Friday, January 21, 2005

So many things today...

and maybe even a fantasy.
I don't know yet...

So who thinks it's cool that the end of a 12 day business trippy thing was SUPPOSED TO BE TONIGHT, but that a god damned FOG BANK over all of salt lake city is keeping my husband from me??? who? not me.
he's not terribly thrilled, either.
especially since his luggage made it on an earlier flight,
and his phone charger was in it,
and his brother arranged him a hotel,
but this brother must secretly hate him--
howard johnson's express, chinatown oakland.
...he's afraid to go out for a pack of smokes and has only paid dial-up.
poor spoiled business traveller.
I feel so bad for him...
but mostly for me.
there's just a way you SLEEP with your husband you know?
(well not YOU, you're a guy, jesus, quit taking me so literally.)
all spoonerific and such.

and did i mention (i've started more paragraphs with that fucking line than i can count...okay, more than I WILL count, cuz c'mon, who has that kind of time?)
i lost my train of thought.
oh yeah!
the remote is fucked up for the dvd player in my room.
and the menus of the movie i'm trying to watch happen to be set up in such a fashion as to make it impossible for me to actually view the movie without the GOD DAMNED remote.
I could watch it on one of my 21 inch monitors--
scratch that, I only have ONE working computer.
does anyone notice a pattern?
my life is falling apart without the spousal unit around.
i can guarantee that i'll have severe car trouble tomorrow.
probably preventing me from taking my kids to preschool.
you do realize that if this occurs, i most assuredly WILL have a nervous breakdown?
like, not a REAL one, but I'll cry, swear, throw stuff...
maybe even curl up in a ball and rock back and forth, just for effect.
i might even get a weekend trip to the loony bin out of the deal--
party on!!

which reminds me...
i've always tried to be honest on here--
no, scratch that.
i haven't "tried" jack shit.
i just am.
but sometimes i lean a little too much in a certain direction--
so much so that i end up horizontal,
nudge nudge wink wink
in other words, this place reaks of bad sex and worse haircuts.
I'm going for a full make-over.
we're going to focus on the kids, cooking, helpful cleaning tips and--
how to load a revolver.
just in case.
ok, the kids can stay, but jesus.
my real point is, I'm trying to reassess and make sure i'm really being as true to myself with this crapola as I think I am.
(god DAMN I wish I knew how to spell that)

mentioning the kids reminded me...
I had a wake-up call as to how overwhelming they can be from senor smartass preschooler the other day.
(a kid i drove to the fucking field trip from hell)
about 34 seconds into our drive, he said, "aaah! they talk to much! they're giving me a headache!"
it was sorta cute the first time,
as i politely asked if he had any brothers or sisters--
thinking, he must be an only child if he can't handle two kids lightly chattering...
he's one of four kids under 7.
well. there goes that theory.
by the by, it got less cute each of the next 45 times he said it...
so anyway, they rock and i'm more in love with them than i can even stand sometimes,
but this blog is not the place for that.
it is the place, however, for knee-slapping accounts of life with Lisa:

this is an audio post - click to play

at the gym today, I was having..."a day"...
I put the wrong shirt with the pants I was wearing and it was highly unflattering...
So, I was repeating to myself, as I lifted weights,
"fucking fat ass, fucking fat ass"
and I think I even mumbled it aloud a few times--
that could explain the crusties that larger fella shot me.
(sorry man--me, not you, me not you...)
so about that time, I realized I was being a dipshit--
happened a little more quickly than usual--
probably because The Cult's Edie came up in the rotation on the ole i(mposter)pod.
And decided to be a bigger dipshit, but a kinder, gentler dipshit...
And began repeating, "I am strong. I am healthy. I am beautiful." kinda worked.
I was smiling, at least.
Even if it was in response to my newfound dorkhood.
And speaking of the music maker--
The other day I was doing declined situp thingies--
(Ankles hooked, head down by floor, about a 45 degree angle, I'd say.)
and I could see the monster out of the corner of my eye, bulging out of my pocket.
"Is that a 40 gig Ipod in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
flitted through my brain.
I started giggling.
And as soon as I suppressed it, I said it again, and guffawed a bit.
Good thing I don't care what level of crazy the other gym patrons have me pegged at, isn't it?

didn't I just basically tell y'all "no sex"?
I'm a sucker.
yes, that too.
dammit, i have ADD or something.
I'm a sucker for you sweet things, so I shouldn't leave you hanging without warning...
I'm going to pull my old re-run trick again.
I figure I deserve it after cranking out 55 of the damnable things.
(if you're wondering why they're not in the archives it's because i purposely took them out...)

Fantasy Friday--originally posted May 16, 2004
(something rather soft...)

riding along in an old pick up truck, the windows open, the gravel road a tunnel of dust behind us....
the heat is heavy and thick--the wind coming in is hot.
there is a perfect spot for swimming ahead.
all i can think is: i don't have my swimming suit. and my dad would kill me.
i glance over at you, and my body fights the outside heat to remind me how you make me feel.
i've never even had a real boyfriend...
Joey Reid is taking me to the prom next week, but we've been friends since 3rd grade.
and he's just a boy.
you have no idea how much i've watched you--wanted you.
...since the day my parents hired you to train our horses for competition.
you treat me like a little sister...but today i hope to change that.
we park under a tree and you get out, tossing your cowboy hat onto the seat and bending to remove your boots.
i pull my long hair out of its clasp, letting it fall over my shoulders.
you glance up as i do this and i can see your face flush a little.
i pretend not to notice, as i slip out of my shorts and tank top.
you blush more deeply and mumble something about my dad.
he's not here.
i smile back at you as i walk toward the water in my little matching set of black lace underclothes.
your jaw drops for a second, then you hurry to catch up to me.
your offer, oblivious to the markedly different source causing the heat to radiate off me.
as i take the towel from you, i touch your hand and you take a step back.
i laugh, breaking the spell.
race ya?
i run for the dock and dive off into the cool water, without looking back.
you dive in after me and we both swim silently for a few minutes, then tread water, as we talk about the horses.
i climb up the ladder, to dive back in--
catching a look on your face that i've been hoping to see.
as i slip back into the water i'm smiling.
when i come up, you're there.
you reach out to touch the water dripping from my chin, your blue eyes boring into me.
i put a hand to your chest, as i find my footing on a rock.
there is a moment--filled with complete silence and stillness--in which we could still turn back.
in the slight movement required to lift my eyes to yours it's as if i've run a hundred miles--our world is flipped inside out.
your arms encircle me, your lips are on mine and there is only us.
touching, breathing, kissing...the water lapping around us.
you slip my bra off and toss it to the dock.
i am equally enamoured of your hard and smooth.
you take my hand and lead me back to the truck, where you pull a blanket from behind the seat and lay it under a tree.
we kneel there, kissing again as we finish undressing.
you pause, ask if i'm sure.
in answer i pull you down on top of me, wrapping my legs around your back, lazily stretching my arms above my head.
you run a finger down the length of one arm, leaning down to kiss each breast.
i shiver in the heat and tighten my legs around you.
you kiss my neck, my ears, as you slowly move into me.
the smell of wild flowers and apple blossoms fills the air, and the buzz of insects is soon drowned out by our breathing, panting--moaning.
the water has dried and is being replaced by sweat as we move together in the spare shade of a tree.

we lay back, both staring at the sky with silly grins on our faces.
you roll to your side and ask me if i'm okay, as you smooth my hair back from my face.
i smile, nodding slightly, and stand to dress.
what's your hurry?
i nod in the direction of the dirt road, causing you to scramble for your clothes.
my dad.

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