Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Tuesday afternoon is neverending...

i got a whole ton of christmas cards yesterday (i'm not kidding--they weighed hundreds of pounds each!)
and once again i'm beseiged by that guilty feeling...
the voices in my head are shouting, "get off your fat ass and send some christmas cards you pathetic waste of flesh!!"
they're emotionally abusive and i know i should leave them, but they love me...i need them...i'm nothing without them...
I might just do it this year.
just thinking about it makes me giddy in anticipation of destroying one of my evil, slothful habits.

i can't believe it'll be Christmas in just over a week!
and new year's a week later...
we still don't know what we're doing.
something big.
something fun.
something which requires a new, gorgeous dress.

dreamed about someone really obscure last night.
someone i haven't thought about in years.
well, that's not true.
it was strip poker guy.
and he looked horrible...skinny, stringy hair, a moustache!!

you know what's weird about hindsight?
it really is 20/20...
i mean, everything looks so different, so clear...
like, wondering why a certain guy didn't make more of a play for me.
back then i was this girl...
this girl that all the guys wanted.
the sweet, churchy young one, the wild long haired musician ones, the chef with his own set of knives who took me to the ballet, the recently divorced one and the one i always thought was just a friend...
i knew it, i loved it.
it seemed that i still couldn't get the one i wanted.
the one i really wanted.
the one i couldn't even admit i wanted because he was so dangerous.
the one with a girlfriend.
that i didn't know about in time to do me any good.
but now that i look back on him and some of the choices he made after i knew him...
it seems he had lower self esteem than i guessed.
i thought he was beautiful, confident, above it all.
turns out he was a scared little kid like the rest of us.

i had a habit of putting boys on pedastals, now that i think of it...
i always assumed they were everything i saw in them.
i blurred the image, made them into gods.
this was a reflection of my own insecurity, i suppose.
(an insecurity that was magnified by the two years i spent at stupid ass Brigham Young University, getting ignored.)
(fucking mormons.)

so here's my dilemma of the week...
i am DYING to go back to the gym.
but the kids (and I) still have coughs and runny noses.
they're better than i am, but i just hate the idea of spreading this to more people.
damn conscience.

No comments: