Thursday, June 30, 2005
Ok, but don't say I never offered to let you EAT ME.
...yeah, that's right.
3 hours at the pool with no sunscreen.
oh, that's not true, I sprayed my shoulders.
my legs are the worst...
burning at every touch, every whisper of fabric over flesh.
but at least I made my husband laugh out loud this morning when I got undressed.
every girl's dream!
I'm kinda striped....
too much time facing the wrong direction, I guess.
I'm dreading the shower...
see, unlike real lobsters, this lobster-colored girl really will scream when brought into contact with hot water.
I'll make it fast, and keep the water as cool as possible, I guess...
yes, I'm being dramatic about all this.
I've had hundreds of sunburns before,
and this one's no worse.
but, hey, I have nothing else to talk about.
I'm so glad to be feeling like myself again...
I should describe that strangeness before I forget about it.
a detachment from life, a marked lack of feeling--of any kind.
it was like losing my imagination and my desire for one, all at the same time.
there were a few really dark days--
which had no more outside cause than any of the overall gloom.
I felt like I was dying--or like I should die,
but when asked "why?", there was no answer.
I felt like that damn little black circle on the prozac commercials.
"have you lost interest in the things you used to love?" etc
it was...super lame.
the only tangible reasons I could come up with was unmanaged stress, and a (un)healthy dose of self-loathing.
so I finally just said, "fuck this."
I was, miraculously, able to give myself the proper pep talk, and it clicked.
"you're happy, dumbass, quit moping!"
...something along those lines.
It was awesome.
I am lucky.
and now I am free to move onward and upward.
stress made me eat, eating made me fat, being fat made me stressed...
and now the pressure's off.
I remembered: I am happy and beautiful just the way I am. If I want to be in competition with every other woman for the rest of my life, then, yeah, I might as well end it NOW.
I am me.
I am NOT my body.
I am my soul, my dreams, my laughter.
...and my hair.
but comparing my waist line or the length of my legs, for god's sake, to everyone I see???
that could go.
I'm ashamed to admit I got caught up in that.
I didn't even realize I was doing it at first...
I guess it was my reaction to a loss of self-confidence--
my scrambling for a foothold.
but it's over...I'm chill.
also, I may or may not (may! may!) have had an unhealthy relationship with my computer.
not unhealthy, like it was abusive to me, or unhealthy like it used me.
more like...I was addicted and it was my enabler.
but my lack of interest in life helped me to back off from this crazy little world a little, and I was able to shift perspective.
my computer and I have worked things out.
we're going to just be friends.
and that, Martha, is a Good Thing.
is it a coincidence that I was listening to The New Kids On the Block while my bestest friend, and co-NKOTB lover was giving birth to her first baby?
but it still cracked me up.
I could not be more thrilled for her--
She's going to be the best mom in the whole world.
and I am suddenly wishing I was going to Maine.
but, at least I can go buy some beautiful fabric and make a blanket...
the first of my close friends to have a girl baby!
they did it the old-fashioned way, and waited until the birth to find out whether it was a boy or girl, so I had a really good excuse for procrastinating!
ok, I'm off.
wish me luck battling the fire-breathing shower monster!