Thursday, September 04, 2003

drama's over

thank goodness.

i know i've said i like drama, but let's remember, i'm a gemini and we're well-noted for have two separate feelings or opinions about one subject. it's what i like to call "wishy-washy". yeah, that's me. i wish i wasn't like that, sometimes. i wish i could just stand firm and take my beliefs to the grave, but you know.....well, i just can usually see other people's points of view. Not on that specific drama situation, but just in general. I mean, I just hate conflict. and i have the ability to see life from many different perspectives. and did i mention i hate conflict?

I watched The Good Girl today, finally. it's one of those movies that i loved the first time, and the second time was different but it still held its impact. The opening, narrated lines* kick me in the gut. Not so much now as 6 months ago when i felt them, all the way to my toes, all the way through my flesh into the marrow of my bones, crackling with the electric shock of hearing something out loud that rings so true to me, to my life....cuz i'm happy now. For now. i hope i can stay this way--content, satisfied....but that's not really so much my waaaaaay. ya know? i'm a restless one, alright. if i'm content that's almost a bad thing, even if it's good. and it is. good. i'm happy and snuggly and feeling great about me, myself and i--and our life. kind of weird. probably just means something will go horribly wrong soon. or it'll all topple over. but what the hell--that's the fun of it. =)

i'm starting to get annoyed that blogger pro is offline. maybe i could learn how to do REAL html and just do this myself. snort. yeah right. the last thing i need right now is a new project. i already have 16.3 going and that's about my max. i'm supposed to be a part of two different book clubs but i haven't read a book for either of them yet for august and i don't know if i'll ever get around to it. the library is my enemy lately. they have shitty hours and no drive-up drop off. i know. i moved from the town that had the drive up and late hours almost 4 years ago, but i'm not over it, okay? i hated that city, with its overflowing population, most of whom were byu students or recent graduates or hopefuls or wannabes....

god, i hate them. i really need to go streak campus or something, and get it out of my system.... actually, i've considered starting an underground movement promoting sex. sex is a healthy thing for young adults to be doing and those folks are just sadly misguided. they marry the first person they don't hate just so they can fuck. and they're all scratching their heads wondering why the mormon divorce rate has skyrocketed over the past few years, overtaking the national average. hmmmm....i wonder. could it be, satan? oh wait, turned into the church lady for a second....what i mean is, maybe if they could feel free to have sex they wouldn't feel pressured to get married, cuz damn--hormones are hormones, and mormons have them just like everybody else. trust me, i was there, it's not a pretty feeling. you can easily become consumed by wondering what sex is like, cuz if making out feels so great, won't it be a zillion times better? you wonder. (hell yes, is the answer, by the way.) but you feel so evil for even wondering. and then you fall in love with some cute boy and you can't stand just making out anymore so you decide to get married. to hell with answering the important questions, like, will this person make a good parent, do i love him enough to last a lifetime, and will his nose hairs get out of control when he's 50? all you care about is getting his pants off. and yours. and the only way to do that is to marry him. friggin pathetic. if i was single, i'd devote all my free time to converting mormon guys to my religion: sex. i need to at least start passing out little flyers that say, "sex is good--don't wait" or something cute like that. jeeeeez. the worst part is, i can hear them now, tisking at how the devil got to me. fuck that. i choose life. not rules.

ahem. nice rant. yeah, you could say i'm a little bitter or something. it's just such a crazy ass way to live. depriving yourself of everything all the time. so if you wonder why i swear too much, that's the answer: i have 21 years of purity to purge from my system. =) which reminds me, someone left me a "private" comment the other day saying that if i didn't use so much foul language my blog would be better. i was dying to say, if you don't like it, fuck the fucking hell off. or something equally offensive, but since i don't like conflict....=) maybe i should tone it down a bit, but like i said to that person --it just wouldn't be me.

"As a girl you see the world like a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such, but one day you look around and you see a prison and you're on death row. and you wanna run or scream or cry but something's locking you up."--Justine, The Good Girl

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