Monday, May 31, 2004

i woke up this morning wanting to sleep more

just like yesterday.
only today i didn't get to.
and that's okay...
i guess.
i love sleeping, though.
i love lying in bed, drifting in and out of dreams and waking.
had some wild ones last night.

so i decided to try out the "work" thing...
i have a babysitter set up for tomorrow so i can go to the office.
i fear change.
(and not just because it makes my wallet heavy)

my son found some scissors.
so, i gave him some paper, and he is now sitting next to me "giving it a haircut".

i am not feeling it today.
bite me.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

the morning after

as always, here i am--
hungover but happy.
we had a good night last night.
dinner, shopping, bar.
oh, and we ended up with about an hour before we were supposed to meet our friends.
we called my husband's mother.
she wasn't home, so we headed on over and let ourselves in...
boy that kitchen table was wobbly...
and the rug in the hallway was damn scratchy...
and that guest bed was way too bouncy.
but we managed.

so then it was off to the bar.
played some pool, watched the band set up.
and then came one of my old roommates--
the guy who is mostly responsible for me meeting my husband.
i've only seen him once or twice, very briefly since we all lived in that beautiful brick house with the big back yard and the fireplace...
god, i loved that pad.
anyway, it was so, so good to see him.
he's from Argentina, tall, sweet.
he has such a calm presence, and yet he can be alot of fun.
he's getting divorced, but this is not as shattering as the other divorces we've witnessed lately...
they have only been married a year and he even knew she was a wild one.
they had a baby, and i think he hoped it would be her happily ever after.
but it was easy enough for the rest of us to see she will never have one of those--
doesn't want one.
but he did say that his girlfriend of 3 years, my roommate from that house, is moving back to Utah.
i think they'll end up together, even if he doesn't.
she is great---such a kind heart and a fiesty liberal attitude.
and it was nearly a full reunion--our other dear roommate was supposed to come, but ended up stuck at work too late.
this one was recently divorced when i met him, but dating his ex wife.
they were such a volatile couple it was fun to watch at times, but hard...
when he called to say he couldn't make it, the phone was handed to me and we spoke briefly.
i asked how he was doing and he said he hadn't punched any brick walls lately...
i laughed and said that was good.
but just now, i remembered why he punched that wall that night on our laughing way to the bar...laughter spiralling into tears for him.
tears of anger and jealousy.
in his pain of getting over his wife he had tangled into love with me.
i didn't even know yet when he punched the side of that building...
we were only ever friends, as far as i knew--as far as i wanted.
he is dear.
he was a good friend--cute, even.
(columbian, this one.)
but not for me.
he sounded happy, well.
he is just opening a photography studio with a friend.

so there was a really bad band playing, but we danced anyway.
for as little as i drank, i don't remember much.
i hit on a guy, by mistake.
we were both waiting to order drinks, side by side at the bar.
i noticed on his pinky finger a ring--
THE mormon ring...bearing the letters CTR, which stands for choose the right.
as he grasped his pitcher of beer, waiting for change...
i said, "nice ring."
he smiled, "yeah, i always try to..."
I gave him the half-smile and nodded to his golden pitcher...
"mm. that's good choice of beer..."
he laughed. "definitely. i like to think i make good choices."
"i love the irony."
it was funny...but maybe you have to get the mormon thing.

so i've discovered a couple of great blogs.
three, actually.
they are all fairly new, but really well written....
First there is An Extension of Mind.
funny and him!
then there is The Lowland Seed
a very good read...and he likes my nipples, so he can't be all bad!!
and then there is Sanity Adrift
cool guy, check it out.

now i'm off to attempt a new dye job...
this time i am not being stupid about it--
i am going to the girl i know and trust.
i will look good.
i'm having her dye and wax my eyebrows, too.
i love that little prick of pain as she pulls the strips off.
and i love having nice dark eyebrows to match my fakely dark hair...
what a high maintenance girl i'm turning into!!
this is ridiculous.
i'm going to go on strike.
maybe not.
but just don't tell on me, okay?

have a wonderful weekend...

Friday, May 28, 2004

Fantasy Friday

standing in the rain, i wonder if you'll come.
i dumped you last week, and this call...
well, this call you probably shouldn't have answered.
but you did.
and here i stand...
watching the headlights flick past me, i count them until i get to yours.
you pull over, splashing me.
an asshole, as ever.
i close my umbrella, and collapse into the seat.
your tires throw up gravel as you dart back out into traffic, barely waiting for my door to close.
the music is loud.
my stomach starts to wonder what the hell i'm doing.
i don't look at you, you don't talk to me--
you drive faster.
when the car stops, we both sit for a moment, the raindrops drowning out the sound of our breathing.
i start to speak, but your door flies open, then slams closed and my thought turns to a sigh.
you open my door and offer me a hand--such an ironic move, so out of character.
my face begins to take the shape of defiance, defensiveness...disgust.
you pull me out into the rain, dropping my hand and walking off into the dark.
I follow, obediently.
you don't bother with lights, but we are inside.
i only know this because the air is dry, though the rain has done its job to soak us.
i put a hand to my hair out of habit...though in a darkness so solid it doesn't matter.
before i can breathe in again, you have pressed me against the wall--
all of you against all of me, your warmth coming through our wet clothes.
your teeth graze my neck and i melt.
the smell of your wet leather jacket is its own kind of aphrodisiac and i reach for your face.
pulling it down to mine, i remind you that i made the call.
i told you to be here.
you kiss me back and i am lost...
your hands struggle against my drenched clothes, which are keeping you from my skin.
buttons pop off, seams are stretched...
you pin my hands and whisper the first words of the night--
you are mine
it comes out a snarl, a growl--hard and possesive.
...and sends a thrill from my toes to my lips--
i arch into you, my arms struggling against your hold.
you grip my wrists more tightly, but meet my arching body.
i let out a groan as we meet, all the muscles in my body tightening.
your face is next to mine, scratching me.
i want to kiss you softly, tell you i love you.
instead, i say--
i belong to no one.
you step back, and with one hand turn me around, sliding back into place before i've even braced myself against what feels like a couch.

 Posted by Hello
i gasp as your hand comes down on me.
i smile into the cushions, knowing you're as glad as i am that i called.

 Posted by Hello


i think i need a cigarette.
happy friday, friends!

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Just got home from watching some goooood porn...

well, that's not what the FCC is calling it.
but for me...
I don't know--nor do i give even the smallest shit--what the critics are saying about this movie.
i loved it.
every minute of it.
although, for all the talk of "men's naked asses"--quite a let down.
i hardly saw enough ass to catch my eye.
if it weren't for Achilles and Paris, I'd have been left cold.
oh, i loved the story in general, i've always loved the Greek mythology, Homer, etc.
so i would have enjoyed it even if it was a cheaply made History Channel special--make no mistake about that.
but day-um.
those boys are purdy.

okay, enough about that.
i went to the movie with one of my very best girlfriends.
one who made the rather abrupt decision to divorce her husband a few weeks ago.
it still seems rather unreal to me, and tonight...
he brought the kids here to hang out with my husband and kids while we went out.
she came here to pick them up.
seeing the two of them putting their sleeping kids in their car---
like i have dozens of other times after an evening of ALL of us hanging out here...
it twisted my heart just a little.
it doesn't seem right, still.

in other news...
my oldest friend left a message on my phone while i was in the theater.
we grew up as sisters--spending more time together than most sisters.
looking alike, talking alike, dreaming alike...
by high school we had had enough of each other and branched out a bit...
although i only learned last year that she felt deserted, left behind.
we needed our space, but as we came home for summers during college we grew together again.
she is amazing and wonderful and wild and free...
she is a sunbird, these past few years--Montana by summer, Arizona by winter.
and the freeway connecting these two places runs through my backyard.
so she stops on her way past, and we catch up.
it's a warm feeling, a feeling of abated homesickness.
on her way south, in the fall she had the interest of a publisher, in her poetry.
i can't wait to hear all her stories and news of the winter.

hellloooooo, baaaaaaaaaby!

I'm not the big bopper, but that song drifted through my head, so there it is.
Chantilly Lace.
we did a really gay half-time routine to it once in high school.

there are rain clouds again.
i love spring!
after the spring ends we will not see rain again until october.
it's weird.
weirder still, that i still compare everything here to how it is in Maine.
Did you know that Maine got it's name from french fishermen who worked off the islands?
it was the mainland, and in french that was, "la maine".
did you also know that Maine was part of Massachusetts until 1820?
AND did you know...
that summer mornings always start with dew covered grass?
that the ocean smells like salt and coldness?
that the ocean invades the shoreline relentlessly in the form of tidal rivers, ten thousand fingers digging into the earth...
that pine needles blanketing the forest floor are slippery, but in a different way than a moss covered rock...

and then there's fucking Utah.
to steal a line from Ellen Degeneres....
it's overpopulated with the wrong kind of people.
i remember once, just wanting some solitude in a beautiful place...
so i drove to one of the canyons and parked.
people everywhere.
so i tried another.
and another.
and another.
no solitude.
and another time?
i just wanted some water--a body of water...
so i drove to Utah Lake, which is enormous.
at first, i couldn't find a road which led there.
and finally i did and it was a boat launching place, overrun with loud trucks and people.
i have since discovered some places that are less-known.
but for the most part, there is just nowhere to go to escape the people here.
it doesn't usually bother me anymore.
i even bought one of the cookie cutter houses that i have despised since i moved here.
i crave a drafty old victorian.
something with 150 years of creaks in the hardwood floors.
something with character.

