i feel a storm brewing

nah, not in my soul.
nothing like that.
i just had mexican for dinner last night.

actually, i'm just trying to be intriguing.
i guess i should have said, "It was a dark and stormy night..."
but it wasn't.
it was actually a rather bland, unremarkable day.
it was a little sunny, but the rain was coming.
the day my muscles started aching.
the day my life started slipping away.
the day i first knew he wouldn't be back.

whoa.
i think i kinda did it.
are you intrigued?
i need to start writing real stuff.
like, as in...
a story with some depth and characters and important things or thoughts or thistles...
maybe i can rent out my kids by the week, like a summer home for couples considering starting a family.
(such a harmless, sweet phrase: starting a family...aw, how cute, how fucking special.)
a little shock treatment.
that'll keep em well stocked in birth control.
believe you me.
anyway.
if i did that, i could have time to write.
or my husband.
maybe i'll rent him out by the hour.
...like a training course for newlyweds.
nah, this is how you give her multiples....
hmm.
why in the bloody hell am i fixated on newlyweds?
maybe i fell asleep with the game show channel on and they had a Newlyweds marathon.
or maybe i'm nostalgic for my own days as a newlywed from the bouquet rant yesterday.
or maybe i just have no creativity so i used the same scenario twice.

i would like to take a moment to direct your attention to my ass.
there is a nice open spot for you to kiss, if you don't mind.
that's right.
oh, getting cute, are you?
which acre.
that's original--how bout i plow your back 40 with my foot and you can choose which acre?

do you ever wonder if i have multiple personalities?
i don't.
but i think you might, since i talk to myself with such ease, such grace.
nah.
it's just that i'm a talented writer.
oops, just snorted water out my nose over that one.
it's possible that if i focused and worked hard i could churn out something of worth.
but since i'm not only a lazy fuck but have more distractions than an ADD nymphomaniac in a sex shop....
we'll probably never find out what i have to offer.

and that's okay, too.
i'm reading a book for the first time in a couple of months.
Diary, Chuck Palahniuk.
i know, i'm like a day late and a dollar short and stuff.
i'm the last person alive to read one of his books.
but i'm enjoying it.
so fuck right the hell off.
do that whole ass kissing exercise again, too.
if you don't mind.
hey, you'll thank me.
it's good for you.
it strengthens your bendis overum muscle.
that's right.
so that when the guy at the car repair shop or the cell phone billing people or your un-promoting boss want to give it to you---
you're ready.