Friday, August 15, 2003

What in the bloody hell

was i thinking? i just drove 45 minutes home with enough of a buzz that i'm still not entirely over it. dumb ass. that's my self-deprecation phrase of the week.

god i love this place, though. even if i did spend the day smashed between two carseats in the back seat of a Cadillac--not my favorite position for that location, heh heh. we drove all the hell over western Maine today. my parents, my children and I. god save me i wanted to kill everyone but my mom at some point. and the highlight was when my mom was reading the paper and there was an ad for "Two female cars, indoor only, fixed, good with children." I LOVE TYPOS!!!!!!!!!!! yum. but sadly that was in warren, which is only about ten minutes south of here on Rt. 1....ten minutes into a rather lengthy and many legged trip....(like a spider?) okay, okay, i'm being dramatic--it could have been worse, but i had 3 different stops to make and they were all rather short and unfulfilling visits. oh well. duty called...and i answered. and at the end of it all, my hair looked good and isn't that all a girl can really ask for?

then tonight i went to meet an old friend (okay, okay, so it was an old BOYfriend...) and it was really nice. sorry folks, that's all you get....

i love beer. i love maine. i feel so much more like the "real me" (whoever that is...) when i'm here. i wish i had all the answers....

i have some of them, though. like, the way the ocean smells at night and cold sand between your toes are just few of the things that a person shouldn't have to experience only through memory--nor is a good kiss. why can't life just be the way i want it to? why can't i be, uh, in the words of someone whose name is escaping me at the moment--young and wild and free??????? wait, it's coming...i guess it was bryan fucking adams, summer of 69. oh well. i'm a child of the 80's--i have no apologies for what lies in the deep folds of my gray matter due to the radio playlists of my youth......however. i wish i could just invent a time machine...nah, too many paradox problems. perhaps i should just look forward with courage and make the changes that are necessary. i fear the unknown.

god, who invited Intropsective Girl??? she's such a buzz kill. actually, i wish. why am i so annoyed by this buzz??? perhaps because it was wasted. my buzz didn't hit until i was leaving the bar. dammmmmmit. not that it was necessarily a situation which required buzzage, it's just that, well, why buzz if there's no one around? or better still, why waste a buzz concentrating like mad on your driving skills??? and frankly a little more beer before i walked in there wouldn't have hurt--i think i smiled too much. from being sort of nervous. just because i didn't know what to expect (see above).

only 4 more days. why do i feel like i leave behind a limb every time i leave here? okay, i finally pushed it over the edge--bye bye buzz.... and on that note--good night!

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