Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Night favorite!

I can't sleep.
yes, partly because it's so early--
and partly because I'm hopped up on donuts and shopping-endorphins.
I FINALLY bought new bras.
and y'all were right--
Ds they are.
and what a difference the right bra makes!!

So I was off line for most of the day--
construction dudes unplugged one of the modems or routers or whatever,
so I was fucked.
oh well...

I just have this strong desire to clear my head...
maybe I should dump a bottle of windex in my ear and head bang for an hour or so.
yeah, probably not.
but a swim in the moonlight sounds wonderful.
is there moonlight?
I dunno.
if not, even better.
there were cloud-covered lightening flashes over the west desert, as I drove home tongiht.
I hate that I love this place...

I called my sister tonight for a recipe, and I think I interupted a fight...
she's so private.
she would never admit that her life's not perfect--
so much of it is.
but mostly I realized that I want to hold on to the closeness we re-established last week, during my visit.

I feel...
No, really.
sometimes I feel like my life is just a story I'm reading...
losing track of where the memories stop and the pages take over.
I wish.
I wish that the power of a muse would last longer than the ticking of a clock,
or the splashing of a raindrop.
I wish that my darling muse would stand before me with a leaking umbrella in the pouring rain, and laugh at my shocked expression.
he is everywhere, and yet nowhere.
why do I constantly pull my hair up into temporary ponytails during the pauses in my writing?
it feels so good, but then, making it permanent annoys me.
I am probably crazier than I think...
and I am definitely more scattered than usual tonight--
clearing my head, I guess.
that's what I love about writing at night.
a quiet house spreading out around me.
no distractions.

one of my husband's brothers might be coming to stay with us for a while...
I really like him--SOMETIMES.
but he's very...particular?
uptight, arrogant.
it was my idea--the offer.
he's in a bad situation, and that's what family's for.
I just...
(to the 53rd power)
like my privacy.
I like walking around my house naked.
I like showering with the bedroom door wide open
(and there's no door between bed and bath).
I like wandering around the house in not-fit-for-public pjs
(due to both ugliness and sexiness factors).
I like...not having to talk to anyone.
and did I mention I like my privacy?
but we'll see.
if it happens, hopefully he will
A. not stay for long, and
B. not be around much.
I'm so loving and generous, aren't I????
I used to be.
before I had one helpless man and two helpless babies to take care of, ad nauseum.
now they get all my mommy-ing.

thank you for the reminder, Orange!!!!
and I really feel weird about wearing a D.
which is also nearly too small.
fuck THAT.

I don't think I have anything else to say.
which generally means it might be a good idea to stop typing.
or something.
make me go to sleep.
husband's passed out cold, but I have rather more of an urge to self-service tonight, anyway...

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