Why do I think writing solves everything???

It's like a drug to me.
I feel down, so I want to write.
I feel elated, so I want to write.
whatever.
I guess you win the post lottery today.
which will most likely be follwed by the post-lottery blues,
or the post office party in my pants and no one's invited--
Am I on drugs?
downers.
It's Perry's birthday.
and he's in the Navy, somewhere.
haven't heard from him in years.
that means that yesterday was Travis's birthday,
and they're both 25, now.
zoiks.
that sounds so old, when I think of them.
I had a cradle-robbing year, around 21, alright??
back off.
they were fucking hot.
one in utah, one in maine.
I wrote my first novel about Travis,
and broke a lot of laws with both of them.
they were both musicians,
and I dreamed of bringing them together...
anyway.
Happy birthday, boys.

that was a good distraction.
It seems that I am the neediest person on the planet, sometimes.
I want to be the top priority.
I want to be the only one that matters...
I guess this makes me extremely self-centered,
but that's no big shocker.
I am behaving as if pouring myself onto this page is going to somehow fill me up, make my pieces fit together more tightly.
that's not going to happen.
I need to shake myself free of these cloudy thoughts.
I need to step away from this screen.
I guess maybe I'm in a sulky mood...
everything's going to be fine.
I just don't have very much patience, I guess.
patience.
I should get some--
just like axel rose said.
either that or a massage.
also, a swift kick.
I could do with one of those.

and I realize most of that probably didn't make much sense...


****

story time.

Some stories have no beginning, and no end. This is one of those. It erupts from within, reaching out in all directions, like the rays of a sun in a far-off galaxy. It isn't the story of one person, or one place, or one time--and yet, it is.
****

sadly, that was going nowhere.
it was a fun start, though.

I am left asking all the wrong questions--
of myself.
and I, without the answers...
I don't know if I can hold on much longer.
hauntingly, swirling through my life, yet...
not here.
not...here.

there was the briefest of thunderstorms a little earlier.
loudly cracking thunder--
sharp, long.
I wanted to run outside and watch for lightening.
but I didn't.
I usually do...
but this is the mood I'm in, I guess.