Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thoughts filter through the sogginess...

and slip gently off my fingertips.
ok, maybe they land with a thud--
a clatter, a hiccup.
but they land.

I had a bit of an epiphany last night--
(that always sounds like food to me)
I am different from these girls, in my Dice-playing group.
(yes, that's what we do for our "girls night"...don't mock, it's not your color.)
Hopefully I'm not different from Iof them.
but I am certainly different from the one who has said such hurtful things.
Last night was the first time we directly exchanged words, in 4 months.
it gave me hope...
maybe she didn't really say those things?
maybe she's over it?
as I was leaving.
just as I stepped out the door--
but it was still wide open,
the cutting was done intentionally...
she said--loudly--"so we'll meet at your house, A, on friday?"
exclusion is so jr. high, bitch.
and it stung.
the rest of them are going out, without me.
I walked to my car and drove away,
with an iced over windshield,
hoping I didn't hit a dog.
shedding a few bitter tears.
then my phone rang.
sunshine in my snowstorm.
he gently reminded me...
she's a two-faced bitch, Lisa--
why do you think I've never liked her?

it's true...the mr. has a sharp sense of people's character flaws--
sometimes too black and white for me...
but that's it.
that's what I realized--
I love all my friends, and would never treat someone the way she has treated me.
and in my innocence, I expect the same from them.
I imagine that everyone has good intentions,
and they just plain don't.
I hope that I'm in the majority...
for the sake of our world,
for the sake of the children being raised by these women--
women who could potentially be angles with barbed wire-tongues just like her.
It's hard for me to let go of people...
I love deeply, I hold closely.
and I usually have good insticts--
but I guess I fucked up this time.

so on the drive down there, I was ready to rumble.
I was imagining great dramatic scenes in my head of what I would say to her--
in front of the whole group.
Or how I would announce that I'm quitting the group,
because "someone" has been saying horrible things about me.
but, of course, I wussed out.
drama is not something I like to create.
so instead, i took shitty-quality pictures of the mountains,
with my camera phone,
and sang along to AC/DC and Van Morrison.
I thought about someone I've been missing lately,
and what it would be like (for the 8 millionth time) to touch, to taste, to...
and I wished that I had my real camera with me.
I would have pulled over.
I would have stepped out into the stinging misplaced-winter air--
and snapped.
the clouds were amazing.
the snow in the peaks, the sun setting...
good lord, I love that mountain.
I am now determined to get that shot.


tomorrow night.

but I just found something out, about him, that I am extremely embarassed to have not known before.

he didn't do the vocals on his first 3 albums.
he was a GUITAR prodigy.
and I love the guitar, but I am a voice girl, and I fucking LOVED the voice on his first 3 albums.
his new one, the one he's touring right now, features him, on vocals.
I am willing to bet--
the show is going to surge through me like mercury in my veins--
(yes, it'll kill me. heh.)
it'll pump fire through me,
make the tips of my hair burn a smokeless blue fire,
It'll swirl around, just under my skin, dancing like a hundred hippies at a drum circle--
rhythm, harmony.
no room for peace, but I'll take some love if he's offering.
It's going to rock me til my bones shake,
and my heart follows the beat of the drums.
I will turn into someone else,
for a split second,
and the rush of my soul leaving my body will feel like a full emptiness,
something like air,
but charged with soft waves of electricity...

I was JUST thinking, at the gym yesterday, while listening to Blue on Black,
that I need to see him in concert...
which quickly deteriorated into a day dream of me asking his hotness if I could write his biography.
I'm such a fucking dope.

ok, lovers, liars, leavers, livers(the organ)--
smell ya later
be kind, rewind--
oh, come on, don't tell me you actually rent VHS???
it's 2005, welcome--now throw away your VCR.

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