". i mean GOD. I'm as honky as honky gets and old and just not anywhere near hip enough to say that. but it reads well, doesn't it? anyway, looks like a first post, but i have a feeling there are good things in store. I mean, after all, he has good taste in blogs. ahem.

just a reminder

to anyone who is even remotely interested in writing a novel: Saturday is the start date for National Novel Writing Month. come join the fun and try your hand at writing the great american novel with me, nedra, boz, best friend, and countless others!!

if i have to tell my kids to leave the blinds alone one more time.

seriously. i'm going to lose it.

we have fires too

okay, so they're on the back side of an uninhabited mountain. but still.

damn california.

they get all the attention.

that plume of smoke slicing through a bank of clouds at sunset over the mountains looked pretty badass, though. i found myself wishing I had my camera.

I have no life. None. I have nothing to write about because nothing ever happens. oh, i did the dishes today. it was so crazy, i mean, they were just taunting me, you know? so i had to fuck em up. And then I went to Walmart. let me just tell you--that was a wild ride. I mean, I was cruising that baking aisle llike a horny businessman on hooker row and i didn't stop until i had it all. And when I got to the soap aisle--i was kicking ass and taking names. Those damn detergents don't know when to keep their snotty little mouths shut.

that's my life.

aren't you jealous?

fu-uck.

i smell sex and candy

well, candy at least.

i think we're going to eat the entire stash of for-trick-or-treaters candy before the big day. damn i hate being a glutonous pig.

I wish I had an eggnog recipe for IA, because then i'd have an eggnog recipe. My dad used to make it when i was a kid and I L-O-V-E loved it. I've never been able to reproduce the taste I remember, though....perhaps that is symbolic of the futility of reclaiming the happiness of childhood. gone are the nectar sweet moments of innocence and trust--and that absurd belief that my family was perfect--my life a fairy tale. so fuck you, IA. heh. actually, happy birthday to him.

I love Ms. Pac Man.

not the game--her. okay, so i meant the game. i suck at it though, just like every other video game. OOOH! that's what i wanted to comment on, on muscle68's site. i'm so brain dead sometimes. I was reading his post and it wasn't really that long, but by the time i finished i had forgotten what i meant to comment on. It was the line about something sucking harder than a girl on her fist audition for porn....i laughed out loud, but then i couldn't remember like 2 mintues later. i think i seriously have a brain tumor. i used to have a great memory, but now it would seem, i have a brain like a sieve. what happened to the steel trap???? hmm...perhaps it rusted out, and that's where all the holes are coming from....who knows? anyway, read his site. cuz he's a good read and not too hard on the eyes. (wink wink). (yes, that was my attempt at being a dirty old man)....sometimes i like to be a dirty old man, except i'm a girl, and not so very old.

more on l.a. guns

so once again i was too hung over to share the details properly even yesterday. but, i'll expand a bit on what i wrote friday night.

so first of all, it was a total dive of a place, with a little fenced off stage with a pole in the middle--for strippers, we figured. classy. and the stage for the bands was only raised about a foot. and there were probably only 200 in attendance. that's gotta be weird for bands who are used to playing larger venues. which is not to say that these bands have been filling arenas lately, but still. Also, the funny thing is I was not familiar with a single song. and of course, we were in the front row, but when you only have to fight 196 drunk rednecks....well, it wasn't too difficult. And there was a guy who was young and had the look of a modern rocker--and he looked familiar to me. (never figured out why). My brother in law started talking to him and it turned out he is the drummer for The Bullet Boys (who had not shown up). So we hung out with him for a bit. I all i wanted to do was ask him if he had been with the band on the 2002 tour so i could follow up with, "so you must know Jason Hook?" who was the guitarist for vince neal this summer and is freaking hot. god-d. i'm so pathetic. i'm just a bleach job and a belly shirt away from being the typical groupie of the 80's bands....

The music was fantastic. (aw fuck. just went to see what that noise was. it was max playing in the toilet. fuck.) i guess i should have written more the night i got home, because i can't remember anything now.

oh yeah! my brief encounter with the lead singer of l.a. guns--can you tell what a devout, long-time fan I am? don't even know the dude's name....all i know is he has gorgeous eyes and a not un-manly pixie-like face....anyway, they were signing autographs at a table, etc, and i had walked over to check out the action, but decided i didn't care enough to actually GET an autograph, when they started getting shuffled away by their road manager dude (hot) and this drunk guy came up to the lead singer (who i'll refer to as L.S.) and said, or rather slurred, "do you know so and so from K-blah blah (radio station call letters)?" A d.j. i imagine. and L.S., in his sexy british dialect, looked a bit annoyed, then surprised and said, "yeah" and absentmindedly signed the guy's outstretched band photo. "So do you know where he is?" asked the drunk guy with a sense of urgency, excitement...L.S. again looked a bit annoyed and answered, "No, haven't seen him in years..." I was just inches from L.S. and as I watched this sad little exchange, I couldn't help but comment. So, with a soft little smile and just enough sarcasm that he would get it but drunk dude would miss it, I said, "yeah, you should really keep track of everybody..." I lightly touched his shoulder as I said it, then walked past him and smiled back as he replied, with the same dose of sarcasm and a nice smile, "yeah, no shit."

am I a pathetic, indiscriminate groupie?

most definitely.

do i find myself praying that Pearl Jam will start playing such crappy venues before I lose my looks?

HELL yes.

I mean, how easy was that??? I only wish it was someone i idolized. or even was vaguely familiar with....oh well. it was still cool.

and the boys are at Ratt right now. I actually know a couple of their songs, and i think i would have enjoyed it immensely, but we couldn't get a babysitter. besides, i spent the entire day yesterday feeling like a piece of chewing gum that had lost all its flavor and i was not looking forward to repeating that monday....

L.A. Guns, baby

god. could i be a bigger chunk of white trash?? okay, well, maybe i like dirt head music, but i shore don't look like one. there were some "hot" mullet-sporting men with mustaches and wifebeaters. and when i say some i mean a good 70% of the audience. and when my brother in law said i was the 2nd hottest chic there (after his wife) he wasn't kidding. damn. but the music was good. and i talked to the lead singer of l.a. guns. he has the most beautiful eyes. more tomorrow. fuckin' A tired, man. he he. oh yeah, and the bullet boys didn't make it--they're using barry manilow's old tour bus and it broke down...but their drummer was there and we hung out with him. wicked.

sometimes my banner ads crack me up

like today, for instance. one is for herbal remedies for motion sickness and the other is for learning english as a second language. um, okay. i mean, usually they reflect the content of my blog to some degree (like, i get lots for mormon related stuff or for maine tourism stuff) but where the hell did those come from???

oh well.

so i'm going to a little concert tonight. i'm rather embarassed to say who it is, though. Actually, i am completely unfamiliar with any of the bands' music....it's L.A. Guns, The Bullet Boys and someone else i've never heard of, as well as 3 local bands. i'm sure it'll be a good time, but i'm feeling markedly too old for such things. old. i've even started putting fucking moisturizer around my eyes to combat wrinkles. next i'll probably find a gray hair or change the presets on my car radio to easy listening. perhaps i'm being dramatic. perhaps i'm just trying to spend the next 2 years gearing up for turning 30 by freaking myself out so that when it finally hits i'll be cool as a cucumber. but i digress. The point here, to be remembered well, is that i'm going to see some cock rockin bands tonight and drink some light beers and pretend i won't be hung over tomorrow.

