maaaaaaaaan. i am one of those people who always hears the wrong words in songs. even when it's the fucking title. heard one of my old favorite Bush songs today, and couldn't remember the title so i tried searching on Lyric Find for it, but since the lyrics i entered were NOT EVEN IN THE SONG it didn't work. also, they don't really have that many lyrics. they didn't offer any bush lyrics, so i went to a bush site and checked a few songs....after reading a list of song titles, i was browsing some lyrics and then it hit me--it is not "catacombs between us" because, really what the hell would that mean??? it is CHEMICALS BETWEEN US which is the title of the damn song. sometimes i do not know how i survive in this dog eat dog world. i mean, jeeeeeeeez.

so the Leftover Salmonshow was fantastic!!! we had a great time, although there was more good conversation than getting into the music so for me that always makes the musical experience a little less worthwhile. my friend has not had a good night's sleep in 3 weeks and was just plain too tired to get into it, and her brother, well, guys are less likely to get up and shake their groove thang--especially when their only companion is their older sister's friend. sooooo...that was the only downer. i'm not some fantastic dancer, by any means, but for me to really sink into music i have to be moving. oh well. like i said, we had a good time--good conversation. park city is about an hour up a canyon, which means there's basically one road that would get us home. well, just as we got to the part of the road that would lead us home there was a cop car parked in our lane, so we stopped and asked him if we could get through. he said the road was closed and turned and walked away. um, excuse me officer, i am trying to get home and i might not know of any other way to get there could you possibly offer some suggestions???? the only thing i knew of would be to go back 20 minutes to where we had just been and contiue north-ish another 15 minutes to SLC and get on the freeway there. fortunately my friend knew of a sort of back road that circled very neatly around the closed road section. and we ended up only adding about 15 minutes to the trip. fucking pigs. just kidding, but still, it's cops like him who give cops a bad name--he was not friendly or helpful at all. so apparently there was some massive accident or something. we could see all the flashing lights but it looked like it wasn't even on the road--it was at this little municpal airport.........oh well.

i gotta go get the guest room ready. my brother in law is in town for a couple of days. better do the dishes too.

so i printed up the invitations for my class reunion today. found the perfect paper for it, too. i'm really quite excited about how well they turned out.

i talked to a good friend yesterday, with whom i don't keep in touch like i should. it gets harder and harder every year. anyway, i miss her. we had only been talking for about ten minutes when her weekend guest showed up so i'll probably call her again in a few days. had yet to discuss some important things with her. a book, a mutual acquaintence, the ensuing chaos...yadda yadda yadda. i'm trying to talk the hubby into letting me go up to visit her (in montana) for 2 or 3 days before my trip to maine--sans les enfants, mais, je ne crois pas qu'il vas dire "oui". snort. i think i'm pretty hot shit, apparently. hey, i can't help it--it just sort of came out. (translation: without the kids, but i don't think he'll say yes). i'm such a dork.

LEFTOVER SALMON show tonight!!! i'm a weeeee bit excited. i love park city. it is the place i feel most at home here in this black hole. it reminds me a LOT of Camden--yes, a bit touristy, but you know what? that's home to me. and most of the people in park city are not uptight mormons. anyway, it should be a great time. i'm going with a gooooooood friend and her little brother who is hilarious. i'll certainly tell you all how it went. of course, it'll probably suck just because i'm excited. or, it'll be sold out when we get there. oh well. c'est la vie. chortle.

i wish i could lose weight faster. i know, i know. dieting would help. fuck that. food is so lovely. it does surprise me that my massive amount of exercising hasn't made a larger dent in my, well, whale-ishness. i mean, really. i don't eat THAT much. i really don't. actually i was watching some home movies from about a year ago (right when i started working out) and holy lord i was fat. it helped me remember that i have improved, but jeeeeez.

okay, enough complaining. time to go stuff envelopes. there is only one month until the bloody reunion, so i better get hopping.

Husband's golfing 36 tomorrow. ha. i just typed 35 by mistake, and that reminded me of today when he saw a new golf course and wondered aloud how many holes it had and i said, "18, 20--whatever it takes." because one of his favorite movie quotes is from mr. mom when the dude is doing a wiring job and he says 220, 221--whatever it takes. it was funny. and you didn't even have to be there. magine that....

TOTALLY stumbled on Flash Gordon the movie today!!!! From 1980. Hell YEAH. saw it in the theater when i was 5 frickin years old! i even remembered a couple of scenes.......crap. it was pure crap. fantastic crap, though. with a theme song by none other than QUEEN. some great costumes and special effects...uh, NOT! i'm sorry, but that is the coolest thing that no one says anymore. i wish it would make a comback, because--damn it's convenient for relaying sarcasm in print.....anyway, i knew it was fate because i was scrolling through the channels and there it was: flash gordon (1:15) and my eyes darted to the clock--1:17!!! and we have lift off. i have the biggest hang up possible with not skipping the beginning of a movie if it's one i haven't seen before (or in this case in 23 years, which pretty much counts). if i've seen the flick, sure, i'll pop in at any point. but hubby doesn't mind watching the last 45 minutes of some movie he's never seen. i can't stand it. because i like knowing all the subtle stuff, the inuendos, correctly guessing the ending, etc. anyway.

just typing away back there i had this little vision (no, not like THAT) of the sun rising at this specific place back home...my bus used to pick me up at about 6:30 in the morning for school, the first stop, then head out to this island and loop around and hit school more than an hour later. shitty, by the way. i got up at some ungodly hour like 5. bleh. anyway, that's the only reason i ever saw the sun rise--it was NOT my choice. morning licks dog ass. i would never see the dark side of noon if i didn't have kids or a job requiring such....anyway!! the point is: it was a breathtaking sight. crossing that little causeway/bridge thingy with the sun emerging from the ocean and the painted sky all around....and the trees....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.... it really made it all worth it. it's strange, this human ability to be filled up so completely by something so far outside oneself, something so repetitive, even...something so grand yet so simple. perhaps i will seek out that location for a morning run...okay, let's be honest--i'm waaaaay more likely to catch a sunrise on my way home from a late night....too bad sunrise is so damn early. it's really spectacular over the ocean...which is why it's possible i should move to the west coast: sun sets over the ocean there, and i'm ALWAYS awake by sun set.

