if you'll pretend i wrote this on monday,

then so will i.

and for that matter--
if you'll pretend i have anything to say,
then so will i.
we're good like that,
you and me.
tell each other pretty lies,
and no one gets hurt.
what the FUCK did that mean??
that glue i was sniffing must have been Crazy Glue.

so i was thinking about doing an audio post,
because i actually had a silly story to tell.
but i'm too lazy--
that's a lot of damn numbers to dial, okay??
and now the story got sillier (or more silly?)
so it's just as well:

the other night, after the bar,
we cruised through the mcD's drivethru
for some sober-up food.
i ordered an apple pie.
it was dark in the car.
so i ate along, merrily...
and wondered only a little at the odd taste.
i had two bites left when i mentioned to Becky
that it tasted more like cinnamon than apples.
she said, "my mom had a strange pumpkin pie the other day from--"
IT'S PUMPKIN!!
okay, so it's highly embarassing that it took me so long to figure that out...
but in my defense, it did taste mostly like cinnamon,
and i don't usually eat pumpkin pie warm, which it was...
so that's only kinda silly.
but i've told it a couple of times over the weekend...
cuz maybe i'm short on anecedotes,
or maybe i was more amused by it than i am now,
or maybe i don't know.
ANYWAY.
i mentioned something about doing an audiopost of it to my husband.
oh god, not that story AGAIN! he said.
i put on a big, fake pout.
and pouted so hard that tears started spilling out.
so then i started laughing.
and he thought i was really crying.
and hilarity ensued.

okay, but even better than that--
i was in the shower this morning,
and the bathroom door opened and closed.
hello? i asked...
pretending to be completely sure it was my husband,
but in reality, i only ask that so that i can quiet the voice in my head--
the one telling me an axe murderer has just walked in.
(thank god the voice is never right)
(or never has been YET!!!)
ahem.
fucking tangents...
so i say hello, and hubby answers.
and i ask what he's doing.
"Putting some caulk in the crack."
i started giggling.
and i couldn't stop.
i laughed so hard i actually started crying.
which, contrary to the evidence brought forth in this post...
doesn't happen very often.
he was rolling his eyes--
i could tell.
then, just as i was about to slow down the laughter--
he said, "I was thinking of using some black caulk..."
i doubled over with a big guffaw,
and squeaked out, "but it wouldn't fit!!"
whew.
sometimes sleep deprivation and happy kinds of stress cause temporary insanity.
ooh, wait--temporary insanity??
too bad i didn't kill someone--
could have gotten away with it!!

okay.
that's enough LAME ASS STORIES for today.

i think i'll go suck off my husband and watch the end of cheaper by the dozen.
oh wait, i thought of a fun porn title today
(yes, i believe i just promised no more stories...)
Four Screws and Seven Queers ago...
yeah.
bad.
i'll probably get struck by lightening, sent to hell and put in time-out for that.

oh yeah, happy halloween.
happy daylight savings time.
and please don't let me forget to vote...