oh yeah--Yankees suck. I know i should be rooting for the underdog, and i was when it was the REd Sox, but somehow, I have gotten sucked into the Yankee love. there are so many things about that sentence that could be dirty. but i'll just leave them alone.

i love baseball

I always forget how much I love watching baseball until World Series time. I just don't have time to watch sports, and I don't have strong alliances to any particular team, so there's usually no point to make time. I liked the Jazz for about five minutes a few years back. those years when they went to the final game and choked every single time. how annoying. I used to love high shcool sports. I was also a cheerleader, but that's not why. I was a cheerleader because I looked good in the skirt. And because I love contrast (the whole sweet and innocent honor student in the slut role). anyway. god i spend more time on tangents than anything else, actually. but baseball kicks ass. i'm learning a lot. some of it i don't really care to know, but most of it is interesting.

"I can't say 'shit' to Reesa" said twin A today. great. well, at least he knows. i swear i haven't said that in front of them in a loooong time. i did however, say, "friggin garage door" yesterday only to hear it echoed from the backseat.....hey, frig is better than fuck, at least as far a 3 year old's vocabulary goes.

uh, anyway.

had a great brainstorm for the 2003 novel. it's going to be great!!! i can't wait to get working on it.

utah pet peeve of the day: there's a local bookstore chain that caters to mormon literature, and they run this ad on tv and the tag line is, "we know what you want." Oh really? you do? well. funny, last time i was browsing your shelves i didn't find any erotic novels. I didn't find any porn in your magazine section. I didn't even find any modern music whatsoever. I am here to testify that they do NOT know what I want. fuckers.

kay. back to the game.

I love nap time

It is, without question, the greatest invention of all time.

forget the wheel. don't even mention the microwave, the internet or Tivo.

it's all about the children sleeping in the middle of the day. blessed silence. a small slice of freedom in an otherwise wild and busy world.

so what should i do with this delicacy? should i read a book? should i write my book? should i watch some of the many hours of recorded shows on my tivo thingy? should i do some housework? should I do some work work?

fuck. it's too hard to decide. i guess i'll just take a nap.

Dr. Phil? Where are you?

oh, that reminds me. anyone watch The Man Show? love it. and, for the record, i was a huge Doug Stanhope fan before he got that show. He's been to Utah a couple of times and wrote some severely pants-peeing entries about the dip shits who live here. uh...nice tangent. They did a Dr. Phil sketch on The Man Show the other night that was pretty brutal. funny, of course, but DAMN. He was doing a book signing and he kept asking the women to have sex with him--real women who thought he was really dr. phil.

I don't think I conveyed the full weight of my joy yesterday at the impending return of our best friends. If I could physically DO a backflip--I'd be doing backflips. Perhaps I'll settle for jumping for joy--I can jump. Or being tickled pink--I hate being tickled though. It's my husband's favorite way to torture me "but how can you hat it if you're laughing??" He thinks he's funny. (and no, this was not what we were fighting about last night. I might enjoy over-dramaticizing things, but not to THAT degree!) So I'll have to start planning a huge "Welcome Home" party. And maybe they'll buy a house in Salt Lake instead of here, and maybe I can finally talk the hubby into selling our house and moving north as well....(SLC is much more normal, see. the area where i live is locally referred to as "Happy Valley" if that's any indication of what a fuck hole it is...a home's proximity to BYU campus is directly proportional to how annoying your neighbors are...)

talk about a tangent.

well. the kids are fighting over who gets to open the lid to the washing machine. god.

well here we go again

fuck

double fuck.

it's back.

the same old fight of yesteryear.

i'll probably delete this post in the morning.

but i need to purge myself of the black tar in my soul at the moment.

why is it that life can seem so full and complete and on the fast track to happily ever after one day and be flushed down the toilet of life the next?

how can love be so fickle?

and is it all my mother's fault? did she spoil me? am i really as self-centered as he says? or are we just too different? what a cliche. but it could be true. or maybe we're too much alike.

i hate this.

I want my happy acceptance of the white picket fence life back again.

I had no idea what marriage was about before I was married. nor for a long time after. i know now. it's about compromise and not giving up when the going gets tough.

fuck.

fuck.

goose.

I'm ba-aack

from my trip.

we had fun.

i'm fucking tired right now though. usually i wake up at 8:30 or 9...or 9:30...so, getting up at 5 am is rather hideous to me.

I thought I had a lot to say today, but I don't. Probably I'll have more to say later.

I did, however, get a wonderful surprise in my email today from my other best friend who moved away--to say they're moving back! i'm so excited.

i promise to have something witty or interesting to say soon. (soon couuld be later today or it could be sometime this year...)

life is beautiful

what more can i say?

no really, i think i'm all out.

okay, okay.

so i cry wolf like that every month or so, but this time it might be for real.

oh yeah, the good news about the whole car incident is that after i tossed and turned that whole night, trying to decide if i should tell him or how to tell him--he never even noticed. i got up early and whispered a confession to my mom, over waffles and oj...she chuckled and said, dismissively, "oh, i put a dent in it the first time i drove it and he's never said a thing about it." Have i ever mentioned what a perfectly angelic, strong, nurturing, fantastic mother I have? well, she's all those things and more. hell, she was Miss Betty Crocker at Pasadena HIgh in 1955. (which could explain why i'm the only girl i know who actually cooks--and cooks well, i might add).

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
creeps in its petty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time
when all our yesterdays have lighted fools
their way to dusty death
Out, out brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
who struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more
It is a tale told by an idiot
full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.

Just a little culture for y'all.

i had to memorize that in my 10th grade english class. sadly, i cant remember if it's from Hamlet or MacBeth.

And i should remember, because I took a Shakespeare class in college, which was only 6 years ago.

aw fuck. 6 years ago??? 6 years. the last time i took college classes was 6 motherfucking years ago. god i'm old. and pathetic, since i STILL haven't graduated.

oh. my. god. i just remembered what movie i saw for the first time last night. The Ring. that was pretty damn scary, i have to say.

and there's something else i was going to say. but can i think of it? hell no. it was probably more interesting than any of this other crap, too.

okay. i'll be signing off for a bit. i'll be in portland til monday.

maybe i'll post from the coast. hehe hehe. i love rhyming. so, have a fantastically wonderful weekend and drink a lot and sleep late and go to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!! (well, that's what i'll be doing, so i figure if everyone who reads this does it, too, then it'll be like some big hands across america thingy, only with beer and sand....)