this thing won't stop publishing, it's like stuck in a loop.....but it's not actually publishing. ferk.

so. today i finally spoke to the ohh so hot neighbor for the first time. was i smooth? was i cool? was i looking good? that'd be a resounding "hell no" on all counts. dammit. twin A walked over to look at the compressor unit for our air conditioner which is just outside our back door, which happens to be about two feet from their driveway...dude was washing his stunning Harley--and looking damn near stunning himself--and since i was standing about 3.4 feet away from him i couldn't avoid saying something. WHY didn't i say something cool about the bike? i was thinking it, honestly i was, but as he smiled at me in a "hello neighbor" fashion and i smiled back in a "hello neighbor who i find hunky but will pretend not to" fashion, the words which erupted from my vile mouth were, "he's obsessed with the fan...anything that opens and closes, and anything that spins--they just love it." gaaaaaawd. i guess it's probably because for as hot as i think he is, i have no desire to flirt or even pseudo-flirt. and that's a good thing, but jeeeeez. why couldn't i have at least said something that made sense?????? and the thing about the bike, i mean, it was right there, sparkling in the sunshine-- even someone who's not given to fainting spells upon the mere sight of such a glorious machine would have said, "wow, what a beautiful bike!" or some such dribble--and furthermore, could have without sounding flirty or silly or lame...sigh. instead of looking at that as a missed opportunity, i think i'll look at it as a saved marriage. har har!! awww, who knows, maybe he's smitten with socially handicapped housewives....

the weather is gorgeous, by the way. Sunny but not hot. have i ever mentioned how much i hate being hot? i would rather be cold any day of the week--you can always add layers, snuggle in a blanket, etc. but when it's hot outside it just sort of takes the fun out of summer for me. yes, yes, i'm a huge whiner. and i LIKE it.

Here's a list of things to do before i die:
1. sky dive
2. publish a (god damn) novel
3. get married and divorced in Las Vegas (not sure how to go about that at this point--can i remarry my husband, and divorce him but only pertaining to that marriage....damn.i might have missed the boat on this one.fuck.)
4. learn to sail
5. get my fucking bachelr's degree (like the non-loser i used to be should have done years ago!!!)
6. own (and run) a bed and breakfast
7. and oh yeah--MOVE OUT OF UTAH

so now you know. I am hereby accountable for my wishes. dammit. where's the delete key???

i'm still reeling from the acid-tripping laser light show thingy i went to at the planetarium last night. i don't know how to explain it, except that it must be what it's like to take psychedelic drugs. there were worm holes and fire storms and stars in 3D and of course it was all set to the greatest classic rock songs ever (my Zep, Hendrix, Doors, Floyd, even Metallica....sigh). My senses were thoroughly satiated. It was just your basic computer animation, granted, but the visuals complemented the music in a very complete way...it was a crazy ride, folks, that's all i'm saying. I'll definitely be going back.

somehow i thought i'd have more to say about the show, but i find that sleep has deadened my enthusiasm.

Time to start planning for and shopping for the twinner's 3rd birthday and subsequent parties. i'm pretty excited.

Also, i'm proud of myself for finally (after 6 frigging months!!) realizing that i could put my counter on the border instead of in the blog text and cutting and pasting it into a new post every couple of days so it would stay visible. I am once again reminded of just how computer illiterate I am. Sometimes i get all puffed up and feeling like queen shit on computer island because i know more about computers than your average 60 year old....but then I do stupid shit like that and I am brought soundly back to earth with the quiet hissing of my deflating ego......oh well. i'm a dessert girl and i can't say no to a slice of pie--even if it's humble pie.

testes, testes, one two--three???!!! okay, why is my counter all f'ed up? dude! well, fuck. it's not just my counter. all my side bar shit is now at the bottom of the page. what the fuckity fuck???? well, thanks for the new format BLogger-ass! grrrr. kay, let's see if this computer non-genius can figure out how to fix it. bear with me. or fuck off.
okay, i'm getting it...my template disappeared while i was trying to update it, so i had to start over and they didn't have my old green one. oh well. whatever. i had nothing better to do for the past fucking hour anyway. dammit. i need to take a shower so i'll be ready to go OUT tonight. faaaaaaaaaaacccck.

kay. i think it just might be all up and running again. cripes. i mean friggin hell. what, i'm supposed to actually work at this once in a while???? fuck that!

oh my! just got home from a girls night of watching the greatest new reality show!! It is purely decadent good fun--Paradise Hotel, baby!! Similar to Temptation island, it is a perfect opportunity to laugh at the follies and heartbreak of others, and especially to make fun of the pretty girls who think looks are all that matter--they were born without a personality. Oh goooood fun, that one. i have not had that much fun watching a TV show in rememberable history. damn. that's gonna be a keeper! I just hope cute dorky boy doesn't get his feelings hurt...(we tivo'd the first two episodes and watched them both tonight) oops. just realized i already covered this yesterday. er. or today? i was supposed to go tomorrow, but we did it tonight instead...anyway. blah blah blah.

i need to do some serious research on what toys to take on the plane for my boys....i've had a few friends suggest the old cold medicine trick, but i don't know if it would work. besides, i think they could be sort of fun awake....yes, i'm insane.