oh well.
enough bitching.
we're thinking of taking a little trip this weekend.
that would be fun, but it would also be nice to just chill at the house--get some fucking flowers planted.
everyone's roses are in bloom--it's gorgeous!!
i'm sooooo tempted to sneak around one night and "borrow" a few...
hey, most of them are dying on the vine: they need to be liberated.
(in an ultra dramatic move, i could say that i relate...)
for the record, it wouldn't really be true.
i just want to get my kids the hell out of Utah before their prime socialization starts.
this place is twisted and sick.
which reminds me of a sticker i had in my collection as a little girl:
"you're perverted twisted and sick--i like that in a person"
there was a little bear with a flower or something innocent like that.
but, that is still my motto.
i should find that sticker.
...or a life.
or some fucking earplugs.
or at the very least, a good therapist.

i couldn't possibly have anything of interest to say

so i'm not sure why i'm bothering with this.
i think it's a compulsion at this point...
not really a choice, just something that i do.
like the crack. y'know.

as usual...i had a great workout, blah blah blah.
i ran hard for a while and it felt good--
surprisingly light.
played outside with the kiddos for a while--gorgeous weather.

anyway...i had an interesting day.
i did something that i've never done before.
something i'm a little ashamed of.
okay, a lot.
and i didn't think i would write about it here.
but i don't know...
i guess the one thing i've always stayed true to is that i would spill my guts here.
(ooh, bad choice of words...)
now, before i tell this, just promise you won't take it too seriously.
i attacked the leftoever birthday cake...
like, took a fork to the cake and just ate off all the frosting, including cake.
it was disgusting.
i was disgusted with myself.
went to the bathroom and stuck a toothbrush down my throat.
oh, god.
just writing that i feel like a 16 year old blonde in designer jeans.
that's not something i would ever do but i did...
i don't know how i did it, or really why.
except that i was annoyed with my pathetic lack of self control.
it wasn't pretty.
and i'll never do it again.
and, yeah, just like with real bulimics it was probably about more than food.
i needed to confess this, so that it's not a secret, because that's what would make it a problem..
or at least that's my rationale.
don't lecture me.
like i said, i've never done that before.
and i really doubt that i'll ever do it again.
i cried the whole time.
but i felt better after.
jesus christ.
i'm an after school special.
i changed my mind--lecture me!!
tell me to grow the fuck up.

Okay, on to something pleasant.
there are some cool things for me to take pictures of, around my neighborhood.
i keep not having my camera, so i haven't yet.
besides, i think the shutter's having issues...
but the light has been great lately, and i keep seeing things.
not dead people, fortunately.
so i will try and capture some of the scenes.
...the field across the street is dotted with bales of hay, for one.

j'espere que le ciel serait bleu demain.
je souhaite que je serais une etoile dans le ciel.
j'ai besoin de quelque chose.
je ne sais pas--

ooh ooh, there's a guy from Salt Lake on Leno.
he's going to play the ceiling fan.

look on the bright side--it's almost Friday.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

it's a beautiful day outside

and i feel like a million bucks--maybe two.
I think it's because i didn't skip the gym yesterday.
and i didn't skip beer yesterday...
and i didn't skip sex yesterday.
those are all things which are good to not skip--make a note of it.

I feel just terribly energetic today, it's downright bizarre.
i've been such a lazy lump lately that i'm not sure what to do with myself.
(well, okay, i can always figure out what to do with myself, wink-wink...)
but i feel like i should accomplish all sorts of things with this surprise boost of the wiggles...
don't worry--i won't.
i'll sit here like the lazy ass that i am, ensuring that the balance of the universe remains intact...

i don't know if i can keep writing about nothing for much longer.
i may have to start making things up.
or telling more secrets.
or starting fights...
good god.

i'll probably start working next week.
just writing that, i'm doubting my decision.
i mean....
going to the office??
what the hell was i thinking?
yeah, that'll be fun.
interacting with real people???
giving up the freedom to just mill about the house all day??
don't know...

and now, just like that, the giddiness is gone.
hellllllooooo surliness!!
"hello darlin, it's nice to see ya, it's been a loooong time, you're just as lovely..."
name that artist.
nah, scratch that.
if you can name that artist, i'll slap you.
that's not much of a threat is it??

well, since i can't think of a damn thing to say, without being grumpy, grouchy and generally a big fat bitch...
i guess i'll sign off for now.
but never fear--i'll be back.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Unfortunately (for you) i have the Audio Blogger number memorized...

then when i'm driving along and hear something funny on the radio...
well, come on!!!
like i'm going to bug one of my real friends with this crap??
but i had to tell someone.
lucky you.
i remain the biggest dork you'll ever meet.
if you don't have long to live, i really wouldn't recommend listening to this.
huge waste of time.

this is an audio post - click to play

...and i have even less time today

so does that mean my post will be even longer?
yeah, probably.
cuz my theory is: the more i have to do, the more i get done.
or at least, the more i have to do, the more unimportant stuff i get done...

so last night my husband decides it's time to rearrange our bedroom.
fortunately he did most of the work, but i was still freaking exhausted after.
does anyone know how hard it is to dismantle a king sized bed and wrestle it around??
well, for me--not so easy.
but it was cool.
and now we both hate how the room looks, so that's a plus.
there are some improvements, but it's a HUGE room, and now the bed is against a wall, so i have to go on a frigging trek just to get into it.
or out of it.
and lord knows i am too lazy to deal with that shit.
AND the tv is at a weird angle so i have to twist....
so we'll probably fuck with it again later.
and of course, the husband deserves a big round of applause because he cleaned the bathrooms for me.
cuz he knows how much i hate bathroom cleaning.

it's cold and grey today.
just like my feet.
minus the "grey" part.

i keep wondering why i'm hearing birds sing.
they sound so fresh and happy.'s just the Bob the Builder website.
but they're pissing me off.

you know...
i keep forgetting to ask you--
and it's important stuff, so i don't know how i forgot.
Neil Diamond: yay or nay?
okay, i've actually covered this before...
but i never bothered to ask how you folks feel about him.
me, i have issues.
let's say there are extenuating circumstances.
and, for the record, i am so unfamiliar with John Denver as to have been called a traitor to our country...
this could not possibly be my fault.
it's how i was raised.
in fact, that reminds me...
my friend's (fantastically hippie) parents had Seargant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, LP.
and great was the day when we figured out how to record it onto a tape.
i was thrilled to head home with my own copy of it.
i listened and listened and listened.
then J. informed me that most of their songs were about drugs.
talk about a buzz kill.
(yes, i used that term for its irony--i am cool.)
this little 8 year old mormon freak would not listen to it anymore.
it's okay, i don't regret being raised like that.
it has given me my set of issues--cuz, we all have ours, and where would i be with no issues???

okay, well.
on that note, i guess i'll head off into the world, with a basket in the crook of my arm and beautiful red hooded cape...
um, no.
that's not me.
but i might put a new song list on my mp3 player, and strap it onto the crook of my arm...and i don't wear red much so....fuck this.

have a good day.
or i'll kick your ass.

Monday, May 24, 2004

no time to write

tons to do.

and i had some crazy-ass dreams last night.
involving a secret genetic research center tucked away in the mountains...
with sea mammals getting killed in this huge tank of water.
and lions who turn into people at will, then hunt down lion hunters and corner them, turning back into lions to kill them.
that part really freaked me out.
then there was the obligatory puzzling sex scene.
i always have one of these, they're usually rather nice, but quite often the person i'm shagging is a complete mystery.
this time it was one of the few good-looking guys from my high school class that i never had a crush on.
hardly ever talked to him either, so how the hell he snuck into my subconcious is beyond me.
and we were in my sister's room, the way it looked in high school.
fucking weird.

this post sucks.
and i don't mean in the good way.
this post is so bad that i might even delete it.
but i'm betting that if you're reading this, i didn't.

i just have nothing to say.
the sun is shining, the sky is blue.
but who gives a shit?
i mean, really.
blah blah blah blah blah..............
fuck you and fuck you, and yes, definitely fuck you--hi there....and fuck you and fuck you!!!!!
it probably seems as though i've been ornery a lot lately.
i really haven't.
well, that's a lie, i have.
but it seems that after i vent my little guts on here, i feel better.
so, like, thanks and stuff.

i want to dazzle you today.
i want to pull at some hidden part of you and make you want things you didn't know existed.
i want to crawl inside your head and sift through your hopes and fears and paint them all on a wall so you don't forget to chase the hopes and so you can see that the fears are not so dark and ugly.
i want to sit on satin pillows in the most serene and quiet place and feel a cool fresh breeze and smell flowers and just float like that for hours or days and not know anything else.
i want to change the world, but i don't know what change i would make if i could.
i want to be the master of time--so i can make it stop or go back sometimes.

still don't feel different.
maybe i'm chasing a high of some strange variety.
maybe i should step away from the computer and do the 8 million things i have to do today.

or maybe i should sit here and purge my brain onto the keyboard until my fingers hurt.
maybe i should throw away the leftover birthday cake that is sitting in the pantry...
it is a Siren, sitting on the shelf, behind that door...
the sweetest song i've ever heard, imploring me to give it a home within my body.
and I am not as strong as Odysseus.

on a happy note (and, frankly, a slightly more SANE one...)
there are only 26 days until my birthday, and i'm quite excited.
not sure why.
i finally got around to doing an amazon wishlist thingy for my husband, so i can still be surprised and yet i know i will like what he gets me...
he does a pretty good job, lately, but this was fun anyway.
and the week after my birthday, it's Christmas in June, over on The Real World...Blogger Style.
so, in light of those things, i'm going to put a link up to my wishlist.
yes, i think it's presumptuous and rude and downright hilarious--so that's why i'll do it!!!!
because with pictures like this floating around, who knows what'll happen???

