another beautiful day in paradise

yes, i know...
"paradise" is stretching it a bit.
but i love me some good cliches--
had you noticed?

i know i say this ALL the time...
but i don't think i have anything to say today.
all i can think of is kid stuff.
but i've started a separate blog for that, cuz it doesn't really belong here.
so that brings me back to square one:
nothing to say.
i could tell a story, i guess.
fact or fiction?
um...
you decide.

once upon a time...
there was a girl.
the end.

shiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
i can't write today.
i should just go back to bed.
or run away with the circus.
or run to the top of a mountain and scream until i black out.
or climb a tree and hide up there until i get too hungry...
hm.
i sound like a little kid, don't I?
well, i guess i feel like one sometimes, too.

i want a new tattoo.
on my forehead.
that says, "FUCK OFF".

I want a week to myself.
completely alone.
in a cabin, somewhere isolated.
with no phone, no tv, and no internet.
--oh yeah, and no imaginary predators.
see, that would be the problem.
i LOVE the idea of being alone like that, but i know myself.
and i know that i would be paralyzed with fear as soon as the sun went down.
don't get me wrong--
i am not currently afraid of the dark.
but my imagination has a severe grudge against me, it seems.
only at the most inopportune moments does it dash in and make a scene.
it doesn't put on nearly so good a show when I summon it.
oh well.

I want my hair to grow faster, like it used to.

I want to remember to appreciate what i have.

I want to find a new template for this site...
it's been almost a year since i changed it.
which means it's been almost two years since i started this lame ass piece of shit.

the funny thing is...
reading this post, you'll probably think i'm in a bad mood--
a depressed state, if you will.
that is far from being the case, worry not.
i am a happy little lady bug--
see, i've learned something.
and that is:
maintaining a steady degree of happiness is not possible for a human.
my lows are not even as low as some people's highs...
i yearn, i dream, i want, i need--
but these feelings aren't bad.
they are what make me the person i am,
they are what separate me from the blissfully ignorant.
and in between times of pining over the green grass on everyone else's lawns...
i am intelligently blissful.
that sounds like a qualified state of happiness, but it's not.
not really...
i think that it means i'm aware of the past and the future,
that i'm aware of the rainbow of colors that life can be.
awareness.
and i'm not afraid of any of it.
however...
i should not take all the credit for this way of living that i have enjoyed for the past few years.
my husband is a huge part of this.
he has given me the stability that i was searching for--
a groundedness that has enabled me to dream bigger dreams than i ever dared before.
it's strange, though...
i still feel bound sometimes, held back.
probably because i am the most selfish creature ever to breathe.
and i want to fly away and explore every inch of the world, every mile of souls...
and have a safe nest to come home to.

i have a big project that i need to be focusing on...
so hopefully the bloggity blog won't suffer.
i'll keep you updated, if that happens, i promise.
this silly page is very important to me--and so are you.

so, have a great thursday and don't talk to strangers.
or run with scissors.
don't forget to brush--
or flush.
get ready to vote.

i'm not awake yet

so how is it possible that my fingers can move this quickly?
my brain is foggy, fluffy--unclear.
but i'll write something, goddammmit.
oh, it won't be something ripped with wit, charm or depth.
but it'll be something.
first--a bathroom break.

and that bathroom break turned into a breakfast-cooking break,
so now i'm awake.
at least technically.
i've always wished i could be a morning person...
and i almost am one, now.
don't ask my kids, though--they probably wouldn't agree.
i still shoot fire from my barely-opened eyes, but at least i don't spit rusty razors anymore...
my morning psychosis is near folklore status around here.
i once killed a girl for waking me before i was ready.
(okay, not really, but she did cry...friggin wuss)
and there's the classic story, which i've told here before,
of my husband sweetly saying, "i love you" and getting slapped with a grumbled, "you're a faggot."
yeah...
well!!
he should have known--after 4 years--not to expect coherant thought from me immediately upon waking.
jeeeez.
(he knows now...)

today i have to go to the court house and the police station.
sounds dark and mysterious, doesn't it?
it's not.
this is the circle jerk required for me to sign up for traffic school.
which i could TEACH, by the way.
i'm a great driver--defensive, aware, polite.
i haven't been pulled over for speeding in SEVEN years.
does this mean i don't speed?
HELL NO.
in fact, i'm amazed at my good luck, so i don't really mind the ticket.
i was way overdue.
and tomorrow's the deadline, so i hope i don't hit any snags.
wish me luck.
(or go fuck yourself.)

and now i can't think of anything else to say.
i've started and stopped several times--which is unusual for me.
i think that "go fuck yourself" line sorta threw me.
all i can think about now is that line.
and i didn't want to write about that...
i know, i know--it's a shock.
eh.
i'll blame it on the morning issue...
it's so nice to have excuses for things, places to carefully situate blame...
the twin thing used to be PERFECT for that.
i'd complain about being fat, and people would pipe up, "but you just had TWINS!"
i'd apologize for my messy house, "but you have TWINS!"
i'd be late, "oh, it must have been the TWINS!"
jeeez.
it wasn't MY idea, people just threw those at me.
i am not a big fan of making excuses, actually.
stand up and take responsibility, that's my motto.
unless it makes me look bad--then it's story time.
yes, i think i'm funny.
why do you ask?

i think i've successfully shaken any "real life" readers...
as in, people who know me in real life.
all but one, and she's cool.
which is not to say that they weren't ALL cool...
but, the thing is, having so many people read this who i am closely associated with...
well, it fucking SUCKED.
i did a pretty good job of just putting it out of my head when i wrote.
otherwise, i would have been a basket case.
but there were still plenty of things that ended up a little censored or left out altogether.
and the worst part was that my husband was the one tossing my URL around like candy at a parade.
so, it's nice to feel like i have a bit of my anonymity back.
and if i'm wrong...
well.
thanks for keeping your mouths shut, real lifers.

i had a fantastic bra-less day yesterday--i hope you all did, as well.

now it is time to do something productive.
(for me, not you. please feel free to waste the rest of your day--you have my permission)

Bra-less Tuesday

That's right.
i'll boycott if you will!
i did it last thursday and it was so much fun, i thought i'd try it again.
the only exception to this will be for work-out purposes.
that's just not healthy for the long-term life of the breast, you know.
oh, don't misunderstand--
i'm NO feminist.
hell, if anything, i'm closer to your traditional 80's "male chauvenist pig".
(or however you spell that)
and i don't mind bras in general.
but some days i'd rather not wear one.
(and on the plus side, it's freezing cold here today! heh.)
so join me--
we'll fly free today, girls!!

so yesterday i ran into a girl i used to work with at fucking BYU.
we flipped burgers in the snackbar my sophmore year.
trippy.

that reminds me...
we get little flyers on our door occasionally.
from the mormons.
inviting us to parties or whatever.
the most recent one was a list of events for the year...
the line i liked the best was:
"come join in some fun with people who share your values".
...uh.
last time i CHECKED--
i don't have a whole lot in common with these dipshit clones.
MY values?
how do they know what MY values are?
i'll ride with ya to the ten commandments, and that's about where it ends, asswipes.
in an effort to not get off on a rant here, i think i'll stop.
living in utah is nice.
living in utah is nice.
living in utah is nice.
living in utah is nice.
okay...
i feel better now.

my hips are sore from golfing.
isn't that hilarious?
well, not my hips, but the muscles connecting to my hips.
it's actually rather inconvenient.
...and i'll leave it at that.
but my husband said that means my swing is good.
yay!

do you know who i HATE?
people who buy large bags of chocolate type candy...
and LEAVE THEM AT MY HOUSE.
it's not fair.
i mean...it's not like i could actually NOT eat the stuff.
the idea of ME having enough self-control for something like that is...
ABSURD.
so, don't ever buy me desserts.
cuz then i'll love you and hate you, very intensely and simultaneously--
and the whole thing just gives me a headache.

i rearranged my kitchen yesterday.
it was super duper exciting.
so much so, in fact, that i had to use a word combination like "super duper" just to convey the sheer brilliance of it.
this is how boring my life is.
but i like it...
whenever i get restless, i just think about all the dreams of white-picket fence life i had when i was younger...
and here I am.
it's a little different than i imagined--
(i'm not julia roberts, i don't exlusively thrive on having a spotless house, and my husband doesn't wear a suit to work)
but it is just as good.

mondays are for masochists

ooooh, perhaps a new feature?
Masochist Mondays!
I could write about all the things we do to cause ourselves pain.
i think it could be a real upper.
hahahahaha.

okay, i don't have much to say today,
but there are a couple of blogs that i love, which i fear not enough people are reading.
and by "not enough" I mean...i will not rest until the whole world has partaken of the genius of these men!!!!
eh.
or something.

okay, first there's Matt, a Canadian college student who writes of politics and love with such insight that sometimes I am convinced that he is much older than his face. So go read Sex, Cocaine and Family Values...it's like watching the sun rise over the atlantic.

and then there's Whitey, who is a self-proclaimed big-word-overuser, but he does it so well!! Always entertaining, and as pleasurable to read as, well...it might as well be ribbed, okay?? (thought this site is by no means soley for "her pleasure") You're guaranteed to love it, or your money back!

so go--soak up their words and be glad i didn't feel like writing today.

hm.
i just realized that i may be using words as a way to hide from the real world.
though i'm not susre why i would do that...
cuz the "real world" i'm referring to is neither the MTV one nor my immediate family.
it's just the people outside my home i'm avoiding.
which is strange, because i'm a social addict (which is entirely differnt from a social drinker...)
it's more like, i'm addicted to social contact.
eh.
whatever.
just a random thought that flickered through my head.
so of course i had to puke it out here, cuz that's my way.

happy day, suckers!!

so much perfection in one day is hard to take

okay, i'm lying to make you feel better.
it actually goes down like cool water.
i golfed again and it was a fucking amazing day.
incredible weather, beautiful scenery, fresh air...
fabulous dinner, lively conversations.
lightening ripping through the sky--
enormous bolts of it, peppering the horizon.
driving the convertible again...
and then the rain started, and it smelled so good.
metallica: loud.
air: warm.
rain: refreshing.
lightening: purple.
it was a sensory feast.......
THIS.
days like THIS are what remind me that i'm alive and filled with good fortune.
days like this make me want to leap and sing and twirl.
days like this make my heart light--reminding me what's important.
days like this are what fairytales are made of.

today, my soul is bursting--
filled up so full i couldn't yearn if you paid me.
but i feel the shadow of awareness that this is not a permanent state,
and it makes me cherish this moment.
how empty i might feel another day...
how much more crisp and fresh and perfect and soft and sweet are days like this...
when tempered with the flat and lonely and aching and tired and shoved days.
balance.
it's all about balance.......

i wish you all a day like THIS.

sunday mornings used to be for church

what a foreign, strange-tasting sentence that was...
i think that was someone else.
certainly not ME.
...was it??

so last night i had dinner with a girlfriend.
her strawberry daquiri was much stronger than she had anticipated--
so we went to the bar, in order not to lose the buzz.
hehe.
we had beer, played pool (so much more badly than usual!!), and caught up.
it's been a long time since we had hung out, so it was good.
more than good--necessary, refreshing, healing.
then we found a spot at the bar and chatted with a couple of colorful characters.
one of them used to be a bass player for a bunch of different big name country acts, and has more jokes up his sleeve than...
uh. more than WHAT?
stupid analogies with no endings.
anyway, we had a blast.
then my husband joined us for a little bit, and we laughed even more.
it was a good night.

and i wish i could think of something else to say at this point...
but i can't.
and hell, it's sunday.
what do you expect?
no one else is even lame enough to be posting on a friggin sunday.
so there ya go.

it is time for me to cook breakfast.
and i get to go golfing later!!!
i'm sooooo excited!
i'll let you know how it goes...
whether you want to hear it or not.

aaahhhhh.....

today is a gooood day.
got up and cooked a lovely breakfast,
then went back to bed.
snuggled down with my husband--
the kids, too.
watching the USOpen.
then they got bored and wandered off.
so we took advantage of...uh...the situation, each other, whatever you wanna call it.

so i haven't mentioned the kitten in a while.
she is settling in nicely, etc.
the funny thing is that she is just like having another child.
which is NOT something i would have signed up for. heh.
just like the boys--
she climbs all over me and tries to eat my food and interferes when i'm typing.
oh well.
she's worth it.
and she had her surgery yesterday, to get spayed.
so now my pussy is shaved, just like my...pussy.
sorry.
couldn't resist.

i am feeling the urge to go out.
it's been a whole week, you know.
i want to get dressed up and go laugh somewhere.
hmm...
that sounded strange.
i can picture myself in a wig and a strange costume, huddled in a corner, laughing like a lunatic...
yikes.
maybe i'll just stay in.

for some reason i feel very much alive today.
it could be the dearly departed cold,
or maybe the morning sex.
or possibly it's just that i AM alive, and for once i'm aware of it.
i have some great ideas churning about in my head for National Novel Writing Month.
(if you haven't signed up yet, DO IT. like, now.)

i took a bit of a break in the middle of writing this.
and now i'm back...
and i feel like a squished bug.
just thought i'd update that for ya.

and i don't have anything else to say.
but you could go check out the big fat spider i found, on buzznet.
it's pretty evil looking.
or you could go amuse yourself.
or abuse yourself.
or hate yourself for loving me.
haha--
that's generally what ends up happening, so i hear.
if it makes you feel any better, i'm getting fat(ter).
and i forgot to shave my legs today.
but i am still a great cook.
and a great lay.
and a lot of fun to hang out with.
so...
i dunno.
add it up.

and if i'm still making sense, then i'm a monkey's uncle.
and THAT made so little sense that i'm prettysure it's time for me to go.
and by "go" i mean...
the warden is here, and it's time for lock down in the psych. ward.

party safely, kiddos.
and dream of ME, for god's sake.

sometimes there are 2 fortunes in one cookie....

which is sort of like doing two posts in one day.
only more reading and less eating.
(you can still put "in bed" at the end of everything i say, if you want, though.)

i'm having a great hair day, and i thought you should know.
i would take a picture, just cuz i'm in that kind of mood, but i rarely look the same in a picture as i do in person.
i'm not sure why it is...
it's like the softness of the curls doesn't show up in two dimensions...
the sun kissed skin of my cheeks and shoulders doesn't look any different than the rest of my paleness, under the glare of a flash.
do i sound more narcissistic than usual?
eh.
it's not really that.
it's that usually, i just look like me.
but sometimes...
i look like...me, but with a sprinkling of magic.
or maybe i just like writing.

the mountains look incredible.
i need to get some pictures.
they stayed green all summer, due to the amazing amounts of rain...
and now the leaves are changing--
it seems so early for that.
it's 90 degrees here today, the first damn week of september!
and the mountains are orange and green.
it's nice.
i need to take the boys hiking.
maybe sunday.
maybe the hot springs.
eh.
that's two miles each way.
i guess they might be too little for that.
but if any of you come here, i'll take you there.
okay, not really.
but i'll give you directions, so you can go.
cuz it's not to be missed.

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, but my kids aren't cooperating.
we're sitting on the front porch, eating ice cream.
well, we WERE.
they both just dumped theirs out.
one of them stuck his bare feet in it and wiggled them around.
psh.
yeah, they're in "time out" now.
so who wants a beer?

thursdays are the coolest days of the week

besides saturdays.
and sundays.
uh...??
and maybe fridays.
okay!!!
i'll stop.
i like thursdays a great deal, though.

so today was the first day of preschool, for the twinlets.
did you hear that?
it was the most enormous sigh of relief, laced with a heart palpitation.
i'm so excited to have a couple of hours TOTALLY free a few times a week....
i don't even know what i'll do with myself!!!

i got a new pearl jam album today.
i know...
none of you give a rat's hairy, smelly hind end.
but it is fantastic.
Live at Benaroya Hall has mostly older stuff, and B sides--and it's, well...LIVE.
so i'm super dee dooper excited.
and fuck you.

what with being sick, and the long weekend, i hadn't been to the gym in almost a week.
so today's workout felt extra wonderful.
GOD i love feeling my body work.
...and i had forgotten how much i love Cute Boy Wednesdays.
of course, it morphed into a more literal cute "boy" day, as school got out and the OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE SO YOUNG high schoolers got there.
eh.
i'm getting old.

oh!
i know why i love thursdays!!
that's when i write fantasy friday...
woo hoo.

okay.
enough of this drive.l.
time for Bed>
and besides, my cat is trying to eat my fingers as i type, and it;s becompingn dIFFICULT.

faaaaack.

my kids have discovered the joys of makeup...

my kids have discovered the joys of makeup...

they're boys, let's don't forget.
i had this little makeup bag full of the old clinique stuff i used to wear.
back when i was attending the shallowest fucking
university in this country.
back before i realized i look better without makeup.
back before i realized i live better without religion.
oops, almost got off on a rant there...
so they found this stuff.
and to them it's nice little green boxes that open and close...
with brushes and sticks and mirrors inside...
well.
they asked where the pink stuff goes, so i showed them.
they asked if they could wear some.
at first i said, 'no--makeup is for girls.'
then they said, 'i want to exercise so i can wear makeup.'
uh...WTF the fuck??
(yes, i realize that was redundant, but i love acronyms and "the F word"
equally...)
anyway, i asked what they meant by this.
turns out, that in their minds, girls exercise (mom goes to the gym), so if
they exercise they could be girls, and then they could wear makeup.
it's funny how inside out and upside down that theory is.
but, they had a good point.
so i let 'em.
i should have taken pictures of their bright red faces...
i told them they were warriors.
so...
hopefully they won't be pansies.
and if so, y'know what?
i don't care.
i wanted daughters anyway.
(although, for the record, they're 100% boy.)
they wrestle and run and splash in mud puddles and climb--
they can even throw well.
and i sure as hell can't do that.

so i hope you all had a skid-free tuesday,
and are ready to dive into a smooth as butter hump day.
hmm....
having sex in a tub of slightly softened butter sounds fun.
i had a good friend, back at my first job, who had sex in a bathtub full of
jello.
she said it caused...
problems.
wink wink.
she was the coolest person i had ever met.
30-ish.
funny as hell.
her name was also Lisa, but she was rather tall and bigger boned/chubby.
so i was Little Lisa.
god DAMN i learned a lot at that job...
the owner's sons were all gay, and cooked there.
another cook looked like a pirate.
then there was the dishwasher who was my first younger boy crush.
...too bad i was a virgin back then, i coulda--eh, nevermind.
that place was soooo great.
they were like family...
they used to write me group letters when i went off to college.
then they sold the joint.
psh.
some fucking family.
somehow i think that contributed to my eventual dropping out and living on
the streets giving handjobs for crack...
oh wait...
that's a song from the south park movie.
well, whatever.

being sick is stupid.
i quit.

i suppose...

the thing to do would be to write a post.
since it's a new day.
but i don't have it in me right now.
i have caused pain to someone dear to me.
i don't know what i did, but i have to fix it.
and sometimes it's all just too much.
sometimes i'm tired.

but it's a beautiful day, and it'll all work out.