there's already a book being released about Elizabeth smart's kidnapping ordeal. gag. her dad was busted with gay porn and had been sighted on kiddie porn chat rooms, so my theory that he was involved is back on track. not that being gay has anything to do with it, but trust me--the whole mormon sexual repression thing causes all sorts of strange things...like, if he's supposed to be gay (as we can all tell by looking at him) but he can't admit it to himself/act it out/whatever, then he's going to end up being sexually deviant. did you know that teenage boys have killed themselves because they couldn't stop masturbating and were told that it was a HUGE sin? i'm not exaggerating. and i have met more people who were molested since moving here than i ever did back in maine--and they were all by grandpa or dad or someone else who is on the outside in totally good standing wtih the church. i could go on and on listing specific examples, but i won't. people in maine who were molested it was by some pathetic loser step father/mother's boyfriend of the week type. I don't know. i just think the high incidence of it (although the statistics probably wouldn't show it's higher here because no one reports it to authorities---only to their bishop, who is the equivalent of a priest/pastor/minister) is due to the enormous amount of sexual repression. it's ridiculous. i'm sure god would rather have these guys come out of the closet or whack off or whatever they need to do than abuse innocent children and scar them for life! anyway, that's my rant of the week about religion doing weird stuff. please excuse my outburst.

time for bed.

Still rainy and cold here in 90 degree desert land--and i'm still not complaining!

i have been slacking on my workouts in a big way these past few weeks and i feel horrible!!! i've been busier than usual and sort of forced to choose work over work OUT. dammit. I'm going to my sister in law's tomorrow to watch Paradise Hotel...it looks positively wretched, despicable and deccadent! i can't wait! we love watching those silly shows and making fun of the skanky folks...

so....once upon a time...there was a girl who was dissatisfied with life. one day she woke up and she was happy again. it's so weird how that happens.

i need some new music to infuse me with excitement about my workout, but i'm not very good at finding it. i'm going to Park City to see a band this weekend, so hopefully that'll be something i want....but, if not, i just don't know. i need something NEW, you know? but it has to be FAST, like speed metal, maybe, but i need to like it...grrrr.

Did a little work on "the novel" last night. i love that book so much, but there is still so much work to do on it!!!! i wish i had more time in the day....or i could just make it a priority. =) jeeeeez.

three weeks from tomorrow and i'll be sailing along above the earth again...only this time with a cranky three year old on either side of me...yes, i'm a pessimist. i need to start researching for hand held toys to entertain 3 year olds. and how can i fit enough snacks and entertainment in one backpack??? oh well. at least it's only a 4.5 hour flight. and then a 4 hour drive. but that part doesn't worry me, cuz my dad'll stop whenever the boys are getting too grouchy. i'll plot out every mcdonald's playland from boston to rockland!!!

my friend was just in Las Vegas, looking for a house (they're moving there so her husband can go to law school) and they decided to hit the town. well, they made the mistake of looking up "entertainment" in the yellow pages...apparently that's where all the hookers have their ads--sweeeeeet! i just tried to look it up on the web yellow pages, but no luck. oh well. still rather funny...

wow. we've been having lots of rain and thunderstorms this week and i am LOVING it!!! however...the thunder is extraordinarily loud at the moment and it keeps making me jump. a few hours ago when it started raining, it was also hailing and the rain was huge and fierce...........what a rush!!! i wanted to run down the middle of street, soaking up nature's tears of joy and sadness...

well, our sprinklers just turned on...that's the bad part of having your sprinklers on a timer...and of course, i still make fun of everyone else whose sprinklers go off during a rain storm "fucking idiots, can't they save a little water? we're in a god damn drought!" she mumbles with disdain...

i think instead of making 18 year olds choose their life's career, by declaring a major, they should test us for our abilities and interests and sort of make us choose between 2 or 3 career paths that they think we're suited for...and then instead of 4 years of college we should have targeted training course. sometimes i think it would be nice if big brother existed--what's so wrong with that? just cuz i hate making decisions...

watched a little Outer Limits tonight. good stuff. Mark Hamill was even in it. just trying to get some hits here...just kidding.

just finished baking my cake for a little family party tomorrow, and i'm waiting for it to cool so i can frost it.

my stupid micro soft out look burst into flames and blew away like fucking dust in the wind today. if i lost all my saved emails i'm seriouisly going to beat the shit out of my husband. why, you may ask. well, he is my computer guru, which means he is responsible for any and everything that happens with my computer. damn him to hell. or at least billy gates. and actually i'm the moron who keeps using it when it has crashed and burned more times than space shuttles...awwwww, that was terrible. sorry.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me-eeee-eee-eee, happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!

i am such a child. i love birthdays. i love attention more than the presents even--and i love the presents! Sweet hubby has a surprise evening planned for me. he just called to tell me to dress "hot and sexy" (um...has he seen me lately??? that's not even a possibility, but i'll give it a shot...) and to bring clothes for "something more physical"--to which, of course, i had to start singing Olivia newton john's greatest hit of th 80's....so probably we're going to dinner somewhere nice then to the indoor rock climbing wall...at least i hope so. we haven't had as much time to go rock climbing as we had hoped, so i'm really dying to go. anyway, whatever it is, i'm going to love it. so...i better go hit the showers and try to find something "hot and sexy" to wear........
)
But first---a hearty thank you to the as yet unknown lovely German lady who linked me. When i find you, i shall link you back. i wish i knew german...i know quite a bit of french, but i guess that doesn't count. dangit.

well fuck me! is that all it takes to get over 200 hits in one day--saying "life sucks"? sweeeet. if someone could tell me how to find out where my hits are coming from, that'd be swell--Nedra? I bet you know, you web savy chica.

is there anything better than summer thunderstorms? gaaaawwwd, i love them! watching the lightening, and feeling the rumble of the thunder...the smell of the rain, filled with dust...hey, it's a desert, what can i say? sometimes it rains mud here, because it's so dusty and dry then it rains....wicked cool, baby. i am trying to fucking focus here, and my husband won't stop reaching down my pants. men!

anyway. whew, pass me a smoke. also, we're watching our new Office Space DVD (new because we finally got around to buying it after watching it 8432 times on hbo or whatever) A cult classic, truly.