Sunday, May 23, 2004

would somebody kill me...please??

I promise i won't press charges.
i just need a bullet to the head and i'm too whimpy to do it myself.
the reason?
two words: krispy kreme.
and i was raised on dunkin donuts, so to me these are not even that great.
but it didn't stop me from eating no less than THREE of the little bastards last night.
and this is from a girl who doesn't even eat sugar in the form of white flour anymore.
as i was licking my fingers after that last one went down...
i said to my husband, "i'm either going to puke, or pass out. either way, just wanted to say i love you before it all gets ugly..."
he laughed and made fun of me for my over-indulgence.
and you know, i didn't even feel that bad.
so what did i do?
you're damn straight: i had 3 more for breakfast.
and NOW i feel like dying.
i knew i could push it far enough.

you know what's funny?
well, nothing right now.
especially the fact that i probably gained a minimum of 12 pounds.
but what i was going to say is, it's funny that my kids don't have an intellectual concept of what being a twin is.
i mean, they know how it feels, but they don't realize that they're different yet.
i thought that was cool...

phone calls, kids--gotta go.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Housewives gone wild!

well, not exactly.
but last night was fun.

i wore "the" cleavage shirt again.
so that was a hit.

there was beer and pool, of course.
and a live band--doing sort of swing/ska kind of stuff...
and Becky and i were the life of the party.
when we spent the second set dancing on stage we were dubbed "JJ 45 Dancers"
i have no idea what that meant.
good times.

so today's weather has been interesting.
first of all it's chilly--60's.
second of all, it rained for--literally--2 minutes.
it was weird.
and the clouds are cool--with blue spots all over, but rain clouds everywhere else.
shadows on the mountains.
wind blowing.

and hey--who knew?
writing is no easier with an 8 year old talking to me than it is with two 4 year olds.
he's been quietly playing Starcraft since lunch, and now that i've put the boys down for their nap: he's "bored".

i was going to bake him a lovely birthday cake, but when i asked him what kind he wanted, it turns out he wants an oreo cake that he saw at the store.
fine by me!!
good god, i'm lazy.
and scattered.
and annoyed that my computer is falling apart from the outside.
at least it's not the inside, but still.
and not so much "falling apart" as being picked away at by the twinners.
so, less passivity, more aggression.

and i wish his father wasn't asleep so he could entertain the long and lanky one with no front teeth who is flopping around the playroom sighing and declaring boredom.

maybe i'll read all afternoon.
that is, if the little ones ever fall asleep.
damn they're stubborn.

okay, this is going nowhere faster than a bus with no wheels.
so i guess i'll sign off for now.
but i'm itching to do another audio post, and i am going to add some pictures back to buzznet.
so maybe you'll see more of my ornery ass later.
(heh. quite literally, actually)

Friday, May 21, 2004

Fantasy Friday

Why is it that i start every fantasy post with the same whining??
the rambling thoughts of a girl with no direction, no plan....
i don't have a thing to write today either.
i'll try...
sometimes i believe that my imagination is limited by my reality.
i won't let myself dream things that could never happen because it hurts too much.
when i imagine things, i live them, so it's easier to not imagine certain scenarios.
if i plan to be a "real" writer, i suppose this is something i'll have to work on.
i have to remind myself that these don't have to be MY fantasies.
hell, half of them haven't been.
deep breaths, drama queen.
depp breaths.
heh. nice typo...i would love to feel johnny depp's breath on my neck...


I climb in through your window, as quietly as the moon in its perch.
my feet bare, i pad across the cool hard floor.
that slow-breathing mound in the shadows is my goal.
i pull my shirt off, step out of my shorts, careful not to hit the creaky board just before i reach your bed.
you sigh and roll over, stretching.
you mumble something and pull a pillow into your chest.
i pause, and turn toward your door, quietly turning the lock.
when i turn back to you, there is a sliver of moonlight across your face and i smile.
this distracts me, so i step on the creaky board after all.
it almost wakes you, but i slide under the blanket before it does.
my skin feels cool to me against your warmth, and i run my hand along your side.
you put an arm around me, rubbing my back, gently.
you're still asleep.
i press myself to you, and kiss your soft, sleeping lips.
you kiss me back, slowly learning that i'm not your dream.
you pull back to look at me for a second, smiling.
you're back...
i have missed you, and i am here to show you how.
my hand slips down and pulls you into me.
how was your trip?
i gently push you from your side to your back, leaning low and nuzzling your neck.
i don't care where i was, all i know is i'm home.
your parents are asleep across the hall, but i couldn't wait.
did you finish your english homework?
i breathe an affirmative into your ear, then shut you up with a kiss--
long and deep, as i grind into you.
the bed squeaks so i slow difficult as it is.
my nails leave marks on your shoulders, my breath tickles your ear...
you hold my hips and rock me against you.
i sit up, one hand on your bedpost, one hand on my breast.
you groan softly and i giggle a "shh"...
we both end up biting pillows to keep from waking your parents with our ecstasy.
i reset your alarm, then snuggle into you.
tightly wound together, we sleep soundly until i must climb back out your window and go home to get ready for school.


so there.
happy friday, happy weekend to you all.

just trying out this cool new blogger feature... Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 20, 2004

thursday will begin

that's a line from a song that none of you could possibly know.
so, pardon the obscure reference.

what do i have to say today?
probably a little bit of nothing, as usual.
but it's possible that today i will unveil the meaning of life.
...i could, since i do know the meaning of life.
but it's really complex and i just don't have the patience to field all the questions you would surely have for me.

i nearly poked a hole in my eardrum today.
with a Qtip.
or rather, a cheap ass immitation of a Qtip.
that's what i get for asking the Mr. to pick up a few things...
don't me get wrong--he's awesome.
he just didn't realize that sub-par brands of cotton swabs can by dangerous weapons.
or maybe he did--?
but it really hurt, and it kind of scared me.
i mean, what if i really damaged my hearing?
beyond its current level of crap-ass performance, i mean.
i can't hear shit half the time.
and i mumble.
so that's nice.
(soon you'll all realize that i'm not kidding about being a dirty old man)

my shoulders are killing me.
had a killer workout with my buddy Dave yesterday.
dude shrugs 85 pounds in each hand.
i did TEN in each hand and my traps felt like they were going to fall off.
boys suck.
not that i really want to lift that much, but it's just amazing, the difference.
it was a good workout, but i used it as an excuse to skip cardio...
i'm getting so bored with cardio that even reading doesn't help.
what's wrong with me??
this is bad--i am too much of a fat ass to skip cardio.

so we thought it would be fun to take the little ones to the bigger one's soccer game.
"we" being NOT ME.
i knew it would be hellish torment.
and i was right.
the stepson lives about an hour away, so of course the twinlets fell asleep in the car.
and woke up as ornery as I do.
it was fine.
stepson did a great job--when he was goalie the other team didn't score any goals, and his team ended up winning--they always do.
but i got a chilling view of the legendary herd of "soccer moms".
that, ma frens, is the stuff of nightmares.
that i'll be living in just over a year.

aw, damn!
my neck hurts so bad!!!
i think i worked my shoulders way too hard.
i think my head is going to snap off.
seriously, if you hit my neck just right i think it would crack in two because of the tension.

and i continue to avoid my life in favor of this computer.

reason #412 why i hate utah:
my skin looks like the discarded skin of a snake.
or the skin of an alligator, but that's just such a cliche.
i use gallons of moisturizer but i can't seem to keep ahead of the climate.

and also.
i was so excited to hear Van Halen announce a Salt Lake stop on their summer tour.
with my Sammy....
of course, it happens to fall during the middle of my trip to Maine.
fuckity fuck.
i think my heart is breaking just a little...

