Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I wasn't kidding when I said Utah is HELL

cuz today I met the Devil himself,
and he had a boyish face and a spike-tailed whip.
a rather soothing bedside manner, when it comes to a puking girl in a basketball court, though...
ok, maybe I should back up.
so my trainer is quitting or something, and turned all of his clients over to this other guy.
looks harmless enough.
so he asks, "what do you want to do today?"
I shrug, "Legs"
holy mother of god--
if I had only known what was in store for me...!!
let's just say you guys can once again be assured that I love you
(and not just as friends...)
because I crawled down a flight of stairs just to post this harrowing tale.
ok, partly becaue I dialed audioblogger and got no response,
and partly because I have a date with destiny,
or my instant messenger--one of the two.
this boy worked me over like a veteran whore--
(does that mean she only takes veterans as johns, or that she's been doing it...uh...huhuh, doing it for a really long time??)
he worked me like a 6 year old sewing wal-mart fashions in a sweat shop.
my head grew heavy and my sight grew dim,
but he didn't let me stop for the night
(apparently we were not at the Hotel California, as I had assumed...)
he pushed and pushed.
my legs felt like jello,
but still I worked.
the last exercise was to stand next to the wall, and squat so that my thighs were parralel with the floor, and my back was braced against the wall.
and just....
sit there.
for nearly 2 minutes, which TRUST ME, MOTHERFUCKERS, is a long damn time to sit in an air chair.
(sounds way cuter than it is, take my word there, as well)
so just before the 2 minutes were up, my legs decided it was time to find a REAL god damn chair--and slid slowly out from under me.
I giggled, and he said "great job! the legs tell you when you're done, really."
thanks, fucker.
if I had known THAT, I would have faked it a little sooner.
so then he said "one more set and we're done for the day."
ex-fuckin-cuse me????
so, I stood, and the room did something a little unexpected,
there were little black clouds flickering all around...
I said, "I feel like I'm going to puke."
Satan said, "yeah, a lot of people say that when we do legs. I usually do, too...."
and blah blah blah, on and on.
I don't think he stopped talking until the room stopped spinning--
which brings up a good point: maybe his voice was making the room spin....hmmm...
so I sat down on a little bench
which I chose for its proximity to the waste basket...
I closed my eyes and listened to the voice of God's balancer in the universe,
and then.
I puked.
the smallest little hurling I have ever done.
but I felt waaaaaaaaaaay better.
that is, until I got on the stationary bike.
that lasted precisely 3 minutes and 42 seconds.
driving home was interesting,
as keeping pressure on the brake pedal for an entire red light was nearly impossible...
and so now, here I am.
after taking the first step and my legs collapsing under me,
I scooted down here on my butt.
I may have to crawl back up,
but it's worth it.
I'm going to be hot.
....yes, like as in hell.
happy hump day, leg humpers.

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