I feel like...

shit.
Or some other unpleasant bodily function.
But I'll spare you the details.
Just know that instead of the screen on my monitor,
I'm seeing black.
Oh!
Maybe I should open my eyes!!
Wow, great idea.
Much better.
Now I'm just seeing blotches.

So this morning I slept in a bit (til almost 8! woo!)
and when I got to my throne
(office chair, not toilet)
I checked comments and email very quickly...
And then.
AND THEN--
I dove head first into the
World
Wide
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
Web.
Oh, what a tinseled and twinkly-light joy of the soul
(or shopping addiction) that was!
Wow.
I found everything my kids had asked for,
plus a few more things I know they'll love,
ordered a magazine subscrition for my Dad,
ordered two more 20-piece sets of my gorgeous silverware
(from my husband!)
and...
hm...
it was all such a euphoric whirlwind, I am afraid I'm leaving something out.
And have I mentioned lately how FREAKING AWESOME my kids are??
Picked them up from the playroom at the gym today
and Max asked me where mama birds come from.
So I told him that they start out as baby birds,
and then they grow up.
Then he wanted to know what they're made of...
and where their heads and feet come from.
SIIIIIIIIGH.
Ok, so help me out.
I have never initiated a playdate--the kids have never had one.
I have a couple of friends with kids their age and we all hang out,
often in very play date-ish ways.
(wave of nausea...hold on...)
but I am scared to just ask a mom from their school or at the gym if she wants to trade numbers and set something up.
I need to just suck it up and do it.
Today there was another mom picking up her kids while I was picking up mine.
She had a boy their age and girl TEN MONTHS YOUNGER.
whoa.
that's enough to drive ya to drink.
I assured her that she had it rougher than I did in most ways.
We had a nice little conversation,
and as we walked away, I had a nagging feeling...
I should have--could have!!
Argh.
My kids are going to be social rejects.
Oh well.
At least they're smart.
And handsome.
And...
Ok, maybe I'm consumed by crazy love for my kids,
but I guess that's normal.
(it doesn't mean they're not perfect, though--I am still totally objective!!)

Ok, really.
I should probably go crawl into my bed and try not to hurl.
but that reminds me.
The other night, I got into bed and just as I was lying down I coughed a couple of times really hard.
It left my mouth tasting of blood.
I remarked on this to my mostly-asleep, entirely-apathetic husband,
and got no response (what a cliff-hanger. I bet you would have never guessed!)
So as I snuggled in, I noticed that my heart felt strange.
Not that mythical place for feelings and jesus to dwell, but the actual blood pumping fist-sized muscle!
(someone told my kids that Jesus lives in your heart. grrr. So yesterday when we were talking about Santa and I was fielding their doubting questions of how he could see you all the time and how he could know whether or not you're being good, one of them suggested that he might live in your heart. I suppressed a giggle and just said, "Yeah. Maybe so!" But all I could picture was this darkly cozy little room, with Christ and Santa in recliners, feet up in front of a fire...hey, why not?)
ANYWHO.
It was fucking strange to be so aware of the beating of my heart,
and to think there might be something wrong with it--
or with my lungs, which I was convinced were bleeding.
So then I thought, "This is where panic attacks come from."
And instead of adding a stick figure with a name badge reading "P. Anick Attak" or some such garbage to my cozy little room, I decided to put it all out of my head entirely.
I have no time for panicking over shit I can't control.
(I am in no way trying to make light of people who have real panic attacks--or know someone named P. Anick Attak, for that matter--because I really was freaked out but I know that real panic attacks are not nearly so easy to control. thank you, goodnight.)

Wow.
It looks like I was a good girl this year,
and the Parentheses Fairy didn't fail to notice.
Sweet.

Is this a good place for me to announce that I have a crush?
(I also don't feel like puking anymore, at least for the moment)
Yeah, I didn't think so.

Me and my "to puke or not to puke" self are going to bed.
...after I buy just a couple more things...