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

well, i just had an interesting flashback

my first anonymous email-type exchange with a boy.
where much cleverness ensued, but i was too shy to do jack shit about it.
that's so weird...
all from writing "well", because he said "yeah that place where you get water".
email hadn't even really been invented yet.
i think i was 15, so that would be like...1990.
old old old old old old old
i'm going to be 29 in exactly one month.
holy fucking shit.
one month from today.
that's cool.
i'll probably get all dramatic and pretend to be freaked out, but i won't be for real.
or maybe i will.
but i'm not now.
i might be if my life was different, but for me--i feel satisfied to be this age and be doing what i'm doing.
i feel like i'm still young enough to do all the 4 million things i still want/need to do.
and i feel like i've accomplished some things...some very permanent cute little bundles of things, not to mention other stuff.
the email-type thang...
it was weird.
we had a computer room at school, and i would go there to waste time.
cuz lord knows the hardest classes that shit hole had to offer were still a snooze.
(well, okay, until i took chemistry the same semester i got my first boyfriend...who has time for uber-anal lab reports when you're on a strict make-out schedule with the dreamiest boy in school?? shuh. as if.)

so...the email thingy thang thing.
nothing big, it was just cool.
there was this program, and i don't even remember what it was or how it worked, but it was sort of like a message board, i think....
so this boy and i went back and forth for a couple of weeks.
it was really fun, because i had no idea who he was for the longest time.
(this was pre-dreamiest boy in school era)
he was a senior, to my sophomore.
he was one of the artsy types.
rather cute, upon inspection.
not intimidating, really--beyond the fact that he was a boy, at least.
he figured out who i was fairly quickly--saw me in there once or something.
it was fun, but sadly, beyond my maturity level.
as in--i didn't have the fucking ability to talk to a boy.
it blows my mind when i think about it.
things certainly changed in that respect!
look at me now, eh?

okay, i'm looking.
and i'm noticing several disturbing things.
firstly of allness--i have been tanning nude at the fucking salon for long enough that the god DAMN farmer's tan shouldn't be an issue.
but it is.
my arms are clearly more white on the upper portion. gah.
and the other thing is this...
you might want to sit down.
or phone a friend.
or prepare a hot compress, or a cool one--i have no idea which would be more useful at this point.
i've been noticing a disturbing trend, and i don't think i'll be alone in my angst when i tell you what it is.
the weight loss fairy?
turns out she has a mean streak.
that little back stabber has been sneaking off with something extra--something that was NOT part of the agreement.
her little game has cost me some boobage.
how is that possibly, even remotely fair?
i'm going to sue.
or at least reconsider my stance of "proud of what i got."
fuck that.
i want my tits back, and if i can't have "mine" i'll take some out of a box, off the rack....heh. you know what i mean.

seriously: i fucking love writing at night.
i just got up to jot down a quick book idea, which turned into a great first page thingy.
i'm kind of excited about it cuz i think it's goood.
but it's probably lame, or at least i'll probably never find the right place in my head or my gut or my shoes to really figure it out properly and put it on paper. or disk.
i don't think i even have paper.
my fingers can barely form words with a pen anymore.

and i think that's all for now.
possibly because it's bed time.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

well, it's still Tuesday

in my time zone, at least.

I'm really glad i had never heard The Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" before i named my babies.
Maxwell Edison sounds an awful lot like Maxwell Edwin (his middle name).
and that song is great...but DAMN! It's just creepy.
what a crazy playlist i'm listening to here.
i'll spare you the details...
not sure you could handle knowing.
i mean, so many decades, so many genres...
i'm almost shuddering myself.

well, there's some lame, annoying shit going on at the high school today.
which means that there are cars parked all the way down to my house.
i feel more than a little claustrophobic.
i'm serious.
and sick--but i think that is an entirely separate issue.
or a separate peace.
or a separate piece.

oh this music...
now i feel like dancing.
with a strobe light.
a disco ball
that sweet smelling smoky stuff they pump out at bad clubs.
--a bubble machine!!
i want my Docs for the mosh pit
i want my jeans...the levi 501's that sit on my hips perfectly
i want to be covered in sweat, hair wild, part of the music.
i want to do john travolta moves, i want to head bang.
i want to swing dance with a tall boy (hi honey).
i want to slow dance with him too...
i want to dance like the flashdance chick.
i want to wear a twirly skirt and spin around in a circle, looking up at the sky...
i wish i had my damn cheerleader uniform, to see if i can squeeze into that puppy!
hmm. maybe i'll look up my coach when i'm home in july.
see if she can hook me up.

well, like i said--it's till tuesday.
so i guess i'll go do some tuesday sorts of things.
like showering, going to the gym and taking the kids to the playground.
those are pretty much Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday things too.
and you wonder why i spend so much time HERE???????
stop wondering.
and know--it's because my life is a leetle bit on the monotonous side.
oh wait, i just remembered--i need to go to the office and pick up a new project.
yee haw!
my favorite spice girl.

have a good day, and seriously: give some good head if you have the chance.
it's your way of making the world a little smilier.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I'm a blogging fool today

but it's only because there is laundry to be done.
the name of my game is procrastination.
and i'm a gold medalist.

but seriously...
i just got home from the gym.
mondays used to be hot guy day.
hot girl day.
and not in that good way.
more like, no men to check out, just 3 or 4 women who were so much hotter than me that i wanted to cry.
or trip them.

it had me so flustered that i ended up eating a whole handful of my kids' fries on the way home.
and now i'm chewing gum to keep from eating anything else.
silly girl.
i swear to all the gods that my hormones are still raging out of control.
and i'm going to use that line until i pass out.

okay, time to get busy.
a quick poll for you all, in case you're bored:

1. have you ever had sex in a bar bathroom?
2. have you ever danced in the rain?
3. have you ever cried in public?

i have a song stuck in my head

and i don't know what it is or who sings it.
but i DO know that i hate it.
truly, madly and deeply.
of course, i'll probably start liking it pretty soon.
you expose me to something enough and it almost always grows on me.

this is the week of weird dreams, i guess.
last night's episode featured a group of my high school girlfriends.
having a dinner party...with make your own pizzas.
only, instead of crust, there were marinated chicken breasts to put your toppings on.

my site meter thingy was malfunctioning, so i had to go check it out.
i don't often check the details of my traffic, but since i was there--
i thought it might be fun to see some of the search words that led people here...

"camera phone" stairs up skirt
pocatello sucks
splenda neurosis
bored horny women
back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick
real housewife porn
horny housewife free sex
pictures of rooster tatoos
"play strip" -online-computer

and of course, 6 or 7 "bored housewife" ones.
a few of those even ended up staying for a while.
apparently they were stubborn ones--"there has to be some porn around here somewhere!"

i'm a little disappointed, frankly.
i was hoping for some really wild and strange stuff.

so, my husband shaved his goatee today.
he never asks me first, and i always hate it.
guess that's why he doesn't ask...
but still.
you would think he would warn me or something.
i even dyed my hair dark at his request, even though i prefer going lighter.
(in case you're wondering if i'm a hypocrite.)
so there.

i remember the funniest experience i ever had with a boy.
it was one summer, um...i was 21 that year and i went home for my sister's wedding.
i spent a couple of days with my friend, in her small, college town in western Maine.
we went to a party, there was a cute boy.
he was younger, someone she worked with at the bakery...
um, i think he was 18 or 19? don't remember.
also have no clue what his name is.
but it's okay, just wait.
i don't remember how we ended up outside, i'm thinking in a hammock?
it was late.
we were just talking, then BAM, no warning--his hand was up my shirt.
no kissing.
i jumped, he realized his mistake and it was over.
i think.
i mean, i know nothing more happened, but i just can't really think of how it all ended.
all i remember is the strangeness of it--how out of place it seemed.
poor kid.

now i'm in story telling mode....

i remember my last night in town before leaving for college.
stopping at the boy's house to say goodbye, around midnight.
he slept on the sailboat that summer--to protest his parents' decision not to put it in the water.
so i knocked on the hull, like he told me.
this boy...
the one i had loved since jr. high.
the one who had a girlfriend.(i had a boyfriend)
the one who was my best guy friend anyway...
with all our inside jokes and late night study sessions.
he is still the smartest person i've ever met--and frighteningly well-rounded:
handsome, musical, athletic, funny.
that wet, cool night.
it had rained, the air thick with humidity, the streets swirling in fog.
i knocked on the hull, and he came out.
we stood in the dark, talking for a long time, then decided to take my car to the carwash.
to not say goodbye.
i returned him to his backyard, to the boat.
he invited me in for a tour.
we laid on the two slim beds and talked in the dark.
each of us aware of the other's girl/boy friend.
each of us aware of the other.
an awkwardness was subtly creeping in...
we headed back outside, for the final farewell.
he had to work early, i had to be on a bus early.
we stood, shivering, laughing to not cry.
both of us overwhelmed by this end of an era--
the golden age of small town life and being the brightest stars in that sky.
he would start MIT the next week.
i would be 3000 miles away, and a world apart in my mormon cocoon.
we knew life would never be the same.
as we hugged one final time, i know i didn't want to let go.
we stayed that way for a long time.
as i stepped back, there was a fumbling, near-bumping of heads.
driving away, it hit me, with the delay of bad mexican food--
he had attempted to kiss me.
and my tears fell harder.
"runaway train" playing on my radio, i drove slowly, for once.

i could write a book about that boy.
we saw each other through some tough times in college...
and saw each other marry with light hearts, and genuine smiles.
a good friend.

have a fantastical monday.
i plan to.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

i think i need to stop

eating, maybe?
tanning, certainly.
feeling full and crispy.

it's been a lovely weekend, though.
rollerblading today.
well, for about 5 minutes.
then we were tired, so we turned around.
and when we got back to the car we felt like blading some more.
but we didn't.
we drove around listening to pearl jam, ten.
singing every damn word.
windows down, sunroof in the trooper open.
legs sticking to the leather seats...
i saw the lake and had to go.
so we took one of the many FUCKING roundabout routes to get there...
passing a soccer field, train tracks...the defuct steel plant.
and finally reaching the edge of the lake, a slow winding road with little traffic.
the sky such a clear, dark blue.
the mountains surprisingly green for this desert.
the water was a dull greenish blue, muddy.
beautiful, if dirty.
water always calms me, soothes my aches and itches and worries and breathing...
and pearl jam takes care of the rest.
so it was a moment of perfection, clarity, whatever.
it was good.