just a memory

When i was home this summer, i was driving my dad's Caddy. One day, my best friend, Jasmine, came by to go to the beach with my kids and I. As i was backing the damn boat around to get out of the abortion of a driveway that my parents' yard is filled with, I heard that sickening crunch of metal against metal. I yelled, "fuck!" as I threw a furtive glance toward the house to see if my Dad had heard the noise and was now racing toward me, weapon raised, eyes filled with retribution....for the Cadillac was (and is) his pride and joy. Fortunately his hearing is shot, so he was still bent over his welding project in the garage. Jasmine and i exchanged nervous looks, and i jumped out to assess the damage. My lunch was in my throat, my heart was pounding. oh god. there was a huge gash, right above the headlight and a scratch on the light itself. i decided to get the hell out of there and try to figure out what to do about it, so we continued on our course to the beach. About a half mile from my parents' house, i crossed the bridge over the Weskeag river, and pulled into the parking lot next to it so i could further inventory the damage. as I got out of the car, i saw the neighbor's car rounding the bend and waved, just as i heard the driver (who is my childhood bestfriend julie's dad) yell at an oncoming car, "Fucking asshole!"

made my day.

a moment of silence

for one of our own who has fallen in battle.....BeefJerkyGood is no more.

so far so good

I had forgotten how much i LOVE a good workout. I mean a really good workout. Like, when someone else is there, kicking your ass so hard that you're as sore as a virgin bride the next day. yeah, baby.

and the diet thang ain't so bad....the aforementioned mint oreos were mostly consumed by the neices and nephews while their mom worked out my nutrition plan (phew!) and the eclairs...well, i managed to inhale them all sunday night so i'd be free to start the sugar free life on monday. heh. what a stupid lil fucker i am. i am definitely a sugar-aholic. and i'm not trying to be flip, or sarcastic, or anything like that. I am being dead serious. i am so insanely addicted to sugar that it's not even funny.

there's a picture of my husband and i on our wedding day sitting on my desk and i just remembered how annoyed i was when i picked up my bouquet the morning of our wedding and it was exactly the opposite of what i wanted. damn florist. but god i love my dress. and my skinniness. and that handsome devil next to me. awww.

i have too many brothers in law (6). anyway. the one who borrowed some dvd's for his flight to japan last week discovered a goldmine--dvds for 80 cents. he bought $300 worth. some are for us.

fuckin' A.

all you suckers spending 20 bucks on your Matrix Reloaded---plllllllllll (that's me sticking out my tongue and spitting...)

that's right.

and much much more. I can't wait to see what he got for us. he's the coolest. he wins for favorite brother in law by at least a mile.

with flying colors.

by a long shot.

etc.

et al.

I am extremely excited for November 1st to arrive. I want to start writing my novel RIGHT NOW. but alas. it is not so. I've been perusing the Utah message boards, and it appears that 99% of the local participants are writing sci-fi or fantasy. One girl commented on it, saying she read in article in the Salt Lake Tribune recently which explored this phenomenon as well. I'm going to try to find that article, cuz i'm intrigued by pretty much anything that explores why the fuck jobs around here all do the same things in ANY area of life. i'm giving you 3 guess who I"M putting my money on for the blame. no, not the mormon church, come now. oh all right, you got me. dammit. and of course then there was the suggestion to meet at a bar for our kick off party and one girl said something about having pepsi. stupid bitch. get drunk already.

the beginning of a new era?

Perhaps.

I went to the gym with my sister in law last night. the one i've mentioned before, who is a fitness model and competes in fitness competitions.....

first of all: totally depressing. she's teeny and buff. no matter how good i feel, i look like a tub of lard next to her.

HOWEVER.

She is the nicest, sweetest person alive and she's coming over today to write me up a nutrition plan. cuz i'm ready to change some things. of course, it'll have to start next week, as the eclairs and mint oreos i bought yesterday will have to be consumed first. cuzzzzz, there's no way in HELL i'm letting the husband dispose of them himself. no way. i mean, that would be sick and wrong (not to be confused with thick and long...).

so anyway, i'm kind of excited. the plan involves eating a strict combination of proteins and carbs and "good fats" every 3 hours. that's going to be hard. i'm a pretty strict 3 times a day eater, but this should be fun. it's guaranteed to work, too. well....if you do it right. blah. and losing this last ten pounds will make all my muscles show up better.

so here's my pet peeve of the day. MOnsters Inc, which is a great kids movie, and i like it a lot. except. the little girl in it can't talk, but is potty trained and can draw well enough that the figures are recognizable. stupid. anyone with kids will tell you how unlikely that is. i mean it IS possible, i'll concede, but it's not likely. unless the kid's autistic, i guess.

whatev.

i'm going to portland in 4 days.

and you're not.

unless you are.

i love the breakfast club

and breakfast. especially when it's honey bunches of oats with almonds--and raspberries.....mmmmm......

I just remembered that one of my old college roommates lives in Portland so I'm going to try to visit her. There were 3 of us who met freshman year, in the dorms--those two were roommates and i lived next door--and we ended up living together for 3 years: until B got married in the "temple", T went on a mission for the church, and I started sleeping with long-haired musicians....it always comes back to that doesn't it? aaaaaaaahhhh, me and my bobby mcgee(s)....

so, i stayed up way too late last night, finishing up that work project, but the sweet hubby helped me work on it for a couple of hours, AND got the kids up to give me a little extra sleep this morning.

more later.

no time

to write today. that pesky work thing. project due. blah.

so, fine. here's the first page or so of last year's nanowrimo novel. grab some crackers, cuz there's a lot of cheese ahead....

sorry, too late. i took it down. hee hee.

oh. good. god.

what possessed me to take two 3 year olds on an extended trip to the grocery store? What? possibly the lack of sanity I have recently acquired. possibly the happiness i've been feeling a need to shed. possibly the brain tumor i must surely have. i've been home for two hours and the convulsions have just ceased. my vision has cleared. my heart is beating normally. and i think the kids should regain conciousness any minute...ha. i wish. acutally i just put them in bed for a "rest" which is different from a nap. a rest consists of: a small light staying on and a small harmless toy to be allowed in bed. in other words: mama time. a rest for ME. lil fuckers. gah-damn. they're never exactly angelic in the store, but this was the worst--exponentially. i seriously wanted to shoot myself in the ear just so i wouldn't have to hear them screaming. they knew they had me by the balls. err, or whatever. i actually remained perfectly calm and even managed to calm them down, several times......okay, i can't think abou tit. heh. nice typo. i'm leavin' it. tit. tit. that's kind of fun to type.

soooo, guess what was in my inbox this morning when i opened my email? A ticket confirmation from southwest. I'm going to Potland (another rather hilarious typo...) that would be Portland, Oregon. Next weekend. Sans les enfants. fuckin' A. and i really mean it this time. i mean, whoa. nothing better than a weekend without kids. except maybe a whole month!!! har. anyway. i am, to keep with the redneck/people who say fuckin' A theme here...stoked. I am stoked. And we're going to surprise my sister in law. She knows Mr. Bored is coming, she's picking him up at the airport cuz her husband (my husband's brother) will be working when we arrive. since the plan just changed to include me, he thought it would be fun to not tell her i'm coming too. cuz she's pretty lonely up there, and we're bestest friends so she'll be pretty damn excited to see me. and i'm more than excited. i thinnk i can smell the ocean already......

good workout today. translation: lots of hot men at the gym for my viewing pleasure. i'm such a guy.

well fuckin' A

I found it. god bless the internet. i mean, really. Thanks Al Gore.

so here's what i found, in about 3 minutes: the origin of fuckin' A

it's not quite a satisfactory answer, but it'll do. for now....maybe i'll do more research later. always later. my favorite time to do things...later. beautiful, serene, perfect "later".....

blah

what a great way to start a post. hook em right in. you know you're going to be getting a big fat dripping-with-gravy serving of great reading when the post is titled "blah". oh yeah. this is the universal signal for "lots going on in my world, why don't you settle back and enjoy a glimpse?". totally.

so it's time once again to flip that coin. to decide whether or not to return to college. every time a new semester approaches, i mull it over. i feel that it is very important, but i'm too lazy. so there you have it.