so.
i hope you all had a fabulous 3-day weekend.
i sure did, including being sick for half of it.
being sick didn't get me down--
it's nice to be sick when you're at home with nothing that needs doing.
and golfing was wonderful.
now that i've been twice, and love it,
we're going to get some clubs for me,
and that should improve my game even more.
oh, i suck still.
don't get me wrong.
but out of 9 holes, there were a few that i was only 3 strokes over par.
and the rest were about 6 or 7 over...
bleh.
we had to leave at the 9 because there was a bbq.
which i got to skip because i was sick and sunburned and tired from golfing sick.
what a wuss.
anyway, i love golfing.
i am now an official addict.
i need to learn to control my swing better.
there was a really short 3 par and i over shot the green...
yes, from the red tee box, the ladies tee box.
but still.
i was thrilled!!
okay okay, i'll stop talking about golf.

this took my mind off my drama for a minute.
now i guess i'll go shower.
have a great tuesday, folks.
and whenever you're feeling glum, think, "hey, it's not monday, it's tuesday!!"
and that's a good thing.
(in case your math skills suck, or you're just plain an idiot, that means you're one day closer to friday than you might have thought.)

all pissed off and nowhere to go

just kidding.
but i really like the sound of that.

and on a related note...
i don't understand men.
i really don't.
okay, maybe it's ME i don't understand.
but either way, i'm confused.

and i'm still sick.
so i skipped the family bbq--
hey, it was only fair:
hubby skipped my family's dinner yesterday,
and i'm skipping his family's dinner today.
have i mentioned lately how fantastic my husband is?
he's like...the greatest spouse on earth.
only more fun.
and better in bed.

so anyway, i'm home alone.
and i have to say, i feel a little guilty.
i could have gone.
i'm not deathly ill or anything.
but i weighed the two options carefully:
drag ornery kids to bbq, talk to a bunch of people, eat standing up while scolding my kids, then drive to SLC to return step son, and all the way home again--with ORNERY KIDS...
OR
do absolutely nothing, in an empty house.
yeah.
it was a no brainer.
which is good...
cuz i have no brain today.
feel free to slap your knee on that one.
(or my face, whichever seems more appropriate)

of my many colorful dreams last night, there was one involving sex with a nerdy guy at BYU.
this bothers me on so many levels.

i think that perhaps..instead of spending my entire evening in front of this blasted machine, i'll do something productive.
like watch a movie.
heh.
hey!
i'm sick.
although my house could use a thorough scrubbing down...
the step son weekends always seem to result in twice the mess.
not his fault, just...
we're busier and well, okay, he's a bit of a slob.
oh, who am i kidding?
i'd chose the net over the tube any day of the week.
so here i'll sit.
prowling about, to see if anyone's posted news of their weekend adventures yet.
or maybe i'll even get around to fucking with my links list.
or write up a fantasy friday ahead of time.
nah.
the way i feel it would be something like:
so there i lay.
snuggled into my down bed, with a cup of chai tea.
and in he walked.
with a nod i knew what he wanted, and i obediently rolled to my stomach.
as his hands worked their magic, a low moan escaped my lips.
soon his rhythm had rocked me into complacency...
harder, i whispered.
deeper.
yeah, that's right: a massage therapist.

you guys are a bunch of perverts.
i'm telling...

labor day sucks

and so does deleting half a post.
and so does being sick.
...and losing half a post when you're sick.
stuffy nose.
sore throat.
headache.
bleh.
i'm sure i'll live...
and at least my husband is home from work today so i can be pampered a bit.
yay!
AND.
at least the U.S. Open is on.
i loooooove tennis.
so, okay, maybe today is a good day after all.
but i did manage to wake up every hour last night.
due to a dryness of throat so severe as to impair my ability to swallow.
(what a fucking pretentious sentence that was. jesus.)
the cool thing about waking up so much is that i remember tons of dreams.
they were crazy.

did i tell you i got pulled over for speeding the other day?
i can't believe i forgot.
my kids were highly impressed.
i was mostly just shocked that i haven't been pulled over more.
i was going 49 in a 30...
fucking stupid.
i was my usual cheery self
and i could tell he didn't want to give me a ticket,
but.
he did.
a much smaller one than it should have been.
gee, thanks.

and i think.
now.
i.
will.
go.
back.
to.
bed.

tell me you love me--
(or kick my ass for whining. i probably deserve that more!)

no one's here so why am i writing??

just cuz.

and i am sitting here.
not writing.
not even thinking.
just staring.
so probably that means i shouldn't have even bothered.
since a properly functioning brain is one of the most important parts of writing.
oh, i'm not saying it's crucial, just sorta...a bonus.
yeah.
i mean, shit--
i usually write with only about 3 of my 8 cylinders firing.
hm.
today, though...it's more like someone pushed the "pause" button...
...........okay, who has the remote?


i am fasinated by giant squid.
and somehow, i think if i ever meet one, it'll be fasinated by me.

we took the kids bowling today.
they beat me.
they're FOUR.
i even used bumpers...
this was highly depressing.
i think my athletic insufficiencies could be explained by one simple statement:
i don't give a shit.
when i remember to aim, i do alright.
but i usually forget...
because i don't give a shit.
oh well.

i think i'm going to go take a nap.
this is very uncharacteristic of me, in case you're wondering.
and i usually regret it.

we're off to see the...wizard?

nah, not him.
smarmy old bastard.
We're off to see the airplane museum.
the boys will love it.
and hopefully i'll survive.
just kidding.

went out with Becky again last night.
she met a boy.
who worked for the band.
who i promised to link.
but i can't remember their website.
they were good, though, so if i find it, i'll throw it up.
(and not in a vomiting sense)

i am trying really hard NOT to tell you about the breakfast i just made.
why?
because that would be the most boring shit i've ever spewed.
(even though it was delish.)

so instead, i'll go.
...shower time.
if you ask reallllly nicely, i'll take you with me.
(well, only if you're hot).

fantasy

i don't have SHIT to write tonight.
you want a friggin' fantasy??
here's what i have--

my small hand in your big one.
we walk along the edge of the sand,
waves lapping at our bare feet.
the sun is setting, the beach is empty.
we are both pre-occupied with thoughts of this first kiss...
not wanting to

fuck this.
you know as well as i do that i can't force myself to write.
i'm going to bed.
i WILL write something in the morning.
just know, i am beating myself up over this, feeling like i've let you down.
bleh.
stupid girl.

check back in a around noon...

i don't know but i've been told

...a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.

hey, don't ask me.
i didn't write it.
also brings to mind my question--
what IS he talking about when he says he's going to make her burn and make her sting?
sounds threatening.
yet strangely arousing.
okay, fine.
nothing strange about it.

and now that i've finished with my zep rant of the month...

i don't necessarily think i have anything to say.
although...
i have been known to think that, and been wrong.

it's been a strange week.
my best friend in the blog world is on vacation...
i find myself pacing around, looking for something that's not there.
we have been each other's escape from boredom for months.
and now.
i'm all alone,
but i think i'm going to make it.
(i am so vigorously rolling my eyes at my dramatics that i'm getting a headache)
it is rather humorous to note how much someone can affect my life--
someone i'll never meet.
so...if i look a bit mopey, or act a bit dopey...
keep your snickers to yourself.
unless we're talking Snickers...cuz...i like those.
they really do satisfy.
(and so do I)
either that or I'm a sucker for good advertising.
(or just plain "a good sucker"...)

i was reading somewhere that there is a way to remove one's blog from the google searches.
in the Blogger FAQ section it tells how.
at first i was THRILLED by this, thinking how nice it would be to stop getting so many hits from people searching for porn.
but then i thought...
i LOVE people who find me by searching for porn!!
and things such as:
* "down jacket" fetish
* what to do with a bored wife
* sex with a housewife
(or my new favorite, which i've now seen on 3 separate occassions...)
* bored wife lisa
cuz doesn't that last one sound like they know who they're looking for??
the visits are long on that one, and i'm assuming it's a repeat customer.
i mean reader.
ahem.
so anyway, i'm still tossing that idea around.
to google or not to google.
that is the question...

sometimes...
when i read back over what i've written ,
(which i don't do very often)
i wonder if i was on on drugs when i wrote it.
it's quite possible that someone is lacing my thyroid pill with acid.
okay...
maybe "quite possible" is a bit of a stretch.

sometimes i'm afraid i've lost touch with a part of me that is very important...
but i don't know what part it is.
i feel like i should be sitting in a bungalow on a bright, sunny beach.
alone.
writing.
sometimes i think too hard about the wrong things, although hard is the wrong word.
thinking isn't hard.
sometimes i think too long--distance, not time--about the wrong things, maybe that's it.
yeah.
i follow a thread of thought so far that i get tired.
there is darkness around, quiet and comfortable, and yet.
i am finished with it.
other times i forget to think about things until it is too late.
preferring to just live and feel.
i think that one day...
one day i will write something on a bathroom wall.
or not give the polite response in an uncomfortable situation.
one day i will drop the ball--
although my pattern of behavior would indicate that it would be an event more comparable to throwing a ball...

walking in a cloud is so different from walking on clouds.
...but i do both.

again...the roaring rumble of a harley outside my window.
the most purely beautiful sound on earth...
whispering to the deepest part of the inside me.
calling to that restless wanderer i ignore and neglect...
hoping to out-grow the feeling.
the need to drive fast and far.
the urge to be nameless.
i am a two headed beast--or a sweet girl with two solid but opposite ideas about life.

and then i say, fuck this, i'm going to bed.