then we destroyed that mood by going bathing suit shopping.
and then i was late relieving hubby from kid watch making him late for his Tee Time.
(not to be confused with tea time...)
then it was naptime so i got to just chill all afternoon.
i need to do something crazy.
something wild and adventurous.
something jarring.
something of a different temperature, texture, color.
i need to grab a frosty mug of life and just chug.
i need to unglue my feet from this present, this location.
i need to burst forth from a canon.
i need to fly from a trapeze and purposely miss the hands reaching for me--flying off into the night sky.
higher and higher....
i need a new drug.
or a new duck.
or a new doo.
or a new diet.
or someone to smack me.

good night, good luck, good head.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

my very first audio post

soooo cute.
and as i listened to the playback, i realized that i sound EXACTLY like my childhood best friend, Julie. holy shit. i felt like i was listening to her talk.

so, enjoy.
or don't.
hell, make fun of me, i don't care.
i mean, i might cry, but other than that, i can take it.

have a happy saturday.
and say no to cramps.
(and gramps--he's such a perv)

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, May 14, 2004

so who said life is fair?

no one.
or if they did, they were wrong.
or stupid.
or deserve to be kicked in the head.

i hate hormones.
i think they should all be replaced with moaning whores.
waaaay better.
even with the std's, i'd take whores over this crap any day.
i'm pouting, and i shouldn't be.
it's nice to know i haven't matured at all in the last 15 years.
comforting, really.
and my stupid bloated gut is pissing me off.
and i hide from all my household duties in front of this stupid screen.
there is laundry to be folded.
dinner to be started.
fuck that.
fuck all of it.
from the top of the list right on down---
fuck it all right to bloody hell.

and YOU thought my pms was over.
("you" being me...)
apparently there is no statute of limitations on crabbiness.

it is a beautiful day outside, though.
the boys and i had a picnic outside, in our yard.
they said, "can we sit on the grass? the sidwalk is too dirty."
uh, damn. i was hoping to sit on the sidewalk.
it was nice to sit in the sun, the perfect temperature.

so now i'll do a little work.
we're actually staying in tonight, and i'm looking forward to it.

have a good weekend.

Fantasy Friday....

this is getting harder and harder...
(shuh--that's what she said)

riding along in an old pick up truck, the windows open, the gravel road a tunnel of dust behind us....
the heat is heavy and thick--the wind coming in is hot.
there is a perfect spot for swimming ahead.
all i can think is: i don't have my swimming suit. and my dad would kill me.
i glance over at you, and my body fights the outside heat to remind me how you make me feel.
i've never even had a real boyfriend...
Joey Reid is taking me to the prom next week, but we've been friends since 3rd grade.
and he's just a boy.
you have no idea how much i've watched you--wanted you.
...since the day my parents hired you to train our horses for competition.
you treat me like a little sister...but today i hope to change that.
we park under a tree and you get out, tossing your cowboy hat onto the seat and bending to remove your boots.
i pull my long hair out of its clasp, letting it fall over my shoulders.
you glance up as i do this and i can see your face flush a little.
i pretend not to notice, as i slip out of my shorts and tank top.
you blush more deeply and mumble something about my dad.
he's not here.
i smile back at you as i walk toward the water in my little matching set of black lace underclothes.
your jaw drops for a second, then you hurry to catch up to me.
your offer, oblivious to the markedly different source causing the heat to radiate off me.
as i take the towel from you, i touch your hand and you take a step back.
i laugh, breaking the spell.
race ya?
i run for the dock and dive off into the cool water, without looking back.
you dive in after me and we both swim silently for a few minutes, then tread water, as we talk about the horses.
i climb up the ladder, to dive back in--
catching a look on your face that i've been hoping to see.
as i slip back into the water i'm smiling.
when i come up, you're there.
you reach out to touch the water dripping from my chin, your blue eyes boring into me.
i put a hand to your chest, as i find my footing on a rock.
there is a moment--filled with complete silence and stillness--in which we could still turn back.
in the slight movement required to lift my eyes to yours it's as if i've run a hundred miles--our world is flipped inside out.
your arms encircle me, your lips are on mine and there is only us.
touching, breathing, kissing...the water lapping around us.
you slip my bra off and toss it to the dock.
i am equally enamoured of your hard and smooth.
you take my hand and lead me back to the truck, where you pull a blanket from behind the seat and lay it under a tree.
we kneel there, kissing again as we finish undressing.
you pause, ask if i'm sure.
in answer i pull you down on top of me, wrapping my legs around your back, lazily stretching my arms above my head.
you run a finger down the length of one arm, leaning down to kiss each breast.
i shiver in the heat and tighten my legs around you.
you kiss my neck, my ears, as you slowly move into me.
the smell of wild flowers and apple blossoms fills the air, and the buzz of insects is soon drowned out by our breathing, panting--moaning.
the water has dried and is being replaced by sweat as we move together in the spare shade of a tree.

we lay back, both staring at the sky with silly grins on our faces.
you roll to your side and ask me if i'm okay, as you smooth my hair back from my face.
i smile, nodding slightly, and stand to dress.
what's your hurry?
i nod in the direction of the dirt road, causing you to scramble for your clothes.
my dad.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

promises, promises...

i hate it when i do that.
--make promises and forget all about keeping them.
but, technically it is still today, and i am here...
and i'm willing to bet i'll meet or exceed my 3% increase in goodness....

okay, forget that.
maybe not.
i love just writing and writing and writing.
and most of it is crap.
pure crap.
but then sometimes something happens.
something wicked this way comes...
something wild and hairy and strong and scary.
something soft and sweet and warm and tender.
(like chicken?)
aw crap, that reminds me--i have to go start dinner.
there, i'm back.
twenty minutes on the timer.
a full glass of raspberry daquiri...
that makes 3 times this week--does that mean i have a problem?
i like problems.
i better slow down or i'm not going to be able to drive myself to the bar later.
sounds like i have a problem....
but really, it's just my girlfriend who needed to go out and vent.
and i'm not going to drink when i get there.
hell, IF i get there.
i'm buzzed.
empty stomach...
i am going to call YOU.
hold on, let me find my audio blogger stuff.
aw crap. i have to spell??
not easy...
okay, that didn't work.
i'll have to try again--sober.

well, now it's time for me to go, so i'll leave you with a final word:
god dammit!
i just remembered tomorrow's friday...
um, that wasn't supposed to be the final word...

but whatever.
(and for the record: i am well aware that this post sucked almost as much as the last one.)
bite me.
no, not there...oooooh, right there!!! yes!!

no title

just a quick post today.
i decided to do a small project for the "new job", so I need to do that before i do this.

we woke up to the sound of running water...
and running feet...
one little boy, quietly filling a glass with water and dumping it all over this desk, these computers.
it would seem that only one keyboard is beyond repair.
so that was ugly.
we're all grounded now...:)

you'll never guess who started a blog...
would you like me to link him?
yeah, so would i.
but since he hasn't given me the URL, that's not really a possibility.

and i set up an audio blogger account.
maybe i'll use this one before it deletes itself from lack of use.
but maybe not.

and i have my furnace on again.

i'm getting quite tan--for me.
if i had some tan lines, maybe i'd take a picture to show you just how tan i am.

wow, i really don't have anything to write today.
what a pathetic waste of time this was.
i would like to offer my apologies.
and i promise i'll write something at least 3% better later on today.
it'll either have: a) more violence, b) more nudity, c) more humor or d) more whining.
so, yeah--can't lose there!

have an orgasmically delicious day.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

take cover

there's probably a law against bloggging when you're as ornery as fuck.
or if not, there should be.
but whatever, cuz laws are made to be broken.
or is that rules?
or possibly just my keyboard, and a whole bunch of tortilla chips on the playrrom floor.
something's broken.
my cheerful-side.
that's what's broken.
no worries--it's just pms.
aren't you all soooooo glad i share this with you every single damn month???
at least we all know i have a regular cycle.
that's good information to have, people.

but anyway, back to my fucking grouchmobile life.
it's like a taxi--hop in, i'll give you a ride to Shitty City.
the fare's a killer though.
it doesn't cost money, just a chip off your soul, or a few strokes of father time from your total.
i collect in full at time of pick up.

and guess why i'm grouchy today?
no reason at all.
just those god damn hormones.
what a stupid device.
why can't we just opt out of this ridiculous service that mother nature has so kindly installed in us, with the operating system???
i'm done having kids, now GO THE FUCK AWAY.
quit bothering me, you useless circle of life boxing match.

on a happy note, the darling husband is going to come home so i can go to the gym.
i think he maaaaaay be afraid i will harm the children if he doesn't relieve me....
see, one of them fell asleep while i was in the shower, so now i can't take them to the gym.
i should follow Becky's lead and smash some dishes.
or maybe i'll just ride this wave until it crashes down in all its foaming goodness to wash me into shore...

fuck fuck goose.

that almost made me smile, and i don't even know why i wrote it.
but it sounds like a much more fun, albeit XXX version of that children's game.

maybe i'll go strap on my mp3 player and tear this stupid house apart.
as in, clean stuff that hasn't been cleaned recently.
starting with the tortilla chips the kids dumped on the floor in the playroom.
god, just typing that makes my already furrrowed brow wrinkle, my lip curl up in a snarl.
and of course i'm annoyed with myself for throwing the diet out the window so completely today.
chips and salsa.
what next??
and beer.
okay, it's settled.
pizza and beer it is.
if i wasn't primed to kill on site, i'd invite you all over to have some.
as it is...
well, you might want to call and warn the pizza guy to wear kevlar.

quick, i have a moment of peace and quiet

i need to try to write something before it caves in with chaotic sounds again...
but i'm sure it won't last long enough...
it never does.
just when i get comfortable...BAM POW KERSPLAT
it's all over.