Also, i was besieged by strange dreams again last night. I wonder if this is because i'm not sleeping well? or if it's simply a by-product of the combination of boring life and active imagination....anyway, the one thing that struck me overall was the sense that i was living in a "normal" place. in other words: not UTAH. it felt so incredibly good--so right. it was like a weight was lifted from my stooping, straining, worn out shoulders...they've been bearing this heavy bag of chips for so long...ha ha. anyway, it was nice. Also, i dreamed of seeing a friend and in the dream she had gotten divorced and remarried since i saw her last and i was confused, feeling a bit left out, trying to act like i wasn't surprised. weird. AND there was a dinner, at a restaurant somewhere in maine (probably) with a very large group...most of them were 18-20 year old boys (there's a shock) but i wasn't really flirting (huh???) and i assumed they were a sports team so i let my language go unchecked (plenty of "fucks" to go around, no pun intended), but when i returned from a rather odd trip to the restroom i learned that they were a seminary class--this is a mormon thing, a class to take during high school for further religious study, etc. i was revulsed. repulsed. and wanted to run screaming from the room. instead i smiled and nodded and swallowed my chalky, tastless food....grasping the empty space where my mug of beer should have been, like an amputee scratching an itch on that missing limb....he he he he i'm just practicing my descriptive writing skills. snerf.

what the hell is the matter with me?? i mean really. fuck.

so, i might be going to portland, if i can find a babysitter for the weekend. the mr. is going, and i really want to. but i doubt i'll get off my arse and find a babysitter....mostly because the sure bet is to offer to trade babysitting with another couple--you watch our gromets for the weekend, we'll watch yours another weekend. scares me. oh grow some balls, girl. jeez.

does anyone know where the expression "fuck an A" comes from? (or is it "fuckin' A"?) I guess i could research that. perhaps i shall.

perhaps it pays to be catholic

my sister converted, to marry her husband in "the church" and i've always thought she was silly to do so. I mean, who leaves the mormon church and joins the catholic church?? trust me, it's not common. anyway, i'm beginning to see her wisdom. she just won a 7 day caribean cruise in a raffle at her church. fuck an A. trust me once again when i say the mormons don't even HAVE raffles, let alone with prizes like that. sign me up. sneeze on my forehead, father, i'm in!!!

oh and i found yet another fantastic blog. why do i keep linking so many people who are far superior to myself? i believe i am hoping that any readers i've managed to aquire will ditch me for these greener pastures i'm offering. hey, i'm a born people pleaser, what can i say? i just want YOU to be happy.

I had to spend half my morning gathering up and delivering some DVD's to my husband so his brother could take them on his flight to Japan this afternoon. and yeah, it probably was about 50% of my morning, since i got up at 9 and noon is the end of morning...that means it only took me 1.5 hours. but you know what? saying "half my morning" is so much more dramatic so fuck off.

sorry. had to find some way to slip in a "fuck". can't have a post without it. time to cook dinner.

looks like someone has a case of "the mondays"...

"naw, man. you could get your ass kicked for saying something like that!"


I don't actually have a case of the mondays, but i've certainly been dragging ass lately.

more weird dreams.

trying to plan a good outline in my head for the new novel to be attacked starting november 1st....I have a good idea, but I'm actually trying to plan it out, find the conclusion before just plowing ahead into the unknown...like i did last year. which is why i only have 200 pages completed of THAT novel--and the rest is just floating around in my head, on my harddrive--practically avoiding coming together. fuckity fuck. I wish i could find a critque group to join. perhaps some nanowrimo folks that i'll hopefully be meeting during this year's run....i just need to get off my ass and revamp the thing. breathe new life into it. or deal with the fact that it'll never be finished and move on. but i hate that idea. I should be accustomed to loose ends, unfished projects--such things are second-nature to me--but I'm not willing to let this one drop. I just need to make it a priority and set aside some quality time for editing, etc. anyway. i'm getting excited to start a new project as well. then maybe i can come back to this one with fresh eyes? errr....or something.

so tired. it's NOT a tum-ah.

and i did

nap.

i so rarely nap that it is rather exciting when it actually happens.

and that, my friends, is why i can--with full confidence--call my life boring.

with a capital b.

I had some kooky dreams last night, though. one of them included some random girls from high school that i was not very close to, but in my dream i cared about them. And then I dreamed something about a particular boy again. something obscure, vague. but visceral at the same time. always so realistic, three-dimensional, technicolor dolby surround sound......

driving home from salt lake city this morning (after step son's soccer game--they won!) I saw a group of 50 or so hawks circling over the same field. It was wild. hawks don't usual travel in flocks. it's hawk season, though...or something. they're everywhere lately. i guess because it's hay cutting time, so the fields are easy targets for mice, etc.?? anyway, our subdivision is right next to an alfalfa farm (smells great in the spring--fertilizer...) so i've been watching the hawks lately. but only one or two at a time. this was really beautiful--so many of them.

just started a new book today--The Tatooed Girl by Joyce Carol Oates. I'm enjoying it so far. something she said reminded me of how unscholarly i am. "Jet's language, which grated against Siegl's ear, was taken from pop-culture almost exclusively." gulp. dammit. that's me. and it just struck me rather forcefully that that is exactly why i feel like a kid sometimes when i talk to "real adults". i've grown lazy....okay, so maybe i've always been lazy, but i've grown more lazy.......oh well. i think i wouldn't sound real if i spoke much differently. I can clean it up when i need to, but sometimes i forget.

I want to take a nap

so why in the bloody hell am i cuddling my laptop instead of a blanket??? i don't know why i think i need a nap. I am always tired lately, but whatever. I'm probably just dying or something.

