Saturday, August 09, 2003 head is full of garbled half thoughts. and i haven't even been drinking! (for the first time in weeks...) i see my departure date looming ahead and it makes me very unsettled. i neeeeeeed a crystal ball--one that works, smartass.

also, when i got in my car to leave my friends house about an hour ago, i had one of those creepy feelings that there was a psycho killer hiding in my back seat...ever get that feeling? so, in the wisdom that comes with such advanced age as i have achieved, i talked myself out of it and the feeing went away after a couple of miles.....through foggy winding backwoods roads....the perfect setting for a horror film...then, when i got out of my car it was sort of back...a strange noise, a shadow....everything looked wrong inside the house--my kids' door was open, a lightbulb burned i decided it's freaky friday or something. well, whatever.

i can't believe i only have ten days left. and where the fuck is the sun????

i am craving something right now. someone. i don't know what or who though.....that was a weird feeling. good weird. now it's gone. i think it's because i want to be with someone i haven't even met yet. it was inverted missing--like, missingn someone from the future instead of the past, you know? i am wishing for large chunks of uninterupted time in which to work on "the novel". i love quotes. i love "Gene" who was the maitre d' at a classy little joint where i waitressed one summer....he was a whacko of the first order. see how that goes? free association, baby. and speaking of therapy techniques: i wish someone would give me the ink blot test, because i think they would find it amusing that every card they held up i would assign some romantic title--yup, two people kissing. that one's two people dancing. and that one's two lovers. it would be a hoot.

here's my greatest aspiration: that i will have sorted out what i really want out of life and where i want to go with my life by the time i'm 30. yes, i realize that's only two years away and there aren't enough hours in a day for me to solve the myriad problems i have in two short years, but still. it's good to have goals. so i've heard.

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