and the phone's ringing...
so that was the end of that.
much sooner than i expected, even.

i knew it wouldn't last.
but at least i had to turn the furnace on this morning.
it was THAT cold.

and last night i made chocolate chip cookies.
cuz those fall within the atkins diet guidelines.
or not, but either way, i ate some.
(and by "some" i mean i licked the entire bowl clean--before scooping out any dough...)
me and my weaknesses.
i have the self-control of a gnat.
or worse.
and that reminds me of the line from Grease...
"men are rats. men are fleas on rats. men are amoebas on fleas on rats!"
not entirely true.
but that reminds me of a t-shirt i made as a freshman in college...
it is titled 'MEN ARE SCUM'...i think.
i should take a picture of it and post it.
where is that t-shirt??
i typed up this whole long ranty thing and had it silk screened onto a shirt...
then i made copies and gave them to my closest girlfriends.
it's the coolest shirt ever.
now i have a mission...
i'll be back.
well, i found the shirt, and took some pictures.
but you can't really read the writing unless i leave the file HUGE....
let me try this.

hey, not so bad.
so, yeah.
that was my little temper tantrum in 1993.
that was 11 years ago.
i just showed it to my husband (who has seen it before).
he said, "for a girl who loves boys, that seems a little out of character."
it's all about the passion--if you have the capacity for ferocious love, you must have a proportional ability to hate.
some people call it bi-polar, but whatever.
you say tom-ay-toe, i say tom-ah-toe.
(okay, not really. what sort of dork says it that way???)

i have a hangnail that i can't leave alone.
(see: poor self-control)
i have this obsessive little habit of flipping them back and forth with whichever finger reaches the best.
i do this until the flipping finger is cramped and the hangnail area is raw.
highly attractive.

and on that note, have a great day.
hope you're not trying to eat lunch.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

well well well, you never can tell

It's true, you know.
life really is like a box of chocolates and you can never tell what you're going to get.
unless you have a good psychic.

and it rained today.
cold, slow rain.
the mountains were engulfed in clouds, and the air was fresh and clean.

at the gym, there was this girl.
my first take was, "too skinny, doesn't look like she wants to be here."
she was with her boyfriend, it seems--a guy i see almost every day, very serious about his workout.
so i looked more closely at her.
she had the most incredible eyes--
she was the kind of pretty that is painful.
she seemed disinterested, not engaged by this activity.
she was there to please him, surely.
but her straight dark hair, in their pigtails, poking out from a bandana/skull cap...
and her bony little hips showing between shirt and pants.
i don't know.
i just knew i needed to write about her.
those eyes.
piercing, yet sparkly--but a mirthless sparkle.

people are so interesting.
i could just sit and watch them all day, making up stories about where they've been and where they're going, why they laugh, why they cry.
and sometimes i know i'm right.
i can feel it.
i look at a person and see their life, not just their face.

and i remember once in high school, sitting on a stone bench at the far end of a corridor, afternoon light fading through the bank of glass doors to our right...with Emily, and we both had that electric shock thrill of recognition, of sharing something strange--discovering that we both do that, and that sometimes our emotions overwhelm us, and that connecting with someone so deeply is rare in high school. after that, she wasn't just my sister's frend anymore. she is mine, too. she is loud and funny, has an iq so far over genius level that it makes me blink, and boobs to match...gigantimus. and last year her husband told me i'm the pretty sister. me?? are you fucking kidding me?? my whole life it was J. people would tell me how pretty my sister was. thanks for sharing, and oh yeah--go fuck yourself. just what a 13 year old with glasses and braces and no clue how to handle her naturally curly hair needs to fucking hear.

and we're off to buy bikes.
for us, and maybe for the kids...
if they're good.

i've been offered a job.
am trying to decide if i'll take it...
probably will.
since it's flexible hours/location and decent pay.
i can work from home whenever i want, and go to the office whenever i want.
i can work as few or as many hours as i want.
and hubby said the money's all mine.
zippity doo da!!!!!!
can you say...shopaholics anonymous look out!!
i'm going to need a sponsor!
could i use a few more exclamation points?!!!!!!!!!!!

well, that's enough of my brain spillage for now.

when it's cold outside, i've got the month of May

but for real--it IS cold outside....and it IS the month of May.
i wonder what other song lines are true right now?
i bet there are at least 3 more.
maybe as many as 500.

i'm also using my husband's computer--and its TWENTY SEVEN INCH MONITOR.
holy lord.
i have to turn my head to see everything on the screen.
it's kinda giving me a boner.
and a therefore i embody both parties in a in a stale marriage.
(if you got that, i'll give you a nickel)
which reminds me--in some random dream i had last night, there was a canadian fourteen dollar bill.
and i started to worry about the exchange rate.
uh, okay.
sometimes i think i am CRAZY.
other times...well, i guess i pretty much just know.
and on occassion i even have silent lucidity.
one more song line...

and my husband just walked in, scaring the shit out of me.

kay, i'm back.

well i don't think i have anything to say today.
i know i say that a lot.
and for some strange reason it usually seems to clear my mind so I am able to write.
i have that damn Nair song stuck in my head...
"if you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts"
so that's a huge thrill.
better than a damn barney song, but not much.

oh wait...
i think i see one little dusty thought rattling around up there...
what is it?
come here little thought...come to mama...
well that was a disappointment--it was just more of the Nair jingle.
oh well, i had to chase it down to be sure.

I think i should admit that I'm ornery this morning.
and I'm not sure why.
I'm sort of filled with this gnawing feeling of disgust with the human race, annoyance lurking just below the surface, growliness poised to spring into a roar......
for no reason.
probably pms or hunger.
or the fact that i've had too much sleep AND to much sex lately.
okay, that was my attempt at humor---calm down.
yes, i know there can never be too much of either of those.

maybe i'll grab a protein bar...
see what kind of mood swing that puts into action.

so far so good...
there's a warning on the side of the wrapper...
"do not use if foil wrapper is torn or missing."
if it's missing---?
how would i read the warning?
well, hell, now i feel so good i better run along to the gym.
have a swell day.

Monday, May 10, 2004

funniest thing...

we were outside doing yardwork over the weekend.
and i was opening the lid to our city garbage can...
and what did i see scratched into the lid?

so i asked my husband if he did it, since it sounded like something he would say.
(or says all the time)
he didn't think so...
so we were kind of freaked out for a minute, wondering what strange sort of vandalism it was.
i called my friend to see if she and her boyfriend had done it last week when they were making out in our yard...
not them.
but as i explained to her the situation, the husband chimes in--
"oh yeah...i remember doing that..."

Once upon a time in Utah

something cool happened, probably.
although i'm really sort of doubting it--
i mean, it is utah after all.

It's a beautiful morning here, though.
we had a wonderful weekend overall, and mother's day specifically.
not only did we find the perfect blender (yes i'm a dork) but i got a surprise gift as well...
a beautiful locket--i am such a hopeless romantic.
i have always wanted one, though.
i will put pictures of my little ones in it and then when their father and i are killed in a car crash and they are sent to live with separate relatives they will each be given the half of the locket containing their brother's picture, growing up not knowing they are twins...
i read waaaaay too many books about the deperssion era as a kid.
or something.
but it's a beautiful necklace and i can't wait to have the boys' pictures in it, so i can wear out the clasp, opening it to look at them.
(not that they're ever out of my direct line of vision...)

why can't i think of a damn thing to say?
is it because blue's clues is assaulting one ear, and the Richard Scary's Busy Town CD-rom is coming at me from the other side??
couldn't be.
i am impervious to such minute distractions.
i have the focusing ability of--shit, something that focuses lasik-ed eyes?
anyway, i think you get the point.
and if you don't?--bend over and i'll show ya.
i am a 15 year old boy--i'm pretty sure we've covered this.
okay, maybe that was more like a 13 year old.

here's a thought:
i need to quit aggravating my nose ring.
i keep snagging it on stuff and causing myself small doses of extreme pain.
AND i keep making berry daquiris and getting the worst brain freeze of all time.
of course, after the first one, i learned a trick from a very helpful gal:
drink some water.
how is it that i never knew that??
it helps immensely.
so, i guess that's my tip of the day:
When getting sloshed on girlie frozen drinks...keep a glass of water nearby.

my purple hair is looking less purple, more, uh better.
yeah, i just said more better.
and i LIKE it.
damn hair.

and i just craved beer.
this could not possibly be a good sign...
at 10am?
what the hell--am I Irish or something??
oh yeah.
i am.
a real true Mc, even.
if i ever publish stuff (and how could you doubt me, with a vocab. like that??) I'll use my maiden name.
more unique...
I'm a veritable Jane Doe at this stage.
which is cool, because my last name was always a pain in the ass growing up.
no one could pronounce it or spell it.
yes, i know--if you could pass me that tissue it would be helpful.

i'm going to dare you to have a fan-fucking-tastic day.
whatever that means to you--do it.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Happy Mother's Day

It's a gorgeous day here, hope you're all having a nice one.
We're going to take the boys mini golfing, then dad will take them shopping--i have no problem with last minute shoppers!
I have requested a really nice blender...good lord, sometimes i think i really am domestic.
it feels good.
and how great is my mother in law?
i'll tell ya: she's watching the kids for a couple of hours tonight.
on mother's day.
she might be crazy, but she's cool.

