don't ask.

I'm just getting home from a fun night,
but it's late.
and i had to walk through byu campus...
my throat pushed the word, "fuck" to the back of my tongue,
it slid to the very tip and I caught it,
swallowed it back down.
but I felt the ghost of it still in my mouth.
the shout of it.
it was a beautiful night.
many students leaving the library
got to wonder what the woman with a diamond(ish) stud in her nose and a
fiiiine
rack was doing on their pristine campus.
I hope I gave at least one of them a reason to wish they were allowed to beat off.
poor repressed boys...
I should have sent my thoughts to them,
wished them the freedom to be happy.
ah well, whatcha gonna do.
I wondered, too, what would happen if I had let that word rip from my mouth,
let the word bellow from my lungs.
would it have echoed through campus,
startling and shaking-to-the-core?
would it have been silenced, mid-air, and slapped back against my skin--
hot and angry,
or cold and bitter.
I think...
or would hope,
at least,
that it would float across the air, and slither between the straps of backpacks,
and up pantlegs,
tickling some part of those good kids,
making them smile,
reminding them that they don't have to do everything right all of the time.
that it's ok to live.

well.
that's whatcha get when I go to my old college late at night.

Saturday night.
I get to go to a dinner party with my favorite lesbian couple--
and their favorite gay couple!!!!
my husband is a total homophobe, so he's not going.
I told him that just means he's gay, but he doesn't believe it.
(neither does my pussy.)
anyway, I am somewhere in the realm of pulsating warm light of joy, beyond the limits of pure anticipation.
I can just tell.

hope you have a marvelous day.
if I'm not still sick tomorrow...
MAKE ME go to the god damned gym.
I'm serious.
I can actually hear myself getting fatter.
(it's true!)

kisses from your ear to your collarbone--