Wednesday, January 21, 2004

so much talking

without saying anything.
that's me.

Vanilla Sky in my mailbox today.
if you like movies, and you're a huge lazy ass, like me and you haven't joined Netflix--do so.
so fun.

if you're a woman, and you haven't seen the movie Moll Flanders, see it.
Morgan freeman, Robin Wright (pre-Penn) and Stockard Channing.
kick ass movie, guys might like it too.
i know i'm full of demands today, but it's wednesday, god damn it.
and that means i'm the boss.
or maybe it means rachel loves ross.

we just dropped our porn channel and switched to all the movie channels.
i know!!
what were we thinking??
nah, we just didn't watch it that much.
well, I didn't...
and i'd rather have 40 movie channels than one porn.
and i'd rather make porn than watch it.
did i just say that?
sweet innocent little girl next door, moi??
i bet you're all totally shocked.

and did you exchange
a walk on part in your war
for a lead role in a cage?

sometimes i listen to great music and i have to stop what i'm doing and just let the pictures roll in front my closed eyes.
so many images floating past, hard to grab them all.
and the feelings...
some songs infuse me with this outlook that is fresh from my high school years.
it's wild.
i see things the way i saw them then, and their difference from the present shocks me.
it feels like i'm in someone else's head.
but it's familiar, it's mine.
i remember for a moment the way i thought the world worked, the way i thought my life would go, and the way i felt i fit into the larger picture.
boy oh boy was i wrong--on all counts.
i'm sure you can all relate, it's a youth/wisdom contrast.
it's just wild to have to flip past me like the page of a magazine, unsummoned.

i know i shouldn't care what other people think of me, but i can't help wondering who left that anonymous comment on yesterday's post. something about it makes me think it's someone i know in real life. but i don't know. it would only bother me if i knew the person and they wrote that. if it's some joe schmoe, i don't really care. but he had a point. i have been writing like i'm hyperventilating.
which reminds me...
i used to hyperventilate a little bit when i cried.
in high school when being dramatic was integral to every day life.
back when i really truly was the sweet innocent little girl next door.
damn, times have changed.

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