I miss my mom today.
she does everything just right--has been the perfect role model in so many ways.
she has been telling me from my earliest memories that i should be a writer.
she has always told me i could do or be anything i wanted.
she has shown me how to do most of the things i know how to do--shown me it is possible to do them....
she taught me to stay calm and cool in emergencies.
she has been an example for all things good and true, and i have followed fewer of these examples than i would like.
she has been one to carry a cross with a smile and a song, never a complaint under the gruelling weight.
she raised two sons who are the best examples of fathers and husbands i have ever seen.
she raised two daughters who are as different as night and day, but still remain best of friends each of us trying to be like her...
she called herself the wicked stepmother to my father's 3 children, but it always made me laugh--even before i knew what irony was.
she was named "Miss Betty Crocker" of Venice High in 1955, and boy were they right.
she was on the folk dance team for BYU.
she is always smiling out of those black and white pictures, looking like a movie star in her perfectly coifed hair with her silk dresses and silk stockings.
she made my childhood perfect, ideal, rosy and soft.
kittens and bikes and camping and piano lessons and reading wonderful books to us...
she spoiled me...

I will go call her.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!

Saturday, May 08, 2004

so last night

was a lot of fun.
dinner, drinks, live music--and my new little dress.
hot damn i looked good.
you'll have to take my word for it, or you could always ask Becky.
she was there, and will back me up.
one of the bands dedicated a song to us...
and the other band took video of our dancing.
Confused + Bored = Life of the Party

oh and the rain clouds have all moved on.
for me, at least.
it seems that everyone i know is falling apart at the seams.
makes me cling more tightly to what i have--and him to me.
so, after all my drama the calm has returned.
and for the record: it was bad. really bad.
and it was my fault.
and i am still in shock that it is over.
he loves me more than i knew, more than i deserve, more than i can think about while breathing properly.

had a great workout today...
i know, i sound like a fucking broken record.
my buddy, Dave was there, so he kicked my ass--well, my shoulders.
i also tanned again...
and bought a pass for unlimited tanning for the month--
because at the end of this month, the god damn water park opens.
and we bought those stupid season passes.
so now i have a deadline.
for losing these last ten pounds and getting tannnnn.
it's okay.
it's good, even.
i love having deadlines--so i have something to miss. can you really call it procrastination, if there's no due date??
so anyway.
i really want my natural hair color back, speaking of sun.
because in the turns all those fantastic colors, blonde and red.
but i guess purple hair will look good, too.
double fug.

so tonight the hubby and i are each going with half of a couple who officially split up this morning.
he moved out.
it was her idea.
so my husband is with him now, trying to listen and offer advice and stuff.
i said, "take him to the strip club."
and i'm going to her house, with raspberry daquiri fixins, and a chick flick.
it really doesn't seem real.
they were supposed to live happily ever after.
they were never as happy as i thought.
no one is, i guess.
it's all just crazy.
these past few weeks have been a motherfucking rollercoaster ride of emotions.
my head is spinning, still.

but it's a beautiful day, and my own clouds have passed.
so i will be thankful.

Friday, May 07, 2004

well, i have no title, so eat me

i had a pretty good work out today.
including, but not limited to:
*punching the hell out of a punching bag
*dropping my mp3 player, causing a little piece to snap off--the piece that keeps it on my armband.
*one of the kids getting a bloody nose

so much for going to the gym to feel better.
i think a couple of people noticed my attack on the punching bag...
let's just say they steered clear of me after that.
i probably looked like an escaped convict.
or a newly incarcerated one, more like.
i watched way too many soap operas as a child.
drama queen.
but thank you all for your kind words and emails...
i may be dramatic, but the issues are real and the changes in my internet world are real.
i am sort of like a rubbermaid garbage can...the whole bouncing back thing....
only it's more of a slow motion instant replay.

i punched too hard, and my arms hurt.
that weird achy feeling from not stretching properly.
it felt damn good though.
i'll have to do that more often.

life is back to normal here.
on the surface.
i'm still adjusting.
(as frantically as a god damn rapper)
if anyone out there feels that i owe them a more in depth explanation of this week's events, please leave a comment asking for it, and i'll email you.
my head is in a spin, so i may have forgotten some people.
and anyone who is just plain curious, feel free to ask as well.
and anyone who wants to buy me a present so i'll feel better?
bring it on.
i'm not afraid of psycho stalkers.
if you promise to send me something shiny, i'll give out my address.
and an 8X10 glossy of some un-cropped pictures.
okay, that would have been a funny joke if i said it last week.
this week, it just sort of makes me grimace.

screw you guys, i'm going home.
(okay, so i'm already home, but i was in a south park mood. bite me)

you want a fantasy?

i don't think i have one in me today.
but you could go here if you need a fix.

i am sick of whining, especially in such a non-forthright manner.
i will turn the wheel--hard.
i will attempt to steer this trainwreck onto a different set of tracks.

maybe i'll speak of the horrors of bathing suit shopping
(truly the worst torture since the iron maiden)
or maybe i'll wax philosophical.
(but only because i love that phrase. philosphy annoys me.)
i could also just come right out and say what i want to say.
(but i won't)
now that was stupid.
i really suck at steering, apparently.
because i am right back where i started.

i will, however, go the gym.
and play outside with the little ones (whose haircuts turned out just right, after all)
and maybe i will take some time off from this, although for me the therapy seems to be in the writing.
it's my window to the world, even if it does have bars across it now.
the view is still magnificent, the breeze still fresh and clear.
i don't do well caged.
if i were that stupid bird, i wouldn't fucking sing.
why does that little asshole sing?
i want to run--over the hills and far away, like forrest gump did.
just run and run and run.
(for the record, neither running from nor running to anything. just to run.)
which reminds me: my best friend wants me to do a marathon with her in the fall.
i probably could.
it would be good to have a goal.
i'm such a sentimental fool.
i need to be smacked....
and i know just the person to do it.
i am so self centered, self serving, self aware, self confident, self conscious.
moi meme.
J'ai besoin de...quel que chose.
Je ne sais pas...
Je ne sais pas ou je me trouve.
j'ai besoin de les mots...les mots de l'un.

I'm sure i have at least one spelling or grammatical error per line.
but it doesn't matter.
it doesn't even mean anything.
i just miss french.
and i was rambling.
it said:
i need something.
i don't know...
i forget.
i don't know where i am.
i need some words...the words of one.

listening to a little Godsmack.
always good.
ooh, and pearl jam.
if anyone out there is unfamiliar with the song 'Smile', from the No Code album (pearl jam)...
go listen to it.
iTune it.
for me.

and have a good day, a great weekend, and if any of you dare come back here, to the pit of despair...
i promise it'll be better soon.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

i would like to thank the academy....

or at least those of you who were kind enough to not kick me in the teeth today.
i was having a severe case of shit hitting the fan.
and i apologize for sharing my cryptic craziness with you all.

the little ones are out getting a haircut (read: torturing dad).
they're going to come home looking like cancer patients again.
he always has it cut way too short.
me? i likes me some hair on my little boys.
but, i make him do it anyway, cuz it's pretty much like a bad scene out of a quentin terantino movie if i go.
lots of screaming.
for some reason, they think they'll get attention from me if they make a scene, but not from him.
"some reason" being: past experience has proven it....
i'm such a sucker...
and a slacker.
and a stalker.
and a stocker.
and a shocker.

maybe it's just hormones

but i feel like my guts are getting ripped out.
i am actually crying as i write this.
listening to crappy music.
it's awesome.

and aren't you lucky?
no witty banter today.
no lewd remarks.
just me, wallowing.
i am a stupid girl who made a stupid mistake.
but i was given the go ahead to "be myself" on here.
so yay for you readers.

i just stumbled over to the real world...blogger style.
like a fucked up teenager with half-slit wrists--
a cry for help.
mostly looking for someone to fill by IM jones.
(i guess my brain told my fingers that my nose is running, so i typed a 'b' instead of an 'm'..."fill my IM jones")
i have been banned from using such tools of the devil...

would you like a scoop of ice cream to go with that DRAMA PIE??????

i've cried on Boz's shoulder, so now maybe i can be cool.
well, come on, it's me.
i am not cool, i have never been cool and i will never be cool.
but i'm kinda fun to get drunk with.
and Belle told me (sorta kinda) to go eat lots of candy, so i'd feel better.
it worked.
even if it is that sugar free atkins shit.
i think i ate so much of it that the fake sugar turned into real sugar.
and i just licked melted chocolate off my phone....
i guess i'm still crying for help, it's just that no one can hear me through the mouthful of low-carb candy, melting down my chin...
looky there: some got on my upper chest region.
any volunteers?

yay for hormones.
yay for full moons.
yay for dreams that last week's "friends" sucked.
oh wait, that wasn't a dream.
but what was a dream was that i was the mid-season replacement for one of the cast members of survivor.
good thing too.
i hate that show.
i also hate whoever decided to fuck loyal viewers out of a decent last season of friends.
guess what?
it's a god damed tv show.
and i don't give a fuck.

move along--nothing to see here

although seriously, this may be the end of the line for me.
i have lost the freedom to write as i wish, so there's not much point.
give me a few days.
maybe the sun will shine again.
or my muse will come slinking back, tail between her legs, ready to dazzle me.
i feel empty and heavy--how is that possible?
maybe it's the back lash of another overwhelming full moon,
or the gutteral combination of sunburn, too little sleep and dried tears.
so apparently i taunted the lesser gods again, flaunted my happiness.
it never fails to kick me in the face.

have a beer for me, tell a joke.
i will drop the dramatics soon.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

okay, okay

this isn't exactly the dawning of the age of aquarius, or anything, but it is morning, so that's close.

i think we should all take a moment and jot something down on the calendar:
my kids are sitting quietly, eating cereal and watching a movie.
this is not normal.
this is glorious.
and it'll never happen again, so make a note of it, dammit.

and today it may reach 90.
and today i will go buy furniture.
and today i will go to hubby's office in a short dress with no panties.
and lock his office door.

but first i must go (come on, say it with me) to the gym.
what a repetitious life i lead!!

and we just made plans to go to Maine without the kids.
kind of excited.
i feel bad...they love it there, the beach, grandparents...
but i don't think i could do it.
just thinking about taking them on the plane again...
and being crowded into my parents house...
i nearly go into convulsions.
but thinking about being there, on true vacation, with just my sweet man?
seafood and beer.
ocean and sky.
exploring new places and spending time with old friends.
freedom, baby.
yeeee haaawww!!!!
and my kick ass sister in law just called to say that my husband asked her husband if our kids can stay with them while we're gone and that she would be happy to keep them.
and did i mention that she kicks ass?
she's really great.
so now the countdown begins....
home sweet home.

