ok, fine--you win!

You guys all doubted me--
hell, I doubted myself
(which is far less party-rific than fucking myself, trust me)
and we were all right.
I am physically unable to go more than a couple of days without blogging.
I don't know what the longest stretch I've ever gone is,
but it can't be more than 3 days.
even when I was on vacation.
or dead.
I really did a lot of thinking, though.
and Oprah watching.
mostly, though, I just stared into space,
thinking of things I should be
could be
would be
writing.
and feeling ashamed of my lack of self control
for even considering writing.
but, I've reached hump day,
and that always puts the image of a hill in my head--
monday and tuesday are uphill
thursday and friday are downhill
so...
I figure, I was trudging uphill against this whole "not writing" thing,
and I'm just a lazy/whimpy ole thing,
and I've gone and slid right back down the hill,
backwards.
did that make ANY sense????
eh, probably not.
but since when did that matter?
and while I have you here...
could I ask you guys a reallllly fucking huge
big
giant
enormous
fat
smelly
purple
favor???
please.
PLEASE.
if it's not too much trouble,
could ya pay attention to the usage of "your" and "you're"?
I know, we all rush through leaving comments,
hell, I'm lazy enough that I don't even use the "shift" key half
(or more...)
of the time, but I'll be willing to work really damn hard on that if you will do the same.
it seems like the only mistake that gets made,
but I'm sure that's just an effect of the tunnel vision brought on by drinking.
actually, I just WISH I was drinking.

my whole body is aching.
actually, no, just my uppper body.
yesterday the trainer pushed me to the breaking point,
god bless him!
and today I tried to do the same.
the result is that my biceps and back are still killer sore from yesterday,
and now my triceps and chest are grunting and groaning, too.
yowie and hallelujah, ________
shit what's the word? Sergei, h elp me out--
two sentences to be carried out, not consecutively, but at the same time, and it also starts with a "co-", faaaaaaack.
brain malfunctions are so '87.
gaw dammmmit.
I hate it when my smarts fly south for the winter--and it's May.
where the hell does that leave me??
anywho, I'm both elated and whiney, over the state of my physical...state.
jesus.
who gave me permission to resume blogging???
I am clearly not fit to be composing sentences.

I had at one point suffered from the grand (dis)illusion that I might start work on a book if I put the blog aside.
fat chance, Bucko.
I didn't even get caught up on my personal emails,
and there were only TWO of them.

um.
I've really missed blogging.
I haven't missed taking my kids to the 'Mart.
it became a necessity today, and I thought it might turn into a hostage situation, before I got to the car--
oh, the horror didn't stop when we walked out of the store.
hell no.
that would be too easy.
we had to hold up traffic for what felt like 10 minutes,
as my HELLION spawn ran out in front of a truck and cried all the way into the parking lot, as I held their damn hands onto the grocery cart to keep them from running away again--
managing to bonk max's head and step on his foot.
siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Shitty Mother of the Year Award nominee, at your service.
so THEN we weren't even remotely on the right side of the god damned parking lot,
but this oh-so-prettied-up shopping center has fucking grass-filled (and no, not the good kind) medians between every row of cars.
why?
yes, so that I could practice my 4X4 skills with a fucking cart and two crying children.
jesus hates me.
and so does his mother.

so, I also managed to update my Amazon Wishlist
since my 30th birthday is only one month from Today...
ahem.
hint hint
nudge nudge
wink wink
just so I won't be embarassed--
if anyone sends me a present,
you'll get a very nude picture of me as a thank you card.
what?
my momma brought me up right.
well.
the thank you card part, at least...
soliciting, not so much.
--for PRESENTS, you creeps!
jeeez.
ok, fine, i'll take money for sex, too.
oooh, wouldn't that be a great Jeopardy category?
"Yes, I'll take sex for 400, alex"
"well...ok...." (he starts undressing, with a fearful-but-resigned look on his face)
ok, maybe that's just my weirdo fantasy.
and yes, I'm a weirdo.
who fantasizes.
(obviously)

is it summer yet?
yes.
I do believe it is.
and there will be camping
and travel
and workouts to swamp an olympian
and at the end of this season, the children and I will start school.
fuckity fuck.

I am sooooooooooooooo glad to be back.
I can't promise that I'll stop whining,
but I think that maybe when I feel like I have nothing to say,
I'll actually--
GASP--
not say anything.
'magine that.

love you all like the children I'm glad I never had...