It's beautiful weather, though, and i want to take the boys for a hike when they wake up from THEIR nap, so i better hurry up and rest if i'm going to.

i'm trying to plan a trip to florida for a weekend to see my sister and her new-ish baby. What a pain in the ass that's turning out to be.

okay, hubby just flipped on Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. and you know what that means. holy shit. i'm peeing my pants.

woke last night to the sound of thunder...

how far off, i sat and wondered
started humming a song from 1962
ain't it funny how the night moves?

okay, so i probably got the lyrics all wrong, but give me a break--i haven't heard that song in a while. it's just that with all these glorious thunder storms lately i had to write it. yesterday i took my boys out to the front porch to watch and listen. they loved it. of course! they're MY boys. they look like me, they act like me. no wonder i adore them!!!!! har.

it's the Elk hunt this weekend. woo. school's out early. heh heh. love living in a hick state. well, i must, i moved from one hick state to another. At least Maine is exponentially cooler than utah. fuckin utah.

just got back from the gym. there are two guys who have just started going. it's a father and son, i'm pretty sure. who wants to guess what i'm about to say? damn straight. they're both hot. i'm definitely getting old if a guy with gray hair could be attractive....but he is. you can tell he's always been really good looking and has always taken good care of himself and he's probably only in his 40's....and the son is probably 20-23, i would guess... shut up. something hot about the two of them together. i could very possibly be a huge sicko, but the jury's still out.

oh yeah--and i found a fabulous new blog!!! looks like she's yet another 28 year old....are we ALL 28 (except boz)???? kind of funny.

typing with a bandaid

ain't so easy. in fact, i think i'll leave all typos in place just to see....

so, the husband was being oh-so-cute and loaded up and started the dishwasher last night. only, we were out of dishwasher detergent, so as i breezed through, coralling the kids into bed I said, "yeah, i forgot to get more soap, don't worry about starting it." and went on my merry way. i knew he was going to put in the Dawn. I just knew it, but i was too busy to stop and tell him not to--besides, i knew he knew it was a bad idea. So, a few minutes later, when i had the boys tucked in and was getting them a drink, i was met with a rabid dishwasher--foaming at the mouth. i couldn't believe he actually did it.

anyway. I found a fantastic new blog today. check it out. now. well, after you finish reading this...

it's raining! what a beautiful sound...smell....sight....aaaaaaaahhhh....bring on the thunder, the lightening!! come on! harder, harder, faster---oops. i mean. um. ahem. hitch my skirt back down, smooth my hair, tuck in my shirt...

who wants to hear the latest in the serial of "how stupid is Lisa?" ? too bad, i'm telling you anyway. so last night i had some friends over. one of them is named Gretchen. she had a necklace on with a "G" on it. I looked at it. And I thought to myself, "why would she have a G?. her name doesn't start with G...oh yeah!" and then i asked her if the G was for Gabe, her husband.

yeah. that's me.

i've decided to give in to the brain damage. fuck it. it's too hard to fight. i'll just start reading Danielle Steele and watching jerry springer. and ending sentences with prepositions. yeah. okay, maybe not. i think i'd have to punch myself in the eye if ever said, "Where's she at?" like all the fucking morons around here. WHY???? Why do people not notice how horrible that sounds?? "Where'd you get that at?" what the fuck? okay. i guess i'll never be able to fully give in to the stupidity fairy, but i'll try to stop acting so surprised when he surfaces.

it's a sunshine day

no, truly it is. sometimes days are just sunny, or nice, or whatever, but when they're really amazing they could be considered sunshine days. either that or i'm just rambling on for no particular reason. yeah, that's probably it.

i thought i felt like writing, but perhaps i was wrong.

well one thing's for sure. i'm even dumb-er than i thought. like, so dumb i'm embarassed to even admit how dumb or why. god help me. how could i have misunderstood tony pierce's review of the white stripes show so thoroughly? well, one reason is that i'm so far out of the new music loop that i can't even see it from here ("loop? where are you? i miss you...") and another reason is that i spread myself so thin sometimes that i only catch about 10% of what goes on in the world around me. so. here we are. dumb and dumber. today, i was loading my mp3 player for my trip to the gym and discovered in my "my music" folder a track labeled "seven nation army--white stripes". and i nearly fell out of my chair as i was bombarded from all sides (frontal, perietal, cerebral...) by revelations. everything was as clear as, well, as a sunshine day. fuck me gently wtih a chainsaw.

ooh! that reminds me--whoever's excited for the new Texas Chainsaw Masacre, raise your hand! well, it's hard to type one-handed so mine's back down, now, but it was up for a second there....for some reason that movie scared the fuck out of me (seriously--i was celibate for a whole day after) even though it was so B-movie. Actually i know the reason, so i'm not sure why i wrote that in such an annoyingly vague manner: the reason it got to me was that it was based on a true story....watching that girl run away to safety, FINALLY, at the end just wrenched my guts. i had really put myself in her shoes and it freaked me out with such an intensity as i haven't felt since Dean Koontz's Intensity. as cornily as that worked out, it's true. that book fuckin shook me to the core.

okay. so anyway. lots to do today. if you see tony, tell him i'm sorry for being the dumbest ass of the dumb asses--or better yet, try to convince him that i'm actually not as devoid of IQ points as i may have seemed....sniff. you know what that experience reminds me of? being a freshman in high school--shy as all get out, glasses, braces (yes, a bit like the girl in my geek story but not as severe) and having a gorgeous, popular senior who sat by me in study hall ask me some inane question and get the dopiest answer possible........sad. pathetic. good thing i grew up and into myself and can talk to boys now. ahem. and i'm only a complete idiot sometimes. that's good enough for me! =) way to set my sights low...

sometimes it's fun to be a housewife

and today is one of those days. I have some gorgeous dinner rolls rising--so melt in your mouth wonderful that they should be considered dessert--and a chicken slow roasting with just the right seasonings....and potatoes boiling for mashing....and the chocolate chip coconut cookies i made last night will go nicely for dessert. mouth watering. Simple pleasures are so sweet.

and the kids are napping.

that could very well be the greatest thing to happen in a week. they don't usually nap anymore. aaaaaaaaahhhhh.

I found an adorable site today called Big Boned Girls. there are several authors, but they all seem ruther cute. (sorry, had to de-link that....upon closer inspection they bugged the crap out of me with their "wid" and "nuffin" and other fake words. fuck fake words.)

And then I found one by the editors of a magazine which is very nice so far....haven't researched the entire magazine side of it yet, but the blog is cool.......did i just say cool? i guess that proves that i'm a huge dork. oh well.

better go get the kids up so they'll sleep tonight.....but first, i added a little more to that story from the other day.

me and my wet dreams......

always nice. had some good ones last night. what is it with me and dreams? perhaps it's a testament to how boring my life is....actually it reminds me of Ally McBeal--and her obsessive relationship with her dreamworld. i'm not that bad, but i certainly have the predilection.....oh well. My life is a good boring....=)

well, at least i staved off the ugly beast of winter for a bit longer--by shopping for winter clothes for my kids. I don't know what i believe in most of the time but one thing remains constant, as has my belief in it: Murphy's Law. it's true. i swear by it. buy a bathing suit and it snows (even if it's june). buy winter coats and it's 80 degrees again. fine by me. I fucking hate winter. I hate being cold. I'm sure i'll end up enjoying it--hot chocolate, flannel pajamas, snowmen....okay, it'll be fun. jeeeeeeez. what a pessimist. it's not even october yet and i'm whining about winter.

oh here's another reason UTAH SUCKS BLUE WHALE BALLS: there's a new show on NBC called Coupling and utah's not carrying it. they don't broadcast saturday night live on nbc here either. see, the local affiliate which carries nbc is owned by--I'll give you one guess--the mormon church. fucking bastards. wouldn't want anyone to have to choose not to watch something the church finds offensive, better just make it real easy on them and not even air it. "to hell with those non-mormons (literally) who might want to watch those things; we're doing them a favor." fuckers.

time to go to the gym.

once upon a time...

i had a brain and it functioned properly. If it was still in working order, that would be so nice.

