Thursday, January 27, 2005

today is the day that it is

I know, it floored me, too.
I am one muthafuckin profound chick.

yesterday was a strange day.
at the gym, one of the ladies in the daycare gave me her number so we could go out sometime,
and two of the (hunky) pro shop guys exchanged bee-sting/peanut allergy stories with me.
what the fuck??
i'm moving next week, and NOW i talk to people at the gym?
and then, at home, a girl from 'the church' stopped by.
without warning--ugh.
well, the girl couldn't have been sweeter.
works at the library, is just finishing her ENGLISH TEACHING degree.
even gave me a cutesy little card with an Emily Dickenson quote on it!
jeeeeez, I almost succumbed to her voodoo powers, too--her adorable factor was a little unsettling.
all i can say is, it's a good thing she didn't invite me to church--i would have GONE!!! egads.
and then it was off to my Girl's night thingy.
I felt like i was getting weird vibes from everyone...
the girl hosting was the girl who I mentioned a while back--
saying horrible things about me to another girl. was probably just my paranoia, but I felt like maybe the word had spread.
I ended up being the life of the party (as usual) anyway.
even if i did manage to make it through the evening without directly speaking to the host.
it breaks my heart, just for the record...
I miss her.
I did, however, figure out a way to approach it without divulging that I know something.
...didn't take a genius, either.
"I get the feeling that you're mad at me, but i don't know why."
pretty damn simple, dumbass Lisa.
I love those girls, though.
the wives of my husband's high school friends...
there have been some major changes since our last meeting,
one pregnant belly getting bigger and less comfortable,
and another getting smaller...much before its time...
we shared laughter, tears--and mudslides!
(no, not the pregnant girl)
most of us turn 30 this year...
there will be much partying.

I had a dream, around 5 this morning.
there were tornadoes, dozens of them, all over the valley i live in.
(it's wide and flat between the rows of mountains)
it was INTENSE.
my kids were at home with a babysitter, and all i could think of was getting home to them.
it was a beautiful sight--tornados of different shapes and sizes, filling the landscape--
but so deeply frightening.
i woke up very shaken.

do I have anything else to say today?
but I can't concentrate right now...
my kids sure did inherit my loquaciousness.
they are both in this room with me,
each playing a separate little self-made game--with the accompanying non-stop chatter.
it is adorable...
if a little distracting.
one boy is using a 3.5X5 disk, in and out, in and out of my machine--
right now it is a basketball, the drive is a hoop??
earlier it was a credit card, and at one point it was something else...
hey, at least they're imaginative, right?
the other one is stacking couch cushions and narrating his movements,
indicating his intent to jump on them, crash into them or knock them over--and something about an airplane.
BORED housewife????
where in the FUCK did I pull that adjective from???
yes, my ass.
everything originates there, frankly.
but damn, man.
I am anything but bored.
now they're wrestling.
apparently the cushion kid is lord and master of this particular domain and disk kid didn't pay proper homage to cross the stairwell.

I will go give my muse head and come back with something sparkly later.
I promise.

I really feel like writing more right now...
i want to hitchhike, blindfolded.
just head out.
no plan, no motivation.
I want to get in my car, with a laptop,
and drive until I have something to write,
then stop and write until my fingers sleep,
then drive some more.
rinse, repeat.
I want to unlock my mind to new possibilities.
i want to reach out and caress the cheeks of all of you...
there is more to being human than living.
at least, that's what I heard.
a little bird told me.
I want to be--
under the sea,
in an octopus's garden, etc.
i used to dream of being a mermaid.
mermaids in movies always have too stiff of tails--
too leg-filled-costumey.
I want a REAL fish's tail.
and gills.
and someting softer than seashells to cover my nips--
those fish do NOT need a free show.
If I was a mermaid...
I would swim to your shore.
and I would sing for you--
a song only you could hear,
a song only a mermaid could sing,
and you would walk, dream-like, from your house--
half-dressed, probably, and with shaving cream on half your face.
bare feet.
(i hope it's summer...)
your eyes would be cloudy, your heart beating slowly, your steps straight and sure.
you would reach the edge of the sand, and keep walking
your pants clinging to you with seawater.
You would see me, then, blending in with the rocks,
and your eyes would clear.
you would smile a smile of coming home.
my song would stop...
i would swim toward you and pull you to me
your gills would sprout as your pants were shredded by your new tail,
and we would glide through the water, holding hands.
i would tell you to go home, at one point.
and you would smile...
I am home.

two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl?
yeah...something like that...

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