Thursday, March 31, 2005

I have just made a startling discovery--

startling because I'm several hundred years behind the rest of civilization,
but thrilling, nonetheless.
I hate coffee.
today it was cold, and I was too lazy to get a sweater.
but the coffee maker was handy...
so i brewed up a pot of Irish cream-flavored gourmet coffee
(that my husband had sneered at).
I added the prerequisite large amount of cream and sugar.
and guzzled.
4 cups in an hour or so.
caffeine does not affect me, oddly enough.
and neither does sugar, really.
I get wound up if I'm really hungry, or if i've been really hungry and then eat--
but never from just eating sugar or drinking caffeine.
so that's not the discovery.
I'm hesitant to get into the details,
though i'm sure any of you who either drink coffee or HAVE FUNCTIONING BRAINS,
know exactly what I'm talking about.
weight loss.
oh, mama, leave the light on, cuz I'm coming home!
ok, so maybe I feel a bit shitty
(please, oh please, have mercy and pardon that horrendous play on words)
but it's worth it.
I'll drink it for a week, and then we'll see if I've lost weight.
don't lecture me.
it's almost summer and I have a pot belly.
I used to be so smug, in high school.
when other girls would complain about their asses.
ha! I would think.
I have no problem with MY ass.
suddenly, I'm wishing for an ass.
thanks ms. lopez.
'ppreciate ya, beyonce.
so when is it going to considered sexy to have a gut, huh???
that's what I want to know.
I am so jealous of girls with asses.
you have no idea.
I have pathetically narrow hips,
which do me no good, because it just makes my waist look wider.
sure, sure.
I know what you're thinking--
don't be a fatty and you won't have to worry about it.
and you're right.
I'm working on it.
did I promise to stop talking about my weight?
I guess that just proves how trustworthy I'm not.
but, I suppose, I AM a girl, so y'all probably knew I wouldn't be able to drop it anyway.
(the subject, not the weight.)

I'm on fire.
and not like bruce springsteen,
or like your weiner after banging that skeevy girl in the truck stop bathroom--
more like...
hell, I dunno.
like something raging and surging--
engulfing an entire forest with its heat.
fire! fire! (beavis)

ok, fine.
so maybe caffeine has me a leeetle bit wired.
I was plotting to rape the pizza man, or at least give him "the eyes" and huskily murmur "why don't you come in and we can re-enact some really bad porn"...
but, ya know.
the kids are here, and stuff.
ok, fine.
I've been possessed by the caffeine demon.
I'll blame everything on that!!
oh, this is perfect.
a whole new world of scape goat-utilizing behavior has opened up to me..
must stop writing, in order to plot devious ways to use caffeine as my bitch.

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