and sadly, most of you won't read this until morning.
i wonder what you're all doing right now...
as i write.
i hope you're getting laid.
or having wonderful dreams.
or waking to the sound of rain.
or walking the dog under this gorgeous moon.
and do me a favor--if you haven't left a comment before, do it today.
it'll make me smile.
and when i'm happy, i take pictures of my rack.
which reminds me, new posts on buzznet.
okay, bed i said.
maybe i'll even dream of you...

concerts, convertibles and crack

okay, no crack.

concert was good.
..ish.
driving my brother in law's beamer home after was more fun though.
with my shoes off.
and my music up.
and...
for a brief moment (or several)--
my hands off the wheel.
reaching up, into the wind.
and the best news was when the guys called, from my car, to say i had beat them by 60 blocks and i needed to backtrack and meet them.
aww...BUMMER.
know what's better than driving alone with good tunes?
that's right: nothing.
so, back to the concert.

there were 3 or 4 people between us and the stage.
but this was more due to apathy than ability...
and, maybe i'm a heartless bitch, but--
13 year old girls do NOT belong in the front row of a rock concert.
and if they are lucky enough to be there, they better damn well be ready to get trampled.

it was nice.
the bassist for puddle of mud was quite hot.
i spent half of their set imagining--
hehehe.
nevermind.
no, it's not what you think: it's WAY more embarassing.
i was imagining...
having the chance to interview him...
on an audioblog.
yeah.
i need a life--BADLY.
oh well.
and just behind us were Adonis & barbie...
from MY GYM!!!
i'm going to have to choose a new name for him.
does NOT look like a greek god with his new haircut.
still pretty, just not god like.
and in case anyone's unfamiliar, i view him like a piece of art, not a man.
anyway.
the chick with him is the little hottie with fake tits who works out in flip flops.
(i just realized she may have heard that men find "thongs" sexy...hmm....)
...so they're a perfect couple.
she looked amazing, but SO wrong for a rock concert.
it was kinda funny.
especially a wannabe rock concert, by the way.
i mean, dressing up all hotsy for a BIG name band, sure...but fucking nickelback?
nickelback did a metallica cover
and that was the most excited i got til i slid behind the wheel of the smooth ride.

in our circle, we refer to ALL of these bands as "Puddle of NickelCreed"...
cuz, let's face it--they all sorta blend.
this brings me to my next point:
my favorite songs by each band are so similar that they could have been written and performed by the same people.
and when i say "favorite" please realize that i'm saying they each have a song i like.
they both talk about aggressive sex, surprise surprise.

so here's my next rant...
rock concerts are for pussies these days.
seriously!
i have not had a single externally inflicted injury in years.
blisters from wearing the wrong shoes, sure.
but bruises? no.
and not a single broken toe, for god's sake!!
everyone's polite.
a mosh pit formed right behind us for a few minutes...
and boy oh boy did i ache for my Doc's...
in which my feet are sufficiently protected for me to dive in and slam against the others.
i'll post a picture of the shoes i was wearing in the morning.
stupid girl.
so, no moshing for me, but damn i miss it.

okay.
i think this might be enough rambling incoherancy for me.
it is now 3am.
fuu-uuu-u-uck.
i'm wide awake.
but writing this hasn't helped, so i'll go rock myself to sleep.
uh.
not like THAT.
i would certainly not need to rock myself if that was what i was talking about.
marriage is handy for such things.
did i REALLY just say "handy"?
jesus.
shoot me.

Just snagged a great link...

over at The Real World...Blogger Style.

you MUST click here--to pornolize your site.
or here, to see mine.

do it.
NOW.

is it time for me to kick some ass?

i think it might be.
...so who's first?
what, no takers??
how about if i sweeten the pot a little?
i'll kick your ass, relentlessly--but i'll do it topless.
there.
that's better.
line up by age; i'll start with the oldest.

so my husband took my laptop to work today.
and i'm kind of off-kilter, trying to use his.
i mean, for starters, the 21-inch monitor is rough...
i have to turn my friggin head just to see everything.
and the 'F' key works.
that's just plain confusing.

watched Kill Bill vol. 2 last night.
loved it.
i actually enjoyed it even more than vol. 1.
and not JUST because Pisser's ass is in it.
(but mostly).

also, i woke up with a severe case of stomach issues.
good times.

the good news is, i'm currently in negotiations for going to an outdoor concert tonight.
i like, don't love the bands--but it's still live rock and it's outside.
that's all i need.
that and front row joe, a.k.a my brother in law.
as i've said before, going to concerts is pointless if you're not in reaching distance of the performers.
i might even take an extra bra to throw on stage.
or some nude photos with my URL...
heh.
not a bad idea, actually.

oh, and if i don't end up going to the show, it's girl's poker night.
so either way--today is a good day.
make yours good, too.
(that's an order, dammit! no whiners welcome!!)

mondays are for sissies

that's right, punk.
you heard me.
so you can take your god damned monday and shove it up your ill-formed ass.

i think i know what my problem is.
music.
i haven't listened to enough music--loudly enough, solitarily enough--for a really long time.
and it makes me itch...
on the inside.
i need to fly away.
i need to peel of my skin and scratch my musical itch.
i need to fill myself up with the cool water of peace and quiet--
the kind of peace and quiet that is neither peaceful nor restful.
the kind of peace and quiet that would rock me to the tips of my toes.
the kind of peace and quiet that would shake me up and let all my pieces settle down into their rightful alignment.
i want to sing along and sound awful.
i want to shout the words out and laugh at the emptiness around me as my voice falls on my ears alone.
i want to lie still and breathe in the music, letting it be a part of me again as it always was.
i want it to trickle down through me at first, then flood and spill over, causing me to trip on all the notes--the sharps, the flats, the chords...
i want to float on the sound waves...
i want to swim naked in the colors of music...

a deep growl is building inside

for no reason at all.
this lack of purpose makes me even more angry.
usually a good workout will kick any bad mood's ass.
not today.
i beat the shit out of a punching bag.
that helped.
for a minute.
i just ate some chocolate...
the sun is starting to shine.
how sick is that??
apparently i have an addiction or something.

anyway, i felt like i owed you folks a better post.
don't get your hopes up--i make no promises.
maybe i'll tell ya the dirty details of my weekend.
or maybe not.
maybe i'll toss a web cam into my shower and set up a live feed.
or maybe not.
maybe i'll stretch and yawn and scratch my ass.
yeah, that sounds good.
minus the ass scratching.
there weren't even any cute boys at the fucking gym today.
what the hell is THAT all about??
i can't decide if that contributed to my bad mood or not, though.
normally i would say it had, but today...i don't know.
i was feeling generally crotchety.
like i'd sooner rip off their balls than bat my eyes.
or punch one of them right in the nose, rather than do a curtesy "bend over nice and slow to pick up that weight so the cute boys can see my thong".
what?
i don't ever actually DO that.
way too trashy for me.
i know what you're thinking...
nothing's too trashy for YOU, Lisa!!
this may be true in cyberspace, but not in real life.
so back the fuck off, fuckers.
again, keep your damn judgements to yourself.
i'm a woman on the edge.
...or somewhere within sight of the edge, at the very least.

i'm glad the growls have receded...
my other half will be home soon and i hate being grumpy for no reason when he gets here.
i'm hungry.
erm.
maybe that's why i was so fucking ornery.
jesus.
i don't know where my head is.
i usually know myself better than that.
oh well.

well.
i said i couldn't promise a better post...
and i think that's good.
no expectations means no disappointment.
so go fuck yourself, or the nearest willing warm body.
i'll be back tomorrow.

today is one of those days...

one of those days where i'll dream a lot.
one of those days where i'll forget important things, in the real world, and drift a lot.
one of those days where i'll drive with my windows down, my music up, and my arm weaving the air out my window.
today is one of those days where i'll get a great workout and read my new book.
i think today is going to be a beautiful day.

i bought some old lady face cream yesterday...
some anti-wrinkle shit, for around the eyes.
i'm thinking of putting it on my feet...

have i mentioned how sorely disappointed i have been lately, regarding the predictability of movies?
yeah.
i've seen some real crap.
(bourne supremacy, spiderman 2)
but on saturday we saw Hero, and i was breathless.

also, don't forget: only two months until November 1st.
which means...
NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH.
be there or be square, bitches.

jeez.
to hell with this being such a great day--
i can't even write.
you know what would be cool, though?
if i was a cartoon, and i could use a flower as a parachute.
or if i was a butterfly...
okay, so maybe my kids are watching A Bug's Life right now...
and i'm getting distracted.
and to further that distraction, i think i'll just go ahead and log in to 14 different instant message services.
maybe make a phone call.
and fuck this post.
ew...that's quite a visual.
anyway.
bye.

sunday night and i feel alright

actually, i feel exhausted.
but in a good way.
a sunburned, tired body way.
a shoppped til i dropped way.
a partied til the break of dawn way.
a rented 3 DVD's friday and haven't had time to watch them yet way.
so there.

I golfed with my husband today.
and it was a perfect day for it.
the sky was clear blue--i thought there was not a cloud in it.
but.
there was one, very small and sweet, snuggled up next to Mount Timpanoogas.
but that was it.
and the air was cool and warm at the same time...
gorgeous.
and i even hit a few good balls.
i think i might be hooked.
it really great.

um...
and last night we had dinner with some good friends, and drinks wtih some other friends.
and karaoke later.
during which some drunken rednecks (one of whom looked EXACTLY like john malkovich, but with a mullet) threw a glass to protest the long wait to sing (that statement is dripping with oxymorons...) and a shard of glass hit our friend in the head, causing a great deal of blood.
yeah, baby!!
cowboy bars.
so the bouncer had a word with them...
not sure what he said, but it resulted in the offender being shoved into a table, which then toppled.
hot damn, i haven't had that much excitment since the Perry Mason marathon on TNT last year.

or something.
but it did make me giggle.