However.

i not only failed to actually link the god of blogging yesterday because i made up my own url for him, but i even misinterpreted his enthusiasm for seven nation army to include white stripes. sigh.

where has my brain power gone? is it off meandering meadows of heather with little bo peep's sheep? Is it hiding in my sock drawer (cuz lord knows i never open that one)? or is it perhaps just hiding around the corner where i could find it if only...if only i had its help? dammmmmmit.

Oh well, what're you gonna do?

well for starters, if you're happy and you know it you could feel free to clap your hands. fuck. why do i BUY such videos for my kids???? not only do they suck hard, but my kids don't even actually watch them. they just insist i play them. then they wander around ignoring the damn thing (cuz they have good taste after all) but won't let me turn it off. once again with the brain power deficiency.

I'm just a bit grouchy today. Mostly because the internet was down all morning and my golfing husband didn't take his phone so i couldn't call him for help fixing it. I know lots of things--like how to turn the server back on when the kids have turned it off, or how to check all the other stuff (bite me) for all the proper blinking lights (double bite me) and i even know how to network our computers together which has nothing to do with the problem but i needed to brag because i was sounding so stupid....but for some reason i couldn't get it working. AND he left the milk out and several cupboards open when he left--and the milkman comes tomorrow* but that was the last of the milk and i'm NOT drinking milk that sat on the counter for 2 hours. gaaaaaawd. why are men so --so--exasperating???? anyway. i had to resort to reading a book. which is my first love, but we haven't been speaking lately, as my mistress the computer has been taking all of my time....why isn't there a better word for a woman's secret lover? anyway. To Kill A Mockingbird is as fabulous as I remembered it. beautiful.


*yes, we have milk delivered. how fucking cool is that??

blaaaaaaaaah

television is my nemesis. i cannot be creative when it is on. that is why weekends suck. because it's on during the day. i usually have it off, besides one or two kids' shows in the morning. fuckity fuck. hubby's watching spiderman on hbo or whatever. cute little show. but i wish we had those little cordless earphone thingies so he could watch it and i wouldn't have to listen to it. or i wish i could plug the laptop in somewhere else....but since we only have one outlet??? yes, i have issues. i am a creature of habit. i am nearly incapable of changing certain routines. What's up O.C.D? good times.

i had some borderline interesting things to say, but the evil hypnotic box is preventing them from exiting my head via my hands.

gaw-dammit.

i was hoping i could summon the willpower to give my kids a nap so i could work on the story i started yesterday, cuz i'm kind of liking it......poor little geek basket. but i'm not big on willpower. i fucking love typing the word "power" though. if i took a typing test and they only had me type that word, i'd score like a 400 wpm. i swear to gertrude.

i was catching up on tony's site today and discovered a rave review of a White Stripes show. that made me smile. not as much as everything else that literary genius writes, or at least in a different way. it's just that i only hear negativity about them, i worry about my taste in music sometimes and this is one of those times. i love that song. the one getting overplayed ad nauseum. don't even know the name of it. and that's why i downloaded a whole bunch of their songs and now i know that i really like them, not just that one song... anyway, the fact that tony had such good things to say relieves the anxiety i was feeling... so thanks Mr. Pierce. but everything else he writes is like drinking liquid gold. no--liquid diamonds, cuz it's sparkly.....and smooth and wonderful. ahem. i guess i could get off my knees now.

phone call.

kay i'm back. well last minute plans to go to a lil party. we weren't going to go but the host just called to see if we're coming and we caved. one of those "bring your kids of you want/need" parties....blach. we are always in the crowd of "no babysitter? no go!" buuuuuuuut....we're going to give it a shot. might be worth it. trying to have a positive attitude...struggling...dammit, i think i won. i'm so selfish. if i can't thoroughly enjoy myself i want no part of it! i am such a rambling idiot. i better go make dinner and pick out something to wear.......and as we all know, that could take a while.

such a follower...

i just had to take the personality test and since i'm an exhibitionist, i simply must display my results. sorry to be such a dork. it's in my nature. i have been fighting it for years, but without much success.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

only i must have answered something wrong because i'm the most indecisive person i know. last night i stood in my closet for close to 15 minutes, without moving, just staring. no, i wasn't conflicted on whether or not to come out of it--you bunch of sarcastic pun lovers. I was going out with a friend and wanted desperately to wear sweats or pj's but knowing that wouldn't be appropriate I was trying to find the next best thing--something comfortable yet fashionable and flattering. in other words, a mission impossible. anyway, the point is I ain't so quick with trivial decisions. oh well. i think the rest of it was pretty accurate.

tgif

I really want to write something good today. something interesting and witty and risque. something wild and wonderful. but with "bob the builder" assaulting my eardrums and the tasmanian devils whirling about....ugh. I have no focus lately. No inspiration, no motivation, but mostly no ability to focus. Time to meditate or something. I guess i'll just plunge in with a little writing exercise....see where this takes us......


Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who loved boys. She dreamed of them when sleeping, but moreso when awake. She was perpetually staring out windows--car windows, bus windows, classroom windows--and when the lights were out, she lay staring at ceilings and always, always she was dreaming of boys. She painstakingly set the scene--imagining each detail of the wardrobe and carefully planning a location...then the meeting, then the kiss......and that was it. The stories all ended there. She was a good girl. An innocent girl. She had yet to kiss her first real live boy, but she knew she would. Maybe when the braces came off, or the glasses were traded for contact lenses....Jane would dare to speak to a boy.

She was self-concious to a frighteningly extreme degree. She was aware of every hair on her arm, every crinkle in her toes--and was mortified by the shape of her nose, the shine of her skin. every breath she took seemed too much to ask of the world around her. She was a cowering puddle of insecurities. As she walked into her 9th grade science class she had no idea that her life was about to change. She wouldn't have believed it if she'd been told the class clown, the boy who talked back to the teacher would change her life. He asked her that day, as the bell sent them to lunch, if she knew Grant. Her stomach lurched, and she responded "Yeah, he's my brother." Half brother, much older, but they shared a last name. It was a rather infamous last name for that small town. There were many Widdecombs, some good and hard working, some elbow-deep in the thick black sludge of drugs and law-breaking. Grant was a wild one. Always the life of the party, always making everyone laugh--and a coke addict....she hurried off to the cafeteria, wondering how this 14 year old knew her 25 year old brother and what that said about either of them.

