happy thanksgiving

don't drink and drive.
hold your tongue when you're relatives make you homicidal.
if you're a guy, and the women have done all the cooking? DO THE FUCKING DISHES.

other than that, i got nothing today.
so i think i'll post a vintage piece...
(yes that's code for "recycled trash")

enjoy--
(originally posted December 30th 2003)

i am the queen of useless information today.
so watch out.
cuz i might tell you even more stuff you never needed to know, never wanted to know, and when it's all said and done, you'll wish you didn't know!

still killing mice at the speed of light.
okay, so only 3 so far, in two or 3 weeks, but still.
that's 3 more mice than should have ever been in my house.
they are everything dirty and filthy.
and not in that fun way.

i'm everything dirty and filthy in that fun way.
okay, okay, so i'm exaggerating a teensy bit.
or a lot.
but, let's face it, you'll never know.
i could tell you i'm the kinkiest of the kinky and for all you know, i do strictly missionary position, with the lights off and my shirt on.
snort.
okay, that's just ridiculous.
certainly you know THAT's not true.
or i could be a fat asian man.
or a tall skinny geeky 15 year old (yes, we've already established i think like a teenage boy...)
or a 50 year old divorcee with a body like Cher and the oral skills of Monica Lewinsky.
actually, I'm pretty sure i could out-suck her.
or any of you.
bring it on.
ahem.
sorry, feeling a bit fiesty all of a sudden.
anyway, you get my point.
and it's probably not even fair to call it MY point, because it's one of those "stating the obvious" things that I love doing.
so a zillion people have already made the same point.
but i'll claim it.
and i dare you to contradict me.
nah, not really.
i don't like to argue.
well, i sort of do.
god DAMN i'm fickle today.
i mean, i'm always fickle, but sometimes i'm more fickle than a pickle, ya know? wink wink.
whatever the wink wink means.

let me just reiterate how excited i am for new year's eve.
super excited.
uber excited.
ultra excited.
extra excited.

which means one thing, and one thing only: it will not go as planned, or will for some reason fall short of my expectations.
one of my expectations is to kiss a girl.
i know.
i'll definitely keep you in the loop on that one.
or make something up.
whichever.
damn, but where did that sweet little mormon girl go?
she's lost so deep inside me that sybil's therapist couldn't find her.
stupid bitch.
better stay where i buried her, too.
if she knows what's good for her.