while I was in the shower.
but I can't remember what it was.
actually, I shouldn't even say "really cool"
because honestly...
it was probably completely lame.
but it did happen in the shower,
so at least it has that going for it.
heh.
oh yeah!
I was thinking...
just letting my mind wander off by itself,
as I generally do, in the shower.
I had just stepped into the stream of hot water,
and was letting it soak into me.
and my thoughts were just drifting along,
like a leaf on the current of a stream.
"MOM!!!"
I was suddenly jarred out of la-la land,
leaving jagged edges of my mind's fabric fluttering behind...
how do they do it??
they always seem to zero in on that moment.
that one moment when you're so Zenned out it's almost scary.
and slash through your inner monologue with their sweet little (piercing) voices...
siiiigh.
At least I had already finished the Nair process.
it's no wonder, psychologically/neurologically speaking, that mothers of small children are a wreck.
think of all the half-thinked thoughts taking up space in my ridiculously small head.
I think it's fucking amazing that we only use 10% of our brains.
what do you think we could do with the rest of it???
I have no doubt that the power to fly is in there,
the ability to teleport,
the ability to read minds,
and see the future.
oh yeah, baby.
it's there.
and for $19.95 I'll teach you how to access those powers.
oops, I mean...
um.
shit, I guess I ruined that whole thing!
sometimes I dream of having a secret blog.
one that no one in my real life would ever read.
one where I could be truly anonymous,
and say things...
things that probably ought not to be said...
I just wish spring would hurry the hell up and get here.
I wish I would feel alive again.
and maybe I should stop thinking about who's reading what.
stop thinking about if anyone's reading at all...
I suppose it's possible that I've become disaffected--
with myself.
is that possible?
I mean...
it certainly falls shy of self-loathing,
and isn't at all the same as self-sacrifice,
but maybe I should sacrifice...
something.
just kidding.
I don't know the meaning of that phrase.
glutton.
that's me.
food, sex, sleep--
I gorge myself on all of those.
what the fuck am I talking about?
I am so glad that no one's going to read this.
I still have time to save the post.
...don't I?
yes.
I could go back to where I mentioned Nair...
and detail exactly where I used it.
and how downy soft, and smooth that area is now.
but I don't want to.
I'd rather whine or bitch or lactate or palpate.
fuck this.
I'm going to go pee, and when I get back,
that god damn motherfucking cake better have kicked in and have me spewing sugar-induced hilarity.
or else.
I'm back.
don't feel any different, though.
just FYI
I want to become a swirling mist and slither through the night,
wrapping coolly around each warm body I encounter
I want to settle on the skin, and curl the hair
I want to soak into those bodies,
until I find...
the king of this world,
the prisoner of its atmosphere,
the one...
whoa!!
that was fucking weird
cool
crazy--
I wrote "the one", and then I pushed play on my media player...
the u2 greatest hits was in the drive,
and it was on shuffle.
One.
these are the things that I love in life.
let me live.
let me BE.
...hold on loosely...?
sometimes love is so crushing...
sometimes I wonder if I'm really grown up,
or if this is a story I'm writing, as a child.
life is not beautiful without splattering the black paint of the long list of negatives--
pain
fear
sadness
ugliness
across the technicolor landscape.
we make trades in life, don't we?
better views for a bigger house
small town for big city
freedom for security
passion for comfort
bikini body for baby body
working hard for hardly working
perpetual fear of loneliness for perpetual need for space
constant yearning for contentedness
yeah.
I guess I am one of those people who doesn't flow easily through changes.
and I'm rather annoyed with myself.
what a fucking downer of a friday night post.
I'll do better next time.
but for now,
I think I'll go to bed and watch CRAP.
that should make me feel better.
and if not, I can always expore that whole Nair issue again.
and I do mean explore...
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