AND i wasn't kidding when i said i shopped til i dropped.
exaggerating?
yes.
a bit.
there wasn't actual droppage...
but i did an orgasmic amount of shopping.
again, i don't exaggerate.
spending money releases a large amount of dopamine into my system.
school clothes for the boys, and some clothes for me.
some UGG shoes, like the boots only not so trendy/ugly.
...that lining is to die for, i'll give the celebs that.
i think i may end up wearing those shoes 24 hours a day.
might be a little awkward during sex.
or at the gym.
or swimming...
but i don't think i'll care.
it's like have ten thousand kitten lick your feet at all times.
or walking in clouds--only warm...uh...cuz as fluffy and soft as clouds LOOK, well...
they're rather cool and more like mist than cotton candy when you're inside them.
don't ask me how i know.

i stumbled into telling my mom about my fantasy friday stories today.
in a phone conversation...
while shoe shopping.
if you hadn't heard:
my mom is the greatest.
she's an angel on earth.
she's the most "good" person i know.
(although that reminds me that i when i told her i'd take her to The Outback next time she's here since they don't have one anywhere near where they live if she was good...she said, "how would you know if i had been good? the bad things i do, no one knows about." freaked me the fuck out!!)
anywho.
she was ultra supportive and enthusiastic, laughingly demurring from reading them...

and i think i'm going to pass out now.
i'm not sure why i'm so tired.
but if any of you think you might like to try the new mountain dew flavor: pitch black?
do not waste the buck.
or the energy.
or the time.
or the plastic/aluminum.
okay, it's not THAT bad.
but i'd rather drink Moxie.

okay, back to the sleep thing.
yes, it's 8:30pm.
i'm almost 30, so go fuck yourself.

what the FUCK day is it??

oh yeah.
thursday.
one of my top 7 favorite days of the week.
yes, i know.
that was LAME.
...don't pretend to be surprised.
i am the queen of lame.
or at least the grand dame of lame...
but that's annoying, because dame and lame don't actually rhyme.
if you pronounce it frenchly, at least.
what?
don't look at me like that--"frenchly" is a word.
cuz i said so.

i did it.
i made brownies today.
stupid girl.
i used to be effortlessly thin.
then i got married...
gained a few.
got pregnant.
gained an average amount.
sat at home with twins...
depression set in and i turned to food for joy...
i should have just had more sex.
anywho.
i ALMOST have my body back.
so i should quit whining.
that is soooo not what you guys come here for.
did i just say "come"?
what i meant was "cum"...
you might think i'm not this dirty mouthed/minded in real life...
but you'd be wrong.
i am married to the foulest man on the planet (handsome sweet devil that he is...)
and i keep up.
hell, sometimes i even gross HIM out.

i need a beer.
(for the record, i wrote this at 8 wednesday NIGHT, and changed the post time)
i don't drink in the morning.
and i DON'T drink around my kids.
...even if sometimes i'd like to!!
you don't come here for that crap either.

i've been a little more sexually charged this week, than usual.
so...
let's carry on the trend.
make this full frontal sex week.

****
(my favorite beginning for one of these...)

if you were here...
i would climb you,
pull you to me...
i would lick you,
suck you,
bite you.
if you were here,
i just might cry
with a smile on my face.
i just might cum...
with you on my face...
if you were here
there would be no words.
there would be breathing and sweating and needing and moaning.
there would be shudders.
there would be sighs.
if you were here.



i know it feels like friday, but it's not...
happy thursday, kids.

i'm hungry

just thought you should know.
and not so much "like a wolf".
more like...a girl.
yeah, i'm hungry like a girl who is...ready for lunch.
sexy, innit?
oooh, and i just craved pumpkin bread.
what the fuck??

i should have something wild and wonderful to say today.
i should tell you about the time i stood on the hot tar of a rooftop...
and willed my body to leap to the next house...
how the tar burned and scraped my feet when i landed, breathless.
i could tell you how the air felt different up there...
and the city looked smaller.
i could tell you that with each building, my feet grew tougher--my legs grew stronger.
it felt like flying...
but my arms were not out, like superman, they flew around at my sides, not quite within my control.
it was an exhilaration to match nothing i've ever known.
i could tell you that on one of those rooftops there stood a man...
about to jump.
but not out and across, like me...
down.
there was a sadness hanging around him...
he had lost hope.
but his eyes were so beautiful, and his lips.
i spoke softly, so i wouldn't startle him.
he turned, angry at first, then confused.
this was his most private, anguished moment...
and i had barged into it.
i reached out my hand--
not daring to breathe.
he let out the longest sigh i've ever seen,
two small tears glistening on his cheek,
and put his hand in mine.
he stepped away from the edge.
without a word, i took him in my arms and we sat together in a heap.
he held on so tightly it was as if he had already slipped over the edge and i was his only handhold.
he sobbed.
...so did I.
and as the sun began to set...
he sat back and looked at me.
we stood, and i walked down the stairs with him.
I didn't fly from rooftops anymore.
******

not sure where that came from.
just sorta fell out of my head.
heh.
it's a happy day in Lisa Land, though.
and i hope you all have the same.

i'm going to go eat.

all quiet on the western front...

or at least, i live in the west, and my kids are napping.
hallelujah, praise the lord.

i even did an audio post this morning, just like i said i would.
but.
i was in an area with crappy reception.
and while i was listening to the playback
(and discovering that it sounded like shit)
i dropped the call entirely.
fork that.
i might redo it, if i can find the emotional energy...
i'm rather spent from losing something so valuable, you see.
yes, i'm being melodramaticalistic.
because it's fun.
so there.

i thought i had something to say.
mostly just the apology for losing the post.
i had a busy morning, and i'm cold and hungry...
and i shouldn't be cold OR hungry...
it's august, for chirssake's, AND i had a bun-less burger and a salad only two hours ago.
august=hot as hell, food=full.
apparently not.
so maybe i'll go put some slippers and a robe on...
walk around looking like some fucking bag lady.
and eat something highly unhealthy.

bag lady out.

I hope you have a GREAT Monday

no, really i do.
cuz i know that in the working world, mondays are a bit painful.
...not in the same way as knee surgery, but more like--
"aching for the freedom of the weekend, and gearing up for a lot of work in the coming 5 days" way.
shitty.
we could make monday naked blogging day, so that you have that to look forward to.
OH LORD.
i just remembered i had a dream about bloggers last night.
doesn't happen often, but when it does it always cracks me up.

i don't have anything earth-shattering to say at the moment (nor do i ever...)
but...
i will make an audio post in a few minutes.
...in which i will tell the tale of my foot finding its way so soundly into my mouth that i almost cried.

happy monday, suckers!!!
and if you get the chance--suck well. ;)

some days i hate blogs

but most days i love them.
wildly, freely, and with passion to spare.

some days i hate traffic...
but more often, i turn the stereo up and luxuriate in the fact that i don't have to keep a schedule.

some days i hate utah.
but most of the time i don't even think about it anymore.

some days i hate.
but most days i radiate love and joy and peace.

i bought drano today.
and nearly left my children at the store.
on purpose.
nah, they did okay for the most part.
and they were damn cute after their nap--
god bless rested pre-schoolers.

it's sunday.
don't forget to make it a day of rest.

saturday mornings and hangovers...

go together like a horse and carriage.
or soemthing.

had a bit of a girls' night out last night.
Becky and I tore up the town.
...or at least sang some really bad karaoke.
speaking only for myself there, of course.
she can actually hit notes.
me?
i swat and miss, for the most part.
but it was good times.
we laughed a lot and danced some.
the main thing is that i drank too much.
fortunately she didn't.
but i was a bit staggery.
and i just realized something.
the last thing i remember, i was naked.
and i'm wearing pajamas now.
my shirt was on inside out and backwards.
eh maybe i put them on and i just can't remember...
better call the mr. and ask him.
that would be so cute if he dressed me--i hate sleeping naked.
i know, i know.
that's highly un-sexy.
i don't mind wandering around the house naked.
or cooking naked.
or doing much of anything naked--besides sleep.
so make a note of it.
heh.

i believe i successfully wiped out my hangover with watermelon.
could be a new cure.
i feel almost whole, at this point.

my kitten has taken to sleeping on my pillow.
while i'm using it.
it's not so bad, but...
i'm just not a fan of having pussy in my face.
sorry--
couldn't resist.

and now i think i'll go do something productive.
i've added some new blogs to my listy list, and you should read them.
and i'll be adding some new buzznet pictures in a minute.
nothing to get too excited about, but check em out.

so what's the deal folks??

i get no comments unless i talk dirty??

okay, fine.

i was on my front porch last night.
and i heard the rumble of a harley, over the sound of the thunder.
instead of speeding up again after it rounded the corner, it slowed.
and stopped.
a very sexy young man gave me the nod--
the "get your ass over here" nod.
so i did.
and we roared off into the night.
he fucked me.
i fucked him.
it was great.

you guys suck.

just before sunset...

there was the most glorious thunderstorm.
i took my kids outside and we sat on the grass and watched it come.
there was one small cloud perched next to the enormous bank of clouds--
and we used that as our marker.
it was moving fast, soon that cloud was over us--and HUGE.
there were giant daggers of lightening and claps of thunder, which grew louder as the storm neared.
the rain didn't arrive until very late in the show,
and when it did...
we stood with our arms out and our faces up--laughing.
the clouds were amazing, throughout.
and the lightening thrilled me to the core, as always.
i wanted to leap into the sky and be wrapped in those clouds...
to be the one hurling the lightening around like dishes in an argument.
i wish i could make lightening...

i have pictures from my trip to Maine, i'll be putting up over on buzznet.
and i think it's time to get a new camera.
my aperture seems to be having some issues--staying open too long or something.
i had to screw with some of the pictures to make them show up.
i got some really great shots, so go check em out.

and here's my sweet little Pepper--



and she LOVES my computer...



and that's all for now.
i have some work to finish up before tomorrow, and no babysitter.

just a little post...

to accompany my toast.
sometimes i like rhyming...
depends on the timing.

okay, that's enough.
gotta nip that shit in the bud--
or i'll end up with a whole page of meaningless ryhmes.

i skipped the gym yesterday.
oh wait!!
no i didn't.
jesus CHRIST.
i went in the evening, and just did cardio.
so it was sorta inside out and upside down.
but i DID make it.
kinda scary that i forgot...

i also left a frying pan on the stove this morning.
with some butter in it...on high.
for at least ten minutes.
then i started smelling smoke.

perhaps i'm coming down with an early case of Alzheimer's.

i need...
hm.
what do i need?
a massage.
a tall, icy cold hefeweizen.
(or 4...)
and--
24 hours of solitude.