AND i've been downloading songs from the early 90's to burn for my leetle class reunion. won't that be cute? i got some great song lists for each year from this helpful, handy dandy little site.

well well well. i really don't have anything to say today. Life sucks.

i am rather excited to be officially planning our class reunion because i had sort of written it off. the class president is supposed to be in charge of that sort of thing, but it just wasn't happening and since i appear to be the only who cares enough and has enough time, well here we are. it's going to be very casual but hopefully it'll still be fun. aw, who cares? i have a project, that's all that matters!!!

I told the boys that we're going on a plane up in the sky to visit grandma and grandpa and they are VERY excited. Sadly, almost-3 year olds don't have the same grasp of linear time that adults have, so they keep asking when we're going to see grandma and grandpa...like, every time i say, "come on, get your shoes on and we'll go..." meaning, to the gym or to the store or whatever, they say with a huge grin, "to see grandma and grandpa?" (although to be accurate, it's more like "crampa" than grandpa...) and it's cracking me up. so i keep telling them that we're not going right now, but we'll go after their birthday...to which they inevitably remind me that they do NOT, under any circumstances, wish to partake in the ancient ritual of candle lighting on said birthday cake...they also are convinced that merely singing "happy birthday" causes the presence of candles, so they're having none of THAT, either...they are little goofs. but, going to the ocean and on an airplane sounds mighty fine, so i think we'll have a great ole time. they frickin' loved it last year, which is the ONLY reason i'm braving the plane ride again. it was worth it, you know? and this year they're over the free limit so they'll have their own seats--and car seats to keep them completely bound, cuz you have no idea how impossible these little curious georges of mine would be if they had that lame ass airplane seatbelt as their only means of restraint. whew--that'd be like tying mike tyson's wrists together with dental floss and expecting it to keep him from pounding the shit out of you. two words: not gonna happen. aw, shit. three words! i am seriously less intelligent than i was a few years back...oooh!

update: my friend who was taking a cruise down the licky licky highway has merged back onto the hetero highway. not that it matters. and i'm not entirely sure she'll stay, but hey, whatever. her divorce is nearly final, so that's nice for her. her girly friend woke up and smelled the boyfriend she lives with and remembered that he's the only man alive who wouldn't jump at the chance to have a bi-type girlfriend. what a loser.

i seriously cannot wait until i'm home. i'm going to go to the beach every single fucking day. and go out every night after my kids go to bed--built in babysitter, wooo hooo!!

oh lordy! i love spending large sums of money--even if it is by credit card over the internet!!! (my preferred method is in person, with cash...wait a second, that sounds terribly kinky! ahem.) i just bought my tickets to Maine!!!!!! hale-fucking-lujah! i mean really. talk about leaving things til the last minute. i got a direct flight to boston, though so it's all worth it. it's only a 4 1/2 hour flight, and i'll be strapping my children into their seats and passing out earplugs. it's gonna be interesting. oh well. i was consdering driving all 3,000 miles just to avoid putting out the passengers on an airplane, but everyone i talked to said, are you craZY?? it's ONE DAY--and you'll never see them again, so who cares??? it's true. i will be fine. my boys will probably even behave themselves...okay, well, maybe...but i don't care, cuz then i'll be there. for a whole frigging month! yeeee hawwww!!

and here's some more good news--i finally got in touch with my class president and we're going to work together to plan our 10 year reunion. it's about damn time.

I think i'm officially a computer geek. last night i learned how to play Risk...and not just plain old Risk, but Lord of the Rings Risk. he he. I am surprised at how much fun it was--and how victorious i felt at winning territories from my 7 year old step son...hey--he's played it before! I even stacked the deck so i could get the card with a picture of Legolas on it--i don't even know what the card meant, in relation to the game, but damn! what a pretty boy he is. yum.

I am once again pondering how it is scientifically possible for two siblings, raised by the same parents during the same time frame to be polar opposites. My sister and I could not possibly be more different. we get along fairly well for the most part but it's kind of funny. We are different in nearly every way. Although, we used to go shopping together and be sort of wandering around browsing and i'd hold up a shirt, as i turned to her and say, "oooh! look what i found!" and she'd look up to see what i had then roll her eyes as she held up the shirt SHE was considering and it would be the same exact shirt. We did that ALL the time. And yet...she's an anal neat freak, who is so organized and on time and saves money like there's no tomorrow (or more like there are infinite tomorrows...since maniacal spending is more a trait of someone whose subconcious believes there is no tomorrow...) and who doesn't believe in taking risks or doing even the smallest illegal things--like using such sites as kazaa, morpheus, etc. hello????? doesn't she know some rules are meant to be broken? no tatoos for her. no speeding. no free mp3's. and she's happy--that's what really blows my mind! how can you be happy living by all the frickin' rules? oh well. she's pretty damn cool, considering.

i have begun the frantic search for the cheapest possible tickets to Maine, once again. i guess oil prices and fewer flights in operation are two things which have contributed to the loss of the dirt cheap flights i used to stumble over at every turn. it used to be fairly easy to find a flight for pocket lint, but now there's nothing below $350--even on fucking priceline. that site is such a crock. My absolute favorite is Travelocity. Why? because they offer two different ways to look for flights: specific dates or flexible dates. this is very valuable to me, since i rarely care exactly which date i travel on. And also, they consistenly offer the lowest prices anywhere on the internet. i have never found cheaper tickets anywhere else. so there. they should pay me to be their spokesperson or something. so should the people who make ice cream sandwiches. i love those more than life itself. if i could eat them all day long without stopping, i would. they inspire in me a feeling so close to jubilation that i might just call it that. Also, whoever invented beer bread is a god damn genius: it's bread, and it makes you want to guzzle beer. pure marketing genius.

