Monday, May 24, 2004

no time to write

tons to do.

and i had some crazy-ass dreams last night.
involving a secret genetic research center tucked away in the mountains...
with sea mammals getting killed in this huge tank of water.
and lions who turn into people at will, then hunt down lion hunters and corner them, turning back into lions to kill them.
that part really freaked me out.
then there was the obligatory puzzling sex scene.
i always have one of these, they're usually rather nice, but quite often the person i'm shagging is a complete mystery.
this time it was one of the few good-looking guys from my high school class that i never had a crush on.
hardly ever talked to him either, so how the hell he snuck into my subconcious is beyond me.
and we were in my sister's room, the way it looked in high school.
fucking weird.

this post sucks.
and i don't mean in the good way.
this post is so bad that i might even delete it.
but i'm betting that if you're reading this, i didn't.

i just have nothing to say.
the sun is shining, the sky is blue.
but who gives a shit?
i mean, really.
blah blah blah blah blah..............
fuck you and fuck you, and yes, definitely fuck you--hi there....and fuck you and fuck you!!!!!
it probably seems as though i've been ornery a lot lately.
i really haven't.
well, that's a lie, i have.
but it seems that after i vent my little guts on here, i feel better.
so, like, thanks and stuff.

i want to dazzle you today.
i want to pull at some hidden part of you and make you want things you didn't know existed.
i want to crawl inside your head and sift through your hopes and fears and paint them all on a wall so you don't forget to chase the hopes and so you can see that the fears are not so dark and ugly.
i want to sit on satin pillows in the most serene and quiet place and feel a cool fresh breeze and smell flowers and just float like that for hours or days and not know anything else.
i want to change the world, but i don't know what change i would make if i could.
i want to be the master of time--so i can make it stop or go back sometimes.

still don't feel different.
maybe i'm chasing a high of some strange variety.
maybe i should step away from the computer and do the 8 million things i have to do today.

or maybe i should sit here and purge my brain onto the keyboard until my fingers hurt.
maybe i should throw away the leftover birthday cake that is sitting in the pantry...
it is a Siren, sitting on the shelf, behind that door...
the sweetest song i've ever heard, imploring me to give it a home within my body.
and I am not as strong as Odysseus.

on a happy note (and, frankly, a slightly more SANE one...)
there are only 26 days until my birthday, and i'm quite excited.
not sure why.
i finally got around to doing an amazon wishlist thingy for my husband, so i can still be surprised and yet i know i will like what he gets me...
he does a pretty good job, lately, but this was fun anyway.
and the week after my birthday, it's Christmas in June, over on The Real World...Blogger Style.
so, in light of those things, i'm going to put a link up to my wishlist.
yes, i think it's presumptuous and rude and downright hilarious--so that's why i'll do it!!!!
because with pictures like this floating around, who knows what'll happen???

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