Monday, November 01, 2004

monday night is family night

if you're a mormon.
(just thought i'd share that with you)
actually, i decided that, subconciously, i'll believe that i'm moving out of utah,
instead of just to a different place within utah.
i know.
it seems like a stretch.
but i think it'll work.
one thing i can do, toward this end,
i mean, jesus christ.
(or not.)
did i grow up doing that??
hell no.
did i feel comfortable doing that for my first 5 years here?
hell no.
and yet.
here i am--
meeting new people and talking about the weirdness of mormonism within the first 5 minutes.
i'm not saying that i'm going to stop mormon-bashing.
(cuz that would make life a little less worth living...)
i'm just saying...
i'll try to control myself a bit better from now on.

i should apologize for the shitty posts yesterday.
i have no excuse,
i have no shame.
but i'm ready to rock and roll again.

i'm ready to drink a glass of life.
i'm ready to fill your eyes, ears, and mouth with all that is beautiful in this world--
and in me.
i am ready...
to show you how to fly, teach you to dance--
call you on the lame dope-smoking, slackin' little sucker you are.
(sorry, i got possessed by some monster magnet lyrics for just a second there...)
i'm ready to scream myself hoarse at metallica and godsmack.
i'm ready to feel something new.
i'm ready to shop...
i'm ready to be all that i can be in the Housewife Army...

i cooked salmon and baby carrots and german chocolate cake tonight.

i sometimes wonder...
if anyone else forgets to be self-concious at all the best times.
often, i worry that some of the people who seem happy are only happy because they don't know...
i can't decide if i am glad that i don't or wish that i could--
understand drug addiction, understand hate...
i do wish i had my incredible memory still.
and my ability to eat unlimited amounts of sugar.

and i stumbled onto a new way to say something--
the words ran through my mind and out your mouth.
because that's exactly how it happens sometimes.

i'm not ready for winter.
and i don't think i'm ready to move.
i'm scared.
what if i like it less?
what if i hate even more of my neighbors?
what if the traffic sucks? (okay, i already know that'll be true)
what if....
what if all i really want is to go home?
i'm being a baby.
i think....
the real problem
is that i don't have anyone to really get excited with.
i mean...
this is huge.
we're taking not just a step up, but like a leap.
and it's hard to be as enthusiastic as i feel,
when we're going to be leaving a lot of people in the dust.
it's not that they're not happy for us.
i just hate feeling like i'm gloating...
which i don't do, but i'm kind of sensitive, i guess--

fuck that shit.
i need to start my novel.
i need to finish spackling and sanding and painting and--
i need to drive a fast car faster.
i need to ski like i drive.
i need to get dressed up and go down.
i need to ride a horse bareback across a field.
i need to run from one end of a beach to the other.
i need to slip into the hot springs and out of my clothes.
i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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