all of my friends are gambling this weekend. a few of them went north to a rather lame border town, and a few of them went to the mecca of dazzling lights, pawn shops, tittie bars and wedding chapels--that's right: VEGAS, BABY! gaaaaaawd that place blows my mind! i haven't been there in a few years and i need to go again. oddly, i kind of want to see the celine dion show...i don't like her music, never have (ESPECIALLY THAT FILTHY TITANIC SONG) but it looks like a true, old time vegas spectacular. Also, i need a new tatoo and what better place to get one than my ass--i mean, Veg-ass? damn, i'm pretty funny. i would actually be getting the tatoo on either my shoulder blade or as an arm band....and it'll probably involve my kids' names or initials in some fashion...i think that's kind of trashy, but also, i don't care. my love for them is more permanent than anyone's romantic love for anyone else no matter what they say, you know?

kay. time to get some work done. gonna go see Nemo tomorrow. heard it's funny.

here's the coolest dream that i had last night. for once, not totally straightforward. instead, it's full of overly obvious symbolism...

I was in a beautiful, grand building which was the clubhouse of a phenomenal golf course and Cameron had just finished playing in a PGA tournament and had done exceptionally well, for an amateur. There were mostly very rich, upper class types of women sitting around sipping tea and such and we were all sort of talking. There was something that was said during that scene that had a little significance, but I can’t remember right now. So, it was time for me to go and I went to the door, but it opened out to the sky—we were 20 floors up and the stairs had been folded into the building and there was a trick to it, but I didn’t know the trick. I’m very afraid of heights, and I didn’t dare to just give it a try. I hemmed and hawed a little, then a man came up on the magical stairs and as he walked into the building I asked him, rather shyly, if he would show me how the stairs worked. He was very kind and efficient and agreed to take me down himself, since I didn’t trust myself to follow his instructions. Once safely on the ground, I was in the parking lot and looked around for my companions (I don’t remember who they were, but I think it was family and friends) and they were already driving off, Cameron included. So, I decided I would just have to fly, if I was going to catch up to them. And I did! I put my arms above my head and jumped—and I was airborne! It was soo fucking sweet! So I flew around for a while, and ended up landing on a scallop boat, looking for that kid I used to babysit (who is now grown up and doing heroin) and he was sleeping in his bunk and I grabbed him and took him with me—I was flying again, carrying him…even though he was over 6 feet tall…but, whatever. if I can fly I guess I can have super human strength, right? And it felt so good because I knew I was saving him. and then we were swimming and I don’t remember what happened there……but then I was in rockland and that’s all I remember. Dammit. There was actually more to it, more deep stuff, but I can’t pinpoint it. I KNEW I should write it down while it was fresh.

it was so amazing (and astounding!) to fly. i could still feel it after i woke up, you knwo? aaaaaaaaaah. wonderful.

The carnival went surprisingly well. the line to buy tickets was really long and the lines for the most popular kids rides were Disneyland long, but after a torture filled wait in line for the carousel (on which only one of the boys would sit, clinging to me from his horsetop perch while the other wouldn't even get on the horse but clung to me anyway...) we found a quiet little spot if really little kids rides where there was no line for one of them. sooooooooo......in the boys went to their little cars, about which they were a little trepidatious at first, but fell madly in love with almost immediately upon lift off. sweet max. Oh! He was smiling, so adorably, so full of utter joy and marvel. it just got inside me and made me bubble up with laughter as i shared his joy, and every time the ride brought him past me he smiled more and more, but as i laughed more and more, he then began trying not to smile, as a trick, i think, but then he became very serious indeed and wouldn't look up from his lap. it worried me, but he smiled when the ride stopped and asked to go again...and again and again--but each time he looked at his lap for the entire ride! it was really bizarre. of course, being dramatic and having taken two whole psychology classes in college...i was given to wondering if his sweet little self esteem was troubled by my laughing...did he think i was laughing AT him, rather than with him? sigh. since he continued to ask for more and more rides, i can only assume it was nothing serious, but sheesh. it made me feel so sad to think i made him even a little self concious or uncomfortable or something. yes, i feel things, people. i feel things that some people have never even heard of. and oliver was pretty funny, too. he kept asking to get off, during the time between getting buckled into the car and the ride actually starting but as soon as it started, he was okay. thank goodness. i seriously thought there was going to be a scene of some variety tonight...a variety show? huh?

i mentioned a while back that i'm reading A Confederacy of Dunces, and stated at such time that i would give a further review upon my completion. Well, i haven't finished it yet, oddly enough, because i absolutely adore it and i usually cruise through a book in 2 days if i like it. Anyway. read it. that's all there is to say. it will amaze and astound you as a masterpiece of comic writing.

speaking of amazing and astounding...i'm amazed and astounded that life has turned out so differently from how i imagined. where are all the rainbows and unicorns, dammit? ack.

i my goodness! i said the funniest thing last week during an argument with the Mr. it was great! I was saying, "You've been as pissy as a--" and in that brief moment as i realized i didn't have anything planned to follow that, this word slipped out of my mouth:"--urinal!" it was pretty damn funny at the moment. sort of broke the tension, but not enough.......ugh. sorry to keep whining about this.

i made crepes for the first time about an hour ago and they came out fantastical, and it was easier than i thought it would be--either that or i'm just an amazing and astounding chef. (yes, those are the words of the day, use them as much as possible or you won't get your money's worth!!) so, of course i ate too many, but the problem isn't so much the calories (why do you think i go to the gym? so i can eat whatever the fuck i want) as the sugar. my stupid little fast track to type 2 diabetes body can't handle it. whiney little bitch. better go eat some protein to even things out.

speaking of food composition...I tried Michelob Ultra the other day--surprisingly gooooooooooood shit. that's cool. it's low carb. not that i'm really a low carb type, but i try to vaguely be aware of making positive choices concerning my simple carbohydrate consumption. i go for the complex, dontcha know. and i eat protein like there's no tomorrow....which is not as funny as when my friend, B. said, "Guys are dumping me like i'm going out of style!...err...." kay, maybe you had to be there, but deal with it.