I may be having seasonally-induced writer's block.
there still is not a drop of good stuff in my head.
probably i'm just tormenting myself.
thinking that there are actually people out there reading tends to paralyze me.
so fuck you.
most of my hits come from people looking for porn anyway.
so let's just get on with the show.

so guess who resurfaced out of the clear blue yesterday?
my first regular reader.
my first internet buddy.
my first partner in crime (well, if lusting Orlando Bloom is a crime).
this chick rocks so hard you'll get seasick.
so go read The Bitchfest.
and if you say I sent you, you'll get 10% off your first purchase.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

once upon a time....

in a land far far down the street...
there lived my gym.
and it was a glorious place, filled with cold water, hot boys and machines to make me sweat.
I went on a quest for it today.
and i was victorious.

am i a bigger dork than you ever imagined?

but at least i made it to the gym.
and at least my pulsating, glowing zit finally popped.
and at least my cold is almost gone.
and at least we get to go to bed early tonight.
and at least i haven't cooked dinner yet.
and at least the Mr.'s phone has been turned off all evening.
speak of the fucking devil!!
that's awesome.
well bye bye suckers!!

it's hard to say good morning

...with your mouth full of sleep.
so i won't.
i'll skip that part.
and i only made a small mess making breakfast today, so that's a nice change.
and there is NOTHING stopping me from going to the gym today.
i have my car keys. (unlike yesterday)
i have clean gym clothes (unlike yesterday)
i have no plans to answer my phone for any reason.(unlike yesterday)
so if you're on fire--call the fire department.
if you want to hang out with me--call your other friend,
(you know--the one who's less funny, less cute, less cool than I am.)
and if you think my kids want to play with yours? you're wrong.
we're going to the gym.
nothing that comes through my (fucking piece of shit) phone is going to stop me from working out today.
just so we're clear on that.

and if you wouldn't mind...
remind me to sleep with the right amount of pillows.
not one crappy flat one, to later be replaced with 3 huge ones.
that doesn't really feel so great, frankly.
and if i could ask you one more favor:
kick me in the neck please.

last night i sat on my front steps with a friend i haven't talked to in a long time.
we watched the full moon rise from behind the mountain, in front of a blue sky.
while our husbands shovelled topsoil from a truck bed.
we're putting in shrubs, around the house.
and by "we", you know i mean "he".
so domestic.
so quiet and suburban.

I have 4 books waiting to be read.
I started one of them (Choke).
i used to read a book in less than 2 days.
now i have kids.
and you guys.
so i don't read much no more.
crap, i'm already getting stupider.

i really think i should say something funny.
but somehow, once that pressure is on, it's over.
that door closes.
instead maybe i'll just pretend i said something funny, and you guys will all laugh, and that's basically the same thing.

there will be a new issue of Lick any day now...
i think that any of you women out there who aren't contributing really need to be.
oh, and if i left any strange comments on anyone's blog last night--
don't mind me, i was intoxicated in one manner or another.
i am pretty sure i left some comments, and posted an odd picture on The Real World...Blogger Style.
then i dreamed about some bloggers.
good lord, i need to get away from this computer more.
and not only to stop the creepy dreams.
but so that i might actually have something to write about.
and wouldn't that be exciting?
y'all wouldn't know what to do with yourselves.

and it's important to not that my kids have been fucking with my laptop.
so the d key is missing and my enter key is possessed.
I needed a new laptop anyway.

have a non-shitty day.

it's late

and here i sit, fuzzy and soft
listening to my favorite stoner song.

if you're out there, IM me.

Monday, May 03, 2004

i just wrote a post

but due to the graphic nature of the whining...
i removed it.

i feel like shit and i don't feel the need to share that with you.
maybe i'll write my way out of the hole.
maybe not.
either way.
maybe i'll let the pool boy coax me out.
pool boy??
where the fuck are you?
when my husband fired you, it was a joke. honest.
get your speedo-ed ass back here and clean the damn pool.
or my tonsils.

so it's a gorgeous day outside and i'm feeling like curling up in a ball and taking a god damn nap.
i want to sleep until everything changes in my sphere.
just something.
just my cold should go away, and my sunburn and that giant fucking zit.

what a long and lovely day

rollerblading up a long winding canyon trail.
sunshine and laughter, followed by shopping and beer.
got some new books, a new CD.
and a sunburn.
drove around with the windows down,
Godsmack's Awake playing so loud i closed my eyes and thought i was five feet from the stage again.
all the happy smiling drones filing out of their church buildings.
feathers politely ruffled by the disturbance of us.
two girls in (gasp!) tank tops singing along to our music, with as much fervor as they sang along to theirs, moments before.
such a deserted place is Utah County on a Sunday.
the sheer absence of people a glaring reminder of where these missing folks are, and why.
"thou shalt keep the sabbath day holy"
fuck that.
and fuck you.
"can't smell your own shit on your knees, can't see the forest for the trees"
nah, i'm really not bitter anymore.
just a leftover ghost of a thought, which conveys the old feeling.

and the party rages on at my house.
beer, brothers, becky.
fun things to have on a sunday night.
and a beer run in a rogue vehicle, practically stolen--a fear of getting caught.
that glimmering thrill of the wrong side of the coin.

i will try to step out of my own head now.
and talk to you, like a real person might.
a living, breathing, blushing, three-dimensional person.
a tall, short, sad, fat, happy, skinny person....
not in the cards, i suppose.

i wanted to take a picture of myself curtseying.
so that i could properly bow to the sweet sassy goddess of the blog....
but as usual, i have not gotten around to it.
so instead i will say i am as giddy as a 12 year old girl at a brittney spears concert.
...or myself in her dressing room, but you get the idea.
and i was even going to take the picture with a good cleavage shirt.
sorry i'm so damn lazy.
Raymi is the first blog i ever read.
and i quickly became addicted and wanted a part of this world....
(cue little mermaid song, mixed with the nine inch nails' "perfect drug"...yeah, i know--it sounds hideous.)
anyway, i'm going to get all weepy if i keep stumbling down memory lane, so i'll stop.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

sunday mornings are for drinking coffee

even if it is girlie vanilla cappuccino shit.
even if it is the sugar-free, fat-free shit.
even if my shirt is on inside out from re-dressing in the dark...
even if it's sunny outside and snuffy-nosed, sneezy on the inside.
i've about fucking had it with the notorious B.I.G.
no, that's not right.
oh yeah--the notorious spring-time cold.
go away, no one wants you here!!!
...uh, that oughta do it.

and every time I log in to Blogger it has that Gmail thing.
which they promised to quit harassing me about if i would sign up.
which i did.
they lied.
and i still haven't used it.
oh, wait.
i did once.
and what i really need is to add a little button to my sidebar so that i'll remember to use it.
cuz you know what they say: use it or lose it.
although that may just pertain to weed, i'm not sure.

but i did have a dream last night in which i was given a rather bizarre tour of Montreal.
--including (but not limited to) a ride on a merry-go-round and making out with someone's (hot)husband.
and then two old boyfriends made an appearance--as my next door neighbors, still being chased by the girl who used to be addicted to my leftovers.
I told her to grow up and find a real guy--one who would have a real job, buy her a house, etc.
apparently dream Lisa has all the answers.
what a bitch.

my husband is playing 36 holes of golf today, so i have to find a babysitter so i can go rollerblading with my friend.
who, by the way, i finally added a links section for, on her sidebar.
it took me a couple of tries to get it in the right spot, since i don't really know how to read html...
i'm a master of imitation though.
like that crab they spell with a 'k'.
anyway, if you're in the area and have fewer than 3 felony convictions and are intoxicated by fewer than 12 illegal substances: please, give me a call. I pay well. the kids'll love ya.
cuz i am NOT skipping this.
it's a gorgeous day.

I think i should go back and change the title of this to: A post about nothing: the seinfeld of blogs, without the humor.
but that would require effort.
and i have none to give.
a fuck?
i have a fuck to give.
rat's asses?
plenty to go around--hand em out like candy, actually.
but effort?
i save that for....
what do i invest effort in?
the stock market, maybe.
my kids, definitely.

and on that note, i think i'll go shower.
as always, i'll be thinking of you.