As the days passed, Jane was relieved that Stephen hadn't spoken to her again after his initial inquiry. He was loud, popular, and worst of all--male. She was terrirfied to talk to any boy, as much as she wished she wasn't...she watched girls flirt with boys and was filled with wonder at the ease, the comfort they seemed to possess. How was this possible? Why was she so different? She wished she could talk to a boy--any boy, even an ugly one to practice. She was lost in these thoughts so deeply that Friday afternoon that when a small wad of paper landed on her desk she was so startled that she nearly fell out of her seat. She immediately blushed a deep crimson, imagining that someone had finally decided to pick on her. She was certainly long over due for some peer torture, by her own self-image at least. She knew herself to be too skinny, too smart, too quiet, too poor--and just plain ugly. She was just regaining her composure when another wad of paper landed, and she spun around to see where it had come from. She blinked and turned back to face the front. She had been met with Stephen's smiling face. Oddly, he did not appear to be laughing at her. She swallowed hard and began frantically taking notes on the lecture she'd been ignoring, telling herself he must have been aiming for Josie--one of the popular, pretty girls--who sat in front of her. Stephen erupted in a coughing fit and threw another wad of paper, which hit her squarely in the back of the head. Her eyes blazing, she turned to face her antagonist. He put his finger to his lips, still smiling and pointed to the door. She calmed a bit, but still had no idea what he wanted. He rolled his eyes at her blank look and jotted a quick note, which he then crumpled and threw at her. She missed catching it and felt the heat rise in her cheeks again. She bent to retrieve it and knocked her notebook off her desk. She was so red she was purple at this point. Her heart pounding, she opened the note. "go to the bathroom" was scrawled across the wrinkled paper. She turned around and looked at Stephen, with an obviously puzzled look on her face. He just nodded at her and looked away. She raised her hand, asked and was given the hall pass with hardly a pause in the lecture. She started down the two flights of stairs leading to the basement bathrooms, slowly, wondering what he wanted. Before she had reached the last level, she heard the loud clattering which was Stephen racing down the stairs toward her.

"Hey, kid. Wanna smoke?" He offered her a rumpled pack of Marlboro Reds. Jane looked around, alarmed--hoping no one had seen or heard.

"I-I...I don't smoke," she looked at him hard, wondering if he had her confused with someone else.

"Yeah, I know. But you should. Maybe it would magically transform you into cool." He winked, and stuffed the soft pack back into his pocket. His eyes were green, although she wouldn't realize this until much later.

"I don't want to be cool." She said "cool" as if it were a disease, and started to back away from him.

"Nah, course not....Grant's little sister, huh?" He shook his head in disbelief. "That guy's crazy! Are you going to his party tonight?" He almost looked nervous as he threw that question out.

"No. I don't really hang out with him. He's old." She blushed, as she pushed onward. "Why do you hang out with him?"

He stepped closer to her, and she retreated again, feeling the locker brush against her back. He shrugged, grabbed her glasses and completely avoided her question.

"Kinda pretty under there...." Her heart pounded and she felt some tingling in some unusual places. She opened her mouth to speak, but the echo of a door closing down the hall startled her into action. She snatched her glasses back from him and headed back up the stairs.

As she rode home that afternoon on the bus, she was staring out the window--as usual--but her daily dream was replaced with recalling the events of the day. She ran every moment of that bizarre conversation through her head, like a film projector...over and over and over. Analyzing it for each wrong move she made, trying to imagine a better response to each of his questions. And that was when she realized he had green eyes. He was cute. She had never noticed before, but somehow receiving attention from him enhanced his features...made him more appealing. She forgot to be proud of herself for speaking to him. She forgot his last comment. Instead she focused on how stupid she sounded, looked, felt. By the time she got home she was near tears and was considering faking illness to avoid school the following day. As she trudged up the stairs, she heard the phone ringing. The only person who ever called was her best friend, Anna, so she answered without thinking.

"Jane? Um, hey. This is Stephen. Um, I was wondering if you could help me with my science homework?" Her alarm turned to shameful realization. All he was interested in was her brains.

"Uh, sure, I guess..." She wanted to say no, but she couldn't.

"That's why I wanted to know if you'd be at Grant's tonight, ya know...so you could help me..." he cleared his throat and hurried on. "but you're not going, so that's cool. Um..."

"I could meet you at the library tomorrow," she offered, hoping he wouldn't suggest coming to her house.

"Yeah! That would be awesome! Is noon good?" She agreed and they hung up. Her heart was pounding. She wasn't sure what to feel, to think. She was disappointed, relieved, nervous.

the winds of change

are rifling through my hair.

or my wallet.

either way, something's happening--and that's always better than nothing.

i refuse to procrastinate the gym today. so, i'll write later. fuck flab. i will prevail!!!!!!!!!

i alone love you

well, not really, but i was momentarily unable to think of an original thought....sometimes when a good song is playing it creeps inside and spews out my mouth or fingers or whatever. so, let me give credit to Live before i get any further. i love throwing copper. okay, once again, not literally. the album.

so in case there was any doubt, i should report that i have the world's greatest husband. he swooped in and tivo'ed me just in time for premier week. cuz see, here's the thing. if you have kids you'll understand--you can't watch tv while children are awake, at least not 3 year olds. and who has the will to find blank video tapes and set the damn thing and hope it doesn't fuck up? so i end up missing the sparse, few shows i find entertaining. not anymore. and football has once again entered the realm of "watchable". aaaaaaaaahhhh. time to go see how it all works.......

something triggered a memory

so i think i'll just let it flow.......

It was the summer after my freshman year of college (Brigham Young University) and I was home. My boyfriend and I had driven to the U of Maine campus at Orono to visit one of his friends...this friend was living with a girl and I just remember how deeply that struck a chord with me. I was very innocent of the ways of the world at that point....but i was learning. I was enchanted by the image of them, their small apartment, the coolness that emanated from them--the relaxed and grown-up way they seemed to be living. I wanted that. a tiny bolt of lightening surged through me as I wildly wished to accompany the boyfriend back to his college in upstate new york and recreate that scene with him. to ditch byu and live in sin with my rebound boy. the one i was convincing to fall hopelessly in love with me for no other reason than my selfish need to be loved and my desperate desire to be healed of my own heartbreak (unsuccessful). What a strange summer that was. what strange choices i made. teaching sunday school at church and arriving straight from my boyfriend's house after losing my virginity--feeling so intensely hypocritical that I wanted to cry but couldn't stop smiling.......feeling elated that i had finally made a choice on my own. and that it wasn't the way they always said it would be. And sex. great fun...Too scared to look at "it", so that after returning to byu and rather devoutly to celibacy (why???) for the following 2 years, then slowly making a re-entrance into the beautiful world of freedom and happiness of sex, i was vastly under-experienced for a non-virgin. but with the verbal coaching from B. and the enthusiastic hands on training of S....well, I was up to par in no time....that cute boy. I watched him walk past my living room window every day of that school year, not knowing his name.......but every time he passed I'd say to whichever roommate was present, "I'm going to marry that man." which was the mormon equivalent of, "I want to fuck him inside out and upside down!" Soo....I guess I was right. heh. god he was great. every time i'd go over to watch a movie it'd turn into a porn...nothing better than fucking in a byu apartment for a rush of danger--especially when half of his roommates were goody-two-shoes....danger!! woo! fear of getting caught....the passion, the urgency. he had been his high school quaterback.....big, hot--but with that streak of boyishness that just made me want to gobble him up. and he loved pearl jam. and primus--i remember his non-goody-two-shoes roommates blasting "my name is mud" and they were all just flying around the place.....and he loved cats. Sadly he ended up bowing to the pressure from family and peers and going back to the heart of that oppressive religion and going on a mission. it required a year of celibacy for him to prepare and i set him back a couple of times, but finally i went home for the summer, and when i came back he was serious enough about the church thing that i left him alone.

although the moral of the original story is that i have always been easily seduced by images. i am drawn to appearances, i am lured by false promises offered in the very surface of a scene. This is one of the hazards of a tv-rich society, i believe.