time to decide between growing out my hair again, or getting it cut. it grows so damn fast i don't know if i'll be able to stand keeping it short for very long, besides the fact that i love my hair long. BUT i really loved the haircut i got about 6 weeks ago, even if it did grow out in 2 weeks...i kept hoping i could convince it to behave, but i couldn't. so the question is: do i go to the salon every 3 weeks (i figure she can take it just a bit shorter and it'll last a bit longer) as well as spending the extra time "doing" my hair and dealing with product and hair dryers....blah! or do i just let it grow out and continue looking exactly the same as i have for the past 8, 9, 10? years. i don't know why i'm even talking about this, because i know i'm going to get it cut again. i'm sick of it being short but not cute, because at least when i get it cut it will kick ass for a couple of weeks. life is so complicated when you're a bored housewife..................

what the fuck? i just tried to check the archives for something and i can't access any of my old shit. great. whatever the fuck.

i had something to say, but now i can't remember. i am going to take the kids to a little carnival thingy tonight. that should be interesting. my kids are allergic to new stimuli for some reason, so i'm sure they'll hate it. but i don't care. they must go.

and no, i haven't gotten my dad's gift ready to mail yet. there's always tomorrow.....that's my motto, by the way. ayh, there's always tomorrow. fuuuuuuuuck.

so i'm thinking of changing this thing to The Un Housewife...or something. cuz i'm soooooooo not a housewife, even though i am one. errr...i mean, i don't act or feel like one. i feel more like i'm on a really long summer vacation and i'm doing a LOT of low paying babysitting...

god i love the way people don't get naked to have sex on soaps! it's hilarious. but there are some hotter than hot guys so who cares?? sorry, just a little multi tasking here...

oh man. Father's day. i have to get my Dad's gift in the mail!!! i am the world's worst gift sender. i will not fail. i will not fail.

so i have a new car. i'm such a brat--i don't like it. but doesn't everyone know that Fords suck??????? oh well. it's a 2000 with 37,000 miles and it's in great shape, etc, etc, etc, but it's still a FORD. oh well. i actually am starting to like it, but i wish i could feel proud or excited when i tell people about my new car. somehow saying "I got a Taurus!" just doesn't fill me with glee. wonder why? =)

Had a GREAT workout today. sometimes i sort of drag through it, i'll admit, but today just kicked ass. I ran hard and fast...well, i jogged but i picked up my pace a bit and i just felt so powerful and victorious. 45 minutes is a long time to run. and i did lots of lunges and hamstring curls and that was so much fun.

i can't believe it's june 10th already. my high school graduation was ten years ago today, a friend reminded me. AND I'll be 28 in 9 days. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. that's just yucky to think about. i'm fucking old. I'm too old to be this unsettled with my life, aren't I? shouldn't i know exactly where i'm going and what i'm doing by now? my husband thinks i never figured out "who i am". well, i think i did, but being stuck in utah so long as repressed and distorted who i really am and it's getting a bit difficult to remember. he thinks i should go "find myself". whatever.

Happy Monday to you all. Getting a little rain here in the desert, so that's nice. There are many things which make me happy, and many things which make me sad. And my house is possessed--holy shit! my dining room light just turned on! and a few minutes ago when i parked in the garage and closed the door, it opened again about 30 seconds after i pushed the button. Hmmmm....

oh yeah. happiness and sadness. well, i don't know where i was going with that, so i guess i'll drop it. There is nothing better than reading through old journals--it's like a time machine. Why am i so obsessed with my past????

i feel like crap today. no idea why. i had a HALF a beer last night around 9, then i was up until about 2, but i got 6 hours of sleep, so i should be fine.....i had a good time though.

I am so sick of my life today. Big time fighting with husband--as usual, he got into a deep issue as i was walking out the door to go out with my friends last night. WHY??? I am so sick of this fight. i vote it's time for a new one. my head hurts. maybe that's why i feel all hung over and shitty.

Watching a little I love 1984 on VH1 Classic. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...........gooood shit.

want to take a nap. must go to second family birthday party of the day. this time, without the help of my hubby. he's golfing. yawn. i really did just yawn, that's why i wrote that--it wasn't like a symbolic, meaningful thing.

i need to be in Maine. I need to be not in Utah. why don't certain husband types understand that? and no, in case enquiring minds want to know, that's not "the fight". Although that is certainly one that used to get a lot of air time. i met a woman from NJ yesterday who just moved here and we had the best talk about how bizarre this place is. it was comforting to be reminded that i'm not weird for thinking this place is a vacuous black hole sucking the life out of me drop by drop, day by day....

eeeeeeeeeeee! i just remembered my dearest friend A. got into town last night and is here for 2 months!!! life is not all bad, apparently. oh! i feel so much better now. she's so great. she reminds me that you can be a good person, a christian, and lots of fun--without being a gay-ass mormon. and her little brothers are hilarious so that's always fun. they're all total mama's boys and will probably never leave home--one of them got married but he lives two block from his mom. it's because she spoils them--but in a good way, mostly. she just takes REALLY good care of them--cooking, cleaning, etc. hell, i'd move in if i could!!! i freaking LOVE being taken care of like that...that's how my mom was...no wonder i am such a brat.

erg. time to go to the party. i'm supposed to take dinner rolls, but i forgot and i didn't get birthday presents for the two nephews whose birthdays are being celebrated. dammit. i'm supposed to be there in a half hour. gaaaaaaawwwddd why am i so stupid???? oh well.

p.s. weather's still dazzlingly gorgeous.

