Friday, December 17, 2004

saturday in the park, i think it was the 4th of july

I did NOT just quote Chicago.
maybe I did.

The other day I was thinking about what it might be like if I met some of you in person--
and not in my normal "fantasy" way, either.
Just, to sit down and have a drink and a face to face chat.
I think you'd be surprised to learn that
I'm as normal as normal can be, without being boring, of course.
...but maybe not.
Maybe you already know that.
Or maybe it's not true, across the board.
We're going to a party tonight and I'm quite nervous that I won't fit in well...
It's sort of a more...
upper tier kind of party.
We only know two of the other couples there...
I'm always intimidated by large groups of people.
I'm sure it'll be lovely.
I just don't have the patience anymore to smile and nod and pretend to be--
anything, or anyone...

i'm sick of blaming everything on hormones,
but i'm more sick of having things to blame on hormones.

Okay, since I've lost touch with all but one of my closest friends,
and I can only whine to her so much before she gives me the slap I deserve...
AND since it's a saturday, so not many people will read this...
I'm going to vent a bit.
I have a lot of big changes coming up and I haven't talked much about ANY of them.
I'm extrememly stressed out and worried about some of them, and just plain anxious about the others.
This week is our first court date in a custody suit.
We want my husband's son to come live with us...
and I'm not changing my stance, there.
it's just that it'll be a big change.
and a lot of work for me...
not so much for my husband,
and i'm afraid he's going to just dump it on me and not offer any support.
i don't mind doing whatever needs to be done for our family--
from laundry to doctor's appointments to sports practice to cleaning up vomit...
but i don't like feeling completely unappreciated.
it's hard enough when it's my own flesh and blood children and i don't get any recognition (yeah, yeah--i warned ya: WHINEY)
but when it's HIS son.
it's frustrating.
I am outnumbered by boys.
and they are all slobs.
they pee on the seat, or don't flush a poop.
they leave trails of discarded clothing throughout the house.
the 8 year old is worse than my 4 year olds, so that's frustrating.
I know that i can work on those things with him when/if he lives here full time.
that equals work.
and i hate that my husband doesn't even see those things as problems, which is what leads to his lack of appreciation, etc.
he's a great husband, don't take this as a rant against him.
so that's worrying me.
AND before we even get a ruling there will be a period of observation by a Custody Evaluator.
This is a professional who will come to our home, sometimes as a surprise, sometimes scheduled,
and interview us and observe our interactions and living environment.
So during all the court shit,
we will be moving into a new house.
which is all well and good,
but will include finding a new preschool for the kids,
finding new doctors for them and us,
the act of packing and unpacking,
decorating a new house,
sticking with my workouts,
trying to do more creative writing,
and don't forget--
my husband travels for business now.
also, my dad is having some major issues,
putting lots of stress on my mom and they're 3000 fucking miles away.
so all i can do is worry about them.
i'm sure there are several other things on my list, but i can't think of them right now.
i'm drained.
thanks for listening...

Sometimes my imagination is sound asleep and i don't know how to wake it
while other times it is alive and vibrant and vibrating and putting off a vibe...
walking down the street, whistling a tune and strutting its stuff.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
and I hope you forgive me for my whiney rant.
ranty whine.
panty pine.

blowing you kisses on the wind--

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