pet peeve of the day:

foreign language blogs with english titles. fuck that. i see a cool title in the recently published list, so i click it and when i'm met with a language other than french or english....well, the disappointment i feel at not being able to read the blog is deep. it's like a knife that cuts both ways, truly. here's the latest site to lure me in with a pretty name: nightswimming. i used to love that REM song. shut up. it was the 90's.

well, there's good news and there's bad news...

don't you hate hearing that? some people are so dramatic. they say that and i get all worried and excited and it's ends up being about something so inconsequential that neither the good nor the bad could even be close to fitting in the news category. but whatever. I had a point, I think....oh yeah. the good news is: excedrin really kicked that headache's ass, but the bad news is it sure doesn't promote sleep. little bastards left me so wide awake and restless that i almost resorted to coming downstairs and blogging, but instead i created a marvelous little novella in my head in a fruitless attempt to lull myself to sleep.....of course, i can't remember any of it. and it was not so much marvelous as mildly entertaining, anyway. it's almost November though!!! don't forget to sign up for National Novel Writing Month!!!

so. I have something on my mind, something I should probably find a better avenue of communication for than this little page, but we all know I'm waaaaaaay too lazy for that, so here it is. I would like to extend my gratitude to Adam Sandler for sharing the phrase "Jeezum Crow" with the world in the movie Mr. Deeds. I know it sounds like a small thing. I know it sounds like a strange and ugly phrase to many of you. but it is a beautiful moment when one's new england heritage is brought to the front of the mind at an unlikely moment. so if anyone sees Mr. Sandler, give him five for me.

I'm hungry.

had a great workout, though. love the new mp3 player. damn i'm hot. no really--it's like 80 degrees today.

cookie monsters

a matched set of cookie monsters is what i have. the cookies are probably so good they're worth all the crying, but still. when i say two cookies, that's what i mean, god damn it.

you know.....it's nice to be grown up, sometimes. like, when you want more than 2 cookies. or when you want to stay up all night. or when you have to do all the dishes and laundry and....wait, no. wrong list. i guess i couldn't think of very many things that are nice about being an adult. fuckin sucks sometimes, frankly.

got bit by the evil cold/flu pixie. so far just a headache and a scratchy throat--which makes my head hurt every time i cough...and achy all over. lame. being sick is stupid. being sick is for the weak. i am not sick. i am not sick. i am not sick.

as yet untitled

yes, the weekend was grand. beautiful weather, good times. a bit of fall foliage, north of here made for a nice scenic drive. practiced my golf swing....started doing rather well--almost ready to hit the course!! I'm kind of excited for that, frighteningly enough. OOOHHH!! AND my anniversary present was a new and improved mp3 player. I loved the one i had, but it needed more memory and an armband--not to mention i dropped it once and the battery compartment's cover got broken so i've been using tape to keep the battery in....so trashy! my new one is perfect. until next year when i decide i need to upgrade again...=) so if anyone has any really fast paced rock songs to recommend, i'd appreciate it. i need some fresh tunes.

what else? um, we enjoyed the pool and hot tub at the hotel, we ate lots of yummy food....I guess i won't go into detail about the movies we bought....or the movies we made....but I could tell you all about the trip to fred meyer for batteries and 8mm tapes which turned up some peanut free "soynut butter" for my peanut allergic son. hey--that was really exciting for me, shut up.

so it's premier week. and i'm actually kind of excited--maybe because there's a chill in the air and i'm permanently exhausted lately. I'm full of joyful anticipation for a few select shows, but i'm sure i won't end up actually watching any of them since i seem to be allergic to tv lately. and that's okay by me. just weird.

here i go to attempt to update that nagging sidebar........

Well, today I proved my theory wrong about working out after a night of crappy sleep. I thought it would suck. but it didn't. it woke me right the bloody hell up....after about a mile of painstaking jogging....at a slower than usual pace...but hey--better than laying on the couch, right? and now i feel like a million bucks. well, 50 and change, at least....

just bought the GREATEST little jacket. i think i'm going to seriously have to find a way to make sweet love to this jacket. it fills my soul with the song of a thousand nightengales..........

okay, kids are napping, time to go shower. anyone want to join me? i'm serious, I just installed a shower cam. what?

okay, so i tried to download a picture of a chastity belt, but it turns out that's actually a rather popular sexual fetish--who knew? oh well. that one was way more fun. looks like my newly forming church has a nemisis....=)

okay (did you notice i started the last three rather short paragraphs in a row with "okay"? i bet you did. yer kinda bright that way). anyway. where the fluck was i? hmmm. nope, it's gone. right out the window. i bet it was something really important, too. or at least interesting. or mildly amusing. okay, i'm not SURE it was any of those things, but i imagine it was probably better than THIS.

well, i hope you all have fabulous weekends and i am already looking forward to monday when i can tell you all about the hilarious hijinks and, most likely, kinky stuff that happens on my weekend getaway. neener neener.

sometimes life is just plain perfect

Well, my friend came and went. We had a lovely evening then she hauled me out of bed at 6 a.m. to say goodbye and I didn't even mind. Not much to report...she recommended some good books, gave me lots of good advice.

HOWEVER. The husband is so tricky!! He had me convinced that we were not going to go anywhere overnight for our late anniversary celebration, which was fine. But last night he said, "Be packed and ready to go by 6 tomorrow night." And we're not coming back until Sunday night. yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! He won't tell me where we're going. He is insisting that he doesn't know yet, but when i suggested calling around today to make a reservation somewhere he wouldn't let me do that either. so, i'll let you know. The best part is that i already cleaned the house and did all the laundry and got the guestroom ready (it had become our junk room....so it needed major gutting). so all i have to do is change the sheets and put fresh towels in the guest bath. EASY. cuz frankly, it took me aaaaaaaaaaaallll day yesterday to get everything done. and that would take some of the fun out of looking forward to the weekend off.

Okay, enough boring housewife stuff.

A couple of links for y'all

I know, i know. I keep promising to update my sidebar, but who has the time for all those extra keystrokes??? actually, that reminds me. i did this little typing test thing at my friend's house last night and I ended up around 70 wpm. pshaw. I started at 90, but then they were making fun of me and making me all nervous and i kept making little typos. dammit. oh well. i was actually under the impression that i type really slowly, so now i feel better. i guess that means i'm just a slow thinker......well, something's got to be responsible for my lengthy post times........whatev.

So, I almost think someone i know has linked this site before and i never read it, but oh well. It was in my favorite place to discover new blogs--which is the fresh blogs list. it's my compulsion: when i sign out I always scan that list for interesting names, and if i see one (yes, "if" not "when") then i read it and if it grabs me for whatever illogical reason, then i stick it on my favorites so i can link it later. cuz, like i said--who has time for such things??? (that's me, pretending to be all super important and busy.)

Okay, so the first one grabbed me because the title was a bit like mine: bored at work and it turns out she's just a dewey eyed new blogger and i think we all ought to welcome her with some muffins and balloons....or at least go check out her site.

And then later I noticed one called The Church of AAAArrggghhhh and it is some imaginative, fantastically delicious piratey writing. There are only a few posts, but they are long-ish and highly amusing. LOVE IT.