party poopers

we ditched the concert.
we got up there...
it was cold.
we were hungry...
and we realized, we didn't care about the first 3 bands.
and we didn't want to be up that late on a work day...
so yeah.
my true colors are showing now!
frigging almost 30 tired old fuck.
that's me.
well...to be fair, it was mostly my husband who didn't want to go.
but we had a fantastic dinner.
tried to order a beer.
got carded, didn't have my license.
lame.
no biggie.
but they had michelobe ultra on tap which only means we'll be going back.

filed our taxes today.
refund.
probably enough to pay for the custody lawyer.
i hate that stupid bitch.
why the fuck does her infidelity and selfishness have to keep fucking up MY life???
her divorce should not be impacting us in the least.
but we're the ones getting screwed.
and of course the child.
who has lost the 2nd father in 6 years.
i hate her.
i wish she would_________
(sorry, my superstions about karma prevent me from saying all the horrible things i think she deserves.)
but she does.

okay enough of that..
let's have some sparkle some glitter some joy.
let's party like it's 1999.
let's feeeeeeeeel good (na na na na na na).
let's spin in circles, staring up at the sky, laughing and dizzy.
let's run through a green meadow, almost reaching that pot of gold.
did you ever do that as a kid?
we used to. i remember the street i lived on until i was 8, the street that led to the most perfect tiny beach.
five minutes on bikes.
i cracked open my whole face coming down that hill once.
and i was disappointed that it had healed already when school started.
anyway, the rainbows always seemed to end at the ocean, so we'd bike down there and run along the rocks, hoping we could get close enough...
everything fresh and smelling like rain, but with the sun poking through again.
why is everything so beautiful there?
and by there i mean in Memoryville.
so sharp so clear--so perfect.
the hot sand under my toes, the gulls screeching above.
the hum of a lobster boat close to shore.
the islands on the horizon, close and clear if there's a storm coming, smudged and distant if not.
the way everything looked bigger from inside that small town.
let's laugh like we're 10 years old again.
and taking the canoe out in the pond, collecting tadpoles.
a chrysallis on a stick in a jar.
being there the day it turns into a monarch.
orange and black, so delicate and strong.
sitting in the O's backyard setting an elaborate wedding scene for our Barbies, fighting over who gets to name her doll Mindy...

and that god damn bouquet staring at me from the desk.
my wedding bouquet that is beautiful but a huge disapointment.
the exact opposite of my request.
no roses, i said.
just these.
in a bunch.
enough to make the stems this big around.
single white ribbon.
no roses.
oh well.
so proud of her creation.
do you like it?
smiling.
you fucking bitch it's my wedding day and i have a million things left to do before the ceremony including pick up his ring and figure out my hair and remember to shave and learn to not trip in these 17 inch platform heels.
fuck you and your fucking attitude of doing it the same way you do it for every other god damn cookie cutter bride in this god damn herd of sheep place.
yes, it's great.
thank you.
fuck YOU, Lisa.
for being a pussy and not in the good way.
that's what i always see out of the corner of my eye as i type.
not the smile on my face.
or his.
and how happy we were in our naivite.
not the many wonderful friends and family.
not the shadow of the girl who wasn't invited but came anyway.
a girl from his past.
but fuck you, because i read the letters you wrote him and you're as dumb as rocks.
you couldn't spell or even put together sentences in an interesting manner.
you sounded like a 5th grader, but you were 19.
nope, all i see is that damn bouquet.
and it looks nice.
but i wish i would have had the guts, the time the energy to say: no, this is not what i ordered. make me a new one. now.
fortunately, that is the only regret i have of that day.
the harpist could have been a little fucking louder, too.
i'm smiling right now remembering running into a friend a year or so later.
they asked how's the baby?
welll, he's 3 now, we just dropped him off at his mother's.
no, your baby.
i don't have a baby.
oh...
we heard you got married cuz you were pregnant.
kind of funny, and not surprising since it was a short courtship and an even shorter engagement.
felt like i lived in a small town again and it made me chuckle.

it will be spring soon.
and i can climb every mountain.
or at least a few.
i can wear tank tops and short shorts.
on sunday.
while mowing the lawn.
(all of those things alone are evil, but together---mwahahaha)
and maybe this will be the year i learn to golf.
and maybe this will be the year i don't go home.
not sure if it's worth it....
dragging the kids to see a bunch of people who, like me, have their own lives in the present.
they're a part of my past.
i don't have the energy to miss them anymore.
if i could live there, we would be best friends again.
but ten years is a long time to hold on.
my fingers are getting stiff.

time to go make some carb free cookies.
yes, i'm obsessed.
bite me.
no really, open up.
i kinda like it.
right there.
mmmmmmmmm.......