Sunday, August 15, 2004

sighing and stretching

because it's been a long day.
a long week?
i wish that i could just be completely alone sometimes.
just get in my car.
and drive.
no destination in mind.
just drive.
and drive.
maybe pick up a hitchhiker.
maybe talk to some friendly folks at a truck stop.
and when i found a place to stop for the night...
just plug in the puter and write.
write and write and write.
write about nothing, write about everything.
write the truth, write the what-ifs, the dreams, the fears.
write all night long.
sleep all morning.
then walk around the town....
and write some more.
and don't forget the eating--food is joy.
pure and simple, wild and light.
driving and driving.
singing along to every song i hear.
getting out at a rest stop and running a mile out into the woods.
throwing my head back and shouting with the joy of solitude.
i would get back in my car and drive back to the sweetest place on earth.
and maybe.
just maybe, i would feel less like a caged bird.
i know i shouldn't, but sometimes i wonder...
if i was really meant to live the american dream.
but then i just start wondering if my hesitation comes from the echoes of my abandoned religious upbringing...
the american dream is too closely associated with the vision i had of my future within that strange realm.
fuck all of it.
i am happy a larger percentage of the time than pretty much anyone else i know.
i have a gorgeous life.
it's just the "artist" in me getting restless on occassion...
(i use quotes because i don't actually consider myself any sort of artist, language or otherwise, but i have some artistic personality traits...selfishness & the need for self expression, mostly...)

that felt good.
i really feel as if i've painted myself into a corner--on the ceiling--sometimes.
how the fuck did i get up here??
and how the hell do i get down?
what're ya gonna do?
me, i'm gonna live my life.

that reminds me.
i need a manager.
someone to make me do stuff.
not having a job is the strangest fucking thing i've ever done.
or not done.
but you know what i mean.
it's been 3 1/2 years, so you'd think i'd be used to it by now.
anyway, it would be cool if someone would call me once a week and say,
"enroll your kids in preschool, call the vet, and write an article to submit to the god damn newspaper your best friend runs in podunk motherfucking Maine so you'll have a shit licking publishing credit."
can you tell i'm a little disappointed with myself for not having done that last one??

and holy christ my kitten's farts stink!!
that thing's like a sulfur bomb.
we named her Pepper.
she looks like pepper--and she makes my husband sneeze.
yes, yes.
i'm sooooooo clever.
also, i'm going to have to break myself of the habit of leaving water glasses half full, stashed around the house ("stashed"=unintentionally left...) and drinking out of them whenever i stumble across them.
because Pepper the poopy princess likes to stick her little head in them and drink.
oh god! she's licking my ear!!
damn that feels good...
just kidding, it actually tickles in a very annoying way.

my kids get the mail sometimes.
without telling me.
THURSDAY the mailman tried to deliver a package--which was my beloved baby camera!
and we were gone, so he left the little note saying i could pick it up friday...
didn't find the note until FIVE MINUTES AGO.
god damn them to everlasting hellfire.
there are some goood damn pictures of my freshly spanked ass on there that i was--
i'm blushing...
i've said too much.
anyway, i sorta hope it's broken cuz the 'rents had the good sense to insure it.
and we could really use a new camera.
and don't even THINK about mentioning the ass pictures in the comments.
you're NOT seeing them.

i just remembered my other best friend will be arriving tomorrow.
to stay--
for the school year, at least.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh of relief.......
i have missed her so much, i can't even express it.
i have high hopes for chick bonding this year...
oh, i'm so excited!!
utah is always just a little darker when she's not here.
a little further off kilter.
and now--

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