Dick suggested a bit of a hump day theme...
but i can see that he has outdone me.
gulp.
pant...
phew.
i need a minute alone....

and now i'll go to the gym.
since there is nothing more to say here.
i am spent.
emtpy.
my words have dried up and blown away in the wind.
or possibly they dried up and were shaken out of me by the chaos around me...
it's a phenomenon similar to losing one's marbles.
only worse.
i can actually hear the hollowness inside me if i sit very still.
i KNOW they're dried up.
but i'm pretty sure my words are still in there somewhere...
maybe if i just add water?
or beer!!!

i feel like playing Twister.
or finishing college.
or baking a pie!!!
ooh!
that's something i can do.
but i won't.

okay, go have a great day.
--and that's an order.

Tuesdays are strange and exotic

well...
not yet.
but they could be.
i'm thinking about launching a national campaign for the glorification of tuesdays...
okay, no i'm not.
that would require "effort" and we all know how i feel about that.

i feel like shit today.
and i have been feeling shitty for a few days.
just kinda a general sickiness accompanied by acute orneriness.
just thought you should know.
in fact, i suck today.
plain and simple.
hell, i suck so bad today i would probably suck at sucking.
and that's just scary.


and i forgot to pick up the camera yesterday.
so no pictures (ass or otherwise) for you today.

the weather is all sorts of fucked up lately.
it's somewhere around 70 degrees today--possibly less.
and cloudy as hell.
you'll have to excuse my amazement...
but you see, it's august.
in utah.
we usually have clear blue skies and 90's for about 3 months straight.
fucking bizarre.

okay.
enough of this "day in the life of the most boring woman on earth" crap.

take my hand...
we'll walk through a field of wildflowers...
the bees buzzing and the knocking of cicadas will be all that we hear.
i'll turn to you and slide my arm around your back, pulling you close.
my face in your neck, on tip toes i'll kiss your lips lightly.
sighing, smiling...
you'll spread out the blanket, and we'll fuck like rabbits.

what?
it's NOT friday, people.
come on!!!

okay, honestly i was heading in that direction, but then i got interupted so many times i couldn't think straight.
so there.

and i'm still being interupted.
my kids are apparently feeling as shitty as i am.
or at least feeling like ACTING shitty.

more later.
maybe.

Just another not-so-manic Monday

and you wanna know WHY?
it's not manic because i'm not manic.

it is a busy day though.
i called the vet (yaaaaaaay me!)
and i'll take the wee one in today.
and there's always the gym--wouldn't want to miss hot boy monday!!
and becky's on her way over to hang.
AND i get to go to the post office and retrieve my CAMERA!!!!!!!!!
...so stay tuned for pictures.
as well as taking my step son to meet his dad at the waterpark.
that's a lot of stuff for me.

so, just a quick post today.
but i wrote over the weekend, so if you didn't read those, please do.
or go fuck yourself.
but at least do one or the other--promise me!!
you'll either read my posts or have a romantic time with yourself.
okay?
okay.

so, some of you may have heard these silly expressions:
Gonna hang out with my wang out.
Gonna rock out with my cock out.

totally juvenile and all that jazz.
still cracks me up though.
cuz i love rhymes and i love phalluses.

so...
i thought of my own, female versions...

Gonna sit out with my tit out.
or
Gonna sit out with clit out.
Gonna trot out with my twat out.
Gonna pass out with my ass out.

yes.
i have already made an appointment with a therapist.
for electroshock therapy and a possible lobotomy.
you may rest easy.

also, have a great monday.
pretend it's friday, if you want.
as in, leave work a little early and meet some friends for happy hour.
ooooh, happy hour.
maybe that's where i'll go this afternoon.
OR go to the titty bar and waste a whole wad of ones.
OR go to my wishlist and buy me something.
it's right over there on my sidebar.
come on....
you KNOW you want to.
if you do, i'll send you naked pictures.
(probably of my kids in the tub...)

sighing and stretching

because it's been a long day.
a long week?
busy.
i wish that i could just be completely alone sometimes.
just get in my car.
and drive.
no destination in mind.
just drive.
and drive.
maybe pick up a hitchhiker.
maybe talk to some friendly folks at a truck stop.
and when i found a place to stop for the night...
just plug in the puter and write.
write and write and write.
write about nothing, write about everything.
write the truth, write the what-ifs, the dreams, the fears.
write all night long.
sleep all morning.
then walk around the town....
and write some more.
and don't forget the eating--food is joy.
freedom.
pure and simple, wild and light.
driving and driving.
singing along to every song i hear.
getting out at a rest stop and running a mile out into the woods.
throwing my head back and shouting with the joy of solitude.
then.
i would get back in my car and drive back to the sweetest place on earth.
and maybe.
just maybe, i would feel less like a caged bird.
i know i shouldn't, but sometimes i wonder...
if i was really meant to live the american dream.
but then i just start wondering if my hesitation comes from the echoes of my abandoned religious upbringing...
the american dream is too closely associated with the vision i had of my future within that strange realm.
fuck all of it.
i am happy a larger percentage of the time than pretty much anyone else i know.
i have a gorgeous life.
it's just the "artist" in me getting restless on occassion...
(i use quotes because i don't actually consider myself any sort of artist, language or otherwise, but i have some artistic personality traits...selfishness & the need for self expression, mostly...)

that felt good.
i really feel as if i've painted myself into a corner--on the ceiling--sometimes.
how the fuck did i get up here??
and how the hell do i get down?
ah.
well.
what're ya gonna do?
me, i'm gonna live my life.

that reminds me.
i need a manager.
um...
someone to make me do stuff.
not having a job is the strangest fucking thing i've ever done.
or not done.
but you know what i mean.
it's been 3 1/2 years, so you'd think i'd be used to it by now.
but.
no.
anyway, it would be cool if someone would call me once a week and say,
"enroll your kids in preschool, call the vet, and write an article to submit to the god damn newspaper your best friend runs in podunk motherfucking Maine so you'll have a shit licking publishing credit."
uh...
can you tell i'm a little disappointed with myself for not having done that last one??

and holy christ my kitten's farts stink!!
jesus.
that thing's like a sulfur bomb.
OH!!!
we named her Pepper.
she looks like pepper--and she makes my husband sneeze.
yes, yes.
i'm sooooooo clever.
also, i'm going to have to break myself of the habit of leaving water glasses half full, stashed around the house ("stashed"=unintentionally left...) and drinking out of them whenever i stumble across them.
why?
because Pepper the poopy princess likes to stick her little head in them and drink.
oh god! she's licking my ear!!
damn that feels good...
just kidding, it actually tickles in a very annoying way.

my kids get the mail sometimes.
without telling me.
THURSDAY the mailman tried to deliver a package--which was my beloved baby camera!
and we were gone, so he left the little note saying i could pick it up friday...
didn't find the note until FIVE MINUTES AGO.
god damn them to everlasting hellfire.
there are some goood damn pictures of my freshly spanked ass on there that i was--
oh.
i'm blushing...
i've said too much.
anyway, i sorta hope it's broken cuz the 'rents had the good sense to insure it.
and we could really use a new camera.
and don't even THINK about mentioning the ass pictures in the comments.
you're NOT seeing them.

and!!
oh
my
god!!
i just remembered my other best friend will be arriving tomorrow.
to stay--
for the school year, at least.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh of relief.......
i have missed her so much, i can't even express it.
i have high hopes for chick bonding this year...
oh, i'm so excited!!
utah is always just a little darker when she's not here.
a little further off kilter.
and now--
balance.
yaaaaaaaaay!!

saturdays suck

okay not really.
but i do...

so i was sitting in my car the other day.
in line at a drive through.
(I was NOT getting fastfood. well...maybe.)
and i noticed a young woman in the parking lot.
(good lord, i sound old--"young woman"?? fu-u-uck.)
she was a good 6 or 7 months pregnant.
aw, how cute.
her friend lit up a ciggy.
then handed her one and lit it.
gerrr-ate.
i wanted to yell something out my window at her.
...but all that came to mind was, "put that cigarette out, you stupid cunt!"
and somehow...
that seemed almost as trashy as smoking while pregnant.
ack.

so today i am playing the part of the confused housewife...
Becky's ex-husband flaked on her so i'm watching her kids while she's at work today.
two boys, just like me.
they play really well together, so it's cool.
(just a friendly reminder that I really am A. boring and B. a housewife)

also...
i have a pecan pie sitting on my counter...
and every time i go into the kitchen i am compelled to reach under the foil...
and take a bite.
--with the conveniently located fork...
well!!!
i have to keep one in the pie dish!
so that.
um.
i can take a bite every time i walk past...
dammit.
i suck.
(but at least i'm good at it)

yesterday at the gym i killed my abs.
this is always a good thing.
i also turned my legs to jelly--
which is my favorite thing of all.
...and hubby's.
apparently i have nice legs or something.

that's fucking great....
JUST put all 4 little ones down for their nap,
and the step son shows up.
apparently i do not deserve time alone.
oh well.
the little guys weren't destined to fall asleep either, so it's okay.

Fantasy Friday

oooh, friday the 13th!!
my favorite...
******

my fantasies have been too...
um...
focused, lately.
i need to let my thoughts wander,
caressing each of you and pulling from you the way in which i might affect you...
imagining myself with you.
doing all the dirtiest things in my playbook.
inviting you to the party in my pants. heh.
so here i go--wish me luck.
(i dont think it's a coincidence that 'luck' rhymes with 'fuck')

*******

if i worked at your office...
i would probably never flirt with you.
but i would watch.
and i would dream...
our eyes would meet once in a while--
like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar...
we would both blush just a little, and look away.
then.
one day.
i would be sitting alone in the break room.
reading Charlotte's Web.
eating chocolate cake.
and you would walk in.
with a bag of popcorn for the microwave.
i would glance up, my reading glasses making your heart race.
i hope that on that day, i would be wearing a long skirt.
and a simple shirt, seemingly modest--but somehow still drawing your eye so directly to the hint of cleavage, the curve of breast...
i would swallow hard at the pressure forming around us--
two animals alone in a small room.
two beings of poetry and hope and passion.
your crisp shirt tucked in, your tie just so...
i would have to force my eyes away from you,
fearing that you would see the lust dripping from them like tears.
i think that just then, another co-worker would walk in.
shattering the tension like a thin piece of glass.
your popcorn would finish popping, and you would leave...
...but not before catching a glimpse of me--watching you.
if we were really lucky...
that would be the day that my car wouldn't start.
and you would be leaving the office at just the right moment...
and your mouth would somehow co-operate, and offer help--
even though your mind would be filled only with me,
and your obsession to see me naked, to touch me.
you would dare to offer me a ride home.
i would accept, as my mind would begin to race:
when did i last shave? is my bedroom clean?
we would arrive at my little house, surrounded by trees.
i would panic at the thought that you might not come inside.
miraculously, i would affect a casual tone and invite you in for a beer--some dinner?
we would make it to the kitchen...
and as i leaned into the fridge for a couple of cold brown bottles...
you would step closer--involuntarily, i think.
two bottles in one hand, i would turn back to you.
and my heart would skip sideways in my chest.
blindly, i would place the bottles on the counter--my eyes locked on yours.
without a word, your hand would be at my waist, our lips coming together in the most urgent way.
my hands would probably be on your neck, pulling you to me,
just as your hands would most likely settle on my lower back, pulling me to you.
one hand would travel up my side--being drawn to my breasts by instict.
your kisses would satisfy me down to my toes--
that swirling sort of satisfaction that inspires greater need.
my knee would probably slide up your side.
you would definitely remove my shirt.
my mouth would tremble at the emptiness left when yours began travelling down my neck...
across my collarbone...
continuing down to the two softest parts...
i'm pretty sure that you would lift me to the counter at that point.
and we would kiss some more, your hands finding their way so smoothly up my legs, under that long skirt.
you would moan just a little as i slid a hand down the front of your pants.
...reaching.
I would moan just a little as i found my target.
you would bite my lip as you discovered my lack of panties, lack of hair.
this would drive you to unbuckle your own belt, fearing that i would be too slow.
i would take your shirt off--not very carefully--buttons flying.
and from the counter we would move to a couch--
you laying me down.
you, kissing from the inside of my knee, up...up...
licking softly until my nails pierced your skin.
i think you would look up at me with a sly little grin at that point...
and then you would move into place, kissing my neck, my ears.
i would lift my hips into you and we would find a rhythm.
we would whisper things that neither of us would forget.
i would be sure to try out on you each of my favorite positions, moves, props...
just in case.
not once would we think about the possible awkwardness at encountering each other in the office.
there would be no awkwardness, if i ever stumbled across you in the vast stretch of possible futures, presents, pasts...
it would be...
right.

***********
have a great weekend kiddos!

ramblings of a madwoman

a post, eh?

yes...a post.
well.
i am feeling rather muse-ified...
my muse and i...
standing up from behind the couch,
adjusting our shirts,
wiping the smeared lipstick from the corners of our mouths...
my muse and i...
drank too much wine, and made out behind that couch.
you don't kiss bad--for a girl, he said.
i slipped into my heels, and glanced around the room.
no one saw us.
what a relief...
next time i'll get a back rub out of it, instead.
...although gay men DO make good lovers...
(at least that's what my mom always said...)
if you knew my mom, that would be especially funny.

my sons both painted all their toenails (and most of their toes) with pinkish nail polish today.
not that the color was what made it bad...
jeeezus.
i mean, blue or black would have been just as feminine, for hell's sake.
and i can't find my polish remover.
grrrr.
they also managed to drop the bottle, leaving a long line of the stuff across the carpet.
double grrrrr.

today was hot boys at the gym day.
AGAIN.
it's getting kind of old...
ha!
gotcha!
that'll never get old.
day-um.
the one i call "Adonis" was particularly sparkly today.
i was thinking about going up to him and saying, "you must get a lot of girls..."
he'd say yes.
then i'd say, "if you're interested in getting fucked by a woman, let me know..."
...somehow, i think that might be a little too direct.
heh.
oh yeah--and also, NOT SOMETHING I WOULD EVER DO.
but it sounds like fun.
cuz, serioiusly.
when i think about the kind of sex i had as a younger woman...
compared to the skill i've acquired...
i feel kinda bad for 20 year old guys who are only screwing girls their age.
sad, sad world.

while i'm on the deep thought path...
anyone ever think about---
dammmit.
i couldn't think of a deep thought.
what a shocker.

oooh, but here's something cool:
i have made 600 posts.
that's a LOT of drivel.
i am, actually, impressed with myself for having so much crap to spew.
...but not surprised.

have you ever found a 4 leaf clover?
seen a double rainbow?
made a wish on a falling star?
seen a dolphin in the ocean?
been in love?

yeah.
me too.

please do not let me forget to write a little something sweet and/or sexy for friday.
cuz i would rather eat glass than fail to give countless anonymous boners...
(which is a more selfish thought that it sounds like, trust me...)

itty bitty pretty kitty....

came home with us today.
the kids are tripping all over themselves with delight.
and so far my husband's lungs have not exploded.
i showed her where the litter box is, but she hasn't used it yet.
so i'm stressing myself out about that.
pictures will follow...

which reminds me!
my mom called.
they found the camera.
what a relief!!
of course, the husband is still concerned that they'll see the nude pictures on it.
he is forgetting that they still have trouble working the VCR, for chrissakes.
like they would ever figure out how to turn it on, or for that matter, find the button to turn on the LCD??
psh.
i'm not worried.
okay, maybe a little.
i mean...
my parents know i'm a bit of a wild child...
but.
yeah.

did i also mention that i brought my old cheerleading uniform home with me?
it fits.
brings back some great memories.

when we got home, we discovered that the people who watched our kids for the first weekend of our trip had left the oven on.
FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
the whole house was filled with gas.
niiiice.
they did, however, leave the house perfectly clean.
dishes done, sheets changed, trashes emptied.
so, it's cool.
no damage done.

had a great workout today.
triceps and back.
30 min on the bike.
heavenly!!!!!
give me 3 more workouts and i won't feel like a heifer anymore.
give me 3 more weeks and i won't look like a heifer anymore, either.
i MAY have gained some weight on vacation...
i haven't checked yet, but i'm pretty sure.
from dunkin donuts to fried seafood to blueberry pies to lobster drenched in butter...
there's no way i escaped a few extra lbs.
s'okay.
i'm still pretty on the inside.
heh.

i'm hungry.
does anyone want to come over and cook me dinner?
yeah, i didn't think so.

the kitten thinks it's cool to walk on my keyboard.
guess what i think?
NOT cool.
and now she's sitting on my shoulder.
which is substantially more cool.
minus the cat-ass in my face part...
which reminds me--
cats don't like riding in cars.
not this one, at least.
maybe it's the car, maybe it's the cat.
but they didn't work well together.
she clawed me to shreds while i drove...
it was great.

so does anyone have a suggestion for what we should name the little beast?
(sassy pants cat-haters keep your shit to yourself)

and in the meantime, i think i'll just keep reminding my kids that it IS a kitty, but its name is NOT kitty...
they're a little confused.

******NOTE************
after receving several comments, i was reminded that it might be a good idea to add a description of the kitten for a better selection of names:
she is a standard tiger--grey/brown with a white neck and one white sock.
she cries a LOT...
she likes to be held and snuggled.
so there.
name her please.

...by way of Detroit (Rock City)...

