Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Best friends...

i see you, through the window of the cafe, before you see me.
i look away, hoping you don't notice me and keep walking.
it might be awkward.
what would i say?
the bells on the door jingle, and the most familiar voice in the world to me, speaks my name.
my face flushes before i even turn around, i stand and return your greeting.
you act like there's nothing out of the ordinary, like nothing has changed.
but it has.
for me, forever.
you join me, your long legs out in the aisle, your hat tossed carelessly onto the table.
as you talk i can't focus on your words, but am instead transfixed by the stubble appearing on your face.
it wasn't there the last time i saw you.
the first time i touched you.
wanting you had always been a part of me, but that night...
and we're still just friends.
i can see it in your face, feel it in my gut.
the death of the best friendship i've ever had was born that drunken night.
that night...
as a glass of wine turned into a bottle, which turned into two, then three...
we had often been drunk together, but this time was different.
for the first time in the ten years of our friendship we were both single.
i'd been in europe all summer, my first night back.
drinking french wine and catching up...
you were flirting with me.
and i dared to hope that you had the same feelings for me as i had always had for you.
through falling in love with other boys, then men, you had been the one i always compared them to, the one i really wanted.
the pedastal i had created for you was so tall it shadowed all reason, all logic, and heightened my lust for you, as only love can.
i am beginning to panic, to wallow in the broken heart i've acquired, just as you speak, pulling me back.
you reach for my hand, your touch startling me.
we're cool, right?
you are shy, suddenly--unsure.
this change alone softens my anger.
i shrug.
my first reaction is to unload on you all of the things i've been saying to you in my head since yesterday.
but i fight it, emptying sugar packets into my coffee to stall...
i smile, but it must be unconvincing, because you bite your cheek and look down, nodding slowly.
i'm such an asshole. did i ruin everything?
in that moment i realize that i can get past this, but it won't be the same with us.
i loved you for too long to think my dream came true then learn it didn't and just forget about it.
i loved you for too long to discard this friendship.
nah. but i'm late, so i'll see you later.
i manage a smile, but as i walk to class a few tears creep out.


just a little story for your hump day.
i always take comments too seriously and they affect my writing.
but just for a few minutes.
so i found this little story i wrote the other day, when i was trying to think of a fantasy friday.
this one? not such a good fantasy...=)
but it's better than nothing, which is what i would have written.
more later.
when i get my head out of my ass.
or maybe before....

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