Wednesday, September 24, 2003

something triggered a memory

so i think i'll just let it flow.......

It was the summer after my freshman year of college (Brigham Young University) and I was home. My boyfriend and I had driven to the U of Maine campus at Orono to visit one of his friends...this friend was living with a girl and I just remember how deeply that struck a chord with me. I was very innocent of the ways of the world at that point....but i was learning. I was enchanted by the image of them, their small apartment, the coolness that emanated from them--the relaxed and grown-up way they seemed to be living. I wanted that. a tiny bolt of lightening surged through me as I wildly wished to accompany the boyfriend back to his college in upstate new york and recreate that scene with him. to ditch byu and live in sin with my rebound boy. the one i was convincing to fall hopelessly in love with me for no other reason than my selfish need to be loved and my desperate desire to be healed of my own heartbreak (unsuccessful). What a strange summer that was. what strange choices i made. teaching sunday school at church and arriving straight from my boyfriend's house after losing my virginity--feeling so intensely hypocritical that I wanted to cry but couldn't stop smiling.......feeling elated that i had finally made a choice on my own. and that it wasn't the way they always said it would be. And sex. great fun...Too scared to look at "it", so that after returning to byu and rather devoutly to celibacy (why???) for the following 2 years, then slowly making a re-entrance into the beautiful world of freedom and happiness of sex, i was vastly under-experienced for a non-virgin. but with the verbal coaching from B. and the enthusiastic hands on training of S....well, I was up to par in no time....that cute boy. I watched him walk past my living room window every day of that school year, not knowing his name.......but every time he passed I'd say to whichever roommate was present, "I'm going to marry that man." which was the mormon equivalent of, "I want to fuck him inside out and upside down!" Soo....I guess I was right. heh. god he was great. every time i'd go over to watch a movie it'd turn into a porn...nothing better than fucking in a byu apartment for a rush of danger--especially when half of his roommates were goody-two-shoes....danger!! woo! fear of getting caught....the passion, the urgency. he had been his high school quaterback.....big, hot--but with that streak of boyishness that just made me want to gobble him up. and he loved pearl jam. and primus--i remember his non-goody-two-shoes roommates blasting "my name is mud" and they were all just flying around the place.....and he loved cats. Sadly he ended up bowing to the pressure from family and peers and going back to the heart of that oppressive religion and going on a mission. it required a year of celibacy for him to prepare and i set him back a couple of times, but finally i went home for the summer, and when i came back he was serious enough about the church thing that i left him alone.

although the moral of the original story is that i have always been easily seduced by images. i am drawn to appearances, i am lured by false promises offered in the very surface of a scene. This is one of the hazards of a tv-rich society, i believe.

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