Thursday, May 27, 2004

i couldn't possibly have anything of interest to say

so i'm not sure why i'm bothering with this.
i think it's a compulsion at this point...
not really a choice, just something that i do.
like the crack. y'know.

as usual...i had a great workout, blah blah blah.
i ran hard for a while and it felt good--
surprisingly light.
played outside with the kiddos for a while--gorgeous weather.

anyway...i had an interesting day.
i did something that i've never done before.
something i'm a little ashamed of.
okay, a lot.
and i didn't think i would write about it here.
but i don't know...
i guess the one thing i've always stayed true to is that i would spill my guts here.
(ooh, bad choice of words...)
now, before i tell this, just promise you won't take it too seriously.
i attacked the leftoever birthday cake...
like, took a fork to the cake and just ate off all the frosting, including cake.
it was disgusting.
i was disgusted with myself.
went to the bathroom and stuck a toothbrush down my throat.
oh, god.
just writing that i feel like a 16 year old blonde in designer jeans.
that's not something i would ever do but i did...
i don't know how i did it, or really why.
except that i was annoyed with my pathetic lack of self control.
it wasn't pretty.
and i'll never do it again.
and, yeah, just like with real bulimics it was probably about more than food.
i needed to confess this, so that it's not a secret, because that's what would make it a problem..
or at least that's my rationale.
don't lecture me.
like i said, i've never done that before.
and i really doubt that i'll ever do it again.
i cried the whole time.
but i felt better after.
jesus christ.
i'm an after school special.
i changed my mind--lecture me!!
tell me to grow the fuck up.

Okay, on to something pleasant.
there are some cool things for me to take pictures of, around my neighborhood.
i keep not having my camera, so i haven't yet.
besides, i think the shutter's having issues...
but the light has been great lately, and i keep seeing things.
not dead people, fortunately.
so i will try and capture some of the scenes.
...the field across the street is dotted with bales of hay, for one.

j'espere que le ciel serait bleu demain.
je souhaite que je serais une etoile dans le ciel.
j'ai besoin de quelque chose.
je ne sais pas--

ooh ooh, there's a guy from Salt Lake on Leno.
he's going to play the ceiling fan.

look on the bright side--it's almost Friday.

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