dashing through the snow--

or at least my life.
yes, dashing through it.
i need to take a deep breath and slow down.

my friend called me while i was at the gym to say she's bored.
i'm glad that she's coming over, but now i have less time for my virtual life...
in other words: this is a good thing!!
i need to spend less time in this chair.

while i was driving home from the gym i had a thought...
um.
something about...mary?
no, not mary.
something about...
feeling like i'm drowning in this life of mine.
suffocating from lack of space.
i like being alone.
and i keep forgetting to do it.
the problem with that is that i like people waaaaaay too much to be alone very often.
this is what being a gemini does to a soul.
having two opposite needs, two preclusive habits, two polar opinions...
oh wait--
maybe i'm just bi polar.
nah, i'm waaaay too stable for that.
hey--shut up--i am, too!!

ahem.
anyway.
i guess what i'm bitching about is this:
i want to have peace and quiet to write...and write and write and write.
until i'm GOOD.
i mean so good it'll make you sneeze.
or cough, or itch or scratch...
maybe laugh, maybe cry--definitely vomit.
i want to write something that makes me dizzy.
i want to write so many words that i see them around me, like the code on the matrix...
i want to fill my head with ideas and thoughts and feelings.
i'm pretty sure that "being a good wife and mother" does not co-exist with this little dream of mine.
fortunately, the family thing is more important and fulfilling...
sigh.
for the most part.
i decided once, though, that i don't do well being "content"...
if i have no yearnings, no pinings, no unrequited anything--
then i'm depressed as hell.
so...
mostly i have this balance worked out...
where i am madly in love with my husband, consumed by adoration for my kids, and generally aware that my life is too damn good to be true.
while concurrently letting my head meander through the world in a different direction--
it's cool.
sorta "Split Personalities for the Sane Person"...
but sometimes the balance shifts a little and i yearn a little too much.
for solitude.
and i feel guilty.

bah.
i'm a selfish bitch and everyone knows it.
i guess i should just quit fighting it.