I can't sleep.
yes, partly because it's so early--
and partly because I'm hopped up on donuts and shopping-endorphins.
I FINALLY bought new bras.
and y'all were right--
Ds they are.
and what a difference the right bra makes!!
yay.
So I was off line for most of the day--
construction dudes unplugged one of the modems or routers or whatever,
so I was fucked.
oh well...
I just have this strong desire to clear my head...
maybe I should dump a bottle of windex in my ear and head bang for an hour or so.
no?
yeah, probably not.
but a swim in the moonlight sounds wonderful.
is there moonlight?
I dunno.
if not, even better.
there were cloud-covered lightening flashes over the west desert, as I drove home tongiht.
I hate that I love this place...
I called my sister tonight for a recipe, and I think I interupted a fight...
she's so private.
she would never admit that her life's not perfect--
so much of it is.
but mostly I realized that I want to hold on to the closeness we re-established last week, during my visit.
I feel...
fictional.
No, really.
sometimes I feel like my life is just a story I'm reading...
losing track of where the memories stop and the pages take over.
I wish.
I wish that the power of a muse would last longer than the ticking of a clock,
or the splashing of a raindrop.
I wish that my darling muse would stand before me with a leaking umbrella in the pouring rain, and laugh at my shocked expression.
he is everywhere, and yet nowhere.
why do I constantly pull my hair up into temporary ponytails during the pauses in my writing?
it feels so good, but then, making it permanent annoys me.
I am probably crazier than I think...
and I am definitely more scattered than usual tonight--
clearing my head, I guess.
that's what I love about writing at night.
a quiet house spreading out around me.
no distractions.
one of my husband's brothers might be coming to stay with us for a while...
I really like him--SOMETIMES.
but he's very...particular?
uptight, arrogant.
but.
it was my idea--the offer.
he's in a bad situation, and that's what family's for.
I just...
really
really
really
(to the 53rd power)
like my privacy.
I like walking around my house naked.
I like showering with the bedroom door wide open
(and there's no door between bed and bath).
I like wandering around the house in not-fit-for-public pjs
(due to both ugliness and sexiness factors).
I like...not having to talk to anyone.
and did I mention I like my privacy?
yeah.
but we'll see.
if it happens, hopefully he will
A. not stay for long, and
B. not be around much.
I'm so loving and generous, aren't I????
eh.
I used to be.
before I had one helpless man and two helpless babies to take care of, ad nauseum.
now they get all my mommy-ing.
new.
bras.
thank you for the reminder, Orange!!!!
and I really feel weird about wearing a D.
which is also nearly too small.
fuck THAT.
I don't think I have anything else to say.
which generally means it might be a good idea to stop typing.
yeah.
or something.
make me go to sleep.
husband's passed out cold, but I have rather more of an urge to self-service tonight, anyway...
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