well.

i can't even think right now.
but who said THAT was a requirement for blogging?
no one, that's who.
cold salmon for breakfast is never a bad thing.
in fact, it is one of my favorite things in all the world.

my impatience could be measured in metric tons.
this is not something i'm proud of, as patience is considered a virtue.
i'm not sure what i was thinking of, when i was reminded of my lack of patience.
but who cares?
not me.

i feel...
achy.
and empty.
so i think instead of digging (like fingers in moist earth) for something to say...
i'll just let something flow and then sign off.
i'm typing with my eyes closed right now.
head back.
deep breathing.
and still--
the damned disney channel is seeping into my awareness.
i have changed a lot in the past year or so...
i used to watch tv.
not more than average, i imagine.
but i enjoyed it.
now?
i would rather sit here and do this than anything else.
i haven't even read a book in months.
besides the ones i've taken to the gym for entertainment.
and i yearn.
but i'm tired of yearning.

i wonder if they would see the lust sparkling on my breath?
or hear the poetry flowing just below my skin?
i wonder if they would taste the salt on their tongues as my tears sat silently waiting to spill.
and what i really want to know, more than anything else, is if i am meant to live a life like this, or like that, or maybe a whole different kind of life that i've never even imagined.
this life is good.
it's happy and sweet.
and cuddly and soft.

but what about the jagged and shiny lives?
or the twirly and glittery lives?
where are the steep and exhilarating lives?
oh yes.
these lives are in my head, on my fingertips.
i can construct them carefully on a hard disk--
or, more likely, i can spill them out in a rush of excitement and need.
sloppily intertwined--mixed up like a jar of spare buttons.
i want to sink my arms into a pile of loose sand...
while feeling cool salty air on my face, contrasting with the hot sun on my back.
and each grain of sand is a character in a story i want to tell.

blah.
i'm going to go eat cookies.