I am here.
home.
...at least that's what we're calling it.
utah is perpetually lame, but for now it's where the heart is.

what a fantastic vacation we had, though!
i would love to share some pictures with you, but.
i left the camera somewhere.
(possibly over the rainbow)
possibly under the seat of my mom's Caddy.
cross your fingers and toes for me...
cuz.
if it's NOT in the car--
yikes.
if someone who's not as technologically retarded as my parents finds it.
gulp.
anywho.

the vacation...
to summarize:
*kayaking
*sailing
*lobsters
*comedy club
*zero hangovers
*mucho great sex-o
(i thought that would sound more exotic...)
*The Lobster Festival
*shopping
*being offered a kitten
*husband agreeing to said kitten
(longer version to come)
*hot tubs overlooking ocean
*watching the sun set over the ocean--
yes, we all know it sets in the west. it's complicated, don't ask.
*had my first Tarrot card reading
*LOVED it
ummmmmm
i think that may be all.
had some great times.........

mostly, it felt great to be somewhere besides here.

and i missed my kids so much i had to force myself not to think about them so i wouldn't cry.

and i think my husband finally decided it's time to move there.
we're going to work on it, in a serious way.
if yer in maine and know of a great job in IT, let me know.

and now i have to go.
but i'm back.
and i am DYING to get back to the gym and back into my blogginess.

i'm on my way---

i'm on my waaaaaay--
home sweet home.

um.
no, i most certainly was NOT quoting Cinderella (or however they spell it..)
nope, not me.

but, it's true.
we're packing up and heading to boston right now.
and in the wee hours of the morning (the butt crack of dawn), we'll leave our hotel for the airport.

have i mentioned how much i miss my kids?
and my bed.
and my gym.
aaahhhhh.....
i love vacation, and going home.

i have some good stories and some bad stories--
and will have some fantastic pictures...
some of which are naughty, some of which are nice.

be good little boys and girls, and i'll be back in action soon.
i'll flash some truckers for ya, in the meantime.

The Fantasy Portion of the program...

why is it that i am unable to outrun the blaring tv???
is everyone in my life addicted to that crap?
at home, i fight my kids' shows.
at night, i try to ignore my husband's shows.
HERE, i am attempting to ward off the nosie from my father's shows.
i'm not sure why i feel that MY addiction is more noble, more worthy--
but I do.
hee.

I'm seriously struggling, here, folks.
i think i may have written myself into a corner--
so i'm going to do a back hand spring and land somewhere totally new and unexpected.
i WILL write a fantasy today, but it may be different than my usual.
i think the biggest part of the problem is that i am living my greatest fantasy--madly in love with the father of my children, and satisfied with all that we are and have and do...
it's hard to dream of anything that would be better than this.
the other part of the problem is that i haven't taken time to really meditate on this subject in a long time...
(yeah, that means i haven't masturbated in a while.)
i haven't really connected with anything outside myself/my life lately.
SO.
i have to really sit back and let my thoughts wander.
don't hold your breath....
**********

It would be out of the way--by nearly an hour--on that dusty stretch of freeway.
But i was filled with a deep sense of happy satisfaction at the thought of delivering this care package to my boss's son.
I had known him since he was a kid, from spending time with the family.
he was stationed at a marine base, would be leaving for Iraq soon.
in fact, i hadn't seen him in a couple of years and still pictured him as a kid.
When i knocked on the door to his room in the barracks, i could hear loud rock playing inside and smiled.
he flung the door open, poised to yell--
he hadn't heard my knock, over his music, and was preparing to warn his floormates that a woman would be on deck shortly.
...apparently i was early--he sported only a towel.
(around his waist, fortunately.)
we both blushed and he hurried to turn down the music and finish dressing.
his room reminded me of a hospital room--sparse and cold.
he returned in fatigues and a t-shirt, his tightly buzzed hair already dry.
the awkwardness was difused when i handed him the box from his parents and we began talking about them.
as we spoke, i was afforded a closer look at him--
he had grown up.
17 to 20 is a big jump, especially when those years are spent in military training.
the boyish curves of his face had been replaced with the hard, straight lines of a man--his thin wiry body with the thickness of one preparing to defend himself with only his hands.
as the cheerful conversation found a quiet spot, i realized i was openly staring at him--with the wrong sort of thoughts in my head...
he cleared his throat and informed me that his orders were in.
he would be leaving early the next morning.
i swallowed hard, and tried to think of the appropriate response.
before i could speak again he stood and started unnecessarily organizing some books on a shelf.
do you remember the company picnic, a few years ago? right before i left for bootcamp?
he didn't wait for a reply.
i was in my dad's room, looking for his stash of smokes, when i heard someone coming. i figured it was just someone coming in to use the bathroom, so i stepped behind the closet door.
he paused, and turned around to face me.
it was you. and you didn't go into the bathroom...before i could say anything, you had slipped out of your swimsuit, and back into your clothes.
his face turned a little pink, and mine was as red as a rose.
i looked down, not knowing what to say.
i don't think i'll ever forget that. you were so beautiful--are...
surprised, i looked up just in time to see him step toward me.
i smiled and stood.
he put a hand behind my neck, gently pulling me toward him.
i've dreamed of you every night since then...
his voice was husky, quiet.
i hesitated for a moment, then kissed him.
he kissed me back, his hands in my hair, the kisses so soft and sweet.
i could smell the soap on him, and he tasted like rainwater.
i let out a small groan, resisting my urge to tear him apart.
we proceded slowly, tenderly.
he kissed my ears, my neck, my shoulders--as if he were performing a sacred ritual.
he removed my clothes and continued exploring my body as if i were the first woman he had ever touched.
...and he looked at me as if i would be the last...
he peeled off his briefly donned clothes and i swallowed hard.
i hadn't seen a body like that in a few years...
i pulled him to me, roughly, fiercely--kissing him with such force it took his breath away.
i began my own worship--much less delicate than his own had been.
on my knees?
yes...
feeling so patriotic, giving head to this sweet soldier.
swallowing him greedily, then sliding up him, kissing his neck, biting.
we sat, legs interwoven, as he kissed my breasts and regained his momentum.
when he was ready, he laid me back and dropped into place...
we moved together, nearly frantic with desire, with need.
my nails in his back, i breathed, faster...harder...
and he brought us both home--
as we lay together in his tiny bed we wasted no words pretending to be in love...
we were madly infatuated with each other and amazed at our respective good fortune.
i stayed until it was time for him to report for duty in the morning, to board his plane.
and we packed a year's worth of fucking into those 16 hours--both leaving smiling and sore.

Fantasy Friday

but first--
a regular post.
only because i have stuff to say--
for once.

i spent the day wednesday shopping with a dear old friend.
we had a great time, re-connecting...
buying lingere, shoes and nail polish--such a girl's day!
...while the husbands golfed and hit a strip club.
SUCH a guy's day.
my husband actually hates strip clubs, oddly enough.
he thinks the whole idea of them is stupid.
and this particular club--
yikes.
he said most of the women were fat, and the skinny ones had no boobs and neither category included pretty women.
he had all he could do to not laugh out loud.
or at least that was his story.
heh.

then we had dinner with my oldest friend of them all.
easily the best person i know--good, kind, honest, non-judgmental, non-gossippy--and yet, not boring. heh.
she's wonderful--and so was the blueberry pie she made for us.
YUMMMM.
i don't know how many of you have had the pleasure of eating wild maine blueberries, but...
as silly as it is to say, they are the champagne of blueberries.
anyway.
we had a lovely evening with her and her husband, then off to the second hotel in two days.
this one had a beautiful little deck that overlooked the river.
AND.
we finally got to have some crazy sex.
cuz...
i'm sure you all can imagine how impossible that sort of thing is to fascilitate at one's parents' house.

I am just NOT in the groove right now.
this post sucks.
I feel like i'm trying to hike in high heels, or dance in sneakers.
I feel like i'm swimming through mud.
so i'll save it and come back in a few.
bite me.

feeling rather disoriented

where am I?
who am I??
i am disconected from you all--
cut off.
with this ridiculous contraption called a "modem".
WHAT IN THE fuck IS THAT ALL ABOUT?????
a god damned modem.
psh.
it's like living in the stone age, sorta.
only, minus all the cavemen and stuff.

we took kayaks out on the lake the other day, and down a river.
it was a fantastic workout, and a gorgeous day.
we saw a bald eagle, 2 turtles and a bunch of ducks.
the bald eagle was breathtaking--just incredible.
we've seen so much wildlife!
i had forgotten my parents live IN THE WOODS.
last night we narrowly avoided splatting skunks THREE different times.
they're so damn cute.
and we almost hit a deer.
and there was a raccoon wandering across the road at one point, too.
i'm beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be better to just give this place to the animals.
i mean, they seem to out-number us, and they clearly don't give a shit that we can turn them into pancakes in a split second.
eh, it's an idea.
i'll write a letter to the governor, see if i can get the ball rolling.

went to lunch with an old friend today.
he started a computer consulting business and is doing quite well.
...he needs to hire someone to work with him.
he knows he can't afford my husband but they talked about it anyway.
we do this little dance EVERY time we come here.
and it never pans out.
but every year it gets closer and closer to reality.
and i've always said, if we can move out of utah before the kids start school, i'll be happy.
say a little prayer (or 50) for me wouldja?
that same friend is supposed to take us sailing on saturday--
but.
we'll see.

well....
it's hot today.
sticky.
reminds me of the last summer i lived here...
the summer of that boy.
the summer of the hardest job i ever had.
the summer of my first (and last) run-in with the law.
the summer of driving too fast, while changing clothes.
the last summer of freedom.
he lived in that school...
a last chance high school for kids in trouble.
kids from good homes--families with money--
kids...
he was just a child at 17, and i fancied myself mature, at the age of 21.
it didn't matter, though.
i find it difficult to write about him without spewing poetry.
BAD poetry--over the top, dripping with cheese poetry.
but it was all true--
his speaking voice had a way of sliding down through my body, from the entry point of my ears...
it shimmered inside me--no matter what his words were.
his smile affected me like a soft down-filled blanket, or a rainbow--a lightening bolt.
his skin was as soft as a baby's--reminding me of his age.
i could go on endlessly about his hypnotic physical characteristics--
but the most surreal part of him was inside...
i could all but SEE his soul, his creativity, his inner-light.
i sometimes wonder if he was real at all.

so there.