lots to do today, but still, i have my priorities. I had the coolest dream last night! Okay, so it wasn't cool, but it's hilarious that i had it. i was in a car, and i pulled into my best friend's driveway (her parents' back home) and there was a drawer, like at the drive up window of the bank (the one right at the window, not the other ones with the little vacum shoot thingies) and i had this little package, wrapped in butcher paper that was for another friend of mine who worked at the restaurant which that was supposed to be (rather than my friend's house) and i knew it was coke, but i put it in the drawer and right as i let go of it, a bunch of cops showed up and i pretended that i didn't know what was in it...and all because i watched law and order right before bed and they said something about "if someone paid you a hundred bucks to drive their car across the border from mexico and told you not to look in the trunk should you be held responsible for the drugs that are found there?" aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, the human subconcious, innit it cute? my dreams are SOOO easy to trace. none of this hidden meaning crap for me. oh no. My favorite example of this is my my friend Jeannie with whom i lost touch for a few years, so every time i heard a Metallica song (cuz she loved them) i would have a dream that night about finding her. At first, it would be like, "oh there you are!" yadda yadda yadda, but after a few dreams like that, i started actually telling her about the metallica/dream thing--in the dream! it was funny. I'd be like, "man i've been looking for you! and every time i hear metallica i have a dream that i found you!" Hilarious.

time to get to work.

So what is this, do a zillion posts day??? i even edited the first one of the day--it used to be twice as long. i got off on a bit of a rant about the girl from home that i was mad at, and i described a problem i've been mulling over but i decided it's not ready for public airing. besides, i may have figured out a way to solve it without involving any outside help. so there. how's that for annoying vague hints??

got an email from the cutest boy today. my favorite little one, really. i am not entirely sure why his mere name makes me smile, and reading his most mundane words make me want to crawl inside him somehow...i never even knew him that well, we were love-ers for a brief spell some years ago, but i never really KNEW him, you know? i just loved touching him and looking at him...like a toy. oh that reminds me! i thought of the funniest little pick up line, "You're a doll...wanna go home and play house?" okay, so it's pretty bad, but still. it was more like worship for me, anyway. he's like this amazingly beautiful, talented, tender, passionate, strong demi god from Greek mythology...endowed with some amazing powers (such as mesmerizing a woman with a single glance) but so fragile, with his human weakness underneath it all... he's someone i could never have had a real relationship with because we were created in different worlds, living in different worlds, looking toward futures which were so far apart they could have been the two poles of our planet...but damn. somehow, he affected me rather deeply. could you tell????

this weather could not be any more perfect. better not jinx myself. later--

and i did do something else stupid. i signed out before actually posting that message--but fortunately for me i had saved it as a word document already to idiot proof it...dumb dumb girl. i really need to dye my hair blond so i am not accused of false advertising. har.

I saw the cooooooolest license plate today. utah plates reading DIRIGO. my heart fluttered and i craned my neck to see who the driver was. Dirigo happens to be the state motto of Maine. It's also a latin word meaning "I can", er, or "I will"??? okay, bite me, it's been a few years since 7th grade maine state history class, okay?

awwwww fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck! i just dragged my god damn mouse across the entire page and deleted everything i just wrote. now my mouse is plugged in so the stupid annoying built in one won't do that again, but i'm sure somehting else lame will happen. i'm going to take a few deep breaths and try not to let my annoyance overflow into the rest of the post. it stops here, dammit. there. much better. deep breathing is fun...especially when it's near my open window while the neighbor kids are "smoking"....

so, as i was driving today, i realized that living in Utah neither requires nor inspires creativity and i had to share that with someone. cuz.....i felt pretty creative for coming up with it. =) it's not so much utah itself, as living in a land of strip malls and freeways. i mean, sheeeeesh. living in the back woods of maine you had to be creative just to survive. figuring out ways to entertain oneself, obviously, but also, just the way the roads are, you were allowed more creativity, more freedom...i think in a real city it would be the same, but for different reasons. like, you would have to use the creative part of your brain just to figure out the safest way home--learning which neighborhoods to avoid after dark, and just being exposed to so many different cultures all the time would have to do a little something to your gray matter. everything is just so orderly and uniform and BORING here. i know i use that word alot, but it's sort of the theme of this blog, innit?

i'm beginning to get damn annoyed with this whole car situation. i've been home for 9 days and still no car. it's not soooo bad, i just take my hubby to work and then i'm not stuck at home all day, but still. his car is kind of a pigsty. it's a beautiful car--isuzu trooper, with all the trimmings--leather, heated seats (great just what i need) even down to the adorable little headlight wipers--awwwwwww! but he is a slob. anyway, the point is, this guy who's supposed to be helping us get a "great deal" on a car is not having the best of luck. He actually found what i wanted yesterday, but the guy is holding out to see if he gets a better offer and it's driving me crazy. cuz, if we don't end up getting the damn thing, then it's back to square one, and we'll probably end up getting a car a don't really like. This one is a Jeep Cherokee--one of my two dream cars from back when i cared about such things. i know, it's a rather humble dream car, and i certainly have loftier ones, but this is more like the attainable dream car, you know? i mean, i'll get a Jaguar when i publish a book or two, and i'll get a land rover someday, and i'll get an MG, but for now, for practical reasons, this is the one. Besides, like i said, it'll probably fall through. i friggin hate waiting. oh well.

there were a few people i really wanted to see while i was home and ended up missing and it's really bothering me. i feel like the task is incomplete, the job not finished...like when you have sex and no orgasm, you know? lucky for me, that almost never happens, but still--it's the worst. so i need to get off my ass and plan my next trip home. it should be sometime in july or august, but i don't know yet, so that instills an even further feeling of unrest, malaise...i shouldn't complain--i did spend time with many important people. i even have one friend who i didn't even alert to my presence. for two reasons: one, she lives in lewiston, which is like, two hours away and she doesn't drive and i wasn't sure i'd have time to go there but she'd feel bad if i didn't...and two, last time i saw her she hurt my feelings. i'm not usually one to hold grudges, but for some reason, it was like the last straw or something. and when i told all my friends about it (cuz my feelings were hurt!) they all said the same thing, "T's always been a bitch." and i was like, oh, yeah, i guess so...but i loved her anyway! i can tolerate a lot of those personality traits that other people can't...i figure, most people are more good than bad, so it's worth it. i can't handle stupidity or the blatant ignorance of prejudice and hate but that's about it. i usually end up liking everybody i meet. i used to be a lot more of a people pleaser but now i'm more of a Lisa pleaser. no, not other Lisas, smart ass, just this one.

