just have time for a quickie....

I feel horrible lately. tired, cranky. maybe i'm dying. that would be cool.

my brain is mush, seriously. I think I'm being poisoned or something. wouldn't that be dramatic?

I was in the shower this morning and i delivered this great little soliloquy--for you all. but it washed down the drain with the soap. i was telling the story of a part of my life. it sounded so good--bathroom acoustics, you know...

ayh. whadda ya gonna do?

i'll tell you what i'm gonna do.

i'm gonna stir it the fuck up.

as my fabulous, first unrequited love, best guy friend of high school, MIT graduate, phD holding hot recently married friend Chris used to remind me through the rough college years:

"I am the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul."( i forget the source. he's the smart one, i'm a dumbass. )

don't forget it, folks.

ah, chris. i spent every waking moment thinking of him through high school. and i didn't even think naughty thoughts. until college. what a waste. anyway, it was one of those stupid things, where the first christmas we were 21 we were all home on break and met up at one of the bars. we were both so drunk and i ended up telling him i'd been in love with him in high school. he put his finger under my chin and smiled, and said, "I know" and then told me how much he loved me too and how unfortunate it had been that we were never single at the same time so we could date. fucker.

anyway. wher was i?

oh yeah, woe is me.

I miss people. I miss Abbey and all of her 8 brothers and sisters and their parents. i miss julie and her MOM. i miss taylor, the way she was in high school--or the way i was in high school. I miss jessica. I miss the chuck wagon crew--the gay cooks and their stern father. I miss most of my old boyfriends. cuz i'm a fucking dumbass. i miss the first one and the last one the most. I miss the peace and quiet of an empty house. i miss my sister. I miss her friend emily. with the enormous tits and the husband who said I am the pretty sister. ME. my whole life i thought it was her.

I miss feeling passionate about everything. I miss not being a whiner. GOD.

How bout that lunar eclipse, eh? it's a beautiful night for it. I watched it for a while.

Do you know what I would have done if it was 5 years ago? I would have sat on the front porch with a bottle of wine and watched the whole thing. I would have been moved by it, I would have been thrilled by it. I would have fucked someone under it. I would have howled at it. I would have.

anyone have a time machine i could borrow for a sec?

or perhaps a shot glass full of cheer the fuck up???

oh yeah, the captain of my soul. pardon the enormous tangents. anyway, i do realize that if i don't like the road i'm on i can change that.

maybe i need to pick up a road map.
maybe i need a compass.
maybe i need a killer mix CD for the trip.

whatever it is, i can do it.
whatever the destination, i can find it.

so, just ignore my moaning and rolling around on the floor.
it'll probably turn from agony to ecstasy any minute...