Friday, December 16, 2005

Drowning in mental clutter...

Seriously folks, I feel like my head is about to short out and catch on fire.
It could be fun, maybe I'll just sit back and watch.
Yesterday I was waiting for my green turn arrow, when the oncoming traffic got a green light--all of them.
Usually the left turn lanes go first, then both directions get their straight greens.
So, I was zoned out.
So far out, that I could see the earth below me like a frickin map.
(it was stellar, by the way...)
(yes, intentional pun; carry on.)
So, my ever-watchful eyes then notice a clearing in oncoming traffic.
I am waiting to make a left turn, so this is what I needed to see--
Foot lifts from brake, descends upon gas.
I hear a horn honk somewhere off to the right,
and my eyes flick to the lights--
indignancy rising to the surface: stupid ass, it's my turn.
Still red.
Changed to green as I passed beneath it.
That was fucking jarring.
I never. EVER. do stuff like that.
I have been having trouble speaking properly for the last couple of days,
and my dry little non-cold cough is heading into its 3rd week of residence here in my mouth-throat-chest-self.
I am.
Oh, and of course I wasn't actually wishing anyone cancer, people--
It was my slightly more creative way of saying, "take a leap, buddy."
Just let the record show that my symptoms of a brain tumor (or my recognition of them as such) started before my comment yesterday.
And my buddy Mojo Coyote seems to be the one who got what I was saying: anonymous's soul is riddled with cancer,
and I also think it takes a cancerous move of the brain to go around polluting someone else's happy place.
Yes, this is my happy place.
Don't feel sorry for me...heh.

Ok, enough of that malarky. felt really cool to type "malarky"...
Back to my water filling the lungs issue--
I am drowning in gorgeous correspondence/correspondents and I feel dreadful about it.
Really only 3 people, but it feels heavy on the walls of my stomach, and pressing against my lungs.
I love people so may have no idea of this, from the way I play up my rants on here, but I do.
I have always been very socially driven, seeking out company of wonderful souls at all possible times.
I enjoy spending time alone, and have no qualms going shopping alone, going to restaurants alone, or any of that.
I just feast off the interactions with stimulating adults like a gluttonous opera singer.
(I looove opera....especially while I'm studying or soaking in the tub)
I also feel a heavy sense of responsibilty, when it comes to communication, even down to comments from first-time visitors.
I am having a hard time adjusting to this new paradigm, in which I am no longer intimately familiar with the majority of my commenters.
I used to have time to read everyone's blogs--
and that was my favorite part of all this.
I would (and still do) scribble out a post and drop it on here,
then run off to soak up my friends.
Now...I'm getting sorely behind on my daily reads and still not getting to know new readers like I should.
It's just in my nature to try to take everyone into my heart, so I feel like I'm letting you all down.
I guess, now that I write it, it's kind of one cares!
Just know that I'm not ignoring your comments, your blogs, your emails--
I just don't have time at the moment to be a proper friend...

That was a bit heavy for a Friday--
especially since I've used "heavy" about 43 times now.
I do feel better, though.
I am stubbornly blogging at the moment,
even though I would normally be making breakfast for my husband right now.
(and do feel a twinge of guilt for my slacking...)
And could stand to get out and do a spot of shopping before picking up the kids in a FUCKING HOUR.
So, I'm here.
Taking care of my frazzled mind instead of taking care of someone else.
I almost never make that choice, but it had to be done.
I am going slowly crazy...

Will be back later.
With something more uplifting...probably.

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