well on that note, kids are sleeping. I think i'll go lay on the couch and think about hot men....er, i mean watch TV.

neighbor kids are outside smoking. not weed (this time) but still. he's like, 12 or 13. maybe he's older and just really short, cuz there sure are some hot chicks hanging around...ugh. I was just soooo not a juvenile delinquent that i have a hard time relating. I was a fully participating delinquent of legal age, i was just a late bloomer i guess. anyway those are some wild ones next door.

i need to get some serious work done on my book. BUT there are always a zillion other things to do...today, during the 5 hours my kids were at a babysitter i got 2 hours of work done, a quick trip to wally world, and some laundry. grrrr.r that is not the way it's supposed to go. fortunately they came home exhausted so they're now enjoying a late nap...well, i'm sure as hell enjoying their late nap. If you think having twins sounds fun--get your head checked. I'm not kidding. you probably have severe dementia. or at least if you don't, you will if you actually end up with twins. god they're cute though.

i got the COOLEST chain letter ever!! It's a panty exchange. No, grubby boy readers it's not used panties. (Although that would probably be a fun boy chain letter, eh?) You send one pair with tags on to the person on the top of the list then you end up getting 36 pairs, if everyone does it. I'm so excited!

Oy. there goes the Harley. damn. It's a good thing next door neighbor Harley dude isn't living by himself...i can't obsess over a guy with a girlfriend/wife, so he's safe, but DAMN. hot? yes, but it's the bike as much as the man. don't get me wrong--dorky guys or balding guys on bikes aren't going to grab my eye, but the bike makes a cute guy feverishly hot...er, or makes me feverishly hot...jeeeeez....i need to get out more, or stay in more, or something. what did i tell you about the dementia???

Tangerine, tangerine,
living reflections from a dream
i was her love oh she was my queen
and now a thousand years between....
thinking how it used to be,
does she still remember times like these
to think of us again
and i do
--Tangerine, the Mighty Zep
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWD I love that song. Not sure what the whole "tangerine" thing is about, but the rest of the lyrics are as yummy as one, so hey, why not? today is a glorious not too hot day. aw, who am i kidding? i wouldn't know. i haven't been outside since the a.m.

many have i loved
and many times been bitten
many times i've gazed along the open road
many times i've lied
and many times i've listened
many times i've wondered how much there is to know-ow
many dreams come true
and some have silver linings
i live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold

---Over the HIlls and Far Away, also the led wonders

Why, oh why was i born in 1975? I must have died then...I am a believer in reincarnation only because i KNOW, down to my bones, that the spirit of some beautiful CRAZY hippie girl who died of an overdose slipped into my little newborn body on that misty June morning. I know it. as surely as the sky is blue, that is who i was before this. it's no wonder i'm always wondering where i belong. I was hoping to discover that Janis Joplin died on my birthday, but alas, no such luck. i was probably a groupie though. like the Banger Sisters. he he. i LOVED that they took polaroids of all the shlongs of the rockers they bedded...that's soooooo something i would do!!!

I don't really have anything to say, but i'm feeling guilty for having so few posts recently. I am sort of a grouchy PMS'd girl today, so the only things i feel like talking about are desert and how annoying everything is. And I mean everything. Dammit I spelled dessert wrong--and if that isn't annoying i don't know what is. I'm rather relieved that it's PMS, because i was starting to wonder why i was so crabby. i hate being this ornery, but when i realize it's a short lived, hormone induced problem, i start to enjoy it. Of course, i still don't have a car, so that's enough to make me crotchety on the best of days. It's not like i have a lot of important things i need to be doing, but still. Gonna go check out some more options tomorrow night. i just hope we can agree on something. It's MY car, i should get to chose, but it's HIS money so he thinks he should get to choose. so much for, "Think of it as our money, sweetheart..." oh well. I'm a kept woman...sigh...

Did i ever tell you about my corny tatoo ideas? Well, i have a seahorse--sort of between my belly button and hip, just below the waistline. Soooooo, I think it would be hilarious if i got some little hermit crabs and a starfish added to it and then i could go up to people and say, "I got crabs! Wanna see?" and pull my waistband down a little. ha! wouldn't that gross people out? i love it. Also, I thought it would be great fun to get a tattoo of a six pack of beer on my stomach so I could hustle people by getting them to bet that I didn’t have a six pack AND a beer belly. Jeeeeeeeeeez. I know, i know. i'm the queen of corn. I don't care though. i love it!

OH yeah! i almost forgot. Today is the first day of the month and my 10th grade french teacher (who was my favorite for many reasons, among which was her comment that i looked like a midieval princess) told us that when she taught at a private school the girls had a tradition of saying "Bunny bunny rabbitt rabbit" for good luck. It has to be the first words out of your mouth on the frist day of the month, and I've been doing it ever since. Am I obsessive compulsive? Perhaps. Am I superstitious? Oh yeah. Am I a sentimental fool? Definitely. So there you have it. I love french. I am too shy to speak it much, though. I was offered a nanny job in Switzerland when i was a senior in high school, where i would have been well paid to take care of one child and taken to greece on vacation and become fluent in french...but alas, i did not think it was the right decision. A couple of years later, when i had taken a leave of absence from college for personal reasons...(read: dropped out because i was aimless and out of money) it would have been the perfect thing for me, but oh well. That's life. My life at least. Bad timing.