Monday, November 15, 2004

i feel like doing the misty mountain hop

but i think it's smog, not mist.
so that sorta spoils the mood.

i love it when i wake up refreshed and not grumpy.
i'm always groggy.
but sometimes it's grumpy grog, and sometimes it's sunny grog.
reminds me of that Phish song...
Silent in the morning
Suspended in the trees
Lunch time comes you've found your voice
It brings me to my knees
The volume just increases
The resounding echoes grow
Till once again I bask in morning stillness, I love so

i used to listen to that song and be convinced that it was MY song.
but now i think i was misunderstanding some of the lyrics.
oh well.

that reminds me of one of the strangest mistakes i ever made...
J. and i met some guys.
pilots from florida--
whose motto was, "better to fly high than drive drunk"
they were on their way north,
to a 3 day Phish concert.
invited us.
why did i decline?
because it was my last weekend home before coming back to stupid utah.
and there was a boy i wanted to spend some more time with.
okay, i would have also felt bad just quitting my job almost a week early,too.
but mostly it was the boy.
that beautiful creature--my first muse.
so i went to see him on friday night--
after a nice smoke with a friend.
we took some beer and went to find somewhere to be alone...
STUPID STUPID STUPID me.(see: smoke)
i parked at this lake.
forgetting that i was no longer the truly innocent girl,
forgetting that i was doing something illegal
(he was 17 to my 22, yes i've mentioned him before)
we each had a beer (okay, fine--mine were wine coolers in those days)
and a pair of headlights flashed into our side window.
a police car.
see, the lake was a state park and it was technically "closed".
so we weren't supposed to be there.
in my younger days, this kind of thing wouldn't have been a problem.
i'd only been outside the realm of innocence for about a year--
and i'm a notoriously slow learner of life lessons...
i was lucky i didn't get arrested.
my life flashed before my eyes,
and my mind was foggy enough from the evening's smoke that i didn't say anything in my own defense.
the cop didn't want to ticket me--
they never do.
cops hate giving me tickets,
and usually don't.
i have a feeling that if i would have feigned some sort of innocence,
they would have let us go...
"i didn't know how old he was--he brought his own beer."
something like that.
so i had to tell my mom about it.
that was the worst part.
she still remembers him.
so do i...

the point?
i should have gone to the hippie-fest and indulged in more sex, drugs and rock 'n roll than i have in my whole life put together.
cuz then i'd still have a clean record.
so by choosing to do the "right" thing,
i ended up in more trouble.
oh well.

so it's monday.
and that means it's not braless tuesday.
but i'm still not wearing one.
i feel like i have stories to tell from the weekend...
but i can't think of any.

that glimpse of the one thing you always wanted but never thought existed.
and finding out that it does.
it's a crushing blow, destroying the image you have of the world,
making it more beautiful and less bearable, all at once.

today is a day that i would raise my arms above my head,
and with a slight shifting of weight to my toes,
be lifted into the sky, surging upward.
i would be wrapped in fur cloaks,
and i would be filled with the love of a healer--
going from place to place sprinkling the dust of innocence over those brutalized, and the dust of strength over those weakened.
i would make a good god.
i would see who needed my help, and i would grant them their heart's desires.
sometimes, for fun, i would take some of the tiny, heart shaped flakes of cupid dust,
and blow them onto the homecoming king/quartback/student body president...
just as the sweet little awkward girl walked by.
and his heart would be opened to the love of a pure soul.
but if all i could do was fly,
i would travel the world and see the secret joys and pains of all its souls.
i would soar above them, and my tears would land on the earth,
causing flowers to grow.

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