Friday, September 02, 2005

No, Jerry, I didn't start my vacation already...

And it ain't no bloody "vacation"--
it's a whole lotta work and being unshowered (possibly) for 3 days...
I'm a fan of camping, in the same way I am a fan of dogs:
the idea of them is great.
other people's dogs are cool, as long as I don't have to touch them or deal with their incessant bathroom needs.
as for camping...
I love the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.
I love sleeping under stars.
I love fishing (I think) and
I love roasting marshmallows.
On the other hand...
I abhor a day without a shower,
walking out into the dark when I have to pee,
taking off my shoes to go into and out of the god damn tent,
and that's all I can think of for this part.
also, my kids have only been camping one other time, but they were only 3 then...
hopefully this will be better.
I am such a whiner.
I just want to sit around the house and read all weekend.
how frigging cool would that be??
maybe I can feign an illness or something at the last minute...

so the party was a smashing success,
but without much of anyone getting smashed, since it was a weeknight.
the food was all adored, and the crowd turned out to be mostly beer drinkers,
so I'm going to have to wait a while, and try that drink out on some other friends.
I loved it, though, Chris!
...and isn't that all that matters?

two disturbing things I've noticed lately:
first, yesterday the boys were playing some games on NickJr dot com,
and one of them involved an OctoPUSS, with a PET HOTDOG NAMED WEINY.
I am not fucking joking!!!!
I was appalled.
what the hell are they thinking???
"who are the ad wizards who signed off on THAT?"
(adam sandler, on SNL's celebrity jeopardy)
and then, a marketing issue:
the Venus razor that VIBRATES.
maybe I've covered this before...
it has a lovely, fallic shaped handle, so the possibilities are endless.
if you don't mind fucking a dildo with a RAZOR on the end.
ok, so maybe that's only for a pervert (like me), but I think it's an entirely too-small leap from razor-that-vibrates to dildo.
crazy freaks.

and, I think you should know--
I'm about to go postal on my contractor dude.
he's so god damn annoying and could be the world record holder of non sequitors.
he makes no sense EVER,
and is constantly seeking approval on his personal life/choices:
"Should I shave or grow the beard?"
Sometimes I have to pretend to laugh because his attempts at humor illicit gagging noises, so it's a good cover.
I also have to pretend to give a shit whether or not he uses a (vibrating???) razor.
he hits on all my friends.
and tries to DISCIPLINE MY KIDS.
Yes, I've been practicing major self-restraint not to bitch about him yet.
So, I'll be glory-glory-hallelujah ECSTATIC when they're finished.
Which should be before the end of next week.
If I have to talk to him again.
so, I guess I should carry a barf bag around with me...

I have been a little frazzled, getting used to this whole new schedule,
and it hasn't even started yet.
I think it'll actually be easier once the little ones are in school,
because I'll have 3 days a week where I have FREE TIME
...yes, I'll lay off the crack.
anyway, I have hardly touched the puter all week,
and I can't really recall of I've tuoched the peter, either.
(hubby's, that is...)
I'm pretty sure we had sex a couple of times,
and no cracks on it not being memorable, m'kay?
I'm just out of it right now.
and frankly, when you're married, the times run together a bit unless you do something entirely new.
i'm pretty sure we've done everything at least twice by now.
even the stuff we didn't like!
I'm so fucking hilarious.
you should come hang out with me some
...we could rhyme...
and suck a lime
(after the tequila)
and maybe even score a dime
of godiva chocolates!
jeeez....what do you people take me for??

time to go shop for final camping crapola.
I will forgot at least one key item, so don't even start.
or stop.
or go hippity hop...

happy mem--Labor day weekend, mutha fuckas.

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