Thursday, November 04, 2004

today is the greatest day i've ever known

nah, not really.
but i was listening to the pumpkins last night.
okay, no i wasn't.
but i did have crazy fucked up weird-ass dreams.
...but it was a too many guys to kiss sorta weird.

the novel?
i have spent about 20 minutes on it, so far.
yay me.
i still have plenty of time...
don't i?

tonight is hair-dye night.
whenever i think of that,
i feel like an old lady.
or a high maintenance chick.
either way--
it pisses me off.
i have always taken pride in the fact that i'm a natural kinda girl.
but i guess with age comes the necessity to reach out to the world of cosmetology for a bit of help.
pride is evil anyway.
and besides, tonight I'm taking Becky with me, so we can both have our eyebrows done.
leaving our kids at her house with her babysitter.
maybe we should take a flask...

there aren't very many places i'd rather be right now.
how's that for some fucking passive aggression?
or wishy-washiness, at least.
someone with strong conictions would say, "there's NO PLACE i'd rather be"
or maybe it's just that i have a million places i'd love to see.
or maybe i was just at a standstill with the post,
so i let my eyes go out of focus and starting typing, slowly.
and that's where that sentence took itself.

you know what's really fucking weird?
that sometimes i'm not sure how to raise my kids without the Mormon stuff.
i should probably find a support group or some shit.
but that would be contrary to my stubborn, independent, "i can do it myself whether i fuck it up or not!!" attitude...
it's really weird, cuz it's like being raised in a cult.
only difference is, it's not one.
most mormons i know are good, GOOD people.
and most of the basic concepts of it are just fine.
it's just utah that's all buggered to hell.
i imagine that anywhere with this large of a concentration of the exact same faith
would be a bit suffocating, and distorted.
it just doesn't exist anywhere else in america.
the bible belt is the next closest thing,
and even there, there are dozens (or at least several) different basic sects.

aaaaah, sweet relief--
saying "sects" was like flashing a piece of tinfoil in the peripheral vision of a squirrel--
now i can change the subject.

to what?
sex, i suppose.
sex: natural, fun, one-on-one, everyone should do it, etc.
sex is the meeting of two bodies,
which is often mistaken for the meeting of two hearts.
when the two unions occur together it's explosive.
two hearts can be spliced together like the two sides of a zipper.
sometimes the chemistry outweighs the need for true connection.

i can almost not remember what it felt like to have sex with someone for the first time.
...or with anyone other than my husband.
i can still see their faces,
and remember how powerful i felt sometimes,
and how empty and weak i felt at others.
i can remember wanting someone to the point of insanity...
and then getting him.
i can remember the clear thinking way i decided to give away my virginity--
to someone who loved me for a long time, but for whom i had no feelings.
i will never forget the ones that got away.
i will never forget that night with that friend and the way he still makes me smile.
i can't quite remember the broken hearts right now.
(either given or received)
but i am who i am because of it all.

have a happy thursday, and touch yourself somewhere naughty for me.

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